Porridge Junior Script by Craig Hawes 4/180214/3 ISBN: 978 1 84237 133 6 Published by Musicline Publications P.O. Box 15632 Tamworth Staffordshire B77 5BY 01827 281 431 www.musiclinedirect.com No part of this publication may be transmitted, stored in a retrieval system, or reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, manuscript, typesetting, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owners. It is an infringement of the copyright to give any public performance or reading of this show either in its entirety or in the form of excerpts, whether the audience is charged an admission or not, without the prior consent of the copyright owners. Dramatic musical works do not fall under the licence of the Performing Rights Society. Permission to perform this show from the publisher �MUSICLINE PUBLICATIONS’ is always required. An application form, for permission to perform, is supplied at the back of the script for this purpose. To perform this show without permission is strictly prohibited. It is a direct contravention of copyright legislation and deprives the writers of their livelihood. Anyone intending to perform this show should, in their own interests, make application to the publisher for consent, prior to starting rehearsals. All Rights Strictly Reserved. Porridge – Script 1 CONTENTS Cast List ............................................................................................................................... 3  Speaking Roles By Number Of Lines ................................................................................ 4  Cast List In Alphabetical Order (With Line Count) ........................................................... 6  Characters In Each Scene .................................................................................................. 8  List Of Properties ................................................................................................................ 9  Production Notes ............................................................................................................... 11  Boys In Blue Choreography Notes .................................................................................. 13  Prologue Track 1:  Track 2:  Track 3:  Track 4:  Track 5:  Track 6:  Track 7:  Scene One:  Track 8:  Track 9:  Track 10:  Track 11:  Track 12:  Track 13:  Track 14:  Track 15:  Track 16:  Scene Two:  Track 17:  Track 18:  Track 19:  Track 20:  Track 21:  Track 22:  Scene Three:  Track 23:  Track 24:  Track 25:  Scene Four:  ............................................................................................................ 15  Overture .............................................................................................. 15  Spratt Underscore #1 .......................................................................... 15  Once Upon A Crime (Song) ................................................................ 15  Crime Play Off ..................................................................................... 17  Spratt Underscore #2 .......................................................................... 17  SFX Horn ............................................................................................ 19  Flashback Music ................................................................................. 20  The Dairy ............................................................................................. 21  Marigold Play On ................................................................................. 22  SFX Milk #1 ......................................................................................... 23  SFX Milk #2 ......................................................................................... 23  SFX Milk #3 ......................................................................................... 23  Marigold Play Off ................................................................................. 24  Police Play On #1 ................................................................................ 25  SFX Whistle #1 ................................................................................... 25  SFX Cheese Chuck ............................................................................. 25  SFX Pig Snort ..................................................................................... 26  The Porridge Pot Diner ....................................................................... 28  News Music ......................................................................................... 28  Bear Fanfare ....................................................................................... 29  The Porridge Pot (Song) ..................................................................... 29  Newsflash ............................................................................................ 32  SFX Ting ............................................................................................. 32  The Porridge Pot (Song Reprise) ........................................................ 33  The Back Room .................................................................................. 34  The Back Room .................................................................................. 34  Goatfather Trumpet ............................................................................. 34  Police Music ........................................................................................ 37  The Police Station ............................................................................... 38  © Musicline Publications Ltd. 2 Porridge – Script Track 26:  SFX Telephone ................................................................................... 39  Track 27:  Hospital Music & Beeps ...................................................................... 39  Track 28:  SFX Long Beep ................................................................................... 40  Track 29:  SFX Weasel Beeps ............................................................................. 40  Track 30:  Hospital Play Off ................................................................................. 41  Track 31:  Identity Parade Play On ...................................................................... 42  Track 32:  Identity Parade Play Off ...................................................................... 42  Track 33:  SFX Shaking Head #1......................................................................... 42  Track 34:  SFX Shaking Head #2......................................................................... 42  Track 35:  SFX Shaking Head #3......................................................................... 43  Track 36:  SFX Whistle #2 ................................................................................... 44  Track 37:  Boys In Blue (Song) ............................................................................ 