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This ís just a sample of the Continental goodies in store for you in

This Г­s just
a sample of
goodies in
store for
you in this
issue of
Bare Facts.
Ftiday 5th May
has been sentenced indefinately, his case
will be reviewed from time to time.
Student Jailed For
Mayhem In City
Possibly the most dìstuibing incident of
the week occurred when Matthew
Williams, a student at Leeds University
was detained for Ufe after admitting to a
soies of o f f i c e s involving fìre, poison,
bombs and crossbows. In a serГ­es of 11
diarìes, Williams chronocled his activities ovCT a period of three years. He
wiote, "I hate people. The majority of
peqple I come into В«Hitact with are filtГ­iy,
ignorant, aggressive scum, who should
not exist I intend to destroy them ali by
whatevCT means I can. I will not tolerate
ignorance and stupidity." Among William's many offences was the planting of
a nail bomb in a Liverpool Street; cmising
180,000 of damage to the mausoleum
c l u ^ l at Leeds University, and an attempt on his family*s life by by injecting
a tin of tomatoes with the lethal substance, sodium chlorate. Williams aiso
fired a crossbow through a neighbour's
window because of continuousplaying of
country and westem music into the early
hours; stole enough cyanide to kill 300
people, and placed bombs into locai tele>
phone kiosks. Nobody was injured during
his three year campaign, and his solicitor.
MI Michael Maguire said that Williams
was "grateful that no one was physically
Williams wrote in one diary, thatSOgms
of pure sodium cyanide he had stolen
from the Univo^ty was "an e x t r ^ e l y
useful substance, and with reference to a
napalm bomb that he set off in Biricenhead, he wrote, "We chucked in a petrol
bomb for good luck. It went on buming
for ages. We laughed and laughed."
One PsychiatrГ­st described Williams as a
"fascinating individuai", and although he
China Crisis.
vents in China over the last few weeks
reached a head last week when the
Chinese lead^, Mr Deng Xiaping auth(Hìsed the use of violence in onW to quell
stud^t dГ©monstrations in Beijing, bi an
emergency meeting of the politburo, Mr
Deng complained that the govOTunent
had allowed the situation to get out of
hand, and that if necessary, "blood could
be shed."
Democratic reforms in Hungary and Poland had motivated the Chinese students
to demГіnstrate in ordo to demand similar "politicai libГ©ralisation", said Mr
Deng, and in a meeting of party officiais,
proceeded to blame the prГ©sent situation
on the former, reform minded party
leado, Mr Hu Yaobang.
On Friday last, the Editor of the World
Economie Herald, Mr Qin Benli was
sacked afto publishing a six page commemorative special on the late Mr
Yaobang. In response, one hundred journalists at the paper signed a pГ©tition that
dissasociated them from any Г©ditorials,
written by the State, while the paper was
temporarìly closed fbr "ratification."
Chinese intellectuals threatened to speak
out against the govemment if the illegai
march organised for last Wednesday
wsn*t allowed to go ahead. In Shanghai
on Tuesday, 70000 students marched to
the People's Square, and many delivoed
an ultimatum to the Nati(Htal Pec^le's
Congress, listing 12 conditions for a dialogue.
Students continually boycotted classes
last w e ^ and many were prepared to face
confrontation with the police over the issues of democracy within their country.
On the Home
^ I t h o u g h not actually confirmed by the
DES, it is understood that student fees
will increase next year. The present rate
is 578 per year, and this will rise to at least
1200pa. Again, although not confirmed,
the suggestion is that this increase will be
paid for by the LEA*s, and reccurent
grant will be reduced accordingly.
The main problems with this are: 1 Will
student tuitìon fees be paid fully by the
LEA, or will this introduction of market
forces herald the beginning of a system
whereby students pay the diffГ©rence between Гјie minimum fee and that actually
2 If tuition fees are not set at a minimum,
an even greater Г±muicialburd^ on students will occur, thus dissuading many
people from entering our already beleaguered educatim system
LSE vote in
P i n a l l y this week, LSE failed to achieve
a two-thirds majority necessary to
remove WinstiMi Silcott, the man convicted of murdering PC Blakelock during
the Tottenham riots, from his position as
honourary PrГ©sident.
Kenneth Baker described the situation as
"the loony left trying to hijack a great institution." Since the dГ©cision, investment
from industry and former students to the
tune of ВЈ400000 has been withdrawn, and
the whole unfortunate episode has helped
the Conservative membere of the College
in their attempts to make membership of
the NUS voluntary.
2 Friday May sth 1989
Sallie's Section
Bare Facts
^ ^ e l c o m e to what could be the praultimate Г©dition of Bare Facts. Yes in*
deed you will no long^ be able to find eut
what's going on in and around the campus, know w h ^ and wh^e anything is
happening or indeed air your grievances
through the pages of this rag.
j ^ a r e Facts has been the centre of much
critisism and discussion this year but
still they are d e s p o t e
help, one questi(m still at the height of these discussions
what exactly should BP be used for.
^ c t example are ]^rs(Mials wwth the
paper they are written on, should club
and societies be allowed to write articles
directed at their m e m b ^ only? If you
wish to see BF continue oc have any comments at ail about content, direction,
policies etc t h ^ a x n e to the big show
down Tuesday 9th May Ipm Inner Gal-
Вї f no more than a handful tum up I am
sorry but I will let the magazine fold not only am I not |В»epared to take the task
on but I think it is extremely bad policy
fcM^ sabbaticals to have any control ovct a
publication which should be constructively critisizing their work. You have
been warned.
Mandela Room Booking
^ t
Wednesdays Club Committee
(hopefully) new booking regulaticxis
for the Nelson Mandela Room were
passed. These regulations will give the
club the ability to fme those who abuse
the room by stubbing out cigarettes on the
flow, leave rubbish around the room etc.
If you are going to name a room after Nelson Mandela then it should be treated
with respect so check with the food and
b e v ^ g e office over what theregulaticxis
are and stick to them.
Fascism At
^J^ever before have I been so enraged as
when I discovered certain grafГЇГ®tti in
our Union. Scralled on the Nelson Mandela Sign is NF Room - 1 fmd this absolutely horrifying and am totally disgusted
that anyone here could even consider
writing this. The National Front are a
bunch of thugs who beleive in white supremecy and to put their name next to that
of a man fighting for the rights of black
South Africans shows utter contempt for
vast numbers of students at tiiis University. There is no way this Unicm will
allow any such acts of fascism and those
involved will soon find they no Icxiger
have the right to use our facilities.
Grants Not Loans
^ f ^ e l l , details of the rqiresmtative lobbies have changed somewhat since
last week. There will now be one lobby
on the 25th May for Black, Disabled. Mature and W(Hnen studВ»its. Let me know
if you wish to take pan in this event so
th^ we can arrange transpcHt and appointmrats with your MPs. Itis intended
that these lobbies bring home to many
MPs the particular e^ects any Loans
schemes will have on these groups make
sure you're represented.
So tiiat's ali f(X-this week and couki be ali
for evo* fairly soon! Remember it's up to
you - Rome wasn't built in a day and BF
isn't put together by two blokes working
ali day and night! ^ you on Tuesday
Salile Robins
Sue's Space
Velcome back afto* your hols", or
"hope the revision/exams are going
well" - which evCT is more relevant at the
Things that have been happening here
whilst youVe been away:
University Court
All the rooms are now Hnished!! The
Health Centre which is at the far w d of
the University Court site is due to be finished by the summer, also another car
paik is to be built CHI the land cleared
below the Chancellors Bar.
Do you r e m ^ b e r back in w e ^ 3 of last
tenn when we had Alcc^ol Awareness
Week and some of the Sabbaticals and
Union Officials w ^ qxmsored to Stay
Dry? Well this was the result: the total
raised was ВЈ320. Well done you healthy
M(Miey will go to the following charities:
St Josephs Centre - a rehabilitation centre
for alcoholics based at the Holy Cross
Hospital, Haslemere - ВЈ43
Guildford Counselling Cratre - for alcoholics and other drug u s ^ - ВЈ74
ACCEPT - a national charity for problem
drinkers and tranquiliser users - ВЈ94
Alcohol Conern • a national alcohol educati(xi charity • £83
Jason Cox donated half of his sponsor
money to Cancer Research as he gave up
smoking for a week too!!
