TO THE STRUGGLER WHO HAS NEVER ACTED OUT
On April 30, 1997, millions of Americans cheered as Ellen DeGeneres acted on feelings and came
out of the closet publicly on her sitcom. She decided to accept, enter into, and celebrate a lesbian
relationship. Her decision was heralded by the media as heroic, groundbreaking, and gutsy.
That same evening, you resisted your feelings, acted on principle, and didn't leave the house. You
decided to trust your God, hold on, and in the midst of heart-wrenching loneliness, celebrate your
relationship with Jesus Christ. Nobody cheered. No one even cared. It is to you whom we want to
address these thoughts:
Not all triumphs get the spotlight and not all victories taste sweet. If you are a Christian who has
not yet succumbed to feelings and acted out sexually, you are to be commended. We want to tell
you this now...because you likely will not hear it from another source.
The secular media could care less about your chastity, and non-strugglers cannot begin to grasp the
intensity and depth of your battle, nor the intensity and depth of your courage.
Most of us have acted out. We bought the lie and have been regretting it ever since.
But Jesus, in His own perfect time, delivered us into recovery from homosexuality and carried us to
the point of healing where we are today. We didn't have the faith that you have. We turned to the
world to heal us while you were still focused on the Lord. We figured we couldn't wait any longer
for God to act. You are waiting faithfully for your deliverance. You are awesome and you are
strong.
Moses, Billy Graham, Mother Teresa, Dr. James Dobson, Paul, Kathy Troccoli, Martin Luther,
Chuck Swindol, Charles Stanley, Abraham, Elizabeth Elliot and you. An incomplete, yet proud, list
of heroes of the Christian faith.
Your names may be lesser known, your successes too controversial for sharing, and your efforts
unappreciated by the majority. But you can be assured that while the masses may overlook your
hard-won victory, the Master has seen. And while the world is cheering Ellen for maintaining a
same-sex relationship, you will hear but the lone clapping of two nail-driven hands and a still, small
voice whispering, "Well done, My friend. You have believed and maintained your integrity. Very,
very, very well done!"
[Reprinted by permission of the excellent Buggin' Out! newsletter #3, PMB #189, 831 Route 10
East, Whippany, NJ 07981]
FACTS THEY AREN’T TELLING YOU!
Joe was a pastor, a good one too! He was a gifted counselor with a compassion that enabled him
to help many people and he preached an uncompromising gospel message God used to bring
people to Him-self.
Joe also struggled with homosexuality. The man who spoke so convincingly from the pulpit on
Sunday morning often spent most of Saturday night in a gay bar cruising for a sexual contact.
His father was the pastor of an evangelical church where Joe had been active as a child and teen.
He attended a conservative Christian college and was later ordained to the ministry. But, at the
age of six, Joe had been sexually abused and thus introduced to homosexual behavior. He felt he
was different from other boys, and it frightened him. In high school he began having frequent
sexual encounters with other males.
A deep longing to please God and compensate for these desires led him to study for the ministry.
Looking for a “cure”, he married. The earliest years were happy ones as he and his wife raised
their two children. But the desires had not gone away. They had merely been repressed, and
eventually they came back. Joe would fight these temptations until a time of stress seemed to
drive him to a sexual encounter. He would then repent and later go through the whole cycle
again.
He asked God to take the feelings away thousands of times. He tried to bury them in his work
and his family. He went to the altar during revival meetings. He fasted and prayed. He did
everything he knew to do, but the struggles continued. There seemed to be no way out.
Convinced that there was no hope, Joe decided he would not live a lie any longer. He felt he was
literally on his way to hell, so it didn’t matter what he did. Leaving his wife, his children, and his
church, Joe began living an openly gay life-style. During the day he worked at any job he could
find. At night he went to the bars. He said, “It was a completely selfish life—promiscuous sex,
alcohol, hard drugs. My total preoccupation was with being gay.”
Looking for friends, he went to a homosexual church where he was welcomed with open arms.
“At first I felt a tremendous relief and it felt really good to be accepted, but the good feelings
didn’t last long and a lot of problems emerged. I kept having to deal with broken relationships. I
got put in jail. I went to a psychologist. I became suicidal. I tried to kill myself three times.”
He relocated, got a job as a florist, and moved in with a man who became his lover. This last
relationship became a nightmare, as the man turned out to be seriously disturbed and violent. By
the time Joe realized what he had gotten into, he was trapped.
The man was irrationally jealous. One night he and Joe had an argument which ended in Joe
being viciously beaten, “lying in a bed soaked with my blood, having had two objects broken
over my head—a wooden sculpture and a large glass ashtray—I was being slapped and punched
by my ‘lover’ who spat out these words: ‘You are being punished for the life you have lived…’”
Joe was beaten so badly that blood was everywhere. He took it helplessly, expecting to die. He
felt he had no right to call out to God because he had brought this on himself.
It was only the beginning. For the next five months the man literally imprisoned him. In a desire
to totally possess Joe, he got him fired from his job and forbade him to leave the house, make
phone calls, or get the mail. If Joe moved an object in the house while he was gone, the man
would accuse him of having brought in a rival lover. He forced Joe to do whatever he wanted
with threats of violence.
Fear paralyzed Joe. Escape seemed impossible. He was numb from the pain, shame, and horror
of the situation. His lover worked only two blocks from the house they shared and threatened Joe
with death if he tried to run away.
“All I did was cook and clean house. I because an avid fan of soap operas—and of the 700
Club.” Joe spent half the time cursing the hosts in cynical rebellion and the other half crying and
hoping that something on the show would get through to him.
He began secretly reading the Psalms and praying that God would get him out of the situation.
After six months, there was another argument and another beating. This time one of Joe’s ribs
was cracked. He was expected to endure the pain as proof of his love.
Joe decided that the only way out was to kill himself. He took a long carving knife from the
kitchen and held it just below his ribcage. Before he could thrust the knife into his body, the
story of the prodigal son started to play through his mind as though he was watching a movie.
For the first time he felt a deep sense of the love of God. He dropped the knife, sobbed, and
turned on the 700 Club, which that day featured the testimony of a man who had found freedom
from homosexuality.
That did it. Joe called the 700 Club and asked a counselor to pray that he could escape alive. He
threw a few possessions into a suitcase and waited on the street corner for a cab, petrified that his
lover would see him. He went to the bus station and caught the first bus out of town. Three days
later he was home, not knowing how he was going to give up his homosexuality, but certain that
he wanted God more than anything.
God led Joe to Homosexuals Anonymous and he committed himself to working its 14 Step
program. Reading and sharing helped him with emotional and spiritual growth and he got
involved in a Bible-believing church. He attended weekly counseling sessions where he learned
that the deepest roots of homosexuality are not sexual, but arise from unmet love needs, that the
condition itself was not the sin, but that indulgence in homosexual activity was.
When Joe learned that he was not born a homosexual, that the condition was a result of early
influences and choices, something exciting happened. After forgiving those who had caused his
hurt, he experienced a tremendous release. The strength of the homosexual desire significantly
lessened and Joe came to the place where he could describe himself as “delivered from homosexuality”.
We all love a happy ending, but Joe’s story does not have an entirely happy one. Joe had
contracted the HIV virus and developed full-blown AIDS. After a difficult period of illnesses,
Joe succumbed and went home to be with the Lord.
We rejoice that while Joe is “absent from the body”, he is “present with the Lord” (II Corinthians
5:7), but we mourn his loss and the loss of the wonderful gifts God gave Him that might have
blessed so many.
We share his story to warn others of what has been called “one of the best kept secrets in the gay
community” [David Island and Patrick Letellier, Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them, p. 36].
Island and Letellier, both self-identified as gay men, lament that only a handful of articles have
been published by the gay press including “Battered Lovers” published “by the Advocate in
1986; “Breaking the Silence: Gay Domestic Violence” by San Francisco Coming Up! (now the
Bay Times) in 1989; “Naming and Confronting Gay Male Battering” by Boston Gay Community
News in 1989; “The Other Closet,” by the Dallas Observer in 1990; “Till Death Do Us Part:
Domestic Violence Strikes Gay Relationships,” by San Francisco Sentinel, in 1990; and
“Domestic Violence: A Serious Problem Lacking in Resources,” by the Washington D.C. Blade
in 1990.” [Ibid., p.35-36]
If so little has been written on the subject, could it be because it is not a real problem? Island and
Letellier say “No!” “Domestic violence is a big problem for America’s 9.5 million adult gay
men. We estimate that as many as 500,000 gay men are victims, and, of course, equal numbers
are also perpetrators.” [Ibid., p. 1] Their figure of “500,000 annual victims of gay men’s
domestic violence represents a likely, reasonable, and non-speculative estimate. We hope it is too
high, but we suspect that it is right on the mark.” [Ibid., p. 15] “Thus, only substance abuse and
AIDS adversely affect more gay men, making domestic violence the third largest health problem
facing gay men today.” [Ibid., p. 1] “The Director of the Gay Men’s Domestic Violence Project
at the Community United Against Violence (CUAV) in San Francisco stated that domestic
violence may affect and poison as many as 50 percent of gay male couples.” [Ibid., p. 12]
Nor are the statistics more encouraging in lesbian relationships. “Bologna, Waterman, and
Dawson ...discovered a high incidence of abuse in their survey of a self-selected sample of 174
lesbians. About 26% of their respondents reported having been subjected to at least one act of
sexual violence; 59.8% had been victims of physical violence; and 81% had experienced verbal
or emotional abuse. At the same time, 68% of the respondents reported that they had both used
violence against their current or most recent partner and had been victimized by a partner.
Similarly, in a survey of a nonrandom sample of 1,099 lesbians, Lie and Gentlewarrior...found
that 52% of the respondents had been abused by a female lover or partner and that 30% admitted
having abused a female lover or partner. Of those who had been victims of abuse, more than half
(51.5%) reported they also had been abusive toward their partners.” [Claire M. Renzetti, Violent
Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships, p. 18]
As Renzetti states, “It is doubtful that researchers will ever be able to measure accurately the
prevalence of homosexual partner abuse, but this is not to say that these studies have no value.
Their importance lies in the fact that they clearly demonstrate that lesbians and gay men not
infrequently aggress against their intimate partners in ways that are physically and emotionally
abusive and sometimes violent.” [Ibid., p. 19]
A recent publication of the Association of Welcoming & Affirming Baptists, a pro-gay
movement, further confirms all this. Kenneth V. Dodgson, M.D., writes, “Gay men, as well as
adolescent gays, report high incidence rates of violent or abusive behavior, either as recipients or
perpetrators, usually involving their same-sex partners.” [“Homosexuality: A Review of Recent
Medical Research Papers,” The InSpiriter, (Summer-Fall, 2003), p. 5]
Here, then, is one more reason God, like the good Father He is, says we are not to engage in
homosexual behavior. Good parents warn their children away from things that will hurt them.
There’s an old saying: “Hurt people hurt people.” Men and women who are tempted to engage
in homosexual behavior are usually so tempted because they were hurt when they were children,
either in their relationship with their same-sex parent, or through sexual abuse. The result is
defensive detachment—a wall of anger and fear with which they seek to protect themselves.
Their unmet needs from childhood drive them to seek love from persons of the same sex, but
their defensive detachment makes it impossible for them to find it. If anger is the major part of
their detachment, they may become abusers; if fear is the major part of their detachment, they
may be abused. And, of course, anger and fear can change places from time to time so that one
can at one time be the abuser and at another the abused!
God would spare us all that pain and all that sin. Will we heed His warnings, or must we learn
the hard way? And, if we have already had painful experience as to why He said “No!” will we
ever learn?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
Dr. Jeffrey Satinover, a Jewish psychiatrist who holds degrees from MIT (S.B., Humanities and
Science), Harvard, (Ed. M., Clinical Psychology and Public Practice), the University of Texas
(M.D.), and Yale (M.S., Physics), completed his residency in Psychiatry at Yale with a year as
Fellow of the Yale Child Study Center, holds a Diploma in Analytical Psychology from the C. G.
Jung Institute of Zurich, has written numerous articles in peer-reviewed journals of psychology
and neuroscience, and is a Board-Certified Psychiatrist who has practiced psychotherapy and/or
psychiatry since 1974, testified before the Massachusetts Senate Judicial Committee on the
subject of homosexuality and the future of the family in America./ He noted a number of claims
that the senators had heard:
 That homosexuality has been repeatedly demonstrated to be, and is in fact, an innate,
genetically-determined condition.
 That homosexuality is an immutable state of an individual.
 That the only disadvantages of homosexuality are those caused by social disapproval and
discrimination.
 That a society composed of same-sex couples raising children in family-like units will differ
from a society composed of traditional family units in no undesirable ways.
‘None of these claims are even remotely true,’ said Dr. Satinover, ‘however widely believed they
may have become; the evidence of the kind that “everyone knows” simply does not exist; even a
cursory examination of the actual sources behind these claims will reveal a very strong
preponderance of evidence to precisely the contrary; the claims are simply fiction.” [NARTH
Bulletin, (August 2004), p. 2]
THEY MISLED US!
In 1998, Matthew Shepard, a homosexual college student in Wyoming, was brutally murdered.
Because the crime occurred shortly after the “Truth in Love” ad campaign had showed people it
was possible to find freedom from homosexuality, pro-homosexual groups like the Human
Rights Campaign immediately blamed the campaign, saying it had created “a climate...of
intolerance” which led to Shepard’s death.
Now it appears that Shephard’s death was not an “anti-gay hate crime” at all. ABC’s “20/20”
aired a report on Friday, November 26, 2004, showing that the crime actually began as a robbery
attempt within a subculture of illegal drug use, to which both Shepard and his killers belonged.
This does not make Shepard’s murder any less terrible. All violent crimes should be vigorously
prosecuted and punished—regardless of their motivation.
But it is important for us to remember not to jump to conclusions and believe everything we
hear or read. The world often lies and that makes recovery more difficult. Above all, let us put
away self-pity and the fear that keeps us locked in our self-made prisons of loneliness and pursue
freedom with ever growing hope and determination, refusing to let the sins of others rob us of the
God’s perfect plan!
POINTS TO PONDER
“...I prayed for years, ‘God, please take away these desires.’ I blamed God for my suffering.
However, it was never my Heavenly Father who gave me same-sex attractions. They were the
result of many contributing man-made factors. I prayed the wrong prayer for over twenty-five
years. I never received an answer because I wasn’t asking the right question. God could have
removed my SSA [same-sex attractions] in an instant. But that would never have healed my heart
and soul. I had SSA for many reasons: distant relationship with my father, sexual abuse from my
uncle, antagonistic relationship with my older brother, and over attachment to my mother. When
these issues were revealed, God enabled me to heal each wound. I am a much better man for it.”
[Richard Cohen, Gay Children, Straight Parents, p. 25]
"Five traumas will generally arrest normal development in a prepubescent child; rejection
(neglect), incest, molestation, emotional abuse, and physical abuse.... Surprisingly, rejection is
more damaging to a child than the other four forms of abuse.... Rejection can include
abandonment, a critical spirit, perfectionism, insults, neglect, sarcasm, and...a lack of physical
touch." [Paul Hegstrom, Broken Children, Grown-up Pain, p. 24]
“After Ellen DeGeneres’s parents divorced, she helped combat her mother’s depression by
making her laugh. ‘I found I could make her happy, and she wouldn’t be crying any more,’ says
Degeneres...” [Jamie Malanowski, “How Funny People Got That Way,” Reader’s Digest,
(September 2004), p. 91]. “Her mother’s third husband (whom she later divorced) sexually
harassed young Ellen...” [N. F. Mendoza, “Coming Up Next,” Reader’s Digest, (September
2004), p. 161]. Are you surprised that she identifies herself as lesbian?
I’M ON MY WAY!
My father was the son of poor Slovak immigrants. He managed to get a full scholarship to Syracuse
University and became a petroleum engineer. I admire him for Americanizing us, for his strong
work ethic, and for rising above his humble beginnings.
He made good money and more than provided for our physical needs, putting my brother and me
through two very expensive colleges. To do this, he worked long hours and traveled all over the
Middle East, the North Sea, and the Gulf of Mexico. Money was important to him because his
parents had had so little.
This meant that we moved often because of his work and my brother and I were often home
(wherever that was) alone with my mother. When my dad did come home, he was so stressed out
from the traveling and long hours that he would become very angry at the slightest irritation. It
seemed I got spanked daily when he was home. My mother was very passive and would often say,
“Don’t do anything your father wouldn’t like.” “Don’t displease him.” “Don’t do anything to get
him going.” So I developed a real fear of my dad and put up an emotional wall to protect myself. I
couldn’t wait until he went on his next trip so life would not be so painful. I thought things were so
much nicer with just mom and my brother at home.
Dad was very concerned about education. My brother and I were both in gifted education programs
and did well in school. But if there was a B on a report card, my dad got very upset, so I did my best
to get straight A’s and not upset him.
Dad was also a sports fanatic. My brother and I inherited a condition from my mom where our feet
and ankles were turned in at birth. I spent my first fourteen years in corrective shoes and braces to
fix the problem. I learned to walk very late and had a hard time running in those big, bulky shoes.
So I wasn’t an athlete. I remember once my dad and I were playing ball in the back yard. I couldn’t
do something well and he kept yelling at me that I wasn’t trying. He finally threw down his glove
and went in the house. My mom told him not to be so hard of me. He started yelling at her, and I
thought, “I’m a bad son. I can’t do what I’m expected to do. I cause my parents to argue.”
I always felt very insecure about my appearance because my dad would tell me my nose was too
big, I was too thin, or too fat, and my eyes were the wrong color (he wanted blue-eyed children). So
I grew to hate the way I looked. I thought I was ugly and no one would want me.
At school the kids made fun of the big, brown, clunky, corrective shoes I had to wear everywhere
(even gym class). When I tried to play ball with the other boys, my shoes got in the way and I was
pretty clumsy. After a while, I avoided competitive sports if possible and thus felt separated from
the other boys because of my lack of ability in sports.
I excelled in music. I started piano lessons when I was seven, joined the band in high school, and
took voice lessons. I entered many competitions and did very well. But I was surrounded by people
who saw music as a “feminine’ thing, so I felt even less of a man.
I first noticed that I was attracted to men when I was twelve, but I became a Christian at age
fourteen so I didn’t act on those feelings for years, because I knew it was a sin.
My parents divorced when I was twenty while I was away at college, so distance helped me ignore
the pain for a while. But I started looking at homosexual pornography. I was very upset by that. I
knew it was sin. I felt deep shame, asking myself, “What if the guys in the Bible study I’m leading
knew?”
When I graduated, I went on a mission trip with Campus Crusade for Christ to East Berlin. This
enabled me to avoid the problems back home a while longer. I eventually came home when my
finances ran out (I got here with 10 Pfennigs in my pocket—about seven cents) and moved in with
my mom. I couldn’t ignore the pain of my parents’ divorce any longer, and I found my mom was
dating a man who was alcoholic and abusive. I’d come home and find things he’d smashed. Once he
cornered my mom in the laundry room, threatening to kill her with a gun he was holding. Thank
God his son walked in, grabbed him, and took him home. Still, mom wouldn’t leave him.
I also had the stress of trying to find work. I could only get three part-time jobs, and eventually
came down with pneumonia. I had to be in the hospital and, without insurance, was bombarded with
medical bills. My parents argued bitterly over who was going to pay the bills and eventually I said I
would pay them to stop the bickering.
I got well, went back to work, and then our house was sold. My mom moved into a one-bedroom
apartment and I was without a home, so I shared an apartment with my best male friend from high
school. A couple of months later he got engaged and moved his fiancée into the apartment without
asking me about it. I felt betrayed and she and I did not get along. Home life was once again
difficult.
One night I was watching the news and saw a story about a drug bust at a gay bar in Philadelphia.
They gave the address and I wrote it down. I was depressed and disillusioned, feeling nothing good
was going to come out of life, so, at age twenty-three, I gave up fighting desires I had had since I
was twelve. I never found the bar, but I located a homosexual movie theater, went in, met a man,
and had my first sexual experience. I was ashamed, embarrassed, and vowed never to do it again.
But I was hooked and I eventually went back to Philly where I located several “gay” bars and
bookstores and began having more and more sexual encounters. I would fight it for several months
at a time, but would always fail sooner or later.
I saw an advertisement for HA in a Christian directory, thought about calling, wrote the number
down, but then told myself, “It’s been quite a while since I’ve acted out; I can make it on my own.”
I couldn’t, and hit rock bottom as I began acting out two or three times a week. I was so depressed I
had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and often stayed in bed all day when I didn’t have to
work. I finally decided to call HA and learned when and where the chapter met.
I was very nervous at that first meeting, but it felt good to get my story off my chest to people who
understood and yet were committed to helping me get free of what I knew to be wrong. It also
helped to know I wasn’t the only one in this situation and seeing other people with this struggle
working to live for Christ encouraged me.
I found some real friends whose support enabled me to tell my girl friend about my struggle. She
and I attended a Recovery Seminar together, which helped her understand what I was going through
and gave me a good introduction to the issues I have to work through to find the freedom I am
seeking. I also shared my struggle with my pastor, and he was very encouraging.
I had trouble working the HA workbook, so a member suggested I call him each night after I had
finished a question. That helped me get to work on my issues and talking on a regular basis helped
head off trouble before it got started.
Acting out began to decrease markedly and it has been several months since I have had a fall.
Thanks to HA I now know that with God’s help, I can beat this thing and live the life God planned
for me. Praise Him!
Scott S.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Scripture and church tradition clearly regard same-sex genital relationships to be morally
wrong.” [Willard M. Swartley, Homosexuality: Biblical Interpretation and Moral Discernment,
p. 126]
“As the openly and actively homosexual Episcopal Bishop V. Gene Robinson said last year, ‘Just
simply to say that it [sodomy] goes against...Scripture, does not necessarily make it wrong.’ It
must be fun to make up your own religion.” [The New Oxford Review, (April 2004), p. 16]
“Those who would press the church to change the norm of her teaching on this question must
understand that they press the church toward schism. For a church which allows itself to be
pushed to regard homosexual activity as no longer a departure from the biblical norm and to
recognize homosexual partnerships as a form of personal relationship equivalent to marriage
would no longer stand on the foundation of the Scripture but rather in opposition to its
unanimous witness. A church that takes such a step has thereby ceased to be an evangelical
church in the tradition of the Lutheran Reformation.” [Wolfhart Pannenberg, professor of
systematic theology at the University of Munich, “You Shall Not Lie With a Male,” Lutheran
Forum, Vol. 30, No. 1, (February 1996), p.29]
“Like any desire for what God has forbidden, the desire for same-sex intercourse can also be a sin
but only if consciously nurtured and ‘fed.’ The mere inclination or the experience to temptation is
not sin. The issue of whether one is mastered by the desire.” [Robert A. J. Gagnon, The Bible and
Homosexual Practice, p. 462]
"Scripture speaks with one voice that homosexual practice is sinful and beyond the scope of God's
will for his children, or to quote F. Dale Bruner, 'homosexual practice is not the design of God's
creation, is abhorred by God's Law, and is proscribed in God's Gospel.'" [Scott R. A. Starbuck in
reNews, (March 1996), p. 5]
“Even if it is not your fault that you turned out the way you did, it is your responsibility if you stay
that way.” [Carmen Renee Berry and Mark W. Baker, Who’s To Blame? Escape the Victim Trap
and Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships, p. 205]
CRUMPLED DREAMS
“When Stephen King was an unknown, 24-year-old high school teacher living in a rented trailer
with his wife and two kids, he sold short stories to magazines to make ends meet. One of the pieces
was especially hard to write. It dealt with ‘the world of girls,’ which he didn’t know anything
about. Over and over, he tried to wrestle the words onto the page, but the story wouldn’t gel.
Disgusted with the first eight pages he’d written he threw them out.
“That night, he wife, Tabitha, saw the crumpled papers while collecting the trash. Curious, she read
the incomplete story. Seeing its potential immediately, she insisted her husband finish it. ‘I told her
it was too long for the markets I’d been selling to,’ King said, ‘and that it might turn out to be a
short novel.’ She said, ‘Just write it!’ Mr. King then protested that he knew almost nothing about
girls. She said, ‘I’ll help you.’ She did. And for the last twenty-eight years, she has.
“When King did finish the book, Doubleday was willing to pay only a $2,500 advance, unsure of
how readers would react to the material. The publisher needn’t have worried. Carrie became a
national bestseller and a blockbuster motion picture.
“There’s another King who rescues unfinished stories from the trash, which is where many of us
throw our lives when we don’t like what we’ve written, can’t make things go the way we want,
or can’t see any prospect of a tidy ending. Just when it seems nobody knows or cares about the
struggles we’ve endured, Jesus stoops to salvage our crumpled remnants or our abandoned hopes
and sees beyond the sometimes anguished attempts we’ve made to make sense of the world and
our place in it. He sees the potential that lies just past our fatigue and defeat.
“When we’ve willing, He hands back our life and says, ‘Finish the story.’
“’But I know almost nothing about godliness,’ we protest. ‘I do,’ He replied. ‘I’ll help you.’ And
He does. And He will.” [Rick Gamble in Pulpit Helps, (April 2003), p. 6]
POINTS TO PONDER
“If homosexuals choose to transform their sexuality into heterosexuality, that resolve and
decision is theirs and theirs alone, and should not be tampered with by any special interest
group—including the gay community.... The individual has the right to choose whether he or she
wishes to become straight. It is his or her choice, not that of an ideologically driven interest
group.” [Dr. Robert Perloff, former President of the American Psychological Association,
NARTH Bulletin, (December 2004), p. 1-2]
“...Recognizing the attractions you have is no mandate for giving in to them.... It takes
tremendous courage to stand up to yourself and even more to deny yourself. But that is exactly
what we are all called to do.” [Bob Van Domelen, Wellspring, (December 2004-January 2005),
p. 2]
“A guilty conscience feels continual fear.” [A Treasury of Essential Proverbs, p. 111]
FOR THE MARRIED STRUGGLER AND HIS OR HER SPOUSE
At last year’s HA Conference, David and Kate P. shared how his struggle with homosexuality
impacted their marriage. Their story was worth the price of the conference. I asked them to write
their story for the Newsletter and they gladly did so, noting that they don’t pretend to be experts
and understand that each marriage—past, present, or future—is unique. They share their journey
in the hope that you find something that applies to your situation or answers some of your
questions.
David: I’ve had homosexual feelings for as long as I can remember; yet homosexual behavior
was not compatible with my spiritual values.
I met Kate when I was fourteen. By the time I was sixteen, I knew I wanted to marry her. I still
felt messed up sexually, but was naïve enough to think that marriage would solve my problems. I
waited till our junior year in college to let her know my feelings, and we married shortly after
graduating.
Although I believe Kate is the most wonderful person in the world, and I wouldn’t trade her for
any guy, marriage did not solve my problem. In fact, it made it worse. The drives became a lot
stronger. I tried to stay close to God and Kate, but I never told her about my struggle. I wasn’t
going to tell Kate anything until I conquered this “gay” issue.
I couldn’t talk to anyone. I was married. I worked for a church. I was brought up with the belief
that psychology was a tool of the devil. Who was I going to talk to? I didn’t know about HA or
any other group, and even if I had, I couldn’t talk to anyone without Kate knowing something. I
was trapped and the drives weren’t going away. They kept getting stronger. This went on
through twelve years of marriage.
I tried to be sexually active with my wife, but that wasn’t easy, and she could tell something
wasn’t right. One afternoon she started asking questions. She wanted to know what was wrong.
She named a list of possible problems, one of which was homosexuality. I don’t remember what
any of the other things were, but I heard that one!
I sidestepped the issue, but not far enough. I was just too tired to continue keeping it a secret, so I
said something like, “I don’t think I’m quite normal.” Of course that didn’t satisfy her, so I
finally came out and said I was struggling with homosexuality.
Kate: Growing up, I came to believe that no man worth having would ever love me. I determined
to stay single to avoid being hurt.
In high school, I became best friends with David. Our friendship, which was based on shared
values and mutual trust, gradually grew into love. We didn’t admit this aloud, however, for
years. By my senior year of college, I knew I loved and trusted David, but was still distrustful of
marriage. After much prayer and heart searching, I married with a great many fears, but
believing this was God’s will for my life.
I had assumed that having saved sex for marriage insured healthy, satisfactory, physical intimacy
after marriage. Unfortunately, the reality was different. David’s lack of consistent enthusiasm
puzzled and frustrated me. He had sporadic interest, but our physical relationship seemed to be a
low priority most of the time. I concluded I was sexually repulsive to him and that he was only
trying to spare my feelings when he said otherwise.
In every other area David was very affirming. He treated me like a queen, and I knew he truly
loved me. My emotions and self-esteem grew to be much more healthy. We were affectionate
and compatible. In fact, others viewed us as having the perfect marriage.
Over time, however, I began to notice more and more anger in my husband. He encountered a
succession of people in his career who treated him unfairly. Each time, it seemed, he
overreacted. Even though I was never the target of this behavior, I became more and more upset
by it. I had been attracted to him because of his thoughtfulness toward others and his ability to
get along with people. These wonderful qualities seemed to be eroding before my eyes. I didn’t
know what the underlying problem was, but I became convinced there was one.
I think of David’s disclosure as D-Day because it was a turning point in our lives. I wrote in my
journal: “This evening our marriage turned a corner. Unfortunately, I can’t see far enough ahead
to know where this road will ultimately lead. This evening I was puzzling again over what was
really going on in our physical relationship. ...David said, ‘I guess I was just born different.’
‘Different how?’ I added a list of possible options, homosexual among them, only to prove he
could tell me anything—no matter how extreme—and I would be glad to hear it. But when he
confirmed, after a hesitation, that he thought he was gay, I had disbelief. He poured out the
deepest soul-secret burden of his life to me—how he knew from childhood he was different than
other boys. I felt he was blowing a few events and stray thoughts out of proportion. This man is
not a homosexual. I cried tears of sympathy for him to carry this burden, so heavy, alone all
these years.
“This is the man who has always been my gentle lover and most thoughtful companion. We met
at fourteen, were best friends, knew at seventeen that we wanted to marry each other some day,
though we didn’t admit that even to each other until years later, wrote weekly letters through
years of separation. A friend called us ‘the most compatible couple’ she’d ever known. A
pastor’s wife told me she envied our close relationship. Out of all the siblings on both sides of
our families, we’re the ones that our parents always count on to flow predictably, smoothly on
through life, always avoiding crises. We don’t have crises. I’ve often said we knew each other so
well and so long be-fore marriage that marriage had brought me no major surprises like other
couples claim it does.
“We talked. Then we went for a walk and talked some more. I’m not at all sure David’s
homosexual, but I am sure He’s been terribly burden-ed over this for all of our marriage, and I
had no idea. I’ve known he felt less masculine, but I’ve always sort of blown that off as
ridiculous. With his bushy beard, muscled arms, rugged outdoorishness—he’s obviously
masculine. He seemed to think that just because he has no interest in sports, electronics, or
mechanics there’s something wrong. Now I realize his identity crisis went deeper than I ever
dreamed. Poor guy. I’m so glad he doesn’t have to carry it all by himself any more. He’s
struggled daily with thoughts I didn’t know where there. I want to help him through this and
share the burden. I’m still in denial, I guess. I wonder if anger will come next.
“I have felt that our marriage lacked the level of intimacy I craved. But I thought maybe I had
unrealistic expectations. Now suddenly we have the deepest sharing—absolute intimacy and
vulnerability. To know David trusted me with something that could ruin him awes me and feels a
little scary.
“Suddenly, too, we are free spiritually to talk about our fears, needs, and struggles. I’ve needed
that but was always embarrassed to seek it. He never seemed to understand, never seemed to
have corresponding struggles. Now I realize he very much does. This is something to plead to
God about together, and that’s wonderful.
“He did say that he’s never been active with anyone but me. I think this whole thing would’ve
been a much greater hardship on me if that was not the case. I have complete trust in his
truthfulness.
“He feels marriage to me kept him from acting out homosexual desires, even though it didn’t
take them away. He fears he would’ve brought great shame to his family and maybe died of
AIDS by now. If it wasn’t for David’s unconditional love that brought some self-worth into my
life, I may have died of suicide by now. The acceptance and support he credits me for now were
learned from him. Tonight I felt more than ever that we were meant for each other. Together we
can overcome.”
In the days following, I was relieved to know what the problem was. The enemy had been
identified. As we talked, I came to accept that David truly did struggle with homosexuality; it
was not just a figment of his imagination. I felt a tremendous sorrow for his lonely twenty-five
years of suffering. On the positive side, his disclosure brought increased emotional intimacy and
union. There were negatives, however. I felt that this confirmed my lack of femininity—after all,
if a man who was attracted to men was attracted to me, how could I possibly be feminine? Also,
I felt the weight of carrying a huge, heavy secret. I was keenly aware of the disparity between
appearance (a perfect marriage) and reality (a seriously troubled marriage). I had no one to talk
to about this.
David: I had a sense of relief with the new openness between us. Kate knew the real me and still
loved and supported me. Though we did a lot of talking, I still had no way out of my homosexual
struggle. Somehow I’ve always known God would somehow provide victory over
homosexuality. I didn’t know how, but I was sure He did, and would.
I was frustrated, though, that Kate seemed to think that we could pray real hard and God would
just take it away. I knew it wouldn’t work that way, but didn’t want her to think I just didn’t have
enough faith. Also, I had to regain Kate’s trust. It was a new reality to her that I would have
sexual temptation.
Kate: Two and a half months after David’s disclosure, we flew to his parents’ home for
Christmas. In my carry-on bag, I had the most recent issue of Christian Reader. I found an ad in
the classified section: “HOW CHRIST CAN HELP THE HOMOSEXUAL. Homosexuals
Anonymous is a Christian fellowship of men and women who have chosen to help each other
live free from homosexuality through group support, shared growth, and a 14-step Christian
recovery program. If you or someone you know needs help, contact HAFS, Box 7881, Reading
PA 19603; telephone: (610) 376-1146. [Now (610) 779-2500] All requests confidential.”
I didn’t mention the ad to David, but determined to check it out. I had no idea whether this was a
legitimate organization or not. After we return-ed home, I phoned. John J. listened to my
situation, answered my questions, and offered to send more information. His Christian caring
was so obvious that I forget to give him a fake name as I had planned, but caught myself just in
time to at least give him a strange spelling.
When the materials arrived, I looked them over closely. I could see the recovery program
employed two methods: following a workbook and attending small group meetings. David
generally refused to work workbooks and attend small group meetings, so I had some trepidation
about approaching him with the HA information.
David: I was pleased to discover there were materials to help people find freedom from
homosexuality and began looking them over. I was curious as to whether there was any-thing to
this. Was this God’s answer to my struggle? I was willing to overlook the fact that it involved a
workbook and small groups. I decided to give it a real, heartfelt try. If it didn’t work, it wasn’t
going to be because I didn’t work the program right. I ordered the first of literature that would
eventually fill a large trunk and a two-drawer file cabinet.
Two months later I attended a meeting of the nearest chapter—200 miles from our home. Kate
met with the wife of the chapter leader and was helped by having someone to talk to.
A few weeks later, we made the long trip to Reading, Pennsylvania, for the HA Recovery
Seminar. I started a chapter in my area. I was the only one in the chapter, but I had one! I went to
an HA Training Seminar. Because of starting that chapter I got a call from a former lesbian who
led a small group for strugglers and family members about 70 miles from us. Kate and I started
attending. I met a fellow-struggler there and we started having regular HA meetings. I always
knew God would somehow bring victory and change in my life. I found (1) HA chapter
meetings, (2) the HA workbook and related materials, (3) my Bible study and prayer, and (4)
frequent mental reviews of the fourteen steps especially helpful in this process.
David: Communication is important. Kate needs to know where I am in my struggle and in my
relation-ship with God. She needs to know that I’m having a devotional time with God. She
needs to know that my goal is still set on being free from homosexuality. Although Kate knows
me pretty well and can often guess what is going on in my mind, she doesn’t know if I’m
fantasizing about homosexual acting out or what’s going on in my thought life. She can relax
more and worry less if I’m open with her about where I am. It’s also easier for her if I’m the one
who brings it up from time to time rather than her always having to ask how I’m doing.
She also needs to know about times when I sense that I’m weak. Then she can pray with and for
me. This also brings a measure of accountability. When I know that she’ll be asking me how
things have been going not too long from now, it’s amazing how much that can reduce
temptation.
In communication, balance is important. While I need to be open with Kate, I also need to be
sensitive to her needs and feelings. Giving her too much information or too many details can be
harmful to our marriage and to her emotional well-being. Sexuality is very intimate and personal.
It isn’t easy for her to know I’m finding another person sexually tempting. However, there is
hope. By working the program, I’m discovering that my homosexual temptations are diminishing
and that my heterosexual feelings for Kate are growing. Kate needs to hear about my victories
over temptation and about my sexual feelings for her. She rejoices with me at each sign of
progress, however small it may seem.
Kate: Just as David needs to communicate with me, I need to communicate with him. He can’t
know whether this is a time that I have a need to know the details of his struggle, or whether it’s
one of those times I just can’t handle any more and need to pull back and process what he’s
already told me. If I need to be alone, or if I need the security of his presence, I need to tell him.
If I’m feeling sad or angry or hopeful, it helps to tell him that and articulate the reasons as well
as I can. Too many years have already been spent hiding inner feelings and struggles. We need to
reverse that pattern: communication is the means.
David: I need to rebuild the trust Kate has in me. While I haven’t been sexually active with
anyone else, Kate now knows I have temptations in that area. She needs to be sure in her mind
that though I haven’t fallen in the past, the future is secure too. She needs to know that I value
her and our marriage more than a fling with some guy, even when temptation is strong. She
needs to know that I’ll stay away from places where I can indulge my temptations. When I’m
late getting home, I need to call her so she knows where I am and when she can expect me.
When we’ve been apart, I need to voluntarily tell her what happened during my time away,
especially anything that has a bearing on my struggle. This helps rebuild trust.
I also need to be faithful in working the program. Kate gets concerned when she sees days or
even weeks or months go by and I haven’t been working my workbook. Times of mental failure
are almost always linked with times of laxness in working my program. She legitimately feels
more trust when I’m faithfully working my program.
In our case, it has been good for Kate to get to know the guys in our chapter. On two different
occasions I rode out to a conference in Reading with another HA member. These trips involved
several nights in a hotel. Because Kate had developed trust not only in me, but also in these
fellow strugglers, she felt comfortable in encouraging me to make the trip and be blessed by the
meetings and fellowship. Because both of us guys were working the program, she was able to
trust us and we were able to travel together with very little temptation. We found our time
together was productive rather than destructive.
I thank God for bringing the help I knew He would bring. True, I didn’t always like the way he
brought it, but, you know what? I wouldn’t change a thing! I just praise Him for being the
wonderful Savior that He is.
--David and Kate P.
A MOTHER’S STORY!
I came to the Lord as a young married woman in my early 30’s going through a painful experience.
My husband, Paul, was experiencing chronic swollen glands. The doctors were puzzled and
admitted him to Albany Medical for biopsies. They suspected Hodgkin’s Disease, cancer of the
lymphatic system. Out of desperation, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Shortly
thereafter, Paul was released from the hospital with a diagnosis of sarcoidosis, which then
disappeared and has not returned in over 30 years, but I am also grateful for the frightening
experience which God used to bring me to Christ.
I was hit again in the autumn of 1997. Two years earlier our son Steve graduated from college and
got a job as a paralegal in a law firm in New Jersey. Though he kept in regular contact with us, we
felt strangely separated from him and felt something wasn’t right. Though he had asked the Lord
into his heart as a youngster and had rededicated himself to the Lord as a senior in high school, he
had obviously grown far from Him.
In the fall of 1997, I called Steve to leave a voice-mail message and in the process heard a greeting
he had left on his answering machine for members of something called GAAMC. I called Steve to
ask what GAAMC was. He said he would call that night to explain. When he called, he asked to
speak to me first. He said that he was a “gay man.” I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
Then Steve asked to speak to his father and told him the same thing. My husband, in a very personal
devotional for our church’s elder board, described how he felt: “I guess that was the worst day of
my life, or maybe the first worst day of my life, because every day for the next five to six weeks
continued to be the worst day of my life. For my wife it was more like four years of every day being
the worst day of her life... I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
Reeling from this announcement, Paul and I struggled to get our bearings and stay afloat. Paul and I
spoke to our pastor who advised us to have a talk with Steve—he was coming home to visit for a
few days —in order to state exactly where we stood on the issue of homosexuality. He also advised
us not to nag Steve after our discussion.
We had this discussion with Steve and he responded with an expression on his face that I had never
seen before, a kind of set look. Paul called it his “invisible protective shield.”
Paul and I started counseling with a Christian psychologist who admitted that he didn’t know how
to rescue Steve from the homosexual disorder. I started reading everything I could find on the
subject from a Christian perspective. On book in particular, Jeffrey Satinover’s Homosexuality and
The Politics of Truth, was so disturbing that I couldn’t bring myself to finish it until my husband
read it. I learned much about the homosexual disorder—none of it good and definitely not “gay”. I
learned that gay life expectancy, even apart from AIDS and with a long-term partner, was
approximately thirty years less than that of married men. I also found out that sexual infidelity was
the norm, rather than the exception, even for male homosexual couples in long-term relationships. I
also learned that homosexual behavior, like any other sexual behavior, is a choice but that same-sex
attraction is not chosen. It is a disorder caused by deep emotional wounds in the heart of a young
person that make him or her feel different from, or less than, other members of the same sex. Often
the young person experienced hurt in his or her relationship with the same-sex parent and has felt
rejected by them. The young person may also have experienced hurt and rejection in his or her peer
inter-actions with other youngsters. This unmet need for love and acceptance can then become
sexualized during adolescence. So homosexuality is actually a relational, nor a sexual, disorder. It is
not genetically pre-determined and it is treatable. In other words, sexual orientation can, with the
help of God, be changed if the person is strongly motivated to do so. I stored all these resources—
tapes, books, pamphlets, etc., in a special file drawer ready to give Steve if and when he asked for
them. And then we waited.
During those years of waiting, Paul and I traveled to Reading, Pennsylvania, for a Homosexuals
Anonymous Family and Friends Seminar (now available on tape—see the HA Book Ministry list
under “For Families and Friends”) led by John J. During the opening prayer I knew I was in the
right place because the woman next to me was crying even harder than I was! In a conversation
during lunch break, I shared one of my fears with John J. I told him that Steve was very bright and I
was worried that he would use his abilities to further gay causes and do a lot of damage in the
process. (We later found out that this turned out to be the case.) John replied that I shouldn’t
worry—God has His ways of dealing with such things and undoing the harm folks sometimes do.
That seminar was a great help.
Another source of support for me during those years was a Mothers’ Prayer Group that I joined. We
developed a kind of “camaraderie of the trenches” mentality since we shared things with each other
that we didn’t want discussed in the larger church fellowship. I remember mentioning that since
Steve was an only child, Paul and I would never have any grandchildren. I asked the group if I
should get rid of his old toys and games. They told me to hold on to them and I took their advice
despite my natural inclination to throw away anything that isn’t being used. I’m still saving Steve’s
beat-up Monopoly game in faith for any future grandchildren with which we may be blessed.
One of the women in the group wrote these encouraging words to me in early March 2001. “I praise
God that Steve was dumped again because I assume it will bring him closer to the end of that path...
Steve will finally realize that his lifestyle is destructive and sinful—I am sure of it because God has
said if we pray in His will, He will do it—and another promise is that He will complete what He
started in Steve. Satan’s attempts to claim Steve are pitiful compared to God’s almighty power!
Your gratitude to God is the key—for upholding you and Paul through this. Keep thanking Him for
answering the prayers you have already prayed for Steve—in His perfect way and timing. Build up
your faith in God’s love for Steve and keep praising and thanking Him, ignoring Satan’s whispers
of worry and fear. By Jesus’ stripes, Steve is healed and delivered from all unrighteousness! I’m
believing with you.”
During those years in a kind of limbo, Paul and I had to deal with grief—something like mourning
the loss of a loved one. I found John White’s thoughts on relinquishment helpful. He says it means
to trust God about our children rather than our own ability to manage their lives. We have to learn
how to place them in the safety of God’s hands and leave them there. This was very hard for me to
do when my only son was dating men and spending weekends going to nightspots in Manhattan.
The faithful prayers of Christian friends, the wise counsel of our psychologist, and the mothers’
prayer group kept Paul and me afloat during this dark time and kept me from descending into the
depression I was prone to.
Then another blow! In February of 2002 my hairdresser noticed that the area above my right eye
was swollen. Several weeks and four medical appointments later, I had outpatient surgery to remove
a non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma from underneath my right eyelid. The cancer turned out to be slow
growing and easily treatable, but we, of course, didn’t know this for a number of weeks and the
waiting for the test results and final diagnosis was a time of uncertainty and fear.
Yet great blessing came of this! It prompted our son to take a long, hard look at his life and the
choices he was making, bringing to an end my husband’s and my four-and-a-half years of waiting.
That summer Steve visited us for the 4th of July holiday. He asked us both to sit down so we could
talk. Not knowing what to expect, we sat down with considerable anxiety. Steve quoted C. S. Lewis,
saying, “All get what they want; they do not always like it.” He told us he wanted to leave the gay
lifestyle and thanked us for our patience. We were completely stunned, but I was ready with my
drawer full of materials collected to help Steve’s exist from homosexuality. His recovery had begun.
The last two years have been a busy time for Paul, Steve, and me. Steve moved home after finishing
law school. He passed his Bar Exam and is presently working as an associate in a local law firm
(after declining a job in a large New Jersey law firm that would have paid him more than double
what he is making). He has made many friends by participating in a Christian men’s group called
Good Fight of Faith that helps men escape from sexual addiction. He has learned to share his
struggle with these men and is not alone in his battle but has a strong support network and good
accountability. Now, when the phone rings, it’s always for Steve. He and another friend restarted
the Men’s Basketball Fellowship. He and Paul have grown closer, father to son, talking and praying
together frequently.
In Isaiah 49:25, the Lord says to His people: ‘Even the captives of the most mighty and most terrible
shall all be freed, for I will fight those who fight you, and I will save your children.” Paul, Steve and
I are living in the light of this!
--Gerry H.
POINTS TO PONDER
Many argue, “The church in the past has always been rigid in these matters; it has denounced
homosexuality as...sin.... It has held to the indissolubility of marriage. But by now, they say, we
know that such attitudes are wrong.... So the conclusion is...that the great need at the moment is
to bring the theology of the church ‘up to date’, and into conformity with modern knowledge.
That, to me, is one of the most grievous departures from scriptural teaching that one can possibly
imagine.... It takes away entirely the claim of the Bible to be the final authority in all matters of
faith and conduct.... What is the new authority? Modern knowledge.... They are, of course, blind
to the fact that the logic of their position is that in fifty years’ time what they now assert
dogmatically will be proved to be wrong. Logically, their claims amount to this, that...there is no
such thing as right at all...” [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Life in the Spirit in Marriage, Home &
Work: An Exposition of Ephesians 5:18-6:9, p. 353-354]
“All children must look after their own upbringing. Parents can only give good advice or put them
on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.” [John
Bartlett, Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations quoted in Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy
Oxcart, p. 63]
GOOD NEWS!
We recently received two letters, which demonstrate why we are here, and which we hope will
encourage you, our readers.
One brother writes: “I wanted to share with you the joy the Lord has given me, over the past
year-and-a-half, of a developing relationship with a beautiful young woman.
As a recovering homosexual, this has been a great surprise and delight to me! Added to this was
my great joy in seeing my special friend become a Christian in January 2001. Wow!!
“After a number of depressed and barren years, the New Millennium has truly seen the Lord
extend His grace to me in some remarkable new ways. While I still struggle with same-sex
attractions, my newfound heterosexual desires are very much alive, and I now see marriage as a
real possibility for me. Up until two years ago, I never thought of myself and marriage in the
same sentence. But just as the Lord used me to help lead my girlfriend to faith in Jesus, He used
her to awaken Eros in me. What an awesome God we have!!
“Please pray for my continued recovery... I want to thank you for being there for me during
some particularly rough times. I cannot tell you how much your gentle love, hope, and words of
truth have meant to me, not to mention your newsletter and other available literature.
“I would encourage anyone struggling with homosexuality never to give up hope, because,
although the healing process can sometimes take many years, it is always, most certainly, worth
the wait. I will also say that becoming part of a support group three years ago was a decisive
factor in propelling my recovery forward, after many years of stagnation.
“May the God of incarnational, self-sacrificing love sustain you and continue to surprise you
with joy!”
Another brother, who was once actively involved in homosexuality but found freedom, sent us a
picture of himself, his wife, and their new baby boy! He wrote: “’To God be the glory, great
things He has done!”
“Enclosed is a pix of our little miracle gift from God. All is well with mother and child.
“A friend of mine in the lifestyle has really been coming around us lately and asking a lot of
questions. It’s only a matter of time before he will want to be free!! I’m praying he will want to
work the 14 steps. Hope all is well with you.
“Redeemed and loving it….”
“Once gay, always gay…”? These men, and hundreds like them, joyously proclaim, “That’s a
lie! We are no longer what we once were and are delighted with the change!”
All of you who have been faithful to pray for and give to this ministry have been helpers of their
joy. We thank you on their behalf.
Those of you who are walking the long and sometimes discouraging path to freedom want to
listen to them as they encourage you, “Keep on keeping on! What you are looking for may be
just over the next hill. Don’t turn back. On-ward!”
Family members and friends: take heart from these letters. God is not deaf! He hears your
prayers. Pray on! Keep learning all you can about homosexuality so that you will have the
answers your loved one needs as God answers those prayers at the right time. There is solid hope
in Christ. Press on!
Those of you who are considering recovery—listen to what these men tell you. Don’t neglect any
part of this program. Your way hasn’t worked in the past, has it? What makes you think it will
work in the future? Put your ways behind you and work a program that works, if you work it!
Why stay trapped any longer when Christ Himself reaches out with His nail-pierced hands
toward you and says, “Come... Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…and you shall find rest
for your souls” (Matthew 11:28-30). Won’t you answer that call today and every day till you
find what He has for you?
POINTS TO PONDER
“People often think of Christian morality as a kind of bargain in which God says, ‘If you keep a
lot of rules I’ll reward you, and if you don’t I’ll do the other thing.’… I would much rather say
that every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that
chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a
whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central
thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in
harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of
war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of
creature if heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means
madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is
progressing to the one state of the other.” [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 78-79]
“If people are willing to follow Christ, there is immense hope: hope in God’s forgiving grace, hope
in God’s love that is faithful even when we are not, and hope that God can give power so that we
are no longer mastered by the addiction.... Temptations will definitely come.... But it is an
experience that is common to all Christians... Furthermore, the temptation is resistible. God
promises grace to flee from it.... We have a natural tendency to set our hearts on ourselves, seeking
short-term pleasure and security rather than the glory of God. Ultimately, this selfish pleasureseeking...will...lead to our downfall. To avoid this destruction, God promises that...he will give us a
way of escape. In other words, there is no situation in which we are compelled to sin. We are
promised the strength to run from temptation...” [Edward T. Welch, Addictions: A Banquet in the
Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel, p. 138]
"A man's heart is right when he wills what God wills." [Thomas Aquinas in In Touch in Pulpit
Helps, (June 2002), p. 11]
“Idleness is the shipwreck of chastity.” [A Treasury of Essential Proverbs, p. 313]
DOES ANYONE IN THE CHURCH CARE?
One of the saddest verses in the entire Bible might be called the struggler’s lament. In Psalm 144:2
the psalmist weeps, “No man cared for my soul.”
It is not surprising that the man or woman seeking freedom from homosexuality would find no
support in the “gay” community. Especially those who struggle against their feelings because they
want to be true to Christ find that they are the objects of ridicule by many they had looked to as
friends.
What is tragic, however, is that these same strugglers too often meet with indifference and even
hostility from churches that claim to exist to feed Christ’s lambs.
Consider this letter we reprint with the author’s permission.
“For the last year I have attended a large, dynamic church with many ministries, including one
to help people struggling with addictions. Shortly after I began going there, they had a ministry
fair and the minister said, ‘If you see something we don’t have, tell us. Maybe we’ll start it.’
“I wrote to a counseling minister including some literature of HA and asked if they could start
something to help strugglers there. She never answered my letter.
“Three months after this, the minister said something about homosexuality and I wrote him and
told him of my letter to the counseling minister and her lack of response and asked if the church
could have a ministry to help people who struggle in this way and offered to give him the HA
videotape and workbook. He also never answered.
“I told my sister-in-law and said I had hoped that a large church like that would want to help HA
financially and she responded, ‘They don’t want to help out in that area. They just want it to go
away.’
“In your May 2 newsletter you requested the help of prayer warriors. I’m sorry to say that it seems
like the only people who care about homosexual strugglers are people like myself and yourselves
who have the struggle. This being the case, we really do need each other. I’d be interested in
trying to pray regularly from the special prayer letter. God bless you.”
There you have it: “No man cared for my soul.” Ministries that focus on helping people get free of
homosexuality, rather than battling in the political realm, find little help from most churches or
other Christian organizations. People who struggle know they dare not share their private battles
with others in church, for to do so would be to risk being despised and rejected.
An editor of Christianity Today writes, “...The ex-gay movement comprises many tiny ministries
operating in a kind of spread-out ghetto. The wider church has them in a quarantine, waiting to see
whether they will slip up. Lacking much tangible or emotional support from the larger body of
Christ, they are peculiarly vulnerable. The church’s quarantine could be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
People with homosexual desire need the church’s concern. Many desperately want help from a
church, but they are afraid to identify themselves for fear of being ostracized. Many congregations
know nothing about the needs of homosexuals, and many do not want to know. Ex-gay ministries
offer a way to respond. If the wider church were to embrace such ministries, it would see at close
range the realism of what they do. If the church keeps them at arm’s length, it will never know.
They will be weaker. The rest of us will be, too.’” [Tim Stafford, “Coming Out,” The Crisis of
Homosexuality, p. 75]
All of this hinders the healing of the homosexual. Dr. Elizabeth Moberly received her Ph.D. in
psychology from Oxford University. In her studies she found “that the homosexual—whether man
or woman—has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex...”
[Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 2] “The parent may or may not be culpable, but in
either case the child has genuinely been hurt. The difficulty arises when such hurt is accompanied
by an unwillingness to relate any longer to the love-source that has been experienced as hurtful....
Subsequent to this effect, the behavior of the same-sex parent becomes irrelevant since the child is
no longer able to relate normally to him or her. Even if love is offered, it cannot be received”
[Ibid., p. 4].
“Needs for love, from, dependency on, and identification with, the parent of the same are met
through the child’s attachment to the parent. If, however, the attachment is disrupted, the needs
that are normally met through the medium of such an attachment remain unmet” [Ibid., p. 5].
If these needs go unmet over a period of time, the child develops mixed and contradictory feelings
toward its same-sex parent and tries, through a process of detachment, to survive without the love
he or she deeply needs. The emotionally hurt youngster says of the same-sex parent, “I don’t want
to be like you.” These feelings are transferred to all members of the same sex much as a divorced
man may say, “All women are no good!” or a divorced woman may say, “All men are rotten!”
Thus the hurt child experiences at the same time a deep desire for intimacy with persons of the
same sex and a strong desire to flee such intimacy. When puberty comes, these feelings get
confused with erotic intimacy and a homosexual struggle begins.
Homosexual behavior is a mistaken attempt to meet a real need for non-sexual, same-sex, parentchild love. This need is falsely understood as sexual, but homosexual behavior actually lessens the
possibility of getting the real needs met because it involves guilt, deepens feelings of inferiority,
and increases the ambivalence experienced in same-sex relating. Dr. Earl D. Wilson notes, “The
anonymous sex which many homosexuals experience seems only to strengthen the reparative urge
and leave the person more desperate” [Counseling and Homosexuality, p. 59].
What can be done to resolve the problem? Dr. Moberly says, “It is the provision of good same-sex
relationships that helps meet unmet same-sex needs, heals defects in the relational capacity, and in
this way, forwards the healing process” (op. cit., p. 42). “Love is the basic problem, the great need,
and the only true solution. If we are willing to seek and to mediate the healing and redeeming love
of Christ, then healing for the homosexual will become a great and glorious reality” [Ibid., p. 52].
The church’s failure to care deeply for homosexual strugglers by either telling them to do as they
please, or being indifferent, makes finding freedom terribly and unnecessarily difficult. Even
Christians may feel, “If my same-sex parent, who was supposed to represent God, did not show
care for me, and if the church, which is the body of Christ, does not show care, how can I believe
God cares? I know the Bible says He does, and I try to believe it, but all I’ve experienced from
those who were supposed to show me what God was like runs contrary to what Scripture seems to
teach. It makes it so difficult!”
John Stott writes, “At the heart of the homosexual condition is a deep loneliness, the natural human
hunger for mutual love, a search for identity, and a longing for completeness. If homosexual
people cannot find these things in the local ‘church family,’ we have no business to go on using
that expression.” [Same-Sex Partnerships? p. 81]
How much love, care, and support do Christians struggling to find freedom from unwanted
homosexual feelings or behavior get from you and your church? As the Lord Jesus examines you
on your care for these folk, can He say, “Well done, good and faithful servant”, or will some other
verdict be necessary?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"I...know this: Ex-gay ministry is of God. Lives are being changed. Those blinded by sexual abuse
see again. Those lamed by sexual brokenness walk again. Those who were dead in their sins are
raised in Christ. Churches which are too dysfunctional to get on with this ministry will become a
thing of the past..." [Robert L. Kuyper, Transforming Congregations, (January-March, 1999), p. 4]
“I believe the Christian community today needs...to become part of the healing process. For too
long, we have shot our wounded with shame rather than offering the healing arms of Christ’s
grace and understanding. The time to pretend that Christians are perfect is over. It needs to be
okay for Christians to struggle through problems and deep hurts in order to heal.” [Earl R.
Henslin, The Way Out of the Wilderness, p. xi]
“The church is not made up of spiritual giants; only broken men can lead others to the Cross.”
[Davis J. Bosch, A Spirituality of the Road quoted in Richard A. Kauffman, “The Church,”
Christianity Today, (January 2005), p. 64]
“The first principle of Christian conduct is to promote the glory of God; the second is to avoid
giving offense, or causing men to sin. In other words, love to God and love to men should govern all
our conduct.” [Charles Hodge, An Exposition of the First Epistle to the Corinthians, p. 202-203]
"Unfortunately, discussions about homosexuality have successfully been relegated to only the
promotion of its acceptance, rather than the release of the captives." [Dan Puumala, Outpost News,
(June 2000), p. 1]
“...There’s a difference between struggling with a sin and cherishing it. You may genuinely desire to
forgive another person. In your mind you have said many times, ‘I forgive her,’ yet your corrupt
heart keeps bringing it up. You cry out to God to change you, but for some reason He allows you to
keep struggling. That is not cherishing sin: that is warring against it.” [Jerry Bridges, The Joy of
Fearing God, p. 243]
A CALL TO REPENTANCE
Many, reading that heading might expect a call to those who struggle with homosexuality to
repent. While it is true that strugglers need to turn from sin to Christ, a verse in the Bible points
in another direction: “If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and
pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will
forgive their sin, and will heal their land” (II Chronicles 7:14).
This is a call to all who profess to be Christians and to every church which says “Jesus is Lord”
to examine themselves and see where they may need to repent.
A wonderful woman, who has never struggled with same-sex attractions, but who has a heart for
those who do, writes that Christians have “publicly and privately said things about persons with
same-sex attractions which are simply un-Christian, and for this we need to demonstrate our real
repentance. Sincere repentance is not only necessary if we want to be on God’s side in this, it is
also essential for us to be credible, be-cause [those who struggle know] our sins in the matter and
hold them against us.
“Yes, homosexual acts are objectively sinful, but none of us ‘chooses’ our temptations. They
didn’t choose their feelings. Most of them have no idea why this happened to them and not their
brother or sister. They wanted to be like other people, but they always felt ‘different.’ It was our
job to be there with information, with real help, and with prayer—and we failed!
“It is our fault that in 1963, when therapists knew how to prevent and treat same-sex attraction,
we didn’t care. We knew who was homosexual and we left them in their glass closets. We
abandoned them to their suffering. They lived through years of teasing, humiliations, lies,
rejection, and shame. Of course ‘coming out’ feels to them like a solution. Acceptance feels
better than rejection. But ‘coming out’ is really giving up hope. Why did they give up hope?
Because we never gave them solid reasons to hope. We just added to their shame until the burden
became unbearable. Most of all we didn’t pray for them as we should have....
“We must not be afraid to confess our past failures. We must rededicate ourselves to prayer and
to sharing our hope... It is not what we are against that shapes who we are, but what we are for....
We are for reality, for truth, and for love.” [Heartbeat News #32, (May 3, 2004), p. 1,2]
Wonderful words—but are they true?
Are they true of you? When was the last time you specifically remember-ed a homosexual
person or a homosexual struggler in prayer? When did you last reach out in love to someone
struggling with this problem? Have you been faithful to give to those ministries that are trying to
help such men and women find freedom? When did you last give? How much did you give last
year? Can you really say that you care for these men and women as much as Christ cares for
them?
Are those words true of your church? When was the last time you heard heartfelt prayer from the
pulpit for those trapped in homosexuality? How would those who struggle be received if they
came to your church? What portion of your church’s budget is earmarked to help them out of the
pit in which they find themselves or to help those who are seeking to help them?