45  Scene Five:  The Mulberry Bush .............................................................................. 49  Track 38:  The Mulberry Bush .............................................................................. 49  Track 39:  Spratt Underscore #3 .......................................................................... 49  Track 40:  SFX Head Bang .................................................................................. 50  Track 41:  Lumberjack Play On ............................................................................ 51  Track 42:  SFX Tree Sawing ................................................................................ 52  Track 43:  Lumberjack Play Off ............................................................................ 52  Track 44:  It’s Up To You (Song) .......................................................................... 53  Track 45:  Up To You Play Off ............................................................................. 54  Scene Six:  Night Time ........................................................................................... 55  Track 46:  While The World Is Sleeping (Song) ................................................... 56  Track 47:  Porridge Pot Raid ................................................................................ 57  Scene Seven:  The Porridge Pot Diner ....................................................................... 58  Track 48:  Case Music #1 .................................................................................... 58  Track 49:  Case Music #2 .................................................................................... 59  Track 50:  SFX Chair Break ................................................................................. 59  Track 51:  Case Music #3 .................................................................................... 60  Track 52:  Case Music #4 .................................................................................... 60  Track 53:  Case Music #5 .................................................................................... 61  Track 54:  SFX Sauce & Snoring ......................................................................... 61  Track 55:  Police Play On #2 ................................................................................ 62  Track 56:  SFX Whistle #3 ................................................................................... 62  Track 57:  Happy Ever After (Song) ..................................................................... 65  Track 58:  Bows & Company Play Out ................................................................. 65  Photocopiable Lyrics ........................................................................................................ 67  © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 3 CAST LIST In the following list, the bracketed number shows the number of spoken lines each role has. An asterisk (*) before the character’s name indicates that this character also has solo or featured sung lines. The Dairy Gang * Goldie Lox * Simple Simon Mother Hubbard Marigold The Cow (48) (32) (48) (0) The Bear Family Papa Bear Mama Bear * Junior Bear (61) (24) (37) The Billy Goat Brothers Big Bill Middle Bill Little Bill (27) (22) (36) The Boys In Blue Chief Inspector Drain PC Doughnut PC Fuzzbut PC Flatfoot PC Plod (51) (19) (17) (15) (29) The Reporters Rusty Hairclips Dwayne Pipe Pip The Paperboy (16) (22) (6) The Surgeons Doctor Foster Nurse Polly (12) (14) The Happy Valley Folk Jack Spratt Tom-Tom Bo Peep Miss Muffet Peter Piper Wee Willie Winky Humpty Dumpty The Waitresses Roxy Ruby Ruthie Renee Rosie Rita Rhonda Robyn The Lumberjacks Woody Twiggy Splinter Chopper Barker Timber Plank Chip (64) (13) (11) (6) (13) (4) (8) (2) (2) (2) (2) (2) (2) (2) (2) (14) (2) (2) (2) (1) (1) (1) (1) N.B In addition to the above characters a Wicked Witch and Wolf will be required to act as framed pictures in Jack Spratt’s �Rogue Gallery’. © Musicline Publications Ltd. 4 Porridge – Script SPEAKING ROLES BY NUMBER OF LINES In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has. An asterisk (*) before the character’s name indicates that this character ALSO has solo or featured sung lines. Jack Spratt ........................................................................................................................... 64 Papa Bear............................................................................................................................ 61 Chief Inspector Drain ........................................................................................................... 51 * Goldie Lox ......................................................................................................................... 48 Mother Hubbard................................................................................................................... 48 * Junior Bear ........................................................................................................................ 37 Little Bill ............................................................................................................................... 36 * Simple Simon .................................................................................................................... 32 PC Plod ............................................................................................................................... 29 Big Bill .................................................................................................................................. 27 Mama Bear .......................................................................................................................... 24 Middle Bill ............................................................................................................................ 22 Dwayne Pipe ....................................................................................................................... 22 PC Doughnut ....................................................................................................................... 19 PC Fuzzbut .......................................................................................................................... 17 Rusty Hairclips ..................................................................................................................... 16 PC Flatfoot ........................................................................................................................... 15 Nurse Polly .......................................................................................................................... 14 Woody ................................................................................................................................. 14 Tom-Tom ............................................................................................................................. 