When Conflict Gets Mushy: The Mush Separator
By Genna Cortese
Emotional Intelligence (EI)
• “The subset of social intelligence that involves
the ability to monitor one’s own and others’
feelings and emotions, to discriminate among
them and to use this information to guide
one’s thinking and actions” (Salovey and
Mayer, 1990).
Why does EI Matter?
• Leadership
– Good leaders can read situations and respond
based on the individual or group situation
• Relationships
– Working with others requires a certain level of
tact that asks that one evaluate the needs of all
involved to achieve mutual goals
The Four Branches
• Perceiving: understanding nonverbal signals such as
body language and facial expressions
• Reasoning: help prioritize what we pay attention and
react to
• Understanding: understand the emotion that
someone is expressing and understand why they are
expressing it
• Managing: regulating and responding appropriately
The Mush Separator
Wants
Observations
Stories
Feelings
Adapted from Hartley McGrath
Verbalize!
• I noticed______________ (facts)
• Which made me feel________________
(Feelings: mad, sad, afraid, glad)
• Which made me think_______ (your story)
• What I want is_________ (your request)
When to use
• “It’s complicated”
• When you are having some big emotions
• When you want clarity about what happened
and how it could have gone better
• When you are ready to hear the other
person’s story, feelings, and wants
When NOT to use
• When simple and direct feedback would do the
job
– “Next you time you do X, could you remember to fill
out the form first?”
• When you are seeking to blame or suppress
another person
– Not yet willing to acknowledge personal responsibility
• When you are feeling hostile or belittling
• When you want to express a demand
– “You will not touch me without my consent.”
Time to practice!
• Find a partner
– Share a situation you would like to MUSH out
-OR– Share some thoughts you have about what types
of situations you might encounter as a student
leader where you can utilize this tool to improve
communication
Being Mindful
• Ask yourself: Am I trying to prove this person wrong?
– You did this wrong vs. how can we get a better outcome?
• Do I feel a lack of respect or acceptance toward them?
– This is a problem vs. you are a problem
• Am I questioning our common goals?
– You don’t care that this is done right or well vs. we both
want to put the project first
• Do I need to separate some MUSH with myself before I
communicate with them?
– It’s all their fault vs. what part do I play in this system?
Questions?
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