And so I ask, “Do you need to repent? Does the church—your church—need to repent? How will
that repentance show itself in life? What will the fruits of it be? Will you repent? When?”
--John J., Reading, PA
POINTS TO PONDER
“...Jesus said that he had not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance. So we
shouldn’t be surprised to find a number of unhealthy people in churches. My father was found of
saying that the church was not ‘a club-house for saints, but a hospital for sinners.” [Garrett
Keizer, The Enigma of Anger, p. 212]
"Archaeological studies confirm that the ancient world knew of homosexual desire and practice...
Thus it is striking that every time homosexual practice is mentioned in the Scriptures, it is
condemned. There are only two ways one can neutralize the biblical witness against homosexual
behavior: by gross misinterpretation or by moving away from a high view of Scripture.... The only
way to neutralize the biblical witness against homosexual behavior is either grossly to misrepresent
the Bible or to undermine its authority." [Dr. Stanton L. Jones, "The Loving Opposition,"
Christianity Today, (July 19, 1993), p. 20,24]
"In this superficial twentieth century we have a very easy way of disposing of the facts we don't like
to believe. We say, 'I don't believe this,' and we think that does away with the fact. Men who do
not want to believe in hell say, 'I don't believe in hell,' and they think that they have shut the gates of
hell by saying that. Men who don't want to believe in the Bible say, 'I don't believe in the Bible,'
and they think that they annihilate the Book that has stood for nineteen centuries by saying that.
Men who do not want to believe in Christ say, 'I do not believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God,'
and they think by their not believing it He ceases to be the Son of God. Has it never occurred to you
that a fact is a fact whether you believe it or not?... Denying a fact does not alter a fact, and denying
that Jesus is the Son of God does not alter the fact that He is the Son of God. It only makes you
guilty of robbing a divine Person of the honor that is His due." [R. A. Torrey, Revival Addresses, p.
174-175]
"People cannot change truth, but truth can change people." [Pulpit Helps, (July 2000), p. 16]
“Sin is not just breaking a few rules: sin is an audacious attempt to put ourselves above God and
everyone else. We are at war with reality; no wonder there are casualties on all sides.” [Ron Julian,
Righteous Sinners, p. 72]
“...I have some bad news and some good news for you. The bad news is that Satan is very real
and he is out to get you. The good news is that because Jesus has come, Satan is a defeated foe.
As someone has said, ‘The dragon has been slain, but his tail still swishes.’” [Steve Brown, If
Jesus Has Come, p. 61]
“Where God has his church, the Devil will have his chapel.” [Spanish proverb in Powerful
Thinking for Powerful Living, p. 51]
HOME REJOICING!
Many people labor under the mistaken notion that homosexuality cannot be changed—"once gay,
always gay." But I found out otherwise in 1992, when God sent someone into my life who would
prove instrumental in bringing me out of lesbianism.
I considered myself a classic born-that-way lesbian, tragic and romantic, and no one could tell me
anything. I was very masculine, rough talking, and hot-tempered. I was proud of the fact that I
didn't own a single dress, and I often wore men's neckties with my tailored shirts and jackets.
Because I was also tall, I was frequently addressed as 'Sir' by busy clerks and bus drivers, a gaffe
that always hurt and enraged me. I took it very personally, apparently forgetting that it was my own
choice of apparel that had invited the mistake.
This was my protective covering. I had learned as a child that it was dangerous to be a girl, why my
older cousin molested me repeatedly. My mother told me, too, that I should have been a boy, and I
think I was trying to give her what she wanted. My father provided little leadership in the family,
and I believed I could be a better man than he.
My parents were abusive drinkers, and sometimes, when they had been especially difficult, my
grandmother would take me and my sister into her quiet, cool room. She would turn off the lights
and we would listen to Grandma's 'religious programs,' with the soft glow of the old Philco radio as
our only illumination. We loved 'Brother Ralph,' and we gladly put our hands on the radio when he
invited us to welcome Jesus into our hearts. Decades later, those seeds that our loving grandmother
sowed would yield a wonderful crop.
When I was in my early teens, I read a strange book called The Well of Loneliness, Radclyffe Hall's
1928 novel about a lesbian, and it had a profound effect on me. It seemed to give shape and
definition to the nebulous feelings that swept through me night and day, powerful romantic longings
that fastened on other girls and especially on women teachers. I had no one in whom to confide my
confusion, no one who could answer my questions. It was 1953, and people didn't talk about such
things. Other books followed that first one, and I stuffed a lot of lurid misinformation into my head.
I began wearing heavy boots and cut my hair short, and when I was old enough, I joined the Air
Force. Then I traversed the country from Maine to Texas for a few years, working at various jobs. I
landed in jail for a time--pills, alcohol, and bad checks. That shocked me enough to give my life
some direction, and I began college in 1963, working my way through. By 1971, I had earned three
degrees and racked up more than a dozen 'relationships.' Every time, driven by a powerful
emotional dependency, I had thought and vowed that it was true love and would last forever. I had
rings, keepsakes, photographs, and broken dreams, but I still believed that Miss Right was just
around the corner, perhaps in the next bar or at the next party.
After 13 years as an English professor, I began to do legal editing for a large law firm. That was
where I was when Sara came into my life, the divinely appointed border collie that would nip at my
heels and drive me up and out of the box canyon where I had gotten myself stuck. Sara was hired
by my law firm; she was twenty years younger than I and in many ways very innocent, but God
knew what He was doing when He sent her my way. She had a mind of her own and a fair that
could not be shaken. I was used to running roughshod over others, but I couldn't do that with her.
She was smart, she was funny, she was godly, and she was out-spoken. I couldn't help liking her,
but at the same time I thought she was the most frustrating, narrow-minded young woman I had
ever known.
Because we did the same kind of work, we were thrown together constantly, and more often than
not, the office resembled a battlefield. We disagreed about many things, but mostly about
homosexuality. And yet, we became friends. I had warned Sara that she was going to get talked
about if she spent time with me, but she had set her jaw and told me plainly that she belonged to
Christ and that He hadn't given her permission not to be friends with me. I considered myself just
as good a Christian as Sara--maybe even better, because I didn't have what I thought of as her selfrighteous, legalistic approach to things. I would argue that God created homosexuals because He
liked diversity, or that He wanted to see how people would treat each other, or that He had cast
homosexuals as the new Samaritans, to challenge Christian's ethics. Sara would look at me calmly
and maintain that He hadn't created homosexuals--that He had created us as males and females, but
that some of us had wandered willfully off to do as we wished. Sara's authority, and the only one
she would recognize, was the Bible. About that time, I did a dangerous thing: I asked God pointblank what the truth was. Were those verses in the Bible meant to apply to me, or was the world
different now? Had He made me this way? If so, why would He call my kind of love an
abomination? Little did I know that I was setting irresistible forces in motion when I asked those
questions.
When Sara invited me to Bible Study Fellowship, I was insulted and indignant. I insisted that I had
been studying the Bible before she was born and that I had suffered more slings and arrows from
Christians than from any other group. But she wouldn't take no for an answer. I attended the
classes for a few weeks, but they seemed to precipitate a spiritual crisis. I began to be tense and
anxious on those evenings, and the hymn we sang made me cry. They reminded me of my
grandmother. I began to wonder what she would say if she could see me now. I couldn't stand
thinking about it, and I was determined to put the whole matter behind me. Sara had her opinions
and I had mine, and we were never going to agree.
I dropped out of Sara's Bible study and began to build a wall of defense between us. I was tired, and
I wanted the peace of mind I thought I had had before. All through the winter of 1993 and 1994, I
sought that peace, but I couldn't find it. In an attempt to put the issue to rest, I began to raid the
county library. I read statements on homosexuality from all the mainline churches. Some said that
love in all its forms was holy to the Lord. Others said that Scripture never casts homosexuality in a
favorable light regardless of the circumstances. The Bible-believing churches maintained that incest
hadn't changed, bestiality hadn't changed, homosexuality hadn't changed, and God certainly hadn't
changed.
Then I began reading books by Christian counselors. I was both intrigued and depressed by a
suggestion put forth by several writers: that homosexuality was rooted in a disordered relationship
with the same-sex parent. I realized with something of a shock that in most cases, if not every case,
the gay people I knew had had deep trouble of one kind or another with the same-sex parent.
Including me. And I learned that a great many lesbians had suffered sexual abuse in childhood.
Including me. My life read like a classic recipe for lesbianism.
My overwhelming reaction to the new information and the old memories was shame. All my life I
had schooled myself to believe I was special, a proud member of an elite 'third sex,' and now I was
faced with a picture of myself as a victim and, when you get right down to it, as a case of arrested
development--a little girl who needed her mother. I was mortified. And I was angry. I went to bed
angry, I dreamed angry dreams about my parents, and I woke up angry. But as I studied, I learned
that it wasn't my needs that were wrong—only the ways in which I had been trying to fill those
needs.
God seemed to be silent. Sometimes I felt rebellious, sometimes just very much alone. At last, in
the darkest of those dark days, I crept to the only place left for me--the foot of the cross. I was worn
out, defeated, and ready to surrender. I offered the Lord the only thing I had and the very last thing
I wanted to give: unconditional obedience. I know now that obedience is in many ways the key to
everything. But at that time, I had no hope of being delivered from homosexuality. I didn't ask to
be made straight; I asked to be made obedient. I asked for the grace to live chastely for the rest of
my life. That would be enough.
I still didn't understand the conflict between my feelings and God's commandments, but neither had
Jesus' words made sense to Peter when he was told to let down his nets one more time (Luke 5:5).
Like Peter, puzzled and tired, I said, "Nevertheless, at Your word," and like Peter, I began drawing
in a very great catch of blessings.
I went back to Sara's Bible study and found a loving home there. I began learning how to be a
godly woman and how to look like one. I was being made new inside and out. Now when I look
back on my life, I seem to be looking at the life of a stranger.
I received much more than I had asked for. Yes, I received the grace of obedience and chastity, but
I also received a new birth within and a mending of what had been broken. I have learned to accept
God's will for me and His plan for me, and I have become comfortable with being the woman He
made me to be. I often think of the verse of a particular hymn because it so clearly depicts my life:
"Perverse and foolish, oft I strayed,
Yet in love He sought me,
And on His shoulder gently laid
And home rejoicing brought me."
I thank Him with all my heart for His great goodness to me!
--Karen L.
POINTS TO PONDER
“You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” [Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living, 1960,
in First Ladies Quotation Book, p. 5]
“Since temptation always begins with a thought, the quickest way to neutralize its allure is to
turn your attention to something else. Don’t fight the thought, just change the channel of your
mind and get interested in another idea. This is the first step in defeating temptation. The Battle
for sin is won or lost in your mind. Whatever gets your attention will get you.” [Rick Warren,
The Purpose Driven Life, p. 210]
PAIN-FREE AT LAST!
My childhood was marred by my mother's psychological problems and her fascination with tarot
cards and ouija boards. I was extremely afraid of my mother. She had an inner rage that translated
into physical abuse. Her temper was unpredictable. I never knew when an abusive episode might
come.
I remember my first day at kindergarten. I was told to bathe myself for the occasion. As I sat in the
tub, I tried desperately to wrap my little five-year-old hands around the bar of soap. It kept slipping
from my hands. My mother grew agitated and began to hit me in the face again and again. I sat in
the tub terrified, afraid to move. When I opened my eyes and looked down, I noticed the water had
a reddish tint. I was bleeding. The abuse continued for many years.
My problems at home began to show in my school performance. My father stepped in as
disciplinarian and forced me to stand in front of him while he flashed multiplication cards at me. If
I answered wrong, he would slap me across my face. These sessions would go on for hours. My
brothers laughed and I was called an idiot daily. I felt alone and helpless. I wanted someone to
make everything right. I wanted comfort, but didn't know where to look.
My only solace was food. My weight gain embarrassed and infuriated my parents and led to more
taunting from my brothers. I began to look at myself with disgust. I swallowed a handful of my
mother's valiums in an unsuccessful suicide attempt.
Finally, I created my own sanctuary. I was confused about my sexuality and determined to explore
my secret feelings and attractions. I decided God must have created me gay and determined to find
contentment in gay bars and through gay alliances. I felt a belonging, but was still in pain and
turned to drugs to help me forget.
One day a woman I had been seeing introduced me to a male friend of hers. He was attractive,
intelligent, attentive, and very concerned about me. I found myself drawn to this man, but my
feelings seemed bizarre. How could I, a lesbian, feel like this about a man? I had to make a choice.
I decided to move in with him. Living with a man was different, but oddly enough it felt normal.
We were together for seven years. He helped me break my addiction to drugs. We had a baby girl.
I was so happy. I thought our relationship would last forever, but he began drinking and alcohol
soon took priority over me, our daughter, our future. We tried to reconcile, but nothing worked.
The relationship was over.
My parents had become Christians and their lives were forever changed. I moved back home and
the Lord began speaking to my heart. He helped me find a job and furnish an apartment. He took
care of all the problems around me to give me the opportunity to work on my emotional issues, but I
was intimidated by my Heavenly Father's gentle prodding and the thought of facing myself terrified
me. I didn't want to feel the pain of self-discovery, so I chose to ignore the Lord's voice!
I began repeating old behaviors. I latched onto my cousin who was gay and he reintroduced me to
the ways I had left. Then one night, at a party, I met Beatrice. We exchanged phone numbers and
began seeing each other.
The relationship was stormy. I'd always said I would never allow anger to rule me as it had my
mother, but as Beatrice grew more and more verbally abusive, my hidden anger began to unfold.
Then, one night during a huge altercation, I shot her. She died on the scene. I was charged with
murder and sentenced to forty years in prison.
God used this terrible sin to draw me closer to Himself. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and
Savior in jail. I still struggled with homosexuality but found help through a godly prison chaplain
and through the literature and pen pal program of HA.
I've been in prison for seven years now, but I'm free! I cannot fix the irreversible damage I've done,
but my prayer is that someone else who is confused, as I was, will read my story and look to Christ
while there is still time. I've found that through Jesus Christ hurts can be healed, offenses can be
forgiven, weaknesses can become strengths, and life can be eternal! Won't you let Jesus show all
this to you too?
--Robin F.
POINTS TO PONDER
"In women, the most common factor influencing homosexual attractions is a mistrust of male
love. This lack of trust or safe feeling with those of the opposite sex usually results from hurts with
the father or with other important males, or from observing the father mistreat the mother....
"The second most common cause of same-sex attractions in women is a weak feminine identity.
This can originate from a lack of warmth in the mother relationship, rejection by female peers when
young, or a negative body image.
"Both mistrust of male love and a weak feminine identity can be treated successfully." [Peter
Rudegeair, "Questions and Answers about Same-Sex Attractions," NARTH Bulletin, (August 2000),
p. 24]
"People think if you're not sexually active you are less than whole. That's part of the whole
homosexual debate—because I've got a sexual yearning, it must come from God. And if it comes
from God, he wants me to use it. But people are more than sexual beings. Much of the debate about
sex has reduced people to their sexuality. That's true whether they're gay or heterosexual." [M. Craig
Barnes in Leadership, (Fall 1999), p. 69]
“God does not expect perfection from His children. If He did, He would not have provided grace!
Ours is a down-to-earth faith that is meant to be worked out in the trenches of life with the
support—not the condemnation—of a healing community.” [Earl R. Henslin, The Way Out of the
Wilderness, p. 120]
"Our personal problems are rooted in disconnection, from God because of our arrogance and from
others because of our fear and selfishness. The cure is connection." [Larry J. Crabb, Jr. and Dan B.
Allender, Hope When You're Hurting, p. 184-185]
“He is not fit to command others, that cannot command himself.” [A Treasury of Essential
Proverbs, p. 61]
ARE YOU READING?
Dr. D. Charles Williams, a Christian psychologist, writes: "In working with homosexuals, my
experience is that they can make a shift in sexual orientation if they are interested and motivated....
Changing their sexual orientation will be perhaps the hardest thing they ever try to do." [Forever a
Father, Always a Son, p. 160]
Too many of us hope there is that "easier, softer way" that all step-groups warn does not exist. As
AA puts it, "Half measures availed us nothing." In other words, "You gotta work!" Sloth is still
one of the "seven deadly sins" and it is folly to expect God to bless it!
To help people find freedom, HA has developed and is constantly working to improve a program
which might be likened to a three-legged stool. Leg 1 involves group support through chapter
meetings and church fellowship. Leg 2 involves personal attention through step-coaching and/or
professional counseling where needed and possible. Leg 3 involves individual effort through
working the workbook, reading, and journaling. What happens to someone trying to sit on a threelegged stool if one of the legs is missing? Crash!
Leg 3--especially reading--is what we are considering here. Reading is important because group
meetings tend to be general and cannot give enough time to work through individual problems.
Step coaching deals with the mechanics of the program and the problems you and your step-coach
perceive you need to work through. What about any problems that might be missed? Reading can
catch areas passed over in group and step-coaching and reinforce (how quickly we forget!) lessons
learned. Every major recovery group says reading is a major part of recovery.
Nor is this just some idea of recovery groups. Spurgeon, commenting on II Timothy 4:13, writes:
"Even an apostle must read.... He is inspired, and yet he wants books! He has been preaching at
least for thirty years, and yet he wants books! He had had a wider experience than most men, and
yet he wants books! He had been caught up into the third heaven and had heard things which it was
unlawful for a man to utter, and yet he wants books! The apostle says..., 'Give thyself unto reading'
(I Timothy 4:13). The man who never reads will never be read; he who never quotes will never be
quoted. He who will not use the thoughts of other men's brains, proves that he has no brains of his
own.... You need to read.... You may get much instruction from books which afterwards you may
use as a true weapon in your Lord and Master's service. Paul cries, 'Bring the books'--join the cry."
John Wesley, in a letter to George Holder, November 8, 1790, stated, "It cannot be that the people
should grow in grace unless they give themselves to reading. A reading people will always be a
knowing people. A people who talk much will know little. Press this upon them with all your
might; and you will soon see the fruit of your labors."
J. Keith Miller writes: "When I was a young boy, a wise older person once told me that the only
doorway to the unconscious center of my heart was through my conscious mind. She said that in
order to be a wise and sensitive man when I grew up I should put 'wise and sensitive' things in my
mind every day, and that they would seep into my heart. 'One of the main ways you can "take
things in,"' she said, 'is to read something enriching every day.'"
Evelyn Underhill said: "Spiritual reading is, or at least can be, second only to prayer as a developer
and support of the inner life."
The importance of reading is not something seen merely by preachers and mystics. George Gallup,
the famous pollster, says: "Based upon a good many years of devoted study of the public's reading
habits, I am convinced that unless an individual spends at least one hour and forty-five minutes a
day reading newspapers, magazines and books, he is not going to achieve much success in life. In
other words, leaders are readers; readers are feeders; readers are seeders. Our output is in ratio to
our input."
Marian Wright Edelman states: "College pays and is a fine investment. It doubles your chance of
getting a job over a high school graduate. But don't think you can park there or relegate your mind's
and soul's growth to what you have learned or will learn at school. Read. Not just what you have to
read for class or work, but to learn from the wisdom and joys and mistakes of others."
As Abraham Lincoln put it, "Clearly, books can be forces for both good and bad... Books are
dynamic and powerful instruments, tools and weapons."
Consider these thoughts: "Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body." --Andre Mairaux
"A book may be as great a thing as a battle." --Benjamin Disraeli "I am a part of all that I have
read." --John Milton "A room without books is like a body without a soul." --Cicero "The man
who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them." --Mark Twain
All of this is to say that if you want to recover, you need to read books that will help you do so.
"What if someone cannot read or is learning disabled?" you may protest. They are severely
handicapped in recovery as in every other area of life. The time of their recovery is lengthened and
the chances of it are lessened. Recovery is not impossible for them (God sometimes grants
supernatural aid to those who cannot help themselves), but it is more difficult. You, however,
probably can read (perhaps with effort) and are probably not learning disabled. You surely cannot
expect God to bless lack of effort (which usually means one does not really want what he or she
says they want). God answers the heart, not just words. What are you to do?
Where are you in your recovery? Are you just starting on the road to freedom? Then may I suggest
you read several books from the HA Book Ministry list under the heading "FOR THOSE
WANTING TO GIVE OR RECEIVE HELP WITH HOMOSEXUALITY". Be sure you have the
HA workbook, Lord, Set Me Free! and try to do a question in it every day. Be sure to follow the
suggestions at the end of each chapter on how to work the step. Be certain to also read the book
Experience, Strength and Hope. These two books will give you a good beginning. Then read a few
more (if you need help to select one which might profit you, don't hesitate to call the office for
suggestions) and you are ready to proceed.
If you are further along, what step are you working on in the workbook? Look at the list under that
step in the HA Book Ministry list and select a book that deals with an area you need to work on. Do
try to read at least 10 pages every day. If that's impossible for you, try 5, but set a goal and stick to
it. You'll be amazed six months from now at the progress you've made and the help you've found.
After all, as George William Curtis has said, "Books are the ever-burning lamps of accumulated
wisdom."
--John J.
BAD NEWS; SAD NEWS
“For years the public has been told that consistent, proper condom use will reduce the risk of
acquiring sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). In public sex education classes and in countless
other forums, we have been told that sex outside of marriage is ‘inevitable’ and that ‘safe sex’ via
proper condom use should be promoted. Chief among those advocating this ‘safe sex’ solution
have been the National Institutes of Health (NIH) and the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention (CDC).
“We now know that this ‘safe sex/condom’ message was based not on scientific evidence, but on
theoretical models evidently influenced by a false hope that condoms would prove to be effective.
In July of this year the NIH released a report, based on over 100 clinical studies, which concludes
that there is no scientific proof that condoms prevent the transmission of most STDs.
“Needless to say, this information was not brought to our attention by the local media. CCV
learned of this report through a release from the Annals of Pharmacotherapy, whose most recent
issue featured two articles that review the NIH report and discuss its implications.
“Thomas Fitch, MD, a pediatrician from San Antonio and a panel member of the government
work-shop that created the report, provides an insider’s perspective on the findings of the report.
He concludes his article by encouraging health care professionals to counsel the public based on
the truth about condom safety reflected in this report.
“The second article, written by Gene Rudd, MD, Associate Executive Director, Christian Medical
and Dental Associations, describes how past assumptions of condom effectiveness and the
availability of ‘safe sex’ have misled many, causing suffering and even death as a result of
‘condom propaganda.’ He concludes his article as follows: ‘So what should we now conclude
about safe sex? Since condoms are not the answer, what should we advise? The answer is
something that societies of past generations knew and advocated—life-long monogamy. Most
people called it marriage—abstinence before and faithfulness within. This safe sex theory has a
proven track record for personal and public health.’” You can get copies of the above-mentioned
articles by writing Citizens for Community Values, 11175 Reading Road, Ste. 103, Cincinnati, OH
45241. [“Condom Myth Exposed,” Citizens’ Courier, (Fall 2001), p. 7, used with permission.]
To understand the gravity of this for those who struggle, consider these words by Dr. Richard
Fitzgibbons: "For twenty years I have journeyed beside courageous men and women as they have
struggled toward freedom from same-sex attraction disorder (SSAD). This disorder can enslave a
person much as a powerful drug can, and the results are often fatal. Research indicates that 50
percent of men with same-sex attractions will be HIV-positive by age fifty, the majority will have
more than twenty sexual partners per year, and less than 9 percent of those with same-sex attractions
will have relationships that last more than three years....
"Despite the claims that extensive educational programs, coupled with widespread use of condoms,
have contained the epidemic among men who have sex with men, the majority of men in the
homosexual lifestyle will become HIV-positive, in part because almost 40 percent engage in unsafe
sexual practices. Several studies have been done recently on high-risk behavior among adolescent
males who have sex with men. The results are alarming because, though almost all adolescents are
aware of the risk, 38 percent engage in unprotected sex. The fruit of this behavior is sadly
predictable; in one study, nine percent of homosexual males between the ages of twenty and twentytwo were already HIV-positive." ["The Origins and Therapy of Same-Sex Attraction Disorder,"
Homosexuality and American Public Life, p. 85-86]
Why are such risks taken? Dr. Earl Wilson gives an answer as he tells of a homosexual counselee
he calls Bill who told him, "In my world, if you are not good-looking you are nothing." This same
man said later, "Do you see why AIDS is not a major concern for me? I'm getting older and my
body isn't as attractive as it used to be. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't matter if I die early because
by the time I am thirty I'm dead anyway. I won't be attractive to the people that matter to me and I
am not sure I can handle the rejection." [Counseling and Homosexuality, p. 26-27]
“As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but
rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn!... Why will you die...?” [Ezekiel 33:11 NIV]
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Our culture sends numerous messages through all forms of media to each of us every day that say,
'If you feel general uneasiness or tension, it must be the result of sexual desire.' There is almost an
automatic response in some people to conclude, 'I feel restless, so I must need sexual intercourse.'
The root, however, is not a need for sexual release but a need for emotional intimacy." [Charles
Stanley, Our Unmet Needs, p. 52]
“For all the efforts to pursue happiness, and fulfillment, and equality, and justice...the measurable
happiness indicators continue to drop in our culture. In other words, the pursuit of happiness is
resulting in even greater unhappiness. Comparing our current culture to just 50 years ago...divorce
was lower, literacy was higher (though not as many went to college), petty crime was lower, serious
crime was lower, illegitimacy was lower, drug use was lower, suicide was lower. Our current state
is cause for concern.” [Abundant Living Ministries, (April 2004), p. 1]
"...Sin fascinates and then assassinates." [Adrian Rogers in Pulpit Helps, (March 2001), p. 1]
"A 1994 article in Omega Journal of Death and Dying, based on obituaries of homosexual men who
died of non-AIDS causes, reported they died at age 42, while AIDS victims died at age 39.
Lesbians had a median age of death of 44. Why? Both men and women exhibited high rates of
violent death by accidents, suicide and murder and women had high rate of cancer." [Mike
McManus, "Is homosexuality genetically determined?" Reading Eagle/Reading Times, (July 25,
1998), p. A10]
“For of all sad words of tongues or pen
The saddest are these: It might have been.”
[John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892) in My Favorite Quotations, p. 128]
“Lean liberty is better than fat slavery.” [A Treasury of Essential Proverbs, p. 318]
A “GAY” TRAGEDY
To review of Barney Hoskyns’ Montgomery Clift: Beautiful Loser is to conclude that to use the
word “gay” to describe homosexuality is a terrible abuse of language. The real question is, can
those who struggle with homosexuality learn from Clift’s tragic story?
Clift was one of our great actors. “He was mesmerizing to watch in Red River and A Place in the
Sun, in From Here to Eternity and The Young Lions” [p. 8]. Yet, when he died, aged 46, “he was
an uninsurable, unemployable joke” [p. 8]. Why?
“Monty’s decline began, unsurprisingly, in his childhood” [p. 18]. His mother, Ethel, known
throughout her life as “Sunny”, “had an extremely unhappy and disturbed childhood, one she
spent her adult life trying to resolve in ways that had direct and catastrophic effects on her three
children” [p. 18]. She was the illegitimate daughter of a girl from a rich Yankee family in
Maryland who gave her up for adoption on the orders of her tyrannical grandmother, Eliza
Anderson, and “was to spend her life attempting to heal the wounds of abandonment, becoming
ever more obsessed with the need to be recognized and acknowledged by the aristocratic
Andersons” [p. 18].
Charles Fogg, the head of the family, with whom she was placed, was an alcoholic, and Sunny
became “an archetypal Adult Child of an Alcoholic” desperately striving for self-improvement.
Unfortunately she drove her children in the same relentless way, seeking to win the approval of the
family who gave her away [p. 18]. “In fact, she was still striving to gain legal acknowledgement
from the Andersons in 1972, when she was eighty four” [p. 23]. Her oldest son, Brooks, said, “She
can only accept and understand people... who will say and do exactly what she wants. She is a true
Machiavelli—a manipulator—unscrupulous—and a very tragic person” [p. 21].
Monty’s father, Bill, was “a peripheral figure” in the Clift family, “a gentle, reserved Southerner”
who did “little apart from slaving to earn the money Sunny required to put into action her...plan
for” their three children: Brooks and the twins, Roberta and Monty [p. 19]. He “was a docile,
henpecked workaholic who sat on the sidelines while Sunny forced the three children to read
Shakespeare and conjugate Latin verbs” [p. 20]. “’Monty always thought of Bill as sort of weak
and helpless compared to his mother,’ remembered actor friend Billy Le Massena” [p. 20]. “For
long periods Bill was alone in America, pining for the children Sunny was dragging around Europe
for the purposes of edification and enlightenment” [p. 19].
Edward Montgomery Clift was born on October 17, 1920, in Omaha, Nebraska. After his twin sister had
been delivered, his mother was reported to have screamed, “No! I don’t want another child, not now, not
ever...” [p. 19].
After growing up traveling around the world, Monty found he loved to act and got his first
theatrical break in a summer stock company in 1933. He continued acting with ever increasing
success on the stage, continuing to be dominated by his mother who “deluged him with presents,
only to reproach him for anything less than unconditional filial devotion” [p. 32]. One observer
noted, “Mrs. Clift was Monty’s girlfriend, his mother, his everything” [p. 33]
Monty was hypersensitive. One of his movie directors, Edward Dmytryk, noted, “If someone kicks a dog
ten miles away, Monty feels it... Every cruelty, every indecency pains him. He seems to take the world
on his shoulders” [p. 124].
At least one friend, actor Duane McKinney, “surmised that Monty must have had ‘some terrible
scare when he was young...he acts about sex as if he were looking at an escalator and saw other
people riding up and down but did not know how to get on’” [p. 26].
When Monty was eighteen, he and thirty-year-old Lehman Engel, “plump, cultured and gay”
embarked on a trip to Mexico together “and began a full-blown affair” [p. 34]. Monty contracted
amoebic dysentery that led to acute colitis, which required years of treatment. By the time Monty
and Engel returned from Mexico, the “affair was already on the wane...” [p. 34].
Hoskyns notes that, as with many gay men, Monty’s “best friends until his death were mainly
women, but he could not desire them physically…” [p. 34]. Thus, in 1940, Monty was close
enough to actress Phyllis Thaxter to discuss marriage while con-ducting a discrete affair with a
fellow actor behind her back [p. 36,39]. Elizabeth Taylor, one of his closest friends until his death,
complained that “Monty would one moment be playing the ‘ardent male’ with her, fanning her
desperate hopes that he would fall in love with her, only to appear the next with ‘some boy’ he had
picked up” [p. 88]. Judy Balaban, daughter of Paramount president Barney Balaban, “allowed
herself to be lulled into a fantasy of love by Monty: little did she knew that he was saving his
sexual appetite for an aspiring young movie actor” [p. 96].
Monty’s neediness showed itself in other ways. He became friends with Fred and Jeanne Green in
Los Angeles and often stayed with them. “Jeanne never forgot how Monty would wander
disconsolately into their bedroom in the middle of the night saying: ‘It’s cold and lonely out there.’
Minutes later he would be tucked up between them, fast asleep” [p. 53].
In an early interview, Monty talked “reverentially” about actors Alfred Lunt and Dudley Digges,
for “in such men he was seeking the strong, dependable father he never had” [p. 46]. Much later,
when Lunt saw Monty in Paris for the first time in several years, Monty collapsed in an elevator in
a drunken stupor. Lunt broke off all contact with his former admirer [p. 142].
By late 1948, “the first faint glimmers of Monty’s self-destructiveness became perceptible... Billy
Le Massena noticed that his drinking was more pronounced, and his libido was soon out of control
too. Rumors flew around that he had been spotted in gay bars and bathhouses, and his lawyer only
just managed to hush up a scandal when he was arrested for trying to pick up a boy” [p. 71]. He
became close friends with torch singer Libby Holman and together they ingested “prodigious
quantities of drink and drugs...” [p. 73]
Monty’s downward spiral accelerated, so friends advised him to get therapy. There is therapy,
and there is therapy. Not all counseling helps. Some therapists hurt. Monty’s therapist was
“New York analyst William Silverberg, a fifty-three-year-old homosexual who subscribed to
something known a ‘liberal behaviorism’. Unfortunately, Silverberg’s belief that analysis of
childhood problems was unnecessary, and that the key to mental health and happiness lay in
what he called ‘effective aggression’, was to prove disastrous for Monty. Without trying to halt
what everyone else could see were the early stages of chronic alcoholism and addiction, the
doctor more or less recommended that Monty do what he liked. Repeatedly Monty’s friends and
family would plead with Silverberg to do something about his patient’s drinking; repeatedly the
doctor would ask them not to meddle.... As Billy Le Massena observed, ‘It was clear to
everyone that Silverberg was actually encouraging Monty into excesses rather than preventing
them.’ Sexually, too, Monty behaved in a more compulsive way than he had ever done....and
was prey to more than one blackmail threat. Monty continued to see Billy Silverberg, whom he
called ‘my Mephisto’, for fourteen years” [p. 93]. The result? “...Chemical oblivion, sexual
depravity and mental torture...characterized the last fifteen years of his life” [p. 16]. “Even when
the newly sober Billy Le Massena managed to drag him along to a few Alcoholics Anonymous
meetings, Monty still clung to Billy Silverberg’s diagnosis that he was not an alcoholic” [p. 178].
This despite the fact that “each night Monty would get paralytically drunk by himself and
scarcely manage to find his way back to the hotel in the early hours of the morning: the next day
he would wake up with the shakes” [p. 113]
“In addition to the alcohol and drug binges, he was becoming uncharacteristically selfish and
thoughtless”, alienating even more people [p. 97]. Drugs and alcohol led Monty to begin “passing
out at his own dinner table. Guests quickly learned to ignore his prostrate, unconscious body” [p.
119]. He “rented a house up in Ogunquit, a Maine equivalent of Long Island’s gay enclave, Fire
Island, and gave himself up to bouts of sado-masochistic sex with boys he picked up on the beach”
[p. 119].
Then, on May 12, 1956, returning from a dinner party given by Elizabeth Taylor and then
husband Michael Wilding, Monty blacked out at the wheel of his car and almost killed himself in
a horrific car crash [p. 124]. “His face, swollen to the size of a football, was unrecognizable, and
two teeth were stuck in the back of his throat. There were terrible lacerations on the left side of
his face, where a nerve had been severed. His nose, jaw and sinus cavity were broken, and he
was badly concussed” [p. 125]. After surgery “the left side of his face was...virtually immobile,
and his mouth was grotesquely twisted” [p. 125]. “People were shocked by the transformation,
and some no longer even recognized him. Monty himself was so distraught about the loss of his
looks that he took down all the mirrors in the new house he’d rented in Brentwood” [p. 138].
“To relieve some of the back pain caused by the accident Monty had taken to injecting codeine...
Drugs increasingly dominated his life, and he was slowly turning into that type of addict known
as a ‘garbagehead’, taking anything and everything he could lay his hands on” [p. 138]. There
were only four good performances left: The Young Lions, The Misfits, Judgment at Nuremberg,
and the underrated Wild River, but the rest were disappointing, to say the least. The director of
Wild River, Elia Kazan, noted, “I don’t know what Clift’s appeal was—he certainly had a good
deal—but it was not sexual. I believe it was that which an orphan has: he called for help” [p.
155]
The call was not answered. Homosexuals just used him. “His private life was more of a mess
than ever, and was not helped by the greedy, petulant Frenchman whom he had secretly been
keeping as a lover... Claude Perrin had come to New York to be a dress designer on Seventh
Avenue, but after meeting Monty he had done little to further his ambitions, preferring to spend
his sugar-daddy’s money and throw tantrums” [p. 158].
He spent “the remaining six and a half year of his life, leading what he called a ‘phenobarbital
existence’ in his own personal twilight zone. ...He was in bad shape, losing his memory and his
balance and suffering from alcoholic hepatitis’ [p. 160]. “...The drug intake began to include
illegal substances as dangerous as heroin, and his sexual debauchery resulted in frequent beatings
from male prostitutes’ [p. 179]. “In the summer of 1964 Monty rented a house in the primarily
gay Pines community on Fire Island. Despite the strong cruising scene on the island, however,
he ventured out infrequently, too zonked even to contemplate seeking sexual companions. By
this time...he was injecting Demerol round the clock” [p. 181]. “Montgomery Clift’s last weeks
were excruciatingly painful and desperately lonely’ [p. 186]. “On the weekends of the 9-10 and
16-17 July he went...to the Fire Island house he had rented the two previous summers. Fellow
homosexuals in the Pines community called him a ‘sad faggot’, and he hardly strayed out of
doors” [p. 188]. “...By the end his only friend was the Demerol he was pumping into his body
with ever greater frequency” [p. 188]. On July 23, 1966, he was found dead in his bed, the
victim of a heart attack.
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“The best phrase with which to characterize the coming generation is ‘the inward generation.’ It is
the generation which gives absolute priority to the personal and which tends in a remarkable way to
withdraw into self. At least three of the characteristics, which the men and women of tomorrow
share: inwardness, fatherlessness and convulsiveness.” [Henri J. M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer,
p. 27]
“When a father fails his son, he introduces additional battles into his son’s life, battles that his son
should never have to fight. When a man never hears another man declare, by his life, that pressing
on to maturity is possible no matter what life brings, that he has always been and always will be
cared about, and that someone respects his heart and knows that he can make it—a man who never
hears these affirmations will experience, in the center of his being, a deep hole that throbs with
desperate pain. Something is missing that should be there—and would be there if his father had
fathered him well.” [Larry Crabb with Don Hudson and Al Andrews, The Silence of Adam, p. 148]
“When sex becomes an addiction...tolerance is...operating. The brain has become used to a certain
level of the chemistry of sex and will crave the same amount and eventually demand more to
achieve the same effect. In many ways, sex addicts are drug addicts. They are addicted to their own
brain chemistry. As one colleague said, ‘Being a sex addict is like being an alcoholic if you were
yourself a bar.’ Sex addicts have only to go to their fantasy lives to produce the supply to their
brains. This helps us realize that for a sex addict, there is no amount of sex that will always be
enough. Their repetitive activities will always create a need for more sex and (in some cases) for
new kinds. Their brains crave increased, and possibly the excitement of new, activities.” [Ralph H.
Earle Jr., and Mark R. Laaser, The Pornography Trap, p. 63]
"One out of three women and one out of six men will experience some kind of overt sexual abuse
before the age of eighteen.... We know that eighty-one percent of sexual addicts, both men and
women, are adult sexual trauma survivors—untreated trauma survivors." [Marnie Ferree, "Women
and Sexual Addiction," Steps, Vol. 12, No. 1), p. 6]
“Knowledge has bitter roots but sweet fruits.” [A Treasury of Essential Proverbs, p. 177]
MISTAKES NOT TO MAKE IN RECOVERY!
Too many people seeking freedom from homosexuality call it quits when they experience a failure.
Assuming that losing a battle means losing the war, they abandon themselves to that from which
they had determined to be free.
Watching other people recover from compulsive/addictive behavior can be very instructive. It can
give us a good dose of reality, if we are willing to learn.
The February 6, 2004, issue of The Week magazine details the struggles of actor Charlie Sheen to
find freedom from substance abuse. “For much of the 1990s, the actor snorted cocaine... Sometimes,
he would go through three bottles of vodka a day” (p.10). He has been clean and sober for more
than five years now. How did it happen?
Not all at once! Sheen had to be in rehab six times before he won the war! That means he tried and
failed; tried and failed; tried and failed; tried and failed; tried and failed; and finally tried and
succeeded! So don’t quit! “Pick yourself up, dust your-self off, and start back over again!”
“You don’t understand,” someone may be saying. “I’ve failed—not once, or twice, or five times—
I’ve failed repeatedly. Surely its time for me to throw in the towel.”
It is not! Just as losing one battle does not mean the war is lost, so losing many battles doesn’t mean
you will be finally defeated.
Read the story of the army led by George Washington during the Revolutionary War! There were
far more defeats than victories and the situation seemed hopeless. They did not quit! They hung on
and fought on and, in the end, after much suffering, won!
The only fatal mistake in recovery is to give up! You may experience many failures. Surprise!
Surprise! Surprise! When sin gets a strong hold on your life (as it does when behavior is compulsive
and addictive) it’s like a bulldog! It doesn’t let go easily. But God is able. Just do your part. Keep on
keeping on!
Let each man and woman in recovery take as their motto the words of Winston Churchill, speaking
for the British people during World War II: “We shall not falter; we shall not weaken or tire.
Neither the sudden shock of battle nor the long-drawn trials of vigilance and exertion will wear us
down” [The Oxford Book of Modern Quotations, p. 53 #9]. “You ask, what is our aim? I can answer
in one word: Victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror; victory however long and hard
the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival” [Ibid., p. 54 #8].
POINTS TO PONDER
"How big is God? Bigger than all your problems." [Pulpit Helps, (July 2000), p. 16]
DANGEROUS AS PORN!
One of the greatest passages in all of Scripture, a verse which God used in the conversion of
Augustine of Hippo, is Romans 13:14: “But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not
provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof.”
The word translated “lusts” “expresses any strong desire, the context or a qualifying adjective
determining its nature, whether good or evil” [D. H. Tongue, “Lust,” The New Bible Dictionary,
p. 717]. It does not have any necessary sexual connotation. So what is Paul saying to us and how
does it apply to our struggle?
The words “Put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ” mean “Nothing less than the complete negation of
vice and the perfection of purity and virtue exemplified in Christ make up the habitude required
of a believer” [John Murray, “The Epistle to the Romans,” II, The New International
Commentary on the New Testament, p. 170]
He continues, “The negative is as exclusive as the positive is inclusive. We are not to make any
provision for the fulfillment of the lusts of the flesh” (Idem.). “Foreman puts it somewhat
colloquially: ‘Put into very simple English, Paul is saying: Do not plan for sin; give it no
welcome; offer it no opportunity. Kick the sin off your doorstep and you won’t have it in the
house.” [Leon Morris, The Epistle to the Romans, p. 474] “Whatever...tends to excite our corrupt
propensities ought to be avoided.” [Robert Haldane, “Romans,” The Geneva Series of
Commentaries, p. 591] “Our instruction is not only not to gratify its desires, but not to think
about how to do so, not to make any ‘provision’ for them (RSV), rather to be ruthless in
repudiating them and putting them to death” [John R. W. Stott, “Romans God’s Good News for
the World,” The Bible Speaks Today, 353].
Murray wrote on Romans 8:5-8, “’The flesh’ is human nature as corrupted, directed, and
controlled by sin.... To ‘mind the things of the flesh’ (vs. 5) is to have the things of the flesh as
the absorbing objects of thought, interest, affection, and purpose. And ‘the mind of the flesh’ (vs.
6) is the dispositional complex, including not simply the activities of reason, but also those of
feeling and will, patterned after and controlled by the flesh. In like manner to mind ‘the things of
the Spirit’ (vs. 5) is to have the things of the Holy Spirit as the absorbing objects of thought,
interest, affection, and purpose, and ‘the mind of the Spirit’ is the dispositional complex,
including the exercises of reason, feeling, and will, patterned after and controlled by the Holy
Spirit’ [John Murray, “The Epistle to the Romans,” I, The New International Commentary on the
New Testament, p. 284-285]
Romans 8:13, shows the outcome of minding either the things of the flesh or the things of the
Spirit. “If ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify (“put to
death” [NIV]) the deeds of the body, ye shall live.” Murray explains, “’If ye live after the flesh,
ye shall die.’ Here is an inevitable and invariable sequence, a sequence which God himself does
not and cannot violate. To make life the issue of life after the flesh would be an inherent
contradiction. God saves from the flesh but not in it.... The only way of avoiding the issue of
death is to be delivered and desist from the life of the flesh. ‘But if by the Spirit ye put to death
the deeds of the body, ye shall live’” [John Murray, “The Epistle to the Romans,” I, The New
International Commentary on the New Testament, p. 293].
Let me illustrate from my own life. Some years ago, early in my recovery, I was reading the life
of Rock Hudson to gather material for the newsletter. The book was not explicitly sexual, but I
was very lonely at the time, and, as I read a chapter describing one of his many affairs, this time
with a man named Jack Coates, I began to feel a strong yearning—not for sex, but for the
closeness and fun Hudson was having with this young man. It seemed a sorry contrast to my
present pain.
It didn’t take me long to realize something that would not please Christ was going on here! Like
Israel of old, I was complaining to myself, despising the manna God provided and longing for
the fish, the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic of Egypt (Numbers
11:4-34).
What was I to do? I stopped complaining, put the book away, and went to work on my recovery.
I worked to build the friendships I so desperately needed, and God, in His grace, met my needs
himself and through His people.
I re-read the material in Hudson’s biography about two years later and there was no problem. We
do make progress if we keep at it and don’t let the Devil derail us!
Remember, as Dr. Grant Martin has pointed out, not only can sex be an addiction; people can
also be addicted to romance (the excitement) or to relationships (“You’re Nobody Till Somebody
Loves You”) [When Good Things Become Addictions, p. 29-87]. A fantasy need not be explicitly
sexual to be dangerous. I have a friend who had a problem with alcohol who never listens to jazz
because, for her, it is a magnet drawing her back in her mind to the bars and death!
We must deal mercilessly with anything and everything that draws us back to the old life. “While
you were without Christ, you had no higher nor other business to do but to attend and serve the
flesh; but once having put Him on, you are other men, and other manners do become you. There
is a transcendent sweetness in Christ that puts the flesh out of credit.... A soul clothed with
Christ, stooping to any sinful delight, or an ardent pursuit of anything earthly, though lawful,
doth wonderfully indignify itself. Oh! raise up your spirits, you that pretend to anything in
Christ; delight in Him and let His love satisfy you at all times. What need you go a-begging
elsewhere?” [Robert Haldane, “Romans,” The Geneva Series of Commentaries, p. 592-593]
POINTS TO PONDER
"Half our troubles come in wanting our way; the other half comes in getting it." [Pulpit Helps,
(October 2001), p. 9]
"The Bible tells us that the truth will set us free, but it doesn't promise that it will be pleasant or
easy." [Dale Hanson Bourke, Turn Toward the Wind: Embracing Change in Your Life, p. 13]
"When you're confused, it's usually because you think you should do one thing and you want to do
another. Dialogue with yourself out loud or on paper, or present both sides to a friend." [Cherry
Hartman, Be-Good-To-Yourself Therapy, p. 56]
KIND WORDS; GOOD HELP!
In December of 2004 we received the following letter. We got permission to quote it and we hope it
will bless you as it blessed us.
“Here’s our final gift of the year. We pray the ministry will grow and prosper in the New Year.
All of us whose lives have been bettered by HA have a responsibility to give back so that another
generation of strugglers and their families can be strengthened.
“’Systematic benevolence’ is an old term, but still has life-changing potential (for both the giver
and the recipient organizations). Over and over we’ve seen God fulfill His promise to bless those
who return a tenth of their income to Him. For those whose primary source of spiritual nurture is
HA, I’d challenge them to send that tithe to the ministry and watch how God stretches the
remaining 90%. Those of us involved in a church have a responsibility to render financial
support there. But we can still choose a specific percentage of income to commit to HAFS each
pay period. We’ve made a habit of that for several years and plan to continue. In fact, last
summer we felt impressed to send an extra $100.00 above our commitment and just a week or so
later were blessed with a completely unexpected gift of $1,500.00! We couldn’t afford not to
support HAFS! In fact, the organization has a place in our will.
I don’t share this to brag but to show ideas of how others can be blessed by blessing HAFS. You’re
in our prayers for the New Year.”
--K.P.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all."
--Isaac Watts
“Jesus talked about money. One-sixth of the Gospels, and one-third of the parables address the
subject of stewardship. Jesus was no fund-raiser. He dealt with money matters, however, because
money matters. It’s a surprise to many people, Christians included, that the Bible has so much to say
about the subject.” [Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart, p. 231]
“To meet Jesus is to look yourself in the pocketbook, which is the most unmistakable way of
looking yourself in the heart.” [J. Robert Ross quoted in Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary &
Classical, p. 190]
“When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.” [Powerful Thinking for Powerful Living, p.
129]
“Hate is not the opposite of love—apathy is.” [Rollo May in Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the
Tardy Oxcart, p. 35]
"No one is better prepared for Judgment Day than the person who longs to be without sin." [Martin
Luther's Little Instruction Book, p. 103]
"In the welter of conflicting studies, researchers tend to agree on at least one point: homosexuals
report more problems with their parents—unloving attitudes by at least one parent and parental
conflict--than comparable groups of heterosexuals. This finding has been consistent among
researchers who find homosexuals sick and those who find them well. Psychologists Seymour
Fisher and Roger P. Greenberg, in their book The Scientific Credibility of Freud's Theories and
Therapy, debunk much of Freud, but conclude that he was right about the fathers of male
homosexuals. 'In study after study,' they write, 'this father emerges as unfriendly, threatening or
difficult to associate with.'" [John Leo, "Homosexuality: Tolerance vs. Approval," Time, (January
8, 1979), p. 35]
"The search to find something or someone here on earth to perfectly fill the father void in your
life is a hopeless pursuit. No one is going to...give you the attention and affection a four year old
deserves and craves. You will add sorrow upon sorrow chasing down leads to some imaginary
father-hero who will always be there for you. Don't waste your life looking for something you'll
never be able to have, not because God doesn't want you to have it but because we live in a fallen
world. Accept the imperfect fathering you received and invest your energy and time into
understanding the perfect fathering you receive from your father in heaven
"Direct your energy toward building healthy support relationships with friends and family
members. Some well-meaning Christians will tell you just to forgive and forget past wrongs and
move on in life. They imply that spiritual exercises such as reading the Bible or praying will solve
your emotional problems, as if reading about being loved is the same as feeling loved. But prayer
and Bible reading alone are not enough to bring about lasting change in your life—God never said
that they would be enough. We were created to need one another. God often shows His love for you
through others, and He can provide the father-type love you need through others He chooses to
bring into your life....
"Even with God's help and supportive relationships..., the chief responsibility for filling the
father void in your life lies with you. Resist the urge to wait for your father, your friends, your
spouse, or God to set your life straight. Take the initiative to change your thinking and lifestyle in
ways that lead to a more fulfilling life. Part of maturity is taking responsibility for yourself and your
emotional, spiritual, and physical needs." [Randy Carlson, Father Memories, p. 94-95]
"We live in an age that reconciles good and evil.... This is what makes the plight of homosexuals so
treacherous. They live in a time when even the church has received into itself a false light, a false
compassion that is as cruel as death. And rather than being empowered by a holy God to call the
sinner to repentance and then heal the needy soul, the church at large babbles on in the language of a
lost society." [Leanne Payne, "Foreword," to Andy Comiskey, Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: How
Jesus Heals the Homosexual, p. 11-12]
"Sex is the fastest growing addiction in this country." [Marnie Ferree, "Women and Sexual
Addiction," Steps, Vol. 12, No. 1), p. 4]
"For some, sex promises a moment of unconsciousness that brings respite from anxiety, pain,
loneliness, boredom. Fleeting, perhaps, but effective in banishing these unwanted feelings, in
allowing some surcease from the discomfort they inflict. The rise of sexual excitement pushes aside
anxiety and boredom; the body contact, the sense of connection with another, assuages the pain and
loneliness." [Lillian B. Rubin, Ph.D., Erotic Wars: What Happened to the Sexual Revolution? p. 99]
"I can't say I'm comforted reading a government pamphlet called 'Condoms and Sexually
Transmitted Diseases Especially AIDS.' 'Condoms are not 100 percent safe,' it says, 'but if used
properly will reduce the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS.' Reduce the risk of a
disease that is 100 percent fatal? That's all that's available between us and death? How much do
condoms reduce the risk? They don't say. So much for Safe Sex." [Robert C. Noble, M.D., "There is
No Safe Sex," Newsweek, (April 1, 1991), p. 9]
William Bennett, former Secretary of Education, on ABC's "This Week," November 9, 1997, stated,
"...Smoking takes seven years off your life. If you're a homosexual male in this country, it takes 30
years off your life...66 is life expectancy for smokers, 43 for a male homosexual. This is tough
news. It's not pleasant to hear. But it's very important, and it's part of telling the truth... The last
numbers I looked at from the C.D.C. and The New England Journal of Medicine was that HIV was
430 times more likely to occur in a homosexual male, [age] 20 to 30, than a heterosexual male...
Death is what we are talking about." [NARTH Bulletin, Vol. 5, No. 3, (December 1997), p. 34]
In a survey or 1049 men and women aged 18 to 65 conducted by Mark Clements Research, "3% of
male respondents identify themselves as homosexual. 'This is much lower than the 10% estimate
that has been used in the past,' says Beverly Whipple of Rutgers. 'But it confirms recent research
showing that 1% to 3% of the male population is gay.' Among the women surveyed, 1% say they
are homosexual; 3% of the men and 0.4% of the women say they are bisexual." [Mark Clements,
"Sex In America Today," Parade, (August 7, 1994), p. 4,5]
“A British Medical Association survey listed fourteen case histories of homosexually oriented
people who were totally released after Christian conversion, and concluded: ‘Homosexuals can be
so changed through conversion that their sexual desire loses its mastery.’” [Nicky Gumbel, What is
the Christian Attitude toward Homosexuality? p. 19 citing Homosexuality and Prostitution, (BMA,
1955), p. 92]
A number of years ago, Mario Bergner was into homosexuality with both feet! Today, having
worked on recovery, he writes, “On April 17th, Nancy delivered our fifth reward from the Lord
(Psalm 127:3), our fourth son, Elijah Lawrence Bergner. We named him after Elijah the Prophet,
who stood against the Baals, and Brother Lawrence, the author of the classic, The Practice of the
Presence of God. When we married nine years ago, we never thought the Lord would give us five
children. While having a lot of children is a lot of work, it is also big fun.” [Redeemed Lives News,
(Summer 2005), p. 1]
“Nothing can be more cruel than the leniency which abandons others to their sin. Nothing can be
more compassionate than the severe reprimand which calls another Christian in one’s community
back from the path of sin.” [Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 105]
"Where did you get the right to say 'no' to God in anything?" [Old Union Reminder in Pulpit Helps,
(February 2001), p. 17]
Step 1
We admitted that we were powerless
over our homosexuality
and that our emotional lives
were unmanageable.
POWERLESS!
The first step to change is admitting that we have no power. I believed that I could not
change my desire for and attraction to the same sex any more than a heterosexual person could
change their reaction to looking at a person who attracts them. I believed that the desire to
change might be there, but the ability was not. When I began to admit that “I” did not have the
power, two things began to happen.
First, I had to begin to accept the fact that “I am not in control”. Our whole life is an effort to
maintain control of everything around us. Even the fact that we think we are homosexual is a
subconscious effort on our part to control. We try to control the pain we feel as the things of life
become clear to our consciousness.
We form our sexual identity on the model of those around us, and, if the model is improper, we
subconsciously try to control what we become. If mother is dominant, we pattern in that
direction. If the male role model is lacking or extremely weak, we pattern in the wrong direction.
If traumatic events, such as molestation, become part of the our experience, then the mind makes
the adjustments and we block the pain.
In making these adjustments, our mind may not, and usually does not, perceive the truth of the
outside situation. Thus we may make our gender identification on the basis of misinformation.
Our mind may simply believe a lie and misinterpret the facts.
There are many theories about the cause of homosexuality. Each is based on studies of patterns
that show up in large numbers of people who manifest these feelings and/or behavior, but they
all seem to relate to a basic fact. The mind of anyone with these desires seems to be set very
early. The patterns may not manifest themselves until later in life, but they are there. The course
is set within the first few years of life.
There are those who, after choosing a certain lifestyle, seem to develop these feelings. These
feelings become “fixed” with enough reinforcement, but the underlying factors are still evident.
Our mind has developed a certain sexual reaction to outside stimulus. We feel perfectly normal.
We have no control over these reactions.
Second, our emotional lives become totally unmanageable. When we discover that we are
“abnormal”, the process of living a double life begins. Anger, hatred against God or any
authority figure, selfishness, and a total breakdown of our ability to cope with depression cause
us to block the healthy emotions that would normally be part of our being. As these emotions
break down, the loss of control becomes obsession. We are not able to keep ourselves from
acting out. The more we try to control, the more we lose control. We seem to become everything
we hate.
It is at this point, the point of realization that we are powerless, that we can begin to experience
the process of change. This point of “hitting bottom” is the place we must reach before our mind
will relinquish the control that keeps us locked in our sexual prison. When we just “give up” we
can begin to reach out for the help we need to reverse the affects of the lies we have believed.
--Doug M.
PRAISE GOD! THERE IS A WAY OUT!
I don't remember building walls in my life, but they were there by the time I started school. I
remember one boy kicking my lunch box. I thought, "These boys are bad. The only safe children
for me to play with are girls." I was a likeable person and had many acquaintances, both male and
female, but had no close male friend, though I longed to have one.
I had five brothers and two sisters. My relationship with my brothers was always stressful but I was
good friends with my older sister. I was also very close to my mother. When I was young I
remember liking my father and being upset when my brothers said anything bad about him. As I
grew older, however, and saw some serious flaws in his character, I said more bad things about him
than my brothers did. I tried to hurt him, thinking I could change him and cause him to see we
needed him so much. As a result, he and I had frequent arguments.
Homosexual feelings began when I went through puberty. I couldn't stop them, and, since I never
felt like one of the guys, I accepted the label of gay, and hated it. I was angry with God because I
thought He made me this way and I begged Him to heal me. There was so much pain.
I was very lonely during my teen years. I wanted a wife and family but didn't know if I could get
married. I met a nice girl who was all the things I wanted in a wife. We married but I wasn't able to
love her emotionally the way she needed to be loved and ten years into our marriage she had an
affair. I was deeply hurt but didn't blame her. For the first time, I told her about my homosexual
struggles. We cried and determined to put our marriage back together.
I was deeply ashamed of my struggle and was afraid to see if there were any Christian books that
might help me so I asked my wife to go into the local Christian bookstore for me. She found a book
which mentioned HA, I called the office, got to know John J., got the workbook Lord, Set Me Free,
and have worked it through twice!
I've been working on recovery for four years now. God has healed so many areas of my life and
continues to work with me. I am no longer the angry person I used to be. My marriage is far better
than it ever was. God is helping me become a better father. He is helping me overcome my
insecurities and develop good male friendships, including relationships with my brothers. I forgave
my father for not being there when I needed him, though there are things I still grieve over. I am
learning to trust my heavenly Father more and more each day and am serving Him now because I
love Him, having come to know Him as He is. I no longer accept the lie that I am gay. I no longer
feel that I am. I am heterosexual. I have started an HA chapter where I live and I am living by faith.
What a change!
It hasn't been easy. Only God knows how hard it has been at times. But it is worth it all now, and
will be so for all eternity, thanks to Christ's death for me on the cross.
--Joseph C.,
WHO’S SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE WORK?
At a recent meeting of our HA chapter, we were discussing the fruit of the Spirit. One of our
members lamented his seeming lack of growth in these areas. Another member noted that, to see
such growth, we must put forth effort in terms of Bible study, prayer, and the active cultivation
of the fruit of the Spirit that it may grow and mature. The man who had complained about lack of
growth said he didn’t understand why there had to be effort for him to grow in these areas when
you don’t see trees working to grow their fruit. I told him that although we can’t see the effort
with our eyes, there is an enormous amount of work and energy that must go into growing fruit
on a tree.
For instance, water must be transported from the roots to the leaves and flowers. Chlorophyll in
the leaves uses sunlight to split water molecules to synthesize sugars. These must then be
transported to different parts of the tree for growth or storage in the fruit. The complexity of
chemical reactions and moving of resources within a tree to grow a single apple is staggering.
All this effort requires certain resources. Sunlight, carbon dioxide, water and nutrients are all
essential to this process.
In the same way, if we as Christians are to see growth and maturing in our spiritual lives, there
must first be the grace of God, but there must also be effort. We must pray and study Scripture.
We must fellowship with other believers and listen to their counsel. If we are lacking love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control (Galatians 5:22,23),
we must take steps to actively cultivate it.
At the same time, there are certain resources without which we cannot grow. In John 4, we read
about Jesus’ encounter with a Samaritan woman. He offers her living water that quenches all
thirst. This is redemption through Christ and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
When we have been born of the Spirit, walk by the Spirit, and meditate day and night with a
trusting, obedient heart on the Word of God, we can claim the promise of Psalm 1:3: “He shall
be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also
shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.”
So, as I pointed out to my friend, growing the fruit of the Spirit requires both reliance on the
strength and power of the Holy Spirit and effort on our part. The question is, will we trust and
obey, as the old hymn says, or grumble at having to obey and miss out?
--Jim M.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Dear Lord,
"So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't
been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.
"But in a few minutes, God I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going
to need a lot more help."
--Contributed by Gary Y.
WHAT’S A SUPPORT GROUP LIKE?
Emery Nester gives a good picture of what a support group is and does when he writes, “A man
was walking in a wilderness. He became lost and was unable to find his way out. Another man
met him. ‘Sir, I am lost, can you show me the way out of this wilderness?’ ‘No,’ said the
stranger, ‘I cannot show you the way out of the wilderness, but maybe if I walk with you, we can
find it together.’”
Rabbi Mervin Tomski of Temple Emanuel in Burbank, California, explains in more detail.
“Once a Jewish Chassidic teacher told this parable: A man had been wandering about in a forest
for several days, unable to find the way out. Finally, he saw a man approaching him in the
distance. His heart was filled with joy. Now I shall surely find my way out of this forest, he
thought to himself. When they neared each other, he asked the man ‘Brother, will you please tell
me the way out of this forest? I have been wandering about in here for several days and I am
unable to find my way out.’
