Becoming an Individual
Four to Eight months
Sometime during this period, babies begin to be aware of themselves as separate human
beings. They begin to make a difference between situations that are familiar, and those
that are strange. They also begin to realize that other people can be seen as strangers
Often the first sign of this is that the baby begins staring. Staring at people, a new toy or
the environment that he or she hasn’t seen for a while, or seen before.
The normal, natural reaction of the adult is to stare back. What a delightful baby!! We
expect our advances to be received with joy and gurgles and giggles. What a shock, when
we stare back, and the baby bursts into screams and clings to his or her mother or father!
This can happen with friends and close relatives, and even with a father who has been
absent for a few days. Sometimes, rarely, even with a mother in similar circumstances.
The age at which this begins, and the intensity of the baby’s reaction, varies enormously.
Some babies merely frown, or hesitate. Some babies start this as early as three months;
others wait until eight or nine months.
Before your baby is deep into this stage, it is a good idea to start getting him or her used to
safe, but strange, situations and people. For instance, daily visits, even brief ones, to
(healthy) neighbors and friends allow the baby to get used to new faces. From the parents’
point of view, one of the MOST IMPORTANT actions you can take is to help the baby get
used to falling asleep in the crib, starting at around four months. Wait until the baby is
drowsy, rocking or nursing him or her, and then put the baby in the crib while he or she is
still awake. It the baby fusses, it’s fine to pat him or her, sing to him but keep the baby in
the crib! As you will see in later months, the skill the baby learns in self-soothing will pay
off hugely. It’s also a good idea for the adults close to the baby to alternate putting his or
her to bed.
Eight months and after
As the baby becomes more able to do things, he or she demonstrates growing
independence: getting around the house (crawling, cruising or rolling), insisting on self
feeding, and not responding any more to a firm “NO”! At the same time, the baby is
frightened of being separated from his or her parents. This is SEPARATION ANXIETY.
The baby is ambivalent about the whole situation, and often parents are, too. “She is
growing up so soon!” “He’s not a baby any more.”
Sleep problems may appear, especially if the baby is STILL USED TO FALLING
ASLEEP IN THE PARENTS ARMS> Going to bed is a very complete separation from the
baby’s point of view, and if the baby hasn’t already learned to soother himself or herself to
sleep, this is a hard time to start. Moreover, when anything – a dream, a gas pain, a noise,
or even the normal changes in sleep cycle-awakens the baby, the parent is required to get
up and soothe the baby to sleep again. Prevention is much easier than treating this once it
occurs.
Usually, parents welcome their baby’s growing independence, but is normal and natural to
feel sad and upset that the baby is “growing p so soon.” Mother who have recently
returned to work, or who much do so soon, may feel particularly unhappy. It may feel to
them that the baby is punishing them for their independence. It should be reassuring to
know that this is a normal and important step in development.
Here are some key points that might help with the transition:
Analyze our feelings about separation.
Parent may wish to think and talk together or with close friends about their own feelings
about dependence and separation. Early childhood memories may be evoked strongly at
this time.
Teach the baby that separation is OK
Babies need to be taught to handle separation just as toddlers need to be taught potty skills
and preschoolers the alphabet. Brief, pleasant and fairly frequent contact with healthy kind
friends and relatives is GOOD for the baby.
Get other adults to help
Particularly delicate relationships (grandparents, etc.) can be preserved by telling the adults
that the baby is going through this phase, and that they can help by teaching the baby.
Babies can be taught to remember close friends and relatives that haven’t seen in a few
days by asking the adult to approach slowly and gradually. The closer the relationship, the
easier this is. For those the baby hasn’t met before, or hasn’t seen for a long time, ask the
adult to:
o Not make sustained eye contact with the baby at first – even pediatricians do
this during their well check ups.
o Approach gradually and slowly, perhaps distracting the baby with a toy
o Touch the baby’s hands and feet before trying to get the baby’s full attention,
or picking the baby up.
o Be prepared for a negative reaction the first time they do so.
Get each family member to participate in each routine –
This is especially important at bedtime. A four-month old baby should be taught to fall
asleep INT THE CRIB OR BASSINETTE, not in the parent’s arms. It is helpful to get the
baby drowsy, then put the baby in the bed and pat or stroke the baby, signing or talking
softly, until the baby falls asleep. Each parent or caregiver should have a go at putting the
baby to sleep this way. Alternate the adults close to the baby in this bedtime ritual: for
example, mother, father, grandpa, and grandma.
Again, many parents feel mixed emotions at this first sign of independence in their infants.
If this is a very painful to either parents, or if other family members are critical of parents’
handling of this development, it’s a good idea to talk this over with your doctor. Since
your baby will show increasing signs of independence from now on, this is the time to
begin confronting the NORMAL, ambivalence all parents’ experience.