During last terms Green Awareness
Week money was also raised from the
Jumble Sale (ВЈ100) and the Raffle (ВЈ40).
This money has been deviated to:
World WUdlife Fund ВЈ38
Friends of the Earth ВЈ38
Greenpeace ВЈ38
The Woodland Trust ВЈ25
(the Students Union planted an area of
trees at Chiphouse Wood, Chipstead,
Thanks to all those who helped out!
The Glastonbury Cnd
Is on again this year - 16 - 18 June at
Worthy Farm, Pilton, Somerset
Advance Tictets cost ВЈ28 and are available from O ^ (Festival) 22 - 24 Underwood Street. LONDON, N1 7 J G .
Cheques and postal orders should be
made payable to Glastonbury Festivals
Limited Please raclose a stamped addressed envelope with your ordo*.
Calling All Arab Students
I have information from an organisation
called "Arab Student Aid Intrniational"
they offer scholarships and advice on reg-
istration fees etc to Arab University Students. Anyone interested see me!
Are You The Son Or
Daughter Of A Sales Rep?
I also have information from the Royal
Dinno- School Foundation - a trust set up
for the purpose of assisting by means of
grants and awards in the education of
sons and daughtCTS, below the age of 2S,
of sales reps w h ^ the family has suffered adverstiy. I have more info if
anyone's interested.
Nursery Provision
We have set up a woridng party to investigate the possibilities of extending the
nursery facilities at this Urtiversity. At
the moment the nursery is only open in
the minings and only caters for 3 - 4 year
olds. We would like to see an all day
nursery for children from 6 months - S
years. Anycxie who is interested or has
information that maybe useful to the
group please contact me.
Campus Lighting
Please keq) an eye out fw areas of campus that are badly lit CM* lights that are not
woiking and report t h ^ to me ASAP thanks.
C h e ^ m'dears
Friday May 5th 1989 3
Any more and I'll Sue
The New Emergency Telephone System
EMERGENCY telq)hone COVCT for the residences was previously
provided by priva^ ckcuits with special telq)hones situated
at specific points.
This system has now been changed and an0800Emo-gency Link
Line number can be used from any payphone. This number
should be displayed on all telephones on campus.
NUMBER IS INTACT - if not let me know as soon as poss!
The new system has many advantages in that:
i) there*s more call points
ii) University Court and Hazel Farm are covered
iii) Stag Hill Court residents do not have to venture outside (the
old onerg^cy phones were situated outside the house).
New i^ones have also been installed in Guildford Court so that
thwe is now one phone per floOT (ie 2 per house).
There is a slight problem with Surrey Court and Battersea Court
with only 1 phone per 2 floors. It is being proposed that the
phones be moved out of the kitchens into the corridors so that
e v ^ o n e has easy access tt) them (the phone will still ring in the
kitchen). This could make your phone calls more private!
HowevCT another altmative might be to provide each student
with a key to the nearest flocnr with a phone, but this could then
create security problems.
Any comments, complaints, suggestions that anyone may have
on the new system please let me know.
Blood Transfusion
' J^ 'he Blood Transfusion SCTVГЊCC would like to take some of your
blood! They will be visiting the University on Wednesday
17 and Thursday 18 May in the main University Hall. Appointment times can be made on Thursday 11 and Friday 12 May all
day in the Students Union.
Son of Sue's Space: The Revenge
Electives Do You Stili Want Them!!
^'here is a move afoot to abolish electives!
le proposai is that they will be replaced by more focussed provision which concentrГ©es on fcveign languagees and (xi mana g ^ e n t business studies.
The more ^cultural' element of the present electives will be
covCTed by extending activities of the University ARts Committee and through other extra-mural programmes (these could
occur only in the evenings or at lunchtimes and you could even
be charged). Also contained in the proposai is a move to limit
the exchanges that s(xne of our students take part in with Ammcan Universities.
J f not, talk to your Course Reps and lecturers. These proposais
will go forward for discussion at the University Senate Committee cm May 23.
Let your Hea^ of Department know your views - they will be
representing you at this meeting!
T o find out m o r e a b o u t S p o n s o r s h i p and C a r e e r
O p p o r t u n i t i e s in the Royal Niivy, Roynl M a r i n e s or
W o m e n ' s Royal Naval S e r v i c e , m a k e an appointm e n t through your C a r e e r s Advisory S e r v i c e to s e e
the Royal Navy's G r a d u a t e L i a i s o n Officer.
Our Computer/word processor facilities mean we can
produce liigh quaiitv woric
Have You Got Work That
Needs Typing?
We Can Do It For You At
Competitive Rates.
MГ„K^ f^^
A P P o t igrr M i r t В« ^ " ' "
t* 10ms
Phone East Horsley
(85) 3514 or 3608
We can collect and deliver
work If required
4 Friday May sth 1989
GM ,European Style
Surrey Says Yes to Europe
"Britain must wake U
Europe." saia James McMatn. Industrial Year studrat, and the union ovo^vhelmingly agreed at the
G.M. last Tuesday. His moticxi, backed by the Young European
Movement based in London, forms part of their campaign fw
Eiux)pean Democracy.
The approach oi the European parliamentary elections on June
15th has brought the issue of 1992 into shaip focus; where do
we go from here? James insisted we must go fcvward, to create
a Europe open fa' people and not just for business.
"The cultural divo^ty of Europe is a strength to be promoted,
and not to be crushed by economic forces" he said. " T h ^ ' s n o
reascHi why we can't be both British and European".
He called for people to vote in the elections in June, to have their
evolvine. He
Healso urged people to
join the Suney bianch of the Young European Movement, which
will iHtMnote these views on a wider scale, among students and
"Britain is in Europe fw good" he said, "We'vegot to take a leading role, not just sit on the sidelines as we have in the past". If
you care about your country's future, vote in the elections in
June, and for ftmho- inframation ccxitact James McMath c/o
Young European Movement, 1, Whitehall Place, London S W1A
J. McMath
Alternative Prospectus
J n last week's BF you may well have
found a sheet about the Alternative
Prospectus. The idea is to gather views
of the university in order lo pres^t the
prospective Surrey student with more
(s(Mne may say more accurate) infcmnation than just that contained in the officiai
univCTSity prospectus.
Now, it is well understood that most
people reading this will have a lot to do
this torm, what with exams and that sort
of thing, but just a few miniscule littie
moments of your oh-so-precious time
mav help a large numberof people a great
deal. Everyone here has time enough to
scribble down their complaints, praises
and comments about their c o u i ^ , the library, the shop, the launderette, the bank
etc etc. So if someone is making your
breakfast a misery by ccMnplaining ВЎВїout
their course, tell them to shut iq), write it
down, and drop it in either the big, beauteously decorated box in the union lobby,
or in one of the smaller but equally gOTgeous boxes dotted around various departm^tal notice boards.
Anyone who has the teensiest-weensiest
bit of further intqest in this project is
USSU Indents
6th May
Main Hall
From trading desk
on Door
Prizes for best attire
most welcome to come along and (^er a
helping hand with organisation and editing etc. We are voyfriendlypeq)le, and
you may rest assured you'll be greeted by
big smiles. Just drop us a note in the
union box.
And finally, to the ape who has already
twisted the lock on the union box. Please
get in touch, we'd really value your views
as you must feel so alienated and out-ofplГЎ:e here. Most university courses require some intellect
big kisses from the AP team
^ h i s is a summary of the news as reported in STUDENT, issue of Thu,
April 27lh 1989.
^ h e r e is continuing controversy over
the newly appointed CoS Univo^ty
Chaplain, Rev. Robert Ando^n. Students and staH^ have been expressing concern about the way in which his
appointment was made, (no student consultation) and his possibly prejudicial
views, particularly regarding A ^ S and
homosexuality. Anderson wrote [Glasgow Herald, Jan 87]: "AIDS is the judgement of god".
