STEP FIVE
Make sure you wear makeup every
waking moment of your life. When
you’re doing simple tasks like shaving,
showering or sleeping make sure you
have makeup on. If the models in
commercials can do it, you can too.
Just keep a makeup bag on you at all
times ready to apply on makeup that
has been washed away by sweat or
water. Even when you wash your face
you should have makeup on! You lips
should be glossy and your eyes should
be smoky. Also, try to make your eyes
bigger and your chin skinnier. You can
exercise each day by opening your
eyes wider and sucking in your
cheeks. That diet will help as well!
STEP FOUR
Wear as little clothes as you can
all the time. It doesn’t matter if
the weather outside is in the
negatives; try to show some leg or
cleavage the men will enjoy it.
Don’t worry about frostbite or
hypothermia. You can keep warm
by just throwing on a cute winter
hat or a furry jacket then just wear
lingerie underneath. You might
look a little weather confused but
it’s all the rage these days! I mean,
the models in the advertisements
are wearing it that way so you
should too! So good luck, I hope
this guide has enlightened you. If
you can’t follow these steps then
sorry, you won’t ever be the
average, normal woman depicted
in advertisements. You will be a
freak along with the other 3 billion
women in the world.
A Guide: How to
Repair Your Body!
YOU can look THAT!
(maybe)
As suggested by American
advertisements in mainstream
media
By: Enerel Enkhtaivan
STEP ONE
First, you need to stop growing hair.
Just suck it back in. I mean the
women in the shaving commercials
don’t have hair; they’re shaving just
for fun! So, you need to stop
growing hair as well. I know I know,
the women in the commercials are
probably very skilled in the art of
sucking hair back into their legs and
armpits but with the help of this
brochure you can do it too! Just sit in
a dark room, stare at your hair
follicles and wish them to go away,
just focus really hard and I’m sure
they’ll just be sucked back in I mean,
there are really no other
explanations as to why the women
in the shaving commercials have no
hair right! They have to be just
sucking their hair back in. Then you
can use those shaving products
afterward just for fun. Good luck!
STEP TWO
Dye your period blood blue! According
the tampon commercials, period blood
being actually red is just gross and no
one wants to see something that every
single woman has. It’s very simple, just
put dye onto your pads and tampons
and then apply them. Don’t worry
about getting sick or how unhygienic it
is, the blue period blood is your
ultimate goal and you should put
yourself in front of harm to get that
result! Beauty is pain remember. Now,
you can comfortably dispose of them
without having to worry that men will
see that blood red pigment and faint
out of horror or god forbid, other
women. Blue blood is in the
commercials say so. Also, red blood is
just gross, disgusting and frankly
unnatural. Extra points if you just hold
in your poops and farts forever, it’s
very unladylike.
STEP THREE
Suck out all your fat. It’s very
easy, you can do it with those
cleanses provided in the holy
book, cosmopolitan. You can
either eat cayenne pepper and
lemonade for 10 days or just
simply, soak in sunshine. The
sun will provide all the nutrients
you need and if you ever feel
hungry, just slap yourself. It’s
called a cleanse so it has to be
healthy right? Soon, you’ll be
looking like all the supermodels
in high fashion. You might faint
from time to time and have to
take a couple trips to the ER but
that totally makes you a damsel
in distress and that’s hot!