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A Beginners Guide to Criminality: How to be a

A Beginners Guide to Criminality: How to be a Successful
By PC Surname
Published by PC Surname at Smashwords
Copyright 2013 PC Surname
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook
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Disclaimer: This book is a spoof. It in no way endorses,
condones or encourages criminal behaviour. Crime and
those who perpetrate it are bad. The characters and
situations found within are fictitious. Any similarity to real
persons - living or otherwise, real life situations or
incidents is purely coincidental.
В© PC Surname 2013
All rights reserved. Under UK copyright law no part of this
publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,
or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the
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cover art: В© Artisticco Llc |
A Beginner’s Guide to
How to be a successful villain
By PC Surname
With help from Barney Rumbles (villain)
So you’re thinking of converting to a life of crime;
contemplating turning your back on society and
normality for an alternative vocation; giving serious
consideration to saying “t’hell with the laws of the
land!” and “I’m going out to take what’s not rightfully
Who can blame you! In these times of high
unemployment, low wages, austerity cuts, increased
cost of living and social decay (not to mention a
faltering judicial system) why wouldn’t you consider a
slightly unorthodox profession? After all, the latest
games consoles, interactive TV’s and new cars don’t
come cheap – not to mention booze and cigarettes!
Maybe you’ve tried the conventional Monday to Friday,
nine to five existence and decided that lifestyle just
isn’t for you. Perhaps you’ve never worked a day in
your life and criminality comes naturally to your clan
and as such a life of crime is your destiny – upholding
the proud family name.
Venturing down the criminal path is not a decision to
be taken lightly though; there are many factors you
must consider in advance if you want to make the most
of your villainous plans. This short guide will provide
all you need to know about crossing over to the dark
side and setting off on your journey of self-discovery
and debauchery as you pillage and plunder your way up
the criminal ladder from petty thief, to powerful crime
Along the way advice will be imparted by career
criminal Barney Rumbles – a true legend in his chosen
field, Barney has been arrested over 300 times for all
manner of offences, so is expertly placed to offer
guidance, tips and observations from his vast
experience within the enigmatic criminal lifestyle.
“Hi, I’m Barney. That’s me on the front
cover after a slight… setback. I’ve been thieving,
fighting and philandering all my life, ever since I
can remember. I don’t see nothing wrong with
what I do – some smucks go out and work sixty
hours a week in an office for a boss who doesn’t
even know their name, whilst I go out and help
myself. My dad was a villain; my granddad was a
villain; his dad was a villain, and his dad was
actually the Archbishop of York – but we don’t
talk about great-great grandpa Cornelius. I’m a
one man crime spree me, and I’m here to guide
you along in a life of crime – giving you some tips
of the trade I’ve picked up along the way.”
Character Traits
A career in lawlessness is not for everyone. If one is to
achieve success in this vocational path, one must first
be sure the relevant skills and attributes are present;
after all, just like a degree of natural, untapped talent
must exist in order to pursue a living as a professional
athlete for example, without the ingrained
characteristics and facets required to be a successful
villain the ambition you have might be doomed from
the outset. You must look hard into your inner-self and
pose yourself some of the following challenging
questions before venturing down the unholy path:
Am I ugly enough?
It has been theorised for centuries that criminality is a
hereditary, anthropological condition. If you just take
the time to look at the �most wanted’ faces on TV’s
Crimewatch you will notice they all share something in
common: they all fell head first out of the Ugly Tree,
bludgeoning their faces on every branch on the way
down. Maybe when you are undertaking multi-million
dollar casino heists there might be an exception and it
is okay to look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but
when first venturing out into the seedy world of crime
your face must resemble that of a gurning world
champion chewing on a wasps nest if you are to be
taken seriously by your peers. Some might argue that
this is attributable to a lifetime of poor diet, poor
personal hygiene, a lack of self-preservation and
almost certainly substance abuse – and they might be
right. But, just like inner-beauty that comes from
within, to proceed in crime and truly excel you must
be ugly and twisted on the inside as well…
Is my moral compass offset?
