A Beginners Guide to Criminality: How to be a Successful Villain By PC Surname Published by PC Surname at Smashwords Copyright 2013 PC Surname Smashwords Edition, License Notes This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. Disclaimer: This book is a spoof. It in no way endorses, condones or encourages criminal behaviour. Crime and those who perpetrate it are bad. The characters and situations found within are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons - living or otherwise, real life situations or incidents is purely coincidental. © PC Surname 2013 All rights reserved. Under UK copyright law no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written authorization of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. www.facebook.com/pcsurname www.pcsurname.blogspot.co.uk cover art: © Artisticco Llc | Dreamstime.com A Beginner’s Guide to Criminality: How to be a successful villain By PC Surname With help from Barney Rumbles (villain) Introduction So you’re thinking of converting to a life of crime; contemplating turning your back on society and normality for an alternative vocation; giving serious consideration to saying “t’hell with the laws of the land!” and “I’m going out to take what’s not rightfully mine!”? Who can blame you! In these times of high unemployment, low wages, austerity cuts, increased cost of living and social decay (not to mention a faltering judicial system) why wouldn’t you consider a slightly unorthodox profession? After all, the latest games consoles, interactive TV’s and new cars don’t come cheap – not to mention booze and cigarettes! Maybe you’ve tried the conventional Monday to Friday, nine to five existence and decided that lifestyle just isn’t for you. Perhaps you’ve never worked a day in your life and criminality comes naturally to your clan and as such a life of crime is your destiny – upholding the proud family name. Venturing down the criminal path is not a decision to be taken lightly though; there are many factors you must consider in advance if you want to make the most of your villainous plans. This short guide will provide all you need to know about crossing over to the dark side and setting off on your journey of self-discovery and debauchery as you pillage and plunder your way up the criminal ladder from petty thief, to powerful crime lord. Along the way advice will be imparted by career criminal Barney Rumbles – a true legend in his chosen field, Barney has been arrested over 300 times for all manner of offences, so is expertly placed to offer guidance, tips and observations from his vast experience within the enigmatic criminal lifestyle. “Hi, I’m Barney. That’s me on the front cover after a slight… setback. I’ve been thieving, fighting and philandering all my life, ever since I can remember. I don’t see nothing wrong with what I do – some smucks go out and work sixty hours a week in an office for a boss who doesn’t even know their name, whilst I go out and help myself. My dad was a villain; my granddad was a villain; his dad was a villain, and his dad was actually the Archbishop of York – but we don’t talk about great-great grandpa Cornelius. I’m a one man crime spree me, and I’m here to guide you along in a life of crime – giving you some tips of the trade I’ve picked up along the way.” Character Traits A career in lawlessness is not for everyone. If one is to achieve success in this vocational path, one must first be sure the relevant skills and attributes are present; after all, just like a degree of natural, untapped talent must exist in order to pursue a living as a professional athlete for example, without the ingrained characteristics and facets required to be a successful villain the ambition you have might be doomed from the outset. You must look hard into your inner-self and pose yourself some of the following challenging questions before venturing down the unholy path: Am I ugly enough? It has been theorised for centuries that criminality is a hereditary, anthropological condition. If you just take the time to look at the �most wanted’ faces on TV’s Crimewatch you will notice they all share something in common: they all fell head first out of the Ugly Tree, bludgeoning their faces on every branch on the way down. Maybe when you are undertaking multi-million dollar casino heists there might be an exception and it is okay to look like George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but when first venturing out into the seedy world of crime your face must resemble that of a gurning world champion chewing on a wasps nest if you are to be taken seriously by your peers. Some might argue that this is attributable to a lifetime of poor diet, poor personal hygiene, a lack of self-preservation and almost certainly substance abuse – and they might be right. But, just like inner-beauty that comes from within, to proceed in crime and truly excel you must be ugly and twisted on the inside as well… Is my moral compass offset? Following on from the last line in the above, to be most successful, a prospective