13 Peter Piper ........................................................................................................................... 13 Doctor Foster ....................................................................................................................... 12 Bo Peep ............................................................................................................................... 11 Humpty Dumpty ..................................................................................................................... 8 Pip The Paperboy .................................................................................................................. 6 Miss Muffet ............................................................................................................................ 6 Wee Willie Winky ................................................................................................................... 4 Roxy ...................................................................................................................................... 2 Ruby ...................................................................................................................................... 2 Ruthie .................................................................................................................................... 2 Renee .................................................................................................................................... 2 Rosie ..................................................................................................................................... 2 Rita ........................................................................................................................................ 2 © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 5 Rhonda .................................................................................................................................. 2 Robyn .................................................................................................................................... 2 Twiggy ................................................................................................................................... 2 Splinter .................................................................................................................................. 2 Chopper ................................................................................................................................. 2 Barker .................................................................................................................................... 1 Timber ................................................................................................................................... 1 Plank ...................................................................................................................................... 1 Chip ....................................................................................................................................... 1 © Musicline Publications Ltd. 6 Porridge – Script CAST LIST IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER (WITH LINE COUNT) In the following list, the number shows how many spoken lines each role has. An asterisk (*) before the character’s name indicates that this character ALSO has solo or featured sung lines. Barker .................................................................................................................................... 1 Big Bill .................................................................................................................................. 27 Bo Peep ............................................................................................................................... 11 Chief Inspector Drain ........................................................................................................... 51 Chip ....................................................................................................................................... 1 Chopper ................................................................................................................................. 2 Doctor Foster ....................................................................................................................... 12 Dwayne Pipe ....................................................................................................................... 22 * Goldie Lox ......................................................................................................................... 48 Humpty Dumpty ..................................................................................................................... 8 Jack Spratt ........................................................................................................................... 64 * Junior Bear ........................................................................................................................ 37 Little Bill ............................................................................................................................... 36 Mama Bear .......................................................................................................................... 24 Middle Bill ............................................................................................................................ 22 Miss Muffet ............................................................................................................................ 6 Mother Hubbard................................................................................................................... 48 Nurse Polly .......................................................................................................................... 14 Papa Bear............................................................................................................................ 61 PC Doughnut ....................................................................................................................... 19 PC Flatfoot ........................................................................................................................... 15 PC Fuzzbut .......................................................................................................................... 17 PC Plod ............................................................................................................................... 29 Peter Piper ........................................................................................................................... 13 Pip The Paperboy .................................................................................................................. 6 Plank ...................................................................................................................................... 