Following on from the last line in the above, to be
most successful, a prospective criminal must have the
required moral fibre – or rather lack of it – to put aside
emotion and focus solely on self-gain. The best villains
out there would quite literally steal from their own
mothers – and often do. There is no place for
sentiment, sympathy or selflessness. If you want to be
a super villain – a Lex Luther, The Joker, Darth Vader,
Lord Voldemort – then you must be prepared to do the
unthinkable, the despicable, with no regard for laws,
ethics or conscience. This is probably the greatest
challenge any wanna-be outlaw must overcome. Those
whose lineage encompasses heinous wrong-doings may
have a distinct genetic advantage, however if your
parents were law-abiding and hard-working, do not
fret: history is littered with examples of individuals
who rose above their righteous, philanthropic and
conscientious upbringings and went on to have
successful criminal careers.
“I love crime. I’ll nick anything me. If it’s
not nailed down – actually, sometimes even if it is
– I’ll have it away; it’s much better than paying
sometimes, the magistrate takes a dim view of it
and I end up doing porridge for a few weeks, but
I just see that as an �occupational hazard’. When
I’m back out I’ll be straight back at it again.”
Am I stupid enough?
Are you needing assistance reading this book? Do you
wish there were more pictures? Is the concept of basic
literacy and numeracy alien to you? Yes? Perfect! Let’s
be honest, if most criminals put as much time and
effort into an honest living, they wouldn’t need to
resort to crime in the first place. But what �crims’ lack
in intellect, they make up for in downright
If you are concerned your IQ may make you over
qualified for the criminal career path do not despair;
others before you have had great success drastically
reducing their intelligence - and thus allowing them to
engage successfully in criminality – by exposing
themselves to copious amounts of mind altering drugs
and substances.
Do you have an addictive personality?
What is your motivation for committing crime? What
goals are you trying to achieve? Personal satisfaction
that comes from �the buzz’? Infamy? Financial gain? For
most, it’s the latter. But what are you going to spend
your new ill-gotten gain on? Many of the most prolific –
although not necessarily successful – prefer to spend
their �wages’ on drugs, alcohol, gambling and any
other addictive substance – legal or otherwise – they
can lay their thieving hands on. To maintain the highintensity motivation required to live a lifetime of
criminality it is strongly recommended you develop
some type of addiction early on in your career. Start
with cigarettes by the age of eleven; move on to
cannabis and alcohol abuse in your early teens; before
progressing to hard drugs by the age of sixteen.
“The booze was always my demon. Still is in
fact. I wish I’d taken up a more wholesome hobby
now – like golf or fishing – instead of boozin’.
Still, it makes the time go quicker and at least I
ain’t shooting up with needles anymore; that’s a
mugs game if you ask me.”
Am I particularly fertile?
You might be asking yourself what fertility has to do
with criminality? Well, unofficial studies have shown
that the most prolific deviants - male or female - seem
capable of spawning offspring at an alarming rate. This
is no mean feat when you consider the frequency at
which they change domestic partners, as well as how
their home life is spasmodically punctuated with
sometimes lengthy stays at Her Majesty’s hotel.
After you have established a deplorable reputation for
yourself, thoughts may turn to the future and the
nefarious legacy you leave behind - after all, you
cannot go on thieving and fighting forever. By sowing
the seed regularly you will have a brood of
descendants to carry on your life’s work and provide
for you when this demanding lifestyle catches up with
Am I mentally ill?
I hope so. Being chemically imbalanced is an important
element of any successful criminal career. Depression,
self-harm, suicidal tendencies and personality
disorders are all desired talents if you are to make the
most of this unusual profession. Mental illness will not
only aid you in overcoming the issues or morality
surrounding criminality, but also may make you qualify
for government benefits to supplement your criminal
income, especially when first setting out along this
chosen life path (please note, criminal earnings are not
technically declarable and as such will not affect your
benefit claims). As before, illicit drugs may aid your
quest in achieving true mental instability.
