Cognitive processes in grief
Thoughts, feelings and behaviours in relation to loss
In all that we do, our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are inextricably linked. This
means that what we are feeling impacts our thoughts and behaviour, what we are
thinking impacts our feelings and behaviour and how we behave impact our thoughts
and feelings.
When there is an activating factor that happens in our lives (such as a bereavement),
how we process this in our thoughts will determine how we feel and behave.
Sometimes, our thinking can be negative, unfounded or distorted, which influences
our feelings and behaviour, and prevent us from moving on positively.
Negative thoughts such as “It’s all my fault she died,” or “Mummy left me because
she doesn’t love me anymore” are a common occurrence in bereaved children and
young people, and if left unchallenged can be hugely damaging. When we are
supporting a bereaved child or young person, it is important to be aware of this
negative thinking and challenge it. We can challenge it by questioning the validity of
the thought, and encouraging the child or young person to consider the evidence
they have to back up the thought. Finally, we can remodel the thought so it is
positive.
Identifying negative thoughts in bereaved children and young people
All or Nothing Thinking is also known as black or white thinking – something either is
or it isn’t – there is no grey area taken into consideration. Give example
Overgeneralising is a form of exaggeration – if something happens to you more than
once then you decide that it is down to you. If a child or young person has
experienced bereavement or living loss more than once, they may think “everyone
leaves me” or “I am unloveable.”
Discounting the Positive is even when you are aware of your positive qualities you
don’t see them as worthy or valid. A young person may acknowledge that they have
been a great support to a younger sibling through a bereavement, but then state that
they didn’t have a choice.
Crystal Ball Gazing is predicting the future through your thoughts. A bereaved child
may think to themselves that they are never going to feel better and things are
always going to be like this.
Mind Reading is assuming you know what other people are saying about you and
assuming it’s negative. A bereaved young person may think “everyone thinks I
should be moving on and feeling better by now.”
Personalisation is taking responsibility for something and blaming yourself, even if
this isn’t appropriate. A bereaved child may think “mummy wouldn’t have died if I
hadn’t been so naughty.”
Catastrophising is always expecting the worst possible outcome.
(Adapted from www.ntu.ac.uk)
Example of how to challenge thoughts
Mary is hosting a dinner party tonight for her husband, his manager and his
manager’s husband, and it could lead to a promotion for Mary’s husband . She has
been in the kitchen all day cooking a sumptuous three course feast.
Unfortunately, Mary mis-times the baking of the treacle tart, and it burns to the point
of being inedible. Everyone is due in 45 minutes, so there is no time to make another
tart.
Here is how Mary processes this situation (activating factor):
Thoughts
“Dinner is ruined, the whole
thing will be a disaster now. I
can’t believe I was so stupid,
my husband is going to be
cross with me. I’ve ruined his
chances of promotion
anyway, so I might as well
call the whole dinner off.”
Feelings
-
Annoyed
Upset
Inadequate
Anxious
Failure
Sad
Behaviours
-
Call the dinner off
Cry
Put all the food in the bin
Have dinner but tell
everyone how you ruined
desert
Can you identify the types of thoughts that Mary is having?
If we look at Mary’s thoughts, we might challenge her by saying that dinner isn’t
ruined – she just needs to rethink desert. Through challenging the negative thought,
we may see this reaction:
Thoughts
“I am glad I have two
successful courses - that will
stop the whole thing being a
disaster. I must have mistimed the baking process –
my husband will laugh when I
tell him about this.”
Feelings
-
Relieved
Proud
Pleased
Calm
Behaviours
-
Make a fruit salad
Run to the shop for a frozen
desert
Reach for the ice cream tub
Challenging negative thoughts
1. What information is there? What are the facts?
2. Identify the evidence for and against the thought.
3. What are the realistic chances of bad things happening in the future?
4. Is this way of thinking a habit?
5. What would you say to a friend who is in the same situation? Are you being
harder on yourself than you would on anyone else?
(Adapted from www.ntu.ac.uk/)