1 Renee .................................................................................................................................... 2 Rhonda .................................................................................................................................. 2 Rita ........................................................................................................................................ 2 Robyn .................................................................................................................................... 2 Rosie ..................................................................................................................................... 2 Roxy ...................................................................................................................................... 2 Ruby ...................................................................................................................................... 2 © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 7 Rusty Hairclips ..................................................................................................................... 16 Ruthie .................................................................................................................................... 2 * Simple Simon .................................................................................................................... 32 Splinter .................................................................................................................................. 2 Timber ................................................................................................................................... 1 Tom-Tom ............................................................................................................................. 13 Twiggy ................................................................................................................................... 2 Wee Willie Winky ................................................................................................................... 4 Woody ................................................................................................................................. 14 Non Speaking Roles: Marigold The Cow, Wicked Witch and BB Wolf. © Musicline Publications Ltd. 8 Porridge – Script CHARACTERS IN EACH SCENE Prologue Scene Two Scene Four Scene Six Chief Inspector Drain Big Bill Big Bill Goldie Lox Chorus (for song) Bo Peep Bo Peep Jack Spratt Dwayne Pipe Chorus (for song) Chief Inspector Drain Junior Bear Goldie Lox Dwayne Pipe Chorus (for song) Mama Bear Jack Spratt Goldie Lox Doctor Foster PC Doughnut Humpty Dumpty Humpty Dumpty Scene Seven PC Flatfoot Junior Bear Nurse Polly Big Bill PC Fuzzbut Little Bill PC Doughnut Chief Inspector Drain PC Plod Mama Bear PC Flatfoot Chorus (for song) Rusty Hairclips Middle Bill PC Fuzzbut Dwayne Pipe Miss Muffet PC Plod Goldie Lox Scene One Papa Bear Peter Piper Jack Spratt Bo Peep Peter Piper Pip The Paperboy Junior Bear Chief Inspector Drain Rusty Hairclips The Lumberjacks Little Bill Goldie Lox The Waitresses Humpty Dumpty Wee Willy Winky Marigold The Cow Mama Bear Scene Five Marigold The Cow Big Bill Middle Bill Miss Muffet Scene Three Chorus (for song) Mother Hubbard Mother Hubbard Big Bill Goldie Lox Papa Bear PC Doughnut Jack Spratt Jack Spratt PC Doughnut PC Flatfoot Little Bill Junior Bear PC Flatfoot PC Fuzzbut Mama Bear Little Bill PC Fuzzbut PC Plod Middle Bill Marigold The Cow PC Plod Peter Piper Papa Bear Middle Bill Pip The Paperboy Simple Simon Mother Hubbard Rusty Hairclips Tom-Tom Papa Bear Simple Simon Wee Willy Winky Simple Simon The Lumberjacks The Lumberjacks The Waitresses © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 9 LIST OF PROPERTIES Prologue Newspaper ............................................................................................................ Jack Spratt Megaphone............................................................................................ Chief Inspector Drain 2 hand microphones ......................................................................................Rusty & Dwayne Small office desk .................................................................................................. Scene Prop Old office chair ...................................................................................................... Scene Prop Glass of milkshake ............................................................................................... Scene Prop 4 hollow picture frames......................................................Peter, Tom-Tom, Witch & BB Wolf Telephone .............................................................................................................. Jack Spratt The “clothes” suitcase ............................................................................................ Goldie Lox Giant hotdog ..................................................................................... Within “clothes” suitcase Miniature pair of trousers .................................................................. Within “clothes” suitcase Air horn ............................................................................................. Within “clothes” suitcase Large knickers with handprints on rear............................................. Within “clothes” suitcase Large fish .......................................................................................... Within “clothes” suitcase Scene One Large milk bottle (gold top) ........................................................................................ Marigold Miniature milk bottle (condensed milk) ...................................................................... Marigold Bowl of curds & whey ................................................................................................ Marigold Pig puppet ................................................................................................................Tom-Tom 2 packs of butter ................................................................................................ Simple Simon Wedge of cheese............................................................................................... Simple Simon Large box/crate..................................................................................................... Scene Prop Sheet .................................................................................................................... Scene Prop 4 whistles ......................................................................................................... The Policemen 2 lollipops............................................................................................... Chief Inspector Drain Scene Two 2 hand microphones (as before)....................................................................Rusty & Dwayne 2 buckets of milk ..................................................................................................... Goldie Lox Scene Three The “cash” suitcase ................................................................................................ Papa Bear The “recipe” suitcase .............................................................................................. Papa Bear Catapult ...................................................................................................................... Little Bill List of crimes .......................................................................................................... Papa Bear © Musicline Publications Ltd. 10 Porridge – Script Scene Four Rolled up newspaper ....................................................................................Pip the Paperboy Telephone ...........................................................................................................PC Doughnut The “nut” suitcase ....................................................................................................... PC Plod Operating table ..................................................................................................... Scene Prop Green hospital sheet ............................................................................................ Scene Prop Scalpel ................................................................................................................... Nurse Polly Egg whisk .............................................................................................................. Nurse Polly Sticky tape ............................................................................................................. Nurse Polly Mirror ..................................................................................................................... Nurse Polly Identity parade numbers ...................................................................... Lumberjacks & Big Bill Handcuffs .............................................................................................................. Peter Piper Homework paper ........................................................................................................ PC Plod 4 whistles (as before) ...................................................................................... The Policemen Scene Five Blank business card ...................................................................................Woody Woodhead Small twig ............................................................................................... Smallest Lumberjack Ransom note .......................................................................................................... Goldie Lox Scene Six The “clothes” suitcase (as before) .......................................................................... Goldie Lox Scene Seven Table & tablecloth ................................................................................................. Scene Prop 3 chairs/stools (optional)....................................................................................... Scene Prop 3 porridge bowls & spoons ................................................................................... Scene Prop The “recipe” suitcase (as before)........................................................................... Junior Bear The “cash” suitcase (as before) ............................................................................... Middle Bill The “nut” suitcase (as before) .................................................................................... PC Plod Large tomato ketchup bottle ................................................................................. Scene Prop The “clothes” suitcase (as before) .......................................................................... Goldie Lox 4 whistles (as before) ...................................................................................... The Policemen Rolled up newspaper (as before) .................................................................Pip the Paperboy 2 hand microphones (as before)....................................................................Rusty & Dwayne © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 11 PRODUCTION NOTES Welcome to Porridge! I am sure you will enjoy rehearsing and performing this musical comedy, but to aid you in your production it may be helpful to consider the following production notes. CASTING The script is written for 42 speaking characters and 2 non-speaking parts (Marigold the cow, front and back!) These range from principal parts to smaller supporting roles. For productions with fewer cast members, condensing and doubling of characters is possible. This can be done in numerous ways, but the following example reduces the cast number to 26 speaking parts: Reduce the Waitresses to just Roxy and Ruby (reallocating lines). Double up Roxy and Ruby with Doctor Foster and Nurse Polly. Reduce the Lumberjacks to just Woody, Twiggy and Splinter (reallocating lines) Double up Woody, Twiggy and Splinter with Tom-Tom, Miss Muffet and Wee Willie Winky. Enlist two adults to play the non-speaking role of Marigold the cow. To expand the cast, unlimited chorus parts may be used as additional Waitresses, lumberjacks and Happy Valley folk, possibly redistributing some lines. An off-stage choir can also be used for backing on songs. The role of Marigold the cow is a two-person part, front and back, and is best played by taller cast members or willing adults to achieve a realistic size. The role of Jack Spratt works best with an American accent to emulate the classic film-noir detective. Casting the Billy Goats requires consideration of relative heights for Big, Middle and Small. Mother Hubbard works with a female actor, but can take on a fun pantomime dame quality when played by an adventurous male actor. If working with a wider age range, the Lumberjacks are ideal roles for younger, smaller cast members. COSTUMES There are lots of different styles in this show which are quite easy to achieve, from the “gangster” look of Papa Bear and the Billy Goats through to the traditional Nursery Rhyme characters. It is useful to colour code costumes, including red elements within the “baddies” costumes and yellow elements within the “goodies” costumes. For the “gangster” look, draw inspiration from Bugsy Malone - trilby hats, black suits & red ties. Jack Spratt needs to seem the typical film-noir detective with jacket and trilby, but could have a yellow tie to connect him to the “goodies”. Marigold is a traditional pantomime cow requiring two actors in furry trousers beneath a furry cover and cow headpiece. It is essential that the back end performer has hands free to “drop” their dairy produce in the milking scene. This is a costume that is often borrowed or hired, but is also great fun to make! Although