“Said the other to him, ‘Brother, I do not know the way out either, for I too have been wandering
about in here for many days. But this I can tell you. Do not go the way I have gone, for I know
that it is not the way. Now come, let us search for the way out together.’” [Robert Strand, Love
101, p. 37]
Many of us have found these ideas wonderfully freeing. They showed us that we do not have to
possess all the answers (only God fits that description) to help one another find freedom in
Christ. We can warn each other away from the snares that we have found along the way, share
with each other the things that have helped us, and support one another through the inevitably
difficult times that come in the experience of all who seek to break free from unwelcome
compulsions.
While this is part of the picture, it is by no means the whole story. A Christian support group also
has absolute truth on which to rely in God’s Word, the Bible, and has the power of the Spirit of
God to enable the believer to walk according to that truth. Thus a Christian support group is
much more like what the great evangelist George Whitefield urged his converts to be part of.
“My brethren, let us plainly and freely tell one another what God has done for our souls. To the
end, you would do well, as others have done, to form yourselves into little companies of four or
five each, and meet once a week to tell each other what is in your hearts; that you may then also
pray for and comfort each other as need shall require. None, but those who have experienced it
can tell the unspeakable advantages of such a union and communion of souls. None, I think, that
truly loves his own soul and his brethren as himself, will be shy of opening his heart, in order to
have their advice, reproof, admonition and prayers, as occasions require. A sincere person will
esteem it one of the greatest blessings.” [Illustrations for Biblical Preaching, p. 192-193]
Are you enjoying that blessing, or are you still trying to go it alone? In recovery, as in life, “It is
not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). “Two are better than one.... For it they
fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone.... And a threefold cord is not
easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9,10,12). If you have a chapter nearby, start attending every week
today. If there is no chapter you can attend, begin doing the work you need to do to start one.
Why delay any longer?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER!
"In moral and spiritual terms we are all sick and damaged, diseased and deformed, scarred and sore,
lame and lopsided, to a far, far greater extent that we realize." [J. I. Packer quoted in EPA Liaison,
(October 1994), quoted in Current Thoughts & Trends, (January 1995), p. 7]
“Man’s understanding is so darkened that he can see nothing of God in God, nothing of holiness
in holiness, nothing of good in good, nothing of evil in evil, nor anything of sinfulness in sin.
Nay, it is so darkened that he fancies himself to see good in evil, and evil in good, happiness in
sin, and misery in holiness.” [Bishop Beveridge, on the Articles in J. C. Ryle, Old Paths, p. 129]
“...Every person...has an instinctive awareness that creation implies a Creator God. We may blind
ourselves to this fact, but we are still fully responsible when we choose to ignore this Creator God in
favor of our own desires. Plainly put, anything we place above God and his laws is idolatry—sin.
And sin required judgment on his part.” [John White, God’s Pursuing Love, p. 16]
"It is when we have come to the end of our own resources, or rather, come to see that we never had
any at all, that we are willing to accept the fact that we can do nothing and to let God do everything
for us." [Francis Ridley Havergal, Royal Bounty, p. 61]
"Cease from sensuality, said Cicero, for if once you give your minds up to sensuality, you will never
be able to think of anything else." [Alexander Whyte, Bunyan Characters I, p. 95]
“Masturbation can be compared to bingeing on junk food. It satisfies the physical appetite for the
moment but often leaves you feeling sick and empty. That is because God created sex to be more
than a release of tension. He wants it to promote love, commitment and permanence in a marriage
relationship. Masturbation lacks any of these qualities.” [Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel, Coming Out
of Homosexuality, p. 78[
"You tell me that you cannot pray, but Jesus healed one possessed of a dumb devil. You feel
hardened and insensible, but he cast out a deaf devil. You tell me you cannot believe. Neither could
the man with the withered arm stretch it out, but he did do it when Jesus bade him. You tell me you
are dead in sin, but Jesus made even the dead live." [Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Metropolitan
Tabernacle Pulpit XV (1869), p. 502]
"As free as getting high or having sexual encounters with strangers may sometimes make you feel,
it actually represents a kind of bondage. Far from letting loose, you're stuck trying to engineer your
emotions, your life, and your circumstances so that....you can predict the outcome. ...You're terrified
of what it might be like if you really were to let go and accept life as it came, with no help
from...compulsive behaviors. It's not that getting high through alcohol, other drugs, or sex doesn't
give you a certain release. The point...is that the repetitive quest for that release—for a particular,
familiar, perfect release that you're desperate to recapture again and again—can keep you in the
tightest bondage....a fear that you would be completely lost if you didn't do exactly what you've
always done." [Arnold Washton and Nannette Stone-Washton, Step Zero: Getting To Recovery, p.
54-55]
"...You take the first step; God will take the second step; and by the time you get to the third step,
you will know that it was God who took the first step." [Steve Brown, Born Free, p. 142]
"Our personal problems are rooted in disconnection, from God because of our arrogance and from
others because of our fear and selfishness. The cure is connection." [Larry J. Crabb, Jr. and Dan B.
Allender, Hope When You're Hurting, p. 184-185]
“Jesus is drawing a big crowd.... Then he gets to the Sermon on the Mount and he turns the crowd
away... He doesn’t want us to get confused and think that the kingdom is about having a big crowd.
He turns the crowd away by telling them what the kingdom is about. ...’Blessed are the broken.
They shall have the kingdom.’ The kingdom comes to broken people. Now, there’s some sarcasm
here in the fact that everybody is a broken person. But the kingdom comes to those who are broken
and know they are broken.” [Jeff VanVondren, “Grace For Dummies,” Steps, Vol. 15, No. 3, p. 4]
“The most frequently seen cause of sadness in the past leading to homosexual attractions in males
was the result of childhood and adolescent rejection by peers because of very limited athletic
abilities.... The craving for acceptance and love from peers results in strong emotional attractions to
those of the same sex which leads many youngsters to think they may be homosexuals.” [Richard
P. Fitzgibbons, “The Origins and Healing of Homosexual Attractions and Behaviors,” The Truth
About Homosexuality, p. 309]
“...If we would not go back, we must not look back. The devil will not say at first, Go back to
Sodom, though that is it which he intendeth; but rather, Look back, hoping the person which
yields to look back will go back in the end. Sin...shameth to beg too much at first; it asketh but a
little, and that little will draw on more; and so corruption insensibly steals upon us, and our
hearts are drawn off from God. Therefore watch against the first declinings; these are the cause
of all the rest. Evil is best stopped at first; the first breakings off from God, the remitting our zeal
and watchfulness. He that keeps not a house in constant repair will be in danger of having it fall
down upon him. So, if we grow remiss and careless, and keep not a constant watch, temptations
will increase upon us.” [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton XV, p. 378]
“When I learned of the monthly gay banquet attended by hundreds of gay men and women in my
home city, my spirit was crushed and my heart bowed low in prayer. I felt no anger. Only a
yearning possessed me, a yearning that cried to God over the misery of people who call themselves
gay.” [John White, Eros Defiled, p. 126]
“It grows increasingly clear that men and women who seek help to leave the gay life find it more
difficult than they might have imagined. Rather than support and encouragement, they face
confusion from one side and anger from the other.” [Bob Van Domelen, “Joined and Held
Together,” Wellspring, (February-March 2006), p. 1]
“Blaming your faults on your nature will not change the nature of your faults.” [Living Reality,
(Volume 2. No. 9), p. 2]
“The wise man adjusts himself to the Bible, but the fool adjusts the Bible to himself.” [Our Daily
Bread, (September 20, 1978)]
Step 2
We came to believe the love of God
who forgave us and accepted us
in spite of all that we are
and have done.
A FATHER’S LOVE
There’s a country song that begins, “Let me tell you a secret about a father’s love.” A father’s love
is meant to affirm us as individuals, to help call us forth as whole beings. But what is life like for a
young boy when there is no such man in his life?
I was just such a boy. My father had his good points. He was a hard-working man. He put food
on the table and a roof over the heads of his wife and fifteen children. But he never took the time
to become involved in his children’s lives.
What was life like for a boy like me? I remember crying myself to sleep many nights starting at
the tender age of five, wondering why my father didn’t love me. By the age of six, I vowed that I
would never be like my father. Why would a young boy make such a decision? This man I called
father never in his life gave a word of encouragement or affirmation, never gave a hug, a kiss,
even a loving touch. Only once in my entire life did my father ever touch me with love. I was
forty-two years old. He had a bad fall at home and my sister called to tell me he was in the
hospital and they did not expect him to live. I came into the room and told him I would not stay
long because he was not feeling well but that I would like to pray for him. He thought he was
dying and he reached out and took my hands. I could not have been more shocked! When I left, I
wept, because all during my childhood he was only verbally, emotionally, and physically
abusive!
Where does a young boy go to find the love his father doesn’t give him? What does he do? For
years I turned inward, trying to meet my need, but finding only pain, confusion, despair,
loneliness, and anger. I only knew I wanted a man who would love me and care for me, and
obviously my father was not that man.
So when I was nine-years-old and a young man took an interest in me, I was thrilled. I thought,
“Here is a man who cares for me”. Sadly, he molested me, but I was so hungry for love I didn’t
know the difference. I was so hungry for attention and affection that I didn’t care about the
sexual part, because I thought he was someone who cared. Only years later, when I was sharing
this with a friend who told me, “Dennis, you were molested,” did I realize what had happened.
As I grew older, I felt different from other men and struggled to overcome my attraction to men.
At first I denied I had a problem and tried to live a normal life. When I was eighteen, I
volunteered for the draft to get away from a bad home life and a very angry man—my father!
While I was in the service, I first heard that God loved me. WOW!! So in 1967 I became a
believer, and, in that same year, I met my future wife.
How does a man with my background and struggle experience God? At first I had great hope that
God would come to my rescue. I thought, “Now that I am a believer He will surely take away my
struggle with homosexuality.” I thought the lady who became my wife would be the means He
used to deliver me, so we married in May of 1971. Our first son was born in June of 1972, our
second son in March of 1976, and our third son in June of 1977. To all outward appearances, all
was well, but my struggle with homosexuality became more and more acute. I became very
angry with God, asking, “Why would He let this struggle continue?” I really saw Him as much
like my earthly father. I could trust Him for salvation (after all my earthly father provided for me
physically) but would not trust Him with my heart and its needs. I thought I had to take care of
those needs in my own way. And I tried to do that by acting out sexually with other men. That
only left me feeling more empty, guilty, ashamed, and hopeless.
How strange as I look back over my life that I should feel that the very One who cared for me
was indifferent to my struggle with homosexuality. I did seek help—four times in thirty years I
went to four different pastors and asked them to help me—all to no avail because they didn’t
know how to help.
In 1994 I went to another pastor and told him the story of my life. I told him I was going to take
my own life if I didn’t get help. He sent me to an Exodus ministry called Harvest in the
Philadelphia area which gave me good help. Two years ago a facilitator of one of Harvest’s
small groups recommended I try HA.
Here I found gentle encouragement to reach out to God and to others in healthy ways and God
has been doing a wonderful work in my heart. The last year has been a little bit of heaven on
earth. I have drawn nearer to God, who is no longer strange to me but is wonderfully putting the
pieces of my broken heart together. I try to walk two-and-a-half miles every night, and have been
able to be real with God, sharing all the hurts in my heart, and God has on more than one
occasion become much more than real to me. This has become a very precious time to me. I have
found new hope that there is yet a future of me in His Kingdom and that He has a plan for my
life. He is bringing about the healing which I so long sought and He is giving me “joy
unspeakable and full of glory.”
--Dennis H.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Man without God is a beast, and never more beastly than when he is most intelligent about his
beastliness.” [Whittaker Chambers quoted in World, (November 27, 2004), p. 32]
“If you are obedient because you want God to notice and love you, you not only are very
frustrated, but you also are very foolish.” [Steve Brown, If Jesus Has Come, p. 147]
“After Calvary, God has the right to be trusted; to be believed that He means what He says; and
that His love is dependable.” [A. J. Gossip, In the Secret Place of the Most High quoted in Pulpit
Helps, (May 2003), p. 25]
"People have many times come to us saying 'Don't talk to me about a loving God. Why doesn't
he stop all the wars, or at least prevent some of the bestial things men do to men, sometimes in
the very name of religion... We ask, 'What was your father like?' Invariably we uncover a history
similar to what the counselee has imputed to God—cruelty, insensitivity, desertion, criticism,
etc. No matter what the mind may learn in Sunday school of a gentle and loving God...the heart
has been scarred and shaped by reactions to the earthly father, and projects that onto God. Not
until such people forgive their natural fathers can they in fact see God and gentle and kind and
lovingly present for them." [John and Paula Sandford in Gordon Dalbey, Sons of the Father, p.
35]
AMAZING, HEALING LOVE!
All we really want as children is acceptance. I couldn’t tell anyone the things I had done until I
knew I had found someone who could relate. My counselor knew I felt I was to blame for the
way the “man” kept coming back. He also knew that, at first, the things that were done to me felt
good. He knew I felt guilty for enjoying them. He knew of the hatred that came after the pain of
later experiences. He knew I hated God for allowing them to happen. He knew these things
because he could relate from his own experience. I also began to see that Jesus could relate (the
Bible says He was in all points tempted as we are). He could accept me because He felt my every
pain and tear. He could give the hugs and touches I needed.
It was only after I began to realize that God was leading me, and ‘accepting me as I was’, that I
could begin to feel any love for Him. He knew I had given much more pain to others through
acting out my homosexual feelings, and He forgave me. As I began to experience the forgiveness
that He offered me, I felt like I could start to trust Him. The trust that leads to love comes after
we see the demonstrations of forgiveness and acceptance. It is the divine plan. “We love Him
because He first loved us.” “He that is forgiven much loves much.” It does not matter what we
have done in the past once we find, in our relationship with God, the fatherly love and
acceptance that every man seeks. We begin to let God wrap His love around us. Once we get past
the lie that God hates us, we begin to grow past the arrested development that keeps us slaves to
our false identity as a “homosexual.”
Doug M.
POINTS TO PONDER
"There will come times when it will take every ounce of energy you have to believe that God cares
for you." [Given O. Blakely in Pulpit Helps, (June 2000), p. 16]
"One inmate recently wrote: 'How I missed having a father when I grew up. My dad was there, but
he was absent from me. My Heavenly Father was there, but I was absent from Him." [Into the Light,
(July 1999), p. 2]
"God....does not and cannot forgive sin with an unholy ease. Yet he does and can forgive in
righteous love." [H. D. McDonald, Forgiveness and Atonement, p. 21]
"Guilt can only be removed by punishment. Either the sinner himself must bear it, or a substitute
must be provided." [Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology II, p. 532]
"It costs God nothing, so far as we know, to create nice things; but to convert rebellious wills cost
Him crucifixion." [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 179]
"The more our lives...are rooted in fear and shame, the greater our risk for crisis. And the more our
lives are rooted in God's unfailing love and grace, the greater the likelihood that our problems and
failures will be brought into the light for healing before they become a crisis." [Dale O. Wolery and
Dale S. Ryan, "Hope in Times of Crisis," Steps, (Winter 1999), p. 3-4]
LET ME IN THEE ABIDE
O Lord, let me in Thee abide.
When the devil stands near
and I shiver with fear.
When I want to run and hide,
I still know you're by my side,
safe in Thee Lord, let me abide.
I long for peace in my soul
Come my Savior, make we whole.
As the potter shapes the clay,
make me stronger every day,
O lord, let me in Thee abide.
My heart is in despair
when I feel you do not care.
But I know you hold me close,
even then.
Though my tears make me blind,
and there's answers I can't find,
O Lord, let me in Thee abide.
My grief seems to be unending
and the prayers that I am sending
seem to fall away
and vanish like the dew.
Still you know my greatest loss,
give me victory by Thy cross,
O Lord, let me abide in Thee.
--Bonnie D.
GOD'S GREAT LOVE!
My child, I love you! I shed My blood for you to make you clean. You are new. Believe it is
true!!! You are lovely in My eyes. Do not criticize yourself or get down for not being perfect
in your own eyes. This leads only to frustration. I want you to trust Me, one step, one day at a
time. Dwell in My power and love. Be free! Don't let others run you. Allow Me to guide you.
Be aware of My presence in everything. I give you patience, love, joy, peace. Look to me. I
am your Shepherd. Follow Me! Listen to My Word and I will tell you all My will.
My child, I love you! Let My love flow from you and spill over to all you touch. Be not
concerned with yourself. You are My responsibility. I will change you. Take your eyes off
yourself! Look at Me! I lead, I change, I make. You are mine. Let Me have the joy of making
you like Christ. Let Me love you!!! You are not your own. You have been bought with blood
and now belong to me.
My child, I love you! Do not struggle. Be relaxed in My love. I know what is best. Let Me
make you what I want. My will is perfect! My love is sufficient! I will supply all your needs.
Look to me today and in the days to come!!! I love you.
Your Heavenly Father
--Nancy B.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Christianity consists primarily not in what we do for God but in what God does for us—the great,
wondrous things that God dreamed up and achieved for us in Christ Jesus. When God comes
streaming into our lives in the power of His Word, all He asks is that we be stunned and surprised, let
our mouths hang open, and begin to breathe deeply.” [Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the
Heart for Intimate Belonging, p. 170]
“We only tarnish the shining promises of God if we persist in dwelling on our own sinfulness.” [J.
B. Phillips quoted in 20th Century Thoughts That Shaped the Church, p. 224]
"...The faith I learned in childhood fixated on sin, stopping short of grace. Only after I experienced
firsthand the loving grace of God could I begin to think healthily about sin." [Philip Yancey, True
Confessions, p. 17]
"There lives no saint without a past or sinner who can't have a future." [Pulpit Helps, (June 2000), p.
16]
"The soul hardly ever realizes it, but whether he is a believer or not, his loneliness is really a
homesickness for God." [Hubert van Zeller in Light For My Path, p. 112]
O LOVE OF GOD!
“Come unto Me, ye weary,
And I will give you rest.”
O blessed voice of Jesus,
Which comes to hearts oppressed!
It tells of benediction,
Of pardon, grace, and peace,
Of joy that hath no ending,
Of love which cannot cease.
“Come unto Me, ye wanderers,
And I will give you light.”
O loving voice of Jesus,
Which comes to cheer the night!
Our hearts were filled with sadness,
And we had lost our way;
But morning brings us gladness,
And songs the break of day.
“Come unto Me, ye fainting,
And I will give you life.”
O peaceful voice of Jesus,
Which comes to end our strife!
The foe is stern and eager,
The fight is fierce and long;
But Thou hast made us mighty,
And stronger than the strong.
“And whosoever cometh,
I will not cast him out.”
O patient voice of Jesus,
Which drives away our doubt,
Which calls us—very sinners,
Unworthy though we be
Of love so free and boundless—
To come, dear Lord, to Thee!
--William Chatterton Dix
(1837-1898)
CONFUSING?
Have you ever been perplexed by the different tenses Scripture uses in describing salvation? Have you
ever wondered why salvation is sometimes spoken of in the past tense, at other times in the present
tense, and still other times in the future tense?
For example, we read in Ephesians 2:8,9: ‘For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and
this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not of works, so that no one can boast” (NIV). That
sounds like it is all a done deal—salvation is a matter of the past.
But then we read in Philippians 2:12b,13, “...Work out (note: not ‘work for’ but ‘work out’) your own
salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good
pleasure.” Obviously Paul is not speaking in this passage of some-thing that is past, but of something
present. What are we to make of all this?
And then, as if we were not confused enough, I Peter 1:3-5 says, “Blessed be the God and Father of our
Lord Jesus Christ which according to his abundant mercy hath begotten us again unto a lively hope by
the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that
fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith unto
salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.” Here salvation is spoken of as, not past, not present, but
future. What are we to make of all this?
Dr. Theodore L. Cuyler explained it thusly: “A clipper ship crossing the Banks of Newfoundland in
heavy weather strikes an iceberg. She rapidly settles at the bow, and her captain and crew have barely
time to leap into the lifeboat. The question, ‘What must we do to be saved?’ is answered by their
prompt leap into the lifeboat, which is an act of faith. They trust their lives to it for salvation. From
immediate death they are saved.
“But, after the ship has sunk, the crew is still out in the deep and dangerous sea.... In order to...reach the
distant shore, they must stick to the boat and pull lustily at the oars. They must ‘work out their
salvation’ now by rowing hard.... Never for a moment, however, are they independent of the lifeboat.
That must keep afloat, or they go to the bottom.
“At last, after hard rowing, they reach the welcome shore. This is their third, final, and complete
salvation... Now they are at rest, for they have reached the desired haven.” [God’s Light on Dark
Clouds, p. 126-127]
Salvation is a broad term that covers all that God does in delivering us from sin and death and hell. It
covers such things as regeneration (being “born again”)—we who were dead in trespasses and sins
receive new life from God (see John 3:1-16; Ephesians 2:1-9-10); the first steps of that life are faith and
repentance (Mark 1:15); justification (Romans 3:21—28; II Corinthians 5:21)—our sins are charged to
Christ’s account and He suffers in our place so that we receive full, free pardon for sin; Christ’s
righteousness is charged to our account so that we enjoy what He deserved; adoption (John 8:44-47;
1:12; Romans 8:16,17)—we are taken out of the devil’s family and brought into the family of God;
sanctification (Romans 6:1-13; II Peter 3:18)—we are set free from our bondage to sin and enabled to
fight back against it with every increasing effectiveness; glorification (Romans 8:22,23; I John 3:1-3; I
Corinthians 15:51-58)—we are made perfectly like Christ in body and in spirit!
And so the believer can say, “I have been saved; I am being saved; and I will be saved.” Indeed, he
must say all three if he is to grasp the richness of salvation as revealed in the Bible.
And, of course, all is of God. “For those whom God had already chosen he had also set apart to become
like his Son, so that the Son should be the first among many brothers. And so God called those whom
he had set apart; not only did he call them, but he also put them right with himself; not only did he put
them right with himself, but he also shared his glory with them” (Romans 8:29-30 GNB).
And so we have only to ask, Are you trusting? Are you rowing for shore? Rejoice! You’re sure to get
there because He holds you in the hollow of His hand and will never leave you or forsake you (John
10:17-29; Hebrews 13:5).
--John J., Reading, PA
POINTS TO PONDER
"A few years ago I read of a young Florida man who became devoted to Elvis Presley before he died...
For Dennis Wise, devotion meant spending every bit of money he had to collect Presley memorabilia
(books, magazines, pillows, records, and even tree leaves from the Presley mansion in Memphis).
Devotion also meant that Wise underwent six hours of plastic surgery to make his face resemble that of
the famous singer. But having collected all this stuff and having attempted to look like him, did Dennis
Wise ever meet Presley when he was alive? No, he told an interviewer. He'd seen him perform several
times, and he had once seen him at a distance when he looked through the gates at Graceland (Presley's
home). He had stood there for more than twelve hours to get a fleeting glimpse, and that is all it was: a
glimpse.... When I read this interview, I realized that Wise had done just about everything one does when
he worships a god. Learn what you can; assume what similarity you can; meet him if you can. Problem:
Dennis Wise's god was unknowable, and he is now dead.... The God to whom Jesus introduces us is not
dead, nor is He unknowable." [Gordon MacDonald, Forging a Real World Faith, p. 61-62]
"I am an optimist because I believe in God. Those who have no faith are quite naturally pessimists and I
do not blame them." [William Lyon Phelps in Pulpit Helps, (December 1999), p. 16]
"God wants you to have no hindrances to a love relationship with Him in your life. Once God has spoken
to you through His Word, how you respond is crucial. You must adjust your life to the truth." [Henry T.
Blackaby and Claude V. King, Experiencing God, p. 167]
“…We read in Gospel history of…Jesus, the Son of God, coming down to a world of sinners, who neither
cared for Him before He came, nor honored Him when He appeared. We read of Him going down to the
prison-house, and submitting to be bound, that we the poor prisoners might be able to go free. We read of
Him becoming obedient to death,—and that the death of the cross,—that we the unworthy children of
Adam might have a door opened to life everlasting. We read of Him being content to bear our sins and
carry our transgressions, that we might wear His righteousness and walk in the light and liberty of the
sons of God.” [J. C. Ryle, Old Paths, p. 222]
"...Faith finds sweetness and rest in forgiveness with God: it is the only harbor of the soul: it leads man to
God, to Christ, as his rest." [John Owen, The Forgiveness of Sin, p. 88]
POINTS TO PONDER
"...Instead of it being a difficulty, and a hardship, and an offence that the love of Christ passeth
knowledge,—that is the crowning glory of Christ's love: that is our crowning blessedness. The love of
Christ has no border; it has no shore: it has no bottom. The love of Christ is boundless: it is bottomless: it
is infinite: it is divine. That it passeth knowledge is the greatest thing that ever was said, or could be said
about it... We shall come to the shore, we shall strike the bottom, of every other love: but never the love of
Christ!... It passeth now, and it will for ever pass, knowledge. You, who have once cast yourselves into it,
and upon it—...you will never come to the length of it, or to the breadth of it, or to the depth of it, or to the
height of it.... Heap up eternity upon eternity, and still the love of Christ to you will make all eternity to be
but the springtime of life to you, and still but the early days of your everlasting espousals. The love of
Christ will, absolutely and everlastingly, pass all knowledge." [Alexander Whyte, Lord, Teach Us To
Pray, p. 155]
“Nothing keeps people away from Christ more than their inability to see their need of him or their unwillingness to admit it. As Jesus put it: ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not
come to call the righteous, but sinners’ (Mark 2:17). He was defending against the criticism of the
Pharisees his policy of fraternizing with ‘tax collectors and “sinners”’. He did not mean...that some
people are righteous, so they do not need salvation, but that some people think they are. In that
condition of self-righteousness they will never come to Christ. For just as we go to the doctor only
when we admit that we are ill and cannot cure ourselves, so we will go to Christ only when we admit
that we are guilty sinners and cannot save ourselves.” [John R. W. Stott, “Romans: God’s Good News
for the World,” The Bible Speaks Today, p. 67]
“Donald Barnhouse tells a terrific story of a young man who went to the employment office of
Western Union looking for a job delivering telegrams. The manager said he needed someone to start at
once and asked if the young man would be willing to begin right then.
“’Well,’ said the boy, ‘there’s one thing I must warn you about before I get started. I am
psychologically so constituted that I cannot stand any scene of unhappiness. I’m only will-ing to
deliver good news. Birth announcements, that’s fine. Congratulations for success, fortunes that have
been received, promotions, acceptance of marriages—all the joys and bliss news, that I’ll deliver. But
sickness and death and failure and all of that, that’s alien to my nature. I just won’t deliver them.’
“It didn’t take the manager very long to say, ‘I guess I’m still looking for the one that’s gonna fill
this job, because this responsibility requires that you also announce bad news.’
“That’s the job of one who delivers the gospel. It is wonderful Good News, but it isn’t complete
until the bad news is also delivered.” [Donald Barnhouse, Man’s Ruin, Romans Vol. I, quoted in
Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart, p. 321]
“The day of judgment shall convince thousands of self-willed people too late that it needs something
more than a few beautiful ideas about ‘God’s love and mercy,’ to reconcile a man to his Maker, and to
deliver His guilty soul from hell. No hope shall stand in that awful day but the hope of the justified
man. No peace shall prove solid, substantial, and unbroken, but the peace which is built on
justification.” [J. C. Ryle, Old Paths, p. 218]
“Our world is plagued by an epidemic of pain. With divorce rampant and child abuse screaming from
the national headlines, it is not surprising that for many people the concept of a Father God evokes
responses of anger, resentment, and rejection. Because they have not known a kind, caring earthly
father, they have a distorted view of the Heavenly Father’s love. In many cases these hurting
individuals choose to simply deny or ignore His existence.” [Floyd McClung, Jr., The Father Heart of
God, p. 13-14]
"O, but that is a sweet thing, that albeit all the world should say against you, yet if thou wilt come to
Christ, He will take thy part. Let them call you what they will..., He will call you His love..., His
undefiled.... What matter it what men speak of you if God commend you." [Quaint Sermons of Samuel
Rutherford Hitherto Unpublished, p. 321]
“It is by the name ‘Father’ that we address God; and the only way in which a child can put meaning
and content into the word ‘father’ is from what he learns of its meaning from his own father. It is one
of the grimmest commentaries on fatherhood that Luther could hardly bring himself to pray the Lord’s
Prayer and to say, ‘Our Father,’ because of the sternness, the strictness and even cruelty of his own
father.” [William Barclay, Daily Celebration II, p. 92]
“Christian psychologist Paul Vitz, in a teaching entitled, ‘The Psychological Roots of Atheism,’
declares that when the father is not present, the child naturally concludes there is no God. The most
common false views of God’s character—that he is absent, distant, harsh, unapproachable, uncaring,
weak—can often be traced to corresponding images of the man’s earthly father.” [Gordon Dalby, Sons
of the Father, p. 36]
"A holy man was once asked, 'Why is it that people who are very religious—who go to church and
light candles and kiss icons—why is it that they become worse instead of better?' The answer is
simple, said the holy man: they do not really want God. They want something else—anything from
playing a role to being a prophet to having a happy life, to being healthy, wealthy and wise. There is
such a thing as spiritual hedonism, spiritual greed, spiritual avarice. We can even want to be holy for
the sake of holiness rather than for the sake of the love of God. And then our desire becomes impure."
[Fr. Thomas Hopko, “Continuous Conversion,” Faith & Renewal, (March/April 1992), p. 4]
“When the Lord takes your sins, you never see them again. He casts them into the depths of the sea,
forgiven and forgotten. I even believe He places a sign over them that reads NO FISHING ALLOWED.”
[Corrie ten Boom, Each New Day, p. 47]
“When we became Christians, God wiped the slate of our past sins clean. Right? Wrong! When we
became Christians, God didn’t just wipe the slate clean. He threw it away.” [Steve Brown, If Jesus Has
Come, p. 135]
“...Because God is unique as an all-glorious, totally self-sufficient Being, he must be for himself if he
is to be for us. The rule of humility that belongs to a creature cannot apply in the same way to its
Creator. If God should turn away from himself as the Source of infinite joy, he would cease to be God.
He would deny the infinite worth of his own glory. He would imply that there is something more
valuable outside himself. He would commit idolatry. This would be no gain for us. For where can we
go when our God has become unrighteous? Where will we find a Rock of integrity in the universe
when the heart of God has ceased to value the supremely valuable?” [John Piper, Desiring God, p. 36]
“The word grace emphasizes at one and the same time the helpless poverty of man and the limitless
kindness of God.” [William Barclay in Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p. 83]
Step 3
We learned to see purpose
in our suffering,
that our failed lives
were under God’s control,
who is able
to bring good out of trouble.
WORKING THROUGH THE PAIN!
If you’ve never struggled with same-sex attractions, you may find it difficult to understand the pain
that those who do are going through. If you do struggle with homosexuality, you know that pain all
too well and may be having a difficult time not allowing that pain to overwhelm you and damage
your relationship with God, with others, and with yourself.
For these reasons we are including (with their permission) the correspondence of two men in one of
our HA groups as one cries out for help and the other offers encouragement.
D’s Letter
The man in pain, D— writes, “I cannot have what I want, what I need. Other people get it all, don’t
you see? They get to fall madly in love, the love at all those levels—emotional, sexual—and can
bond and enjoy every aspect of oneness with another person. It’s called falling in love and getting
married. It is a well-respected practice in Churches everywhere.
“We don’t get to have those emotions or enjoy that connectedness with another human being—that
one, special, unique person that we are completely and utterly joined to and with whom we share
everything. We are at the window of the candy store and all we can do is look and, as we watch
others, see exactly what we are missing while they get to go inside and feast—all with God’s
blessing.
“It isn’t just that it is unfair—it is cruel! How can God do this? How do I reconcile this internal
wiring in me with a personal, all-powerful, loving God who hates sin?
“God has created me a social animal with social needs to bond in this way and yet tweaks me so that
the need is more intense than it is for most people and then says—sorry guy—the desire that I gave
you is something you are not allowed to fulfill. It is sin.
“Don’t say that God didn’t give me the desire because at so many levels He did. He is sovereign, and
whether it is nature or nurture or a combination of the two, this sovereign God certainly managed to
orchestrate my being born to a bastard of a father and an overbearing, domineering mother and set
me in a group of peers that treated me like a fag pariah long before I knew what either of those
words meant. Good grief, who do I blame for orchestrating all the things necessary for this—the
tooth fairy?
“It was God’s doing. Was it for my sin or my parent’s sin that I should be born or be nurtured into
faghood? Or was it for the glory of God—well thank you very much, but hey, Mr. God, how’s that
working for you? Not a lot of glory noticeable down here.
“How does God not answer this prayer? I have been a born again Christian for almost 40 years. I
have been at various levels of personal devotion and faith. I have gone through long periods of a
deep and close walk with God, and I have gone through periods of great struggle. I have had periods
where I was accepting of my condition and periods when I cried out to God in the deepest anguish
and desperation. I have devoted myself to service to God and thrown myself on his mercy,
depending only on his grace. I have walked the walk of devotion to God. I do not think God should
have answered this prayer because of what I have done for him. I don’t expect God to be impressed
by me.
“I expect God to answer this prayer because that is the only action consistent with what every word
of the Bible breathes about the nature and character of God. God designed us and gave us the need
for human closeness and the need for sex. I was fearfully and wonderfully made inside my mother’s
womb (my genetic origins) and nothing I have experienced was not filtered by God’s will. God
created me and created the circumstances of my environment—put in place the structures necessary
to create this need for closeness and for sex, and then, unlike 95% of the population, makes it
impossible for me to fulfill this need without committing a sin God hates.
“Hey God, I am about to turn 50. Not much time left to change this. How about giving me a chance
at some of the pleasures in life that everybody else both takes for granted and couldn’t imagine
living without. I don’t really want to have sex with another man. I want to have the same need
everybody else has. I want to be fixed.
“Do you know what really irks me? In high school my classmates—lots of them churchgoers—were
screwing girls right and left. I have had fewer sex partners than any heterosexual man I know. What
did I do before I was 11 to deserve this?
“I have prayed to be fixed for 40 years and it’s pretty clear that not only did God orchestrate my
environment and/or genes to get me here, but that He has no intention of doing anything about it. He
likes his handiwork.
How hard can this be? God is all-powerful so of course it isn’t about what God can do—it is a matter
of what He wants to do. It is his will that I want sex and love from a man, and it is his will that I
need sex and love from a man, and it is his will that I never get it because that is sin. It is his will
that I can never need or want it from a woman, and it is his will that my prayer to need and want it
from a woman is never fulfilled, and it is his will that I never get it from a woman. It is apparently
his will that I live in isolation from all other human beings until I die!
What makes this so different than any other kind of problem is that there is nobody to blame but
God. I have tried for a long time to find some way around it. A sovereign God could have given me
a stable group of affirming male friends, a different mix of stress hormones during my mother’s
pregnancy, my parent’s early divorce and my mother’s remarriage to a decent man. God could have
easily prevented my homosexual struggle and God could at any point have easily fixed it. I was
asking God to make is possible to meet a basic need without sinning. Sounds pretty reasonable to
me.
“And God’s silence on the matter tells me something about God, There is something about my view
of God in the Bible that simply has to be false. Either God is not so powerful, or he is not so loving,
or he simply isn’t paying any attention to us. Giving us a basic need for sex and emotional closeness
and then orchestrating our lives to make the only channel we can get that need met a sin is cruelty!
Something about the sweet, loving God of the Bible is just plain wrong! This is not just a pity
party—there are serious ethical and theological issues that place the theology I have been taught in
direct conflict with the God that created my universe.”
Robert’s Reply
The man to whom D—wrote, Robert, answered: “Dear D—., You sound so much like I did some
time ago. Even today such thoughts come up. But I had what you say you are looking for. I was one
of the few gay men who had a long term, love relationship. I stress the word ‘love’ because there
was a lot of love involved. But it was the wrong kind of love, and looking back at it now I see that it
had a lot to do with narcissism, being centered on self and wanting someone to fulfill my emotional
and sexual needs. But it was love—sort of, kind of.
“So if this is all we really need, why didn’t it fulfill me and make me happy? Why did I lie night
after night beside him in our common bed after we had just had sex and feel terribly alone? Why did
I always feel that this was not what I was looking for? Why did the gay life change my personality—
much to the worse—and lower my moral standards? Why did it NOT fulfill my basic needs? I
seemed to have it all—a hot, masculine man, lots of ‘great’ sex, someone to love and share my life
with to the end. Why did I still feel so empty?
“Forget about hormones. They have nothing to do with your same-sex attractions. And even if we
assume that there is a ‘gay gene,’ we are not slaves to our genetic code. If you had diabetes (which is
genetic), would that mean you should inundate yourself with sugar? No, it would mean you should
take care of what you eat and how you live. If, as some argue, certain forms of criminal behavior
have genetic causes, does that make them right? Neither of us thinks so!
“My ex was an Israeli and we some-times talked about the suffering of the Jews under Hitler. He
told me that many of them lost their faith when they had to suffer so bitterly. He told me how they
chased all his relatives in Poland into a synagogue and set it on fire. The dying Jews cut their arms
until they bled and wrote final message on the synagogue walls. They wanted to be remembered and
avenged.
“Why did God let that happen? Why did he put them in such an ‘environment’? Why did he put lust
for men into your heart? Why didn’t he take it away? Why doesn’t He put us all back into paradise?
I know of no simple answer to these questions.
“What I do know is that I’ve been where you seem to want to go. I’ve done all you seem to want to
do. And I hope I’ll never be back there again! Forget it, D—, it doesn’t work the way you think it
does.
“Heterosexuality is so deeply en-graved in our hearts that even if you feel nothing for a woman, you
do feel very strange and weird when you enter a same-sex relationship. Even if everyone in your
family and all your friends and the people at your job fully approve of your choice, you still feel very
strange and weird. And at least one of you has to change or bend or something to try to make it
work. Heterosexuality is just too deeply in us.
“Even if you find the relationship you long for, you will soon find it’s not what you were looking
for. You will become embittered, sad, and disappointed; and the gap between you and the male
world will become bigger and bigger. The way you talk, the way you walk, your entire personality,
your moods, your thinking, your behavior patterns, the way you look, the way you dress—
everything will change—and not for the better.
“And from my own experience, I can say that our struggle isn’t that bad at all. Sure—we are
different. And we hurt. Sometimes very much. But is it really always that bad?
“It’s not a bad thing to be different. It makes us lonely at times, but it also enables us to see and feel
things so deeply that many heterosexual men would envy us if they knew how that felt. Everything
has its up-side and its down-side.
“I recently worked at a brother’s house doing some construction work with other men from my
church. They all love me and I love them. They know about my homosexual struggle and they know
about my past life. They know that sometimes I struggle. So what! Everyone out there is hurting. If
you don’t realize that you’re either very naive or believe in other people’s facades.
“The men at my church love me like they love each other. They hug me, touch me—and have no
problem with that. They care about me—not, as in the gay life—just sex! That’s such an incredible
feeling!
“And, as I said earlier, I know that a sexual relationship with a man won’t satisfy my needs. I’ve
come a long way and I know I can have a truly satisfying life. I needed to change many of my old
ways of thinking, attitudes, and behavior patterns to get to this point, but it works! I have a fulfilled
life as a man who still has some same-sex attractions.
“I also have made friends with a lady now. I don’t know where this will lead, but it sure is a very
good feeling!
“Above all, I’ve learned that we need to trust the Lord instead of how much we think we understand
with our human ‘wisdom’ or ‘common sense’, or how we feel. Isn’t that what faith is all about?
“Just for discussion’s sake, let’s assume God exists and knows what is best for us. He created us and
knows what happens who we choose to disobey. He also knows how stubborn we can be. Don’t all
those feeling of loneliness, unhappiness, anger, self-pity, etc. come when we turn our face away
from Him and try to live our own way according to our own wisdom and/or feelings?
“D—, I know that you have resisted acting out by having sex with another man—it just doesn’t seem
to be in your heart yet. Believe me when I say I know how difficult this struggle is. When I got into
recovery it was after sharing my life with another man for years. Every night he had slept by my side
and I could hear him breathing regularly. He was there when I went to bed and when I got up. And
we had sex together—lots of sex. Can you realize how lonely you can feel at night in your bed after
that? I cried many tears.
“Still, God was with me. He helped me and I am truly thankful for that. He literally saved my life.
“And he can save yours—if you will only surrender to him and forget about your own wisdom and
reason. Let Him rule your life—even when you can’t understand what He is trying to do with it. And
as you do this, never forget that He loves you with a love that passes knowledge.
“God bless you, D—,
“Your friend,
“Robert.”
John J. replies
Dear D—
Thank you for your good letter to Robert, for permission to share it with others, and for the honesty
with which you wrote. Your letter brought back memories of things I felt in my first days of
recovery and again and again I found myself saying, “Been there; thought that; felt that.”
Let me stress, D—, these feelings and thoughts are now memories. I can assure you from my own
experience that things will not always seem so grim. If you stick it out with Christ, work your
program faithfully, things will get better—much better if my experience is any guide.
I went back over some of my journals from those early days and your letter and my experiences back
then brought up these thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you.
As you read, please remember that I do not know anything about you save what you wrote in your
letter. If I inadvertently step on a land mine in your soul and you are wounded, please forgive me
and believe me when I say it is totally unintentional. You have enough pain to deal with now without
anyone adding to it, and that’s the last thing I want to do.
Also please remember that I am not writing as someone who is or was better than you are. I am only
writing as one God has mercifully brought through the darkness you are battling now. I have thought
much of what you are thinking; I have felt much of what you are feeling. Neither one of us has any
hope of standing before the judgment throne of God except that found in the blood and righteousness
of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I remember that when I was in such terrible pain, I responded much like an animal caught in a trap. I
would snarl and try to bite those who wanted to help me—especially God Himself.
I regret all that now that I am enjoying sunnier days, but it was there when I was in darkness. As
someone has said, “When God takes us through the fire, dross is what comes out!” The result, in my
case, is not yet pure gold, but it is purer gold than it once was. I’m sure you too will find it so in the
not-too-distant future if you “keep yourself in the love of God” (Jude 21).
You are very astute when you write: “there are serious ethical and theological issues that place the
theology I have been taught in direct conflict with the God that created my universe.”
It seems to me that you are struggling with the doctrines of the love of God and the sovereignty of
God. I’ve struggled with those doctrines too, so please bear with me as I share the things that have
helped me and hope will throw at least some light on the path you are walking.
The Love of God
Back in my own dark days, I’m afraid I often reacted toward God much like a sullen, spoiled child
who storms out of the room, shouting at his parents, “If you don’t give me what I want, if you don’t
do what I think you ought to do, you don’t love me!” Like a child who assumes he knows what is
best for him, I assumed I was wiser than God and surely knew what was good for me better than He
did.
You’d think my own childhood would have taught me better. I had been told by my parents never to
ride double on a bicycle because it was dangerous and I might get hurt. But I, in my great wisdom,
thought I knew better. “I’m tired of being treated like a little kid,” I told myself, “I’m going to act
like a man!” So I got on the back of a friend’s bike and we took off down a steep hill. We were
flying! Every-thing was fine until we got to the curve at the bottom of the hill. We were going so fast
we couldn’t make the turn. The bike crashed and I landed on my face. I broke my two front teeth and
my face looked like a cross between hamburger and a skinned knee! So much for knowing better
than my parents.
I wish I could say that I learned the lesson of humility from that experience, but it should be clear
from what I’ve said about my dealings with God that I am a very slow learner!
So how did God teach me that He loves me even when He doesn’t do what I expect and give me the
things I think would be good for me?
Fortunately, I knew the Bible was the Word of God and even in my worst moments continued
studying it. As I did so, I found something that at first seemed strange. The Apostle Paul could write
that “the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all,
therefore all have died; and he died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves
but for him who for their sake died and was raised” (II Corinthians 5:14,15 ESV). Yet this same man
who says the love of Christ controls him also, in this very letter, describes his life as involving “far
greater labors [than the false teachers who attacked him], far more imprisonments, with countless
beatings, and often near death. Five times I received at the hands of the Jews forty lashes less one.
Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was ship-wrecked; a night and
a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger
from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at
sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and
thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure” (II Corinthians 11:23-27 ESV). How could he be
controlled by—even believe in—the love of Christ when his life involved so much hardship and
suffering? It didn’t seem to make sense!
And then I read this: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or
persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For your sake we face death
all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels
nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus
our Lord” (Romans 8:35-39 NIV).
While I was puzzling over these seemingly strange verses, I came across the story of a Biblebelieving pastor’s wife who was dying of cancer and was in considerable pain. Her doctor was not a
Christian and, forgetting her own problems, she sought to be of help to him by telling him of the
love of God in Christ Jesus.
The doctor was irritated and responded with that cruelty which only those who despise God and His
people are capable of. He shouted at her, “Love of God! Love of God! How can you talk about the
love of a God who lets you suffer so? How can you still talk about God’s love?”
The woman was taken aback and leaned back on her pillow for a moment as she prayed for him, and
then she smiled gently and quoted two verses to him: “This is how God showed his love among us:
He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him” (I John 4:9 NIV). “In
this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation
(the word means wrath removing sacrifice) for our sins: (I John 4:10 ESV). I don’t know what the
effect of those words was on that doctor, but they made a light go on in my head and that light
dispelled the fog of confusion and doubt.
Another passage popped into my head: “When we were still helpless, Christ died for the wicked, at
the time that God chose. It is a difficult thing for someone to die for a righteous person. It may be
that someone might dare to die for a good person. But God has shown us how much he loves us: it
was while we were still sinners that Christ died for us” (Romans 5:6-8 TEV)!
There are other passages that teach the same truth, of course. I won’t tire you by repeating them. If
you wish, you can look up the cross references in your Bible for the passages I have quoted. I picked
these because they were the ones that helped me.
Those passages showed me that there is only one place I can look to and be sure of the love of God.
That place is Calvary!
Later I read that others had seen the same truths that God had used to help me (surprise, surprise!).
Dr. James Moffatt wrote: “One of the surprising results yielded by any close examination of
Christianity as revealed in the New Testament literature is that apart from the redeeming action of
the Lord Jesus Christ the early Church evidently saw no ground whatsoever for believing in a God of
love.” [James Moffatt, Love in the New Testament, (London: 1932), p. 5 quoted in Leon Morris,
Testaments of Love: A Study of Love in the Bible, p. 129]
To be honest, as I think of the things of which I am deeply ashamed, and think of the great love God
showed someone like me—a rebel, unclean, a sinner—in allowing Christ to die in my place and take
the punishment that I deserved, I feel ashamed of my former “what have you done for me lately”
attitude.
You might ask, why is the cross the only place we can look to be sure of the love of God? First, our
experiences will change from day to day. We live in a sin-cursed world and therefore we can expect
that, because of God’s mercy, things will sometimes go well; but, because of the curse, things will
also sometimes be difficult. We must learn to rejoice in all that is good and to accept that which is
difficult until heaven (where there is only good) is ours.
Again, we live in the midst of sinners who hate Christ and may hate us (see John 15:18-21). Their
rejection and persecution can be a real source of pain. We must accept that, “deny ourselves, take up
our cross, and follow Him,” and remember that to save our life is the sure way to lose it (Mark 8:3438).
Finally, while I cannot speak for you, I know I am still a sinner with many rough edges that need to
be smoothed down. God sometimes allows difficulties in my life to, like sandpaper, get rid of those
things that make me unfit, at present, for the inheritance of the saints of light. He is not only
preparing heaven for me; He is preparing me for heaven. I suspect it is so with you as well. So we
can learn to obey the injunction of Scripture: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face
trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance (the ESV
translates this steadfastness). Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and
complete, not lacking anything” (James 1:2-4 NIV).
That will be ours when we either go to be with Christ or when He comes back to take us to be with
Himself. And, as the old hymn says, “That will be glory for me!”
Since Calvary has shown me the heart of God, I am learning to trust that heart and His wisdom to
give me, not what seems good to me, but what is actually good for me at any given time. It means
living by faith, not by sight, but this is what God calls us to do (see II Corinthians 5:7).
Dear brother, these are tough questions you raise and I hope these words help with them. But do look
to Calvary and see the heart of God toward you and me with all our weakness and folly and rebellion
and rest your weary soul there. If you can do that, it will be well with you.
Please understand, D—, I have more than a little experience of how difficult it can be to direct your
thoughts to the love of God proved on Calvary when you are hurting. But I did find some help that
enabled me to do that and revel in His love in the midst of pain.
A verse that gave me a good clue is I Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what
is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But
when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it” (NIV).
The words “a way out” hit home. If there was a way out, how was I to find it?
About this time someone suggested the book, The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It’s a
secular book about cognitive therapy and is on the HA Book Ministry List if you’d like a copy for
yourself.
Dr. Burns wrote, “Many people believe that their bad moods result from factors beyond their control.
They ask, ‘How can I possibly feel happy? My girlfriend rejected me. Women always put me down”
[The Feeling Good Handbook, p. 3]. While acknowledging that “our feelings...are influenced by
external events, by our body chemistry, and by conflicts and traumas from the past,” he notes these
ideas “are based on the notion that our feelings are beyond our control. If you say, ‘I just can’t help
the way I feel,’ you will only make yourself a victim of your misery—and you’ll be fooling yourself,
because you can change the way you feel. If you want to feel better, you must realize that your
thoughts and attitudes—not external events—create your feelings.” [Ibid., p. 3-4].
One of the ways we create painful feelings, Dr. Burn says, is by telling ourselves (usually repeatedly
in our self-talk) that things are worse than they actually are. I did that and I see several places in your
letter where it looks to me as if you are doing that. Please don’t take offense. I don’t know how I can
be of help without dealing with some false beliefs in your letter rather than just use general
examples. I only note these things to try and help you feel better and enjoy the love of God again.
You write, “I cannot have what I want, what I need.” It is a sure road to trouble to equate “want”
with “need”. Need is a dangerous, over-used word in our culture. While it is true that one may want
sex—want it very badly—it is not true that sexual activity is a need. Neither Christ nor Paul had
intercourse with anyone, and Paul went so far as to say “it is good for a man not to marry” (I
Corinthians 7:1 NIV) and to “wish that all men” were as he was (I Corinthians 7:7 NIV) because “an
unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married
man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are
divided” (I Corinthians 7:32-34a NIV).
Thus, while marriage is ordained by God, and is good, and is to be the experience of most people, it
is not a need that one cannot live without and can be a positive hindrance to one’s service to the
Lord.
When one ignores these facts and continually tells himself that he is being denied something he
“needs,” he is making himself more miserable than necessary. While it is perfectly true that “single
blessedness” is not always easy or pleasant, it is also true that “married bliss” is not necessary to
everyone’s life or well being.
Further, you seem to have an idealized but unrealistic view of the blessings of heterosexuality.
“Other people get it all... They get to fall madly in love, the love at all those levels—emotionally,
sexually—and can enjoy every aspect of oneness with another person.”
D—, your own parent’s marriage should alert you to the fact that this is not the way it is all the time.
The divorce statistics should help you see that this is not the way it is even most of the time. If you
have married friends who are open with you about the struggles they face in their marriages, you will
surely know that marriage is not heaven! There are a number of very good marriages, but they take a
lot of work, a lot of struggle, and a lot of sacrifice. Marriage is not instant glory!
I have several heterosexual friends who have been through divorce—a couple of them more than
once. Let me assure you that as painful as singleness can be, it is nothing compared to the pain of
splitting up. One friend described it as like having your arms pulled out of their sockets. He and his
wife were one; they are so no longer. The separation was incredibly traumatic. That is a pain you
might thank God you have never known.
An honest look at these realities and at yourself might convince you that, while your same-sex
attractions may make a good marriage impossible at this time, they may not be the only things you
have to deal with if you are to have what you want.
So sexual activity is not a need and marriage is not a guarantee of happiness. What are we to do?
As long as one stays focused on what he or she cannot have at present, they fail to see what they can
have which could help them find a good measure of joy now.
God said, you remember, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18 NIV). There are two
provisions He made to meet that need.
The first was a wife for Adam. God had been his only Father and he had no wounds from childhood
that left him unready for marriage. That’s not true of you.
But there is another provision God has given us to assuage our loneliness—friendship.
Please don’t close your mind! C. S. Lewis notes, “To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest
and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue” [The Four Loves, p.
57]. You might want to read this book—especially the chapter on “Friendship”.
One of my straight male friends who went through a painful divorce has told me that he plans never
to marry again. He feels that he can get everything from his male friends that he could get from a
woman except sex, and he says he can do without that. He thinks the price is too high!
Of course that solution opens up a whole new series of problems. Men who struggle with
homosexuality and usually no better at making friends with men than we are at having sex with
women. It’s part of the problem.
But here, at least, is a place you can start to fill your life with good things. It will take time
(friendships don’t sprout overnight) and work (you have to be a friend to make friends) and
patience—but I can tell you from my own experience, the rewards are more than worth the effort.
My friendships are what sustain me through the many rough patches of life and are a deep source of
joy in my own singleness.
So, I plead with you, stop thinking thoughts that only make you feel worse and start taking actions
that can give you a good chance at real happiness now. Why deprive yourself of the good things of life
simply because you can’t have all you want?
The Sovereignty of God
Another area that seems to have caused much of your pain is a misunderstanding of the doctrine of the
sovereignty of God. That this would be a problem is not surprising, for good Christians have debated
how we are to understand what the Bible teaches on that subject for many centuries. How do we
approach such a difficult and problematical doctrine?
First, I hope you will agree that we must approach it humbly. We must remember that God Himself has
warned us, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts
than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8,9 ESV).
You might be tempted as ask, “Well if God’s thoughts and ways are so far beyond us, how can we
know anything about Him? The Apostle Paul answers, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the
heart of man imagined, what God has prepared ‘for those who love him,—these things God has
revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. For who
knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one
comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. Now we have received not the spirit of the
world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. And
we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual
truths to those who are spiritual. The natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for
they are folly to him, and he is not able to understand them because they are spiritually discerned” (I
Corinthians 2:9-14 ESV).
If we can only know as much of a person as he or she chooses to reveal to us, how much more can we
only know God through what He chooses to reveal? And He has chosen to reveal Himself to us, insofar
as it is possible for Him to make Himself known to finite and fallen creatures.
Paul explains the process. In I Corinthians 2:10 “the word us is emphatic in the Greek sentence. It
cannot refer to all Christian people, for we are not all recipients of direct, divine revelation. It must
rather refer to the apostles” [John R. W. Stott, Basic Christian Leadership, p. 61] “In both I Corinthians
2:10 and Ephesians 3:4-5, God is the author of the revelation, the Spirit is its agent, and the apostles are
its recipients” (Idem.).
The Holy Spirit “is presented to us in four stages as ‘searching,’ ‘revealing,’ ‘inspiring’ and
‘enlightening.’ Together these four verbs sum up the relations between the Holy Spirit and the Holy
Scriptures” (Idem.).
The Spirit (1) searches “even the depths of God” (2:10b); (2) He then revealed what God has prepared
for those who love Him to the Apostles (2:10a); (3) the Apostles then imparted what He had taught
them to those who are spiritual in words taught by the Spirit (2:13); (4) the Spirit must still give
understanding of what has been revealed, even to those who are spiritual (2:14).
Thus we are entirely dependent on God both to make Himself known and to open our sin-blinded eyes
that we may know what He has revealed for us (see Psalm 119:18). So humility is definitely in order.
And what is Christian humility? John R. W. Stott writes, “Submission to the authority of Scripture is the
way of personal Christian humility. Nothing is more obnoxious in us who claim to follow Jesus Christ
than arrogance, and nothing is more appropriate or attractive than humility. And an essential element in
Christian humility is the willingness to hear and receive God’s Word. Perhaps the greatest of all our
needs is to take our place again humbly, quietly and expectantly at the feet of Jesus Christ, in order to
listen attentively to his Word, and to believe and obey it. For we have no liberty to disbelieve or disobey
him’ [The Contemporary Christian, p. 184].
How does one become humble? “If anyone would like to acquire humility, I can, I think, tell him the
first step. The first step is to realize that one is proud. And a biggish step, too. At least, nothing whatever
can be done before it. If you think you are not conceited, it means you are very conceited indeed.” [C. S.
Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 108] “As long as you are proud, you cannot know God” (Ibid., p. 104].
So we must pray against the most deadly of the seven deadly sins whenever we approach the Bible.
If you are doing that from your heart, what is to be found in the Bible about the sovereignty of God
(remembering we can only hit the high points in an article)?
First, the Bible clearly teaches that God is sovereign. “In its own dramatic and figurative way the Bible
leaves us in no doubt of this. The breath of all living creatures is in his hand. The thunder is his voice
and the lightening his fire. He causes the sun to shine and the rain to fall. He feeds the birds of the air
and clothes the lilies of the field. He makes the clouds his chariot and the winds his messengers. He
causes the grass to grow. His trees are well watered. He calms the raging of the sea. He also guides the
affairs of people and nations. The mighty empires of Assyria and Babylonia, of Egypt and Persia, of
Greece and Rome, were under his overruling control. He called Abraham from Ur. He delivered the
Israelites from Egypt, led them across the desert and settled them in the Promised Land. He gave them
judges and kings, priests and prophets. Finally he sent his only Son into the world to live, to teach, to
die and to rise again.” [John R. W. Stott, Christian Basics, p. 59]
To cite just a few of the Scriptures that teach this truth: “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours.
Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head over all. Both riches and honor come from
you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and
to give strength to all” (I Chronicles 29:11,12 ESV). “Remember the former things of old; for I am God,
and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and
from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my
purpose’” (Isaiah 46:9,10 ESV). “At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven,
and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives
forever, for his dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom endures from generation; all the
inhabitants of the earth are accounted as nothing, and he does according to his will among the host of
heaven and among the inhabitants of the earth; and none can stay his hand or say to him,’ What have
you done?’” [Daniel 4:34,35 ESV]. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will
fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered” (Matthew
10:29,30 ESV). God “works all things according to the counsel of his will” (Ephesians 1:11 ESV).
Please don’t be frustrated. I know these truths have been the source of much of your perplexity. They
are true—but they are not the whole truth.
The Responsibility of Man
While the Bible clearly teaches that God is sovereign, it also teaches with equal clarity that He holds
man—you and me—responsible for his (or our) actions. As John R. W. Stott puts it, “Scripture
recognizes both our ignorance (‘they do not know what they are doing’) and our weakness (‘he
remembers that we are dust’), but it dignifies us by holding us accountable for our thoughts and actions”
[Evangelical Essentials, p. 321]. This seems to be an area you have underestimated in your thinking so
I’m going to give it some extra attention. Where is man’s responsibility taught in the Bible?
When our first parents ate the forbidden fruit, did God say, “Since I am sovereign, it is all my fault. I’m
the One to blame. I’m sorry”? The Bible says God “drove out the man, and at the east of the garden of
Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of
life” (see Genesis 3:1-24, quoting verse 24 ESV).
When Cain murdered his brother Abel, did God say, “Since I am sovereign, it is all my fault. I’m the
One to blame. I’m sorry”? The Bible says, “And the Lord said, ‘What have you done? The voice of your
brother’s blood is crying to me from the ground. And now you are cursed from the ground...” (see
Genesis 4:1-16, quoting verses 10, 11a ESV).
When “God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt, for all flesh had corrupted their way on the
earth”, did God say, “Since I am sovereign, it is all my fault. I’m the One to blame. I’m sorry”? The
Bible says, “And God said to Noah, ‘I have determined to make an end of all flesh, for the earth is filled
with violence through them. Behold, I will destroy them with the earth” (Genesis 6:12,13 ESV). The
flood was the result.
When the Lord heard that Sodom and Gomorrah’s “sin is very grave” (Genesis 18:20 ESV) did He say,
“Since I am sovereign, it is all my fault. I’m the One to blame. I’m sorry”? The Bible says, “The Lord
rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from the Lord out of heaven. And he overthrew those
cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities” (Genesis 19:24,25 ESV).
The Bible is very clear that just as He held those in these examples (and you can find many others in
Scripture) responsible for their acts, so He will hold all human beings responsible for their deeds when
He judges the world in righteousness. Meditate on these words: “Rejoice, O young man in your youth,
and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of
your eyes. But know that for all these things, God will bring you into judgment” (Ecclesiastes 11:9
ESV). “God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil”
(Ecclesiastes 12:14 ESV). “Behold, all souls are mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the
son is mine: the soul who sins shall die” (Ezekiel 18:4 ESV). “As I live, declares the Lord God, I have
no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live; turn back, turn
back from your evil ways, for why will you die...” [Ezekiel 33:11 ESV). “Come now, let us reason
together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are
red lie crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of
the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the Lord has
spoken it” (Isaiah 1:18-20 ESV). “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy
that leads to destruction and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard
that leads to life, and those who find it are few” (Matthew 7:13,14 ESV). “Not everyone who says to me,
‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my father who is in
heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out
demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I
never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness” (Matthew 7:21-23 ESV). “O Jerusalem,
Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to it! How often would I have
gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brook under her wings, and you would not! See,
your house is left to you desolate” (Matthew 23:37,38 ESV). “Do you presume on the riches of his
kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to
repentance? But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the
day of wrath when God’s righteous judgment will be revealed” (Romans 2:4,5 ESV). “Do not be
deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his
own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit
reap eternal life” (Galatians 6:7,8 ESV).