A ^)ecial genial meeting of EUSA has
been called, with a motion asking EUSA
to oppose Anderson's appointm^t in
every way, and to demand the U n i v ^ t y
to dismiss him. An earlier, low-profile
petition calling for his resignation proved
Poll Tax
J ^ U Politics lecturer, John Holloway
has been threatened with impounding
of p^^mal goods, and wage arrestment.
f(H' ncxi-payment of Poil Tax. He is one
of many students and staff opposed to the
Poil Tax, advocating a campaign of nonpaymenL EUCAPT is rumoured to be
proposing a motion at the next EUSA
GM, calling for non-co-operation in
wage arrestmenL
^ w o EU scientists firom tiie DepL of
Chemical Engineering [Gibson &
Rea] have successfully collaborated with
Glasgow engineedng fГ®rm, Barr & Wray
to produce the worlds largest wave machine. The 8ft high device was recently
installed at Disney World, Florida.
EUSA General
'Y^he annual electicxis for EUSA administrative posts will be held on May
R a g presents
A F'ancy Dress Disco
L o w e r B a r Spin
Friday May 5lh
Friday May 5th 1989 5
Now That's What I Cal
Free Fest '89
It's been a long time since you've heard
ВЈrom King and Co. about the Free Fest at
the end of May. Just a roninder ,that the
deadline fot aìl you budding Costello*s
and Mwrissey's to get your band entries
in for the competitìon is now Monday
lunch-time. Aheady they've (ali three of
them)come pouring in, so get those Gibson's out and start strumming. We* ve got
some ^eat acts appearing at the Union.
On the Friday ^ t h , Trevor and Simon (of
"Going Live" fame) will be doin' their
stuff^d this will be leally funny. Everybody should come down and "swing their
pants" to this one. Also along with Trevs*
and Simes* will be two blokes from the
"Jasper Carrott Show" called "Punt and
Dennis". Steve Punt has ^ King says,
done "Spitting Image" and evoybody's
fave "Boblius Monkihouse", which
again, King says,takesalotofsГЊdU!!
Meanwhile, Saturday promises to be,
says Mr Big, a real goody. "Jim Jiminee"
are playing. They played last tmn on cme
of the Sunday nights, and their new single
"Town and Country Blues" has been getting alot of coverage. So come and
"swing your pants" to these lads. Sunday
will be trendy theatre night with an act
called "Beat The Reaper". An alternative
name with an altnnative act G think this
means they'Ube v o y funny)! More about
these later.
On Monday, anoth^ excellent night with
a bloody funny hypnotist called "Edwin
Heath". Renouned throughout the caberet
circuit fOT his amazing skills and dazzling
humour, or is that da2zling skills and
amazing humour? Eith^ way don't miss
this one!
Well that*s about it for this week, but
we've got some "big" things lined up for
Free Fest which you should hear about
so<Hi. Well Tm off now to practise my
nervous grin and my patronising comments ready for Killroy next week, e.g
"Yes Robert, I know Tm noi bloody famous but I would like more than two seconds to take the piss out of your guests"
lan (and sidekick King)
Gilbert and
G+S Pigeon Holes
Meet at Senate steps at
P a s e d on a novel by E M Fwster Hie
story of the awakening of young Lucy
whose emotions are rocked when she witnesses a muider and whose lifeis forever
altered by the sudd^ and mysterious arrival of a passionate young man. The contrast is then made with the tea-tabling
effect of the Hcnne Countries upan such
grand emotions, from an era when dynastic families could tof^le over a single
kiss. Mz^ped out with ^solute precisiГіn,
A Room With A View is decent, honest,
truthful and a masterpiece.
Tuesday 9 May LT G 8pm 1.20 Trading
Desk and Monday and Tuesday lunchtimes in the Union foyer
FOT those who missed it o v ^ Easter and
for those who want to see it again
(plus V A T )
From clean neat legible
handwritten copy
May 11th 1989
Heather Ottaway
Tate 4/12, or
via Battersea Court
A Room With A
From ВЈ1.00 per printed page
"Me And My Girl 99
Theatre Trip
Tickets ВЈ11.00
Proof copy to check amendments
Printed on high quality bond paper
Mathematica! and Scientific
notation extra
Fast service
Phone Tessa Watson on
01 - 540 9273 for further detaГјs
Pap^ Ca4U
.fc^ alt ^Du^
6 Friday May sth 1989
Animal Welfare
y^nyone who has recently booked us for
adisco will have noticed that we now
have NEW BOOKING FORMS!! - these
are available from the House Officers,
and, combined with the super - efficiertcy
of our very own Crew boss, Axl, should
mean that organising your parties should
now be even easier.
Don't forget the forthcoming Main Hall
gigs, also Big Country are playing at the
Civic on June 2nd, so be t h ^ arul prove
to the Borough Council that there's more
to Guildford than a philharmonic wchestra! Free F ^ t is kx>ming ahead too, so
get those entries in for the band competition. Crew equipment is available for
your rehearsals, so don't hesitate to get in
contaa with us, any questions, too, about
the competition, we'd be more than glad
to help - just drop a note in the Crew pigeon hole, or see us around the Union.
Crew Person
^ h o s e of you who regularly attend
GM's will recall the Animal Welfare
Motion of last term. This motion called
on Rag to stop donating to charities that
fimd vivisection and to actively encourage charities engaged in non-animal,
medical research.
The motion was
eventually passed, albeit in a rather mutilated form.
The main sticking point (^)art from the
controversy of animal experimentation)
was that Rag must contribute a ceratian
percentage of their money raised to the
British Epilepsy Association, as this is
part of the Union Constitution. This
charity was one of the chief objections in
the motion, although changes to the Constitution require more than one quorate
GM. Hoewever, a letter read out by Rag
at last Tueasday's G M, sent by The British Epilepsy A^ociation, stated that since
198S, the Association no longer carried
out expoiments on animals, such wcnk
having been taken over by the newlyformed British Epilepsy research FpoundaUon. Whilst the Animal Welfare
Group still condemns the use of animals
in medical,or indeed any OUICT, research,
the donation of Rag mmey to the Asso-
Arts Cinema
Room with a View
9th May
Another Country
23rd l\/lay
6th June
Manon Des Sources
20th June
ciaticMi, who spend their fimds on providing equq>,ent and facilities fw the care
and ccHiselling of epilepsy suffers, is
quite accq)table. So everybody can Uve
happily ever ^ t a without furtiier campaigning on that issue.
I would like to thank Rag fw foUowing
up this matter by ccHitacting the British
Epil^sy Association and for their patience and coq)aation in what turned out
to be a very delicate affair. See you at the
charities meeting, guys.
Now some quick messages to AW
Groupies and HuntSabs. Friday May Sth
is the day of the Guildford street collectif for Southon Anti-Bloodsp(nls Society. Please can you ^)are sometimeand
help out, if only just during the luch hour.
Also, next Tuesday May 9th, is the first
Animal Welfare Group meetij^g of this
torn, 7.00iMn in the Nelson Mandela
Committee ROOM. Be there.
Rob Edqell.
Rag prcseiiis
A F'aiìcy Dress D i s c o
L o w e r B a r Spiti
Friday May 5th
We areGoing To
Eat You
Free Ents
Sunday 7th May
Live in Union
Pop Will Eat Itself
All Tuesdays
All in LtG at 8.00pm
John Moore and
the Expressway
All at ВЈ1.20
Season Ticket is ВЈ5.00
(Already missed Two movies)
Yeah God
Friday 12th May
Main Hall
Tickets ВЈ5.00-ВЈ5.50
Friday May 5th 1989 7
Bare Facts Travel Specia
Holiday time is almost here
again, when we hit the
roads, rails and air ianes to
go sunbound. BF prГ©sents
a short guide to Europe and
beyond, to whet your appetite and provide some ideas.
Ail Roads Lead To
"..Jlqxvt of fashions in proud Italy,
Whose m a n n ^ still our tardy-apish nation Limps after in base imitation."
So said York in Shakespeare's Richard n
and his perceptive view is still valid
today. Italy is the centre of fashion, the
home of c ^ e and beach society and, during the Summer, it's hot, hot, hot! How
long before we can catch up?
The focal point of any visit to Italy should
be bustling Rome, or should I say the
three Romes - ancient, modem and Catholk:.