the Bears and Goats should not be dressed as animals, subtle hints can be added such as black noses for the Bear family and goatee beards for the Billy Goats. The © Musicline Publications Ltd. 12 Porridge – Script Lumberjacks can be costumed in blue jeans/dungarees, checked shirts and yellow builder hats, whereas the waitresses’ “American diner” look can be created with red t-shirts & skirts topped with a white apron. The Policemen can be easily costumed using matching blue shirts and ties, topped off with a traditional police helmet (ones with blue flashing lights on top, if available, are a great way to add humour). The Nursery Rhyme characters should be fun and colourful, yet traditional such as Bo Peep’s bonnet and crook or Wee Willie Winky’s night cap & gown. With the help of a cushion/fat-suit and a bald head courtesy of a skull cap, Humpty can easily achieve that “eggy” look! He works particularly well in Austrian dress - long socks and lederhosen style shorts with braces. Above all, the characters’ costumes should have a colourful storybook quality. STAGING This production can be staged effectively with very simple scenery. A forest backcloth of trees would work for most of the show whilst interior scenes in The Porridge Pot can be achieved with painted flats in front of the backcloth. Other scenes can be quite abstract, achieved through the simple addition of small props - for example, Jack Spratt’s office is simply shown by an old fashioned desk and chair. Props play an important part in this production, and most important of these are the four near-identical old fashioned suitcases that appear throughout the show and create havoc in the final scene. To avoid the confusion that these props are meant to cause on stage being repeated offstage, each suitcase should be subtly labelled at the top with their contents - clothes, cash, recipe and nuts. This way, cast and crew are able to distinguish between them quickly and easily. CHOREOGRAPHY Choreography of individual musical numbers is left to the creativity of your own director/choreographer. This way, moves can be designed that more accurately match the ability of the individual cast. However, the song “Boys In Blue” requires specific actions, which are detailed in the Choreography Notes on the following page. MUSIC All the music required to stage this production, including sound effects, is found on the Backing Track CD. A vocal recording is provided as a guide and to enable the swift learning of songs. The backing tracks without vocals are ideal to use in rehearsals and performances. Directors may, if they wish, allow a choir or separate character to accompany or replace a soloist in a song or section intended for a soloist. This is sometimes necessary if certain cast members are unable to perform the solo themselves fully or if a larger chorus or choir is required to be employed more fully throughout the show. AND FINALLY... This is a fun show to rehearse and perform, so remember to enjoy yourselves and your audience will, too! My best wishes for a successful and enjoyable production. Craig Hawes © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 13 BOYS IN BLUE CHOREOGRAPHY NOTES The song “Boys In Blue” is a fun multi-part “action” number based upon the traditional pantomime routine “If I Were Not Upon The Stage”. The climax is the middle section, where the four Policemen move close together and perform their actions simultaneously, each action designed to link together to achieve a comic effect - for example, ducking just in time to miss a swooping hand. The following guidance is offered to help you achieve this comic effect, but of course you are free to adapt these ideas as you see fit. The default position for all groups is facing straight forward as if to attention, with hands holding lapels and the obligatory cheesy grin positioned firmly on the face. Each of four separate chorus groups can be positioned behind each of the four policemen and copy their actions if desired. The Policemen are numbered 1 to 4 below from Stage Right to Stage Left (from the actors’ perspective). They perform these actions separately at first, then move closer together to perform them the second time, each one joining in with the previous Policeman until all four are performing their actions together. POLICEMAN 1 FINGERPRINT! Holding an imaginary magnifying glass in their right hand in front of their face, they twist and lean to look at the Policeman on their left. FINGERPRINT! They twist round to lean and look through the magnifying glass straight to their right. FOOTPRINT ON THE FLOOR! They bend over to their right to look through the magnifying glass on the ground. Their bottom sticks out invitingly to the Policeman on their left. POLICEMAN 2 STOP THE TRAFFIC! They stop the traffic with a straight left arm and flat palm at shoulder height, first straight to their left. STOP THE TRAFFIC! They do the same, but straight to their right with their right arm and hand. LET THE TRAFFIC THROUGH! They sweep a flat left palm across in front of themselves, accidentally smacking the protruding bottom of Policeman 1, who reacts comically. © Musicline Publications Ltd. 14 Porridge – Script POLICEMAN 3 EVENING ALL! They stand with their feet turned out, holding lapels. They bend their knees and lift their elbows, staying low to miss the left hand of Policeman 2. EVENING ALL! They straighten up and lower elbows, still holding their lapels. STANDING TO… They raise a straight left arm to the left side at shoulder level. ATTENTION! They bend their left arm to salute. POLICEMAN 4 OI, YOU! They look and point to the right with a straight right arm over the head of Policeman 3 who is bending down. COME BACK HERE! They swing their straight right arm to point to the front. NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY! They bend down low and wag their pointing finger as if reprimanding a small child – low enough to miss the saluting left hand of Policeman 3. © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 15 PROLOGUE TRACK 1: OVERTURE (As the House Lights dim, the Overture music begins. At the end of the Overture, Jack Spratt appears in a spotlight front of stage, wearing a hat and raincoat and reading a newspaper with the headline “Crime Wave Continues”. He looks up and addresses the audience in the cool, dramatic manner of a Film Noir detective. He speaks over the Underscore.) TRACK 2: JACK: TRACK 3: SPRATT UNDERSCORE #1 The name’s Spratt. Jack Spratt, Private Detective. Investigator, Gumshoe, Private Eye. But whatever you call me, I’m the best in town. And this town sure needs the best. They used to call this place paradise, but not anymore. There’s crime on every corner and the streets aren’t safe. So welcome to my story. It’s going to be a thriller, and it starts - as all good stories should - “Once upon a crime!” ONCE UPON A CRIME (SONG) (There is a lighting change as the music begins. We see flashing police lights and hear sirens. The