criminal must have the required moral fibre – or rather lack of it – to put aside emotion and focus solely on self-gain. The best villains out there would quite literally steal from their own mothers – and often do. There is no place for sentiment, sympathy or selflessness. If you want to be a super villain – a Lex Luther, The Joker, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort – then you must be prepared to do the unthinkable, the despicable, with no regard for laws, ethics or conscience. This is probably the greatest challenge any wanna-be outlaw must overcome. Those whose lineage encompasses heinous wrong-doings may have a distinct genetic advantage, however if your parents were law-abiding and hard-working, do not fret: history is littered with examples of individuals who rose above their righteous, philanthropic and conscientious upbringings and went on to have successful criminal careers. “I love crime. I’ll nick anything me. If it’s not nailed down – actually, sometimes even if it is – I’ll have it away; it’s much better than paying for it. Sure, sometimes I get caught and, sometimes, the magistrate takes a dim view of it and I end up doing porridge for a few weeks, but I just see that as an �occupational hazard’. When I’m back out I’ll be straight back at it again.” Am I stupid enough? Are you needing assistance reading this book? Do you wish there were more pictures? Is the concept of basic literacy and numeracy alien to you? Yes? Perfect! Let’s be honest, if most criminals put as much time and effort into an honest living, they wouldn’t need to resort to crime in the first place. But what �crims’ lack in intellect, they make up for in downright skulduggery. If you are concerned your IQ may make you over qualified for the criminal career path do not despair; others before you have had great success drastically reducing their intelligence - and thus allowing them to engage successfully in criminality – by exposing themselves to copious amounts of mind altering drugs and substances. Do you have an addictive personality? What is your motivation for committing crime? What goals are you trying to achieve? Personal satisfaction that comes from �the buzz’? Infamy? Financial gain? For most, it’s the latter. But what are you going to spend your new ill-gotten gain on? Many of the most prolific – although not necessarily successful – prefer to spend their �wages’ on drugs, alcohol, gambling and any other addictive substance – legal or otherwise – they can lay their thieving hands on. To maintain the highintensity motivation required to live a lifetime of criminality it is strongly recommended you develop some type of addiction early on in your career. Start with cigarettes by the age of eleven; move on to cannabis and alcohol abuse in your early teens; before progressing to hard drugs by the age of sixteen. “The booze was always my demon. Still is in fact. I wish I’d taken up a more wholesome hobby now – like golf or fishing – instead of boozin’. Still, it makes the time go quicker and at least I ain’t shooting up with needles anymore; that’s a mugs game if you ask me.” Am I particularly fertile? You might be asking yourself what fertility has to do with criminality? Well, unofficial studies have shown that the most prolific deviants - male or female - seem capable of spawning offspring at an alarming rate. This is no mean feat when you consider the frequency at which they change domestic partners, as well as how their home life is spasmodically punctuated with sometimes lengthy stays at Her Majesty’s hotel. After you have established a deplorable reputation for yourself, thoughts may turn to the future and the nefarious legacy you leave behind - after all, you cannot go on thieving and fighting forever. By sowing the seed regularly you will have a brood of descendants to carry on your life’s work and provide for you when this demanding lifestyle catches up with you. Am I mentally ill? I hope so. Being chemically imbalanced is an important element of any successful criminal career. Depression, self-harm, suicidal tendencies and personality disorders are all desired talents if you are to make the most of this unusual profession. Mental illness will not only aid you in overcoming the issues or morality surrounding criminality, but also may make you qualify for government benefits to supplement your criminal income, especially when first setting out along this chosen life path (please note, criminal earnings are not technically declarable and as such will not affect your benefit claims). As before, illicit drugs may aid your quest in achieving true mental instability. Choosing the right crime for you Whilst it is advisable to expose oneself to the full variety of criminal activities early doors in a fledgling career, it is recommended that in order to be proficient, a criminal quickly discovers their preferred and most successful criminal speciality. Only by practicing, honing and developing their skills will a good criminal become truly successful. Whilst the list is not exhaustible, below