Guidelines for Discussing Death with a Preschooler
*Reassure the child that he or she can talk about the loved one’s death with you. Adults often make the
mistake of assuming that a child will bring the death up if the child is having a difficult time. This is not
necessarily true. The child may not know how to bring it up, or the child may think that it’s not okay to talk
about the death.
*Children this age often need an explanation about what it means for a life to end.
Example:
“When someone dies, their body stops working. They don’t breathe anymore, eat anymore, or move
anymore. Their heart doesn’t beat anymore. Dying is forever, and their body won’t work ever again.”
*Be patient, keep it simple, and be prepared to answer the same question many times.
*Use clear words to help the child understand the finality of death.
Confusing words
Clear words
“went to sleep”
“died” “dead”
“went away”
“passed away”
*Use the beliefs of the child and his/her family to help the child understand death.
Christian example:
“Michael’s body died, but his soul is with God now in Heaven.”
“Joyce is an angel now, and she’s watching over us from Heaven.”
Nonreligious example:
“Everyone is born and everyone dies. Plants die. Animals die. People die. Even
stars die.”
“Michael died, but we will never, ever forget him. His memory will live on inside
of us.”
“Your heart is stretching and making room for all of the memories of Joyce that
it’s going to carry now.”
*Help the child to hold onto the good memories of the person who died.
Examples:
Draw a picture of special memories of the person who died.
Put together a photo album of the deceased person with loved ones for the child. Encourage the child
to laugh and reminisce about happy times.
Give the child a memento (e.g., watch) that belonged to the person.
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*Allow the child to be sad and provide warmth and gentle support.
Children need to grieve as well. If they cry, they need gentle comfort. They also need to know that it is okay
to cry when feeling sad.
* Provide the nurturing and reassurance that you might give to a younger child temporarily. Allow the
child to sleep close to you if he or she would like. Hold the child more, and so on.
*Rituals can help children say goodbye to the loved one and to move forward.
Examples:
Attending the funeral, memorial service, or visiting the gravesite
Releasing balloons; candlelight service
Planting a tree in the loved one’s honor
Saying a special prayer to remember the loved one
Naming a star in the sky after the loved one.
Special activities (picnic) on days of remembrance (loved one’s birthday)
*Do not force a child to go to a funeral if the child seems very fearful or is strongly resistant to
attending. In making the decision about whether the child should attend, consider also whether the child will
be exposed to extremely upset adults, as this may be frightening to the child.
*Allow the child to express feelings about the death through their art, play, or conversations.
This is often a child’s way of making sense of upsetting events. They may ask the same question over and
over again about the loved one’s death. They may draw pictures of the person dying, or they may even act
out the person dying in their play.
*Reassure the child of his/her own safety and the fact that most people live long lives.
Make sure that you provide realistic reassurance. In other words, don’t make false promises that nothing bad
will ever happen to the child, because children will see through this.
Example: “We do lots of things to make sure that you are safe and that you will live a long life. We
hold hands when we cross the street. We take you to the doctor if you are sick. We lock our house at
night to keep it safe. We only let you play where it is safe...”
*Give the child an active way of coping and “making a difference” in the person’s honor.
Example:
If another child was hit by a car, the grieving child could make a sign about traffic safety (“Slow
down. Children at play.”) and post it by a playground or school.
The child could pick flowers or draw a picture, and place them at a memorial.
If a person died in a shooting, the child could make a sign (“No guns allowed. Guns are dangerous”)
and post it.
*Seek professional help if the child harms himself or others (or threatens to do so) following the death
of a loved one. Seek professional help if the child continues to have these grief symptoms more than
four weeks after the death of the loved one.
-Death themes in the child’s art, play, behavior, or conversation (e.g., child keeps acting out the
shooting of a relative).
-Withdrawal from others, refusal to participate in normal activities
-Poor concentration
-Nightmares
-Regressing back to behaviors of younger child (resists sleeping alone, toileting accidents)
-Extreme difficulty separating from caregivers
-Significant change in sleep or appetite (refusal to eat, unable to go to sleep)
-Avoiding all reminders of the loved one or of his/her death (e.g., refusing to say the person’s name)
-Significant behavior changes (e.g., tantrums, aggression, crying outbursts, irritability)