Police enter and point across the stage as the Chief shouts, possibly through a megaphone.) CHIEF: Stop, thief! Police! Come back here! He’s getting away! After him, boys! (The Police run across the stage and exit. The Reporters enter and stand in spotlights either side of the stage, holding hand microphones and speaking directly to the audience. Rusty is the newsroom anchor-man whilst Dwayne is the roving reporter.) RUSTY: Folks, we’re getting reports of more crime on the streets. We’re going straight to our roving reporter, Dwayne Pipe! What’s the story out there, Dwayne? (The company enter as a crowd of anxious and panicking onlookers, pointing around and reacting. Dwayne holds a finger on his “earpiece”, shouting over the noise as if in a war zone.) DWAYNE: It’s all kicking off out here, Rusty. Crowds are gathering as Police are in hot pursuit of yet another criminal. One thing’s for sure, Rusty - this forest is no longer safe! © Musicline Publications Ltd. 16 Porridge – Script (Rusty and Dwayne exit as the crowd take their positions to begin their dramatic song and dance.) ALL: TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU ROLL THE LOADED DICE, IN A FOREST OF VILLAINY AND VICE. WATCH THEM BREAK OUT OF JAIL, PUT A TWIST IN THE TALE OF EVERY RHYME. THE STORY OF OUR TIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! IT’S A TALE OF SCANDAL AND GRIME, EVERY TIME, OH ONCE UPON A CRIME! TAKE A STEP IN A WORLD OF DARKEST DREAD, YOU’LL BE TREADING WHERE ANGELS FEAR TO TREAD. SOMEONE COMES TO SOME HARM, THEN YOU HEAR THE ALARM BEGIN TO CHIME! THE STORY OF OUR TIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! IT’S A TALE OF SCANDAL AND GRIME, EVERY TIME, OH ONCE UPON A CRIME! (The Police enter and wave their arms in front of the crowd as if holding them away from a crime scene. The crowd point towards the audience and strain to see what is happening. Rusty and Dwayne stand at each side as before, ready to report. The Chief addresses the crowd, possibly through his megaphone again.) CHIEF: RUSTY: DWAYNE: CHIEF: DWAYNE: CHIEF: DWAYNE: CHIEF: This is the Police! Keep back and stay calm, folks! There is nothing to worry about! Nobody panic! We have everything under control! Dwayne, can you give us an update? What’s the latest out there? (Approaching the Chief) I’m with the Chief right now, Rusty! What’s going on, Chief? (He holds his microphone out to the Chief) (Irate) No comment! Is it another unexplained crime, Chief? (More irate) No comment! Have you lost control of the forest, Chief? (Shouting, possibly through his megaphone) No comment! (The crowd bursts through the Police line to resume their song and dance. The Police and reporters exit.) © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script ALL: 17 TAKE A CHANCE AS YOU ROLL THE LOADED DICE, IN A FOREST OF VILLAINY AND VICE. WATCH THEM BREAK OUT OF JAIL, PUT A TWIST IN THE TALE OF EVERY RHYME. THE STORY OF OUR TIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! IT’S A TALE OF SCANDAL AND GRIME, EVERY TIME, OH ONCE UPON A CRIME! THE STORY OF OUR TIME! ONCE UPON A CRIME! TRACK 4: CRIME PLAY OFF (During the Play Off, the company exit and the scene transforms into Jack’s office, with a small desk and chair. Peter Piper and Tom-Tom are stood frozen upstage holding hollow picture frames in front of their faces. Stood next to them, also with frames, are two other cast members in masks/hats depicting a Wicked Witch and a Big Bad Wolf. Jack is sat asleep with his hat over his face and feet up on the desk, arms folded. As the lights come up, he tips his hat back and addresses the audience over the Underscore.) TRACK 5: SPRATT UNDERSCORE #2 JACK: It was another lonely night in the office. As the rain washed down the windows, I washed down another milkshake and gazed at the Rogues’ Gallery hanging on my wall. (He moves to view each picture frame in turn) Wicked Witch! Thanks to me, she was doing a spell in prison! BB Wolf! With my help, he was caged up for good! But these two - they were different. Peter Piper, accused of nicking pickled peppers. And Tom-Tom the piper’s son, caught with a stolen pig. Something just didn’t add up. TOM-T & PETER: We were framed! JACK: That’s what they all say, kids! (Jack walks to his desk as the framed characters exit, shuffling sideways in a comical manner.) © Musicline Publications Ltd. 18 JACK: Porridge – Script I often wondered what the local cops would do without my help. Truth was they’d be lost without me. But a recent case was playing on my mind - I was sure we’d missed something, so I called the Chief to go through the case one more time. (Jack picks up the phone and talks to the Chief, moving away from the desk and facing away from the office door.) JACK: Chief, it’s Jack Spratt. Have you got those case files in front of you? Yes, I’ll wait. (There is a knock at the door and Jack calls out.). JACK: Come in, I’ll be with you in a minute! (Goldie enters carrying a scruffy suitcase, unseen by Jack who is facing the other way still on the phone.) JACK: Now listen, I’m not happy about that case - I want it reopened. (Goldie looks down at the suitcase in her hand.) JACK: That’s right, reopen the case right now. I want to look into it. (Goldie lifts the case, looks at it, shrugs then puts it on the desk and opens it.) JACK: Let’s go through it slowly, starting at the top. What have we got? (Goldie pulls out a giant hotdog.) JACK: Well, I find that hard to swallow! What else? (Goldie pulls out a tiny pair of trousers.) JACK: Ah ha! I knew something didn’t fit! Keep going. (Goldie pulls out an air horn.) JACK: Can you put your finger on it? © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script TRACK 6: 19 SFX HORN (Goldie presses it and we hear a long, loud horn - there is a pause of silence.) JACK: No, I don’t like the sound of that at all! What briefs are involved? (Goldie holds up a large pair of white knickers.) JACK: Marcus & Spencer? Expensive briefs. Trying to cover up something big! (Goldie looks insulted and peers backwards to look at her rear.) JACK: That pair seem whiter than white, but behind it all they’re the dirtiest briefs around! (Goldie turns the knickers round to show a pair of dirty hand prints.) JACK: That pair should be taken down. Then we’d expose everything. (Goldie looks shocked and throws the knickers on the desk in disgust.) JACK: There’s still something fishy at the bottom of this case. (She throws the last of the clothes out and holds up a big fish.) JACK: Holy Mackerel! That’s it! Good work, Chief! (Jack puts the phone down and turns to see Goldie. He is shocked at the state of his office.) GOLDIE: JACK: GOLDIE: Can I put it all back now? (She repacks her case) Goldie Lox? (He turns to address the audience) This young dame certainly knew how to make an entrance! To be frank, I was a little shocked and surprised to see her. (Moving to stand next to Jack) You seem a little shocked and surprised to see me. (Goldie stands looking worried, looking round