is a list of the most common crimes that might take your fancy: Shoplifting Coined in good ol’ London town in the 16th century, the phrase – now used globally - literally means to lift unpaid for items from shops and leave without the usual exchange of coinage for goods. Shoplifting is the bread and butter of any aspiring criminal and the best place to start out on a life of wickedness. Whilst stealing to support your own needs and wants is fine initially, to succeed a good thief will also appropriate property with the intention of selling it on to the highest bidder and therefore richly enhancing their own existence. Vehicle crime Stealing whole cars is trickier than before. Cars have high-tec security systems now and coded keys that can be almost impossible to bypass. Most high specification vehicles are stolen via their own keys during burglaries (see below). However, in this age of micro-processors, handheld gadgets and tablet computers, stealing the contents of cars is still a very viable option and a potentially profitable one. Despite expensive police advertising campaigns to the contrary, unsuspecting and naïve members of the public still leave bumper stashes of booty unattended in their vehicles, just crying out to be pilfered. “My oldest lad, Jamie – he’s also a chip off the ol’ block – says some kids have these new fandango electronic contraptions for breaking into and starting cars. I’m old school though – my specialist tool usually has �London Brick Co.’ stamped somewhere on it. Sometimes I don’t even have to break in – some morons don’t lock their cars properly! In some ways I’m teaching them a valuable life lesson about protecting ones property. Ha!” Burglary Breaking into buildings – especially residential dwellings – is a potential ethical conundrum. However, a proficient criminal will cast aside any feelings of remorse and guilt associated with the distress and trauma such crime causes to its victim. Homes contain all-manner of valuable, sought after small electrical items that are both portable (an important considered factor when making off with the prize) and easier to pass on to sources prepared to pay no-questions-asked hard cash. However, because of the aforementioned stress caused to said victim, should you be caught climbing out of a ground floor window with a 42 inch LED TV in your hands by the local constabulary, the punishment bestowed by the courts may be severe. “Little tip: just before Christmas is an ideal time to go burgling; often the folks are away and the goodies are easier to find under the tree.” Fraud Fraud usually involves complex and often protracted efforts to achieve success in. Due to the previously mentioned mental deficiency of many crooks this intricate form of villainy may be simply out of reach for some. Fortunately, there are nearly as many stupid, gullible and down-right foolish members of the public out there, desperate to hand over their money to a convincing cause. Old people make especially vulnerable victims and are ideal for exploitation. “I used to dabble in a bit of the dark art meself. Just small time stuff like stolen credit cards, mobile phone scams �nd that. But these Eastern Europeans have come over here from places like Uzbekistanovic, Romania and Poleland (sic) and have taken it to a whole new level. Some of the natives think it ain’t right and they’re moving in on our turf, but I gotta give them credit where it’s due – they’re hard working little bastards!” Drug crime Dealing drugs might seem the easiest and more profitable option open to an aspiring criminal. The streets are full of drug-riddled junkies just desperate to get their next fix and with ill-gotten cash on the hip to pay for it. But not all drug dealers live the sports car, fur coats, Champaign and VIP nightclub lifestyle – many spend their evenings driving around alone and dealing from their mum’s twelve year old Fiesta. The phrase �it takes money to make money’ could never be more apt than when referring to the narcotics trade. Without large amounts of capital to purchase discounted stock and a trusted network of runners and dealers, making profit from the drugs game can be hard. Security should be another consideration; competition in the drug dealing world is fierce and desperate punters will not hesitate to do whatever is necessary to get their trembling hands on the powders, pills and potions they so crave, whilst rival dealers can be ruthless to the extreme. “If you must sell drugs, then for crying out loud please don’t deal to kids… half the time they haven’t got the money to pay and if you let them have it on credit then you’re the mug.” Violent crime Whilst gratuitous violence itself is in no way a profitable pastime, violence and criminality go hand in hand just like high strength cider and tramps. If out on the town in an inebriated state from intoxicant induced over indulgences, why not engage in a little fisticuffs with other members of the public to keep you sharp and on your toes. Using force to take the property of another is referred to as �robbery’ and, if this is a chosen route, precautions should be taken. If suitably menacing in appearance, a physical presence may be enough to abstract that which is desired from the would be victim. Alternatively one may seek to enhance their intimidating persona by introducing a weapon into the fray; be warned though, such exuberant behaviour does not carry favour with law enforcement and will result in a much more serious punishment if apprehended. “In my younger days I might have used a sawn off, knife, screwdriver or even a reliable cosh. Nowadays though if the gavvers even catch you out and about with anything like that you’re likely to get banged up! It’s better to choose your targets more carefully, and just pick on the sissies or those so drunk they dunno what day it is.” Criminal damage Of no financial gain; purely a recreational activity. Know your foe The natural predator of the criminal underclass is the man (and women) in blue (or black actually). Whilst recent governments have done their utmost to dissipate and dilute the force of law and order in this land, there are still officers lurking around some street corners. Study your enemy; learn their strengths, their weaknesses and strike when the opportune time presents itself. “I used to hate the police. They were always harassing and arresting me just because I used to forget to pay for stuff in a few shops. But I know most of them by their first names now though. I’ve had a few role-arounds with some of them too, I can tell ya! Ha! One of the bastards broke my nose once! Now, I realise they’re just part of a big game we play. If I’m better at my job than they are at theirs, I get away with it. If they’re better than me… well, you know what happens then.” Law enforcers come in many forms. To ensure contact and interaction with them is limited to an absolute minimum, aspiring criminals should take time to learn the finer intricacies of their demographic. We will now explore some of the variety of officer you might encounter on the streets of the UK. Uniformed patrol You’re regular, all-purpose bobby on the beat. More common in the lesser-striped �constable variety’, but you may also encounter a supervising �sergeant’ out there – distinguishable by the three chevrons on the shoulders – if you look hard enough. When not holed up on station completing yet more mindless bureaucratic paperwork, the patrol officer is easy to spot - usually in an economical family hatchback with �police’ stickers down the side, rather than pounding the cobbles on foot beat. These hard working boys and girls are the enemy front line and to be avoided when going about your business. Traffic officers Affectionately referred to as �Black Rats’ by their own kind. Just like regular officers but faster, as they are to be found in sportier estate or saloon cars. If you get one of these on your tail when piloting a stolen Escort XR3i you’re going to have to drive most exuberantly to get away. Traffic cops- generally speaking – tend to frequent two main locations: their natural hunting grounds on the faster A roads and motorways; or, more likely, at the BP service station sipping on complimentary latte coffee. CID Instantly recognisable by their cheap polyester suits, bulging waistlines and with cigarettes in hand. The sleuthing CID are the ones who you do battle with in the interview rooms. Fighting crime with brains rather than brawn, these hard thinking cops will try to methodically take you down. Firearms units As the name would suggest, these guys and gals have got guns! And Tasers and baton guns (single shot weapon that fires a large rubber bullet). If they point and shout instructions at you then it is highly recommended you do as they say. “When they only had truncheons you had a chance – it was a fair fight. I got meself tasered once; it was unbelievable! I had a few beverages in my local public house, when this young hoodlum bumps into me and spills my bitter. Well I was furious – naturally – and pointed out the error of his ways in no uncertain terms! Now, my recollection of the exact events are a little hazy – because there were quite a few pints that didn’t get spilled and made it to their intended destination – but next thing I remember is some burly copper’s pointing something that looks like my kids Nerf dart gun at me, I’m doing the funky chicken with 50,000 volts running through me, before I black out and wake up with a crowd around me and a table leg being pried from my right hand! Sobered me up pretty sharpish though.” Dog section Dogs have been used in European law enforcement since the 14th century, but were not trialled in UK police work until the 1920’s. After WW2 more forces were experimenting with dogs but it wasn’t until 1954 that formal committees were put in place to supply and train four legged officers nationally. Now police dogs can be trained to locate anything from cash, drugs, explosives, cadavers and of course hiding villains. Even the most spritely of fugitive will not be able to outrun an angry German Sheppard so it is not