The ancient relies of Shakespeare's Julius
Caesar and Coriolanus's Rome are based
mainly around the C^itol and Palatine
hills, although the totn relie may be misleading - the F(xum, the Coliseum and the
Pantheon are still impiessive. Catholic
Rome (ie the Vatican and S t Peter's
Square) is truly awe-inspiring and
massive, although Michaelangelo's Cistine ChВїq)el is likely to be under scaffolding. Modem Rome is epitomised by
maniac d r i v ^ , pizza and pasta and the
Trevi Fountain - meeting point f В« the
ci^'ssunseekers. Cheap accommodation
can be limited in the Summer in Rome,
but if you can find it it can be very cheap
indeed. It's also good value to go native
and eat pizza and sip wine in the city's
You go south of Rome at your p m l in the
Summer because it really is hot, hot, hot!
And anyway, the best beaches are in the
N(xth, especially on the Italian R i v i ^
bГЄtween Pisa and Genoa where it's
cheap, attractive and there's plenty to do
if you get bumed on those golden sands.
OГјier hot spots for pedeloes, beach
games and b ^ h bars are Ancona and
Talking of Venice, in Richard II it was
Norfolk who "Retired himself to Italy;
and there at Venice, gave His body to
that pleasant countiy's earth.." an easy
thing to do given that waterboume
Venice is quite unlike any other city.
Howevo', the spirit of the bard's Merchant lives (HI for it is ВЎn^tty expensive
there. Forget the gondolas and take the
boat-bus, plenty of sandwiches and
plenty of film. FUghlights are SL Marks
Square and the Rialto Bridge.
Elsewhere, Padua, Horence and Pisa are
ali much the same - beautiful monuments
and churches, some nightlife - but no
beaches. F(vget the lakes in "Lombardy,
the pleasant garden of great Italy" (Taming of the Shrew) unless you're bloody
Ali in
Italy is a great place for a cheap
holiday with lots of sun, sea, sights, Shakespeare and other things beginning with
Paul van Dijk
Uber Ailes?
West Germany
( J e r m a n y is best known for beer, wurst,
Lederhosen and building fast cars,
but there is more to it! It has to be said
th^ the booze is plentifiil, particularly if
you visit the Oktoberfest in Munich, '^is
happens (surprisingly) in early October,
celel^ting tte harvest, and is basically
for a party which takes OVCT the whole
ci^. You can often find beer festivals at
varions times of the year in the rest of
G^many, and a visit to a Bierkeller is a
good idea. There are lots of steins of
Гў:x)thing beer served at long tables where
everyone sits together and sings drinking
A cruise on the Rhine is a good way to see
some of the s c e n ^ , casdes and interesting little villages along its banks (although not recommended dSict a few
hours in a biericeller). If you choose the
right bit of the riva-, you will be treated
to the song about the Lareley Rock and
its legend, played constantly during the
Also in the Rhineland area lies the Moselle valIey, a smaller, more picturesque
version of the Rhine. Vineyardscoverthe
hillsides and there are many places selling its fruits. Around Cologne is Phantasialand - a scn of Goman Alton T o w ^
on a smaller scale. Further souih is the
Black Forest and Bavaria, a very indГ©pendant area with its own custcxns and
To the East is Berlin, the former Г©ditai
of Germany, which is now divided by the
wall and is a sort of island in East Germany. Berlin has a brilliant nightlife
which caters for ail tastes and lasts until
the cafГ©s q}en in the moming. You can
also visit the "Haus am Checkpoint Charlie" which has ail sorts of ingГ©nions inventions that people have used to escape
from the East
Getting to Germany is relatively easy
(you can fly to Koln^usseldorf for $87)
or cross the channel to Holland and take
the train - Germany's rail system is excellent. Once you get there, there are lots of
small hГґtels, Youth Hostels (a massive
one in Cologne) and further south there
are lots of campsights. In gГ©nГ©ral, though,
things are more expensive than in Britain.
8 Friday May sth 1989
Vodka And Glasnost,
Shaken Not Stirred
J f you decide to go and judge the situatim in the Soviet Union
for yourself, (a very commendable dГ©cision) then don't getany
funny ideas about fUIing your case with jumpers, snow boots,
and woolly hats. The Russian spring is as warm as the English
Summer ani the temperature begins to soar into the thirties round
about the end of i^nil. So first of all there is the sunshine to be
enjoyed. Unless you are a student (A Russian or have been invited over by Soviet friends, the organisation INTOURIST is the
only way that you will get tt) the Soviet Unicm, (Wint^ Palace,
Red Square, L^in*s Tomb and the thousand or so war m ^ o rials, statues and broken bells, and all). With a monopoly of the
tourist services over there, Intourist likes to divide fcneign^
into neat little groups of 2 0 m 30, like with mГјitary units, each
undor the command of a guide. Earlier your guide would have
been e v ^ o n e * s idea of a ^ i c a l communist - soberiy dressed,
built like the Russian national shot-put champion and ready to
spout ideas about Marxist-Leninist ideology. Things have
changed, the dress is now raniniscent of last years Burlington
spring catalogue range, and Marxist ideas have been replaced by
a firm unflinching Standpoint on the impotance of flexible debate and new thinking (Glasnost?)
^ ^ i t h luck, your guide won't be the only Russian that you'11
meet You can*t go anywhere without being accosted every
few yards by Soviets eager to make Г± i ^ d s with a westemo*, but
usually these people are Black Maiketeo^, who'll willingy buy
the s h ^ off your back if you'll let them, and if you are female,
watch out fcn* the Russian Romeos (wiГјi distinctly dishonourable intenti(His). Hut if you disiegard these 2 types the resi are
sincere in their fnendship and your most pleasant evenings can
be spВ«it either rajoying the legendaiy Russian hospitality at
someones fiat, or being shown some of the locai ni^tspots
which your Intourist guide would assume you were not interested in. This is also the cheapest way to see the Soviet Union,
as Intourist, while it has included some of the sight-seeing in the
originai prГ№^e will expect you to pay for tickets fcH* the ballet and
any otho* tours in hard currency, at about 5 times the normal
price that any Russian would pay. Tickets for the Bolshoi, for
instance, can cost anything up to 26 pounds...Intourist is out to
take e v ^ last penny of hard currency off you and if you won't
buy the tickets off them there are always Гљie hotel foreign currency bars (distirxtly variable pnces depending on the honesty
of thie barman). If you want some of that famous Russian booze
to bring back as a souvenir, the new anti alcdiol laws have made
sure that the most ready source will be the hotel foreign currency
shop as well. Costs vary from 200-300 pounds for a week long
tour, 400-500 for 2 weeks and 700-800 pounds for three weeks.
Those who pian on using officiai Channels for entertainm^t
should calcГєlate for about 100 pounds on top of that, but those
who intend to rely on more traditìonal metlKxls of self-finance
will find they need considerably less(!).
Veronica Craufurd
Yankee Doodle
Canada and the USA
Q n t a r i o , the Canadian province bordering with The States, is
an ideal location from which a po^pective on these two
neighbouring, yet highly distinctive countries can be gained. Toronto is the highly impressive, cosmopolitan principal city of
Ontario, with a multiuide of attractions for visitors. These include the CN Tower, The Eaton Cuitre, a variety of musГ©ums,
gallmes, stately homes and parks, and "Ontario Place" (a mini
theme park in t ^ heait of the city).
Niagara is an obvious choice w h ^ in this part of Canada. The
Falls, though spectacular, are sunounded by a comm^ialized
seaside-like town which (rovides plenty evidence of being the
honeymoon cГ­^ital of the world. Far more attractive and peaceful towns, such as Niagara-on-the-Lake, can be found in the surrounding area. "The Maid of the Mist" boat ride upto the
H o ^ s h o e Falls is a popular highlight of the visiL
Other attractions in this area include, Lake Ontano for waterspOTts enthusiasts, and "Canada's Wonderland", an impressive
rival to Alton Towers. Ontario ГЎlso provides a rare opportunity
to visit a Momonite Community within its country towns. These
sixteenth century Hughenot refugees have a simple farming Ufesele, shunning all modon conveniences and "westemization".