Choosing the right crime for you
Whilst it is advisable to expose oneself to the full
variety of criminal activities early doors in a fledgling
career, it is recommended that in order to be
proficient, a criminal quickly discovers their preferred
and most successful criminal speciality. Only by
practicing, honing and developing their skills will a
good criminal become truly successful. Whilst the list
is not exhaustible, below is a list of the most common
crimes that might take your fancy:
Coined in good ol’ London town in the 16th century, the
phrase – now used globally - literally means to lift
unpaid for items from shops and leave without the
usual exchange of coinage for goods. Shoplifting is the
bread and butter of any aspiring criminal and the best
place to start out on a life of wickedness. Whilst
stealing to support your own needs and wants is fine
initially, to succeed a good thief will also appropriate
property with the intention of selling it on to the
highest bidder and therefore richly enhancing their
own existence.
Vehicle crime
Stealing whole cars is trickier than before. Cars have
high-tec security systems now and coded keys that can
be almost impossible to bypass. Most high specification
vehicles are stolen via their own keys during burglaries
(see below). However, in this age of micro-processors,
handheld gadgets and tablet computers, stealing the
contents of cars is still a very viable option and a
potentially profitable one. Despite expensive police
advertising campaigns to the contrary, unsuspecting
and naГЇve members of the public still leave bumper
stashes of booty unattended in their vehicles, just
crying out to be pilfered.
“My oldest lad, Jamie – he’s also a chip off
the ol’ block – says some kids have these new
fandango electronic contraptions for breaking into
and starting cars. I’m old school though – my
stamped somewhere on it. Sometimes I don’t even
have to break in – some morons don’t lock their
cars properly! In some ways I’m teaching them a
property. Ha!”
Breaking into buildings – especially residential
dwellings – is a potential ethical conundrum. However,
a proficient criminal will cast aside any feelings of
remorse and guilt associated with the distress and
trauma such crime causes to its victim. Homes contain
all-manner of valuable, sought after small electrical
items that are both portable (an important considered
factor when making off with the prize) and easier to
pass on to sources prepared to pay no-questions-asked
hard cash. However, because of the aforementioned
stress caused to said victim, should you be caught
climbing out of a ground floor window with a 42 inch
LED TV in your hands by the local constabulary, the
punishment bestowed by the courts may be severe.
“Little tip: just before Christmas is an
ideal time to go burgling; often the folks are away
and the goodies are easier to find under the
Fraud usually involves complex and often protracted
efforts to achieve success in. Due to the previously
mentioned mental deficiency of many crooks this
intricate form of villainy may be simply out of reach
for some. Fortunately, there are nearly as many
stupid, gullible and down-right foolish members of the
public out there, desperate to hand over their money
to a convincing cause. Old people make especially
vulnerable victims and are ideal for exploitation.
“I used to dabble in a bit of the dark art
meself. Just small time stuff like stolen credit
cards, mobile phone scams �nd that. But these
Eastern Europeans have come over here from
places like Uzbekistanovic, Romania and Poleland
(sic) and have taken it to a whole new level. Some
of the natives think it ain’t right and they’re
moving in on our turf, but I gotta give them
credit where it’s due – they’re hard working little
Drug crime
Dealing drugs might seem the easiest and more
profitable option open to an aspiring criminal. The
streets are full of drug-riddled junkies just desperate
to get their next fix and with ill-gotten cash on the hip
to pay for it. But not all drug dealers live the sports
car, fur coats, Champaign and VIP nightclub lifestyle –
many spend their evenings driving around alone and
dealing from their mum’s twelve year old Fiesta.
The phrase �it takes money to make money’ could
never be more apt than when referring to the narcotics
trade. Without large amounts of capital to purchase
discounted stock and a trusted network of runners and
dealers, making profit from the drugs game can be
Security should be another consideration; competition
in the drug dealing world is fierce and desperate
punters will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary
to get their trembling hands on the powders, pills and
potions they so crave, whilst rival dealers can be
ruthless to the extreme.
“If you must sell drugs, then for crying out
loud please don’t deal to kids… half the time they
haven’t got the money to pay and if you let them
have it on credit then you’re the mug.”
Violent crime
Whilst gratuitous violence itself is in no way a
profitable pastime, violence and criminality go hand in
hand just like high strength cider and tramps. If out on
the town in an inebriated state from intoxicant
induced over indulgences, why not engage in a little
fisticuffs with other members of the public to keep you
sharp and on your toes.