recommended even trying. PCSO Fluorescent, do-gooder civilians with very little actual power. Unlike their warranted police counterparts, PCSO’s do not carry cuffs or baton and are intended to provide high visibility reassurance to the law abiding public. Try to avoid interaction with them however, if needs must, it is suggested to just run away from them if challenged. Hints and tips from the pros Get your supply line sorted Ultimately, a life in crime means stealing items from others. It is of paramount importance that this �hot property’ can be moved on quickly; you do not want all your ill-gotten gain just lying around your mother’s three bed semi when the police arrive with a search warrant, do you. Whilst it is possible to sell directly to customers, this is also convoluted, risky and distracts from potential thieving time. Developing relationships with reliable �handlers’ or �fences’ is of great importance. If it’s cheap enough, there are unscrupulous people out there that will take anything off your hands. “My mate Stumpy Steve will buy anything. Games consoles, TVs, laptops, drugs, even Yorkshire Terriers’. Basically anything you can lay your hands on he’ll come up with the readies for. He got his nickname after he tried to sell some alloy wheels back to the same person they were nicked off of. Turns out the BMW owner was none too happy and took a Stanley knife to poor Steve. He never told him who nicked the wheels though so I was grateful and �ave got nothin’ but respect for him for that.” Beware the all-seeing eyes The United Kingdom of Great Britain has more CCTV cameras per head of population than any other country in the world. The Police along with Crown prosecutors rely heavily on CCTV footage for evidence. The onset of digital technology has meant footage quality is vastly improved and now recorded and stored in realtime. If venturing out into areas densely covered by cameras, consider hiding your face, or why not wear a disguise to alter your regular appearance? Fingerprints, DNA and footwear Forensic science is the nemesis of any hard-working, go-getting, entrepreneurial villain. Upon their first arrest – which usually comes quite early on in a fledgling career – an unfortunate prisoner is powerless to stop police taking fingerprint impressions and DNA samples. After every subsequent arrest fingerprints will again be taken as very rarely imprints can change. It is not a viable defence to suggest someone else was using your DNA at the time of the burglary in question. Footwear impressions are also taken in police custody to be matched at previous or future crime scenes. When committing crime it is highly advisable to take precautions to not leave forensic evidence at the location; therefore offenders should wear gloves at all times and refrain from leaving behind bodily fluids and/or licking anything. Get your story straight If you are going to get caught – and you will – it is of paramount importance to have your excuses prepared in advance. If an officer of the law stops you down a dark alley at 4am, have an alibi ready explaining your presence there at such an usual hour: “Good morning officer; I was just off to volunteer at the local orphanage to help the poor little children. I like to start early so I can have their breakfast all ready for them when they wake. Oh, the look on their little faces!” The police also have access to a national computer with the details recorded of anyone who has ever been an involuntary guest at one of their stations. Simply by acquiring your name and date and place of birth an officer can call upon your entire criminal past. Unless of course you can efficiently and convincingly provide details less than accurate… “Julio Jiminez, born 29th February 1967 in the great city of Sao Paulo, at your service, officer!” Confined spaces and same sex company As Barney can testify, even the best criminals slip up from time to time. Getting caught and sent to prison is all part of the steep learning curve zealous transgressors of the law must negotiate. Whilst the prospect of spending time behind bars might be daunting, it has been argued by most frequent frequenters that jail is a rite of passage ambitious lawbreakers must endure and can in fact be of long term benefit – both in terms of career development the complete submersion with similar thinking individuals brings, as well as providing long term motivation not to get caught next time. One consolation is that Britain has some of the softest, nicest, all-inclusive and well-furnished prisons in all of the world. “Prison ain’t so bad. I’ve made a few mates in there and learnt a few new skills too actually! I’m on the darts and pool team at my local one – we play the screws once a week but they cheat too much for it to be taken too serious. Prison’s better than sleeping on the streets and you get three square meals a day. Just don’t drop the soap, yeah? I tell you what is a pain in the arse though: this poxy plastic bracelet I have to wear around my ankle for the next three months! I can’t go out between 