The railway network within CaГ±ada, and between CaГ±ada and
The States is poor, but there is a sufficient, if slow, coach service. For those wishing to visit the States, New Yoik City
becomes an obvious magnet. The cost of the trip will be dramatically reduced if you are prq)ared to travel ovemight From Toronto this will take about twelve hours. Once in Manhatten
peihaps the best advice would be to take a tour. In this way, apart
from seeing everything the^ is to see, you will avoid the hoards
of murd^ers, r^ists, street gangs, and pimps which litt^ the
streets in this den of iniquity. SerГ­ously though, tourists should
become aware of the d a n g ^ , especially after visiting oth^ safer
cities, such as Toronto, which carry a more relaxed atmosphere.
Wamings g i v ^ , such as, "to keep moving" when on the streets,
and to travel by taxi at night, will prove valuable. However, if
such a scene does not tum you away, the dramatГ­c world renouned sights of The Big Apple will undoubtedly make your
visit memorable.
Friday May 5th 1989 9
Time And Money
L e t ' s get this straight before we go any
further. Switzo'land is a country of
very very rich people employing lots of
slightly less rich pei^le to do jobs which
are actually not very unpleasant at all. As
a result, Switzerland is a very expensive
place to visit, but it's also very nice. It's
a small counoy, geographically comprising of small, friendly, unpolluted urt)an
areas, surrounded by huge damn great
mountains. The mounmins themselves
are great to wake up to, great to drive up,
but as hiring a car is (H^tically a financial impossibility, the cxily real way to see
them is by train. Some of the trains go up
ridicuk>usly steep banks, so be prepared
for a shocking ride. Be prepared also for
an expensive ride.
The Swiss will point you towards a tourist centre like Into-laken (between two
lakes, Thun and Brienz, easy eh?) whkh
is fair enough, they know you can ' t a^ord
the rest of the country. These tourist
towns are very bcning, full of Omega
timepieces and bizarre but excellent penknives (buy VictВЈMTnox-the most expulsive but the best - the swiss army actually
use them) but the main cities, B^ne,
Geneva, Basel, Zurich and Luzem have a
pretty groovy nightlife (checkout Basel's
Atlantis club - Eddy the owner speaks S
languages fluently & Alexis Komer
played there regularly).
The Swiss themselves are a funny bunch.
You must und^tand this is a country
which still has national service, wiped out
the gypsies, and banked for the third
Rek:h. All of the mobxways are mined,
so that when the war comes, they can all
jump into their cars, drive into the mountains and blow up all the roads. Still,
they're awfully nice with it, have civilised toilets (unlike the Frrach) and do
have lots of lovely mountains. Everything's expensive, excellent quality and
the streets are very clean, llie food is
great except in Ticino where the Italian
tendency for salads greased to death is
Oh yes, lakes. They have beautiful lakes
also but they're pretty cold, so I'd stick to
the swimming pools, whoe you'll prol>ably have to wear a rubber hat (bit of an
unusual thrill for the ch^s) and defìnitely have to pay thru the nasal cavity.
So, to summarise, take lots of money if
you've got it, be prepared to sleep rough
if you don't, and be prepared to be deported if they catch you sleeping rough,
or doing anything else vaguely naughty.
Rule Brittannia?
United Kingdom
jQritain may not be everyone's first
choice of holiday destination but in
spite (tf the imcotainty of the weather, it
h ^ a lot to offer. If you enjoy idyllic, rolling countryside and vast expanses of
freshwato*, and the outdoor and waterboume activities that go with them, then
the Lake District is the place to visit As
well as the famous Windermere, there are
many pKbiresque lakes like Ullswater
and, pГ©diaps most beautiful of all, Coniston Water, of Donald Cambell fame.
There are innumo^ble B & Bs in the Lake
District at reasonable ВЎnices, as well as
comfortable holiday cottages and flats,
but avoid visiting in late July/eariy August, especially by car.
If you prefer more mountainous terrain
then North Wales and Snowdonia should
appeal. Amoung the attractions there are
Shallow Falls, probably the most beautiful wat^all in Britain, and of course
Mount Snowdon, the highest peak in
England and Wales. Portmeirion, famous
for its pottery and as the location for the
cult TV series "The Prisons", is nearby.
Sat on a cliff top ov^looking a superb
sandy beach, this village, built in the Ital i c style, is an incredible spectacle.
Moving South, the Cornil Coast is a
more tourist orientated resort. There you
can fmd a barrage of attractions from
Wildlife parks to an Earth listening station. For the quieter life of the golf
course, move inland. There you can play
the course that Jack built - Вї e spectacular SL Mallion, designed by golfing legend Jack Nicklaus. This can be
expulsive, however at ВЈ30 pCT round, but
thCTe are many other good, less expensive courses in the vicinity.
This only scrapes the surface of the great
variety of quality holidays in Britain, and
although they can be more expensive,
there are no language or customs barriers
and they are easy to plan.
Clogs And
^mstCTdam is the capital of all things
artistic and cultural in Holland, as
well as all things seedy and incongruous.
The two opposing faces of Amsterdam
live side by side, much of a muchness to
the visiting tourist • you are just as likely
to see troupes of white-cВЈ^)ped, trenchcoated Americans looking at a prostitute
in a red-lit shop window as at Rembrandt's "Night Watch" in the Rijksmuseum. The centre of the city. Dam Square,
sight of the Grand Palace and National
Mcxiument, is within walking distance of
all the major sights - Anne Frank's house
(now a museum), the Rijksmuseum
Г’iome for Rembrandts, VermeCTS and
Hals's), the Heineken brewery (home of
free beer tasting) and of course the Burgswal, home of the notorious, drug infested red-light district You don't have
to look for drug dealers here, they find
you. This is also where the best ban and
restauraunts are incid^tly.
The best way to get around Amsterdam is
by bike or canal, and the best way around
Holland is by train.
Elsewhere in The Netherlands, Den Haag
(The Hague), as befits the political capital, is full of fine buildings but littie el%.
Volendam and Monnickendam are "living museums" - people th^e wear traditi(Hial dress (including wooden clogs) and
live in traditional houses. Amhem has a
museum of the famous battle there and
Friesland has plenty of cows. Scheveningen is the Amsterdammers' favourite
beach resort The tulipfieldsare best seen
in May, the Edam cheese is best eaten
very mature, the Bols gin is best drunk
blue and the hash is best left alone.
Prices in Holland are average - B and B
in a youth hostel costs about ВЈ6, and a restauraunt meal about the same. The people
are very fiiendly, and, importantly, all
speak English.
10 Friday May sth 1989
Bare Facts Holiday '89
Filnfi Guide
With Pete 'n' PhiI
Gentlemen Prefer
Well, what can one say about such a weil
known part of the world? Quite a lot since
it is best known for its beautiful blonde
wcMnra and six foot four hunks. But how
do you get to this fabled land?
At only ВЈ 6 0 return, the boat is the cheapest It's a 24 hour trГ­p, but you can start
your holiday as you mean to go on,by taking a sauna or a late n i ^ t disco. When
you arrive language will be no problem
as 70% of Scandinavians speak English
fiuently and the resi speak enough to be
able to help with most problems.
Travelling by train? TTien remember to
try and take "Red Savers" when in
Sweden as they are half price - book in
advance for they get full jnetty quickly.
Stockholm is a beautiful city bullt on Islands and is also quite small, so it is
possible to walk around much of iL The
Youth Hostel is unique, because it's built
on a sailing ship and oГџers an exquisite
view of the old town. It is cheap anid you
can stay for up to seven days.
Going out, there are many places of interest to see which are not expensive. The
main "money-q)ending" tìme comes in
the evening, with a pint (they only ser/t
lager, mainly) costing between 40-45
crowns, thats about ВЈ4. The cinema costs
50 crowns (films are not dubbed) and a
nightclub some 60 to 100 crowns.
Furtho" up north in places like Are, Tronheim and Osterund, the views are simply
spectacular, as you travel over mountains
to get t h ^ . If you enjoy waUdng, this is
the place for you. There are hotels you
can walk between, but I recommend that
you take a tent so that you can take things
at your own pace.
Well, have a good time, because I certainly did.