Not only does the Bible teach both that God is sovereign and that man is responsible, but it sometimes
does so in the very same verse! Thus Joseph tells the brothers who persecuted him, plotted his death,
and sold him into slavery, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it
about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today” (Genesis 50:20 ESV). Note that God’s
sovereignty in the matter did not change the fact that what the brothers meant was evil! On the night of
the Last Supper Jesus said, “For the Son of Man goes as it has been determined, but woe to that man by
whom he is betrayed” (Luke 22:22 ESV)! On the day of Pentecost Peter charges his hearers, “This
Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by
the hands lf lawless men” (Acts 2:23 ESV). God’s sovereignty did not cancel their guilt and they knew
it for “they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we
do?’ And Peter said to them, ‘Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for
the forgiveness of your sins...” (Acts 2:37,38 ESV). The early believers prayed, “Truly in this city there
were gathered together against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed, both Herod and Pontius
Pilate, along with the Gentiles and the peoples of Israel, to do whatever your hand and your plan had
predestined to take place” (Acts 4:27-28 ESV). The fact that God’s plan was being carried out did not
relieve the guilt of those who gathered together against God’s Son!
While teaching God’s sovereign control of all that comes to pass, the Bible is quite clear about who is to
blame when we sin. “Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am being tempted by God,’ for God cannot
be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and
enticed by his own desire. The desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully
grown brings forth death” (James 1:13-15). Whatever view one takes of divine sovereignty, it must not
deny the clear teaching of these verses. When we sin, we are to blame! To suggest that sin is God’s
doing is to make Him evil!
Let me illustrate. Suppose I know a man who is an alcoholic. I am fully aware of his weakness. Suppose
I then buy a bottle of gin and wave it under his nose. Suppose, as a result, he “falls off the wagon”. He
sins by getting drunk, but aren’t I also guilty of sin by tempting him? Of course I am! So those who
follow Adam’s example (“The woman who you gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit of the tree,
and I ate” (Genesis 3:12 ESV emphasis mine) will, like Adam, find that their attempts to implicate God
in their sin will only add to their guilt and make them even more deserving of judgment.
You may be saying, “I’m confused! I don’t understand how God can be sovereign and I can be
responsible at the same time!” Of course you don’t. To understand God’s sovereignty you would have
to be God’s equal. Think of these words: “If we attempt to comprehend God, the God we think we
understand is not God.... God’s presence and activity are beyond our ability to comprehend. We can
accept them with faith. We can be deeply thankful for them. But there is no way we can grasp them,
describe them, and explain them.... The closer we are to God, the less we know about God” [PseudoMacarius, Homilies quoted by Richard A. Kauffman, “Spiritual Classics,” Christianity Today,
(September 2006), p. 112]. Or, as the Bible puts it: “The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but
the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of
this law”(Deuteronomy 29:29).
D, I want to thank you for bearing with me thus far. I hope some of the things we’ve shared have helped
you out of the darkness you were feeling. Let me take just a little more time to sum up and apply what
we’ve talked about.
To begin with, how do we know that God loves us? Clearly it is not because everything goes our
way. The Bible answer to that question is the cross of Christ. As the great Scotch theologian James
Denney has written, “The death of Christ is...a demonstration of [the love of God]....which can never
be surpassed.” [The Death of Christ, p. 88]
Once we grasp this truth, we are enabled to trust Him when things seem to be going against us, even
when we cannot understand why (something we may understand later and will understand in
heaven). To illustrate, take the story of Joni Eareckson Tada. As a teenager, she dived into a pool,
struck her head, and became a quadriplegic. This vibrant, young, athletic woman has been confined
to a wheelchair for over two decades. At first she was angry with God but listen to her now: “Lord,
your no answer to physical healing meant yes to a deeper healing—a better one. Your answer has
bound me to other believers and taught me so much about myself. It’s purged sin from my life, it’s
strengthened my commitment to you, forced me to depend on your grace. Your wiser, deeper answer
has stretched my hope, refined my faith, and helped me to know you better. And you are good. You
are so good.... I know I wouldn’t love you...I wouldn’t love and trust you...were it not for—....this
wheelchair.” The God I Love: A Memoir, p. 356] “Oh, thank you, thank you for this wheelchair!...
By tasting hell in this life, I’ve been driven to think seriously about what faces me in the next. This
paralysis is my greatest mercy.... It was your roadblock, God, to keep me from totally messing up
my life. Thank you, bless you. My sin would have only gotten worse in college. And I know, I truly
know, I would have been lost to you forever.” [Ibid., p. 340-341]
D, this is what the life of faith is all about—trusting God’s love revealed on Calvary even though
things are dark and confusing. This is what God calls us to and concerning which He tests us so we
can learn whether we have faith or not (and if not, come to real faith) and where our faith may be
weak and we need to seek grace and take action to strengthen it.
Secondly, while the Bible teaches that God is sovereign and in control of all things, it also teaches
that we are responsible for our actions. While we cannot bring these two truths together in our
limited minds, the problem is not with either of the truths, but with the fact that we are finite and
fallen.
To illustrate, I recently taught a Sunday school class on Isaiah 7-12. In my preparation, I came across
this comment on Isaiah 10:5-19 asking how God could judge Assyria when it was the rod of God’s
anger sent by him to punish Israel. “Assyria’s was a savage imperialism, pursued without asking and
without quarter: Was this the Lord’s doing? No wonder Habakkuk was aghast at the thought (Hab. 1:513), even if in the end he would not have it otherwise (Hab. 3:17-19). There is only one Agent and he
does all things well. Under him, history is the outworking of moral providences. The Assyrian holocaust
was not ‘let loose’ on the world; it was sent, directed where it was merited (6), kept within heaven’s
limits, and in the end Assyria was punished for its excesses (12). But if the Assyrian Empire is but an
axe or saw, how is it culpable?... At this point we come face to face with the biblical paradox: the Lord
is sovereign, but his instruments are morally responsible agents. Isaiah goes out of his way to show us a
real human agent at work.... We are introduced to the Assyrians’ thoughts (8,13), their mind (7) and
their hand (10,13-14). In six verses the first person verb is used seven times and the first person pronoun
four. The affirmation of agency is unmistakable” [J. Alec Motyer, The Prophecy of Isaiah: An
Introduction & Commentary, p. 113].
Thirdly, whatever view one takes of the sovereignty of God, James 1:13-15 is very clear that we cannot
blame Him for either our temptations or our sins. As the nineteenth century theologian Albert Barnes
wrote, “This is one of the most positive and unambiguous of all the declarations in the Bible, and one
of the most important. It may be added, that it is one which stands in opposition to as many feelings
of the human heart as perhaps any other one. We are perpetually thinking—the heart suggests it
constantly—that God does place before us inducements to evil, with a view to lead us to sin. This is
done in many ways: (a) Men take such views of his decrees as if the doctrine implied that he meant
that we should sin, and that it could not be otherwise than that we should sin. (b) It is felt that all
things are under his control and that he has made his arrangements with a design that men should do
as they actually do, (c) It is said that he has created us with just such dispositions as we actually
have, and knowing that we would sin. (d) It is said that, by the arrangements of his Providence, he
actually places inducements before us to sin, knowing that the effect will be that we will fall into sin,
when he might easily have prevented it. (e) It is said that he suffers some to tempt others when he
might easily prevent it if he chose, and that this is the same as tempting them himself. Now, in
regard to these things, there may be much which often troubles the heart even of the good; yet the
passage before us is explicit on one point, and all these things must be held in consistency with
that—that God does not place inducements before us with a view that we should sin, or in order to
lead us into sin. None of his decrees, or his arrangements, or his desires, are based on that, but all
have some other purpose and end. The real force of temptation is to be traced to some other source—
to ourselves, and not to God.” [“James,” Barnes Notes, p. 24-25]
Fourthly, how are we to face our temptation to give up on God when He does not answer our prayers
that we be set free? This, for many, is a real problem. “In one of Somerset Maugham’s best-known
novels, Of Human Bondage, there is the story of a little boy named Phillip. Born with a clubfoot, Phillip
is crippled and very self-conscious about his deformity. One day he hears that God can do anything if
we will only pray and ask Him for it. So before going to sleep one night he looks down at his twisted
foot and asks God to straighten it out for him by the next morning. He then falls asleep fully expecting
that by the next day his foot will be normal. But when he awakens and pulls back the covers, Phillip
discovers that his foot is still misshapen and ugly. He is hurt and disillusioned. The experience is the
beginning of his loss of faith.” [David Seamands, Putting Away Childish Things, p. 72]
As Dr. Seamands’ title suggests, the problem is a childish view of prayer. C. S. Lewis explains, “Prayer
is not a machine. It is not magic. It is not advice offered to God.... It would be even worse to think of
those who get what they pray for as a sort of court favorites, people who have influence with the throne.
The refused prayer of Christ in Gethsemane is answer enough to that.” [C. S. Lewis, The World’s Last
Night and Other Essays, p. 10]
What we are really facing again is do I believe that God loves me. If I do, I will believe, as Max Lucado
puts it, “God withholds what we desire in order to give us what we need” [A Love Worth Giving, p. 39].
I will remember: "There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers" [St.
Theresa of Jesus in Treasury of Women's Quotations, p. 241]. And I will think like Saint Teresa of
Avila who “was insightful enough to pray, 'Do not punish me by granting that which I wish or ask.'"
[Max Lucado, The Applause of Heaven, p. 181]
I will remember what the ancient saints have always known: "Virtues are connected with suffering. He
who flees suffering is sure to be parted from virtue. If you desire virtue, give yourself up to every kind
of suffering. For suffering engenders humility. Until we have attained true knowledge, we advance
toward humility by means of trials. He who rests on his virtue without suffering has the door of pride
open before him" [St. Isaac the Syrian, "Directions on Spiritual Training," Early Fathers from the
Philokalia, p. 200].
This will help me say with Brother Lawrence, "The sorest afflictions never appear intolerable, except
when we see them in the wrong light. When we see them as dispensed by the hand of God, when we
know that it is our loving Father who abases and distresses us, our sufferings lose their bitterness and
become even matter of consolation" [Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God, p. 75-76]. And
this will enable me to follow his counsel: "Ask of God, not deliverance from your pains, but strength to
bear resolutely, for the love of Him, all that He should please, and as long as He shall please" [Ibid., p.
72].
And so pain, yours and mine, either leads us to trust Christ or to turn from Him. The choice is ours and
we are responsible.
Hebrews in the New Testament speaks to just such a choice. Some Jewish people who had professed
faith in Christ were suffering severe persecution. No doubt they had prayed for its removal, but to no
avail. Now, instead of trusting Christ, they were thinking of turning away from him. The Holy Spirit
warns them: “It is impossible to restore again to repentance those who have once been enlightened,
who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of
the word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they then fall away, since they are crucifying
once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him in contempt. For land that has drunk the
rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a
blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worth-less and near to being cursed, and its
end is to be burned” (Hebrews 6:4-8 ESV). “For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the
know-ledge of the truth, there no longer remains any sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of
judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who set aside the law of Moses
dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you
think, will be deserved by the one who has spurned the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the
covenant by which he was sanctified and has out-raged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said,
‘Vengeance is mine; I will repay.’ And again, ‘The Lord will judge his people. It is a fearful thing to fall
into the hands of the living God” (Hebrews 10:26-31 ESV).
The Apostle Peter speaks to those who were tempted to turn from Christ due to moral struggles and
warned them, “If, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the know-ledge of our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has
become worse for them than the first. For it would have been better for them never to have known the
way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them.
What the true proverb says has happened to them: ‘The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after
washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire’’” (II Peter 2:20-22 ESV).
Please don’t take offense at these warnings. They are not directed to one who is struggling against sin,
nor to one who has fallen into sin, but who, by God’s grace, decides to rise, confess, receive Christ’s
forgiveness, and fight on. They are written only to warn those who are thinking of abandoning Him.
D, I am not accusing you of such folly, though I thus write. To do otherwise would be to be unfaithful
to your soul so I’m trying to cover all the bases as we think together about your struggles. I don’t want
to fail you in any way.
I hope God will use some of this to lighten your burden and encourage you to persevere in the way of
faith in Christ. If there is anything more I can do or if you have further questions, please let me know.
God bless you, D.
--John J.
Bruce A’s reply
Dear D—:
I would be just where you are if it were not for the things God has taught me from recovery over the
years that have totally changed my perspective. Here are some of them that I hope will encourage you.
(1) Don’t make healing my God. Let God be God regardless of whether I get completely
healed or not. Please don’t misunderstand. I have experienced God’s healing over and
over, but it is not my god.
(2) The real me isn’t homosexual. God never created me to be homosexual nor does He
want me to live that way. It was not His intention that I give in to my homosexual
desires. They are not the real me. The needs behind those desires are normal, but
homosexuality itself is not normal.
(3) Satan intended to choke the life out of me with same-sex lust, pornography,
masturbation, acting out, self-pity, rebellion, fear, envy, and bitterness. Yet God
intended my struggle for good for me. I have to depend on God for peace, pardon,
purpose, and power. I am broken, but God will bring good out of that brokenness.
Because of my powerlessness over lust, same-sex attractions, and my character defects,
God gets an open door to my heart to teach me things that really matter in life. These
are great things like intimacy, growing up spiritually, emotionally, and socially,
learning to live free of lust, pornography, acting in, and acting out, learning to have
healthy relationships with men and women, and delighting in being God’s child.
Until I was ready to surrender my lust and my character defects to God, He could not or would not
take them from me. That surrender is a daily matter but it is making me the person I’ve always
wanted to be.
I get so much support from HA and Sexaholics Anonymous. I’ll never be sufficiently grateful.
Working the steps has given me a lot of freedom. It has been far more help than a lot of head
knowledge. It’s progress, not perfection, and it’s good!
I hope you find this for yourself too. Perhaps these thoughts will be of some help to you. I hope so.
God bless you D—.
POINTS TO PONDER
“When the end comes and we are taken for judgment above, we will then clearly understand in God
the mysteries that puzzle us. Not one of us will think to say, ‘Lord, if it had been some other way, all
would be well.’” [Julian of Norwich, Seasonings quoted by Richard A Kauffman, “Spiritual
Classics,” Christianity Today, (September 2006), p. 112]
PROFIT OUT OF LOSS!
So, you had a fall. And you’d just begun to think you had this thing licked. Then… How could it have
happened? What does it mean? Is homosexuality really unbeatable? Were your hopes just illusions?
Of course not! Nothing has changed but your feelings! God is the same. The promises of His Word
are still true. A fall does not make you a hopeless case. It’s a relapse, nothing more. The real progress
you made in recovery has not dissipated. Only the delusion of how strong you are is gone. You can, if
you will, profit from this. How? By working the steps anew.
Reaffirm your powerlessness over homosexuality. Have you been denying or barely admitting this, or
is it something you’ve accepted at the core of your being? Powerlessness does not mean hopelessness.
It means we cannot recover alone. We need God and His people!
Resist the temptation to draw back from God. Trust His promise to love, forgive, and accept you in
spite of all. “If...any child of the Father finds that he is afraid of Him, that the thought of God is a
discomfort to him, or even a terror, let him make haste—let him not linger to put on any garment, but
rush at once in his nakedness, a true child, for shelter from his own evil and God’s terror, into the
salvation of the Father’s arms.” [George MacDonald: 365 Readings, p. 63]
Acknowledge your fall as a failure that may bring new suffering and trouble. You have reactivated old
habit patterns and may face weeks of intense struggle before your regain your serenity. But God
reigns! He will bring good out of your pain as you walk with your hand in His.
Remember, God smashed the power of homosexuality to condemn, rule, or destroy you at the cross. It
can tempt, trouble, torment, even trip you up, if you let it; but it is not your Master. Christ is! He
delivers!
What you did does not change who you are, though it may change how you feel. You may find it
difficult to reject the lie that homosexuality is your unalterable identity, and to believe the truth that
you are a heterosexual person with a homosexual struggle who can rediscover his or her true identity
through Christ, by faith. Entrust yourself to God’s unchanging Word rather than to your fluctuating
emotions. Live by faith, not by feelings!
Write a searching and fearless moral inventory of the incident. What were you feeling beforehand?
Anger? Fear? Depression? Boredom? When did you turn away from God? Why didn’t you ask
someone for help? In what ways did you injure the one with whom you fell? Why were you willing to
do so? What other courses of action might you have taken? What have you done since the fall?
Search out the defects of character that made you vulnerable and confess them to God, to yourself, and
to another human being. Begin asking God to remove them. If wise and possible, make amends.
Re-examine your relationships. Has fear, stemming from lack of trust in God, kept you from being
open and honest with others? Have you been building mature friendships or are you still stuck in
dominant/dependent relationships? Are you growing in your walk with God? Do you talk to Him in
prayer and give daily heed to His Word? Are you enhancing your freedom by lovingly sharing it with
others, or are you too much wrapped up in yourself? Do these questions suggest new thoughts for your
moral inventory?
Resist the temptation to pull back or hide the fall from those who can help. While you alone can work
the steps, you cannot work them alone. A noted expert says, “Homosexuality is the kind of problem
that needs to be solved through relationships” [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian
Ethic, p. 42]. Fight destructive feelings of shame that isolate you, and ask for the help you need. All of
us have had more than our share of falls. “...There is no difference: for all have sinned, and come short
of the glory of God” (Romans 3:22b,23).
Above all, don’t lose heart. Someone has said, ‘A champion is not someone who never falls down, but
someone who never stays down.” “No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking
ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach
home, but the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard.
The only fatal thing is to lose one’s temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is
present in us: it is the very sign of His presence.” [Letters of C. S. Lewis, 20 January 1942]
Someone reading these lines might be saying, “I’m so ashamed. I feel God despises me. I’m afraid His
people will reject me. I fear I can never change.”
Take heart! There is a fellowship of men and women who understand your fears because they have
experienced similar distress. They know your pain because they have felt it in their own hearts. Now
they are in the process of finding relief from their pain and many are experiencing an ever-increasing
freedom from homosexuality such as they once hardly dared hope for. They are members of
Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship. Their hearts are open to you. Their hands are stretched out to
you. You can trust them to understand and care because you know they’ve stumbled along the same
difficult path you now tread.
Find the chapter nearest you on the back of your newsletter and call them. If no chapter is near, go to
the HA webpage and get involved in an on-line chapter. Order the HA Workbook, Lord, Set Me Free!
Work it! Call the office (610-779-2500) and we’ll help as much as we can! Do these things and you’ll
turn your loss into rich profit!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“What is my proudest accomplishment? I went through some pretty difficult times, and I kept my
sanity.” [Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis quoted in Christopher Andersen, Jackie After Jack, 1998, in
First Ladies Quotation Book, p. 5]
"No situation, however painful or uncongenial, is without a hidden blessing. Whether our circumstances
are due to our own ignorance, folly or sin, or whether due to the fault of others, they can always, if we
will turn to God, be turned into a creative opportunity. There are no circumstances which God cannot
use for His good purposes, and therefore for our great gain." [Anita Menderhausen in Union Life,
(January/February 1997), p. 16]
"Pain nourishes courage. You can't be brave if you've only had wonderful things happen to you." [Mary
Tyler Moore quoted by Barbara Grizzuti Harrison McCall's, Reader's Digest, (February 1986), p. 137]
BLESSING FROM PAIN
My mother and father were both previously married. I am the only child from their marriage together,
though I have several half-brothers and sisters. Both my parents held jobs, though my mother, who
worked full-time in a local factory, was the primary income earner. She was very protective of me, and,
I now see, treated me more like an "it" than a boy. My father operated a small, independent business,
but seemed more interested in fishing or going to the racetrack than in supporting the family. He was
also an alcoholic. My relationship with him was, at best, distant. Though we occasionally went fishing
together, I never felt comfortable in his presence. When he verbally or emotionally abused my mother, I
hated his very existence. This was to later bear bitter fruit as I rejected the masculine that he
represented. My maternal grandmother, who lived in the basement of our home, raised me.
Since birth I battled asthma attacks so severe that my mother and grandmother often had to take me to
the hospital weekly. When I entered school I quickly discovered I was somehow different from the boys
in my class. They played with other boys while I found myself primarily in the company of girls. While
I knew I was biologically a male, I never felt comfortable around members of my own sex. Because of
this inability to develop normal friendships I used my asthma as an excuse not to attend school (I was
out 46 days during my first school year alone). This further hindered my ability to bond with other
males.
When I was six, an older male involved me in homosexual behavior which continued until I was fifteen.
I accepted this quite readily, because, for the first time in my life, I was receiving attention and
affirmation from another male. I quickly learned to associate sex with love and love with sex. I came to
believe that to have a relationship with another male, I had to have sex with him. Soon homosexual
behavior became the focal point of my thoughts and desires and I eventually abandoned any attempt to
develop non-sexual relationships with other males.
Homosexual relationships brought a very brief sense of acceptance, but I sank into depression and selfhatred which were intensified by the taunts of male peers starting as early as the fifth or sixth grade. I
felt caught between the only means of receiving male affirmation I knew, and society's hostility toward
and God's disapproval of homosexual behavior.
At fourteen, I was baptized, though I had not accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I believed
that once I was baptized my homosexual thoughts/tendencies would leave. They did not, and I felt
disillusioned with God and Christianity. I reasoned, "God is either not able to deliver me from these
thoughts/feelings or He simply doesn't care enough about me to help." I stopped attending church and
began a ten-year period of extreme promiscuity, alcohol, and drugs. I sought after music, movies, and
anything else that glorified Satan, who began to fill the spiritual void that existed in my life. I had an
intense hatred for everyone who held beliefs opposing homosexuality and would fantasize about killing
those I thought of as opponents.
When I was seventeen I began supplementing my sexual encounters with pornography which soon
became an all-consuming, out-of-control monster. More and more was required for stimulation and
"soft" porn was replaced by more graphic and even violent material. I masturbated to pornography up to
five times a day while continuing my substance abuse, all to deaden the pain that was in my life. My
appetite for homosexual encounters continued to intensify until I was involved with several different
men a week. While the threat of AIDS was very real, the desire for the "love" and "affirmation" I felt
was so powerful that I was willing to take any risk for that sexual encounter.
I began viewing every man as a potential sexual conquest. I could "have" this man, at least in my mind,
and he could do nothing about it. I would literally imagine myself having sex with every man I met.
The lust was so intense that at times it was unbearable; it was also unquenchable.
When I was nineteen I placed an ad in the local gay and lesbian newsletter, looking for a mate. I met
and dated a very nice man, introduced him to my family (they accepted our relationship without
debate), and, after some time, we found a place, moved in together, and eventually "married" at a local
gay-affirming church we attended. We had everything the gay community said would make us happy:
a "spouse", complete acceptance from both our families, money, and our respective budding careers.
Yet I kept asking myself, "Is this it?" Before long I even considered secretly having sex with other men
to find this "something" that was missing from my life. I continued to use pornography, but it no longer
brought me any satisfaction.
I left the church which "married" us, looking for something "more." I found another church (gay
affirming, of course) where I heard enough of the gospel to call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ in
faith and be saved. The Holy Spirit put a very strong desire in me to know Christ, and I began to study
the Scriptures very seriously with a fervent desire to please Him through obedience to His Word.
My life started to change, and during this time of Bible study and prayer I began to ask myself, "Is
homosexual behavior a sin?" Initially, I had a very difficult time accepting what the Bible said about
homosexuality. I was still living with my lover and we were still having homosexual relations. As the
light of the Holy Spirit continued to increase in my heart and mind, I came under conviction and sex no
longer brought any satisfaction but rather feelings of guilt and shame. I destroyed a very expensive
collection of pornographic videos and stopped visiting "adult" bookstores. I became concerned for my
lover's salvation but it seemed that as I became stronger in the Lord, he withdrew further into the world.
He soon stopped attending church altogether.
At this time I learned of a ministry named "CrossOver" through a radio program, "Talk Net" with Bob
Larson. I wrote the director, Jerry Leach, several times over a two-year period. He demonstrated
nothing but the love of God in his letters. Then my lover and I ended our relationship and I began
attending CrossOver's weekly meetings seeking freedom from homosexuality.
All went well until the fall of 1996 when something I never thought possible happened—I relapsed and
had sex with another man. For the next thirteen months I engaged in sexual behavior on a regular basis.
Trying to live the double life of Christian/homosexual brought me a literal hell-on-earth existence! I
even prayed to die, though my heart had grown so dark I no longer knew whether or not I would go to
heaven.
God is so faithful! He continued working in my life and brought me out of the darkness into His
marvelous light. He used my failure to begin breaking me of pride and revealed His love and grace to
me as never before. The blood of Christ covered all my sins. He again freed me from homosexual
behavior and pornography. I've come to recognize that homosexuality, at its core, is not about sex but
about a breakdown (either real or perceived) in relationships between a child and members of the same
sex. As I drew closer to the Lord and to godly men He placed in my life, my intense homosexual desires
decreased and my feelings toward women have changed so dramatically that I can now envision a time,
as God ordains, of marriage. I truly believe the Lord is preparing me for such an event. My dad and I
have reconciled and I now enjoy our times together. While he is still a non-believer, God has helped
him stop drinking and he is attending a church. The starvation for love when I was a child, which I tried
to meet through sex with other men, is now being met through God and those He has brought into my
life.
I have also sensed a special call of God on my life. I am now a student in seminary with the goal of
eventual ordination to the Christian ministry. I have a powerful desire to share what God has given me
with others who struggle as I once did and, to that end, am starting an HA chapter in my area. Pray for
me and for those God will send my way—that the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ will be glorified in
continuing to set the captives free!
--Daniel S.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Life is a constant struggle. It is the story of how each person copes with the difficulties and challenges
which arise. It is important to work hard, have faith, patience and persevere in overcoming odds. It is
important to build relationships on the principles of love, loyalty and honor. Life, for me, is about
giving. If by one small act I can make someone happy, it brightens up my day." [Benazir Bhutto, Prime
Minister of Pakistan in The Most Important Thing I Know, p. 55]
"To be under pressure is inescapable. Pressure takes place through all the world: war, siege, and the
worries of state. We all know men who grumble under these pressures and complain. They are cowards.
They lack splendor. But there is another sort of man who is under the same pressure, but does not
complain. For it is the friction which polishes him. It is pressure which refines and makes him noble."
[St. Augustine in David Ogilvy, Ogilvy on Advertising, p. 51]
"Some of my fondest memories in sport were a result of failure, injuries, setbacks, or mistakes. I learned
far more about myself and gained more character in those difficult times than I ever did when success
came easily." [Peter Vidmar, Olympic Gold Medalist, Gymnastics in The Most Important Thing I
Know, p. 22]
"The labors of the farm do not seem strange to the farmer; the storm at sea is not unexpected by the
sailor; sweat causes no wonder to the hired laborer; and so to those who have chosen to live the life of
piety the afflictions of this world are not unforeseen. Nay, to each of the aforesaid is joined a labor that
is appropriate and well known to those who share it—a labor that is not chosen for its own sake, but for
the enjoyment of expected blessings. For hopes, which hold and weld together man's entire life, give
consolation for the hardships which fall to the lot of each of these." [St. Basil the Great in Steps, Vol.
10, No. 4, p. 16]
"Oh, what I owe to the file, to the hammer, to the furnace of my Lord Jesus.... Why should I start at the
plow of my Lord, that maketh deep furrows on my soul? I know that He is no idle Husbandman: He
purposeth a crop." [Samuel Rutherford, "Letters," in E. Margaret Clarkson, Grace Grows Best in
Winter, p. 67]
SMILE!
It’s possible to be in recovery and still have a good laugh! Not only is it possible, it is beneficial.
While one can fail to be serious about his or her recovery and be miserable, one can also be so
serious they are always unhappy!
Here are some actual sentences found in patients’ hospital charts which may make you wonder next
time you have to go to the hospital.
1.On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
2.The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
3.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
4.Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
5.The patient refused autopsy.
6.While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
7.The skin was moist and dry.
8.Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
9.Patient was alert and unresponsive.
10. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
11. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
12. Skin: somewhat pale but pre-sent.
13. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
14. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
15. The patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight
gain in the past three days.
--Bruce A., Norman, OK
POINTS TO PONDER
“God usually takes believers through a process of testing and maturing their faith, a process which
shows the reality of His work in their hearts.... The trials force us to confront questions like ‘Who
is God?’ and ‘What do I want?’ in real-life situations. When we persevere in faith, in spite of the
pressures to bail out, we see that our hearts are genuinely committed to God.... A trial in the biblical
sense tests our faith and our disposition toward God and His promises. Over time, our choices show
whether the gospel really means anything to us.” [Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 27-28]
“Christ is building His Kingdom with earth’s broken things.... Heaven is filling with earth’s broken
lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and
beauty.” [J. R. Miller in Pulpit Helps, (June 2002), p. 11]
“Something of defeat, something of tragedy, can be a sacrament because it stops us and causes us to
look deeper.” [Kathleen Dowling Singh in Guideposts, (September 2002), p. 11]
“It is a fact of Christian experience that life is a series of troughs and peaks. In his efforts to get
permanent possession of a soul, God relies on the troughs more than the peaks. And some of his
special favorites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else.” [Peter Marshall in
Marshall Shelley, Well Intentioned Dragons, p. 133]
HE'S GOT IT!
So many people fail to work this step and so work their recovery complaining instead of rejoicing!
When someone has been truly working the steps, while there are tough times, the overall result is joy,
not grief! Consider this letter from a man in the Traverse City, Michigan, chapter:
"I've finished Lord, Set Me Free! and it has really proved to be a wonderful blessing to me. I've
started it again because I don't believe a person ever really finishes it. It has been so much fun going
over it again and reading all my old notes and journal pages. I can see I've grown some since I started
the program and I still have a lot of growing ahead, but isn't it so fun to be growing? I think it is.
Thanks so much for all your hard work in putting this material together.... The material is wonderful.
“…I'm praying that HAFS will continue to be the tool Jesus has in mind to use, and that HAFS will
grow to meet His plans for a hurting world. Only Jesus knows how badly HAFS is needed to share his
love to a sick and dying world. There is life beyond the homosexual struggle, and that life is in Christ
Jesus our Lord. Growing in Jesus, (and it's fun), David P."
Are you delighting in your recovery? Are you having fun as you see growth and new freedom in your
life? Is Christ becoming ever more precious to you? If so, you're working your program and reaping
its benefits. If not, why not begin in earnest to do what this Bible-based program tells you needs to be
done to experience godly joy and liberty. Why not begin today?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
Count your blessings
instead of your crosses;
Count your gains
instead of your losses.
Count your joys
instead of your woes;
Count your friends
instead of your foes.
Count your smiles
instead of your tears;
Count your courage
instead of your fears.
Count your full years
instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds
instead of your mean.
Count your health
instead of your wealth;
Count on God
instead of yourself. [Unknown from Gary Y., Salem, IN.]
IS YOUR HUT BURNING?
"The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed
feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed
forthcoming.
"Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of drift-wood to protect him from the
elements, and to store his few possessions.
"But one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke
rolling up to the sky. he worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and
anger. 'God, how could you do this to me?' he cried.
"Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.
It had come to rescue him. 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We
saw your smoke signal,' they replied.
"It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at
work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, the next time your little hut is
burning to the ground it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God."
--Author Unknown, Contributed by Gary Y.
POINTS TO PONDER
“The sweetest songs often come from broken hearts.” [Old Union Reminder in Pulpit Helps, (March
2004), p. 6]
“I will always regard it as an example of God’s great mercy and inexhaustible creativity that so
unpromising a creature [as I] might begin to turn her life to the good. And not only that: the very things
that had gotten me into such irredeemable messes were the instruments of my conversion.” [Kathleen
Norris, The Virgin of Bennington quoted in Richard A. Kauffman, “Discovering God,” Christianity
Today, (April 2005), p. 92]
“We need affliction to humble us (Deut. 8:2), to teach us what sin is (Zeph. 1:12), to bring us to God
(Hosea 5:125). ‘Affliction is the diamond dust that heaven polishes its jewels with,’ wrote Robert
Leighton. Let us view God’s rod of affliction as His means to write Christ’s image more fully upon us
so that we may be partakers of His...holiness (Heb. 12:10-11). Let our afflictions move us to walk by
faith, and to wean us from the world.... May we...allow affliction to elevate our souls to heaven and
pave our way to glory (2 Cor. 4:7).” [Joel R. Beeke, “Introduction,” The Beauties of Ebenezer Erskine,
p. xx]
“Someone asked me recently if I didn’t think God was unfair, allowing me to have Parkinson’s and
other medical problems when I have tried to serve Him faithfully. I replied that I did not see it that
way at all. Suffering is part of the human condition, and it comes to us all. The key is how we react
to it, either turning away from God in anger and bitterness or growing closer to Him in trust and
confidence.” [Billy Graham in Russ Busby, Billy Graham: God’s Ambassador, p. 242]
JOY!
“While sitting in my backyard one evening, I heard a robin singing merrily from atop a TV aerial. As
I listened to him sing, I preached myself a sermon:
“’Since early dawn, that bird has done nothing but try to survive. He’s been wearing himself out
hiding from enemies and looking for food for himself and his little ones. And yet, when he gets to the
end of the day, he sings about it!
“’Here I am, created in the image of God and saved by the grace of God, and I complain about even
the little annoyances of life. One day, I will be like the Lord Jesus Christ; for that reason alone, I
should be singing God’s praises just like that robin.’” [Warren W. Wiersbe, Be Satisfied, p. 29-30]
POINTS TO PONDER
“God weeps with us so that we may someday laugh with him.” [Jurgen Moltmann quoted in Philip
Yancey, “God Behind Barbed Wire,” Christianity Today, (September 2005), p. 120]
GOD KNOWS BEST
Our Father tests us often
With suffering and with sorrow,
He tests us, not to punish us,
But to help me meet tomorrow...
For growing trees are strengthened
When they withstand the storm,
And the sharp cut of the chisel
Gives the marble grace and form...
God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain,
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain...
[Laura Ann Majors]
Two shoe salesmen were sent to Africa to open up a new market. Three days after their arrival,
the first salesman sent a cablegram: “Returning home on next plane. Can’t sell shoes here.
Everybody goes barefoot.”
Nothing was heard from the second salesman for about two weeks. And then there came a fat
airmail envelope with this message for the home office. “Fifty orders enclosed. Prospects unlimited.
Nobody here has shoes!”
Which viewpoint is yours?
“If doing God’s will is all that counts for you, then no matter what the rest of life brings, you can
find joy.” [Vernon C. Lyons in Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p. 103]
POINTS TO PONDER
“If sex is for marriage, what does the Bible say about singleness? First, it reminds us that
Jesus himself was single, although he is also set before us as God’s model for humanness.
“This should not lead us to glorify singleness (since marriage is God’s general will for human
beings, Gn. 2:18) but rather to affirm that it is possible to be single and fully human at the same
time! The world may say that sexual experience is indispensable to being human; the Bible flatly
disagrees.
“Secondly, both Jesus and his apostle Paul refer to singleness as a divine vocation for some
(Mt. 19:10-12; 1 Cor. 7:7). Paul adds that both marriage and singleness are a charisma, a gift of
God’s grace.
“Thirdly, Paul indicates that one of the blessings of singleness is that it releases people to give
their ‘undivided devotion’ to the Lord Jesus (1 Cor. 7:32-35).
“The truth is: although unmarried people may find their singleness lonely (and at times
acutely so), we will not end up in neurotic turmoil is we accept God’s will for our lives.
Unhappiness comes only if we rebel against his will.” [John R. W. Stott, “Let’s Talk About
Sex,” In Touch, (1993, no. 2), p. 3]
“Instead of bemoaning singleness, unmarried folks should seize the opportunity to live life to its
fullest. Besides, if you want to attract a mate, you are much more likely to succeed if you are happy
than if you are desperate.... If you are single longing for marriage, you need to entrust that yearning
to God....while doing good works, sharing His message and caring for people.” [Dave Meurer, “The
Grass Is Always Greener,” Focus on the Family, (February/March 2004), p. 21]
“Live every day like it’s your last, ‘cause one day you’re gonna be right.” [Ray Charles in Esquire
quoted in Reader’s Digest, (January 2004), p. 63]
“Every temptation is an opportunity of our getting nearer to God.” [J. Q. Adams]
“Not till we have become humble and teachable, standing in awe of God’s holiness and
sovereignty..., acknowledging our own littleness, distrusting our own thoughts and willing to
have our minds turned upside down, can divine wisdom become ours.” [J. I. Packer, Knowing
God, p. 101]
“There are only two things that pierce the human heart, wrote Simone Weil. One is beauty. The
other is affliction.” [Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance, p. 23]
"I wish that as a child I had understood that the Bible does not contain the phrase, 'And they all lived
happily ever after.'" [Dale Hanson Bourke, Turn Toward the Wind: Embracing Change in Your Life,
p. 11]
“Like life, few gardens have only flowers.” [Pulpit Helps, (January 2002), p. 9]
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." [Dolly Parton quoted in
Bits and Pieces, (Vol. M, No. 1), p. 17]
“Tucked away in a quiet corner of every life are wounds and scars. If they were not there, we would
need no physician. Nor would we need one another." [Charles Swindoll, Growing Strong in the
Seasons of Life, p. 78]
Trials make the promise sweet;
Trials give new life to prayer;
Trials bring me to His feet,
Lay me low, and keep me there.
[Unknown in David M. M'Intyre, The Hidden Life of Prayer, p. 83]
"In my deepest wound I saw your glory, and it dazzled me." [St. Augustine quoted in Verdell David,
"Glimpses of God," Life-Wise, (September 1999), p. 20]
"When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what,
in fact, will not make us happy. Those Divine demands which sound to our natural ears most like
those of a despot and least like those of a lover, in fact marshal us where we should want to go if we
knew what we wanted." [C. S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain, p. 47]
"Ask of God, not deliverance from your pains, but strength to bear resolutely, for the love of Him, all
that He should please, and as long as He shall please." [Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the
Presence of God, p. 72]
"...Temptation....is a...'calling card' from our Lover, to remind us that we are not alone and that we
cannot make it on our own. We need Him and His grace or we will surely mess up." [Bill Volkman,
"Discovery Your Destiny in Adversity," Union Life, (January/ February 1997), p. 5]
“The greatest gain in the world is godliness; it hath the promises of this life, and of that which is to
come. Whatsoever drops out of any promise of the Gospel, falls into the lap of a godly man; the
promises are his, and, therefore the good of the promise is his. When the promises open at any time
and give forth their virtue, they must needs give it forth to him that is wise, to him that is godly; for
godliness hath the promises. When the apostle had rebuked a sort of men that made godliness only a
stalking-horse to get gain, he presently adds, ‘but godliness is great gain, if a man be content with
what he hath.’ Godliness itself is great gain, if we have no more; but godliness brings in gain,
abundance of gain, besides itself. (Matt. vi.35,) ‘Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his
righteousness, and all these things shall be added,’ or cast in, as an advantage ‘unto you.’” [Joseph
Caryl, Bible Thoughts, p. 203-204]
“When I face the commandments of God, do I resent them? Do I feel that God is imposing an
impossible load on me? Do I groan and grumble and say, ‘Oh, this hard taskmaster who asks of me
the impossible!’? ‘If that is your attitude towards the commandments of God,’ says John [I John
5:2,3], ‘you are not keeping them, and neither are you loving God, and you are not loving your
brethren—you are outside the life altogether.’ For someone who is truly Christian does not find the
commandments of God to go against the grain. He may be acutely aware of his failure—if he is
facing them truly he must be—but he does not resent them, he loves them. He knows they are right,
and he wants to keep them and to love them. He does not feel they are a heavy load imposed upon
him; he says rather, ‘This is right; that is how I would like to live. I want to be like Christ Himself—
His commandments are not grievous.’” [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Life in God: Studies in 1 John, p.
31]
Step 4
We came to believe
that God
had already broken the power of
homosexuality
and that He could therefore restore
our true personhood.
WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?”
When one takes a serious look as his or her life, many find such an exercise to be a time of joy, a
time to count victories won, to see progress made, and to take courage as they face fresh
challenges.
Others do not have such a happy experience. They look back on life and see little progress
toward their goals, failure in their struggles, and feel despair as they think of the future. Having
been unable to solve the problems of the past, they feel they have no strength with which to face
the challenges of the future. Satan fires his big guns of condemnation, sin, law, and death, and
they feel mortally wounded and are tempted to throw up their hands and sob, “What’s the use?”
If that should be your feeling, Step 4 is the step on which you must concentrate! “We came to
believe that God had already broken the power of homosexuality and that He could therefore
restore our true personhood.”
At first sight those words may seem to mock you, but please take the time to see what they mean
and how they can help you.
Homosexuality is not, of course, the only battle with sin that people have to fight. Others have
other struggles and we can learn from their battles how we can enter into the victory that Christ
has won for us.
“Anselm, Archbishop of Canterbury, 1100, wrote a tract for the consolation of the dying who
were alarmed on account of sin. The following is an extract from it. ‘Question. Dost thou believe
that the Lord Jesus died for thee? Answer. I believe it. Question. Dost thou thank him for his
passion and death? Ans. I do thank him. Question. Dost thou believe that thou canst not be saved
except by his death? Ans. I believe it.’ And then Anselm addresses the dying man: ‘Come then,
while life remaineth in thee; in his death alone place thy whole trust; in naught else place any
trust; to his death commit thyself wholly; with this alone cover thyself wholly; and if the Lord
thy God will to judge thee, say, “Lord, between thy judgment and me I present the death of our
Lord Jesus Christ; no otherwise can I contend with thee.” And if he shall say that thou art a
sinner, say thou: “Lord, I interpose the death of our Lord Jesus Christ between my sins and thee.”
If he say that thou hast deserved condemnation, say: “Lord, I set the death of our Lord Jesus
Christ between my evil deserts and thee, and his merits I offer for those which I ought to have
and have not.” If he say that he is wroth with thee, say: “Lord, I oppose the death of our Lord
Jesus Christ between thy wrath and me.” And when thou hast completed this, say again, “Lord, I
set the death of our Lord Jesus Christ between thee and me”’...” [Augustus Hopkins Strong,
Systematic Theology, p. 849]
Not only does Christ’s death satisfy the justice of God for all out sins, but His righteousness
gives us full acceptance with God! “For as by one man’s (Adam’s) disobedience many were
made sinners, so by the obedience of one (Christ) shall many be made righteous” (Romans 5:19).
“After serving a term in the penitentiary, the convict goes out with a stigma upon him and with
no friends. His past conviction and disgrace follow him. He cannot obtain employment. He
cannot vote. Want often leads him to commit crime again; and then the old conviction is brought
up as proof of bad character, and increases his punishment.... But the justified sinner is
differently treated. He is not only delivered from God’s wrath and eternal death, but he is
admitted into God’s favor and eternal life. The discovery of this is partly the cause of the
convert’s joy. Expecting pardon, at most, he is met with unmeasured favor. The prodigal finds
the father’s house and heart open to him, and more done for him than if he had never wandered.
This overwhelms and subdues him.” [ibid., p. 857]
Augustus Toplady (1740-1778) is best known for his famous hymn Rock of Ages. Hear these
other words he wrote:
From whence this fear and unbelief?
Hast Thou, O Father, put to grief
Thy spotless Son for me?
And will the righteous Judge of men
Condemn me for that debt of sin,
Which, Lord, was laid on Thee?
If Thou hast my discharge procured,
And freely in my room endured
The whole of wrath divine,
Payment God cannot twice demand,
First at my bleeding Surety’s hand,
And then again at mine.
Complete atonement Thou hast made,
And to the utmost farthing paid
What’er thy people owed;
How then can wrath on me take place
If sheltered in Thy righteousness
And sprinkled with Thy blood?
Turn, then, my soul, unto thy rest;
The merits of thy great High-priest
Speak peace and liberty;
Trust in His efficacious blood,
Nor fear thy banishment from God,
Since Jesus died for thee!
Fight the good fight of faith! Spike Satan’s guns of condemnation and law with the blood and
righteousness of our Lord Jesus Christ!
And lest you grow discouraged as you battle sin and Satan remember that this is a battle which
every Christian is fighting. Listen to the words of the old Heidelberg Catechism: “Question 56.
What believest thou concerning “the forgiveness of sins?” Answer. That God, for the sake of
Christ’s satisfaction, will no more remember my sins, neither my corrupt nature, against which I
have to struggle all my life long, but will graciously impute to me the righteousness of Christ,
that I may never be condemned before the tribunal of God.”
As you think over the last year, remember the wise words of a great Christian, C. S. Lewis: "We
may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any merely
human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to you for
a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given. Never mind. After each failure,
ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards is not
the virtue itself but just this power of trying again. For however important chastity (or courage, or
truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul that are more
important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God. We learn,
on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the other, that
we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing is to sit
down content with anything less than perfection." [Mere Christianity, p. 86]
Remember, you are fighting an enemy Christ defeated at the cross. Sin can tempt you, trouble you,
torment you, even trip you up at times, but it is no longer your master and you are no longer its
slave. You belong to Jesus Christ and He has set and is setting you free! "There must be a constant
and increasing appreciation that though sin still remains it does not have the mastery. There is a total
difference between surviving sin and reigning sin, the regenerate in conflict with sin and the
unregenerate complacent to sin.... It is of paramount concern for the Christian...that he should know
that sin does not have dominion over him, that the forces of redeeming, regenerative, and
sanctifying grace have been brought to bear upon him..., that he is the habitation of God through the
Spirit, and that Christ has been formed in him the hope of glory. This is equivalent to saying that he
must reckon himself to be dead indeed unto sin but alive unto God through Jesus Christ his Lord."
[John Murray, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, p. 145-146]
Ponder these words: “In the worship service Sunday, Jim told about the hen who had been tied to a
post in the casita. After Jim freed her, she seemed unaware that she could move about. Though
hungry and thirsty, she stayed where she had been chained. Many things can be chains binding us,
but we need to recognize our freedom and exercise it. Let my focus be on You, Lord, on what You
have done rather than on my own failings and inabilities to make things right.” [Sarah Hornsby,
Who I Am in Jesus, p. 36-37]
“...‘Sin shall not have dominion over you.’ It may for a moment triumph, as it did in David, in
Peter, and in a host of other eminently holy men; yet still the promise is verified—as we see in the
restoring of the blessed Spirit in their spirit and conduct, in their humblings and confessions, and
holy and upright walk with God in after years—‘sin shall not have dominion over you.’” [Octavius
Winslow, The Work of the Holy Spirit, p. 77]
Remember, Christ, your life, did not die because you are having a difficult time! Look away
from sin and weakness to Him! "Jesus is the representative man for his people. The head has
triumphed, and the members share in the victory. While a man's head is above the water you
cannot drown his body." [Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit XII, p.
263]
Work through Step 4 in your HA workbook, Lord, Set Me Free! If you’ve done it once, do it
again. Be sure to do the assignment, “How To Work This Step” at the end of the chapter. Read
the material in Experience, Strength and Hope on this step. Remember, this is a relational
problem you are struggling with. That means you can’t do it alone and you can’t expect God to
set you free from the need to learn to give and receive love from others. So begin to open up to
trustworthy people about your struggles and ask them for help.
Above all, keep at it until you experience all that Christ died that you might have. Don’t let the
world, the flesh, and/or the devil cheat you out of it!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"No one's so good that he can save himself; no one's so bad that God can't save him." [Croft M.
Pentz in Pulpit Helps, (February 2000), p. 18]
“’You will know the truth, and the truth will make you free’ (John 8:32). Good feelings will not free
us. Ecstatic experience will not free us. Getting ‘high on Jesus’ will not free us. Without a
knowledge of the truth we will not be free.... Many are hampered and confused in the spiritual walk
by a simple ignorance of the truth. Worse yet, many have been brought into the most cruel bondage
by false teaching.” [Richard J. Foster, Celebration of Discipline, p. 63]
“Mystical experience without moral commitment is false religion.” [John R. W. Stott, True Wisdom,
(Chicago Sunday Evening TV Club, 1982)]
Two ways to deal with temptation: "When Ulysses came near the sirens on his wanderings and his
ship was likely to be drawn into the whirlpool, he had himself and his fellow sailors bound to the
mast so that they might resist the bewitching music. But on another occasion they had Orpheus play
his lyre, and that sweet music made the mariners deaf to the beguiling and seducing music of the
sirens." [Clarence Edward Macartney, Facing Life and Getting the Best of It, p.26]
"The intellect is the soul's navigator, but the will is its captain." [Peter Kreeft and Ronald K. Tacelli,
Handbook of Christian Apologetics, p. 31]
"God promises a safe landing but not a calm passage." [Pulpit Helps, (January 2000), p. 16]
"It strikes me that conflict is the principal feature of the Christian life this side of heaven." [Charles
Spurgeon's Little Instruction Book, p. 109]
"'Christ in me' means something quite different from the weight of an impossible ideal, something
far more glorious than the oppression of a pattern for ever beyond all imitation. 'Christ in me' means
power that carries me on, Christ giving my whole life a wonderful poise and lift, and turning every
burden into wings. All this is in it when the apostle speaks of 'Christ in you, the hope of glory.'
Compared with this, the religion which bases everything on example is pitifully rudimentary. This,
and this alone, is the true Christian religion. Call it mysticism or not—the name matters little: the
thing, the experience, matters everything. To be 'in Christ,' to have Christ within, to realize your
creed not as something you have to bear but as something by which you are borne, this is
Christianity. It is more: it is release and liberty, life with an endless song in its heart. It means
feeling within you, as long as life here lasts, the carrying power of Love Almighty; and underneath
you, when you come to die, the touch of everlasting arms." [James S. Stewart, A Man in Christ: The
Vital Elements of St. Paul's Religion, p. 169-170]
THE VOICE
It's a question I have asked myself a thousand times. Robert, why is it when you land yourself a hot
man, you are unable to enjoy him in peace? In the heat of passion, you hear a voice calling you
away from it all.
Then one day, as I was chilling on the beach with Champ, my German Shepherd, things began to
make sense.
I first saw Champ walking along the highway during a hot summer day in a bad section of New
York City. He was dirty, dehydrated and limping along the street, coming within inches of being hit
by passing cars. As I peered in my rearview mirror and saw his helpless situation, I couldn't help
but love him instantly. I pulled over and invited him into my car with some peanut butter crackers I
had on hand.
Champ came home to live with me. When I took him to the veterinarian for an exam, she told me
Champ had been wild for some time, possibly all his life, and that he might not take well to being
domesticated.
She was right. For three months, he was the epitome of nastiness, disobedience and rebellion.
However, one evening, as I brought Champ his food and sat down next to him, as was our nightly
ritual, he turned to me and licked my face. Finally, I had earned his trust and he accepted me as his
master.
The following spring, I brought Champ to the Jersey shore with me. I wanted to show him the
ocean and let him run on the beach. No one was around and, since we were miles away from
traffic, I let him off his leash to explore.
Our day was going well. I was watching the waves while Champ was chasing seagulls and playing
tag with the tide. Then, from behind us came a pack of three wild dogs. I thought they were going
to attack us, but, instead, I saw Champ running toward them. The four of them sniffed and Champ
turned away from me to run off with the pack.
All I could remember were the vet's words that Champ had been wild for some time, possibly all his
life, and he might not take well to being domesticated. Great. As soon as I grew to love this dog,
his instinct to be wild kicked in, and he took off to live the life that was instinctive to him.
As I watched the group of now four dogs scurry off down the beach, I gave a final yell and called
out Champ, come back. In the distance, I saw three figures gradually getting smaller and one
seemingly larger. It was my Champ. He turned around and he came back to me. I was a cluck not
to have seen the lesson earlier.
I had never domesticated the other three dogs, and they never accepted me as their master.
However, Champ and I had a history together. He remembered how his life was before we had met.
He recognized and practiced my authority over him and he obeyed me. He knew that, although the
pack would always be a part of him and a temptation to him, that love, security, companionship and
a home could be found with me. He also knew that I would take care of his needs. He did not have
such a guarantee running wild with the pack.
Champ heard his master's call and was unable to ignore it. Yes, Jesus. Now I get it. I finally
understand why everyone else can have a blast in the gay life but me. Not all men recognize You as
their Master. They are free and answer to no one but themselves. But, You invited me out of the
wild and domesticated me. And just as I trained Champ to live in a human's house, You are training
me to live in the Father's house.
I'm sure when I called out Champ's name to come back to me, my voice must have blended with the
chirps of the gulls and the crashing of the waves to the other three dogs. But not to my Champ. He
recognized that faint, barely audible plea as the voice of one who cared enough to give him another
shot at life, and so he walked away from the pack and he turned away from instinct to follow his
master.
And I hear YOU, Master Jesus, whispering to my heart to turn away from instinct and stick with the
One who loves me. That nagging voice in my heart that took all the joy out of my wild days...it was
You, calling me to return home. And, while You sometimes had to put Your still, small voice aside
and whip out a megaphone to reach me, I did hear You and I had no choice but to leave the wild and
return home. Thank You for caring enough to call out after me. There's no place like home.
[Reprinted by permission of Buggin' Out! Newsletter]
POINTS TO PONDER
"Is there a conflict of sin and holiness in you?.. This very fact...is the charter of your salvation.
Where the Holy Spirit is not, there conflict is not; sin rules undisputed lord over the life. That there
is conflict in you, that you do not rest in complacency in your sin, is a proof that the Spirit of God is
within you, leading you to holiness. And all who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of
God; and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus Christ.... Sin has a dreadful
grasp upon us; we have no power to withstand it. But there enters our hearts a power not ourselves
making for righteousness. This power is the Spirit of the most high God.... The victory is assured.
The Holy Spirit within us cannot fail us. The way may be rough;...dangers, pit-falls are on every
side. But the Holy Spirit is leading us. Surely, in that assurance, despite dangers and weakness, the
panting chest and swimming head, we can find strength to go ever forward." [B. B. Warfield, The
Person & Work of the Holy Spirit, p. 44 commenting on Romans 8]
"...We are all in bondage. We are slaves to our sins or to our fears, to our habits or to our anxieties;
sometimes to our pleasures. Christ came to remove these shackles and set us free." [William Lyon
Phelps, Human Nature and the Gospel, p. 45]
“To pray against temptation, and yet rush into occasions, is to thrust your fingers into the fire, and
then pray they might not be burnt.” [Thomas Secker in Pulpit Helps, (December 2003), p. 25]
"Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler." [Pulpit Helps, (October 2000), p. 16]
VICTORY!
If you've never struggled with same-sex compulsion, the following may be difficult for you to
understand. If you are struggling, we trust it will give you hope and the encouragement you need to
work your program.
"I had a great victory Sunday night at work. An attractive young man just came up out of nowhere
and propositioned me for sex. He was relentless, virtually begging for a sexual "fix", giving me all
the reasons it would be good, mentioning places we could go, asking me when I had a break. He
even lifted his shirt for me to see his excitement. And...
"I just said no. That's right! I did something I thought I would never be able to do. I made a
decision, smiled, complimented his nice personality, and said, "No." He asked why. I said I had
changed and he could to. He scoffed and was dumbfounded at the same time. I told him I would
love to have a friendship with him, but no sex. He literally did not know what to do with that.
"Needless to say it was difficult to do this at the time, but it gave me so much excitement and such a
good feeling about myself! Once, during the battle, I was able to go into the stockroom and say to
myself, "No, I do not want to hurt my wife, my children, and myself!"
"The man hung around for quite a long time, as customers came and went. He questioned me and
tried to tantalize me, but I was still enabled to say no.
"Yippee! That is a victory. This is a first big step of many more to come, and I am thankful to God
for it. I was even able to tell the man it was nice to meet him when he left, and I'm praying he will
come back to ask for help. Anyway, the seed is planted and I made a good decision to boot!"
--Jerry N.
POINTS TO PONDER
“On the one hand, believers are truly sinners. For as long as we live, our lives will show an innate
tendency toward evil. Neither God nor our neighbor will get from us what they deserve. Even the
most mature saints, in the golden years of their walk with God, can succumb in a flash to their
petty, selfish, destructive tendencies.… On the other hand, there is something truly right about the
children of God. The hearts of believers are ‘good’ in a way that unbelievers aren’t. That goodness
consists in their willingness to accept the difficult truths about God. The gospel confronts all of us
with fundamental questions about life. Among the most important are:
 Who am I? (I am an evil person who deserves God’s wrath.)
 Who is God? (He is the Creator God who really exists, the One who is good and merciful
and trustworthy above all others.)
 What do I want? (I want to be freed from the curse that is on this world: the death, the
separation from God, the evil around me, the evil within me, and the suffering all this
brings).”
[Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 26-27]
OUR THINKING vs. GOD'S PROMISES!
We often indulge in what AA calls "stinking thinking". For each negative thought God has a
definite answer. Think about it!
We say: "It's impossible!"
God says: "All things are possible" (Luke 18:27)
We say: "I'm too tired."
God says: "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30)
We say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: "I love you" (John 3:16; 13:34).
We say: "I can't figure things out."
God says: "I will direct your steps" (Proverbs 3:5-6)
We say: "I can't do it."
God says: "You can do all things through Christ" (Philippians 4:13).
We say: "I am not able."
God says: "I am able" (II Corinthians 9:8).
We say: "It's not worth it."
God says: "It will be worth it" (Romans 8:28).
We say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: "I forgive you" (I John 1:9; Romans 8:1).
We say: "I can't manage."
God says: "I will supply all your needs" (Philippians 4:19).
We say: "I'm afraid."
God says, "I have not given you a spirit of fear" (II Timothy 1:7).
We say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
God says: "Cast all your cares on Me" (I Peter 5:7).
We say: I don't have enough faith."
God says: "I am your wisdom" (I Corinthians 1:30).
We say: "I feel all alone."
God says: "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).
--Gloria Zwinggi
[Reprinted with permission from Awakening, (September 1999), p. 3-4]
VICTORY WON!
Often people think the 14 Steps are some new formula devised to help homosexual people find
freedom. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The 14 Steps are drawn from Scripture and
crystallize biblical truth which men and women struggling with homosexuality need to make a part
of themselves in order to find the freedom they desire. Consider how these words of the great
nineteenth century preacher, Charles Haddon Spurgeon, set forth the truth of Step 4.
"...Jesus....has conquered every foe that obstructed thy way. Cheer up...thou faint-hearted warrior.
Not only has Christ traveled the road, but He has slain thine enemies. Dost thou dread sin? He has
nailed it to His cross. Dost thou fear death? He has been the death of Death. Art thou afraid of
hell? He has barred it against the advent of any of His children; they shall never see the gulf of
perdition. Whatever foes may be before the Christian, they are all overcome. There are lions, but
their teeth are broken; there are serpents, but their fangs are extracted; there are rivers, but they are
bridged or fordable; there are flames, but we wear the matchless garment which renders us
invulnerable to fire. The sword that has been forged against us is already blunted; the instruments
of war which the enemy is preparing have already lost their point. God has taken away in the
person of Christ all the power that anything can have to hurt us.
"Well then, the army may safely march on, and you may go joyously along your journey, for all
your enemies are conquered beforehand. What shall you do but march on to take the prey? They
are beaten, they are vanquished; all you have to do is to divide the spoil. You shall, it is true, often
engage in combat; but your fight shall be with a vanquished foe. His head is broken; he may
attempt to injure you, but his strength shall not be sufficient for his malicious design. Your victory
shall be easy, and your treasure shall be beyond all count." [Morning and Evening: Daily Readings,
p. 474]
POINTS TO PONDER
“...The gospel is not an invitation to sin with impunity, but rather a message of salvation from sin.
Although believers still struggle mightily with sin, we do in fact struggle. No true believer could
embrace sin as a friend.” [Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 172]
"The cure of the soul is not science, it's sanctification." [Mario Bergner, Redeemed Lives News,
(Autumn 2001), p. 7]
"The best armor is to keep out of range." [Italian proverb in The Executive's Book of Quotations, p.
266]
"Goodness consists not in the outward things we do but in the inward things we are." [Edwin
Hubbel Chapin in Les and Leslie Parrott, A Good Friend, p. 41]
“A grace that forgives us of sin but does not free us from sin is a grace not worth having.” [Tim
Wilkins, The Cross Examiner, (2002. 6.3), p. 4]
“We are not called to be weaklings but warriors.” [Amy Carmichael, Candles in the Dark, p. 32]
POINTS TO PONDER
"...During twenty centuries he has been the inspiration of almost every reform that has been for the
benefit of mankind. He has changed and reclaimed almost every kind of human weakness and
sinfulness. He is the very symbol of the best we know. Someone has said that 'he has become
entangled in our instincts.' Western civilization, with its amazing freedom, owes the best things in
its life directly to him.... Today, as then, it is not he who is on trial, but ourselves.... What shall I do
then about Jesus Christ?" [Samuel M. Shoemaker, "What Shall I Do with Him?", Protestant Hour
Classics, p. 79]
“Healing and holiness are like two wings of an airplane: we need both to fly.” [Mario Bergner,
“Pressing Questions about Homosexuality,” Redeemed Lives News, (Summer 2004), p. 4]
“The true Puritans believed works played no role in salvation, and their reputation for morality is
only evidence that faith in Christ alone does bear fruit in good works.” [Gene Edward Veith, World,
(November 20, 2004), p. 33]
“One reason many have never realized their bondage to sin may seem very paradoxical, but it is,
nevertheless, very true. It is because they have never tried to get free. There is a yard where a dog is
heavily chained. The dog, however, is fast asleep, and so he does not realize his bondage. Later on
we may even notice the dog eating his food, still chained, but as the food is close to the kennel his
chain is not irksome and he is thus still unconscious of his bondage. But soon comes the owner of
the dog, who, forgetting the chain, calls the dog. The animal springs up, eager to reach his master.