the room nervously. Jack turns to the audience.) © Musicline Publications Ltd. 20 JACK: GOLDIE: JACK: GOLDIE: JACK: GOLDIE: Porridge – Script (To audience) She was perceptive. I wasn’t expecting any visitors at this time of night, certainly not a young dame like Goldie. It was past her bedtime, but from the look of her she wasn’t ready for sleep. She seemed worried and desperate. (Desperately) I’m worried and desperate, Mr. Spratt. (To Goldie) Calm down, Miss Lox. Tell me, what brings you to my office at this time of night? Couldn’t you sleep? How can anyone sleep at the moment? Everything’s going wrong, no one’s safe and… and I need your help! (She grabs Jack’s lapels) You’re my only hope! (Turning his head to the audience) I had half a mind to tell her to run along home. But something about this dame had me curious. Perhaps she knew something important. I had to find out. (Turning her head towards the audience) Excuse me, Mr. Spratt, but… who are you talking to? (Jack pushes Goldie away and dusts himself down.) JACK: GOLDIE: JACK: GOLDIE: (To Goldie) I’m not talking to anyone, Miss Lox. (Turning to the audience) This dame didn’t miss a trick. (Excitedly, pointing at Jack) There! You did it again! (Looking curiously towards the audience) You keep talking to that wall! (To Goldie) Don’t change the subject, Miss Lox. Now, why don’t you tell me all about it? So, what’s the story? (Mysteriously, with a hand gesture as if setting the scene) Well, I suppose it all began yesterday morning... at the dairy! (Fade to black.) TRACK 7: FLASHBACK MUSIC © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script SCENE ONE: 21 THE DAIRY (There are a few wooden farm buildings and farm items. Mother Hubbard is pacing up and down looking worried and calling out for her cow.) MA HUBBARD: Marigold! Marigold! Oh dear, where on earth did I leave her? Marigold! Marigold! (Goldie enters.) GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: GOLDIE: Good morning, Mother Hubbard! Good morning? What’s good about it, Goldie? Marigold’s gone missing again. I’m sure I left her here, but she must have wandered off. Silly old cow. (Shocked and cross) I beg your pardon?! Not you, Marigold! Are you sure you left her here? You know how forgetful you are. I know dear. That’s what gets me into so much trouble. Just like my precious recipe book. Oh, Goldie! If I hadn’t lost that recipe book all those years ago, we could be running our own restaurant... and rolling in dough! Not that recipe book story again! Mother Hubbard, are you sure you ever had one? Of course I had it! Do I look nutty to you? (Looking closely into Goldie’s face, appearing very “nutty” indeed.) Well…. I could have sworn I’d left it in the cupboard, but when I got there the cupboard was bare. (Getting upset) And now we’re poor... and running a dairy with just one cow... and now, I’ve lost her, too! (She sobs.) Don’t worry, we’ll find her. (Simon enters, yawning and stretching.) GOLDIE: SIMON: GOLDIE: SIMON: MA HUBBARD: SIMON: GOLDIE: Look, Simple Simon’s here - he’ll help. Morning Mother Hubbard, morning Goldie. Help with what? Mother Hubbard’s lost Marigold - she’s wandered off again! Silly old cow. (Shocked and cross) I beg your pardon?! Not you, Marigold! I know! I’ll make the sound of a cow to call her home.(He wraps his arms around himself and shivers) Brrrrrrr! (Confused) What sort of cow was that? © Musicline Publications Ltd. 22 SIMON: Porridge – Script A Friesian! (He and Goldie laugh, but Mother Hubbard isn’t impressed.) MA HUBBARD: SIMON: MA HUBBARD: TRACK 8: (Cross) Oh, don’t encourage him, Goldie. You know he spent yesterday morning staring at a carton of orange juice. It’s not my fault. It said “concentrate” on the label. How can you stand there making silly jokes when my dearest cow is missing? Gone forever! Never to be seen again! (She sobs loudly.) MARIGOLD PLAY ON (Bo Peep enters with Marigold, followed by Miss Muffet, Peter Piper, Wee Willie Winky, and Humpty Dumpty. Marigold is positioned carefully centre stage diagonally or sideways to the audience, ready for milking.) GOLDIE&SIMON: BO PEEP: GOLDIE: BO PEEP: HUMPTY: PETER: WILLIE: MISS MUFFET: WILLIE: MISS MUFFET: SIMON: ALL: MA HUBBARD: ALL: MA HUBBARD: Marigold! Anyone lost a cow? Bo Peep! You found her! Well, Humpty did, actually. I was just sat on the wall by the Mulberry Bush, when she just appeared. She must have fancied a wander in the woods. She didn’t want to come back - it took all of us to guide her! (Throwing her hands in the air and screaming in terror) Spider! No, Miss Muffet, not spider. “Guide her”. (Calmly) Oh, sorry. Marigold! You’ve made Mother Hubbard very worried. Silly old cow! (Shocked and cross) I beg your pardon?! Not you, Marigold! Marigold! You naughty girl, I’m very cross with you for running away again. (Marigold turns her head sadly.) MA HUBBARD: SIMON: And don’t give me those cow eyes. Leave her alone! How could anyone be cross with you, you gorgeous old heifer? You’ve got the cutest nose, the biggest eyes, the most squeezable udders… © Musicline Publications Ltd. Porridge – Script 23 (Simon gives Marigold a hug.) GOLDIE: MA HUBBARD: SIMON: MA HUBBARD: BO PEEP: MA HUBBARD: SIMON: TRACK 9: Simon! Stop flirting and get squirting! And don’t forget to whisper the word “milk” into her ear. Why? �Cause everything you tell her goes in one ear and out the udder! (Moving across to Bo Peep) Now, Bo Peep, what can I get you? Some fresh milk for my sheep, please, Mother Hubbard. (Shouting to Simon) Some fresh milk for Little Bo Peep! (Shouting to Goldie) Some fresh milk for Little Bo Peep! SFX MILK #1 (Goldie starts to wind Marigold’s tail like a handle. We hear sound effects as Marigold shakes, then bends her knees and a bottle of milk drops from under her.) SIMON: MA HUBBARD: WILLIE: MA HUBBARD: SIMON: TRACK 10: (Holding it up) A pint of gold top! (Taking it from him and waving it backwards and forwards in front of Bo Peep’s face) And look - it’s “pasteurised”! There you are, dear. Who’s next? A little milk for me, please, Mother Hubbard! (Shouting to Simon) A little milk for Wee Willie Winky! (Shouting to Goldie) A little milk for Wee Willie Winky! SFX MILK #2 (Goldie starts to wind Marigold’s tail again. We hear more sound effects as Marigold shakes, then bends her knees and a tiny bottle of milk drops from under her.) SIMON: MA HUBBARD: MISS MUFFET: MA HUBBARD: SIMON: TRACK 11: (Holding it up) What’s this? Condensed milk! (Taking it and handing it to Willie) There you are, dear! (To Miss Muffet) What about you, Miss Muffet? Some curds & whey for me, please, Mother Hubbard! (Shouting to Simon) Some curds and whey for Little Miss Muffet! (Shouting to Goldie) Some curds and whey for Little Miss Muffet! SFX MILK #3 (Goldie starts to wind Marigold’s tail again. We hear more sound effects as Marigold shakes, then bends her knees and a bowl of curds and whey drops from under her.) © Musicline Publications Ltd.
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