Marc Vincent.
C'est Combien?
The cost of your
summer holiday
Piane, train and
automobile tickets are
available for ali the locations mentioned
in the B F Travel Special at the student
travel cratre in the Student's Union, including a large numbo* of short term offcrs.
Specials this summer include the Int^rail
ticket, which covers most of Europe, at
ВЈ145 for one calender month.
Transalpino is no longer with us, having
gone into liquidation so the only other
train ticket alternative isEurotrain. Prices
and conditions are much the same.
It costs just a little more to fly, although
you do f(Mfeit leisure and flexibility.
H ^ ' s a sampler of prices.
Amsterdam, by train, ВЈ34.90
Paris, ВЈ23.50 o/w by train,
ВЈ39, by piane.
Munich, ВЈ58.60 o/w by train
and ВЈ39 par avion.
New York, ВЈ219 return (by
piane, stupid!).
Rome, ВЈ54 o/w by piane and
ВЈ65.90 byrail (o/w)
Berlin, ВЈ84 return winging it.
IKxi't forget insurance and visas (and
suntan lotion and shades and jabs and the
BF travel special) before you go away.
Please send us a postcard at Bare Facts.
Fri 5tk May for Sevtn Days
Screen 1 : A NIGHTMARE
Freddy's back with us once again, and as
always under a cloud of controversy. The
basic premise of the series (the ghost of a
grotesque child murderer who preys on
young teenagers in their dreams) has always caused moral indignation in some
quarters, but concern over this latest q)isode has focused on the sicko cult foUowing the characta* has attracted and the
tacky Publicity campaign being conducted by UK distributors Palace Pictures. A great shame really because some
of you will recali that the Wes Craven
originai was a stylish and supably packaged movie, and cmain criticai circles
reckon that "The Dream Master" is just as
good. Only recommended foraffectГ­onados of the series, though.
Daily at 1.45 4.05 6 3 0 9.00
A secretary makes it to the top by impersonating her obnoxious boss, and stealing
her boyfiriend on the way. The pk>t seems
to have been cuUed from oth^ movies
("The Secret Of My Success" springs to
mind), but this outstanding effort from
Mike "The Graduate" Nichols has more
warmth and conviction in it's little finger
than mostromantic comedies these days.
Excellent performances from a starry
cast, which includes Sigoumey Weavo*,
Melanie Griffiths and Harrison Fcrd.
Daily at L 1 5 3 . 4 0 6.05 8 3 5
Screen 3 : RAIN MAN
Umpteenth week for this worthy, multiOscar winning Hoffinann/Cruise vehicle.
Stili packing 'em in, so eith^ boc^ up in
advance CM* get there early if you can.
Daily at 2.05 5 . 0 5 8 . 0 5
Whacky comedy in which Dan Aykroyd
plays a cranky scientist whose attempts to
contact extra-terrestrials bear fhiition in
the shapely form of Kim Basinger. A S(Mt
of cross bttween "Starman" and "Splash"
but not as good as either movie. Howev^,
it does have il*s moments and Basinger
shows that she can impress without having to resort to wet T-shirts and other
forms of nipple exposure.
Daily at 1 . 1 0 3 3 0 6.00 8.40
Friday May 5th 1989 11
Accomodation In Guildford
July & August #95 a month House for 4
, enquire via Acc office (Mrs Smith) or
M.Sargent (Maths dept).
The Psycho Soc AGM, ThГјrs 11 may at
1 P M in the AD lobby; be there or be
Games Soc (including wargames), Sunday May 7th at 2:(X)pm in the committee
Be there...or face the Wrath of EI Stripiano.
Civ. Eng. Soc A.G.M. will be held at 1pm
on thursday May 25th in room 5AA19.
General Engineering Society (EIM)
AGM, Wednesday 17 May at 1:00pm, in
Karting Club
The Kan Racing day will take place
either in week 4 or wedc 5 this tmn
hopefully this won't be in the middle of
your exams! To resove your place
or find out what a great day out it is call
in and speak to lan in SHC 4G,
Chl-Rho Notices
Friday 5th May - 1 .OOPM - Lunch & Discussion, Batteisea Court Bar
Sunday 7th May - 10.30AM - Act of Worship - Councillor's Fiat
Wednesday lOth May - 7.30PM - Roots
of Religion Confumation Course (3) - at
6, Cathedral Qose
Street collectws needed - Friday 19th
May for The Bridsh Leprosy Association
contact the Sallie (PrГ©sident) Union Offices.
playscheme assistants needed - 24th
July - 25th August 9am - 5pm 100 pw
working at the Ministry of Agriculture,
f i r m e s and Food contact Sallie Robins.
Student Typing
Zssays, Industrial Year ttports. Final Year projects. ReВ«srch
m>Ject5, MSc*s &PhD*d ttc
^ a U d n g about Cinderellas, it was good
to see such a large posse down there
Afirican Dance Workshop
Thursday llth May, 6-7.30pm, Main
Hall. The Dance Society is ofГ­mng an
African Dance Wwicshop, taken by Chris
Ugolo. The session will provide a basic
introductioi to the traditional dances of
West Africa, and admission is free.
Movement and Dance Class
Please note the alteration of day, time,
and venue:- Tuesdays 9th and i6th May,
7.30-8.30, Main Hall. Further dates to be
confirmed. B e g i n n s welcome. Tutors:
Jackie Adkins and Sara Port^.
GAPT Meeting
T h ^ will be a meeting of the 'Guildford
Against the 1^11 Tax* Group on Monday,
8th May at 7.30pm, in TB 11. If you are
interested in fmding out the 'facts' about
Poll Tax, please join us.
Have yfHir documentation typed to the exact standard of ptrscn
tГјuon required tor yiHir suhnuston. Typal ur word processed
Very good rates, ex uniN^rsity secrclay.
PliOSГў iГЄi^phonГЄ GaiUford 234347.
Soul Club
^ n y w a y , Soulclub are by no means
dead, as we aim to prove over the next
eight weГ©kSy initially with a load of discos in the Lower and Hall bars, and also,
if I am still social sec., I will be arranging
some trips up to London for those who are
bored shitless with Cinderwell'ards.
Anyway, soiry about the "column" last
week - one was written, but there was obviously no room for it cos of the BF
B 'day. Oh well, at least they printed most
of the facts.
Drama and Dance
Drama Soc Presents A DRAMA WORKSHOP Improvisations, Sketches Etc.
Wednesday lOth May TB18
Everyone Welcome
on Monday night, lured no doubt by the
50p entrance before 10pm, and also the
Tcq) of the pops style miming 'live* apice of Funky Worm,
'hey almost made up for it with good
dancing, bu the music was good anyway. To those that went, tell your mates
how good it is, and if you didn't have any
mates down there you can't be worth
worrying about anyway! Imagine
Thusrday night prices, non- stop good
music, and a bar less than five people
deep, and that's Blackout Oh, and also
there aren't as many f c k i n ' students!
That* s about it for this week. Look out for
details of the Philly Soul Tour and
Cookie Crew live in the Civic Hall (I'm
on the guest list!) on our notice- board.
One final thing, our thoughts are with Teressa Buteux, who had the good taste to
book us for the Netball Club LBD, and
then the bad luck to be hit by a motorbike,
leaving her in a coma for a large part of
the Easter Hols. She's on the mend now,
and if you're reading this, get better soon
Stanley Accrrington - A review
^ a h ! Come on. Folk Gub without the odd hiccup just wouldn't
be Folk Club, would it ? Anyway, be that as it may, on Tuesday evening, in the Lower Bar, Stan the Man, sex symbol extraordinaire, came to Folk Qub and provided us with much mirth
and merriment, in ^ i t e of the problems he had with his guitar in
the first half. A shame really, because w h ^ he did eventually
play, he was pretty damn
"It's hard to be romantic in an
abattoir." How true! And so the evening continued...a number
of alternative love songs, environmental awareness songs, and
lots of fimny stuffl (usually in the key of nyaaa). Some of you
just don't know what you're missing!
Thanks go to Stage Crew for doing the sound. the audience for
turning up, and the remarkably talwited Floor Singers for their
invaluable contribution.