What happens then? All his efforts are vain and now for the first time he feels the irksomeness and
restraint of his fetters. It is exactly similar with sin. Try to get free, and you feel your bondage.” [Dr.
W. H. Griffith-Thomas]
“When the winds are strong and violent, the pilot lowers the sails and casts anchor. So, when we
find ourselves assailed by any bad passion, we should always lower the sails; that is, we should
avoid all the occasions which may increase the passion, and should cast anchor by uniting ourselves
to God, and by begging of him to give us strength not to offend him.” [Alphonsus, Liguori, sermon
quoted in The Quotable Saint, p. 192]
“Ambrose says...that the form of the cross is that of a sword with the point downward; above is the
hilt toward heaven, as if in the hand of God; below is the point toward earth, as if thrust through the
head of the old serpent the devil.” [J. C. Ryle, “John” II, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, p.
554]
“If you are writing a poem and the rhymes won’t come or the lines won’t fit you may cry, ‘Oh
William Shakespeare, help me!’ and nothing whatever happens. If you’re feeling jittery you may
think of some hero of the past, like Nelson, and say, ‘O Horatio Nelson, help me!’ But again there
isn’t the slightest response. But if you’re trying to lead a Christian life and realize you’re coming to
the end of your own moral strength and you cry, ‘O Christ, help me!’ something does happen, at
once, just like that.” [J. B. Phillips, Plain Christianity, p. 69]
“Christianity is in its very essence a rescue religion.” [John R. W. Stott, The Authentic Jesus, p. 75}
“There are large numbers of people who...are seeking to commend themselves to God by their own
works. They think it is noble to try to win their way to God and to heaven. But it is not noble; it is
dreadfully ignoble. For, in effect, it is to deny both the nature of God and the mission of Christ. It is
to refuse to let God be gracious. It is to tell Christ that he need not have bothered to die. For both the
grace of God and the death of Christ become redundant, if we are masters of our own destiny and
can save ourselves.” [John R. W. Stott, “The Message of Galatians,” The Bible Speaks Today, p. 66]
“Dick Russell had a Bible study group. An unsaved man, at the urging of his wife, joined the
group and discovered he really liked the acceptance he found there and especially the prayer time.
He realized even Christian men had serious issues to deal with in their lives, and week after week
there were praises to God for answered prayer. No stranger to family problems, the man told Dick
as he called one night, ‘You know, my son was shot in the eye with a pellet gun. And the damage on
the retina seems to be threatening his eyesight. I’d like for you to pray, Dick, that God would restore
his sight.’ And so he agreed with him and they began to pray.
“The next day, the doctor went in and discovered two cataracts, one on each eye, along with the
damage in the retina. The fella was on his face before God as the doctor was doing his work. Then,
lo and behold, when the gentleman came home from that surgery, their house had been burglarized.
And things were in a turmoil. He called Dick. Again they prayed. The operation was a miraculous
success. His son was fitted with contacts, and he had his eyesight back.
“Before long the phone rang again. Dick was asked to pray about another need. The fella’s
daughter, hooked on heroin, was becoming destructive and breaking the windows and destroying
the furniture in the home. He said to Dick, ‘You have no idea what it’s like to literally wrestle with
your child and to pull her arms behind her back while the police snap handcuffs on and take her out
of the house.’ That, by the way, led to harassment from the drug crowd that she was running with—
motorcycle gangs and obscene phone calls and again attempted damage to the home. Just one
breaking experience after another.
“And the fella stayed in this Bible study. Dick prayed with him about this impossible situation,
growing in urgency, but unknown to the people he worked with. Just sort of a quiet burden he held
onto. Finally, this led to the ultimate.
“There was one person in the family with whom he really felt close, his wife’s mother. And
would you believe it, she had a heart attack. Just sort of an ultimate climax—a final blow.
“That evening, he came home from work, went upstairs to his room without a word, and closed
the door. His wife, downstairs fixing supper, heard a noise, heard words. She went up and listened.
She heard this man, broken, weeping, just dumping out to the Lord every ugly sin of his life and
saying, ‘I’m spiritually bankrupt. I ask you now, Father, through Jesus Christ, to come into my life.’
And the wife, on the other side of the door, also wept, rejoicing at what God had done in this strange
set of circumstances that broke that man to the place of submission and salvation. An answer to her
own prayers for his salvation.” [Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart And 1,501 Other
Stories, p. 499-500]
“Let a man go to a psychiatrist and what does he become? An adjusted sinner. Let a man go to a
physician and what does he become? A healthy sinner. Let a man achieve wealth and what does he
become? A wealthy sinner. Let a man join a church, sign a card, and turn over a new leaf and what
does he become? A religious sinner. But let him go in sincere repentance and faith to the foot of
Calvary’s cross, and what does he become? A new creature in Jesus Christ, forgiven, reconciled,
with meaning and purpose in his life and on the way to marvelous fulfillment in God’s will.”
[Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p 174]
Step 5
We came to perceive
that we had accepted a lie
about ourselves
an illusion
that had trapped us
in a false identity.
STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART
For twenty-five years I wrestled with homosexuality. I was not a gay-activist nor did I "practice"
homosexuality. Nevertheless, I wrestled.
I was no stranger to you. Sunday after Sunday I worshipped with you and we talked together
afterward. I sat next to you in chapel at Bible School, but you knew nothing of my deep, dark secret.
Lots of people have some vague idea of who the homosexual is. To them he is someone born with a
weakness in this area who, probably in early teen years, made a "choice" to follow this way of life.
What most people do not realize is that homosexuality is but the symptom of a virus that affects the
minds of perfectly normal young boys.
Let me explain. When I speak of a "virus" I do not refer to an organism that we can examine under a
microscope. I refer to an idea—a lie—that grips the minds of boys in their childhood. They are
unconscious of its presence, just as anyone gripped by the flu is unaware of the precise moment it
was contracted. Yet the results of this lie are just as apparent as are runny eyes and a stopped-up
nose. That lie, coming under the category of self-doubt and low self-esteem, is this: "I am not really
a man, nor will I likely ever be one."
This conclusion is first reached when the lad is very young and barely aware of adult "sex," let
alone "sexual preference" (which is a misnomer). Psychologists have long told us that perfectly
normal boys coming from families where the father is absent or cold and distant are susceptible to
this virus. Why is this so?
Allow me to reconstruct my own childhood. To my parents was born a perfectly healthy baby boy.
My mother welcomed the new responsibility with tremendous excitement, giving me more than my
share of positive "strokes." A loving bond quickly formed. Dad, however, was frequently away for
weeks at a time, making bonding tenuous and uncertain. As my world expanded, so did the loving
female figures in my life: baby-sitters, schoolteachers, and Sunday school teachers with all their
warmth and acceptance. But where were the men?
A child's thinking is egocentric. Not only do young children think only of themselves and their own
needs; they also blame themselves when things go wrong in their world—even things over which
they have no control, as is the case when parents divorce.
Sure enough, before long I started blaming myself for my father's long absences and the resulting
ache they left in my heart. It was somehow my fault, I knew!
"Maybe it's something I do that upsets Daddy and makes him leave home," I reasoned. I'd solve that
gladly by being a perfect angel! And I worked hard. Off and on Father would reappear only to
disappear again. Each appearance assured me that "being good" had paid off and gained my father's
approval. Each time he left I wondered, "Where did I fail to please Dad this time?" Adults can
quickly see through the fallacies and immaturity of this reasoning—but in my young mind, this was
gospel truth!
Fathers serve as a prototype in a child's mind of what to expect from all men. And since Father saw
me as a failure (I thought), what reason was there to question that all men would see through me and
recognize me as the failure that Dad saw? After all, it was women who gave me my strokes; thus far
men had little time for me.
Finally I became exhausted with my efforts to become better and better behaved. In my heart I knew
I'd done my best to please Dad, and still Dad hadn't come home to stay. And until he came home, I
knew his absence was somehow my fault. Only one explanation seemed to be left: "If it is not
something I do that offends Dad, then it must be something I am that disappoints him." So the race
began to discover what it was that made me different, inferior to other boys.
At first I noticed the color of my hair—but Dad never seemed to mind that my hair was blonde.
What about my build? Dad never mentioned anything negative about my being tall and lanky.
There weren't any differences between me and other boys that really mattered to my dad that I could
see...unless, maybe, that was it! At long last, I finally had my answer.
"Maybe it's not something I can see. I bet it's something I can't see! I bet the other boy's clothes
conceal what it is that makes them so superior to me! I wish to God I had whatever it is that they
have. Then Dad would love me."
Unbeknownst to me, I had just been bitten by a virus—the faulty conclusion that I was sexually
inferior. It is that conclusion that leads untold numbers of boys into a futile, life-long search for the
ultimate masculine genitalia. The world calls these men "gay."
You see, I, like many homosexuals, felt a great deal of neglect from my same-sex parent, tragically
accepted full responsibility for the ache I experienced, and went about to determine the cause of that
rejection armed only with the reasoning of a 4-, 5-, or 6-year-old.
One of my first hurdles in recovery was to realize that because of my sincere but faulty boyhood
reasoning, I had been deceived. I did not have to any longer accept responsibility for my father's
perceived rejection. Dad may not have known how to welcome and include me into the society we
call manhood, but it certainly was not due to any lack sexually on my part. A great day of revelation
came when I cracked open the door of my mind just far enough to allow one thought to enter:
"Right this very moment I AM a man, and not at some future point in time when something
profound happens to my genitalia or some man is able to make me feel a certain way."
I remember a second hurdle. I had things that led me to think my father rejected me apart from just
his absences from home. "Surely," the thought persisted, "there must be something unacceptable
about me or he would not have rejected me." It was then that I found special comfort in John
1:12,13: "But as many as received Him (Jesus Christ), to them gave He power (in the sense of right
or authority) to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on His name: which were born,
not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God."
This meant that I was, first of all, God's son and that He took full responsibility for me. Had He ever
failed to accept me? No. Never!
But what about the man to whom He had entrusted my care—my father? Where was God's love
back there when I had so much needed it? Again, in Scripture, I found that God's love had been
"shed abroad" (Romans 5:5) in my father's heart with the intent that it should be lavished on me. It
was there and it was not God's fault if Dad, for whatever misguided reason, had shut the floodgates
on this mighty river and allowed only trickles to reach my love-parched heart. No doubt his
preoccupation with his own problems precluded his ability to see and deal with mine.
At the outset, I shared that for 25 years I wrestled with homosexuality. I would have expressed the
same concept had I stated that "for 25 years I waited for my father to affirm my masculinity." Most
boys have this need for affirmation met early in childhood by their fathers or by a father surrogate.
However, for those of us who can only wish we'd experienced such an affirming relationship, there
is healing. I no longer wait for Dad's approval. In Christ I find assurance and in Christ I know I am a
man—and always was one.
I read recently that "there is no such thing as a 'homosexual,' only men and women, created by God
heterosexually, who because of the broken world we live in, are confused over their sexual
identity." I've found this to be true in my own life and now realize that homosexual acts are not the
expression of anyone's true nature. Rather, homosexuality is the expression of confusion about one's
sexual identity.
If you wrestle with homosexuality, as I did, what is needed is not a change of your nature, but rather
a transformed mind that ends your confusion. And with the eradication of the "virus" what else can
follow but straight thinking and perfect wholeness?
--J. M.
YOU HAVE GOOD REASON TO HOPE!
A recent booklet published by the Catholic Medical Association asks the question, “How effective
is therapy for SSA (same-sex attraction?)” The answer? “The effectiveness rate is similar to those
for other addictive or chronic disorders such as depression, substance abuse, or smoking. Studies in
motivated patients have shown that 30% of those with SSA experience a freedom from SSA
fantasies and behaviors, and another 30% experience an improvement in reducing unwanted samesex attractions. A recent study of 200 men and women who reported a sustained change from
homosexual to heterosexual orientation for at least five years concluded that 61% of males and 44%
of females satisfied the criteria for good heterosexual functioning.” [Homosexuality & Hope,
(Washington, D.C.: The Catholic Medical Association, 2003), p. 3]
POINTS TO PONDER
“At clinical conferences one often hears...that homosexual orientation is fixed and unmodifiable.
Neither assertion is true... The assertion that homosexuality is genetic is so reductionistic that it
must be dismissed out of hand as a general principle of psychology.” [R. C. Friedman and J. I.
Downey, Sexual Orientation and Psychoanalysis, p. 39]
"Our real enemies, with all their cruelty and all their oppression, come up upon us...out of our own
heart." [Alexander Whyte, Lord, Teach Us To Pray, p. 106]
THINK ABOUT THIS!
Steve Brown writes, “As a pastor, I have performed hundreds of marriage ceremonies. Often
newly married people say something like, ‘I don’t feel married.’ And I often reply, ‘Stay with it
for a while. It takes a bit of getting used to. Eventually the truth will sink in.’
“Now let’s suppose a newly married couple doesn’t take my advice and their feelings are more
real to them than the fact that they are now married. Let’s suppose, further, that every time they
suspect they’re married, they say to themselves, I can’t be married because I don’t feel married.
Believe it or not, they are programming their minds in a certain way. I suppose that if they
pushed it far enough and often enough, they would never think they were really married. If
someone asked them if they were married, they would always reply, ‘No, we’re not married.’
After a while, their feelings would become reality.” [Steve Brown, If Jesus Has Come, p. 136137]
This goes a long way to explain how some of us got trapped in the illusion that we are
homosexuals or lesbians. God did not make us that way. Camille Paglia identifies herself as “a
bisexual lesbian” [Vamps & Tramps,), p. 245] and clearly states, “I have never identified with
Christianity” [Ibid., p. 244, emphasis hers]. Nonetheless she clearly sees that "Homosexuality is
not 'normal.'... Nature exists, whether academics like it or not. And in nature, procreation is the
single, relentless rule. That is the norm. Our sexual bodies were designed for reproduction. Penis fits
vagina: no fancy linguistic game-playing can change that biologic fact.... Given the intense
hormonal surge of puberty, the total absence of adult heterosexual desire is neither normal nor
natural, and it requires explanation" [Ibid., p. 70-71]. Later she writes, “Heterosexual love, as Hindu
symbolism dramatizes, is in sync with cosmic forces. Not every-one has the stomach for daily war
with nature." [Ibid., p. 78-79]
Since God didn’t make us homosexual, how are we to understand our feelings? We have to face the
fact that we are fallen men and women who live in a fallen world whose feelings have been
distorted by sin—usually the sin of others against us made worse by our own sinful nature and the
deeds by which it expressed itself.
In a World magazine editorial aimed primarily at heterosexuals who fail to keep their marriage
vows, Andree Seu writes, “Gay feelings, straight feelings. Makes no difference, feelings are
feelings. I have never met a feeling that wouldn’t be a god if you let it. But here is no enduring stuff
on which to build a life. Speaking of Eros, C. S. Lewis once said, ‘She herself is a mocking,
mischievous spirit, far more elf than deity, and makes game of us’ (The Four Loves). He goes on to
counsel that ‘even for their own sakes, the loves must submit to be second things if they are to
remain the things they want to be. In this yoke lies their true freedom.’ This advice is worth heeding
because ‘left to themselves, [feelings] either vanish or become demons.’” [“Nothing more than
feelings?” World, (August 28, 2004), p. 39]
What, then, are we to do if we have these feelings? First, recognize that they are just feelings. They
are not God! They do not constitute reality and they do not determine destiny. They are not to be
followed without question. Second, feelings that contradict God’s Word and lead to sinful deeds are
to be mortified (put to death) by the Spirit (Romans 8:13)!
“Easy to say, but hard to do,” you might reply. You are right. Still, do it we must or be forever
trapped in the mists of illusion and robbed of the glorious reality God has for us. Let us then find the
wounds that have diverted our normal sexuality and do all in our power, in dependence on God’s
grace and in submission to His timing, to heal them. Let us not be so foolish as to try to heal
relational problems all by ourselves, but let us be part of a fellowship that will encourage us and
show us the way. And let us determine that we will, by God’s grace and in God’s time, rediscover
our true identity and enter more and more into the glorious liberty of the sons and daughters of God!
--John J.
"GAY GENE" NONEXISTENT
"Homosexual activists have made much of a 1995 study that allegedly pointed to a 'gay gene' that
was responsible for a person's homosexual orientation. A new study, however, points to a different
conclusion.
"In 1995 Dr. Dean Hamer of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) released the results of a twoyear study which he claimed revealed a genetic component to homosexuality. Although the study
was criticized within the scientific community for a host of flaws, the media broadcast the study as
proof of a 'gay gene.'
"Hamer, himself a homosexual rights activist, bragged about the ease with which someone can
manipulate the press. He told a meeting of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, 'If you tell the
press what to write about a scientific study, they'll write it.'
"But a study by Dr. Alan Sanders—also of the NIH—replicated Hamer's study in order to verify his
conclusions. Not surprisingly, Sanders could find no evidence to validate either Hamer's findings or
his theory." [Presbyterian Pro-Life News, (Winter 1999) quoted in AFA Journal, (April 1999), p. 9]
HERE IS TRUTH!
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, the Executive Director of the National Association for the Research and
Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH) summarized his beliefs and those of NARTH as follows:
“(1) Homosexuality is a developmental disorder; (2) it is preventable in childhood; (3) it is treatable
in adulthood; and, (4) there is more dysfunction or pathology associated with the homosexual
condition than heterosexuality. There is no such thing as a homosexual person. We are all
heterosexual. Homosexuality is a description of a condition, not an intrinsic nature of the person.’
“Later Nicolosi said there are two kinds of people: heterosexuals who know they are heterosexual
and heterosexuals who don’t know they are heterosexual.”
[Touched By His Grace: A Publication of OneByOne, (Summer 2000), p. 5]
DON’T BELIEVE THE LIE!
For the longest time I believed that I was born a woman inside a man’s body. This is part of the big
lie I told myself until June of 2000 when, while being part of Overeaters Anonymous, I asked Jesus
Christ to remove this condition because I thought it might be a character defect because it prevented
me from doing meaningful service for others.
It is not an accident that I am a group leader in a self-help mental health group. The truth I came to
know from my 12-step work in OA and my readings in recovery books by Dr. Abraham Low was
that I was a man with very low self-esteem. I did not believe that women would accept me as a man
and felt that just being a man made me less than human.
My father was an alcoholic who played the tough-guy role. He had shame about himself and felt
that the world hated him because he was Jewish. The relationship I had with him was a brutal one. I
did not want to be like him or around him. Unconsciously, I could not see myself as male.
My mother had little confidence in herself and did not know how to encourage me when I was
growing up. She also failed to protect me from my father’s physical and emotional abuse. This
helped create a condition in which I had a compulsion to wear women’s clothes. I felt comfortable
in them because it gave me a sense of protection that children must get from their mothers.
Psychologically, this fed the lie that I was a woman in a man’s body.
I was born Jewish but was not allowed to go to Hebrew School because my father was an atheist. I
felt like an outsider and this feeling intensified when I failed the fourth grade. My mother sent me to
summer school, but I still had to repeat fourth grade. My self-esteem was further crushed and it took
years for me to come to terms with failure.
Further, the women’s movement has tended to paint all men with a broad brush, and this added to
my shame at being male.
I tried psychotherapy and looked to several psychiatrists as role models but felt sold-out when their
therapy did me more harm than good. I attempted suicide after seeing the first psychiatrist for four
years and ended up in the state hospital.
Fortunately, I came to know the love of Christ and that has made all the difference in my life. Then,
learning to deal with temper and work through my mental health problems by spotting temper and
endorsing myself for working through my difficulties, seeing the proof that my identity could be
restored to the gender I was born with through HA, and a spiritual program of daily prayer has made
a new man, a real man, of me.
Unfortunately today many men and a growing number of women are getting sex-change operations.
The lie they believe is that they were born in the wrong bodies, but the truth is that many men and
women are simply unusually gifted with some abilities that are more common in the opposite
gender. Many women make fine engineers, but are as female as other women; many men make fine
schoolteachers, but are as male as other men.
Perhaps it’s the loss of common sense among some in the mental health profession, the modern
culture we live in where everything is supposed to come easy, and our own laziness in refusing to
work hard on difficult issues that leads us to accept the lie. It must, however, be rejected!
Were it not for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross, I do not know where I would be today.
Because of Him, for the first time in years I can look in the mirror and be grateful that God made
me a man. Jesus Christ is developing me in His image as a Christian man and restoring my true
identity.
As I’m enjoying my own maleness, attending the men’s group at my church, and enjoying the
company of women, I know that God knew what He was doing when He made me a man.
Don’t believe the lie!
--Albert S.,
BORN THAT WAY?
“Cathy Young in an article titled “Sex & Sensibility” in the March 1999 issue of Reason says:
“There is...much that science has yet to learn about hormones and brain organization, two...hot
areas of research on sex differences. For instance, findings of ‘masculinized’ behavior such as
increased play with such ‘boyish’ toys in girls exposed to high prenatal levels of male hormones
(androgens) are ambiguous: Androgenized girls don’t show elevated levels of physical
aggression or rough-and-tumble play. In one study, contrary to the researchers’ expectations,
girls with twin brothers, who have some exposure to androgens in the womb, exhibited no
unusually tomboyish behavior, while girls with an older brother did” (p.29)
“...Most scientists who study the biology of sex differences agree that nature and nurture interact
in complex ways: our activities and environment can alter brain organization and hormonal
makeup” (p.33).
That’s something to think about the next time someone tells you they were “born that way.”
--David G.
POINTS TO PONDER
“How often I hear of mean and women with same-sex inclinations forsaking the witness of their
conscience for gay sex; in violating that holy boundary, something dies in them. For a temporary
rush of connection and sensual solidarity, these bearers of God’s image become less human, less
true to their essential selves. Delusion sets in, a darkening of conscience. The longer (s)he
remains in such deception, the more extreme will that distortion become.” [Andrew Comiskey
quoted in Regeneration News, (September-October 2004), p. 2]
“...After eleven years of homosexual activity I told God ‘It’s over! Homosexuality is an illusion,
a dead end! Homosexuality promises a lot, but delivers little!’” [Tim Wilkins, The Cross
Examiner, 7.2 (2003), p. 2]
TO BE, OR NOT TO BE?
I facilitate a chapter of Homosexuals Anonymous in Texas on the Mexican border. Fifty percent
of my related communications are in Spanish. As a result, I’ve stumbled on something that has
been a great help in destroying the homosexual lie.
How many are trapped by the statement we so flippantly espouse in English—“I am a
homosexual” in all the tenses of the verb: “I am, I was, etc.”
Most other languages have two or more verbs for “I am.” English does not. In Spanish when one
says, “I am (ser) a homosexual,” he literally is declaring as fact that God made him this way and
destined him to this unalterable role in life. Another verb for “I am” (estar) expresses “a
temporary state of being” or I am “acting” this way right now. I haven’t always, and I may not in
the future, but today I am acting as a homosexual does. I am “doing” homosexual things.
When you say “I am” in English, you can mean either “I was born/made this way” or mean it
only in a temporary sense. It’s totally ambiguous, so people by nature assume the worst—that
God made them that way, a third, secret species.
It helps to explain this difference, this concept, to men and women. They tell their story. When
they have finished, most express hopelessness, fold their hands, and say, “I am a homosexual.
What more can I say?”
I have found it helpful to respond, “Oh, you mean you have been acting in a homosexual manner.
You really are made in God’s image and likeness and have found yourself caught up in this
lifestyle/sin.” I then explain the two different words for “I am” in Spanish (and other languages).
When the significance of these words is grasped, the seeds of hope are planted and the light has
gone on for a number of people with this simple illustration.
Please remember, homosexuality is something one DOES, not something one IS. Do not let
yourself be identified or your existence be defined by your sin! God made only two species: male
and female! Let that truth shape your life. Renounce the lie in the way you think and speak and
watch change slowly begin to come into your life.
It is not easy to change your manner of speech to more accurately express this truth, but it does
yield good, lasting fruit and helps strugglers (me included) to defeat the lies of the enemy and to
walk in the victory Jesus’ blood provides for us.
Brian H., McAllen, TX
POINTS TO PONDER
“Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit.” [Hosea Ballou in
Timeless Quotations on Peace of Mind, p. 17]
"The Hasidic rabbi Shelomo asked: 'What is the worst thing the evil urge can achieve?' He
answered, 'To make man forget that he is the son of a King.'" [William B. Silverman, Rabbinic
Stories for Christian Ministers and Teachers in My Third Reader's Notebook, p. 56]
DON'T BE TAKEN IN
One of the things that makes recovery difficult is the constant barrage of propaganda from the
media that homosexuality is biologically based. If one believes that, hope of change is destroyed.
Yet the studies on which such misinformation is based have been disproved by secular scientists!
This gets little or no media coverage! I wonder why?
Take, for example, the story that Simon LeVay, a gay neurobiologist from the Salk Institute in San
Diego, had found evidence to suggest that homosexuality is biologically based.
There is nothing in Scripture to rule out the possibility that some homosexual problems may be
caused, or contributed to, by biological factors. Because sin has entered the world, we are all in
bodies that are corruptible and mortal (I Corinthians 15:53,54) and birth defects and other
abnormalities do occur.
There is, however, no compelling scientific evidence that this is the cause of a homosexual struggle,
as LeVay himself acknowledged. "Although efforts have been made to establish the biological basis
of sexual orientation, for example, by the application of cytogenetic, endocrinological, or
neuroanatomical methods, these efforts have largely failed to establish any consistent differences
between homosexual and heterosexual individuals." [Simon LeVay, "A Difference in Hypothalamic
Structure Between Heterosexual and Homosexual Men," Science, (August 30, 1991), p. 1034] Did
LeVay find something new that proves homosexual orientation to be biologically based? It was
suggested that he did, but he did not!
LeVay studied the brains of 19 homosexual men who died of AIDS and compared them with the
brains of 6 deceased women and 16 men (6 of whom died of AIDS, 10 from other causes) who were
"presumed" heterosexual (Ibid., p. 1035) "Two of these subjects (both AIDS patients) had denied
homosexual activity. The records of the remaining 14 patients contained no information about their
sexual orientation; they are assumed to have been mostly or all heterosexual..." (Ibid., p. 1036,
emphasis ours)
LeVay reported that an area in the rear of the hypothalamus was about the size of a grain of sand in
the men he presumed to be heterosexual, but averaged about half that size in the women and
homosexual men he studied. Was this the cause of homosexuality?
Even at the time secular scientists expressed doubt. "Many technical aspects of the study are subject
to question, as the author concedes. He cannot be certain, for instance, that all the heterosexual men
in the control group were heterosexual." [Time, (September 9, 1991), p. 60-61]
"Some of the subjects died of AIDS, which in its late stages can affect the brain. LeVay ruled out
the disease as a confounding factor: he found that homosexual men had smaller hypothalamic
bundles than straight men who had died of AIDS, suggesting that it is not AIDS that shrinks the
clump of neurons. Other neuroscientists weren't as ready to dismiss an AIDS connection, however.
Also, measuring brain structures is notoriously difficult and controversial. The areas LeVay
scrutinized are even smaller than snowflakes, and neuroscientists cannot agree on whether the most
meaningful gauge is the volume of the region (the yardstick LeVay used) or its number of neurons."
[Newsweek, (September 9, 1991), p. 52]
"Does a small bundle of neurons in the hypothalamus cause homosexuality, or might homosexual
orientation cause that portion of the brain to shrink? Scores of studies have found that neurons
change in response to experience, such as learning a maze." [Idem.]
"'There are some people in whom sexual orientation does not maintain itself,' says June Reinisch,
director of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana
University.... She cites the example of a woman who fell in love with and was married to a man for
10 years, then at the age of 30 fell in love with a woman and spent 11 years in that relationship, and
at 41 fell in love with a man. Clearly, even if sexual orientation does have a biological basis in the
brain, it is not necessarily fixed." [Time, op. cit., p. 61]
Many scientists noted that this was a very small study—too small to come to any final conclusion.
Further, as LeVay admitted, "The existence of 'exceptions' in the present sample (that is, presumed
heterosexual men with small INAH-3 nuclei, and homosexual men with large ones) hints at the
possibility that sexual orientation, although an important variable, may not be the sole determinant
of INAH-3 size." [LeVay, op. cit., p. 1036]
"'My freshman biology students know enough to sink this study,' declares Anne Fausto-Sterling,
professor of medical science at Brown University." [Time, op. cit., p. 61]
At the time this study was front-page news, Newsweek warned, "The debate over the origins of
sexual orientation is far from over." [Op. cit., p. 52] Later events showed how right they were!
In 1993 Dr. Paul Billings, former chief of the Division of Genetic Medicine at California Pacific
Medical Center in Palo Alto, and Dr. Jonathan Beckwith, American Cancer Society Research
Professor in the Department of Microbiology and Molecular Genetics at Harvard Medical School
wrote an article published at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology in which they noted that
LeVay "could not really be certain about his subject's sexual preferences, since they were dead."
[Paul Billings and Jonathan Beckwith, "Born Gay?" Technology Review, July 1993), p. 60] His
"research design and subject sample did not allow others to determine whether it was sexual
behavior, drug use, or disease history that was correlated with the observed differences among the
subjects' brains." [Idem.] His method of defining homosexuality was very likely to "create
inaccurate or inconsistent study groups." [Ibid., p. 61]
Not only was LeVay's study faulty in design, but when Dr. William Byne of the Department of
Psychiatry of the Columbia University College of Physicians and Surgeons did a much more careful
repetition of that study, he did not get the same result. To avoid any prejudice, the researchers who
examined the cells of the INAH-3 under the microscope had no idea whether the subject was male
or female, homosexual or heterosexual. Byne's study confirmed that there was a real male-female
difference in the size of INAH-3 cells, but did not find LeVay's difference between heterosexuals
and homosexuals. [Neil and Briar Whitehead, My Genes Made Me Do It! A Scientific Look as
Sexual Orientation, p. 129]
This is not simply an academic exercise. There are practical reasons for concern. Dr. Martin E. P.
Seligman, Kogod Professor and Director of Clinical Training in Psychology at the University of
Pennsylvania in Philadelphia argues that homosexuals "can choose whom they perform with
sexually, but they cannot choose whom they want to perform with." [What You Can Change &
What You Can't: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement, p. 157] He holds this view
largely because of Simon LeVay's study which he thinks was "technically well done"! [Ibid., p. 154155] Of course, he is a psychologist, not an expert in this field, which would account for his
favorable verdict not shared by many who have the background to judge such matters.
Seligman also ignores the extensive literature which makes it clear that change can and does take
place [see Jewish psychiatrist Jeffrey Satinover's, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth and Once
Gay...Always Gay??? available from HAFS]
Dr. Seligman is not the only therapist to be misled by thinking homosexuality is a biological
problem. "Behavioral psychologist Joseph Wolpe was faced with a religious client who felt guilty
about his homosexuality. Wolpe had to decide which behavior to extinguish—homosexuality or the
religious guilt. Rather than try to change the homosexuality, he chose to ameliorate the guilt...
Psychology claims to work from a 'value-free' philosophy. However, decisions such as this—to
eliminate religious guilt—are in fact being made from another value hierarchy of the therapist's
choosing.... Two interesting notes on this case: first, Wolpe said he made his decision based upon
the belief that homosexuality was biologically determined. Second, the client later discovered
heterosexual attraction on his own after undergoing assertion training, and married. Wolpe
considered him to be cured of homosexuality." [Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male
Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach, p. 15-16]
You may be saying, "Does this mean I have a choice? I always thought homosexuality was my
fate."
It does not have to be! Among those who can help you is this fellowship of men and women who
understand your problem because they have experienced similar distress. They know your pain
because they have felt it in their own hearts. Now they are in the process of finding relief from that
pain and are experiencing ever-increasing freedom from homosexuality such as they once hardly
dared hope for. They are members of Homosexuals Anonymous Fellowship. Their hearts are open
to you. Their hands are stretched out to you. You can trust them to understand and care because
you know they have stumbled along the same difficult path you now tread.
Don't remain trapped in a false identity. Don't be taken in by claims there is no hope. "With God all
things are possible" (Mark 10:27). Reach out today for the help that can set you free!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"True faith requires that we believe everything God has said about Himself, but also that we believe
everything He has said about us. Until we believe that we are as bad as God says we are, we can
never believe that He will do for us what He says He will do." [A. W. Tozer, Of God and Men, p.
56]
"...The only important battle you will ever fight will be with yourself." [Steve Brown, Born Free, p.
126]
FINGER LENGTH?!
Have you heard the latest? They are now trying to say that finger length shows that homosexuality
is biologically based! What next?
We asked Dr. E. Norbert Smith to examine these claims. Dr. Smith has a BS in Biology from
Southwestern Oklahoma State University, a MS in Biology from Baylor University, and a Ph.D. in
Zoology from Texas Tech University. He has published over 200 technical papers in international
peer-reviewed journals, has presented scores of papers at international scientific meetings, has
written portions of three books, and has lectured throughout the United States, Canada, Europe, and
in Brazil, mostly in medical schools. He is now retired.
Dr. Smith writes, "The recent report of finger length being correlated (albeit indirectly) with sexual
orientation for both gay men and women (Nature 2000: 404:455-456) has caused quite a stir in both
the gay and straight communities. Reviews are mixed. Nature is a reputable peer-reviewed
international scientific journal, but newspaper writers are not trained in science or statistics and their
reporting goes far beyond the actual published data, often misleading the general public. Let me
explain.
BEWARE OF CORRELATIONS: While earning my Ph.D., I attended statistics classes at the
University of California at Los Angeles. In the beginning class we were sternly warned: "Be wary
of correlations, for they are very slippery things and say nothing about cause and effect." A classic
example, often cited in statistics textbooks, is of a period of several weeks during which the New
York Stock market rose and fell precisely with the rainfall of the Island of Madagascar. That is, the
two events showed a very high degree of correlation; they rose and fell together. It was, of course,
coincidental, as there was absolutely no cause and effect between the stock market and Madagascar
rainfall. Nor is there any way the mathematics of statistics could have told the correlation was a
quirk of luck.
Statistics is a powerful tool when used properly, for it provides the probability an event might occur
by random chance. Yet, it can never tell with certainty that two events are indeed correlated and, of
course, it says nothing at all about cause and effect. It is here news writers and TV pundits tend to
run amuck.
Looking at the report in more detail we find that the correlation between finger length and sexual
orientation is admittedly weak, for large numbers of subjects were sampled in order to achieve
statistical significance. Remember too that the results have no significance for individuals because
the ratios overlap between gays and straights. In other words, the finger length ratios are NOT a
predictor of sexual orientation for any individual.
Remember, the two aspects (finger length and sexual orientation) may be entirely coincidental and
thus meaningless just as in the case of the New York Stock Market and the Madagascar rainfall.
Further, even if the correlation is valid or if future studies also show a high degree of correlation, all
this says nothing about cause and effect.
When we consider the question of cause and effect we at once notice that crucial data regarding
causality are wholly missing. For example, the alleged residual androgens in the mother's uterus
from previous brothers is without any support. Surely residual hormonal levels high enough to alter
the physical development of the unborn child could be measured in the blood or amniotic fluid.
Why weren't such measurements sought? And, even if hormone levels were elevated enough to alter
finger length, it would still be a giant leap of fantasy to see this as altering sexual orientation.
Further, the host of other factors that are the result of a young boy's growing up in a house filled
with older brothers are totally missing in this study. Would not these life experiences be much more
likely to alter his sexual orientation than a hypothetical brother memory of his mother's womb?
While I understand the motivation of some in the gay community to seek biological reasons for their
behaviors, nothing seems valid to date despite decades of searching.
Even if sometime in the future science discovers a cause and effect relation between sexual
orientation and some environmental or genetic factor, this will not make homosexual behavior a
good thing. Being of Scandinavian descent, I lack the ability to produce ample melanin in my skin
to protect me from the harmful effects of ultraviolet light from the sun. In other words, I sunburn
easily and do not tan well. Should I therefore abuse my skin and increase my risk of skin cancer?
Of course not! I try to protect myself. So, too, any supposed genetic or environmental cause of
homosexual temptations does not call for anything but increased vigilance and reliance on God who
can turn what the Enemy means for harm into something wonderful. Let us keep our mind on what
God has said and allow nothing to seduce us away from that narrow road that leads to life.
POINTS TO PONDER
“The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first—wanting to be
the center—wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the
human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake.
(The story in the Book of Genesis rather suggests that some corruption in our sexual nature
followed the fall and was its result, not its cause.) What Satan put into the heads of our remote
ancestors was the idea that they could ‘be like gods’—could set up on their own as if they had
created themselves—be their own masters—invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside
God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human
history—money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery—the long terrible
story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” [C. S. Lewis,
Mere Christianity, p. 43]
"In every human heart, no matter how well disciplined and fortified, sin has a formidable ally. Sin
always creates an illusion, in which the tempted man sees only the pleasure of the contemplated act,
while its consequences, which are in reality inseparably joined to it, are lost in the mist of desire."
[William Lyon Phelps, Human Nature and the Gospel, p. 85]
"To tempt is to represent an evil as a good. Sin in its true nature may be ugly, brutal, or destructive.
In the experience of temptation sin is represented as fun, pleasurable, exciting, rewarding, maturing,
or daring—anything but its true nature." [Bernard Ramm, Offense To Reason: The Theology of Sin,
p. 96]
LINCOLN, GAY???
Don’t worry. He wasn’t. But that’s what the late Dr. Clarence A. Tripp—onetime Alfred Kinsey
Col-league and gay sex researcher/therapist—was trying to get people to believe in his book, The
Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln published by Free Press, A Division of Simon and Schuster.
The book received a scathing review by the man who was originally to be Tripp’s co-author but
who withdrew when Philip Nobile, who teaches history at a private preparatory school in New
York, found that Tripp was “more advocate than historian” [Louis A. Berman, Ph. D., NARTH
Bulletin, (August 2005), p. 28]. Nobile calls the book “a hoax and a fraud” in his review of it for
The Weekly Standard and “asks why there is not more documentation of Lincoln’s fondness for me,
if indeed, that was so apparent. Why, for example, did Lincoln’s law partner and biographer,
William Herndon write nothing along the line? Replied Tripp: Herndon was too heterosexual to
notice. Today, Lincoln is revered, but in his own day he was a most controversial figure, loved by
some and hated by others. He was mercilessly ridiculed in thousands of words and in hundreds of
political cartoons. Yet nothing has turned up in newspaper articles of his day, or in cartoons, that
touches upon the question of his sexual attractions” [Berman, op. cit., p. 28-29]
Dr. Berman’s article does an excellent job of refuting the “scientific” mumbo-jumbo Tripp uses to
try and make his “evidence” plausible and clearly shows how weak Tripp’s arguments really are.
Philip Nobile and Dr. Berman are not the only ones to point out that Tripp’s book is a mistake.
Tripp is a gay psychologist. Listen to the thoughts of those who are professional historians.
Doris Kearns Goodwin, Pulitzer Prize-winning historian who thoroughly researched Lincoln for
her new book, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, answers the question
“What do you think of the theory that Lincoln might have been gay?” answers, “You’re talking
about his sleeping in the same bed with [best friend] Joshua Speed. I doubt they were having a
sexual relationship. So many people of that era slept in the same bed. And letters show that other
men of that time had emotionally intense relationships. Both Seward and Chase wrote letters to their
male friends that were filled with affection and love. It was an era when men/men and
women/women relationships were closer than those between men and women” [Diane Brown,
“Abe, Honestly,” AARP: The Magazine, (November & December 2005), p. 14]. You will find this
well documented in the book American Manhood by E. Anthony Rotundo, (New York: Basic
Books, 1993), especially pages 75-91.
David Herbert Donald, author of the Pulitzer Prize winning biography, Lincoln which Arthur
Schlesinger, Jr. called “A grand work—the Lincoln biography for this generation,” looked over
Tripp’s manuscript and warned him “Throughout you seem to be neglecting the fundamental rule
—the historian has to rely on facts” [Berman, op. cit., p. 28]. In a book on Lincoln’s friendships,
Donald bluntly asks whether Lincoln and Joshua Speed had sex together.
He notes, “First, it ought to be noted that no contemporary ever raised the question of sexual
relations between Lincoln and Speed. Herndon, who sometimes slept in the same upstairs room
over Speed’s store, never mentioned the possibility, though he discussed at length his ideas about
Lincoln’s sexual interests in women. Charles Hurst, one of Speed’s clerks, who also slept in the
room, never referred to any sexual or even physical intimacy between the two men. Though nearly
every other possible charge against Lincoln was raised during his long public career —from his
alleged illegitimacy to his possible romance with Ann Rutledge, to the breakup of his engagement
to Mary Todd, to some turbulent aspects of their marriage—no one ever suggested that he and
Speed were sexual partners.” [David Herbert Donald, We Are Lincoln Men: Abraham Lincoln and
His Friends, p. 35-36]
After explaining that it was common for men to sleep in the same bed at that time, that men were
free to express tender affection for one another then without fear of gossip (and noting that there is
less of that in Lincoln’s correspondence with Speed than in other letters of the time), that
psychoanalyst and historian Charles B. Strozier said that a sexual relationship of that sort at that
time would have left Lincoln “full of shame, confused, and hardly likely to end up in politics”
(Ibid., p. 38), and that Lincoln spoke freely and openly of sleeping with Speed in later years which
would have been unthinkable if the relationship had been sexual, he concludes, “In my judgment,
these two young men were simply close, warm friends…” [Idem.]
You might be asking, “If there is so little evidence to support the idea that Lincoln was gay, why
would anyone want to suggest he was?”
It’s all part of a clever propaganda ploy. Their hope is that people will think, “If Lincoln was gay, it
must be OK for people of the same gender to engage in sexual relationships with each other. After
all, Lincoln was one of our greatest presidents and anything he did must surely be right.”
Think for a moment! Isn’t it true that wrong is wrong no matter who does it? And who has the right
to decide what is right and what is wrong? No one but our Creator! He has said in His word that sex
between persons of the same gender if contrary to His plan—is sin (see for example Leviticus
18:11; Romans 1:26,27; I Corinthians 6:9-11).
It is true that some great people have engaged in homosexual behavior. My favorite composer is
Peter Ilich Tchaikowsky, a man who beyond doubt struggled with homosexuality. [For a Christian
evaluation of his life see Jane Stuart Smith and Betty Carlson, A Gift of Music: Great Composers
and Their Influence, Westchester, IL: Cornerstone Books, 1978), p. 153-162]. I can, and do, weep
over his tragedy but his greatness does not make homosexual behavior a good thing (something
with which he agreed!) any more than Thomas Jefferson’s keeping slaves makes slavery as
practiced in this country a good thing!
We must listen to God in all things. And we must be careful not to be bamboozled by anyone who
tries to persuade us to call what God says is wrong right or what God says is right wrong! As for the
notion that Lincoln was gay, Dr. Tripp has concocted a fairy tale (no pun intended) and if you want
a fairy tale the brothers Grimm have done much better work along that line.
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Christians who use pornography are attempting to satisfy legitimate needs for love, both human
and divine—and satisfying neither kind! But the deception that perfect fulfillment is just one
magazine or video away keeps us coming back." [Russell Willingham, Breaking Free, p. 57]
SURPRISE!
One does not expect to find someone who describes herself as "a bisexual lesbian" [Camille Paglia,
Vamps and Tramps: New Essays, p. 245], who states, "I have never identified with Christianity"
[Ibid., p. 244, emphasis hers] and vigorously proclaims, "I do not believe in God..." [Ibid., p. xx]
agreeing with the Bible about homosexuality. Yet that is exactly what one finds in Camille Paglia's
Vamps and Tramps.
The Bible says that homosexual behavior is contrary to nature (the Creator's intent). It says that
"even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: and likewise also the
men, leaving the natural use of the women, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men
working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error that was
meet [fitting]" (Romans 1:26,27).
Ms. Paglia, who says, "I was the only openly gay person at the Yale Graduate School (1968-1972),
a candor that was professionally costly" [Ibid., p. 73] acknowledges, "Homosexuality is not
'normal.'... Nature exists, whether academics like it or not. And in nature, procreation is the single,
relentless rule. That is the norm. Our sexual bodies were designed for reproduction. Penis fits
vagina: no fancy linguistic game-playing can change that biologic fact.... Given the intense
hormonal surge of puberty, the total absence of adult heterosexual desire is neither normal nor
natural, and it requires explanation." [Ibid., p. 70-71]
What explanation does she suggest? Not the one we often hear. She writes, "No one is 'born gay.'
The idea is ridiculous, but it is symptomatic of our over politicized climate that such assertions are
given instant credence by gay activists and their media partisans." [Ibid., p. 72]
What happened then? A sensitive boy was born into a family where his father is uncomfortable with
him and his brothers are harsh and impatient with him. He feels safe with and close to his mother
and sisters and identifies with them. [Ibid., p. 75] "Later he feels like an outsider in the schoolyard.
There is no male bonding.... He longs for approval from the other boys, and his nascent sexual
energies begin to flow in that direction, pursuing what he cannot have. He will always be hungry for
and awed by the masculine...
"Thus homosexuality, in my view, is an adaptation, not an inborn trait. When they claim they were
gay 'as far back as I can remember,' gay men are remembering their isolation and alienation, their
differentness..." [Ibid., p. 76]
She finds support for her views in that fact that "Exclusive homosexual relations among adults have
never been sanctioned before modern times." [Ibid., p. 72] Nor does she expect that it will be
different in the future. "The unhappy truth is that male homosexuality will never be fully accepted
by the heterosexual majority, who are obeying the dictates not of 'bigoted' society or religion but of
procreative nature." [Ibid., p. 85]
She finds further support in the rarity of homosexuality. "As a teacher of twenty-three years, most of
which were spent in art schools, I have been struck by the rarity, not the frequency, of
homosexuality. From the start of my media career, I attacked the much-touted activist claim that 10
percent of the population is gay—which was always a distortion of Kinsey's finding that 10 percent
had had some homosexual experience over their lifetime. Tracking my students, acquaintances, and
the world in general, I guessed the number hovered at 3 percent, and recent surveys (ranging from 1
or 2 to 4 percent) have borne this out. The 10 percent figure, servilely repeated by the media, was
pure propaganda, and it made me, as a scholar, despise gay activists for their unscrupulous disregard
for the truth." [Ibid., p. 73-74]
Nor is Ms. Paglia only talking about men. She writes, "Any woman...who cannot respond to penises
or who finds them hideous or laughable...has been traumatized by some early experience. She is
neither complete as a woman nor healthy as a person." [Ibid., p. 83]
Ms. Paglia acknowledges that change is at least theoretically possible and, for those who wish it
(which she does not), desirable.
"The difficulties in changing sexual orientation do not spring from its genetic innateness. Sexuality
is highly fluid, and reversals are theoretically possible. However, habit is refractory, once the
sensory pathways have been blazed and deepened by repetition—a phenomenon obvious in the
struggle with obesity, smoking, alcoholism, or drug addition." [Ibid., p. 77-78] "If counseling can
allow a gay man to respond sexually to women, it should be encouraged and applauded, not strafed
by gay artillery fire of reverse moralism. Heterosexual love, as Hindu symbolism dramatizes, is in
sync with cosmic forces. Not everyone has the stomach for daily war with nature." [Ibid., p. 78-79]
While there are obviously many things about which we must disagree with Ms. Paglia (who
describes her favored position as "a liberal pagan one" (Ibid., p. 90), we nonetheless rejoice in her
honesty and urge you to learn from her (1) the possibility of change; (2) the difficulty of change;
and (3) the desirability of change. Then, go to work and keep at it until you see change happening in
your life!
Not only does a candid lesbian thinker like Camille Paglia acknowledge that homosexuality is "not
'normal'", medical science makes the same point. Thus a family physician and nationally recognized
expert on sexuality, writes, "Anal sex is unnatural. It obviously is traumatic to the anus, which
simply is not made to accommodate the male organ. Not only does the anus have no natural
lubrication, but it is clearly the wrong size for genital contact. As evidence of this, consider the
difference in size of the speculum and the anoscope. The speculum, which the physician places
inside the woman during a gynecologic exam, is roughly the size and shape of the erect male organ.
The anoscope, used to examine the anus, is half the diameter of the speculum—more similar in size
to an adult forefinger. Any physician who would be foolish enough to attempt to examine a patient's
anus with a speculum would quickly realize how unpopular that move would be." [Richard Wetzel,
M.D., Sexual Wisdom, p. 145] He continues, "Anal sex is on the level of drinking through one's
nose. Given adequate preparation it can be done, but it is hardly nature's way." [Ibid., p. 147]
All of this is clear to most people and to professionals not blinded by the need to be "politically
correct." Dr. Gerard J. M. van den Aardweg, a Dutch psychologist who has been successfully
helping homosexuals who want to change their orientation for over twenty years, writes: "It is
obvious that the vast majority of people still think homosexuality...is abnormal. I use the word 'still',
for this is a fact in spite of a prolonged bombardment of...propaganda by the ignorant and slavishly
trendy social and political ideologists who rule the media, politics, and a great part of the academic
world. If the social elite of this time have lost their common sense, not so the great mass of people,
who perhaps can be forced to accept social measures coming from the 'equal rights' ideology...but
not to change the simple observation that something must be wrong with people who, although
physiologically men and women, do not feel attracted to the obviously natural objects of the
propagation-directed sex instinct. To the bewildered question of many on why it is possible that
'educated people' could believe that homosexuality is normal, perhaps the best answer is George
Orwell's saying that there are things 'so foolish that only intellectuals could believe them.'" [The
Battle for Normality, p. 21]
Someone may say, "You've assumed that the Bible says homosexuality is against nature. Aren't
there people who would dispute that?" There are, though most of them either have a homosexual
problem themselves, or love someone who has such a problem, and are trying to justify the behavior
on emotional grounds. Their view is definitely a minority opinion!
I always urge those who raise this point to go to any Bible school or theological seminary and look
up, not books attacking or defending homosexuality, but commentaries (books that explain what
each book of the Bible says all the way through) on Genesis 19, Leviticus 18 and 20, Romans 1, and
I Corinthians 6 and see what they find. They will find that virtually every one of them agrees that
the Bible calls homosexuality a sin (though the commentators themselves may disagree with the
Bible). They will be forced to admit that Martin Luther understood the Bible's point of view
correctly when he said, "The heinous conduct of the people of Sodom is extraordinary, inasmuch as
they departed from the natural passion and longing of the male for the female, which was implanted
into nature by God, and desired what is altogether contrary to nature. Whence comes this
perversity? Undoubtedly from Satan, who, after people have once turned away from the fear of
God, so powerfully suppresses nature that he blots out the natural desire and stirs up a desire that is
contrary to nature." [Luther's Works III, p. 255]
Nor does one have to go as far back as Luther to find this understanding of what the Bible teaches.
Not long ago the "Evangelical Theological Society (ETS), the world's largest association of
evangelical professors of theology, adopted a resolution which states unequivocally that
homosexual activity is contrary to biblical principles. More than half of ETS's 2,500 members
attended the organization's 50th annual conference.
"Members of ETS include professors of Bible and Theology from every theological denomination.
Each must affirm the inspiration and inerrancy of the Bible as a prerequisite to membership."
[Baptist Press, December 11, 1998), quoted in AFA Journal, (February 1999), p. 11]
Even candid liberals who are not committed to following the Bible are forced to acknowledge that
Scripture does not approve of homosexual behavior. Thus V. P. Furnish, speaking of homosexuality, writes, "To Paul it represented a rebellion against the Creator and his creation, a surrender to
one's lusts, and the debasement of one's own true identity and the exploitation of another's." [The
Moral Teaching of Paul, p. 81] But, since he is not committed to the authority of Scripture, he
continues, "It is no longer possible to share Paul's belief that homosexual conduct always and
necessarily involves all these things." [Idem.] It seems clear, then, that one must either fight one's
homosexual temptations or give up his or her Bible!
--John J.
FACING FACTS!
We’ve been told so many things that weren’t true. We were told we were born this way and, when
we check it out, we find there is no evidence for this assertion. We were told that no one could ever
change, but, when we check it out, we find numerous mental health professionals have written in
professional journals that they have treated men and women suffering from unwanted homosexual
feelings or behavior and have seen them change.
What about the claims that homosexuality is normal, healthy behavior engaged in by normal,
healthy people? Is that also false?
Read, “New Study confirms High Level of Psychiatric Disorders among Men and Women Engaging in
Same-Sex Behavior.” Sandfort, T., Graaf, R., Bijl, R., Schnabel, P. (2001) Same-Sex Sexual
Behavior and Psychiatric Disorders Findings from the Netherlands Mental Health Survey and
Incidence Study (NEMESIS) Archives of General Psychiatry. 58: 85-91.
“A previous Heartbeat News (#2) reported on two studies published in the Archives of General
Psychiatry which found higher rates of psychiatric disorders among men and women engaging in
same-sex behavior (Herrell 1999 & Fergusson 1999). The articles mentioned a third study, not yet
published, that confirmed their findings. The Sandfort study is now available and finds that the
lifetime prevalence of one or more Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) III disorders among
men engaging in same sex-behavior is 56.1% (versus 41.4% among men who do not engage in
such behavior. The rate for two or more DSM III disorders is 37.8% (versus 14.4%). For women
engaging in same-sex behavior, the rate for one or more DSM III disorders is 67.4% (versus
39.1%) and for two or more disorders 39.5% (versus 21.3%).
“The study took place in the Netherlands where social acceptance of same-sex behavior is high and
the incidence of HIV is low (none of the men were HIV positive).
“According to the report: ‘homosexual men had a much larger chance of having had 12-month and
life-time bipolar disorders and a higher chance of having had lifetime major depression. …The
greatest differences were found in obsessive-compulsive disorder and agoraphobia. The 12-month
prevalences of agoraphobia, simple phobia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder were higher in
homosexual men than in heterosexual men.’
“’…Homosexual women reported a substantially higher rate of substance use disorders than did
heterosexual women…’
“These three studies only confirm what previous studies had found: men and women who engage
in same-sex behavior have significantly more psychiatric problems than those who don’t.
“Those…(who deal with homosexual persons) need to remind themselves that the chances are
very high that they…are confronting people who have real psychiatric problems for which they
are probably not receiving adequate therapy. Anyone who has had to deal with a relative or
friend with a serious psychiatric or substance abuse problem knows how difficult it can be. On
some occasions the person appears normal and able to function reasonably well; however, they
may be easily enraged, make unfounded accusations, fall into self-pity or depression, or become
totally irrational. The family and friends keep hoping in vain that the person will just snap out of
it or listen to reason, but mental illnesses and substance abuse are rarely resolved without
intervention. And it is also true that the person with the problem almost always insists that he is
fine and it is the people who won’t tolerate his irrational behavior who are ‘crazy.’
“According to the report: ‘If the respondent had had sex with someone of the same gender
(exclusively or not), he or she was categorized as homosexual.’ Thus the percentage of
homosexually identified persons with psychiatric disorders could be higher than the 56.1% for men
and the 67.4% for women reported.
“When the APA removed homosexuality from the DSM, it did not make troubled people mentally
healthy, it just changed the category under which they could be treated. The APA has not as yet
removed substance abuse, mood, and anxiety disorders from its manual, nor is it likely to do so.”
[Dale O’Leary, Heartbeat News #17, February 4, 2001, used with permission. Anyone interested
in similar information can get it on the internet at [email protected] or by writing
P.O. Box 41294, Providence, RI 02940 with his or her postal address.]
POINTS TO PONDER
"People think if you're not sexually active you are less than whole. That's part of the whole
homosexual debate—because I've got a sexual yearning, it must come from God. And if it comes
from God, he wants me to use it. But people are more than sexual beings. Much of the debate about
sex has reduced people to their sexuality. That's true whether they're gay or heterosexual." [M. Craig
Barnes in Leadership, (Fall 1999), p. 69]
"God's law corresponds to created human nature, so that in fulfilling his requirements we fulfill
ourselves." [J. I. Packer, Truth & Power, p. 15]
"Your strength is seen in what you stand for; your weakness in what you fall for." [Pulpit Helps,
(May 1999), p. 10]
“Sin has many manifestations but its essence is one. A moral being, created to worship before the
throne of God, sits on the throne of his own selfhood and from that elevated position declares, ‘I
AM.’ That is sin in its concentrated essence...” [A. W. Tozer in 20th Century Thoughts that
Shaped the Church, p. 225]
“Our view of reality is like a map.... If a map is true and accurate, we will generally know where
we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If
the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.” [M. Scott Peck, The Road Less
Traveled, p. 44]
“I believe that it is our job to gather around those who are drowning in the dark side of their
sexuality—if there is the slightest indication that they want to be rescued. I believe that it is our
job to gather around those who are sorely tempted to give up on God’s standards and dive into
the deed-end of their lust—if they are at all willing to have us around.” [Mary Heathman, A
Measure of Grace, (October 2006), p. 6]
FREE INDEED!
The HA workbook is a great tool to help those who struggle with homosexuality turn around. This
is a letter I wrote to a fellow-struggler in our on-line chapter, sharing what I have experienced
through using it.
"The feelings you have are a strong part of my past, and for over twenty-seven years I had to deal
with them. Yes, I too kept running away, and our precious Lord kept bringing me home. Our Lord
will not let us go because we have been purchased with His blood and we are going to reach the
goal that He has for us.
"One thing I find in you that is so important is your detesting your sin and wanting to change. God
sees your heart and knows what you want and He also sees your weak flesh and wants you to have
victory over it. If you have a heart of soft clay, He can work in you. From what I have seen in you
and what you have shared, you have a heart of soft clay. Our Lord is in the process of molding you
and He will form out of you a beautiful vessel for His use. This takes time because we have so
many things that hinder this process.
"I'm going to ask you an open question. Have you worked through the 14 Steps? Many of the
guys start, but then decide they would rather go some supposedly easier way. Until I sat down and
determined in my heart that the Lord had to change me and it can only be as I work these things
out through His Word and the help of others, I got nowhere. I have seen it again and again--if a
guy wants to be free, he has to work at it and be serious. I believe this is what you want. That is
where I was three years ago. Today I am a long way from where I was and am so thankful that
things have changed. For me, and I know others who have found the same was true of them, I had
to take time and work through the steps very seriously. That takes time and much prayer and
effort. I worked through those steps one by one and prayed over them much. Through this process
I was constantly being confronted about different things in my life that the Lord wanted to reveal
to me and also to remove. Often, as I came daily to that workbook, I can remember the Lord
working in me step by step and, through many tears, I started having victory after victory! Yes,
there were falls in between, but they became fewer and fewer as I understood more about myself
through doing that work and sharing here in the group.
"I tried for too many years to stop on my own. Like you, I was a prodigal son, constantly coming
home and then running away again to do my sin. I hated this, but could not stop. Praying and
crying to God seemed an endless, useless thing. Now, with the steps, the help of others, and
allowing the Lord to move in my heart, things are moving forward.
"When I was back in the States last summer, I went to Reading, Pennsylvania, often, visited with
John J., and went to some of the groups he led. I saw others in those groups and made an
interesting observation concerning them and the men in our group. Those who stuck with the
Steps, really worked on them seriously, and did not give up--they made progress. Others did not
get into it in a serious manner. I shared with John J. about some of the men I was working with in
our on-line chapter at that time who were sort of trying, but were not taking the steps seriously. He
told me that until they started really working a good program, they would probably make little
progress. The workbook is not some miracle-working formula, but is based on and filled with
God's Word, and His Word transforms our lives as we learn to apply it to ourselves. Those steps
deal with different areas that need to be faced and resolved in our lives.
"I hope I have not said too much. It's just that this has all meant so much to me! Forgive me for
being so long. God bless you!"
--Dale S
POINTS TO PONDER
"Sinners see something in sin that none can see but themselves. ...It is like Eve's sight, to see the
Godhead growing upon a tree!—if she would eat, and sin against God, she should be like God in
knowing good and evil. So do we fools. We think if we will commit such a sin we will be happy.
But it is a mistake. We are beguiled in the end, and this is the case of many who go away from God.
...Learn to know the vanity of sin and the excellence of God, and then ye cannot go wrong. The soul
that sees Christ, and considers what is in Him, it must love Him. And there is none out of love with
Christ but such as see Him not." [Quaint Sermons of Samuel Rutherford, p. 218]
"...What an unspeakable evil sin must be! We would not have been altogether ignorant of the awful
evil of sin, even if it had not gone the length of the blood of God. We could not have shut our eyes
to the way that sin has cursed and enslaved the soul of man. Death here, and hell hereafter, would
surely have burned something of the diabolical evil of sin into the most sin-seared conscience and
into the most stone-hardened heart. But all the sick-beds, and all the death-beds, and all the lazarhouses, and all the mad-houses, and all the battle-fields, and all the desolated homes, and all the
broken hearts of men and women, from the fall of man to the day of judgment, would not have
proclaimed to earth and heaven and hell the unspeakable malice and wickedness of sin. God's own
blood, shed by sin and shed for sin; that alone, in all the universe, is the full measure of the infinite
evil of sin." [Alexander Whyte, The Apostle Paul, p. 186]
“...We live in a sex-driven society. We are a bunch of emotionally, relationally and physically
starved beings prostituting ourselves to anyone or anything that helps us silence the ache that
resides within us.” [Alan Chambers, Exodus Impact, (December 2006), p. 1]
“Transgendered people are much rarer than those with same-sex attraction, and it is quite hard to
find identical twins in this category, but a survey of the scientific literature...in which twins were
studied gives nine cases of transgender concordance and 12 cases of discordance in identical twins.