7am and 7 at night neither; don’t they realise that’s when I’m at my most productive!” Networking The idiom �Thick as thieves’ is actually very accurate and relevant. Criminality is on the increase and new modus operandi for dastardly deeds are forever being discovered. To stay up to date and keep abreast with the latest crime tactics it is always recommended to find likeminded people and share a wealth of knowledge, discuss vulnerable targets and latest police counter-tactics. Forming small crime teams may also be of benefit as more formidable and extravagant jobs become accessible, with the spoils split equally. But beware the company you keep Following on from the above, by virtue criminals tend to be deceptive, devious and dishonest people. There is no honour amongst thieves. For this is reason you should be wary of whom you place trust in. Some villains – particularly those of the East End of London disposition - will only trust �family’ as a result. Conversely, if you are of the particularly ruthless persuasion, other weaker villains might be seen as viable targets – after all, if you liberate them of some of their less than legitimate belongings it is not as if they can call the law to assist them in retrieving said items, right? “My ex Shiela – that’s Chantel, my third daughters’ mum – used to say she didn’t trust anything with either an engine or a willy, because both will let you down at the worst time. Now she might have had a point.” FAQ Still apprehensive with unanswered questions? Let Barney Rumbles allay those fears: Does it pay well? “Well, if I was to tell you that during my criminal career I've owned a Ford Capri Ghia, a Volkswagen Golf GTi and TWO Subaru Impreza’s; my house has four bedrooms and a 52" TV - no remote control mind; we’ve got Xbox, Playstation and Wii; I can have my central heating on all year round and I just spent £380 on my latest tattoo! I might sound a bit smug but I think that answers your question - yeah?” What happens if I get sent to court? “That’s no problem, those Magistrates are muppets! What I do is either deny absolutely everything or, if I’m banged rights �cos of CCTV or DNA or summin’, just tell them you’re very sorry, you don’t know what came over you, you only did it because of your drug habit but now you’ve seen the error of your ways and desperately want to change if only they’ll give you one last chance. Nearly half the time they let you off or give you an easy community sentence instead of banging you up. Simple.” What's the work/life balance like? “It’s brilliant! I go out robbin’ when I feel like it and, when I don’t, I just sit around the house watching TV or spending time with the nippers, waiting for my �wages’ - me benefits - to land! What about career development opportunities? “They’re endless. It’s a growth industry. My mate - Barry the Bastard we call him started out as a petty thief and street rat; now he does armed robberies at bookies and post offices. When he gets out again in a couple of years he reckons he’s got enough saved to retire in Costa Del Sol." Are there any other perks? “Good God yes! When you get a bit of notoriety and people start taking you seriously as a villain, people bend over backwards to help you and be nice. In my neighbourhood I can walk down the street and people want to say �hello’ – then they go and make sure their windows and doors are properly locked. And it ain’t just the locals that respect you - the probation service give me what i want; the council gave me a new house with an ensuite bathroom last year because they thought it might �help me change my ways’. Pah!” Conclusion So that concludes this brief guide into criminality. You’re now ready to go forth and plunder. If you heed the advice in this publication you will soon be on your way to criminal stardom and riches beyond your tiny mind’s comprehension. “Robbin’ ain’t for everyone, but good luck out there. If you’re prepared to work hard and can get your hands on what you want, take it, it’s yours. Mind you, if you come round my gaff trying to help yourself to my stuff you’ll get what’s coming to ya! I’m in Crown Court tomorrow over a couple of burglaries I did, so I won’t be around for a while…” Hi, I’m PC Surname, a serving police officer in the UK, as well as aspiring writer. Firstly, thanks for reading this far; I wrote this short publication as a bit or fun, so I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn’t, you can stop reading and close the book, throw it away or delete it. If you did like it, then I’ve written a couple of proper books - much longer and better than this, but along the same light-hearted and humorous lines - that you might be interested in reading (click on images to open links to Amazon pages): I also write a blog you can read for free at www.pcsurname.blogspot.com I’m also on Facebook www.facebook.com/pcsurname.com and Twitter @pc_surname if you’d like to know about future releases. Thanks again and please, please don't commit any crimes... PC Surname
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