Using force to take the property of another is referred
to as �robbery’ and, if this is a chosen route,
precautions should be taken. If suitably menacing in
appearance, a physical presence may be enough to
abstract that which is desired from the would be
victim. Alternatively one may seek to enhance their
intimidating persona by introducing a weapon into the
fray; be warned though, such exuberant behaviour
does not carry favour with law enforcement and will
result in a much more serious punishment if
“In my younger days I might have used a
sawn off, knife, screwdriver or even a reliable
cosh. Nowadays though if the gavvers even catch
you out and about with anything like that you’re
likely to get banged up! It’s better to choose your
targets more carefully, and just pick on the
sissies or those so drunk they dunno what day it
Criminal damage
Of no financial gain; purely a recreational activity.
Know your foe
The natural predator of the criminal underclass is the
man (and women) in blue (or black actually). Whilst
recent governments have done their utmost to
dissipate and dilute the force of law and order in this
land, there are still officers lurking around some street
corners. Study your enemy; learn their strengths, their
weaknesses and strike when the opportune time
presents itself.
“I used to hate the police. They were
always harassing and arresting me just because I
used to forget to pay for stuff in a few shops.
But I know most of them by their first names now
though. I’ve had a few role-arounds with some of
them too, I can tell ya! Ha! One of the bastards
broke my nose once! Now, I realise they’re just
part of a big game we play. If I’m better at my
job than they are at theirs, I get away with it.
If they’re better than me… well, you know what
happens then.”
Law enforcers come in many forms. To ensure contact
and interaction with them is limited to an absolute
minimum, aspiring criminals should take time to learn
the finer intricacies of their demographic. We will now
explore some of the variety of officer you might
encounter on the streets of the UK.
Uniformed patrol
You’re regular, all-purpose bobby on the beat. More
common in the lesser-striped �constable variety’, but
you may also encounter a supervising �sergeant’ out
there – distinguishable by the three chevrons on the
shoulders – if you look hard enough. When not holed up
on station completing yet more mindless bureaucratic
paperwork, the patrol officer is easy to spot - usually
in an economical family hatchback with �police’
stickers down the side, rather than pounding the
cobbles on foot beat. These hard working boys and
girls are the enemy front line and to be avoided when
going about your business.
Traffic officers
Affectionately referred to as �Black Rats’ by their own
kind. Just like regular officers but faster, as they are
to be found in sportier estate or saloon cars. If you get
one of these on your tail when piloting a stolen Escort
XR3i you’re going to have to drive most exuberantly to
get away. Traffic cops- generally speaking – tend to
frequent two main locations: their natural hunting
grounds on the faster A roads and motorways; or, more
likely, at the BP service station sipping on
complimentary latte coffee.
Instantly recognisable by their cheap polyester suits,
bulging waistlines and with cigarettes in hand. The
sleuthing CID are the ones who you do battle with in
the interview rooms. Fighting crime with brains rather
than brawn, these hard thinking cops will try to
methodically take you down.
Firearms units
As the name would suggest, these guys and gals have
got guns! And Tasers and baton guns (single shot
weapon that fires a large rubber bullet). If they point
and shout instructions at you then it is highly
recommended you do as they say.
“When they only had truncheons you had a
chance – it was a fair fight. I got meself tasered
once; it was unbelievable! I had a few beverages
in my local public house, when this young hoodlum
bumps into me and spills my bitter. Well I was
furious – naturally – and pointed out the error of
recollection of the exact events are a little hazy –
because there were quite a few pints that didn’t
destination – but next thing I remember is some
burly copper’s pointing something that looks like
my kids Nerf dart gun at me, I’m doing the funky
chicken with 50,000 volts running through me,
before I black out and wake up with a crowd
around me and a table leg being pried from my
Dog section
Dogs have been used in European law enforcement
since the 14th century, but were not trialled in UK
police work until the 1920’s. After WW2 more forces
were experimenting with dogs but it wasn’t until 1954
that formal committees were put in place to supply
and train four legged officers nationally. Now police
dogs can be trained to locate anything from cash,
drugs, explosives, cadavers and of course hiding
villains. Even the most spritely of fugitive will not be
able to outrun an angry German Sheppard so it is not
recommended even trying.