I mention this because if the condition were genetic, all identical twin pairs (who have identical
genes) would both be transgendered. They are not.” [Neil E. Whitehead, Ph.D., “A Woman Trapped
In a Man’s Body?” NARTH Bulletin, (Winter 2005), p. 9]
"...Ed Silvoso says, 'A stronghold is a mindset impregnated with hopelessness that causes one to
accept as unchangeable something known to be contrary to the will of God.'" [Neil T. Anderson, A
Way of Escape, p. 110]
When Mother Teresa was asked by an interviewer, “Why are you so holy?” she replied, “You
sound as if holiness were abnormal. To be holy is normal. To be anything else is abnormal.”
[Pulpit Resource, Vol. 28, No. 2, p. 54]
TRUTH APPLIED TO LIFE!
Most of our unhappiness and emotional struggling is caused by the lies we tell ourselves!
This is a critically important truth and the major premise of Dr. Chris Thurman’s wonderful
book, The Lies We Believe: The # 1 Cause of Our Unhappiness.
Dr. Thurman, a Christian psychologist, recommends the approach suggested by Dr. Albert Ellis
for identifying the lies we believe and replacing them with the truth that sets us free. It’s the
“ABC” approach.
[A] represents the event that you experience that triggers a lie. It can be a major or a minor one,
anything from being late for an appointment to being fired from a jog.
[B] represents “self-talk”—what you tell yourself mentally about the event. Your self-talk may
be a lie, or the truth, or a mixture of both.
[C] represents your emotional re-action to that “self talk”. It can be anything from joy to despair.
Let me share a “light bulb” moment in my life that was related to a lie from my childhood that I
believed was the truth and affected a situation in the present that I was able to work through
because of reading this book.
I recently moved down the street to be near my girlfriend. The weekend that I moved, she
planned a trip to the beach with her friends. She did not help me unpack as much as she could
before she left. I thought I was all right with that, but the next day I woke up and looked around
at all the work I had to do. I felt really alone and abandoned.
My self-talk went from “she doesn’t love me” to “she hurt me”. This led to the extreme reaction
of wanting to break off our relationship. I rolled these thoughts around in my mind for three days
and it got to the point of effecting my health. I went from emotional lows to emotional highs and
I was filled with anxiety.
As I thought about the book and my past, I realized that many of these thoughts and feelings
came from my childhood. When I was growing up, my mom and dad would leave me with my
grandmother. I felt abandoned by them. My grandmother loved me very much, and when she
died, I also felt abandoned.
I realized that the abandonment I was feeling when my girlfriend went to the beach stemmed
from my childhood feelings of abandonment from my parents leaving me in someone else’s care
and my grandmother’s death. The idea that I was abandoned was a lie. My mom and dad did not
abandon me but always came back to take me home. My grandmother did not abandon me when
she died. She couldn’t help it! My perception of these events, however, was abandonment. This
was also my perception when my girl friend went to the beach. Again, the idea that I was
abandoned was a lie based on the same sort of perception I had when I was a child.
By using this “ABC” approach as I wrote in my journal, I was able to resolve some of the
internal issues by recognizing the lie I believed. I understood where the lie came from and was
enabled to replace it with the truth.
That is part [D]—truthful self-talk. This is difficult because we learned many lies when we were
growing up and it is often difficult to discern the truth.
However, with the help of the Lord, I was able to put things in perspective. As I was lying in bed
one night, once again feelings of abandonment came flooding in as I thought about my girlfriend
and my childhood. It was as if my emotions were rushing back and forth from past to present.
Suddenly I was able to separate the past events and the present event in my mind and was able to
see the reality of each event separately and clearly. I prayed to the Lord to heal the memory of
the little boy who felt abandoned and was able to calm down and go back to sleep. I realized that
the present event had nothing to do with the past events. The lie had been recognized and the
memory healed.
As a result of all this, I have learned, when something happens in my life and I feel pain, to be
more aware of my self-talk and to evaluate whether what I am saying to myself is true or false.
Only thus can I discern what my correct response to whatever is happening is.
Dr. Thurman’s book has made me aware of many lies that have caused me much unhappiness.
Self-lies, worldly lies, marital lies, distortion lies, and religious lies are all discussed in a clear,
easy to read fashion. The traps into which we so easily fall are outlined so that we can avoid
them and the misery they bring. If you are tired of making yourself unhappy and want to know
more joy in your life, I recommend this book. You will find it very helpful for your daily life.
--David E.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Most of us feel we are controlled by our emotions. We think that if we don’t feel like doing
something, we can’t do it. We think that if our feelings suggest something to our minds, the
feelings reflect reality. If there ever was a lie, a real whopper, that’s it. Let me give you a principle
that can change your life: Your mind controls your emotions, and you control your mind. Feelings,
emotions, and proclivities are not reality. Anyone who tells you different has lied to you.” [Steve
Brown, If Jesus Has Come, p. 136]
"One hundred decoys were placed on the Izu peninsula of Japan to attract endangered albatrosses
and encourage them to breed. For more than two years, a 5-year-old albatross named Deko tried to
woo a wooden decoy by building fancy nests and fighting off rival suitors. He spent his days
standing faithfully by her side. Japanese researcher Fumio Sato, talking about the albatross's
infatuation with the wooden decoy, said, 'He seems to have no desire to date real birds.' So it is with
all people who put their affections upon the gods of this world instead of placing their love in the
Lord God." [World (2/20/99) in Leadership, (Fall 1999), p. 79]
"The worst ignorance in the world is not to know ourselves." [J. C. Ryle, "Luke" II, Expository
Thoughts on the Gospels, p. 181]
POINTS TO PONDER
"...He is the wisest of men who has the worst opinion of his own heart..." [Alexander Whyte,
Bunyan Characters I, p. 32]
“Homosexuality...is one of the results of the Fall, just as every other proclivity to sin is.... There is
no such separate condition as homosexuality—just sinners with different forms of sexual weakness
and different degrees of identity confusion.... Homosexuals are men and women like the rest of us,
and all of us sinners are either wrestling with or giving in to our particular sexual vulnerabilities.”
[Dr. John White, Eros Redeemed: Breaking the Stranglehold of Sexual Sin, p. 151]
"I am here not to realize myself, but to know Jesus." [Oswald Chambers in Pulpit Helps, (January
1999), p. 6]
"Whether a child comes out of homosexuality or pursues the lifestyle, parents need to see their
children as more than 'gay' or 'ex-gay.' He/she is a person, not just a sexuality. ...Sexuality is not an
identity...'" [Regina Griggs quoted in Awakening/Reach, (November 2002), p. 1]
“The Life of Christ shows us that neither a committed, exclusive partnership nor sexual experience
is essential to personal fulfillment. Jesus, who lived the only perfect human life, was single and
celibate. The need not to be ‘alone’ may be met through friendships without sexual intimacy.
Indeed, while human sexuality is affirmed in the Bible, its significance is also qualified. Our true
humanity does not ultimately rest in our sexuality but in fulfilling our capacity for personal
communion with God.” [Christopher Townsend, “Homosexuality: Finding the Way of Truth and
Love,” Cambridge Papers, Vol. 3, No. 2, (1994), p. 3]
“The disposition of people today is to listen to anything and everything...as an indication of
broadmindedness and charitableness. Of course, it is, in reality, nothing of the kind, but an
evidence only of stupidity and worse. People who talk like that think more of their stomach than of
their mind, for they would never be content to eat anything and everything, food and filth alike.”
[W. Graham Scroggie, “The Gospel of Mark,” The Study Hour Series, p. 83]
“Don’t believe what your emotions tell you. Believe what God’s Word tells you. Your emotions
must be redeemed by Jesus.” [Corrie ten Boom, Each New Day, p. 76]
“As long as we remain committed to what we think we know already, or locked into what we think
we want. We will never be open to the mind renewal process.” [Mary Heathman, “Good Touch—
Bad Touch,” A Measure of Grace, (October 2005), p. 5]
“If you are not sure who you are, it must be because you have not yet found your true self in Jesus
Christ. Perhaps you have never come to him in faith, trusting him to save you from your sins and
make you a child of God. Or perhaps you do trust in Christ, but you are still looking for your
identity somewhere else. The only way to find ourselves is to come to God in Christ. Those who are
in Christ know exactly who they are. We know who our Father is, for we are sons and daughters of
the Most High God. We know who our siblings are, for we are brothers and sisters of all God’s
children. If you are a Christian, that is who you are, and who you will be forever.” [Philip Graham
Ryken, “Galatians,” Reformed Expository Commentary, p. 155]
“Who am I? What is my ‘self?’ The answer is that I am a Jekyll and Hyde, a mixed-up kid, having
both dignity, because I was created and have been re-created in the image of God, and depravity,
because I still have a fallen and rebellious nature. I am both noble and ignoble, beautiful and ugly,
good and bad, upright and twisted, image and child of God, and yet sometimes yielding obsequious
homage to the devil from whose clutches Christ has rescued me. My true self is what I am by
creation, which Christ came to redeem, and by calling. My false self is what I am by the fall, which
Christ came to destroy.” [John R. W. Stott, The Cross of Christ, p. 285]
“If the Church is not considered a safe harbor for people tempted by sin, perhaps we share some
responsibility when they fall.” [Joe Dallas quoted in Exodus Impact, (December 2006), p. 1]
“The Human Genome Project, which completed mapping the human genetic molecular structure
in 2003, has yet to find a ‘gay gene’...
Dr. Brad Harrub, Bert Thompson, and Dave Miller, note that the search for a gay gene has
consistently failed over the past two decades in spite of the efforts of gay activist researchers to
locate a genetic basis for homosexuality.
“The authors observe: ‘Skin color and other genetic traits can be traced through inheritance
patterns and simple Mendelian genetics. Homosexuals are identified not by a trait or a gene, but
rather by their actions. Without their action, they would be indistinguishable from all other people.”
[Frank York, “Science Versus the ‘Gay Gene,” NARTH Bulletin, (December 2004), p. 21]
“We are the product on the one hand of the fall, and on the other of our creation by God and recreation in Christ. This theological framework is indispensable to the development of a balanced
self-image and self-attitude. It will lead us beyond self-acceptance to something better still, namely
self-affirmation. We need to learn both to affirm all the good within us, which is due to God’s
creating and re-creating grace, and ruthlessly to deny (i.e. repudiate) all the evil within us, which is
due to our fallenness.
“Then, when we deny our false self in Adam and affirm our true self in Christ, we find that we
are free not to love ourselves, but rather to love him who has redeemed us, and our neighbor for his
sake. At that point we reach the ultimate paradox of Christian living that when we lose ourselves in
the selfless loving of God and neighbor we find ourselves (Mk. 8:35). True self-denial leads to true
self-discovery.” [John R. W. Stott, “Must I Really Love Myself?” Christianity Today, (May 5,
1978)]
“If you and I have souls that are unconquerable, the sky’s the limit. If we really are our own
master and captain, watch out world!
“What seems so right is, in fact, heresy—the one I consider the most dangerous heresy on earth.
What is it? The emphasis on what we do for God, instead of what God does for us....
“Most people see themselves as ‘masters’ of their own fate, ‘captains’ of their own souls. It’s an
age-old philosophy deeply ingrained in the human heart. And why not? It supports humanity’s alltime favorite subject: self.” [Charles R. Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart, p. 278]
“What were once vices are now the manners of the day.” [Seneca in Inspiring Quotations:
Contemporary and Classical, p. 94]
Step 6
We learned to claim our true identity
that, as humankind,
we are part of God’s heterosexual creation
and that God calls us
to rediscover that identity
in Him through Jesus Christ
as our faith perceives Him.
FREE AT LAST!
I stumbled out of the church office with grief knotted in my stomach like a fist. If I heard one more
pat answer to my problem I thought I'd scream. I didn't need pat answers. I needed help. Real help.
And I didn't know where to find it.
I'd been counseled enough to understand why I had the problem. I'd been raised in a hopelessly
dysfunctional family by an alcoholic father and mother in poor health. I'd suffered repeated
rejections by my father. I'd been molested as a child. In fact, child molestation had plagued my
family for several generations. My own grandmother had tried to kill me in the womb by hitting my
mother's protruding belly with a fireplace poker. I knew all that. What I didn't know was how to
overcome not only that past, but also the thoughts and desires that plagued me now.
Where had my life gone? Here I was in my 40s. I'd expected to be comfortable and secure by now.
What did I have to show for my time on earth? Two failed marriages, four children I hardly knew,
and a lifestyle of gay bars. A lifestyle I despised.
Sometimes my life seemed like a bad dream. Maybe if I pinched myself really hard I'd wake up and
be 20 years old again--newly saved, newly Spirit filled and ordained as a minister of the gospel.
Back then, in 1960, new converts weren't discipled. They just waded into the ministry with
youthful zeal.
I had preached, pastored and evangelized. Those were the days when I thought I had the answer to
the world's problems. Now, 20 years later, I was face to face with the reality that I didn't even have
the answer to my own problems.
I was miserable. For 12 years I'd lived a lifestyle that I knew was sinful. I had received prayer.
People had laid hands on me and cast out demonic spirits. But I wasn't free.
In gay bars I met a lot of people who had been raised in Christian homes. I wasn't the only one who
didn't know how to live victoriously over the sin of homosexuality. Ironically, the man I lived with
also had been a minister.
There's nothing more miserable than being a Christian and living outside of the will of God. I was
under constant conviction about my sin, yet I felt hopeless about how to change. I drank vodka to
cope--a half-gallon of vodka each week.
Eventually my roommate and I, both desiring to find help in God, started back to church. One
Saturday when I was going to buy vodka, I heard a voice I recognized --the voice of the Holy Spirit.
"There's no point in buying that vodka," the Lord told me. "You are not going to drink it."
Instead of my usual large supply, I bought only one bottle. Strangely, the next morning I didn't take
a drink before church. That morning my roommate and I rededicated our lives to God. We didn't
just decide to try it God's way. We made a firm commitment. We trusted God with our sexuality.
We trusted Him with our alcoholism. We trusted Him with our minds and emotions. We trusted
Him with our lives. We made a decision that sink, swim, live or die, we were going to serve God.
One gut-wrenching, teeth-clenching month later we poured that last bottle of vodka down the drain.
The decision to obey God at all costs had paid off.
I discovered that there was only one way to deal with this sin and that was through a nocompromise stance. I simply knew that if I compromised, I'd fall. It was too risky.
I was determined to follow God by faith and threw myself into the services of the church. I began
attending Full Gospel Business Men's meetings and at one of those meetings I met Barbara.
"I seemed to run into Bill everywhere I went," Barbara says. "I saw him at church. If I went to a
special service somewhere he was there. He had a tremendous zeal for God."
"As our friendship grew, I--as a widow--was saying I would never marry again. But the Lord
corrected me. 'Don't say that,' He warned. 'You don't know what My plans are.'
"I had heard a talk show discussing homosexuality. A man phoned in to share his experience. He
didn't identify himself, but I recognized his voice. It was Bill. I prayed and asked God how I
should respond if Bill told me about his past. The Lord said, 'It's not going to change anything
because Bill's past is forgiven. It's gone.'"
On our second date, I told Barbara about my past. From that day on we spent hours together talking
each day about the Lord and His plans. On October 20, 1989, we were married.
My roommate, who was now working in our church, has continued living for the Lord and we are
good friends. I still had some issues to work through--especially the molestation I'd experienced as
a child. Ever since, Satan had been building a nest in me which needed to be cleaned out. I needed
the Repairer of the Breach to heal my inner man.
I found a group of people who worked with others overcoming the sin of homosexuality and, with
their help, experienced some inner healing. One of the most difficult things about coming out of the
homosexual lifestyle is the battle for the mind. Not only are there memories to deal with, but also
pornography is an integral part of the homosexual culture. It took a long time to get rid of the
memories of some of the filth I'd seen and read and heard. I discovered that there's only one way to
cleanse the mind of filth--to wash it out with the Word of God. It was through this continual,
cleansing process that my mind and heart were filled with truth and liberty.
One of the first things Barbara shared with me was her collection of tapes by Kenneth and Gloria
Copeland. These tapes carried a no-compromise message with a strong emphasis on the word of
God. By them I was discipled and their teaching gave me a leg to stand on and food for my spirit
and soul.
Today God has called me to reach out to men and women who are caught in the same trap which
stole so many years from me. I'm starting an HA chapter in my area, and my wife, who has always
known that the Lord has had a call on my life, is standing right with me in this work. Pray that God
will help me show others the wonderful truth He's shown me: that whenever you find your self in a
valley of temptation, if you'll reach your hand to Jesus, He'll lead you to the mountain. And the
mountain is worth the climb.
--Bill G.
[Adapted and revised with permission of Kenneth Copeland Ministries, Inc., Fort Worth, Texas
76192, Believer's Voice of Victory, Vol. 21, No. 7, 1993, Kenneth Copeland Publications]
IT HAPPENS!
“The fluidity of sexual orientation was demonstrated on a segment of the television show 20/20
when activist Joann Loulan, who spent 22 years in a lesbian lifestyle, reported that she was involved
in a two-year relationship with a man.
“Ms. Loulan, according to an April 17th, 1998, segment of 20/20 had been an ‘in-your-face’
advocate for lesbian rights. Considered the ‘Dr. Ruth’ of lesbian sex, she broke with her activist
friends when at age 50, she began an affair with a 35-year-old man.
“’For the first two months’, she admitted, ‘I didn’t even tell my close friends... I thought if I tell
people this, they’re going to flip out.’ She reported receiving hate mail because of the relationship.
One letter said, ‘You wrecked it for thousands of lesbians.’ Many of her lesbian friends abandoned
her.
“A psychotherapist, Dr. Paula Rust, told 20/20 viewers why she was the object of so much hostility.
‘It blurs the boundaries between being lesbian and being heterosexual. It calls into question the
aspect of choice. It might imply that being a lesbian is a choice, and so that might subject other
lesbians to pressure to choose heterosexuality.’
“Concluded the show’s moderator: ‘As we got further into this story, we found that JoAnn’s
situation is not so unusual. [NARTH BULLETIN, (August 2000), p. 23]
POINTS TO PONDER
"In a nutshell, recovery means taking back what we lost in the Fall, recovering our place as God's
image bearers, as stewards of the earth." [Henry Cloud and John Townsend, False Assumptions:
Relief from 12 "Christian" Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy, p. 82]
“Recovery is recovering something you already have.” [Elayne Savage, Don’t Take It Personally!
P. 209]
"This...is precisely the challenge of discipleship—giving up what seems like our very selves to find
our true selves." [Os Guinness, Fit Bodies, Fat Minds: Why Evangelicals Don't Think and What to
Do About It, p. 21]
"Give me, O Lord, that highest learning, to know thee; and that best wisdom, to know myself."
[The Works of John Wesley XI, p. 320]
OUT OF THE DARKNESS!
In 1994, as I was driving to my job, while still sexually involved with another woman, I heard John
J. speak on a Christian radio station. Everything he said rang true with me as he spoke of his own
struggles, HA, and Elizabeth Moberly's book, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic. I knew I had
to call him. I did, he sent me some information, and a new life began to open up for me.
I was scared. I had struggled on my own with these feelings for nine painful years. I was
wonderfully born again in 1972 but no one told me I needed healing from a painful past which
included mental, physical, and sexual abuse. These things were not often spoken of back then and I
was so walled off and self-imprisoned that I never understood what a healthy Christian walk with
the Lord meant. So after nine years of fruitless trying, I fell back into lesbianism thinking nothing
else could take away the pain.
My parents were trying to build a restaurant when my sister and I were born. The nightlife was very
compelling for them. My mother would leave us to join my dad who was already at the restaurant
partying. It was only one hundred feet away, but it might as well have been a hundred miles,
because it took my parents from me. They often had someone come over to check on us. One night
a cousin came over and got on top of me, trying to have sex with me. Thank God I was too wiggly
and squirmy for him to succeed, but he then raped my sister. She was so traumatized she couldn't
remember what happened for years. Now she remembers terrible fear, being unable to yell or
scream, and a dreadful feeling that she was going to die.
By the time I was three, my mother's behavior changed because of her drinking. Many times when
she would get us up for school, it was a terrifying experience as she hit us with a comb or brush or
jerked us around like rag dolls because she was still in a drunken stupor.
My parents decided to send us to an aunt's farm when we were three or four on the weekends, the
busiest time of the week at the restaurant. I felt they were trying to get rid of me and didn't love me
any more. While I was staying at the farm, a farm hand began to molest us either together or
individually. I tried to tell my aunt what was happening, but no one listened or did anything, so I
gave up. Eventually I began to look forward to his grabbing me. Someone was giving me attention!
I even made a game of it, saying, "Catch me if you can."
This was my life for the next thirteen years. It seemed as if my sister and I were on our own by age
seven or eight.
Drinking changed my father too. He and my mother were arguing and fighting because of their
drinking--it seemed like all the time. I remember seeing my mother with a swollen face and a black
eye because the drinking had led my dad to emotionally, verbally, and physically abuse her.
My parents never planned it this way. My mother never drank before she got married. My dad
wanted a family. But ambition--the drive for success--the restaurant with its liquor license--all this
meant the destruction of their lives, their home, and their children.
In the midst of all this turmoil, I began reinventing myself when I was five or six. I said, "I'm not
going to be a weak little girl any more. It's painful, shameful, and hopeless. I don't want to be like
my mother! I want to be strong! I want to be in control! I want to be like that farm-hand!" I only
wore dresses when someone made me. I wanted work pants and work shoes like the farm hand had.
Since my sister and I couldn't help each other, we were both driven into our own self-contained
prison.
Puberty kicked in when I was twelve or thirteen and I thought it was nature's cruelest trick because
my body was changing, making it clear that I was what I despised--a woman! I wanted to go back
to my elementary school days when I was the softball player the boys always picked first, when I
was one of the boys! Now I was stuck being a girl and I didn't know what to do. I was sad and
confused.
I tried to be like a normal teenager and be interested in boys, but it didn't work. I became extremely
angry and took it out on my sister and my aunt.
By the time I was fifteen, my uncle began trying to take advantage of me sexually. A few times he
had a bachelor friend stay for the weekend and they both would try to rape me in my bedroom.
They both weighed over 200 pounds and It took all my strength to keep them from having their way
with me. I never figured out where my aunt was at those times.
I began to drink. I already had access to all I wanted in my parents' restaurant. I also had access to
x-rated porno magazines and books and began fantasies about having sex with other women in
which I played the male role. I felt guilty but couldn't stop. My schoolwork suffered. By the time I
was 19, I was a full-fledged alcoholic. I wound up in a psychiatric hospital.
Self-hatred, booze, lesbianism, conversion, backsliding, misery--all these flashed before my eyes
that day I heard John J. on the radio. I was miserable and ready to be helped, and God in His rich
mercy lifted me up out of the pit!
How? I gave my life back to the Lord, got back into Church, became active in HA, began working
in Lord, Set Me Free!, went to HA's seminars and conferences, started an HA chapter where I live,
and entered psychotherapy with a very capable Christian woman professional counselor. She and
my pastor showed me compassion from both sexes and I have seen in them the tender, caring side
of God as I experienced His forgiveness and longsuffering with them.
Today I couldn't be more excited about how God is changing me! The sufferings of the past have
been peeled off layer by layer like an onion and the tears have flowed, but the joy has come!
I'm thrilled to be a woman! It brings tears to my eyes as I see in the Bible how Jesus honored
women, affirmed their identity, and compassionately dealt with them and touched them at their
deepest point of need. As I hear the Lord call hurting women, "Daughter," the ice which encircled
my heart melts. I see how hating myself cost me dearly, shutting me off from intimacy with God
who made me a woman and robbing me of close friendships, family, and other experiences of a
normal life. I rejoice in the love of Christ who gave Himself for me and for my sins on the cross.
He calls me "woman" and I hear Him loud and clear!
--Carolyn H.
INTO THE LIGHT!
When I was very young, I dreamed that the Lord came to me and touched my head. From that point
on, I knew that there was more to this world than what I could see with my eyes.
I was the youngest of five children, the baby, but my mother wanted a girl and that had a negative
effect on how I felt about myself. When I was three or four, a male neighbor molested me. As a
result, I crawled inside myself. I became afraid of people. I would hide under my bid. I withdrew
from adults, including my father. I felt terrible shame.
I started watching TV for hours every day as an escape and would identify, mostly with female
characters. When I was alone, I would imitate those female characters I watched on TV. I lived in
my own little world.
I did not like school and had few friends. I withdrew and felt lonely here also. When puberty hit, I
felt awkward and strangely attracted to boys. I hoped this was just a phase, but it stayed with me as I
grew into adulthood. I began drinking when I was seventeen so I would be socially accepted. This
began my addiction to alcohol. As I grew older, my drinking got worse.
In my early twenties, I decided I might be gay because I felt no real attraction to girls. I had my first
homosexual encounter when I was twenty-three. That left me feeling guilty, depressed, and dirty.
Still, there was something about that encounter that I enjoyed, even though I knew it was wrong.
I began leading a double life: straight by day and “gay” by night. I was miserable, I wanted to stop,
but didn’t know how. Homosexual activity became an obsession.
I hoped travel would help me, so I moved to Colorado and then to Palm Springs, California. There I
plunged into the lifestyle head-on. I partied more and more and began using crystal meth (speed) as
my drug of choice. It helped numb my feelings of guilt and shame, but I was spinning out of
control.
Hoping for some stability in the midst of chaos, I took a lover and we got involved in a “gay”
church. God reached through all that error and darkness and touched me. I accepted Christ with my
whole heart and He began the long, slow process of showing me the way out of the darkness into
the light.
It took several years before I hit bottom. Oddly enough, God used my drug dealer to tell me about a
Christian men’s home that would take me in, clean me up, and teach me the Word of God.
Reluctantly, I entered the home where they taught me about Jesus, the devil, and spiritual warfare. It
was difficult, but I pressed on, got through the program, worked in the home, and even became head
staff.
When I left the home, I soon relapsed and found myself back in homosexual behavior and drug use.
I felt terrible! I was so convicted of my sin. I cried out to Jesus. He never left me despite my sin, but
He certainly didn’t want me to keep living that way.
Christ led me to go back home to Pennsylvania where I found a Bible-believing Church and began
to attend. There I focused on the Lord, but still didn’t feel right. Even though I was serving the Lord,
I felt something was missing. There were still issues that I needed to deal with.
I couldn’t pinpoint the problems, but, as I read Alan Medinger’s Growth into Manhood, I realized
how much of normal growth I had missed while living a homosexual life. At the end of the book
was a list of several organizations where help could be found. Among these was Homosexuals
Anonymous.
I called the office and spoke to John J. who was very understanding and helpful. He sent me
information on the ministry and encouraged me to attend a meeting.
I went to my first meeting and was encouraged to find that I was not alone in my struggles. I also
learned that there is more to recovery from homosexuality than simply stopping acting out. There
are deep emotional wounds that need healing and a defensive attachment from persons of the samesex that needs to be undone so that the unmet, same-sex, parent-child needs that were not met in our
childhood can be met and normal growth can resume.
I love the HA workbook, Lord Set Me Free! It is rich with the Word of God and each step has
helped me work through issues that had kept me trapped in darkness. I’ve learned how to come
clean and be honest with myself and others. Those wonderful steps are helping me tremendously in
my walk with God, and He’s using them to heal my soul.
I’ve been attending HA meetings regularly for over three years now, have attended the Recovery
Seminar, the Training Seminar, and the HA Conferences, and I’ve been richly blessed as I met other
strugglers and made new friends. I thank God for HA, because, without it, I would not be where I
am today.
I met a woman named Tierry at my church; we became good friends and are seriously dating now.
She blesses me wonderfully.
God has done so much for me through the ministry of HA that I felt a strong desire to give back to
the program. I started a chapter in Hazleton, Pennsylvania, and recently volunteered my time at the
Reading office. John J., who has been a blessing to my life and a good encourager, gave me a list of
pastors in the area to contact and tell about the ministry and how it has changed my life. The
response was tremendous and those good ministers blessed my soul more than they could know.
HA has needed a staff person for some time and God gave me a burning desire to spend the rest of
my life serving Him in this work. I met with HA’s Board, and they offered me the position. I
accepted with great joy. I am excited to work for such a vital and needed ministry.
Please pray for me as I begin the great work to which God has called me. Pray that God will keep
me faithful in all things and will use me mightily to glorify His Name through this ministry as we
spread the good news that Jesus Christ can and does set men and women free from the bondage of
homosexuality. He did it for me and is doing it for others
.
--David E.
A PASTOR’S EXPERIENCE
We asked a pastor who used our materials with a young man he was counseling to share his
experience with you so that other pastors and counselors may take heart and be willing to reach out
to hurting men and women with the truth that there is freedom from homosexuality in Christ!
The pastor writes: “I had just finished serving as the Spiritual Director for a long, three-day
weekend retreat with about forty-five men. I was really tired, but the plea over the telephone, ‘Will
you help me?’, was so intense that I had to answer, ‘Of course I will help you!’
“The young man told me a long story of ten to twelve years of pain and suffering due to a
homosexual struggle. He was living with another man and our weekend retreat had given him the
courage to make the phone call to me.
“I told him that I had been counseling hurting people for many years and that I had just purchased a
workbook from Homosexuals Anonymous entitled Lord, Set Me Free! I suggested that we use it as
the basis for our work together.
Thus we began to meet for two hours every afternoon for fifteen weeks as he struggled through
the early steps of that great workbook. I was astounded at the bibliography attached to the
workbook—literally hundreds of published books all setting forth the idea that Jesus Christ is ready,
willing, and able to free anyone who really wants to be free of those confused longings for another
Father to assist in the struggle to find real fulfillment in life.
“Many of the steps were difficult for him to take. We always prayed before and after each two-hour
session. I always ended our prayers by asking the good Lord to free him from those deep feelings he
had been struggling with. As he began to make serious progress and sensed the power of the Lord to
redirect his thinking, I realized that he was going to become free of all those earlier attractions.
“We finally finished the 14 steps. He was jubilant! ‘Now I know that I’m really free!’ he cried out to
me. I hugged him and he thanked me again and again for being the change-agent who helped him
accomplish his victory.
“When we first began, I stressed the importance of working hard and seriously on the workbook and
of being constant in his attendance at church. I also cautioned him against the coming attacks of the
enemy: ‘Remember now, no more fantasies and no more masturbation!’ He agreed, and even
though this was a tough struggle, the Lord won that battle for him.
“My friend continued working on his issues, and a number of weeks after our time of meetings, he
called to tell me that he had been dating a woman who had been a lesbian, that he was going to her
church with her on Sundays, and that they had fallen in love. He said that they were thinking of
getting married and asked if I would ‘stand with him at their marriage ceremony’. I happily agreed
and many weeks later met her and encouraged him. I was with them as they were married in her
church.
“He called me when they returned from their honeymoon. I asked him this question: ‘Did the Lord
heal every part of you when you went through the 14 steps?’ He laughed because he knew what I
was asking him. ‘Oh yes He did! He healed me completely!” He laughed and I thanked the Lord
again for His wonderful grace!
“A year later he sent me a picture of his wife and their new son, and just lately, through the
grapevine, I have heard that they are expecting their second child. Praise the Lord! Thank you
Jesus!
--Rev. Spencer Quick, Clayton, NC
(Name used with permission)
POINTS TO PONDER
"Nearly all the knowledge we possess, that is to say, true and sound wisdom, consists of two parts:
the knowledge of God and of ourselves." [John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion I.i.1.
Volume I, p. 35]
"As our culture shouts loud messages to us about who we're supposed to be and what we're
supposed to do to be fulfilled, growing numbers of Christians are becoming confused about their
identity and purpose.... When we inadequately exalt God and instead exalt ourselves openly or
subtly, aware or unaware, then we make ourselves vulnerable to wrong perceptions about
ourselves." [Carol Cornish in Women Helping Women, p. 72]
"It came as a shock to me that 'being true to myself' was impossible, for I didn't yet know myself."
[Mary Heathman, "Flying on Auto-Pilot," A Measure of Grace, (April 2000), p. 2]
"The future depends not upon what others decide to do, but upon what you decide to become."
[Frank Buchman quoted in Karen Greene, 12 Steps Illustrated, p. 10]
"You need not worry about where you yourself are. You watch your thoughts or ideals. If you
thoughts or ideals are in the right, it will not be long before you yourself will be there, but, on the
other hand, if your thoughts or ideals are bad, it will not be long before you will be there. If you
want to be sure of your thoughts and your ideals all you need to do is to center them upon Jesus
Christ and what He would have you do, and everything will be right with you." [Leslie E. Dunkin in
500 Things Your Minister Tried To Tell You, p. 62]
“The Opinion Research Corporation recently asked 1,072 practicing psychiatrists for their views on
various aspects of sexuality; 207 responded. When asked if homosexuals could be changed to
heterosexuals, 53% responded ‘yes,’ 24% were ‘not sure,’ and only 22% said ‘no.’ An interesting
finding in this political climate!” [NARTH Newsletter, (March 1993), p. 3]
"What, sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, sir, almighty
scarce." [Samuel L. Clemens (Mark Twain) in Paul Dickson, Toasts: The Complete Book of the Best
Toasts, Sentiments, Blessings, Curses, and Graces, p. 290]
"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up." [Joseph Barth in Robert J. Ackerman, A Husband's
Little Black Book, p. 21]
VERY INTERESTING!
Peter Singer, a bioethics professor at Princeton University, wrote a piece titled “Lasting Love
Looks Beyond the Physical: The Greatest Threat to Marriage May be Attraction.” that originally
appeared in the Los Angeles Times and on the web-page of The Philadelphia Inquirer, posted
May 5, 2003. Our thanks to Pete C. for bringing it to our attention.
Singer tells the story of his grandfather, David Oppenheim, and his grandmother, Amalie
Pollack, and of their unusual marriage.
Several things made it unusual. First, Amalie was three years older than David and his parents
doubted the wisdom of his decision to marry her. Second, David felt that the foundation of his
relationship with Amalie was “the clear insight into the worth of your character.” Not very
romantic! Third, and for us most interesting, David had earlier been in love with a young man
named Victor, and Amalie seems to have had an erotic interest in women. What chance would
such a marriage have? It all depends on the character of the people entering it!
At the time David and Amalie were planning to marry, arranged marriages were still common in
Eastern Europe. Had they lived a few generations earlier, they would almost certainly have had
little choice about whom they would marry. In such a culture there was often neither love nor
appreciation of the worth of the other’s character before marriage. “With luck, one or both of
those would come afterward.”
Singer notes that although his grandparents chose each other, they came from a tradition that
realized “that romantic love is not the key to a good marriage.” “...My grandfather married a
woman whom he admired for her intellect and fine psychological insight rather than for her
physical appeal. Even after they had decided to marry, he did not think her beautiful.”
How did it turn out? “The relationship between my grandparents lasted more than 30 years and
was ended only by David’s death in the over-crowded, underfed Nazi ghetto of Theresienstadt in
Czechoslovakia.… People who knew my grandparents have described the marriage as
‘exemplary,’ ‘wonderful’ and ‘probably the best marriage I have ever encountered.’”
“But what about passion?” you might ask. Singer says, “The passion seems to have come later—
sufficient, in any case, to produce two children, my mother and my aunt.”
This is not to suggest that everyone struggling with homosexuality rush out and get married! It is
far better to work on recovery first (something not available to David and Amalie) and marry
later, when good progress has been made.
It is to suggest that those strugglers who are married need not give up hope for a satisfying
relationship. Much depends on the character of the struggler and his or her spouse. If they truly
love each other and have not bought into the passion-mad folly of our culture, they have a very
real chance at true happiness. Hang in there and never give up on each other so long as the
struggling spouse is working on recovery and finding ways to be faithful. After all, when you
took your vows you promised to keep yourself only for the other “till death us do part.”
Further, here is hope for the struggler who fears he or she is doomed to be forever alone. Others
have been where you are and have built a happy, satisfying marriage. Be diligent. Go to your
meetings. Work your workbook. Undo your defensive detachment. Get your unmet emotional
needs that were not met in your relationship with your same-sex parent fulfilled in healthy ways.
Have the courage to build solid, emotionally intimate friend-ships, first with persons of the same
sex, then with persons of the other sex. Watch God work. You may be surprised!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement." [Groucho Marx in Les
Parrott III and Leslie Parrott, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, p. 91]
“Overcoming homosexual behavior can be such a life-dominating struggle that people who struggle
often feel as if they are the only ones who have this burden to bear. Their focus has become very
narrow, preventing them from seeing the struggles and burdens in those around them. The truth is
that all Christians are called to change. We all have lifestyles that must come under the Lordship of
Jesus. All of us are in the process of change and becoming that which Christ has ordained for us.”
[Bob Ragan, “Fifteen Years of Observation,” Regeneration News, (May 2003), p. 1-2]
“There are four things very necessary to be known by all that would see heaven. 1. What man was
in the state of innocence, as God made him. 2. What he is in the state of corrupt nature, as he hath
unmade himself. 3. What he must be in the state of grace, as created in Christ Jesus unto good
works, if ever he be made a partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light. 4. What he will be in his
eternal state, as made by the Judge of all, either perfectly happy, or completely miserable, and that
for ever.” [Thomas Boston, Human Nature in Its Fourfold State, p. 8]
"All men that are ruined are ruined on the side of their natural propensities." [Edmund Burke in
Milton Lomask, Aaron Burr: The Years from Princeton to Vice President, 1756-1805, p. 264]
“Basically the answer to the question Who am I? is this: I am a person created in God’s image with
a longing to love and to be loved. One of the things we know most fundamentally about God is that
God is love. Because God has created us in His image, God has built into us a capacity and longing
for love.... The problem is, of course, that….both our capacity to love and our capacity to receive
love can become distorted.” [Juanita R. Ryan, “Seeing Others More Clearly,” Steps, (Vol. 12, No.
3), p. 4]
“The homosexual movement tells homosexuals that their arousal is their destiny. This is a slander
against God. We must learn not to trust our sinful affections and erotic interests, but to submit all of
this to the objective authority of God’s Word. By God’s grace, we must all come before the throne
of Christ and pray that God will order our affections, our passions, and our erotic interests to his
glory. We must say that to ourselves, even as we say it to the homosexual. All of us stand under the
same need for forgiveness and with the same accountability before our creator.” [R. Albert Mohler,
Jr., “Homosexual Marriage as a Challenge to the Church: Biblical and Cultural Reflections,” Sex
and the Supremacy of Christ, p. 122]
TOUCH AS AN INSTRUMENT OF HEALING
Somewhere in my early life I developed the belief that I was untouchable because of my
homosexual feelings and experiences. While I dated girls in my teenage years, I took any “no” as a
sign that I was undesirable to others. In college I married and was able to relate well to my life, but
there was still an inner-self that had a split: one side was my public life in which I functioned well;
the other side was my “private” life which was the “bad” me. This secret part of me—my
homosexual desires--grew until I was out of control.
I finally got up enough courage to seek out a pastoral counselor to whom I confessed my
homosexual struggles. He was a warm, com-passionate man who empathized with me, even
though he knew nothing about how to help a homosexual struggler. When he took my hand to
pray with me, it made me feel very good because I felt untouchable.
Later I entered therapy with a psychologist who did know about treating a homosexual struggle
through psychotherapy. He helped me get in touch with my inner feelings. As this began to
happen, I would often disassociate. I felt like I was in outer space with nothing to support me. I
was able to make it through these experiences because I was sitting beside my therapist who would
hold my hand or at time put his arm around me in an embrace and allow me to embrace him.
When I was dealing with experiences in infancy, he held me in his lap like a baby. I learned that I
was touch starved from childhood mainly as a result of my own shame and guilt. All this
supported me through the darkest period of my life—remembering my feelings as a child. I was
able to tolerate the fears and emotional pain because of touch. My therapist clearly understood his
own sexuality.
He also found another therapist who did massage work to release the tension in the individual’s
body and to release his or her pent up emotions. This therapist and his wife worked together as a
team. He did the massage and she would hold me at times of extremely deep emotion. Once
during one of those sessions I even called her mother. These treatments helped me progress.
During the time I was able to find a male friend who was willing to hold my hand as a friend. It
was like his masculinity was being transferred into my own psyche. Later another friend was
willing to do body massage and use holding techniques that greatly reduced my homosexual desires
and gave me a sense of inner peace.
My life-long desire had been to know a man, but in my confusion, that desire was sexualized.
Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse’s book, Homosexuality: A Symbolic Confusion, spoke clearly to my
situation.
Today I can say I have experienced a oneness with a man without a sexual component. I have
been able to bond with another male—something I had never been able to do with my father or any
other man largely due to my own sense of guilt and shame that made such bonding impossible.
This has brought me a real sense of belonging as a male to the male population and a real sense of
my proper place in the world of women. Touch with my wife is to love, cherish, and protect her.
Touch with a male is to continue this bonding as the male that was lost in childhood. I am no
longer afraid of the masculine, but see it in its proper perspective. If a man feels more feminine
than masculine, where else would he turn to find love but to someone of the same sex. Once that
changes, the direction of love changes too. I became a man among men, so that I could become a
man among women. Today I am in touch with my own sexuality. I know who I am!
--Elton M.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Fathers, hug your sons—or some day, another man will.” [Dr. Dean Byrd, NARTH Bulletin,
(December 2004), p. 44]
“Every cell of a person’s body contains chromosomes which identify that individual as either
male or female. It is not simply a question of different genitals. Before birth prenatal hormones
shape the brains of boys to be different than those of girls. Mutilating surgery and hormone
treatments can create the appearance of a male or female body, but it cannot change the
underlying reality. It is not possible to change a person’s sex.” [Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D.,
“Can a Person’s Sex Be Changed?” NARTH Bulletin, (Winter 2005), p. 7]
“Like the creature of nature, sex is a part of God’s good creation. Yet, just as birds drop and bees
sting, human sexuality can create sudden messes and unanticipated pain in many lives. [“Desperate
Times: How did sex become just skin-on-skin instead of soul-to-soul?” Leadership Journal,
(Winter 2006), p. 30]
“It is…true that my life has been dented, scarred, and mangled in places by the consequences of
the sins of others against me—directly and indirectly. The truth is that the consequences are here
and they are now. They are not going away; they cannot be undone. They can be redeemed and
transformed but they cannot be undone. No amount of revenge towards my perpetrators or
penance from them is going to change the reality that my life is affected by what has happened.
When I can let go of this longing to return to innocence of the past, I am stepping towards
freedom...” [Nancy Hicks, “Forgiveness,” A Measure of Grace, (March 2004), p. 4]
Romans 1:24-31 says the wrath of God is revealed in those who commit heterosexual, homosexual,
and various non-sexual sins. “In addition, the divine condemnation is deserved, not only by those
who do these terrible things, but also by those who approve of them, those non-judgmental types
who embrace the pale, flaccid I-will-not-impose-my-morality-on-others theory. God’s judgment
falls, then, not only on the malefactors themselves, but on the society that condones, permits, or
approves such malefaction.” [Patrick Henry Reardon, Touchstone Magazine, (January 25, 2005]
Though no one can go back
and make a new start,
anyone can start from now
and make a brand new end.
[Carl Bard quoted in The Best of Barbara Johnson, p. 460]
“Noah didn’t wait for his ship to come in—he built one!” [Awakening-Reach Newsletter, (August
2003), p. 1]
Step 7
We resolved to entrust our lives
to our loving God
and to live by faith,
praising Him for our new unseen identity,
confident that it would become visible to us
in God’s good time.
I FOUND REAL JOY!
I was born, one of seven children, into a poor family with an alcoholic father at the head. From my
earliest memories, I longed for his love and attention, but it seemed he had none to give. My mother
died when I was four years old. My siblings and I were immediately placed in foster care.
The home was far from ideal. It was very clear to me that we were second-class citizens. While the
rest of the family ate steak, we were served oatmeal. We had no blankets for our beds, so we used
our coats to keep warm at night.
The rooms were cold, so when the oldest son invited me into his bed, underneath his warm covers, I
didn't mind. It was nice to be warm and have someone pay attention to me. For the first time in my
life, I felt loved and wanted. Neither of us knew the damage he was doing.
It was not long before my aunt and uncle were able to adopt me. They were kind and loving, but I
was unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the kind of love they offered. In my preteen years, I, again,
became a victim of sexual abuse. It was a kind of attention I was comfortable with. I didn't
complain.
By age 12, I had experienced more of the darkness in this world than many people see in their
whole lives. Numerous abusive encounters left me confused about my sexuality. With no stable
foundations to build upon, I began to believe I was homosexual.
High school was hard. I was different, and my teenage peers did everything they could to remind
me of it. Their teasing was cruel and merciless.
I was caught up in a whirlwind of turmoil; still struggling with my sexuality. I had no friends—no
one to talk to. I needed someone, anyone, to understand my anguish, so at age 17, I tried to take my
life. It was not much more than a desperate cry for help, but no one took notice—nothing changed.
My aunt and uncle never spoke of the incident and my loneliness suffocated me.
I finally turned to the only place I'd ever found acceptance. I went to see the man who had abused
me when I was 12. We spent the night together. I could see no other direction for my life.
As I entered adulthood, I was aimless and restless—a dangerous combination. I spent many nights
just driving, around in my car. One night, as I drove, I had the great fortune of getting stuck in a
ditch. A kind man stopped to help me. As he assisted me out of the ditch, he began talking about the
revival meeting from which he had just come. It sounded interesting, so when he invited me to the
next meeting, I accepted. At the meeting, I heard the good news of Jesus Christ and of the free gift
He offered me. That night, I accepted Christ's sacrifice on the cross as payment for my own sins,
and trusted in Him as my only way to heaven.
I felt brand new! I had always known my homosexual actions were wrong, but now I had the power
to overcome these feelings. The freedom and joy so filled me that I could talk of nothing else for
almost three months.
When I became a Christian, I thought my sinful longings would be taken from me forever, so, when
my homosexual desires began to surface again, I was angry and confused. I was so ashamed; I just
couldn't let other Christians know what I was struggling with.
I thought perhaps marriage would be the solution, and so I married. This only served to emphasize
my homosexual feelings. I kept my longings a secret, and became depressed and introverted to the
point that even answering the door or phone was an unbearable task.
Six years and two children later, my wife divorced me. My sons and I moved in with her parents,
who cared for the children while I slept constantly—waking only to go to work. When I was awake,
I considered the many different ways I could kill myself: drugs, alcohol, carbon monoxide and
firearms. I tried them all. My very last attempt took the form of sleeping pills.
God had decided that He was not through with me here on earth. As I lay in the hospital, recovering
from the overdose, my pastor visited me and helped me understand what I really needed to begin
my recovery:
(1) I learned that everyone is tempted. Even Jesus was tempted. My response to the temptation is
what's important.
(2) I learned there is nothing I can say or do that will shock God, or keep Him from His love for me.
(3) I learned to cry out to God in my moments of weakness and to draw strength from Him.
(4) I learned of His promise to help me—anytime, anywhere.
(5) I learned that through Him, I can overcome my sin.
When I was released from the hospital, I got in touch with Homosexuals Anonymous on the
recommendation of my pastor and wonderful healing began taking place.
I also became part of a Bible study group where I met the beautiful, loving woman who is now my
wife. I knew if God meant us to be together, my homosexual struggle would not be an issue for
her—it wasn't. She is a joy and a blessing to me!
My healing continues and fills my heart with deep joy—a delight I want to share with others. I am
starting a chapter in my area. Our recent first meeting was great! God has been so wonderfully good
to me!
--Tim C.
POINTS TO PONDER
"It often seems more difficult to trust God than to obey Him. The moral will of God given to us in
the Bible is rational and reasonable. The circumstances in which we trust God often appear
irrational and inexplicable." [Jerry Bridges, Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts, p. 17]
THE OVERCOMER’S COVENANT IN CHRIST
“I place all my trust and confidence in the Lord and I put no confidence in the flesh—I declare
myself to be dependent on God. I know that I cannot save myself, nor set myself free by my own
efforts and resources. I know that apart from Christ I can do nothing. I know that all temptation is
an attempt to get me to live my life independently from God, but God has provided a way of
escape. [Cf. Philippians 3:3; Ephesians 2:8,9; John 15:5; I Corinthians 10:13]
“I consciously and deliberately choose to submit to God and resist the devil by denying myself,
picking up my cross daily and following Jesus. I know that my soul was not designed by God to
function as master. I know that rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and insubordination is as
iniquity and idolatry. [Cf. James 4:7; Mark 8:34; I Samuel 15:23]
“I choose to humble myself before the mighty hand of God that He may exalt me at the proper
time. I know that God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. [Cf. I Peter 5:6;
James 4:6]
“I declare the truth that I am dead to sin, freed from it and alive to God in Christ Jesus, because I
have died with Christ and was raised with Him. I know that the law and all my best efforts are
unable to impart life, and that Jesus came to give me life. [Cf. Romans 6:1-14; John 10:10]
“I gladly embrace the truth that I am now a child of God, who is unconditionally loved and
accepted. I reject the lie that I have to perform to be accepted, and I reject my fallen and natural
identity which was derived from the world. I know that it is not what I do that determines who I
am, but who I am that determines what I do. [Cf. I John 3:2; Romans 4:4-7; Galatians 5:24; 6:14]
“I declare that sin shall no longer be master over me because I am not under the law, but under
grace; and there is no more guilt or condemnation because I am spiritually alive in Christ Jesus. I
am a servant of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit
gives life. [Cf. Romans 6:14; 8:1,2; II Corinthians 5,6]
“I renounce every unrighteous rise of my body, and I commit myself to no longer be conformed to
this world, but rather to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I choose to believe the truth
and walk in it, regardless of my feelings or circumstances. I know that before I came to Christ my
mind was programmed according to this world and I used my body as an instrument of
unrighteousness thereby allowing sin to reign in my mortal body. [Cf. I Corinthians 6:19,20; 9:27;
Romans 12:1,2; 6:12,13]
“I commit myself to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. I choose to think upon
that which is true, honorable, right, pure and lovely. I know that the Holy Spirit explicitly says that
in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines
of demons. [Cf. II Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8; I Timothy 4:1]
“I commit myself to God’s great goal for my life to conform to His image. I know that I will face
many trials, but God has given me the victory. I am not a victim, but an overcomer in Christ. The
grace of God will enable me to triumph over every trial resulting in proven character. [Cf. Romans
8:29,35-37; 5:3-5]
“I choose to adopt the attitude of Christ, which is to do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit,
but with humility of mind I will regard others as more important than myself. I will not merely
look out for my own personal interests, but also for the interest of others. I know that it is more
blessed to give than to receive.” [Cf. Philippians 2:3-5; Acts 20:35] [Neil T. Anderson and Mike
and Julia Quarles, Freedom from Addiction, p. 335-337]
While this book is directed primarily toward substance abusers, there is much in it for those who
struggle with homosexuality. We recommend it to those seeking freedom from homosexuality,
remembering that about 30% of those who have a homosexual struggle also battle substance abuse.
POINTS TO PONDER
"I was a mere lad! I went one day up to the third story of our home, where we had a great storeroom
where we put away the old books out of the library, and as a boy I loved to go and sit on the floor of
that room, and get the books around me and look through them, and one day I came across the
covenant of the church of my mother, and commenced to read it, and I said to myself, 'I wonder if I
cannot be a Christian?' I can say 'Yes' to that, and can say 'Yes' to that, and that, and after a time I
came to a place where it said something to this effect, 'If I become a Christian I was to be willing to
do anything God said, and go anywhere He said.' I shut up the book and said, 'No, just as likely as
not I'll have to be a preacher if I say "Yes" to that, and then life wouldn't be worth living.' And I
threw that book away and deliberately refused to take Jesus Christ, and deliberately refused to think
about it any more. Then I said to myself, 'I am going in for all the pleasure I can get'; and I had a
good opportunity to get it. My father was well off in this world's goods; and as a boy of fifteen I was
sent off to the university and matriculated for a degree, and my father sent me up all the money I
wanted. Now, if you put a boy into a university, who learns easily and has no trouble to keep up
with his class, a boy with a rich father, who does not ask him how he spends his money—I have
often thought it would have been a good thing for me if he had—if anybody can have a good time,
he can, and I went in for a good time. Did I find it?... I did not. And I went deeper, deeper, deeper,
deeper into dissipation and sin to find joy to satisfy my unsatisfied heart. I did not find it, and one
awful night..., with all hope gone, with life desolate and...barren...I started to take...my life by my
own hand. I sprang out of bed and drew open a drawer to take out the instrument that would end my
life. For some reason or other I could not find it. God did not let me find it, and I dropped upon my
knees, and said, 'O God, if you will take this awful burden from my heart, I will preach the Gospel;'
and God not only removed the burden, I found a joy I had never dreamed of in this world..." [R. A.
Torrey, Revival Addresses, p. 149-150]
"If God would give unto you all created pleasures and build you a Paradise of all created things, yet
never be content until ye get Christ Himself." [Quaint Sermons of Samuel Rutherford Hitherto
Unpublished, p. 383]
“A man is born again when the control of his life, its center and its direction pass from himself to
God.” [Samuel M. Shoemaker, National Awakening, p. 57]
BOLT THAT DOOR!
A few years ago, Episcopal Bishop John Spong ordained Robert Williams to the priesthood though
Spong knew he was a practicing homosexual who Spong believed was living in a monogamous
relationship.
A month later, Williams addressed an Episcopal symposium on gay and lesbian marriage where he
stated that “celibacy is unnatural and spiritually inhibiting and monogamy is just as bad. ‘If people
want to try, OK. But the fact is, people are not monogamous,’ he declared. ‘It is crazy to hold up
this ideal and pretend it’s what we’re doing and we’re not.’ When a priest challenged him by asking
whether he thought Mother Teresa would be better off taking a lesbian lover, Williams testily
replied: ‘If you’re asking me do I think Mother Teresa ought to get laid, my answer is “yes.”’”
[Kenneth L. Woodward and Larry Wilson, “The Fall of a Gay Priest,” Newsweek, (February 12,
1990), p.61]
This is interesting for a number of reasons. For one thing, it shows the folly of well meaning but illinformed people who, by permitting or encouraging relationships which God forbids, apparently
deem themselves wiser than the Omniscient! [See The Bible and Homosexuality available from
HAFS.]
More importantly, Williams’ story may show us our own folly. Some of us harbor a romantic
illusion, a door in the back of our minds through which we half-consciously plan an escape if the
road to recovery proves too painful or takes too long to suit us. We think, “If this doesn’t work,
perhaps I can find love in a monogamous gay relationship. That will be all right since it’s not as bad
as all those one night stands.” If that door is not bolted, it may lead to folly, sin, disappointment,
despair, and even death!
The fact that one course of action is not “as bad as” another does not make it “all right.” To beat
someone half to death is not “as bad as” murdering them, but it is surely not “all right”!
God’s Word clearly forbids all homosexual activity. This is not an arbitrary imposition but a word
of compassion from the God who loves us so much that He gave His Son over to the cross that we
might enjoy forgiveness and freedom. God knows our struggles stem from unhealed wounds from
childhood. He wants to heal those wounds. He understands that many of us are sexual addicts who
cannot, by themselves, stop risking their lives for a “fix.” He cares about our welfare and thus
cannot approve our misguided attempts to find comfort. He must urge us to true joy in His good,
acceptable, and perfect will. The question is, “Will we trust Him?”
As Mr. Williams clearly warns, to search for a monogamous gay relationship is to seek a mirage.
Look at the facts! “West in England, Giese in Germany, and countless American scientists and
homosexual writers agree with Kinsey’s conclusion that long homosexual relationships between
men are notably rare. Many homosexuals say they are looking for a lasting affair and are quick to
shack up, but in fact have a series of brittle, stormy, short-lived relationships.” [Arno Karlen,
Sexuality and Homosexuality, p. 526f.]
Dr. Robert Kronemeyer notes that the Kinsey Institute “reported in 1978 that the average gay male
had at lease five hundred different partners during his sexual career, most of whom are strangers and
one-time contacts. By contrast, the average heterosexual male has—throughout his life—from five
to nine sex partners; he usually cares about these women and enjoys sex repeatedly with them....
“Three out of ten homosexual men have never had a relationship that survived the one-night stand,
and most gay men have never had an exclusive relationship with another gay that lasted as long as
six months. Gay magazine pertinently remarked that what ‘starts early in one’s experience as a way
of avoiding involvement can become a life-style that leaves in its wake a genuine emptiness.’”
[Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 32]
Gay sociologist Dennis Altman writes, “While the idea that all lesbians seek totally monogamous
relationships while all gay men reject monogamy is clearly a myth, it does seen clear that among
gay men, a long-lasting monogamous relationship is almost unknown. Indeed both gay women and
gay men tend to be involved in what might be called multiple relationships, though of somewhat
different kinds.” [The Homosexualization of America, p. 187, emphasis his]
Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports on the in-depth study conducted by a homosexual couple, one a
psychiatrist, the other a psychologist, undertaken to disprove the reputation that gay male
relationships do not last. Drs. David P. McWhirter and Andrew M. Mattison titled their study The
Male Couple: How Relationships Develop.
“After much searching they were able to locate 156 male couples in relationships that had lasted
from 1 to 37 years. Two-thirds of the respondents had entered the relationship with either the
implicit or the explicit expectation of sexual fidelity.
“The results show that of these 156 couples, only seven had been able to maintain sexual fidelity.
Furthermore, of those seven couples, none had been together more than five years. In other words,
the researchers were unable to find a single male couple that was able to maintain sexual fidelity for
more than five years.” [Joseph Nicolosi, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, p. 111,
emphasis his]
Nicolosi notes, “Many writers propose that homosexual behavior should not be judged by
heterosexual norms, and that conclude that fidelity is impractical in natural homosexual
relationships...” [Ibid., p. 140]
Dr. Robert J. Kus says, “...Research on gay male couples indicates that total monogamy in gay
male couples is rare. In the study of Blumstein and Schwartz, 82 percent of the gay couples were
nonmonogamous in their current relationships and in later years monogamy was virtually
nonexistent among gay male couples.” [“Sex, AIDS, and gay American Men,” Holistic Nursing
Practice, (August 1987), p. 45-46]
Dr. Margaret White cites a survey published in the British Journal of Sexual Medicine in April
1987. “Two London residents admitted to having five hundred partners in one year; twelve admitted
to five thousand partners in their lifetime (most were under forty years old); and 10% admitted to
having sexual intercourse with between one thousand and five thousand. Most men had between
one hundred and five hundred partners during their lives, and between six and fifty in the past year.”
[AIDS & The Positive Alternative, p. 73-74]
Dr. Robert Gagnon notes, “In 1994, the largest gay magazine in American, The Advocate, published
the results of questionnaires returned by 2,500 of its adult male homosexual readers. In the course of
the relatively short average life span of the respondents (thirty-eight years old), only 2% had had sex
with just one man. Fifty-seven percent had more than 30 male sex partners, and 35% had more than
100. In the past year alone, about two-thirds (63%) had five or more...” [The Bible and Homosexual
Practice, p. 455]
The data is equally depressing for homosexuals in a “relationship”. “A Dutch study of the sexual
habits of one hundred fifty-six male homosexual couples published in 1994 reported that, on
average, each partner had seven other sex partners in just the one year preceding the survey. Nearly
two-thirds (62%) of these ‘close-coupled’ gays were nonmonogamous in that same one-year period.
The number of outside partners in the first year of the relationship averaged 2.5; by the sixth year of
the relationship, the number increased to eleven.” [Ibid., p. 456, emphasis his]
“A 1997 study of 2,583 homosexually active men in Australia found that, of those over forty-nine
years old, one quarter (26.6%) had more than 10 male partners in the past six months alone, half
(44.9%) had between 2 and 10, and a quarter had just one (28.5%). In the course of their lifetime to
date, only 2.7% of the older men (and just 2.9% of those under 50 years of age) reported having had
just one male partner. The percentages for the other response categories are astounding: 2-10 male
sex partners, 10.2%; 11-20, 14.1%; 21-50, 12.9%; 51-100, 11.8%; 101-500, 21.6%; 1000 or more,
15.7%. Thus nearly 9 out of every 10 of those over 49 years old had...more than 10 male sex
partners, and of these the majority had over 100.” [Ibid., 455, emphasis his]
As Donald Webster Cory, a pseudonym for Edward Sagarin, “a professor of sociology in a
prominent New York City University” and “the father of the homophile movement” [Toby Marotta,
The Politics of Homosexuality, p. 330, 20] and John P. LeRoy stated: If a homosexual “expects that
his casual sexual partner will, somehow or other, turn out to be a lover or life companion, his
chances of having these hopes fulfilled by reality are rather small. In the few instances in which this
sort of thing does happen, it is an event that excites widespread excitement among gay circles.
Stories, true or exaggerated, are handed down to the effect that the invert met his lover at a gay bar,
bath, or what have you, and is not ‘happily married’ for umpteen years. The impressionable young
homosexuals who hear these stories see it as the realization of the Cinderella legend and do what
they can to try to make it come true for themselves.... Unfortunately, far too many homosexuals
view gay life as a means of finding a lover when its function is primarily one of finding a trick!”