Next Folk Club date is May 16th, when Nothing By Chance
(alias Waterfall) will be the entertainCTS. Seasoned Folk Club afficianados will know what to expect As for the rest of you, why
not come along and fmd out for yourselves? Details in next
week's BF.
Anyone interested in helping with Folk Club, please ccMne to our
Any help with publicity would be greatly ai^reciated. Thanks.
12 Friday May sth 1989
Squiffy goes to the zoo.
^ n d pushing the glasses up his snout,
also meant that Chef was about to
lapse into meaningful ccmversation of
quantum mechanics and all its wonders..
The pool tables w ^ crowded out as
usual, the blokes were dicussing the game
with intellectual statements and carefully
timed commets, "double the eue off^ the
c ^ t r e red and plant a kiss (MI the corner
cushion with a bullshit factor of no less
than 7.." said one brightiy, the Steve
Mazea^k of the U X . The girl hamster
took her shot, holding the eue totally the
wrong way round and gazed at the array
of colourГ©d balls infnxit of her. In seconds hundreds of "helpful" males had
l e ^ t to her rescue all giving great game
advice, and not at all hoping for a quick
one behind the bike sheds, honest guv,
straight up would I lie to you !!!!!
The table cleared as she was wisked away
to the bar where many a Cree drink was
surely Coming her way. Grez put his
money on the table. He was rieh, he only
had a thousand pound ov^draft from the
Gnat west, wot a lucky bldce the rest
thought themselves. Squiffy stared at the
money on the table, and decided he'd better put it in the slot as no balls seemed to
be f(xthcoming. Grez looked on dumbfoundedly, what would you expect from a
Mike racked up the balls, and being an expert had got it wrong. Grez broke. What
a player, what a performo-, what a prais.
The night dragged oa slowly and the
hamsters retired to their respective rooms
ready for the next day.... Moming struck,
and unfortunately for yon squiffy, his
head was a little too sore for the worse.
Playing pool and drinking eight pints was
not his heads idea fun, especially at 10
o'clock in the moming, and today was
very special, Squiffy was off to the
ZOO... "Come on" shouted Nie from behind the door. SquifГ®y whipped off his
stripey grandad pyjamas and slipped on
some "flags of die world" boxer shorts
under his ripped S O l ' s ( c o r r
TRENDY...!n. grabbing his scrotes as he
did so. Come cm guys, you know what its
like to get them caught...Yowch..!!!
(wh^ a tame phrase thought the authcH*..)
The little sextuplet of hamsters nished to
the station and boarded the train. Squiffy
hadn'tbeenthere since that decorative return from the RAM. The train chugged
aloig merrily and reached Londcxi in no
time. "All aboard the skylaik" shouted
squiffy climbing aloft a London bus. He
couldn't wait to feed the penguins, and
tossed them his tin of sardines. The others
use of can openers before hand. They
couldn't believe their eyes. In one of the
cages stalked a Ufe size replica of the
union President (please don't take offence, you'retaking over in 2 weeks anyway...!!!) The h a m s t ^ went over to the
farm compound to strdce all of the little
piggies and cowies. In the nightrooms
Squiffy saw the creature he'd most
wanted to see ali his life, an AARDVARK.... For over seven years since
reading a zoo-book at school he had been
fascinated by the w(Md,and had p o n d ^ d
over what the actual beast could look like.
H m it was, in all it's beauty.
It lay there defiantly upon its back, legs
well spread and long anteating snout poking high into the air. And what was it
doing...? Scratching its bollocks thats
what, dirty bastard thought squiffy, what
a waste of seven years. It reminded him
of Chef when he was drunk.... "Time for
a photey" yelled Su. She was a psychologist you know. Squiffy handed over the
camera and climbed upon Marc's Shoulders. "arrrrghhhh my things stuck" he
clammered unn^ingly, but it was too
late, with a deafning thundering quake,
the two collased in a mess on the ground.
Wayne looked on in utter disgust, how
childish he thought, dreaming of boiled
nmny eggs and soldiers.. .enough to make
any normal person yog horr^dously.
Helen dashed off for a food stop. Eight
hot-DOGS in six minutes, what was she
trying to teli the men... l've heard of pirrhanas but this is ridiculous thought
squiffy to himself. After eating their
pack-lunch inside the cafГ©tГ©ria and ВЎHetending they'd bought it, honest guv..
The hamsters headed fcВ«- the Г©lГ©phant
compound and Rosie the RhirK).. Su
g a z ^ in marvel at the giant beast but the
was uninterested in her prudent efforts to attract his attention. Well in the
space of seven hours and 3 pages of sedit
on Prime, the hamsters walked in the directi(Mi of the Exit gate. Squiffy grabbed
Marc's arm and tried intВ»itly to embarrass him. "How could you" he shouted,
"how on earth could you bust the motor
of my favourite ACME ISinch anal intruda, (with 10% extra with every purchase), and you didn't replace the
powerpack last time". Marc tumed red
but Squiffy continued. "Sorry madam,
but we're a couple of wild raving screeming benders " lГ­ie party was over and the
last dance was gone. The hamsters
boarded the same old bus and found a restaurant. Not having much money...
"GRANTS NOT LOANS" they muttered together. Well not e n o u ^ to buy an
eighth every fortnight They wdered dieir
meal, fГ®ve cups of tea and a trendy glass
of, oh, Perrier. This was style, a cup of tea
in a cheapy run down cafe, and not a sign
of Wb- Bishop or "I've got a leally large
torso come and play with it Jane"
The drinks arrived promptly, unlike the
train service, and were gratefully received. Helen reached for her purse
Can you withstand the suspense ? Is this
just another Neighbours teain-tumor diagnosis, opГ©ration and success type
story..? Are all your favourite BF editors
really leaving..?(Yes-BF.Ed.Board) find
out next week in the Thrilling ? exciting
? (groan) adventures of Squiffy the wonder hamster... WOW... To the Rat-Cave
Robbins —
The Edge of the Crowd
rom a leaflet issuedby theNUS
'J^he foUowing extract is from
10 years ago. It is made all the more relevant by the recent
legai moves of Section 28 of the Locai Govonment A c t
"The homosexual has no problems simply because he or she is
homosexual, except those created by the attitude of society, including those created by the law. Among young people in particular these problems include loneliness and dejxession. The
young person who is homosexual will find that he or she doesn ' t
fit in prc^rly with heterosexual parties, discos, dances, etc., and
will give up attending.
Because of the fear of the stigma attached to homosexualitv - the
fear of losing friends or incurring soci
social d i s ^ r o v a l - young men
and women will very, very rarely identify themselves as homosexual. Even though there will almost CCTtainly be o t h ^ among
their friends in the same position, they wcxi't get in touch.
The loneliness of such a situation is depressing. Young homosexual people are aware that the orthodox views of society are
against them and may not realise how much these views are
being challenged. It is not at all unccxnmon for such a youngster
to feel that he or she is the only homosexual on eanh."
Eliot Lovell.
Friday May 5th 1989 13
The Outsider Presents...
A Letter From AiTierica....
Greetings once again from simny, downtown Boston. I must begin by appologising for not writing for so long but to tell
the truth I have been terrified of putting
pen to paper Г§^et since the Salman Rushdie a f ^ . As you know the punishment
for writing anti-Islamic material is death,
what you may not know is that the punishment fw writing anti-Khomeni material is the equally severe measure of being
f<Kced to travel on Briti^ Rail without a
crash helmet!!!
But then I decided that I wasn't going to
cower down to the threats of the murderous Khomeni regime - there's gonna be
no ass licking fixnn me!
Tehran is such a beautiful city, compared
to whkh Boston is like a drop of curdled
milk drying on the nipple of a lactating
camel. And I swear Khomeni's looking
youngs every day - what a gec^geous
beard he has - so long white and fluffy. I
must say I think Rushdie was wrong to
print all that stuff in his b o d e . . . those
stcHies about the prophet Mohamed and
the virgin d(xikey are completely untrue
- besides the donkey was seductively
dressed and was asking for it! !