Fluorescent, do-gooder civilians with very little actual
power. Unlike their warranted police counterparts,
PCSO’s do not carry cuffs or baton and are intended to
provide high visibility reassurance to the law abiding
public. Try to avoid interaction with them however, if
needs must, it is suggested to just run away from them
if challenged.
Hints and tips from the pros
Get your supply line sorted
Ultimately, a life in crime means stealing items from
others. It is of paramount importance that this �hot
property’ can be moved on quickly; you do not want all
your ill-gotten gain just lying around your mother’s
three bed semi when the police arrive with a search
warrant, do you. Whilst it is possible to sell directly to
customers, this is also convoluted, risky and distracts
from potential thieving time. Developing relationships
with reliable �handlers’ or �fences’ is of great
importance. If it’s cheap enough, there are
unscrupulous people out there that will take anything
off your hands.
“My mate Stumpy Steve will buy anything.
Yorkshire Terriers’. Basically anything you can lay
your hands on he’ll come up with the readies for.
He got his nickname after he tried to sell some
alloy wheels back to the same person they were
nicked off of. Turns out the BMW owner was none
too happy and took a Stanley knife to poor Steve.
He never told him who nicked the wheels though
so I was grateful and �ave got nothin’ but respect
for him for that.”
Beware the all-seeing eyes
The United Kingdom of Great Britain has more CCTV
cameras per head of population than any other country
in the world. The Police along with Crown prosecutors
rely heavily on CCTV footage for evidence. The onset
of digital technology has meant footage quality is
vastly improved and now recorded and stored in realtime. If venturing out into areas densely covered by
cameras, consider hiding your face, or why not wear a
disguise to alter your regular appearance?
Fingerprints, DNA and footwear
Forensic science is the nemesis of any hard-working,
go-getting, entrepreneurial villain. Upon their first
arrest – which usually comes quite early on in a
fledgling career – an unfortunate prisoner is powerless
to stop police taking fingerprint impressions and DNA
samples. After every subsequent arrest fingerprints
will again be taken as very rarely imprints can change.
It is not a viable defence to suggest someone else was
using your DNA at the time of the burglary in question.
Footwear impressions are also taken in police custody
to be matched at previous or future crime scenes.
When committing crime it is highly advisable to take
precautions to not leave forensic evidence at the
location; therefore offenders should wear gloves at all
times and refrain from leaving behind bodily fluids
and/or licking anything.
Get your story straight
If you are going to get caught – and you will – it is of
paramount importance to have your excuses prepared
in advance. If an officer of the law stops you down a
dark alley at 4am, have an alibi ready explaining your
presence there at such an usual hour: “Good morning
officer; I was just off to volunteer at the local
orphanage to help the poor little children. I like to
start early so I can have their breakfast all ready for
them when they wake. Oh, the look on their little
The police also have access to a national computer
with the details recorded of anyone who has ever been
an involuntary guest at one of their stations. Simply by
acquiring your name and date and place of birth an
officer can call upon your entire criminal past. Unless
of course you can efficiently and convincingly provide
details less than accurate…
“Julio Jiminez, born 29th February 1967 in
the great city of Sao Paulo, at your service,
Confined spaces and same sex company
As Barney can testify, even the best criminals slip up
from time to time. Getting caught and sent to prison is
all part of the steep learning curve zealous
transgressors of the law must negotiate. Whilst the
prospect of spending time behind bars might be
daunting, it has been argued by most frequent
frequenters that jail is a rite of passage ambitious
lawbreakers must endure and can in fact be of long
term benefit – both in terms of career development
the complete submersion with similar thinking
individuals brings, as well as providing long term
motivation not to get caught next time. One
consolation is that Britain has some of the softest,
nicest, all-inclusive and well-furnished prisons in all of
the world.
“Prison ain’t so bad. I’ve made a few mates
in there and learnt a few new skills too actually!