[The Homosexual and His Society: A View From Within, p. 29-30, emphasis theirs]
While less research has been done on lesbians, the data that exists shows that “Lesbian relationships
are likely to be more stable and lasting than those of males.” Still, “Most of the unions last three
years or less.” [Kronemeyer, op. cit., p. 41] Yvonne Zipter, a lesbian, in an article entitled “The
Disposable Lesbian Relationship,” in Chicago’s gay journal Windy City Times, notes that “the
lasting lesbian relationship” is a “mythic entity.” [Windy City Times, (December 15, 1986), p. 18]
What’s the outcome of all of this? “The cost of random and depersonalized sex, needless to say, is
loneliness.” [Kronemeyer, op. cit., p. 32]
Listen as Tennessee Williams describes his own experience: “I live from day to day attending
Group Theatre rehearsals, walking about town, eating, meeting people, falling into bed now and
then with or without an accomplice. I ache with desires that never are quite satisfied. This
promiscuity is appalling really. One-night stands. Nobody seems to care particularly for an encore.”
[Lyle Leverich, Tom: The Unknown Tennessee Williams, p. 347] “The cold and beautiful bodies of
the young! They spread themselves out like a banquet table, you dine voraciously and afterwards it
is like you had eaten nothing but air.” [Ibid., p. 424} “I shall have to go through the world giving
myself to people until somebody will take me.” [Ibid., p. 366] When Williams became a success,
his biographer writes, “While he didn’t object to paying for a one-night stand, from this point on
Tom would be darkly suspicious in trying to distinguish an extended hand of friendship and a
sweaty palm.” [Ibid., p. 568] And always he suffered the loneliness. “’I don’t think it’s sex I want,’
he wrote. ‘It is the dread of coming up alone to this little room at night. And going to bed and
turning my face to the wall.’” [Ibid., p. 477] “Late in life, he was asked to define love, and his reply
was, ‘Not being alone.’” [Ibid., p. 502]
As devastating as the loneliness that plagues many homosexuals is, there are even worse things that
await some who abandon themselves to this way of life. Listen to a homosexual reporter, the late
Randy Shilts, as he shares the story of one man. Ken Horne was a young man who moved from
Oregon to San Francisco in search of love, looking for a man he could “marry.” “When he did not
find a husband, he took the next best thing—sex—and soon sex became something of a career. It
wasn’t love but at least it felt good.... As the focus of sex shifted from passion to technique, Ken
learned all the things one could do to wring pleasure from one’s body. The sexual practices became
more and more esoteric; that was the only way to keep it from getting boring.” [And The Band
Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic, p. 46] Yet he still felt, “Life is a
disappointment.” [Idem.] What did he get from all this? Ken Horne was the first reported AIDS
case in San Francisco [Ibid., p. xiv] and “at 1 A.M. on November 30, 1981, George Kenneth
Horne, Jr., gasped one last tortured breath and lapsed into perfect darkness.” [Ibid., p. 100]
What did he give his life for? Listen as Shilts describes the homosexual scene in San Francisco.
“The gay sexual scene became progressively depersonalized. At first you’d sleep with a person,
hug all night, talk and have omelettes in the morning. Then you skipped the breakfast because just
how many omelettes can you make before it gets boring? Then you wouldn’t spend the night.
With the bathhouses, you wouldn’t even have to talk. The Glory Hole and Cornhole clubs came
into vogue next. There, you wouldn’t even have to see who you had sex with.” [Ibid., p. 58]
Nor is this unique to San Francisco or something recent. Albert Bell of the Kinsey Institute writes,
“A modal view of the white male homosexual, based on our findings, would be that of a person
reporting 1,000 or more sexual partners throughout his lifetime, most of whom were strangers prior
to their sexual meeting and with whom sexual activity occurred only once. Only a few of these
partners were persons for whom there was much care of affection or were ever seen socially
again.” [Male and Female: Christian Approaches to Sexuality edited by Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse
and Urban T. Holmes III, p. 139]
Robert Williams simply confirms what researchers have said all along: a monogamous gay
relationship is a will-o’-the-wisp. To look for it is to seek disappointment and frustration, to add to
your pain, and to risk your life!
Is it any wonder that a loving God would tell His children, “This is not the way. Do not walk in
it!”? Do not turn away from Him when He is seeking your welfare. Instead, commit yourself to
walking with Him as you build healthy relationships with Christ and with others.
For relationships with others, start with people of the same sex. As Christian psychologist Dr.
Elizabeth Moberly writes, “An attachment to the same sex is not wrong, indeed it is precisely the
right thing for meeting same-sex deficits. What is improper is the eroticisation of the friendship.”
[Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 29] Dr. Margaret White says, “Many people have a
deep love for someone of their own sex. Such relationships have had social acceptance and even
admiration, but it is when the agape of self-giving love turns into the eros of sexual gratification
that the church’s condemnation starts. It can do no other if it is to be true to both Jewish and
Christian tradition” [Op. cit., p. 21]. When your same-sex needs have been largely met, you can
then move on to relating to the other sex as God leads and, if you so choose, marriage and family.
You may be saying, “It all makes sense. I want to entrust my life to God and follow His Word, the
Bible, in all of life, including my sexuality, but I’m just not strong enough. I’d like to build healthy
friendships with others of the same sex, but I’m afraid! I just can’t get emotionally close to them.
It’s like there’s a wall in my heart that keeps them out. There’s no hope for me!”
That’s not true! There is a fellowship of men and women who have banded together to help each
other find the freedom you long for. You need not face your struggle alone. Help is available!
They can encourage you to walk with God and find the strength to overcome.
Call the number of the HA office or chapter nearest you. Plan to attend the HA Conference. We
will help in any way we can. Don’t let fear rob you of that for which you long and lock you in a
prison from which you want to be free. God bless you!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“It sounds strange to say, but the grace of God seems to present us with a dilemma.... Sinners can
find grace, but not sinners who refuse to believe God’s promises, or who hate God, or who reject
Jesus.... Rebels like ourselves can find pardon, but only if (in some sense) we are no longer rebels.
Any bum can come to this banquet, but he must be wearing his wedding clothes.” [Ron Julian,
Righteous Sinners, p. 16-17]
“Unbelief is not a misfortune to be pitied; it is a sin to be deplored. Its sinfulness lies in the fact that
it contradicts the word of the one true God and thus attributes falsehood to him.” [John R. W. Stott,
“The Letters of John,” Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, p. 185]
"Whatever it be, influence, honor, or pleasure, or anything else that thou followest, if it come
between thee and Christ, thou art a loser in seeking it." [Quaint Sermons of Samuel Rutherford
Hitherto Unpublished, p. 363]
I SURRENDER!
In March 2004, I recognized what had been true for a long time, but I had been too much in
denial to see it. I realized that my life had become totally unmanageable and started the process
of recovery.
During my first year in recovery I gave lip service to the word surrender, but it was not until July
2005, that I learned the meaning of the word.
I had thrown away everything I had learned in my first seventeen months of recovery, turned
away from God, my wife, my counselor—everyone.
I went back to my addiction for a few hours and had sex with another man. Then I turned around
a week later as a result of the terrible guilt I felt and told my counselor what I had done.
Then I told my wife. She was so upset that she had to be watched the entire weekend so that she
would not commit suicide because of the grief and betrayal she felt because of my sin. When I
finally got out of the house I drove like a wild man, going nowhere! I felt like a wild animal let
out of its cage. I saw myself as a wild stallion that did not want to be broken, but wanted to be
free to run wherever it wished and not be under the control of anyone. And then I surrendered to
God and said, “OK. You can put the saddle on me.”
Today I feel like a wild horse that has been broken. Is my surrender perfect? Imperfect people
never do anything perfectly and I confess, sadly, that every so often, I want to throw God out of
the saddle and be “free” again. But I think I’ve learned that that “freedom” is really bondage and
I know that my surrender, if imperfect, is sincere.
While my background helps explain why I made such bad choices, it does not make them either
right or good. I grew up in Detroit, Michigan. My parents were alcoholics and adulterers.
Because I was the youngest of five children, by the time I was twelve, I had no sibling at home
and was left to raise myself.
My parents would go to the bar until two a.m. while I sat in fear at home alone, until they got
back. I was afraid that someone would break into the house and kill me, because when I was ten
my brother had broken into the house and my dad almost stabbed him with a knife. My mom had
a lover and my dad left my mom for another woman, only to come back to her and us kids.
When I was five, my fifteen-year-old sister forced me to have sex with her when I got up in the
middle of the night to go to the bathroom. As she grabbed me and pulled down my pants, I felt
very afraid and helpless and wanted to run away.
The next morning I woke up to find I had wet the bed. From that moment on I shut down my
emotions and lived in fear of going to the bathroom until I was ten. I was angry with my parents
because they made no effort to find out why I wet the bed. My grandmother would verbally
abuse me for wetting the bed at night and I lived in fear of her. I was so traumatized by the rape
that I completely blocked it out of consciousness until a year ago when I was 54. At last I had the
key to many of my childhood fears and my bed-wetting!
When I was eight, the boy next door exposed himself to me. I remember standing there in shock
as he called me into the bathroom. He wanted me to sleep with him that night and I remember
begging mom to let me sleep on the couch instead. I was terrified and felt alone. When I was ten
I started to masturbate. That felt good and brought some comfort for the pain inside—a pain I
could not identify or understand or even acknowledge.
I first became aware of homosexual feelings when I was twelve. I would fantasize that the man
on TV who hosted the children’s program was my father.
When I was fourteen, a female high school teacher tried to seduce me because her husband was
impotent. At 16, my brother’s buddy, who was twenty-two, attempted to sodomize me. While he
did not succeed, I was very scared and afterward went downstairs and just sat in dead silence,
watching TV with my brother. I just shut my feelings down totally. I never told anyone what had
happened until three years ago on Thanksgiving. Then I told my brother what his friend had tried
to do to me. He just shrugged and said he’d thought the guy might have been gay. I wanted to
slug him! I felt victimized all over again.
When I was twenty-two, I had sex with my roommate the day before I got out of the US Air
Force. I felt sick inside and wanted to commit suicide but was too afraid to carry the thought
through.
I went to college and met my future wife in Munich, Germany, where we were both studying
German. After I graduated, I went to grad school to get an international MBA. A year later I got
married.
At first, things were fine. Our sex life was great! Then, four years later, we started to have
children. After our second child, my wife went into a depression with frightening anger. She
would call me at work and threaten to kill the children and herself.
Her counselor told me she would not do that because she loved her children too much, but I was
still afraid and again shut down emotion-ally. This only served to increase my wife’s anger at
me. I noticed that I was attracted to a manager where I worked but just stuffed the feelings and
moved to Detroit where I grew up. But the attractions toward men continued to grow stronger.
I went back to graduate school when I was thirty-nine and found that there was no question that I
was lusting after men. One night an engineering manager called me at nine p.m. and offered to
come over and give me oral sex. I was shocked! I could not believe my ears! I began to shake!
My wife asked if I was OK and I said I was fine. The next day this man gave me a disk with a
woman giving oral sex to a man.
I tried to open up to a man I knew at church but got scared and did not open up. I started calling
the gay hotline to find out where gay bars were in Detroit and one night, after a big argument
with my wife, I went to a gay bar for the first time in my life. I was thirty-nine years old.
I acted out with a man on the way back home from a business trip the next year. The experience
was disappointing and the guilt drove me to tell my wife and my church. The church treated me
like a reprobate, and my wife and children were treated like lepers. My wife was so hurt that she
came after me with a butcher knife one night and I had to run from the house for my life.
Three months after this first sexual encounter with another man, I was sent to Germany for four
months on my job. At first all went well, but, after a few weeks of loneliness, I started going to
gay bars in Germany and met a German man with whom I had sex. It seemed to “fix” me and I
found I could not stop acting out, no matter how hard I tried. I had one one-night stand after
another. I lived a double life from then on. I did not tell my wife or anyone else what was
happening this time.
This went on for fourteen years until I did something I would never have thought I would do in a
million years! In March 2004, I hit on a colleague at work. I tried to touch him sexually in the
men’s bathroom. He reported it, and I was fired.
That night I went home and had to tell my wife I had lost my job, and why. She was shocked
because she thought I had dealt with all this years ago. I immediately went to a therapist who
helped men find freedom from homosexuality every week, started attending a support group
twice a week, and went to a recovery retreat for a weekend.
Shortly after this I got a call from a detective about my attempt to hit on my co-worker and
immediately got an attorney. I found myself before a judge in May 2004, and got one year
probation. Because I was already going to a therapist and support group, the court did not make
me go to a state therapist and state group.
Unfortunately, from March 2004, to July 2005, I just white-knuckled my recovery. Though I
thought I was working the program because I did not act out during that time, my lust and my
anger were not dealt with.
Thus, in anger, I acted out again in July 2005. I told my therapist two days after the incident and
he told me I had to tell my wife. I told her that Friday, and packed my bags to leave, but she went
into a rage and stopped me, telling me she was planning to commit suicide. My therapist told me
to keep on eye on her and call 911 if she tried to follow through on ending her life.
Late Saturday afternoon she told me to get out and that she would be all right. It was then that I
drove like a crazy man feeling like that wild animal. My counselor called me while I was
driving. I told him how I felt. I also told him and God that I now surrender. I am willing to let
God ride this broken horse.
Yes, I am still such a fool that I want to buck every so often and tell God I want my “freedom”
back. But thanks to God’s grace, a good counselor, the support I receive from Homosexuals
Anonymous and Sexaholics Anonymous, I have found hope and am finding healing!
--W. E.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see.” [William Newton Clark in Inspiring
Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p. 67]
IN GOD’S GOOD TIME!
Unfortunately, there are a number of folk who started working on recovery, thought they had all
they needed, and left recovery only to become trapped again in the old way of life. What went
wrong?
It’s easy to blame the victims, saying, “They must not have been sincere.” The fact that some are
asking for help belies that excuse in their case. We need to consider the Bible’s warning against
healing “the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; where there is no
peace” (Jeremiah 6:14). We need to beware the “quick fix”! We have become too used to minute
rice and instant pudding! There is no such thing as instant recovery from any compulsive, addictive
behavior—not for us, not for anyone, unless God chooses to do the extraordinary, to work a
miracle!
Early on, the HA workbook warns, “We all have differing struggles and recover on different
schedules. Some of us are acting out. All have problems with thoughts. Some are out of control.
Others gain and lose command of themselves several times as they work the Steps. Recovery
begins for some with a certain Step, while it may not come for others until all the Steps have been
worked. Healing may be sudden or (as it usually is) gradual. We are all unique.
“We must be patient with ourselves and each other, and trust God to heal us in the way best for
each one. In all our struggles, we must not allow guilt, pain, confusion, or despair to overwhelm
and isolate us from God or others. If we turn to God, He will forgive us. He will not abandon us
but will stand with us in all our battles, till freedom is ours!” [Lord, Set Me Free: A Workbook on
the 14 Steps, p. 53] If we have stumbled and fallen, let us pick ourselves up and fight again till
victory is ours and we hear God’s “well-done”!
As we return to the battle, let us remember that there are things over which we have some control.
Let us ask whether or not we were diligent in working our program. Did we faithfully go to our
HA meetings? Did we complete the HA workbook—not just filling in the Scripture passages, but
getting a step coach, doing the reading suggested, journaling, doing the assignments—all of them?
Did we seek counseling, if indicated? Did we concentrate on recovery or scatter our energies in a
dozen different directions, pursuing a host of competing goals? If the honest answer to any of these
questions is no, let us fight the good fight more wisely so we may enjoy the victory Christ has for
us.
We need to face the fact, however, that there are things over which we have no control. Some of us
were wounded more deeply by family dysfunction than others, and deep wounds need more time to
heal than do superficial ones.
Some of us are struggling with more than one issue and must resolve other problems blocking our
heterosexual development. I know a man who began seeking freedom in HA for several years, to
no avail. Then he got involved in a very destructive homosexual relationship. His uncle, a manicdepressive, committed suicide. My friend, recognizing symptoms that had plagued his uncle in
himself, sought medical help and, with medication, found emotional stability. This enabled him to
end the homosexual relationship he’d been in, get back in HA, and in months, strong heterosexual
feelings began to surface.
For some, Borderline Personality Disorder may be a problem. “Sexual orientation is...a part of the
borderline’s role confusion. ...Some researchers estimate a significantly increased rate of
homosexuality, bisexuality and sexual perversions among borderlines. Homosexuality in the
borderline may originate early in childhood, resulting from a number of possible factors: lack of
role models, sexual assaults, an insatiable need for affection and attention, discomfort with one’s
own body, and inconsistent sexual information.” [Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., and Hal Straus, I Hate
You–Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality, p. 74] “Usually, the borderline
requires years of therapy, in order to achieve substantive changes in functioning.” [Ibid., p. 126]
Persons with Borderline Personality Disorder are not the only ones for whom sexual assault may
cause sexual confusion. In his book, Child Sexual Abuse, David Finkelhor noted that boys who
were victimized by older men were four times more likely to engage in homosexual activity when
adult, than non-victims. [Child Sexual Abuse, p. 195] Sexual abuse issues are not easy to resolve.
Dan Allender notes, “Many abuse victims feel their progress of change is taking too long. The
assumption is that if God is involved, then the process will be brief and not too messy. If that were
true, then why did God take forty years to teach Moses humility and leadership skills in the sheep
fields of Midian? Deep healing, supernatural change, may take years of struggle, trial and error
learning, and growing in strength to make the next significant move of faith.” [The Wounded
Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse, p. 274] In this connection, it is
important to remember that experts on child abuse indicate that many victims (more that 70
percent) “have significantly or completely blocked the memory of it.” [Rich Buhler, Pain and
Pretending, p. 124]
Thus, there are many reasons why freedom comes slowly for some. Further, there is evidence that
the longer one works at recovery, the greater the chances of success. One study which reviewed the
work of 77 psychoanalysts working with 106 male homosexuals, many of whom were not seeking
freedom, found that only 7 percent of the patients whose analyses were of fewer than 150 hours
became heterosexual; 23 percent of the patients whose analyses were of 150 to 349 hours became
heterosexual; while 47 percent of those who had 350 or more therapeutic sessions achieved the
shift to heterosexuality. “These statistics are not necessarily final since 26 H-patients who had not
become heterosexual were still in analysis at the time of the last follow-up report. Some patients in
this group may yet become heterosexual as a result of continuing treatment. All such additional
‘terminated heterosexual’ cases would necessarily fall into the ‘more than 350 hours’ category and
the 47 per cent rate for this category would rise.” [Irving Bieber et al, Homosexuality: A
Psychoanalytic Study, p. 278]
This last figure is especially encouraging when one remembers that “in 1967 the American
Psychoanalytic Association released their finding of long-term sociologic and statistical study of
the results of treatment by psychoanalysis and analytic psychotherapy. While 97% of the patients
were judged by their therapists to have improved in total functioning, and a similar number of
patients agreed, the over all rate of symptom cure was only twenty-seven per cent.” [Karl Lewin,
Brief Encounters, Brief Psychotherapy, p. 250]
This means that people seeking freedom from homosexuality have more hope of recovery than
those in therapy for a number of other conditions—if they work diligently and patiently at
recovery, have a good support group, a skilled therapist, and persevere! As the Bible says, “Ye
have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise”
(Hebrews 10:36).
This is why Step 7 urges us to be confident that “our new unseen identity will “become visible to
us in God’s good time.” We set no arbitrary limits on what that time is. No one should feel any
sense of failure so long as he or she is working the program honestly and faithfully. If you are
doing your part, the rest is in God’s hands. He will set you free as you discover and work through
the problems that have kept you bound. As you walk by faith, HA offers you support as long as it
is needed without any pressure to conform to someone else’s timetable.
God is faithful! We are here for you. You are not alone. Keep trusting! Keep growing! Never give
in! God will bless!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"...Poor bits of needy creatures that fall in love with the world and the things thereof, that are so...
empty, come here and fall in love with Christ who can furnish you all things whereof you stand in
need." [Quaint Sermons of Samuel Rutherford Hitherto Unpublished, p. 380]
“Do not pray for more of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity and is not
in pieces. Every child of God has all of Him, but does He have all of us?” [Julia Kellersberger,
Presbyterian Journal, (May 11, 1983)]
"You will be dead so long as you refuse to die." [George MacDonald, Lilith in The Plough Reader,
(Autumn 2001), p. 52]
"Belief in absolutes is out of fashion in the West; relativism and pluralism have become 'politically
correct' pollutions of the cultural air we breathe, and any affirmation of what purports to be
universal truth is thought of as bad manners, if not worse." [J. I. Packer, A Passion for Faithfulness,
p. 183]
"Dear God, I have a problem...it's me."
"Dear Child, I have the answer... it's Me."
[Awakening, (June 1999), p. 4]
"If we wish to say what faith is, then we must put all emphasis upon its object. For faith has to do
not with itself, but with Christ." [G. C. Berkouwer, Justification and Faith, p. 175]
"Thomas Edison discovered 3,032 ways NOT to invent the light bulb before reaching his goal. The
key, therefore, is to keep going. Just pick himself up and try another way." [Richard Cohen, Coming
Out Straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality, p. xii-xiii]
THE GOOD BUT DIFFICULT FIGHT OF FAITH!
It’s cool and drippy wet out there right now; the sky is overcast and dreary gray. The bright
sunshine is hidden. I can’t see through the clouds. I know the sun is there but all I can see is the
bottom side of a thick blanket of clouds. I could see the sun yesterday! The spring colors were
spectacular in the beautiful late afternoon sunshine. Now everything is dreary.
I know God sends rain to make things grow, to bring out the vibrant colors, to make things clean
and fresh again. But I look out of my window and view the dreary world, devoid of feeling, just
existing. I’m waiting for a change in the weather, knowing it will come by and by, but feeling this
dreary weather will never pass.
This is like my struggle with homosexuality. I feel dreary, drippy wet, and hopeless. I know the
power and glory of God is shining out there somewhere, but I can’t see it, and I don’t feel it; I only
feel the cold and dampness creeping deeper and deeper into my life.
Objectively, there are signs of progress in my struggle. I know there is growth. Somewhere, in one
of my yesterdays, I saw it in all its splendor and glory. But just as this dreary weather has muted the
fresh and lovely greens springing up all around, my victories and growth seem muted also—muted
and far away. Life seems dark. I am tempted to lose hope.
I know God is with me in the struggle. I know hard struggle is sometimes necessary in life and in
recovery. But I’d like to see a thunderstorm—a spectacular miracle in my life—I’d like to be healed
quickly and go on with my life. But what good would I be to God or anyone else? Struggle is
needful to get the water of life down to my tender root tips, the very being of my life, so that the
water of life can flow freely through me to whomever God brings across my path.
When I look through the window into my life, I see a long, hard struggle. It seems to last forever.
My growth seems small, fragile, insignificant. But this slow drippy weather in my life is God’s way
of bringing growth in me, bringing out my vibrant colors, making me clean and fresh again, bring
freedom from homosexuality.
Now I can only see the dreary, drippy rain; but by faith I know God will send His sunshine by and
by. Then I’ll stand in the middle of a lovely rainbow—completely surrounded by His love and
glory.
--David P.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Faith is the wedding ring with which we have pledged ourselves to Christ." [Martin Luther's Little
Instruction Book, p. 47]
“Faith is engaging in the deepest joy of heaven, knowing His unfathomable love for me as I walk
through the thorny desolate now.” [Pamela Reeve, Faith Is in Charles Swindoll, The Tale of the
Tardy Oxcart And 1,501 Other Stories, p. 197]
WILL YOU BE COMMITTED?
It’s been nine years since I began working HA’s recovery program and I cannot tell you the joy
I’ve found in Christ’s new life of freedom
One lesson I’ve learned in these years that has been central to my recovery is the lesson of
commitment. Learning to do God’s will no matter what I felt like has been one important key to
my becoming the man He designed me to be.
I’ve always loved to sing. I was a non-step record around the house when I was growing up. I
sang so much that my siblings would tell me to shut up! I would have liked encouragement, but I
took their response as rejection and feared I could not sing well.
In school, I loved music but wouldn’t sing because, having a strong voice, I was afraid someone
would either say I had a good voice or a bad one and I couldn’t face either response so I kept my
mouth shut and my gift was never recognized. I only sang in what I thought of as a safe place—
in my home, my car—anywhere people were not around. For a long time I wouldn’t even sing in
my seat at church.
Finally I began to sing in my seat at church and no one said anything. I began to feel freer to let
my voice out.
I moved to a larger church with beautiful, contemporary music. I loved it! I sang out and one day
a lady behind me asked me if I would be interested in joining a group and sing tenor. I agreed
and began attending practices faithfully. I often felt like an outsider. I thought about leaving
because I felt unwanted. This was not because anyone treated me badly. It was my old abuse
issues from childhood resurfacing. It was all in my head!
I sought counsel from John J. and he kept after me to keep on trying. I didn’t give up. I kept my
commitments! I sang in the Christmas Choir, the Praise Team, solos, and always in my seat at
church. All during this time I had to fight my feelings.
One day a man approached me in church and asked if I would be interested in singing a song
with three other men. I agreed and found that I felt as if I belonged right away. They wanted me!
That felt so good!
The quartet continued and I look forward to our Monday night practices. I enjoy their fellowship
as much as I do the music.
I am so happy that God has used my love of music to help in my healing. He is using my gift to
minister to the congregation and in return it ministers to me and brings praise and honor to God.
What gifts has God given you? Are you allowing Him to use them in your healing—to bring you
into contact with Christian men and women who can help meet the unmet needs of your
childhood?
Don’t allow the enemy of your soul to frighten you with feelings of being an outsider, of not
belonging, of not being wanted! Make a commitment to serve God with your gifts and keep it! If
you’re like me, it won’t be easy, but it will, in time, pay rich rewards!
--Joseph C.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Faith hath a light for its feet, but not to its eyes. Full vision swallows up faith in heaven; and the
more vision we have on earth, the less we act by faith. Believers have not a clear sight, but they
have a sure guide. Wicked men would be thought to see much, but their sight leads them out of the
true way, or into the wilderness, where there is no way but that of sin, nor end but that of sorrow.”
[Joseph Caryl, Bible Thoughts, p. 182]
"The golden rule for understanding spiritually is not intellect, but obedience. Spiritual darkness
comes because of something I do not intend to obey. Watch the things you shrug your shoulders
over, and you will know why you do not go on spiritually." [Oswald Chambers in Pulpit Helps,
(July 1999), p. 22]
"The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial but not as an end in itself. We are told to deny
ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every
description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. Indeed, if we
consider the unblushing promises of regard and the staggering nature of rewards promised in the
Gospels it would seem that our Lord finds our desire not too strong, but too weak. We are halfhearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us,
like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine
what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased." [C. S. Lewis, The
Weight of Glory and Other Addresses, p. 1-2]
"To preach Christ without the cross is to betray Him with a kiss." [Charles Stanley in Strategies for
Today's Leader, (Summer 1998), p. 5]
"The life that halts short of the cross is but a fugitive and condemned thing, doomed at last to be lost
beyond recovery." [A. W. Tozer, The Divine Conquest, p. 62]
"For the best part of two centuries, forms of the intellectual chameleon called liberalism... have
dominated the mainline churches of the West. The taproot of modernist liberalism is the idea,
issuing from the so-called Enlightenment, that the world has the wisdom, so that the Christian way
must always be to absorb and adjust to what the world happens to be saying at the moment about
human life.... It is no wonder, then, that liberalism typically produces, not martyrs, nor challengers
of the secular status quo, but trimmers, people who are always finding reasons for going along with
the cultural consensus of the moment, whether on abortion, sexual permissiveness, the basic identity
of all religions, the impropriety of evangelism and missionary work, or anything else." [J. I. Packer,
A Passion for Faithfulness, p. 42-43]
"The trouble is, people who don't know what the Bible says, say they cannot believe it." [D. L.
Moody in Pulpit Helps, (March 2000), p. 16]
THE PROBLEM OF FAITH!
If thou couldst empty all thyself of self,
Like a shell disinhabited,
Then might He find thee on the ocean shelf,
And say, "This is not dead,"
And fill thee with Himself, instead.
But thou art all replete with very thou,
And hast such shrewd activity
That when He comes He says, "This is now
Unto itself—'twere better let it be,
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me."
--Thomas Browne Contributed by Eugenio H.
POINTS TO PONDER
"We all want progress. But...if you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and
walking back to the right road; and in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most
progressive." [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 24]
"False teaching may add to or take away from the truth. Medicine becomes useless either if it has
poisonous substances added to it, or if essential ingredients are left out.... The Pharisees added
human traditions to God's revelation: The Sadducees subtracted belief in resurrection and angels."
[Michael Griffiths, Timothy and Titus, p. 34]
"This is an intensely religious nation, but people don't want the church saying anything about their
wallets or their bedrooms. We want 'God lite.' Everybody believes in God, in religious experiences,
in life after death, and in justice. Nobody believes it has anything to do with the nuts and bolts of
our lives." [Terry Mattingly quoted in Christian Research Journal, (Summer 1995) cited in Current
Thoughts & Trends, (January 1996), p. 6]
"It is better to be divided by truth than to be united in error. It is better to speak the truth that hurts
and then heals, than falsehood that comforts and then kills. It is not love and it is not friendship if
we fail to declare the whole counsel of God. It is better to be hated for telling the truth than to be
loved for telling a lie.... It is better to stand alone with the truth than to be wrong with a multitude.
It's better to ultimately succeed with the truth than to temporarily succeed with a lie." [Pastor Adrian
Rogers in The Berean Call, (December 1996), p. 3]
"Everyone who comes to know Jesus stumbles because of him. He fails to meet our wrong
expectations. He calls us to do impossible things or to become something we think we could never
become. This is his way of teaching us how much we need him. He breaks us to pieces so that he
can put us back together in his image." [Michael Card, contributed by Robin Z., Thaxton, VA]
"Wearing a cross cannot take the place of bearing a cross." [Pulpit Helps, (April 2000), p. 17]
THE POETS' CORNER
I'm Coming, Dear Jesus!
I may be slow in coming,
I may not know the way,
I have not strength to travel,
I know my will is weak.
But...
Jesus knows the proper pace,
Jesus knows the way,
Jesus shares His strength with me,
Jesus draws my will to His!
--David P.
You Said There'd Come a Day
These illusions in my head
will pass away in time,
You said there'd come a day!
Help me to believe
that real love can be mine,
You said there'd come a day!
Since true love is my destiny,
I'm where I need to be,
You said there'd come a day!
This world has done me grievous harm,
It will not always win,
You said there'd come a day!
This life has been so painful,
Praise God, it won't be long,
You said there'd come a day!
That day is close, yet seems so far,
Your promises are true,
I know our day will come!
--Anthony P.
BEACHED AT LOW TIDE
A poem inspired by the words of G. Boehm.
beached at low tide
baking in the sun
with blistering back
only makes me dream
of rolling waves
salty gales
and cloudless sky
to be transported
over leagues of schools
of predator and prey
and arrive at port
your longed for haven
to know you're home
and see your love
there are days and hours
months and years
when barnacles are scoured
it's preparation for the trek
the journey told in tome
where the jeweled ivory gates
stand open and at rest
calling all who'll hear
--Howard D.
POINTS TO PONDER
"Rabbi Joseph Gelberman used to be Orthodox and now he is Reform, of sorts. Once a year in his
Interfath Temple in Manhattan, on Valentine's Day, he does marriages free. All year round he
declares that he is prepared to marry anyone—Jew, Christian, Hindu, gay, straight, believer,
nonbeliever. The very genial rabbi says, 'I'm not here to please God. I'm here to please God's
people.' As Aaron explained to Moses about the calf." (see Exodus 32) [Richard John Neuhaus, The
Best of the Public Square, p. 64]
"Our age is often described as 'permissive.' More accurately, it is 'transgressive.' 'It is forbidden to
forbid' is the rallying cry and way of life of many of our fellow citizens." [Os Guinness,
"Introduction," Character Counts, p. 18]
"God grants liberty only to those who love it..." [Daniel Webster in Irving Stone, "Those Who
Love," Reader's Digest Condensed Books, p. 7]
IN GOD'S GOOD TIME!
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried,
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is You hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.
My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
"I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--but you wouldn't know Me.
"You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see;
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove.
"You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start)
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart,
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an Infinite God, who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your future overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"
(Anonymous) Contributed by Gary Y.
POINTS TO PONDER
“One way to define spiritual life is getting so tired and fed up with yourself that you go on to
something better, which is following Jesus.” [Eugene Peterson quoted in Mark Galli, “Spirituality
for All the Wrong Reasons,” Christianity Today, (March 2005), p. 45]
"Truth is slain to provide a feast to celebrate the marriage of heaven and hell, and to support a
concept of unity which has no basis in the Word of God. The Spirit-illuminated church will have
none of this. In a fallen world like ours unity is no treasure to be purchased at the price of
compromise. Loyalty to God, faithfulness to truth, and the preservation of a good conscience are
jewels more precious than gold. The religious camp followers of meaningless unity have not the
courage to stand against current vogues and bleat for brotherhood because it happens to be for the
time popular." [A. W. Tozer in Milk & Honey, (November 1996), p. 2]
"At various times, Jesus publicly denounced sinners as snakes, dogs, foxes, hypocrites, fouled
tombs, and dirty dishes. So that His hearers would not miss the point, He sometimes referred to the
objects of His most intense ridicule both by name and by position, and often face to face. Christ did
not affirm sinners; He affirmed the repentant. He well understood that sometimes it is wrong to be
nice." [Michael Bauman quoted in Tabletalk, (June 1996), p. 58]
"...Men find Ways to persuade themselves to believe any Absurdity, to submit to any Prostitution,
rather than forego their Wishes and Desires. Their Reason becomes at last an eloquent Advocate on
the Side of their Passions and (they) bring themselves to believe that black is white, that Vice is
Virtue, that Folly is Wisdom and Eternity a Moment." [John Adams in Paul C. Nagel, Descent from
Glory, p. 15-16]
"Happy is he who makes daily progress and who considers not what he did yesterday, but what
advance he can make today." [Jerome in The Golden Treasury of Patristic Quotations, p. 124]
"The road to victory may not be so long as we expect. But we have no right to count upon this. Be it
long or short, rough or smooth, we mean to reach our journey's end." [Churchill on Courage, p. 62]
"Some folks are like a skyrocket. They make a noisy git away, burst an' are never heard of agin."
[The Best of Kin Hubbard, p. 104]
ONE STEP MORE
A hill is not too hard to climb
Taken one step at a time.
One step is not too much to take,
One try is not too much to make.
One step, one try, one song, one smile
Will shortly stretch into a mile.
And everything worthwhile was done
By small steps taken one by one,
To reach the goal you started for,
Take one step more...take one step more.
[James Dilet Freeman]
“WE CHOOSE...
We choose how we shall live;
courageously or in cowardice,
honorably or dishonorably,
with purpose of in drift.
We decide what is important
and what is trivial in life.
We decide that what makes us significant
is either what we do or refuse to do...
WE DECIDE.
WE CHOOSE.
And as we decide and as we choose,
so our lives are formed...”
[Unknown quoted in The Best of Barbara Johnson, p. 214]
POINTS TO PONDER
“There are two main human sins from which all others derive: Impatience and indolence.” [Franz
Kafka quoted in Tim Alan Gardner, The Naked Soul, p. 97]
“We are all naturally impatient in the day of trial.... We forget that Christ is too wise a Physician to
make any mistakes.... The highest degree of faith is to be able to wait, sit still, and not complain....
The hand that was nailed to the cross is too wise and loving...to keep us waiting for relief without a
cause.” [J. C. Ryle, “John” II, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, p. 50-51]
“We are too Christian really to enjoy sinning, and too fond of sinning really to enjoy Christianity.
Most of us know perfectly well what we ought to do; our trouble is that we do not want to do it.”
[Peter Marshall quoted in Powerful Thinking for Power Living, p. 277]
“Faith is trusting in Christ; repentance is turning from sin. They are two sides of the coin of
belonging to Jesus.” [Sinclair B. Ferguson, The Grace of Repentance, p. 17]
Step 8
As forgiven people,
free from condemnation,
we made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves,
determined to root out
fear, hidden hostility and
contempt for the world.
A DIALOGUE OF DEMONS
(With apologies to C. S. Lewis)
My dear Wormwood:
What a pleasure to learn you have been entrusted with the care and nurture of a homosexual
subject! Having a patent that is so easily bound tightly to our ways is always a unique joy. Do
not overly concern yourself with the news of his commitment to the Enemy. Most of our “gay”
clientele have made similar commitments at one time. Though we cannot determine their eternal
destiny at this point, we can be fairly sure that with a little effort we can keep them tied to us and
totally useless in the Enemy’s work.
Since I have for centuries been considered somewhat of an expert in this field of work, allow me
to give you some guidelines that I am sure will help you do your task with the least effort and
maximum results. Oh, my most fortunate nephew. Memorize and apply these, and the rewards of
your labor will be most fruitful.
First, confuse him. His mind, and especially his emotions are heavily on our side. Confuse his
identity. Worry him sick trying to decide if he’s gay, ex-gay, straight or whatever distracting
category you can invent. Keep him, at all costs, from taking this “child of God” (pardon my
three-letter word ... I only use it in quote) nonsense as his identity. And especially keep him from
understanding and applying that dratted Matthew 6:33: “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and
His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” If he ever grasps and lives out
that verse, all your efforts will be of little use. Be sure, dear nephew, to keep his distracted by
adding confusing questions to his fertile imagination, such as: (1) Why do I still feel gay? (2)
Why doesn’t God deliver me now? (3) Why did this happen to me? etc. “Why?” “What if?”
“What about?” will prove powerfully conducive to self-pity, a favorite mood we can make good
use of, if whispered often enough!
Next, make him afraid. It doesn’t really matter of what; just any little fear will do, and the more
fears the better. Make him afraid of the Enemy he calls “Father”. Father, bah! During his times
of depression, blind him to the Enemy’s “love.” Warp his thinking. Tell him that a God of love
wouldn’t allow his trials. Put a grim picture of a cruel taskmaster, a tyrannical sadist, a sort of
cosmic policeman with no mercy in his mind. Cause him to view the Enemy as One Who only
blesses to enjoy taking the treasure away, causing pain. Your patient has made a career of
shielding himself from pain in the past. These ideas may cause him to flinch every time the
Enemy reaches out to embrace and bless him
You can also use that Bible of his during depressions. He loves to flop the Bible open anywhere,
stab his finger, and play a kind of scripture roulette for guidance. Well and good. Just make sure
he hits all the verses on judgment, wrath, and divine retribution. Keep him away from all
references to the mercy, love, peace, and blessings that comfort those who belong to the Enemy.
Keep him forever tied in knots worrying about whether he’s really “saved” or not. Give him
fearful thoughts of our domain of eternal torture. Get him to worry about whether or not he’s
committed the unpardonable sin. Let him hear some of our teachers who claim to serve the
Enemy preach on “Why God hates homos” and “Gays are reprobate.” Use them to reinforce his
fears. These anxieties will insure his ultimate failure and our success. At all costs, keep his eyes
off that awful Calvary!
If this fails, permeate him with fear of us. Use some of the Enemy’s misguided helpers who look
for us under every rock to help you. While he’s obsessed with us, his eyes are off his “Master”
and we can systematically exploit his weak points. It will be especially profitable if you can get
your patient to blame all his problems and failings on us. What a splendid strategy!
Since, as I mentioned, your patient is highly emotional, we can reasonably assume he is
somewhat undisciplined also. Use this to keep him from praying. Tell him there’s no sense
praying when he doesn’t feel anything. He knows little or nothing of perseverance in the face of
adversity. When he “feels tired” or “feels empty” it will just prove to him that it’s no use to pray,
that there must be something wrong with him. Attack him every time he kneels to pray. Never let
him realize that it is only when he is directing his life toward relationship with the Enemy that
we even bother to attack. Never let him suspect that it is the very posture of prayer that
automatically triggers our onslaught.
That wretched Bible he has will only be a threat if he disciplines himself to read it regularly.
Here again his emotions will serve us: “I feel too tired to read”; “I’m not getting anything out of
it”; and “It doesn’t make sense” are basically excuses. Well and good for us. It’s unlikely he’s
done more than scan a few lines carelessly. What a fool! He doesn’t even suspect that the
Enemy’s life is being imparted to him by reading that book. As long as he treats it like a rather
dull Nancy Drew mystery, we can rest easy.
And that nasty habit the Enemy calls “fellowshipping”—stop that immediately! He’s already
prone to bitterness, blame shifting, and resentment; just put those to work. Get him to think
people don’t care, even when they do. Inspire unreasonable expectations of how others should
treat him, and, when they fail, get him to blame them for “being hypocrites” and “not accepting
me”. Before you know it (how marvelous!) he will have cut himself off from everyone in his
faith realm, leaving him open for us to ravage and devour! He’ll undoubtedly return to his old
friends. Discourage all prayers on his behalf by his little friends who will try to get him back.
Tell them, “Why pray? He chose that life. He never was right with God anyway. God can’t make
him change.” How these little creatures underestimate prayer power! Great!
Never underestimate the power of using his emotions. As long as his life revolves around what
he feels rather than what the Enemy says, we have him by the nose. If he ever really begins
believing what the Enemy has said, we’ve not only lost him, he could be a potential hazard to our
other patients around him.
Get him to sacrifice everything of eternal value and significance on the altar of temporary
satisfaction and personal pleasure. The “Santa Claus Christ” of so many churches should be a big
help to you. As long as his ideal is an easy road, flowers-and-fields-forever faith, and he stays
totally ignorant of cross-bearing, suffering, and desert experiences which do so much to promote
his growth and our doom, we can perpetuate an exquisite frustration, self-condemnation, and
self-hatred because of his failure to live up to his unreal and unreasonable theology.
Here are some more thoughts that may help you keep your homosexual subject tied to us.
He was once overheard saying, “God, if you don’t deliver me now, I’m through! Although he
has repented of his hasty words, he’s still open to our suggestions along that line. Make strong
and persistent suggestions like this: “If Jesus gives abundant life, why am I so miserable?” “If
God really loved me, He wouldn’t let these trials happen!” Your patient seems to be an easy prey
for such lines of reasoning. He knows nothing of the value of time and testing. He wants
everything right now. He’ll be easy to tempt with our sense-pleasers and temporary painkillers.
This life is only eternity’s dressing room; never let him know this. We know that even the most
acute earthly suffering is only a fragment, a flash of eternity. We know that earthly suffering for
the Enemy is followed by everlasting pleasures and rewards. He must not recognize this and it
shouldn’t be difficult to blind him to it because he’s so conditioned to respond to only the
moment’s pleasure. That will make it easy for us to insure his ignorance of that damnable truth
that only time-tested, fire-tried servants of the Enemy are of any worth at all, and that those who
survive the hottest first will one day shimmer in the crown of that One who bought them with
His blood.
We have so much going for us, my dear Wormwood. The loud voice of some gays seems to be
effectively drowning out the voice of the Enemy to the Church and to your patient. We even
have churches presenting an easy out of the Enemy’s “discipleship plan.” And how it warms my
heart, dear Wormwood, to see how many churches there are who are helping us make sure our
little gay victims stay on the wide road that leads to destruction by their apathy and pride. Keep
promoting their ignorance. Stir up their anger and fear. Never cease to encourage their selfrighteousness and lack of concern for these creatures we hold so tightly. Fight with all your
Satanically gifted ability any sign of compassion, truth, or gospel outreach to them. Give them a
thousand excuses for their disobedience to the Enemy’s clear directions in the Scripture and then
show your patient that “gays” are not the only ones who disregard the Bible’s teaching and that
they can follow the example of these “good Christians” and disobey the Enemy with impunity!
Thus we may gather into our harvest both your patient and many church members who are quite
sure they are bound for heaven despite their lack of love for their neighbors!
One final word, Nephew, unpleasant as it is. Somehow a motley bunch of losers, through the
Enemy’s direction and the care of some of His servants, have not only gotten out of our clutches,
but are actively working to get others away from us also. We must oppose them with every
weapon at our disposal! I’ve done my homework and have several suggestions to isolate these
turncoats and nullify their efforts to free others from the bondage in which we keep them.
Fight churches that try to support them. That should be easy since there are so many other more
“attractive” causes clamoring for support and we can always raise up a cadre of people within a
church to oppose supporting healing for homosexuals and urge the church to stop doing so but to
help others. You know how we love to divide and conquer!
Keep churches that do not now support them from doing so. This should be easy. Not many care
to identify with such a “risky, threatening and costly” ministry.
Play up relapses. Blind churches to the number of their own members and even officers who we
have ensnared for a time; get them to ignore the number of times recovered alcoholics and drug
addicts slipped before they got victory over us; take Christians’ eyes off their failures in their
struggle with sins that trouble them. Just keep pounding into their thick heads, “That kind can
never change!” As you do this you will have the joy of not only discouraging them from helping
homosexuals recover, but of weakening their faith in the power of the Enemy to over-come sin!
If you keep that up long enough, they may give up faith in the Gospel altogether and let words
like “born again” disappear from their preaching and faith.
Keep those who are finding freedom from homosexuality locked in a dungeon of shame to insure
they tell no one what the Enemy has done for them and make no efforts to reclaim others from
our hold. The fewer who escape from the captivity in which we have held them or who share a
testimony to the Enemy’s salvation, the less chance there is of the Church assuming its
responsibility to carry the gospel to every creature and our losing more slaves!
These are the ways we can seek to thwart the Enemy’s purposes to deliver captives and set at
liberty the broken in heart. Never grow weary, my dear Wormwood, never lose heart. We have
so many allies and so much going for us that it would take a miracle for us to fail.
Ah, there’s the rub. The Enemy can always step in and revive His Church and deliver His people.
Whenever He does so, it marks the beginning of our end. So fight while we can with all the
powers of hell at your disposal. We will have some victims to show for our efforts. Do not be
discouraged. We are working in good times now! Let us “make hay while the sun shines” as
those fools say. May Lucifer help us if ever these people who call Christ Lord really mean it!
Your affectionate Uncle,
SCREWTAPE
[Author unknown. Adapted from Eagle Ministry Talons, South Lake Tahoe, California]
POINTS TO PONDER
“Whenever we find that our religious life is making us feel that we are good—above all, that we
are better than someone else—I think we may be sure that we are being acted on, not by God, but
by the devil. The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget yourself
altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether.”
[C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 105]
"'I've had a few arguments with people,' comedian Buddy Hackett once confessed, 'but I never carry
a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing." [Soundings, (Vol.
D, No. 1), p. 22]
"God has made us to be givers. It isn't something we have to do in order to please him so much as
it's something we need to do to keep ourselves working properly. We are healthy and whole when
we are both giving and receiving." [Daniel Taylor from Robin Z., Roanoke, VA]
"The test of love is not feeling or speaking, but obeying. 'He that hath my commandments, and
keepeth them, he it is that loveth me.'" [F. B. Meyer, Joshua and the Land of Promise, p. 200]
OUT OF ANGER, INTO JOY!
As a youngster, I was very angry. I wrecked some of my Christmas and birthday gifts. I took a
hammer to a favorite metal toy and flattened it like a pancake. While in my “terrible two’s”, I
dirtied my pants and I remember my father and uncle, who were watching me, took me outside and
hosed me off with a garden hose!
A short time later, my first sister was born, and suddenly all the attention shifted off me and to her.
She was my father’s “pride and joy.” I was left “holding the bag”. As she grew older, she was
physically stronger than I was. Childhood diseases, including frequent bouts with tapeworm,
weakened my system and I could not perform some of the physical things a boy was supposed to
do. When that happened, my sister would show off her muscles and my father would ridicule me.
All this took place during World War II. Meat was scarce so eggs from chickens that were injected
with hormones became our staple. My breasts began to grow, as did the breasts of other boys of
that time. Still, this was embarrassing to me.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I was not allowed to accompany my father to the men’s
restroom when we were in places like Sears. I was sent to the Ladies’ room until I was well into
the first grade and can remember ladies being aghast that “such a big boy” was using the ladies
room. I finally threw a fit about it, and my father relented, but insisted I use the stall instead of the
urinal.
Another sister arrived and received a great deal of attention from both my patents. I, the only boy,
was left to play by myself in a fantasy world.
We lived out in the country and there were no other boys for me to relate to until I started school.
There I was both fascinated by these boys and curious about what they looked like without their
clothes. I would look at them in the restroom and some of us would show ourselves to each other
to compare our development.
About this time my father “got religion” and dragged us everywhere to church, every weekend and
often during the week. I was about nine and hoped that “religion” would make my father love me
more. It did not. I don’t remember him calling me “son” or saying that he loved me until the day he
died. The only hugs ever given were when I made the first move.
We moved to town and there were more boys I could be sexually involved with. When I was
eleven, for the first time in my life, I masturbated an older boy to orgasm. Suddenly he was happy
and I realized I had stirred something within him that made him feel good. Because he felt good, I
felt good too! As last I had learned how to please a man. I got involved in more and more sexual
activity.
Meanwhile, my father and I were moving even further away from each other emotionally. We
never had the father-son talks many of my friends had with their fathers. Instead, my father began
to lay out my whole life for me, deciding what I would do in life, what branch of the military I
would enter when the time came—everything, as though I had no control of my own destiny. I
resented it!
Something I did (I can’t recall what) angered my father, and, instead of talking to me about it, he
wrote a very lengthy letter to me and placed it on my bed. The wedge between us grew deeper and
he was dead by the time I recovered from the hurt.
Between my eighth and ninth grade years in school, the standoff between my father and me grew
more intense and heated—so much so that I decided to leave home. I told my mother of my plans
and she recommended that if I were going to do that, I might want to attend a private school she
knew about, far from home, where I could begin a new life. I agreed and my father reluctantly
coughed up the money for me to attend.
Here I threw myself into more sexual behavior until I graduated and joined the service of my
choice (not my father’s). During my time in the military I remained celibate except for my
occasional trips home on leave.
When my military days ended, I returned to my home state and settled in a very large city. I found
a church and began to attend, but it was not long before I was sexually involved with other men
again.
I “fell in love with” a teenager who loved me. We planned to spend our lives together when he
entered college. A drunken driver missed the curve in front of his parents’ house and crashed into
my lover’s bedroom, killing him instantly.
I was devastated! I considered suicide! My pastor called me into his office because he had noticed
a change in my mood. I knew I needed help. I didn’t want to be a homosexual any longer. I
wanted to change. I told the pastor my full story.
Instead of help, I got a curse. He announced to the whole congregation that I was a homosexual
and told them to keep their sons far from me. The folks in my church would not speak to me on the
streets. I worked for a Christian organization—he told my boss that I was “a queer!” I was fired. I
rented my house from one the church members. I was kicked out. The leading members of this
church’s organization in my area were told about my struggle.
I wanted to die, but was afraid of hell! I went to work in a large manufacturing plant and went
from bathroom to bathroom, park to park, public restroom to public restroom—engaging in
sexual immorality and praying for forgiveness. I was out of control sexually, yet I wanted to
remain in control. So I avoided the gay bars and the gay night life and kept telling myself, “I’m
not gay —just a ‘little’ homosexual.” My biggest problem was that I would not admit that I had a
problem!
Eventually I married a woman who I loved for who and what she is, but found that during
intercourse I had to fantasize about men to maintain my erection. When I engaged in homosexual
behavior, I justified myself with lies like, “It only happened three times recently,” and “I’m not
having anal sex so I’m not ‘really’ having sex with someone else. I’m not cheating on my wife.
I’m just relieving tension!”
Please understand. I love my wife and I love our children. I gave my son the love I did not get as a
child. Today he is my best male friend.
Still, I was in bondage. Over the years I tried to cut back and/or quit a number of times. I failed
miserably. I prayed and fasted—once I fasted for seven long days and nights, trying to break free
from homosexuality. I memorized Scripture and vowed, “Just You and Me, Jesus. We’re gonna
lick this thing!” Nothing worked. Still, I did not let go of my Christian faith and the belief that
somehow there was a reason for and solution to my problem.
In the midst of this turmoil, I saw a literature display for “Homosexuals Anonymous”.... I was
afraid. “What if someone squealed on me?” “What is my family finds out about me?” “What if
there is a spy in the group who is just waiting to tell the whole world about us?” “What if the group
isn’t really on the up and up?” “What if I fall for a member of the group?” “What if someone in the
group seduces me?” “What if it stirs up a bunch of old memories that are too painful to let go of?”
“What if...?”
Reluctantly, I attended my first meeting and found that my fears were groundless. I skimmed
through the HA workbook, Lord, Set Me Free!, and started at Step 8. I began making my moral
inventory and found the process a painful one for me. Old memories, long repressed, came back
and haunted me, and I masturbated more than once to numb the pain.
Then I started with Step 1, doing each step in its intended order. I worked each morning, using the
steps as my daily devotional. I wrote out the Scriptures by hand and in the evening read outside
material on the subject to learn all I could. Then I reread the Scriptures I had written out in the
morning. When I finished the Step, I went back through it and typed the Scriptures onto sheets of
paper that I inserted in the notebook. By this method I went over every Scripture at least three
times.
I recently had to go on an extended automobile trip. In the past, this had led to disaster, so fear set
in. I was afraid this trip would be my downfall. I loaded myself down with HA tapes for Steps one
through six, some sermon tapes by a minister I admire greatly, and a whole briefcase full of gospel
music tapes. As I drove along, I alternated between listening to a music tape, often singing along,
listening to a sermon tape, then another music tape, then the HA Step tape all the way through. In
this way my mind was occupied with good things the whole time, cutting down on the likelihood
of fantasy.
I was approached twice on the trip by men offering sex. I confess, a little voice inside me said,
“Come on! You haven’t masturbated in days! You have earned a little fun. Nobody will know!’
Yeah, sure!
God gave me the grace each time to exit the scene. I was troubled by temptation for the next few
nights, but the Lord carried me through.
As I write this, it’s been a little over five weeks since I last masturbated, and over three years since
I have acted out in any way with another man. Do I still struggle? You bet. Do fantasies still pop
into my head? Yes. Do I dream dreams that I wish I would not dream? Most nights. Has it been
difficult to write this story? You bet. Did it lead me to act out alone or with someone else? Nope!
Do I want to go back? Never!
At first I worried that if I told the guys in my HA chapter how many days I had gone without
acting out with anyone else or alone, it would intimidate them, but now I’ve learned to see things
differently. I’m hoping, by my testimony, example, and life, that I can be a sort of role model to
them, giving them a goal to shoot for and a hope to cling to.
It has become my mission in life to make it to heaven clean, sexually sober, and free from my
homosexuality, and to take a bunch of clean, sexually sober, free guys with me! By God’s grace,
with the help of the men in my HA support group and the HA materials, I’m making it, one day at
a time!
--R. D.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Lord, do Thou turn me all into love, and all my love into obedience, and let my obedience be
without interruption.” [Jeremy Taylor quoted in Elisabeth Elliot, A Chance To Die: The Life and
Legacy of Amy Carmichael, p. 151]
"Alas, the desire for change can't take the place of change itself. Sleeping with a copy of the book
under your pillow will do nothing but make your pillow lumpy." [Arnold Washton and Nanette
Stone-Washton, Step Zero: Getting to Recovery, p. 62]
"What we call sin is the outcome of sin permitted, days—perhaps weeks—before; which, in the
meanwhile, had been gathering strength within the heart." [F. B. Meyer, Joshua and the Land of
Promise, p. 101]
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of
how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus
off you while you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You
may succeed in making another feel guilty of something by blaming him, but you won't succeed in
changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy." [Wayne W. Dyer, Your Erroneous
Zones, Harper & Row, quoted in Reader's Digest, (April, 1982), p. 189]
"What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head,
and is known to none but himself. All day long, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts,
not those other things, are his history. These are his life, and they are not written, and cannot be
written. Every day would make a whole book of 80,000 words—365 books a year. Biographies are
but the clothes and buttons of the man—the biography of the man himself cannot be written."
[Mark Twain in Reader's Digest, (January 1993), p. 155]
"If you hate your parents for willing you buck teeth, have them fixed or become a comic.... Why
waste time hating your father when he had a father who had a father?" [Bette Davis, The Lonely
Life, p. 12]
MEMORIES
Do you remember, Mama,
when you came into my room,
when the craziness
came over you?
I was not your little girl then,
but more like
some absent-minded doll,
suffering from demented dreams.
You would not hear
my silent screams.
Can you remember, Mother,
How horrible it was?
You were not the one
who held and comforted me.
I don't know where she went,
or what became of her.
Who was it
that took her away from me?
Are you able to recall, Mommy,
the madness of that hour?
We became different people.
You were not you,
I was not I,
But there we were together.
I know it's true.
I have the memories,
But they are not secrets anymore.
My mind had buried them away,
or so I pretended.
But I cannot pretend anymore.
My soul is lost in the charade.
My identity is evaporating.
I want to hold onto reality.
I don't want to be insane.
I need to face the memories,
claim my history as my own.
As painful as that is,
it frees me to be me!
I remember,.......I remember.
--Bonnie D.
FLIRTING WITH SIN?
Ed Hurst writes, “Some people stumble into sin; some fall, some play around on the edges until
they fall in; and others jump” [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming
Homosexuality, p. 86]. It is to those who are tempted to play around the edges that a brother from
Canada recently wrote.
“Some of us at times flirt with sin. We think we can sin and get away with it, but it is like
playing with matches and dynamite. We can play for a while, but in time, we get hurt.
The sad thing is that those of us who have flirted with sin had to pay the consequences. Yet we
went back and played and played and played again! What greater proof could one ask that we
struggle with addiction? But addiction carries death with it.
Do you really think you can keep on playing with sin and not get hurt? Do you really think you
can keep on sinning and escape any pain, any hurt, any discipline from God? Would any good
parent allow their sons or daughters to continue to get away with wrongdoing?
God warns us that whatever others may do, He won’t let us go from bad to worse forever. His
Word warns, “Be not deceived; God is not mock-ed: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he
also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to
the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting’ (Galatians 6:7-8).
God Himself tells us that He will not allow us to continue in sin forever. In time, He will act, if
we continue to sin habitually. It could be with disease, with death, or with the loss of loved ones.
Whatever it may be, it will be painful enough to make us willing to repent truly.
Think about what God has said as you go ahead and play with sin, seek it out, cruise the saunas
and the gay bars looking for another thrill, another conquest. Pick up another man while you lie
to yourself: “It really doesn’t matter. There is no God to stop me from doing what I want to do. I
can do as I please and there will be no consequences. Either there is no God, or He is so ‘loving’
that He’ll let me get away with anything, or He is blind and cannot see my sins.
What fools we are! And we profess to belong to Christ! We say that we believe our bodies are
temples that belong to Christ. And then we go and use them according to what we know are our
sinful lusts! It’s like having an orgy in a church!
And so we shame Christ once more before a watching world. We call on His name and then drag
it through the mud. We become stumbling blocks over which men fall into hell!
HA will never turn its back on you. Neither will God, but that does not mean that you can
continue to sin without one having to pay a terrible price one day.
An article by Greg Laurie spoke to me powerfully on this very subject. He was writing about
Samson (Judges 13-16).
What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear Samson’s name? Probably his
incredible strength. Yet Samson is one of the weakest men in all history. He became so by
throwing away all the strength God gave Him that could have brought glory to God and good to
others.
It’s not that Samson received no warning. It’s just that he thought, whenever anyone tried to
warn him, “No one understands me.” And so he continued to defend his indefensible relationship
with Delilah until he awoke one day to learn that it was now too late. The Philistines took him,
put out his eyes, put him in chains, and brought him in disgrace to Gaza forcing him to do the
work of an animal grinding grain!
What a picture of how sin treats us! First it blinds you. It leads us to do utterly foolish things. We
ignore the possible consequences and plunge ahead heedless of the dangers. That is why the
Bible warns us about “the deceitfulness of sin” (Hebrews 3:13).
Next sin finds you. For many there was an almost euphoric excitement the first time they crossed
the line in anything from finding pornography to their first sexual encounter. They took the bait
and thought, “I got away with it!” But the Bible warns, “Be sure your sin will find you out”
(Numbers 32:23). Payday will come!
And when it does, sin grinds you. Like Samson, you eventually have to pay a terrible price.
Perhaps your marriage is broken, or your witness is damaged, or your reputation is destroyed, or
your children are devastated, or you are diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease—maybe
even AIDS. Depending on what you have done, you may even face time in prison. And then the
grief, the sorrow, the sadness, the misery and the ever repeated, “If only I had not...”
Look at Samson. He was once a man of superhuman strength who could take out the enemies of
the people of God like there was no tomorrow. Now the Philistines laughed him to scorn!
Still, the story of Samson, while it is a warning of the terrible consequences of sin, is also a story
that speaks of second chances. When Samson looked to God for mercy, his shaven hair began to
grow; he strength returned; and when the Philistines had him brought to one of the drunken
feasts to their god Dagon so they could make sport of him, Samson, blind, was guided to the
foundational pillars of their temple, pushed them apart so that the temple collapsed, and killed
more of the enemies of God in that one moment than he had been able to kill in his entire
lifetime.
Yes, Samson had the last word. But to do so, he had to die with his enemies. God gave him a
second chance, but his story still has a sad ending—death! It could have ended so much better.
Thank God He still forgives us when we sin, but that doesn’t mean that sin costs us nothing. God
still gives second chances, but we must learn to fall forward rather that into the same old trap.
And so I ask you, “Are you throwing your life away right now on someone or something that has
a spiritually destructive effect on you? Are you flirting with sin?” Watch out. Let Samson warn
you or you may have to repeat his tragedy.