I've recendy taken a job as a pharmacy
technician at OSCO DRUGS a store
whose slogan is "people who care". This
store really is into customer sCTvice in a
big way and uses cliches such as "We
need the customs, the customer doesn't
need us" etc. They really go overboard
with the training 'though. During my first
week I had to watch a dozen videos on
how to serve customers. ApparenUy
people don't just ccHne in to buy i^iarmaceuticals, according to the videos what
they are really looking for is a "pleasant
shc^ping experience". So what am I supposed to do • count out their change, light
up a cigarette and ask, "how was it for
you". "Well it was nice but can I be cm top
next time".
Anyway - all this pharmacy experience is
bound to come in handy, after all how different can a pharmacy in Boston be compared to one in England?
Las t wedc a w(xnan came in for some Percocets (strong painkillers) for her boyfriend. When we asked her for his ID in
order to fill the prescription she relied
that ho^ boyfriend had been shot and the
police had taken all his credit cards for
identification purposes! W e l l . . . this kind
of thing happens in Croydon all the time,
doesn't it! I can see it now, a small pharmacy in sunny South Croydon S.lSpm..
. a dude walks in all covered in blood and
asks for some Percocets, and since I've
handled this situation before I'll say to
him, "Bloody hell matey - what happened
to you, did you get shot or something..."
and he'll say, "No mate this happens to
me e v o y day - 1 come home from work
by British Rail".
I don't know if any of you will have heard
about this but last September some dude
in South Carolina attacked a school and
killed 2 children. Then some other
whacko killed S kids and wounded 30
otho^ and, in January of this year, yet another psycho opened fire on 200 with a
semi-automatic rifle and killed S Vietnamese kids. This led to a big debate on
whether semi-automatic weapCHis should
be banned - not all weapons mind you j u ^ the semi-automatic ones! ! I President
Bush was asked whether he would be in
favour of the ban and rq)lied "I'm not
gonna ban automatic rifles which people
want to hunt with..." Well it's certainly
very courageous of President Bush to
stand up for the rights of huntere - after
all, hunting schooUdds is a proud traditi(xi in this country and something has to
be done to keep their numbers (town . .
.They can become real pests in large numbers (especially cm buses) and remember
- the fewer the school kids the less it will
cost Mr Bush in future student loans!
Hwe are some statiistics I came across recently that really scared the crap out of
(1) During '84 & '85 the no' of people
that died from injuries inflicted by fire
arms in the U.S.A. was 63,897 which is
more than the numb^ of casualties that
the U.S. suffered in the entire 8 and-a-half
years of the Vietnam war.
(2) Despite all the troubles in Israel, more
people were killed in Washington DC
then on the West Bank last year.
(3) The number of people murdered by
luuid guns in 1985.
Canada 5
(population 25 million)
Britain 8
(population 57 million)
Japan 46
(popul^on 146 million)
USA 8029 (population 250 million)
Now for what's new on the music scene.
"G-G-G-Girl you know its t r u e . . I'm in
love girl.' - Got it yet! ! ! One more clue two black dudes with really long hair
from Holland - Got it yet!!! OK, one last
clue - they wear women's clothing and
Doctor Martin Boots! Yep - Minni Vanilli have arrived in the Good Old U.S. of A
and that bastard song has been going
round in my head for the last four days.
Roy Orbison is doing reallv well in the
charts (amazing how death can breath
new life into you! !!). Debbie Gibson is at
no' One again,(amazing how brain death
can breathe new life into you!!) and the
professional pseudo-virgin Madonna is
up to h ^ old tricks again in h ^ new video
"Like a Prayo-".
This is a video in which our heroine tries
something completely d i f f e r e n t . . . remember "Material Girl" in which she
played a slm in Hollywood and "Like a
Virgin" in which she played a slut in a
wedding dress, well now you can see her
playing a slut in a church AND in front of
some buming crosses!!! Appar^Гјy the
video has been getting some stick from
the Catholic Church in Italy. The Pope
wanted more cleavage and so the video
has been withdrawn until they can rectify
the situation.
Yet another "artist" has been getting vast
amounts of money by doing commercials
for Pepsi. This time its Robot Palmer
whose latest song is called "Simply Irresistable" and cOTsists of lyrics such as, "her
methods are inscrutABLE, the proof is irrefutABLE, she's so beautifully kissABLE ...etc, etc". For Christ's sake Bob,
are there any more words ending with
"ABLE" that you would like to share with
us ...How about, "Cucumber is her favourite Veg^able, her rubber doll's inflatable." etc,etc.
Movie News : Dustbin Hoffman is excellent in Rain Man, but my award fcx the
best film so far this year goes to "Dirty
Rotten Scoundrels" with Michael Caine
and Steve (the man is a genius) Martin.
For 45 minutes its the best laugh I've had
in ages. The 2nd best laugh was provided
by "Planes trains and Automobiles" yet
again starring Steve Martin. I tell you if
reincarnation woiics then I want to come
back as Steve Martin... Unless of course
he's got a really small dick or something!
That reminds me, I woke up this moming
with a strange dream about whale's song
fresh on my mind. I was puzzled by this
until I realized that I was able to hear the
couple next d o ^ vocalising the delights
of the reproductive process. Put 1 and 1
together and you inevitably end iq) with
3 - unless of course you use a condom.
OK, that's all for now,
your American Correspondant.
14 Friday May sth 1989
Sport Facts
Uau Is Mere Again
This Saturday Surrey Cricket and Tennis
fennis teams entertain Read- times between luh and 2ish,, in the Union foyer. See posters fcn*
ing in the first of the 2 rГ©gional qualifying matches. Our teams
this year (В»xxnise to l i v i d e lots of entertairmient- whetho* or
Colours: Recipients will be confirmed in the next fortnight, and
not it's successful entertairunent is anotho* matter but what the
those successali can rejoice in the knowledge that they can purhell: if the weather's anything like Wednesday's come on down
chase slightly subsidised tickets, thanks to the vice<hancelkn'.
and grab a deckchair. ^ d yes, the bar is open all day.
Tro{rfiies: Could last year's winners return them please. I have
CONGRATULATIONS to our Ist team Cricket captain, Alan
received NO nominations for the Hari Sutherland or Sue Jupe
Hansford, who is currently playing for Combined Universities
Troi^ies which are awarded to the students contributing most to
in the Benson and Hedges CompГ©tition, and did so supo^bly last
the playing and organisation of male and female sports respecweek in their historic victory over Surrey. Next T h u r ^ y Comtively. Could I have any nominations within the next week
bined Urtivo^ities take on the might of Worcesto-^ure. If
please- if there are no suitable candidates thra they will not be
anycme's int^sted in seeing Alan bowl against die likes of Hick
awaided this year!
and Botham, thoe's a minibus going up fcM* the day. Congrats
too to Rob Marsden, skqjper in '87, who has been seleçted for
the Southern Universities team due to play Wales soon.
Wow! ONE entry this week- thanks Lucy. Let's try VoUeyball
one more time next week. If there's not enough entries then we'll
cali it a day fa* this year, and FU publish the resuits soon.
Tidcets: Sales start next Thursday- printer willing- available
Swing yerpants
from me if you can find me (M*, on M(xiday and Friday lunchKev
Sunday Sport
Sports Dinner
Radio Surrey Column
J ) u r i n g the Easter vacation there was a change in management
at Radio Surrey. Our thanks go to Richard WomersIey and
Tony I ^ k for
they have done over the past year. The new
mob shape up like this : Station Manager - Paul Hutton Programme ContrГґler - John Moreland Disco Manager Tom - Key
News and Features Ed. - Jermifer McAlister We are trying to increase the local and campus news content c^ our programming
^ ^ f y j ^ J E f e ^
but to do so we need a couple of peq)le who are willing to give
up about an hour a week to collect informationAiews and to wiite
it into a script
lOam-1 lam Fred Marden along with two guests reviews new
and yet to be released singles and albums. 1 lam-lpm The Radio
Surrey Chart with Fred Marden.
7pm-9pm Sabirday Night Dance Party with ' D e ^ House' Jon.
Tliat's all for now,
BOX OFFICE 0483-444555
G u i l a r o r a
with locai herces
FRI 26th MAY
only ВЈ5:00
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
fri 2nd JUNE
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