I’m on the darts and pool team at my local one –
we play the screws once a week but they cheat
too much for it to be taken too serious. Prison’s
better than sleeping on the streets and you get
three square meals a day. Just don’t drop the
soap, yeah? I tell you what is a pain in the arse
though: this poxy plastic bracelet I have to wear
around my ankle for the next three months! I
can’t go out between 7am and 7 at night neither;
don’t they realise that’s when I’m at my most
The idiom �Thick as thieves’ is actually very accurate
and relevant. Criminality is on the increase and new
modus operandi for dastardly deeds are forever being
discovered. To stay up to date and keep abreast with
the latest crime tactics it is always recommended to
find likeminded people and share a wealth of
knowledge, discuss vulnerable targets and latest police
counter-tactics. Forming small crime teams may also
be of benefit as more formidable and extravagant jobs
become accessible, with the spoils split equally.
But beware the company you keep
Following on from the above, by virtue criminals tend
to be deceptive, devious and dishonest people. There
is no honour amongst thieves. For this is reason you
should be wary of whom you place trust in. Some
villains – particularly those of the East End of London
disposition - will only trust �family’ as a result.
Conversely, if you are of the particularly ruthless
persuasion, other weaker villains might be seen as
viable targets – after all, if you liberate them of some
of their less than legitimate belongings it is not as if
they can call the law to assist them in retrieving said
items, right?
“My ex Shiela – that’s Chantel, my third
daughters’ mum – used to say she didn’t trust
anything with either an engine or a willy, because
both will let you down at the worst time. Now she
might have had a point.”
Still apprehensive with unanswered questions? Let
Barney Rumbles allay those fears:
Does it pay well?
“Well, if I was to tell you that during my
criminal career I've owned a Ford Capri Ghia, a
Volkswagen Golf GTi and TWO Subaru Impreza’s;
my house has four bedrooms and a 52" TV - no
remote control mind; we’ve got Xbox, Playstation
and Wii; I can have my central heating on all year
round and I just spent ВЈ380 on my latest tattoo!
I might sound a bit smug but I think that answers
your question - yeah?”
What happens if I get sent to court?
“That’s no problem, those Magistrates are
muppets! What I do is either deny absolutely
everything or, if I’m banged rights �cos of CCTV
or DNA or summin’, just tell them you’re very
sorry, you don’t know what came over you, you
only did it because of your drug habit but now
desperately want to change if only they’ll give you
one last chance. Nearly half the time they let you
off or give you an easy community sentence
instead of banging you up. Simple.”
What's the work/life balance like?
“It’s brilliant! I go out robbin’ when I feel
like it and, when I don’t, I just sit around the
house watching TV or spending time with the
nippers, waiting for my �wages’ - me benefits - to
What about career development opportunities?
“They’re endless. It’s a growth industry.
My mate - Barry the Bastard we call him started out as a petty thief and street rat; now
he does armed robberies at bookies and post
offices. When he gets out again in a couple of
years he reckons he’s got enough saved to retire
in Costa Del Sol."
Are there any other perks?
“Good God yes! When you get a bit of
notoriety and people start taking you seriously as
a villain, people bend over backwards to help you
and be nice. In my neighbourhood I can walk down
the street and people want to say �hello’ – then
they go and make sure their windows and doors
are properly locked. And it ain’t just the locals
that respect you - the probation service give me
what i want; the council gave me a new house with
thought it might �help me change my ways’. Pah!”
So that concludes this brief guide into criminality.
You’re now ready to go forth and plunder. If you heed
the advice in this publication you will soon be on your
way to criminal stardom and riches beyond your tiny
mind’s comprehension.
“Robbin’ ain’t for everyone, but good luck
out there. If you’re prepared to work hard and
can get your hands on what you want, take it, it’s
yours. Mind you, if you come round my gaff trying
to help yourself to my stuff you’ll get what’s
coming to ya! I’m in Crown Court tomorrow over a
couple of burglaries I did, so I won’t be around
for a while…”
Hi, I’m PC Surname, a serving police officer in the UK, as
well as aspiring writer. Firstly, thanks for reading this far; I
wrote this short publication as a bit or fun, so I hope you
enjoyed it. If you didn’t, you can stop reading and close the
book, throw it away or delete it. If you did like it, then I’ve
written a couple of proper books - much longer and better
than this, but along the same light-hearted and humorous
lines - that you might be interested in reading (click on
images to open links to Amazon pages):
I also write a blog you can read for free at
I’m also on Facebook
and Twitter @pc_surname if you’d like to know about future
releases. Thanks again and please, please don't commit any
PC Surname
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