--A. B., Canada
POINTS TO PONDER
“...We must always be accepted for Christ’s sake, or we cannot be accepted at all. This is not true of
us only ‘when we believe.’ It is just as true after we have believed. It will continue to be true as long
as we live. Our need of Christ does not cease with our believing; nor does the nature of our relation
to Him or to God through Him ever alter, no matter what our attainments in Christian graces or our
achievements in Christian behavior may be. It is always on His ‘blood and righteous-ness’ alone
that we can rest. There is never anything that we are or have or do that can take His place, or that
can take a place along with him” [The Works of Benjamin B. Warfield VII, (p. 113].
“For people so addicted to the mirror, we profit from it little; we so rarely understand the person
staring back at us. Of all the truths we hide from, the hard truths about ourselves are the ones we
hate the most, especially the truth about our own moral unworthiness. Finding ways to justify
ourselves in our own eyes is a universal pastime. Yet one of the most consistent themes in the
Bible is the need for sinners to be honest about their own sin.… A humble willingness to know
ourselves as sinners is an essential part of being a believer.” [Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 4546]
“The Lord help us to discover self in all its various windings, to resist it by the sword of the Spirit,
as we would the devil, for surely it is his great engine.” [The Works of John Newton VI, p. 169]
“My spirit wants to soar with the Holy Spirit but my flesh is afraid of height.” [Unknown in Into
the Light, (March-April 2005), p. 2]
"Rationalization does more to pollute our integrity of motive than any other thing. Rationalization
attempts to excuse our lack of integrity. We repeatedly hear 'Everyone is doing it,' or 'Times have
changed. This is the new way.' Again, 'I had no choice if I wanted to win,' or 'I had to go along
with the majority to stay in fellowship.' The justification for rationalization is that wrong ultimately
will serve a good purpose. But in God's economy, the end never justifies the means." [Fred Smith,
Sr., in 20th Century Thoughts that Shaped the Church, p. 20]
"...Most of our arguments for purity are negative arguments: Be pure, or you will feel guilty, or your
marriage will fail, or you will be punished. But the Beatitudes clearly indicate a positive argument
that fits neatly with the Bible's pattern in describing sins. Sins are not a list of petty irritations drawn
up for the sake of a jealous God. They are, rather, a description of the impediments to spiritual
growth. We are the ones who suffer if we sin, by forfeiting the development of character and
Christlikeness that would have resulted if we had not sinned.... The love he offers is so transcendent
and possessing that it requires our faculties to be purified and cleansed before we can possibly
contain it." [Anonymous, "The War Within: An Anatomy of Lust," Leadership, (Fall 1982), p. 43]
"Anyone can make a mistake. A fool insists on repeating it." [Robertine Maynard quoted by Bob
Maynard, Universal Press Syndicate in Reader's Digest, (January 1993), p. 215]
Step 9
We admitted to God,
to ourselves,
and to another human being
the exact nature of our wrongs
and humbly asked God
to remove our defects of character.
GET HONEST!
"A little boy visited his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the
woods. He practiced in the woods, but could never hit what he was aiming at.
"Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back, he saw
Grandma's pet duck. Out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and
killed it! He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the woodpile, only to see
his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.
"After lunch the next day, Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes.' But Sally said, 'Grandma,
Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.' Then she whispered to him, 'Remember the
duck?' So Johnny did the dishes.
"Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry,
but I need Sally to help make supper.' Sally just smiled and said, 'Well, that's all right because
Johnny told me he wanted to help.' She whispered again, 'Remember the duck?' So Sally went
fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
"After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's, he finally couldn't stand it any
longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave
him a hug, and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the
whole thing. But because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let
Sally make a slave of you.'
"Whatever is in your past, whatever the devil keeps throwing up to you (deception, fear, hatred,
anger, immorality, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.), you need to remember that Jesus Christ was
standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to
know that He loves you and that if you trust in Him, you are forgiven. He's just wondering how
long you will let the devil make a slave of you.
"The great thing about God is that when you ask for His forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but
He forgets" (see Hebrews 8:12).
Confess to God right now, believe His promise to forgive and cleanse (I John 1:9), honestly face all
that was involved in whatever you have done, journaling it out (Psalm 51:1-17), and open up to a
trusted friend (James 5:16) who can help you understand what happened, encourage you to rest on
the promises of God, and be an accountability partner to assist you so that you will never fall into
that trap again. "Remember, Jesus is at the window."
--Author unknown, submitted by Gary Y.
SIMPLE CONFESSION!
A friend loaned me a book about making money, suggesting I read it. I took it, without enthusiasm,
because I'm not very materially oriented. But in it I found something helpful which I pass on to you.
"Have you ever noticed that the more seriously you take your mistakes, the more you make them?
And the more seriously you take your problems, the more you create them? This is because your
behavior follows your attention just as surely as baby puppies follow their mother. Wherever the
bulk of your energy lies, your behavior is sure to follow.... Thus, when you make a big deal out of
something you have done wrong...you are actually setting the stage to repeat the mistake." [Richard
Carlson, Don't Worry, Make Money, p. 65]
"A decision to...remain lighthearted, doesn't mean you don't care or that you're not concerned with
making an error. It simply means that you refuse to compound a problem by making a bigger deal
out of something than is absolutely necessary. It means you understand the value of keeping your
perspective...even in the face of adversity." [Ibid., p. 65-66]
Dr. Carlson is simply telling us to look at our failures the way the steps (based on the Bible) urge us
to deal with them. Why is it so difficult for us to do this?
A. W. Tozer suggests, "Long after we have learned from the Scriptures that we cannot by fasting, or
the wearing of a hair shirt or the making of many prayers, atone for the sins of the soul, we still tend
by a kind of pernicious natural heresy to feel that we can please God and purify our souls by the
penance of perpetual regret." [That Incredible Christian, p. 98]
He continues, "The essence of legalism is self-atonement. The seeker tries to make himself
acceptable to God by some act of restitution, or by self-punishment or the feeling of regret." [Idem.]
In other words, when we try to punish ourselves for our sins by over-focusing on them, we have lost
hold of the great truth that we are justified by faith alone on the basis of the blood and righteousness
of Christ alone. As wonderful as this truth is, it is hard for sinners to hold on to. Even Luther
confessed, "...The matter of justification is slippery; not of itself, for of itself it is most sure and
certain, but in respect of us. I myself...know in what hours of darkness I sometimes wrestle. I know
how often I suddenly lose the beams of the gospel, and grace, as being shadowed from me with
thick and dark clouds.... When in the conflict we should use the gospel, which is the word of grace,
consolation, and life, the law, the word of heaviness, wrath, and death rises against the gospel, and
begins to rage; and the terrors which it raises up in the conscience are no less than was that horrible
show on Mount Sinai. Again, we have against us one-half of ourselves... The flesh resists the spirit
and cannot believe that all the promises of God are assuredly true." [Martin Luther, Commentary on
Galatians, p. 54-55]
There's the rub! Our sin, our flesh, the law, and Satan all unite to make faith in the good news that
Christ receiveth sinful men seem so impossible. Our fight is one of faith, and, as Tozer says,
"Believing...is directing the heart's attention to Jesus. It is lifting the mind to 'behold the Lamb of
God,' and never ceasing that beholding for the rest of our lives." [A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God,
p. 90]
The question that faces us when we fail then is will we focus on sin or the Savior? Will we look to
ourselves and our efforts (even at repentance), or will we look to Jesus and His blood?
Someone may be saying, "What's the matter with me? Why can't I get this through my thick skull?"
If that is your heart, remember that even the great Luther, who rediscovered the truth you are
wrestling with, struggled to hold on to it, and listen to this word from a master physician of the soul:
"Be patient with everyone, but above all with thyself. I mean, do not be disheartened by your
imperfections, but always rise up with fresh courage." [Francis de Sales in Light For My Path, p.
152]
Behold the Lamb of God that taketh away the sin of the world and follow Him (John 1:29; Matthew
4:19), trusting His promises of forgiveness and cleansing (I John 1:9)!
--John J., Reading PA
POINTS TO PONDER
“An old Jewish proverb says, ‘Shame is an iron fence that guards us from sin.’ That’s true.... Shame
prompts us to repent and make amends. It painfully reminds us of our guilt, thereby encouraging us
to avoid the sins that make us feel ashamed. Shame can draw us toward God and forgiveness; that
kind of healthy shame is good. It would be equally true to say, ‘Shame is an iron fence that keeps us
in dysfunction!’ This kind of shame communicates....that we are...inferior and worthless.... Instead
of prompting us to deal with our sin, it usually leads us to deny our sin.... That kind of shame is
‘toxic.’” [Earl Henslin, The Way Out of the Wilderness, p. 75]
"With all our faults God loves us still, if we are trusting in His Son, therefore let us not be downhearted, but hope to live and learn, and do some good service before we die." [Charles Spurgeon's
Little Instruction Book, p. 72]
"Shame and hurt thrive in darkness; they can't seem to stand the light of day." [Charles Sell,
Unfinished Business, p. 113]
"Regret, the little black dog of a belated repentance, does not stop barking and biting the conscience,
even though you know that your sins are forgiven." [Martin Luther's Little Instruction Book, p. 94]
"The question is not whether you've failed, but whether you're content with failure." [Pulpit Helps,
(June 1999), p. 10]
"It will not help you in the end that others are sinful too, and that you are not alone in having broken
the law of God. To be sure, 'all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God' (Rom. 3:23); but
that 'all' does not take away the necessity of remembering very specifically, and understanding
beyond all question and doubt, that it is you personally who are involved. You have sinned. You
have come short of the divine glory. You are under the just sentence of death.... You must flee from
the wrath to come. You must openly and unqualifiedly confess your sins to God..." [John R. deWitt,
Amazing Love, p. 73]
MY OWN NATHAN!
Overall, my childhood was a happy one. I grew up in a Christian home with two parents who both
loved me and did their best to provide for me. I accepted Christ when I was eight years old and
tried to live in a way that would be pleasing to Him. The biggest problem I had to face was my
relationship with my father. Although he was very affectionate and did his best to raise us properly,
certain things put a wall between us. He showed his emotions openly which meant that he
expressed his anger very readily (though never physically). I also usually did not feel affirmed by
him. I felt somehow I was inadequate, though he never said that outright.
I always felt drawn to other boys, but this became more pronounced when I was about ten years
old. I began to fantasize about sexual encounters with other boys and engaged in some sex play
with age-mates. This became more serious when, at 14, I entered a four-year relationship with
another boy my age. He ended that relationship, but by then I knew that my sexual attraction was
primarily toward other men.
I remained celibate after that relationship ended until I was twenty-one and living on my own. At
that time I began to slowly and secretly immerse myself in the “gay” lifestyle. I would go to
clubs and bars in other cities and plan my vacations around where I could openly live the
lifestyle. I kept this secret from my Christian family and friends and continued to attend church
and otherwise present the image of a “model” Christian man. But I was deeply conflicted by the
whole situation.
There were many times when I was on my knees begging God to take these longings from me.
When that didn’t happen, I became very resentful toward God. After all, if He truly loved me and
didn’t want me to be homosexual, He should instantly cure me of these desires. Since He didn’t,
either what I was doing was OK with Him, or He had turned His back on me.
This continued until November of 2002 when at 11:30 at night the police knocked at my door
and served me with a search warrant. I had developed an obsession with online pornography and
downloaded many files. Occasionally, images of underage boys would be included in the
downloads. I would delete these files right away, but apparently a former roommate had seen
some images that I had overlooked.
The men who were my roommates at that time, both of whom attended church with me, were
caught up in the search as well. Now my secret was out in the open. I became deeply depressed. I
made an appointment to meet with the pastor of my church. The night before we met, I was
sitting in my family room and I asked God to show me some scripture that would help. I opened
my Bible to Psalm 51. As I read David’s outpouring of grief when his sin with Bathsheba was
revealed, I was touched by how close it was to my story. I also noted David’s thankfulness for
God’s forgiveness. When I met with my pastor, I told him that I felt that this was my own
“Nathan” and that God could use it to bring me healing.
My pastor committed himself to counseling with me and recommended that I begin attending
HA. Here I began to understand the nature of my struggle and, more importantly, began to see
escape from it. The past year-and-a-half has not been easy. I lost my job, my part-time business,
and my freedom. I spent forty-eight days in prison as part of a plea agreement and will be on
parole and probation for the next nine years. But through all this, God has been with me and my
friends in my HA chapter have encouraged me.
My church has made a commitment to stand along side me in my struggle to overcome my samesex attractions. So many people in the church have extended themselves to me. They have been
there for me. Some don’t always understand my struggle. One well-meaning brother advised me
to just “crucify it to the Lord’ as if this was some magic formula for healing. Anyone who has
seen the movie The Passion of Christ knows crucifixion is one of the slowest and most painful
forms of death ever devised by man. Scripture does not promise quick and easy solutions. But, as
I Peter 1:6,7 says, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to
suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold,
which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise,
glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (NIV).
I may not be able to see all that is involved in freedom from homosexuality, but, just as I can’t
see the destination on a long car trip, I know that if I follow the map, as outlined in Scripture, I
will reach my goal. Roadblocks and detours may come my way, but God always opens new
roads and puts the people and resources in my path so that I can continue on my journey of
sanctification.
--Jim M., Reading, PA
POINTS TO PONDER
“The sooner we are able to get beyond the need to keep our problems a secret or to pretend they
don’t exist, the more quickly healing can occur.” [Earl R. Henslin, The Way Out of the
Wilderness, p. 59]
"A defiled spirit can be cleansed; a dulled sensitivity to God can be sharpened. The cleansing comes
when we confess our sin to God. We must confess the lies about God we believed and the sinful
acts, the mistrust, and separation from God which those beliefs resulted in. After we ask God to
forgive us, we must repent and change our ways." [Don Crossland in 500 Things Your Minister
Tried To Tell You, p. 41]
"They that know God will be humble; they that know themselves cannot be proud." [John Flavel,
The Fountain in Pulpit Helps, (November 1999), p. 20]
"When it comes to Scripture, we express humility by our eagerness to learn and willingness to obey
it." [Donald Whitney in Tabletalk, (July 1999), p. 15]
“No more lessen…thy merit than overrate it; for though humility be a virtue an affected one is not."
[William Penn in Speaker’s Treasury of Political Stories, Anecdotes, and Humor, p. 94]
"The man who governs his passions is the master of the world. We must rule them, or be ruled by
them. It is better to be the hammer than the anvil." [St. Dominic, founder of the Dominicans, in
Elliott Wright, Holy Company, p. 83]
Step 10
We willingly made
direct amends,
wherever wise and possible
to all people we had harmed.
THIS IS MY PRAYER!
"Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." [Psalm 51:10]
O for a heart to praise my God!
A heart from sin set free;
A heart that always feels thy blood,
So freely shed for me.
A heart resigned, submissive, meek,
My great Redeemer's throne,
Where only Christ is heard to speak,
Where Jesus reigns alone;
A humble, lowly, contrite heart,
Believing, true and clean,
Which neither life nor death can part
From Him that dwells therein;
A heart in every thought renewed,
And full of love divine,
Perfect, and right, and pure, and good—
A copy, Lord, of Thine!
Thy nature, gracious Lord, impart:
Come quickly from above;
Write Thy new Name upon my heart,
Thy new, best Name of Love!
--Charles Wesley
POINTS TO PONDER
“Sin causes the cup of joy to spring a leak.” [Book of Living Quotations in Pulpit Helps, (February
2002), p. 11]
“Our name for problems is significant. We call them headaches. You take a powder and they are
gone.” [Dean Acheson, U.S. Secretary of State, in Simpson’s Contemporary Quotations, #557]
“...Pride does not only go before a fall but is a fall—a fall of the creature’s attention for what is
better, God, to what is worse, itself.” [C. S. Lewis, Christian Reflections, p. 7]
"Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk." [Doug
Larson, United Feature Syndicate, quoted in Reader's Digest, (January 1986), Front Cover]
"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." [Beverly Sills quoted in Bits and Pieces, (June
23, 1994), p. 1]
MEAN BUSINESS?
The following letter was sent to an HA online chapter and forwarded to me. It is used with the
permission of its author and we hope gives you good insight into what is meant by working your
program.
“Dear friends,”
“Just want to tell you what is going on with me and to ask for your help in keeping me accountable
to myself and the group (and of course, God).
“I think I am getting closer to facing the deeper inner pain that I have. I’m pretty sure it is mostly
related to feelings of abandonment, loneliness, insecurity, etc. that I grew up with. I needed more
than I got as a child, and my general sense of the world is coming from a place of insecurity rather
than security. Thus I hung on for dear life to G.
“I am pretty confident that these (unmet childhood) needs are so strong that they…(resulted in)
attraction to men. Thus my hanging on to G was even more difficult.
“Bottom line: there are a number of escapes I have from facing my pain—the most problematic
and intoxicating right now being gay chat and/or porn. (Usually only chat—the porn is already like
junk food to me).
“I am increasingly aware of how closely connected my visits to chat or porn sites are to trying to
soften feelings of discomfort, of pain. The problem is that I can’t say I am actually facing clear,
defined feelings of pain when I go to a chat room—but the fact that I go there is often the first,
tangible sign that something is bothering me.
“I chat etc., and then the next day usually feel ‘hung-over’ because then the pain is a bit clearer and
I also don’t feel so hot about the chat (and usually the lack of sleep too.)
“So one thing is sure. As I march forward to confront the pain I need to stay stead and strong and
not go and get “drunk” on chat to numb things inside. I can rationalize all I want, but I need and
want to be like any person in recovery—in total abstinence. I need your help.
“I want to commit to the following things (even though inside I am saying: ‘Wait a few more
days’).
“I will tell this group (and my other HA group) the truth about visiting chat/porn and any other
activities which may be a way of evading reality.
“To be very honest, I do not think that at this point I will include masturbation (without male
fantasy, chat or porn) in this for now. I know I need to very soon, but right now the most important
thing is to be clean on the computer. ‘One step at a time.’
“I will share the actual number of days that I am abstinent.
“I will share with you when I have slipped.
“I ask for your support and maybe even ‘checking in’ on me once in a while. I am not going to chat
sites every night, but even once a week is once too many for me at this point. I know what I am
trying to achieve/avoid by going there—so it is partially a ‘ruined’ experience anyway. I want it
out of my life altogether.
“I am resisting this, I have to admit, like when I quit smoking (after almost 10 years of smoking). I
remember making decisions to quit but having ‘one last cigarette’. The day I quit (10 years ago)
was the day I said, ‘This one is absolutely the last one, no matter how I feel later today etc.’
“Same here. Part of me really doesn’t want to quit yet, but I know that I really do want to and that
there is no time like the present.
“If you’d like to send me your phone numbers that would be great. I know from another recovery
program the idea of “call before you fall” so maybe this can work here as well.
“So…I hope to stay away from which I need to avoid and to confront what I need to confront.
Thanks in advance for your help and support.
“Sam.”
POINTS TO PONDER
“We are all destined for a guaranteed termination. No one has ever beaten the system. In fact, the
Bible even tells us about how long we have before our termination: three score and ten (Psalm
90:10). It’s interesting to note that even though that calculation was recorded three millennia ago,
it hasn’t changed. After thirty centuries of medical, educational, social and scientific advances,
research conducted annually by insurance companies reveals that the average person lives to be
seventy to seventy-five years old (three score and ten). Every moment of life is valuable. Once
time is gone, it’s gone forever. You can’t buy it back, borrow it back, bribe it back, or even pray
it back. A wasted Moment is irretrievable.” [Dennis E. Hensley, How to Manage Your Time, p.
vii]
"Research now indicates that not only have 95% of today's children been exposed to pornography,
the typical child was only 8 when they were first subjected to this detrimental and emotionallyscaring material. This means we are raising a generation of sexually dysfunctional children who will
have difficulty or totally fail at ever attaining a truly intimate and loving relationship." [Phil Burress,
"Soft-Core vs. Hard-Core Pornography," Citizens' Courier, (Spring 2001), p. 3]
“We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what
we can do.” [Oswald Chambers quoted in Awakening-Reach Newsletter, (October 2003), p. 4]
“The two great motivators in life seem to be misery and desire.” [Chris Thurman, The Lies We
Believe: The #1 Cause of Our Unhappiness, p. 134]
HELPS TO STOP MASTURBATION!
Masturbation is a common problem, not only for those who struggle with homosexuality, but for
all men. Dr. Archibald D. Hart, in his study based on more than twenty-five years of in-depth
interviews as a psychotherapist, his teaching more than six hundred students in the doctor of
ministry program at Fuller Theological Seminary, and a questionnaire sent to “good men” “churchgoing, God-fearing, decent, hard-working, honest men” [The Sexual Man, p. xiii] of which he
analyzed six hundred responses [Ibid., p. 8,9] found that “95 percent of males, even from good
healthy, religious families admit to masturbating.” [Ibid., p. 53, emphasis his]
The fact that something is common in this fallen world does not, of course, mean that it is either
good or right. There are many people, for example, who have vicious tempers; but that is not,
according to the Bible, a good thing.
The Bible nowhere lists masturbation as a sin. The sin of Onan was not his “spilling his seed upon
the ground” (Genesis 38:8), but that he did it “to keep from producing offspring for his (deceased)
brother.”
Scripture does, however, label that which usually accompanies masturbation—lust or fantasy—as
breaking the seventh commandment (Exodus 20:14 and Matthew 5:27,28). This means lust is sin!
Further, those seeking freedom from homosexuality who indulge in lustful fantasies are actually
programming their brain in the very direction they want it to stop going!
Thus, while acknowledging that this is a difficult problem to overcome, the person seeking to
change his or her patterns of attraction must learn to deal with it.
You may well be asking, “And just how does one go about doing this?”
Mario Bergner explains how he went about seeking freedom anxiety driven masturbation. He had
come to associate his bedroom with masturbation so that “every time I walked into my bedroom
I’d have a Pavlovian reflex, and I’d think about masturbating” [Setting Love in Order: Hope and
Healing for the Homosexual, p. 79]. He determined to give his bedroom a new meaning in his
heart.
“...Every time I felt the urge to masturbate, I simply got out of bed and knelt on the floor. Then I
prayed the Lord’s words to St. Paul about his weakness, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my
power is made perfect in weakness’ (2 Corinthians 12:9), until the urge subsided. Admitting my
weakness before God, I asked for His strength to be poured into me. Never did I deny that the urge
was there; I merely began to exercise some authority over my own body. Then I would return to
bed and attempt to fall asleep again.
“The first night I tried this, I got in and out of bed to pray ten or twelve times. I got very little sleep.
However, by the time morning came, I had not masturbated. This was the first time in years that a
twenty-four-hour period had gone by without my engaging in that behavior....
“The next night the same struggle ensued, but I did not yield to the urge. The third night I did yield,
but I knew better than to be unforgiving toward myself. I simply began again the next night.
“Soon my bedroom...because a place of communion with God and of rest. No longer was it
associated in my heart with masturbation” [Ibid., p. 79-80]
What are the triggers that lead you to masturbate? How can you avoid them or transform them into
something positive?
If you think you are ready to take this step, tell your chapter and your accountability people and ask
them to check with you on a regular basis. Be honest with them. If you don’t succeed at first (and I
didn’t), examine what led to the episode and find the things that set you up. Talk to your chapter
and accountability partners about them and ask for suggestions about how you might block these
triggers. Be sure to take the matter to God, remembering that “if we confess our sins He is faithful
and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:9). If He has
forgiven you, you are not guilty! If He has cleansed you, you are not dirty! Pick yourself up and
determine to fight more effectively next round until victory is yours!
When tempted, remember the old motto: “Call or fall!” Be sure you have at least five phone
numbers in your billfold that you can call for support when necessary, and use them! If the first
person isn’t home, call the second; if the second isn’t home, call the third, etc. And if you go
through all five and can’t find anyone home, go back to number one and keep calling unto you get
someone.
Don’t focus on what you shouldn’t be thinking of; gently nudge your mind to something healthy
and focus on that. Celebrate each victory and thank God for His goodness to you. If you need more
help, order the tape “How To Deal With Masturbation” from the HA Book Ministry list. I can tell
you from personal experience that you can be free here. It’s not quick or easy (what in the
Christian life is?) but God will give you grace as you persevere! Will you?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“God has granted you the morning, but he does not promise the evening. Spend each day as if it
were your last.” [Lawrence Scupoli, The Spiritual Combat quoted by Richard A Kauffman,
“Spiritual Classics,” Christianity Today, (September 2006), p. 112]
“A cold hand and a stingy heart will generally go together.... It is vain to expect a man to do much
for Christ, when he has no sense of debt to Christ.” [J. C. Ryle, “John,” Expository Thoughts on the
Gospels IV, p. 139]
"You can't put your sins behind you until you face them." [Unknown in Into the Light, (SeptemberOctober 2001), p. 3]
“We have a head on us for the same reason a pin does: to keep us from going too far.” [The
Motorist, (September 1979) in Pulpit Helps, (October 2002), p. 21]
GOOD DIRECTIONS FOR LIVING!
If you open it…close it.
If you borrow it…return it.
If you break it…fix it.
If you mess it up…clean it up.
If you use it…flush it.
If you turn it on…turn it off.
If you spill it…wipe it up.
If you take it off…hang it up.
If you get it out…put it back.
If you put food on it…rinse it off.
If you sleep in it…make it.
If you clutter it up…tidy it up.
If you did wrong…make it right.
[Copied from Abundant Living Ministries, (October 2003), p. 3]
POINTS TO PONDER
"The efforts which a Christian man who has succumbed to some gross evil is making to begin again
will be greatly influenced by the attitude held towards him by his fellow believers. If they withdraw,
scorn him, and become censorious, he will be discouraged. It is not likely that he will speedily and
spontaneously seek the renewing forgiveness of a loving heavenly Father. Where there are none, or
few, to seek him out and assure him of reconciliation in the fellowship of those who claim to be
right with God, he may come to believe that he is also beyond the range of God's pardon. On the
other hand, should he find that the Christian community, while frankly recognizing his fall, still
welcomes him with forgiveness, he will consider that no limit can be set to the recreating tenderness
with which God's loving forgiveness may once again flood and overflow his heart." [H. D.
McDonald, Forgiveness and Atonement, p. 42-43]
"The assumption that dedicated, sincere, good Christians are invulnerable to sin is just nuts. And
worse than that, it is profoundly unbiblical." [Pat Means, "Toxic Trust," Steps, Vol. 8, No. 4,
(Winter 1997), p. 4]
"The easy way is usually the destructive way." [Bette Davis, The Lonely Life, p. 75]
"Success is the sum of small efforts...repeated day in and day out." [Pulpit Helps, (October 2001),
p. 9]
“We are moving towards a dictatorship of relativism which does not recognize anything as for
certain and which has as its highest goal one’s own ego and one’s own desires.” [Cardinal Joseph
Ratzinger, now Pope Benedict XVI, in his sermon at the opening of the Papal Conclave, quoted in
Christianity Today, (June 2005), p. 23]
Step 11
We determined to live no longer in fear
believing that God’s victorious control
turns all that is against us into our favor,
bringing advantage out of sorrow
and order from disaster.
GETTING FREE OF FEAR!
For as long as I can remember, I've always loved to sing, but I hid my talent because I thought maybe
my family would think singing was silly and I was afraid the boys in school would make fun of me. So I
just sang when I was by myself.
Since I've been working on my recovery, I started to sing at my church. I had to struggle with my old
emotions telling me I didn't belong and feeling all alone. Thanks to recovery, I've learned to talk truth to
these feelings and recognize that they are not about what is going on in the present, but about hurts in
the distant past.
So I called up my courage and volunteered to take part in the Christmas musical. I made a commitment
to myself not to bail out if things felt uncomfortable. It has been very rewarding! I've received lots of
comments like, "Boy, that man can sing!" or, “I didn't know you sang." I NEEDED THAT!
I've learned that I need men in my life so I can get my emotional needs met in healthy ways, and I can
have those friendships. This means so much to be because I want to please God and I want to be whole.
Two weeks ago eight men asked me to sing with them in a men's group. They wanted me!!! I know
God is using all this to bring healing into my life. He placed a love of music in my heart and is using it
to bring joy and wholeness to my life.
My only regret is that I let fear rob me of all this for so long. Now all is so different! I can't wait to see
where God is leading me. I know that, as wonderful as everything has been thus far, there is more! I
want it all—everything God has for me—and I am determined that fear will rob me no more!
--Joseph C.
POINTS TO PONDER
“The path of shame is a lonely one, trodden in self-imposed isolation. You may be surrounded by
others, but they are not allowed into the inner chambers of your life. You fear that they will discover the
real you, and you believe that knowing you, as you perceive yourself to be, will hurt them and you....
You believe that if others knew the real you, they would reject you or despise you.” [C. W. Neal, Your
30-Day Journey To Freedom From Shame, p. 10-11]
“What does your anxiety do? It does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but it empties today of its
strength. It does not make you escape the evil; it makes you unfit to cope with it when it comes. It
does not bless tomorrow, and it robs today. For every day has its own burden. God gives us power to
bear all the sorrow of His making, but He does not give us the power to bear the sorrows of our own
making which the anticipation of sorrow assuredly is.” [Ian Maclaren]
“When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human
sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.” [C. S.
Lewis in My Favorite Quotations compiled by Norman Vincent Peale, p. 100]
TURTLE SHELL PROTECTION
Inside my turtle shell, shielded from the pain,
I think I'm safe within my armored hiding place,
but it can't protect me
from the heartache and anguish in my soul.
I believed I was locking out all the suffering,
but instead, it's caged inside.
I pull my head into my sanctuary
and peek from sheltered darkness.
I draw in my limbs,
my retreat is complete,
nothing is exposed.
If someone should notice me,
They would not realize I am alive.
They would not recognize my turtleness.
In camouflage,
I blend in with the rocky terrain.
It's cozy in here and secure.
I will not stick my neck out for anyone!
Risking hurts.
Stretching is dangerous.
So I stay inside—
withdrawn,
confined,
secluded,
isolated,
alienated,
immobile.
Circulation is cut off.
My legs are numb.
My body has little feeling,
But my emotions
overwhelm my mind
with feelings!
I can stay here in repose,
but only for a time
because this kind of self-protection
is really no protection at all.
Eventually,
it can only lead to
starvation,
dehydration,
and death.
--Bonnie D.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!
“It seems that our society, and I include myself, has not really developed a true Christian sense of masculinity
and manhood. I personally see that I was over-mothered. The idea of sacrifice, even death, for another was not
placed into my heart. Because of this I have an attitude of being a receiver and inward as opposed to gallant
and outward.... My mother....wanted the best for her children and she loved her children and...raised them as
best she knew how.... I believe that we are not born with a ‘heroic disposition’. Courage is a virtue of the Holy
Spirit and we must ask for this virtue in our life. Some individuals, because of their upbringing, might obtain
this virtue more quickly than others, but it is available to all. It also must be exercised and used.”
Peter C., Reading, PA
POINTS TO PONDER
"Dean Inge said, 'We're losing our Christianity because Christianity is a religion for heroes, and we are just
good-natured people who want to be left alone and have a good time.'" [J. Wallace Hamilton, "The Anatomy
of Courage," Protestant Hour Classics, p. 63]
Fear “somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread: the fabric of
our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune
we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to
be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them
on paper... We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn’t it because self-reliance failed us...? Perhaps there
is a better way—we think so. For we are now on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon
God. We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns.
Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to
match calamity with serenity.” [Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 67-68]
“The best proof of love is trust.” [Joyce Brothers in Reader’s Digest, (August 1993), p. 7]
“Don’t lose your head in the battle...you won’t have any place to put your helmet.” [The Best of Barbara
Johnson, p. 287]
“I remember one night when I was taking care of a couple of our grandchildren. It was late in the evening, but
since grandfathers usually let their grandchildren stay up longer than they should, they were still awake. We
were laughing, messing around, and having a great time together when we suddenly heard a knock on the
door. Not the doorbell, but a mysterious knocking. Immediately one of my grandsons grabbed hold of my arm.
‘It’s OK,’ I said. The knock came again, and I started to the door. My grandson followed me, but he hung on
to my left leg and hid behind me as I opened the door. It was one of my son’s friends who had dropped by
unexpectedly. After the person had left and I’d closed the door, my grandson, still holding on to my leg, said in
a strong voice, ‘Bubba, we don’t have anything to worry about, do we?’ And I said, ‘No, we don’t have
anything to worry about. Everything’s fine.’ You know why he was strong? Because he was hanging on to
protection. As long as he was clinging to grandfather’s leg, he didn’t have to worry about a thing.” [Charles R.
Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart And 1,501 Other Tales, p. 209]
Step 12
We determined
to mature in our relationships
with men and women,
learning the meaning of
a partnership of equals,
seeking neither dominance
over people
nor servile dependency on them.
DEPENDENCY!
Have you noticed that this step does not warn against all dependency? It just speaks against servile
dependency. Have you ever wondered why that is and what it means?
Step 12 warns against what Dr. Karen Horney called "morbid dependency", "an extreme, neurotic
surrender of self to another such that one person becomes pathologically reliant on another for things
social and emotional" [Arthur S. Reber, The Penguin Dictionary of Psychology, p. 187-188]. Dr. Michael
Campion notes, "Such individuals feel inadequate and helpless and put their own needs second so as to
avoid offending the person on whom they are dependent. They believe that if they offend that person they
will be rejected, leaving them to rely on themselves.... They are preoccupied with the thought of being
abandoned.... The dependent person has difficulty making decisions and asserting himself..."
["Dependent Personality Disorder," Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, p. 300] This type of dependency
is discussed in Lori Rentzel's Emotional Dependency and is what our step calls "servile"—"like...a
slave,...cringing" [Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, p. 1659].
Some people, however, go too far and shy away from anything that even looks like depending on others.
Dr. Richard E. Butman, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Wheaton College, says, "There is nothing
inherently wrong with depending on others.... Healthy cooperation, or depending on one another, is the
foundation of social life" ["Dependency," Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology, p. 299]. There are
"dependency needs"—"those required for normal functioning. Used for both the physical/biological
(food, water, warmth, shelter) and the psychological (affection, love, security)." [Reber, op. cit., p. 188,
emphasis ours]
It is vital for those who would find freedom from homosexuality to understand this distinction. To see
why, look at Dr. Elizabeth Moberly's vital research into the causes and healing of the homosexual
condition. Her study revealed "...one constant underlying principle...: that the homosexual—whether man
or woman—has suffered from some deficit in the relationship with the parent of the same sex..."
[Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 2]. "The parent may or may not be culpable, but in either case
the child has been genuinely hurt. The difficulty arises when such hurt is accompanied by an
unwillingness to relate any longer to the love-source that has been experienced as hurtful.... The tragedy
is that subsequent to this effect the behavior of the same-sex parent becomes irrelevant, since the child is
no longer able to relate normally to him or her. Even if love is offered, it cannot be received" [Ibid., p. 4].
"There is a defensive detachment from the love-source. And, in consequence of this, needs for love,
dependency and identification which are normally met through the medium of such an attachment, remain
unmet" [Psychogenesis, p. 67, emphasis ours].
Dr. Moberly suggests, "...The homosexual condition is one of same-sex ambivalence.... The overall
structure of ambivalence involves various distinct components. Firstly...the defensive detachment from
the same-sex parental love-source will be marked by hostility, whether overt or latent, towards parental
figures and towards other members of the same sex.... At the same time, there is a reparative drive
towards the restoration of attachment and hence towards the meeting of unfulfilled needs for love,
dependency and identification" [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 6-9, emphasis ours]. Thus
homosexual persons can feel pulled in two: on the one hand they are pulled in one direction by their
unresolved fear and anger and on the other they are pulled the opposite way by their unmet needs from
childhood.
Dr. Moberly concludes, "Just as the problem of homosexuality is twofold there must likewise be a
twofold therapeutic goal. This twofold answer must be the undoing of the defensive detachment, and
making up for unmet needs" [Ibid., p. 18-19]. "...It is not enough just to undo the defensive detachment.
Unmet needs must still be met in order to make up for missing growth" [Ibid., p.46].
How does one go about making up for that missing growth? Carmen Renee Berry says, "...There are three
general stages in recovery: dependence, independence, and interdependence" [Are You Having Fun Yet?
p. 22]. "Independence is not the goal. We seek interdependence, a healthy intimacy possible only between
two independent people who have had their dependency needs satisfied" [Ibid., p. 23].
"None of us can experience a genuine sense of independence until our legitimate dependency needs are
met.... The first stage of recovery, honoring legitimate dependency needs, is an absolutely necessary step
toward healing and growth.... But...dependency is not the goal. It is an integral part of the journey"
[Idem.].
"As I moved into the second stage, independence, the emphasis moved toward taking self-responsibility
and exercising individual choice. My attention shifted from looking to others for my nurture to ways I
could care for myself" [Idem.].
"The third stage, interdependency, draws the focus away from ourselves as solitary individuals and
toward our abilities to establish mutually beneficial relationships” [Idem., emphasis ours].
Why is the journey through proper dependency and independency into interdependency necessary for the
person who wants to be free from homosexuality?
Dr. Moberly says, "To 'stop being a homosexual means to stop being a person with same-sex
psychological deficits. This can only happen through the fulfillment of such needs ("for love, dependency
and identification)" and the resolution of any barriers to such fulfillment. Conversely, it must be
understood very clearly that to thwart the fulfillment of such needs implies that the person is forced to
remain homosexual. A non-practicing homosexual is still a homosexual. ...Sexual abstinence of itself
does not begin to meet the problem of the underlying deficits. Only the nonsexual fulfillment of same-sex
needs may do this. The homosexual cannot just 'turn heterosexual', bypassing the normal route to
heterosexuality..." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 40].
"The solution to same-sex deficits is to be sought through the medium of one or more non-sexual relationships with members of the same sex.... The homosexual is not to stop loving members of the same sex,
but to meet his or her psychological needs deeply and completely without sexual activity. The same-sex
relationship is to be so fulfilling that same-sex deficits remain no longer and the relationship itself is
outgrown" [Ibid., p. 42].
"...It is not the availability of same-sex models but the ability to be attached to such persons that is crucial
in the acquisition of a same-sex identity [one who identifies as a mature member of the same sex and is
drawn to the other sex]" [Ibid., p. 48]
"Normal and universal needs are involved in homosexuality. What is abnormal is that these needs should
have been left unmet and not fulfilled in the normal way and at the normal time, i.e. in childhood and
adolescence, through the attachment to the parent of the same sex. The adult heterosexual is someone
who has had these needs and in whom they have been fulfilled.... The adult homosexual is someone in
whom these needs have not (yet) been met. It is not the needs as such that are pathological, but their lack
of fulfillment" [Psychogenesis, p. 87].
"Since the problem is one of a disruption in attachment and its consequences, the restoration of
attachment must be seen as the means of resolving the problem" [Ibid., p. 67].
"It would be wrong to assume that the undoing of the defensive barrier would itself mark the resolution of
the overall problem. It may facilitate resolution, but that is all. The person in question would still be in a
state of incomplete growth until such time as this would be completed through the medium of a renewed
attachment. The restoration of attachment does not instantly resolve the problem, since an attachment is a
means (towards completion of growth) and not an end in itself. But the restoration of attachment begins to
solve the problem, and without this the problem can never be solved" [Ibid., p. 70].
"The greater the defensive barrier, and the more extensive the missing growth, the greater amount of time
and care that will be needed for healing." [Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, op. cit., p. 49]
If you feel frustrated and a bit frightened at this point, please understand that these feelings are normal.
Somehow you were hurt in childhood. You put up a wall of fear and anger to protect yourself. Now you
hear you must take that wall down and begin to trust someone of the same sex—to make yourself
vulnerable to someone like the person who hurt you before. Small wonder you feel fear.
Further, you see that you must exercise care that, as you seek to get your childhood dependency needs
met, you don't fall into "servile" dependency. You're probably thinking, "How will I ever make it?"
Accept the fact that you'll not do so perfectly! We're all imperfect people, and imperfect people don't do
anything perfectly!
I liken recovery to steering a pirate ship in a mighty storm. The wind and waves toss us—first one way,
then the other. We don't despair because we have a compass to keep us on course. Each time we look at
the compass and see we're off course, we don't panic, jump ship, or go below to sit and sulk. We make a
course correction! We continue making course corrections until we reach the desired haven.
Meanwhile, we must take care not to run upon the rocks! What are they and how can we keep clear of
them?
To begin with, please note that we are talking about Step 12! Before you are ready to take this step you
need to have built a healthy relationship with God through Christ (Steps 2-7) and to have worked on your
fear and anger through forgiveness and faith (Steps 8-11). While working Step 1, you should have begun
to build a relationship with a Step Coach to help you along the way. He or she will be invaluable to you
now. (If you have not found someone to be your Step Coach yet, suspect defensive detachment and start
tearing the wall down with the best Step Coach you can find.) Only then are you ready for Step 12.
Step 12 calls us to maturity and that means learning how to follow the Bible's directions in relationships.
The Bible calls us to love others with a love that "believes all things" (I Corinthians 13:7—as you think
about that verse meditate on verses 1-3). At the same time it tells us there were people Jesus did not trust
(John 2:23,24) and there are people we should not trust (II Timothy 3:1-5). We must take time and get to
know a person before we open our heart to them. Your Step Coach can help you if you keep them fully
posted—urging you to put on the brakes if you are moving too fast (and are likely to be hurt) and to step
on the gas if you are moving too slowly or not at all (and thus won't get your needs met).
The maturity Step 12 calls us to also involves loving others with the love that "is not easily angered" (I
Corinthians 13:5 NIV) which alerts us to the fact that friendships between sinners (which everyone is!)
can be difficult. When the tough times come, we will be tempted to hide behind our old wall ("I need
space" which translated means I want to detach again). Here again your Step Coach can be of great
help—encouraging you not to give up on a friend without strong cause (Proverbs 27:10), to learn
forbearance (Ephesians 4:2), and to practice forgiveness (Ephesians 4:31, 32), while offering guidance if
you need to end something that is truly destructive.
To avoid an unhealthy dependency, have more than one friend and try to give the same amount of time
and attention to each friend—trusting each to meet needs, rather than looking to only one person for
nurture. In this way you will also avoid becoming too demanding so that your friend feels overwhelmed
and wants to get away.
Don't limit your friendships to those who struggle, but don't exclude strugglers from your circle of
intimates either. Strugglers and non-strugglers both have much to offer and can be a tremendous help in
meeting your unmet, same-sex, parent-child needs.
Begin with friendships with people of the same sex. As your unmet needs are fulfilled (which will take
time), move on to friendships with the other sex (still maintaining your same-sex friendships). Here,
again, your Step Coach can advise you to slow down if you seem too impatient (trying to move on to the
other sex before your same-sex needs are met) or to take risks if you seem too fearful to try something
new.
During the entire process, maintain a close walk with God so He can strengthen you for each new
challenge and comfort you if things go poorly (as they sometimes will). He is the One Who meets our
needs—whether He meets them directly or through others. To Him belongs all the glory!
Finally, be patient with yourself. As Evelyn Underhill has said, "Don't be ferocious with yourself because
that is treating badly a precious (if imperfect) thing which God has made" [in Elliott Wright, Holy
Company, p. 194].
I was recently talking to one of our members who expressed so well what many of us have felt. He said,
"I always felt there was some sort of hole in my soul." You are embarking on a thrilling and sometimes
frightening journey. There will be some pain but the rich reward of seeing that hole filled and finding the
satisfaction you always sought in life will more than repay your efforts. Courage! And, as Churchill
exhorted the students of his alma mater, Harrow School, "Never give in, never give in, never, never,
never—in nothing great or small, large or petty—never give in except to convictions of honor and good
sense" [Churchill on Courage, October 29, 1942].
--John J.
A GODLY FRIEND MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE
Christ found me in 1982 and I have thus been a Christian for many years. I was severely sexually and
emotionally abused when I was a child and a teenager and have always suffered with deep unmet needs
to be close to a godly, older man.
As I grew older, I struggled as a Christian for a very long time with homosexuality. I always felt
convicted by the Holy Spirit whenever I gave in to that sin. I tried to find freedom, attending several
different support groups in south Florida that sought to help men and women live free from
homosexuality.
Feeling despondent seven years ago, I prayed very honestly asking God to meet my emotional needs and
show me how to develop a close, godly friendship with an older Christian man.
God answered that prayer and gave me a godly friendship with an older Christian man who has deeply
loved me unconditionally with the love of Jesus! At last my real emotional needs were being met and
this freed me up to start pouring the love of Jesus into other lives.
--Daniel E.
POINTS TO PONDER
“LOVE is the first outgoing of the renewed soul to God—‘We love him because he first loved us.’ It is
the sure evidence of a saving work of grace in the soul—‘The fruit of the Spirit is love.’ It lies at the
very foundation of Christian character; we are ‘rooted and grounded in love.’ It is the path in which all
the true children of God are found; they ‘walk in love—the bond of their mutual union; their hearts are
‘knit together in love’—their protection in the spiritual warfare; they are to put on ‘the breastplate of
love’—the fullness and completeness of their Christian character; they are ‘made perfect in love’—the
spirit through which they may fulfill all the Divine acquirements; for ‘love is the fulfilling of the law;’
that by which they may become like their Father in heaven, and fitted for his presence; for ‘God is love,’
and Heaven is a world of LOVE.” [Tryon Edwards in Jonathan Edwards, Charity and Its Fruits, p. v]
"It is not too much to say that, second only to faith in God, our human relationships are the most important
thing in our lives." [Samuel Shoemaker in 500 Things Your Minister Tried To Tell You, p. 108]
"We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the
present." [Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love (Harper-Collins) in Reader's Digest, (August 2000), p.
85]
“Love cures people—both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.” [Old Union Reminder
quoted in Pulpit Helps, (July 2004), p. 16]
"The virtuous soul that is alone...is like the burning coal that is alone. It will grow colder rather than
hotter." [St. John of the Cross in Philip Yancey, Church: Why Bother? p. 23]
“A dog has many friends because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” [Pulpit Helps, (August 2002),
p.11]
EIGHT GIFTS THAT DON'T COST A CENT
1) The gift of listening...
But you must REALLY listen.
No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response.
Just listening.
2) The gift of affection...
Be generous with appropriate hugs, kisses, and pats on the back.
Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for family and friends.
3) The gift of laughter...
Clip cartoons. Share articles and funny stories.
Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."
4) The gift of a written note...
It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime, and may even change a life.
5) The gift of a compliment...
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job,"
or "That was a wonderful meal" can make somebody's day.
6) The gift of a favor...
Every day, go out of your way to do something kind.
7) The gift of solitude...
There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to these times and give the gift of solitude to others.
8) The gift of a cheerful disposition...
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone.
Really, it's not that hard to say, "Hello" or "Thank you."
Friends are a rare jewel. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they
share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to you.
Show your friends how much you care. Give them one of these gifts any time it is needed. It costs
you nothing; it blesses them beyond measure.
--Author Unknown, Contributed by Gary Y.
MAKING FRIENDS
We all are aware of the importance of same-gender friendships in heal-ing our wounds. We
know the Lord has it in His heart that we be healed. That is unmistakable. We know His desire
for us is to be walking in freedom. That stated, I want to share with you what that looks like and
how it “plays out” in real-life applications.
The grocery store near my office is open early, so I often stop there to get something for lunch on
my way to work. One of the men who works there is attractive to me, and I have found that it is
wise for me to get to know someone I am attracted to—at least on a casual basis—so I can say
hello and call them by name rather than just remain “in lust” about them. That’s what I will do
with this man whose name, I learned, is “John”.
In prayer, I was impressed that we—as men—need to begin recognizing each other and taking an
interest in each other’s lives. I was especially impressed with the fact that taking an interest—
even in the smallest manner—in another man, that can help ease an “ache’ in the other man’s
heart. It can lead him to feel, “That man called me by my name. Maybe I am someone after all.”
This is especially important when relating with younger men. It is of consequence that I took the
time and trouble to get to know his name. I hope—and have literally prayed—that he notices
this. We all need more connection, not less, in our daily lives.
However I do need to be cautious so that the man I am reaching out to does not misread my
friendly overtures and my approach backfires. The desire to touch another man, however pure [a
hand on the back or shoulder while you are talking to them] is not recommended until you know
the person well enough to be sure that they will not mistake this for a “pass”. When I hug a
brother in the Lord, I make sure that I know him well enough to know he does not feel this is a
sexual hug and I am comfortable with him so that I know he has no such intentions in his mind,
even if he struggles with same-sex attractions. I’ve taken time to be sure we both know each
other well enough to understand that neither of us is interested in a sexual encounter.
Granted, there are times when all I want and need is a bear hug—literally—from another man
which will tell me, unmistakably, “Hey! I love you! Do you know that?” We need physical
contact with others. God designed that in us. Those desires need not be thwarted by our fear that
a bear hug may become sexualized. If both parties know where the other is coming from and
both know that the other will not allow this to become a sexual thing, then by all means, ask for a
bear hug! Such hugs have brought real healing in my life and are one way to get my real,
legitimate needs met in a healthy manner from men in my life rather than the old, illegitimate
ways of going to the bars, bath-houses, bookstores, beaches, or parks for a sexual encounter that
gave the illusion of someone caring but soon left me feeling even more empty and needy than
before.
In dealing with “social” encounters, such as John at the grocery store, I pray for him and always
greet him in a friendly manner. Granted, the first time I saw him he “took my breath away,” but
five-and-one-half years of freedom from “acting out” my longings through Jesus’ sustaining
power have taught me that I don’t have to act inappropriately on those attractions: there are
healthy, legitimate ways to “connect” with other men that don’t include sexual activity.
What I’m looking for is to be able to have John as a friend in my life with whom I can hang out.
However, the chances that this will occur are less than likely. The only place where I am likely to
see him on a regular basis will be at the grocery store on my way to work. I can still honor that
man and continue to show an interest in him, even if it is just to say hello and greet him by name
every time I see him. If a friendship should develop, I would—of course —bring my
accountability network into place, letting people know about my relationship with this man,
where we will be, what we will be doing and seeking their counsel. In this way I can be assured
all will be well.
To summarize, I have begun to learn what friendships with other men are supposed to look like,
even if they are just a brief, casual hello to the man at the grocery store, my barber, or the
mechanic at the auto shop. These may, or may not, grow into close friendships where I can trust
God and tell my friend, “I need a hug. Would you please hug me?” or ask someone to go to
dinner with me, or for help by phone late at night when I am lonely and need someone to talk to.
Everyone has needs. It is how we act in those times of need that matters. Do we make healthy
choices that please our Father in heaven, or do we act out in illegitimate ways that fill us with
shame and guilt and make us ever more vulnerable to the lust of the flesh?
--Bill G.
POINTS TO PONDER
"...Christ....works on us in all sorts of ways.... But above all, He works on us through each other.
Men are mirrors, or 'carriers' of Christ to other men.... Usually it is those who know Him that bring
Him to others. That is why the Church, the whole body of Christians showing Him to one another,
is so important." [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 161-162]
"It is important to remember that we are, each of us, angels with only one wing. We can only fly
embracing each other." [Luciano de Crescenzo]
"I have learned that we can get sick by ourselves, but we cannot get well by ourselves." [R. F.
Smith, Jr., Sit Down, God...I'm Angry, p. 11]
"No one of us stands alone; we cannot sin without insensibly affecting the spiritual condition of all
our fellows. We cannot grow cold without lowering the temperature of all contiguous hearts. We
cannot pass upward without lifting others.... 'None of us liveth to himself, and none dieth to himself.'
'Whether one member suffereth, all the members suffer with it; or one member is honored, all the
members rejoice with it." [F. B. Meyer, Joshua and the Land of Promise, p. 91]
"Current studies indicate that most men in our society have no real friend they can share their lives
with in an intimate way. Herb Goldberg in The Hazards of Being Male writes of the lost art of
buddy ship. After men discuss the weather, sports, stock market, interest rates, and perhaps the sexy
new secretary at work, they have nothing else to say to one another." [Josh McDowell, His Image,
My Image, p. 83]
"The loneliness inside the sexually broken man is horrific. It is so unbearable for him that when it
rises up, he feels the need to silence it immediately with some kind of sexual act. He believes that if
he allowed it to come to the top, he would die.... The addict believes, deep down, that he is not
worth loving... This is the reason for his loneliness. The addict has already assumed he is unlovable,
so he consistently deflects the affection expressed to him by others. This, of course, becomes a selffulfilling prophecy. Eventually they stop reaching out and pull away from him altogether." [Russell
Willingham, Breaking Free, p. 25]
POINTS TO PONDER
"Be a spendthrift in love! Love is the one treasure that multiplies by division: it is the one gift that
grows bigger the more you take from it. It is the one business in which it pays to be an absolute
spendthrift; give it away, throw it away, splash it all over, empty your pockets, shake the basket,
turn the glass upside down, and tomorrow you will have more than ever." [Anon. in The WatchmanExaminer, quoted in Sunshine Magazine, quoted in Reader's Digest, (April 1982), p. 190]
"It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them." [Francois, Duc de la
Rochefoucauld in Les and Leslie Parrott III, A Good Friend, p. 27]
"I've noticed that controllers go to extremes. If they cannot dominate then they flee from the
relationship." [Inmate in Into the Light, (January/February 2000), p. 2]
"Someone once said, 'You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.'" [Randy
Rowland, Get A Life...and a Faith that Works! p. 99]
"People like to be around him. There were many reasons. First and most obviously, because he was
who he was. Beyond that, there was that big gutsy laugh, that infectious lop-sided grin, that bouncy
step. There was the genuine interest in and concern about others. There was that limitless curiosity,
about people, places, and things. There was the pure enjoyment he got out of living. People liked
Ike because Ike liked people." [Stephen E. Ambrose, Eisenhower: Soldier and President, p. 576]
"Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in
return; just wait for it to grow in their heart, but, if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours." [Gloria
Zwinggi, "Think About It," Awakening, (May 2000), p. 4]
"'There are two things we cannot do alone,' said Paul Tournier: 'one is to be married and the other is
be a Christian.'" [Philip Yancey, Church: Why Bother? p. 37]
"Do you know what makes the prison of loneliness and suspicion disappear? Every deep, genuine
affection. Being friends, being brothers, loving, that is what opens the prison, with supreme power,
by some magic force. Without these one stays dead. But wherever affection is revived, there life
revives." [The Letters of Vincent van Gogh in Plough, (Autumn 2000), p. 17]
“You hear people say, ‘Can’t I be a Christian without joining the church?’ Yes, it is possible, but it
is something like being a student who will not go to school, a soldier who will not go to battle, a
citizen who refuses to pay taxes or vote, a football player without a team, a scientist who does not
share his findings, or a bee without a hive.” [Spiros Zodhiates, Pulpit Helps, (April 2001), p. 7]
“You don’t just luck into things as much as you’d like to think you do. You build step by step
whether it’s friendships or opportunities.” [Barbara Bush quoted by Ann Grimes in Running Mates:
The Making of a First Lady (Morrow) in Reader’s Digest, (March 1992), p. 7]
"Dr. William Glasser, founder of Choice Theory and Reality Therapy, cites seven deadly habits
that destroy relationships: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and
rewarding in order to control. He further proposes seven 'connecting' habits that will allow us the
tools to build satisfying relationships and thus avoid a great deal of the emotional misery many feel
today: caring, trusting, listening, supporting, negotiating, befriending, and encouraging." [James
Rudy Gray, "Unconnected People are Unhappy People," Pulpit Helps, (December 2002), p. 12]
“Our boundaries may be damaged, which means we have trouble maintaining them in specific
situations or with certain people. Our boundaries may be nonexistent, making it easy for others to
take advantage of us. Or our boundaries may be rigid, impenetrable walls that make it impossible
for others to get near us.” [Earl Henslin, The Way Out of the Wilderness, p. 184]
"There is no other activity which so completely identifies the Christian and the Church with its
Lord than love." [Charles VanEngen, God's Missionary People: Rethinking the Purpose of the
Local Church, p. 54]
"Nine-tenths of our unhappiness is selfishness and is an insult cast in the face of God." [G. H.
Morrison in Jesus People Newsletter, Vol. 30, No. 2, p. 2]
“Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom.”
[Theodore Isaac Rubin, M.C., One to One (Viking Penguin) in Reader’s Digest, (November 1995),
p. 177]
“You Christians are more concerned about whether I obey your rules than you are about my
loneliness. What does that say about your God?” [Person choosing to live a homosexual life quoted
in Mary Heathman, “Grace Is....Sometimes Received in Vain,” A Measure of Grace, (April 2003),
p. 6]
Seldom can the heart be lonely,
If it seeks a lonelier still;
Self-forgetting, seeking only
Emptier cups of love to fill.
[Frances Ridley Havergal in Timeless Quotations on Peace of Mind, p. 68]
“I had many friends to help me to fall; but as to rising again, I was so much left to myself, that I
wonder how I was not always on the ground. I praise God for His mercy; for it was He only who
stretched out His hand to me.” [The Life of Saint Teresa of Jesus, written by herself, c. 1562-8; tr.
David Lewis quoted in The Oxford Book of Friendship, p. 313]
“...Homosexuals....know that what is missing in their hearts is masculine love. The problem is that
they’ve sexualized it. Joseph Nicolosi says that homosexuality is an attempt to repair the wound by
filling it with masculinity, either the masculine love that was missing or the masculine strength
many men feel they do not possess. It...is a vain search and that is why the overwhelming number
of homosexual relationships do not last, why so many gay men move from one man to another and
why so many of them suffer from depression and a host of other addictions. What they need can’t
be found there.” [John Eldredge, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, p. 94-95]
“Better be alone than in bad company.” [A Treasury of Essential Proverbs, p. 21]
“The friendships of this world are often fair-weather friendships, and fail us like summer-dried
fountains, when our need is the sorest; but the friendship of the Son of God is stronger than death,
and goes beyond the grave.” [J. C. Ryle, “John” II, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, p. 65]
“The musical Funny Girl had it wrong. ‘People who need people’ are not the luckiest people in the
world. People who need people are the only people in the world.” [Tim Alan Gardner, The Naked
Soul, p. 3-4]
Step 13
We sought,
through confident praying
and the wisdom of Scripture
for an ongoing growth
in our relationship with God
and a humble acceptance
of His guidance for our lives.
WHAT IS YOUR FOCUS?
A pre-arranged funeral package—that was it! The final detail that had been missing in my suicide
plan. I could take care of even the last details with one of those packages.
I’d carefully thought out everything and now it was all coming together. After all, why bother to
continue living when each day became increasingly more painful than the last and hope was
dead?
I knew I couldn’t stay in the gay life-style and keep Christ an active part of my life, yet I thought
there was no way I could live the “straight and narrow” and not practice my homo-sexuality. My
brain ached and pounded from endless hours of questions with no answers. Suicide seemed the
only viable alternative. I would finally be free from the pain of thinking. No longer would I be
torn between two opposing lifestyles, both that I wanted to embrace. Why didn’t I? Because I
knew they were both to be too consuming to allow for a rival.
Somehow God reached out to me in the midst of my darkness. I heard of a ministry where people
who had themselves been involved in the gay/lesbian scene were helping each other get out! I
talked with several people, heard their struggles and amazing personal testimonies about growth
in Christ and healing of the needs that had created their struggle. I knew there was hope for they
had found it.
What I came to realize that day is that it’s not “How can I be a practicing homosexual and serve
Christ?” or “How can I serve Christ and be a practicing homosexual?” but “Am I going to serve
Christ or not?”
There is nothing about me—good or bad—that entices God to love me. He loves me because of
who He is, not because of what I am or am not. There is nothing about me God does not know.
He knows of my struggle with homosexuality as well as He knows that I have blue eyes and He
still loves me! The quest is whether or not I will return His love in service to Him regardless of
my struggles.
I became an active member in my HA group and my relationship with God became stronger and
my struggle with homosexuality grew less. It has not, as yet, completely disappeared.
As I was praying about the fact that I still have struggles, I began to wonder if I had perhaps lost
sight of my purpose—to serve Christ. I reflected on my prayer life and asked how much time
was spent on homosexuality and how much time was spent on Christ. Had I begun to use my
Christianity solely as a cure for my struggle? Was I serving God simply to rid myself of a
personal problem? I was ashamed to answer these questions. Homosexuality is an all-consuming
mistress and without Christ will remain so. Seemingly even in recovery it was pulling me away
from Christ and serving God.
Please understand: we must concentrate on and deal with long unmet emotional needs from our
childhood and the emotional voids they have created in our lives. But we must never get to the
point where they blur our purpose in life—to serve Christ. Using God solely as a cure for
homosexuality is putting the cart before the horse.
God is not blind, nor is He unfeeling! He is far more aware of our pain and struggle in all areas
of our lives than we will ever be. However often He must wait to help us until we give Him the
time and room He needs.
There are books to read, speakers to hear, videos to watch, friendships to make—the list goes on
and on; but nothing should be done without prayer. Talk with God. Tell Him how you’re feeling.
Praise Him for the person He says you can be, ask Him how you can best serve Him. He loves
you; let your life be a return expression of His love.
Don’t struggle only to rid yourself of homosexuality. It’s futile. “Seek ye first the kingdom of
God... (Matthew 6:33). Then you will find your old self begin to die and a new self begin to
emerge as the character of Christ begins to grow, develop, and take root in you—and part of that
character is healthy heterosexuality!
How’s your walk with God today? Need growth. Don’t hesitate to draw near to Him for as you
do, He promises to draw near to you!
--Anonymous
POINTS TO PONDER
“The only route to healing is constant relationship with Jesus.” [Chad Klopfenstein, “Approaching
the Altar from a Broken Past,” Redeemed Lives News, (Spring 2005), p. 3]
When the child of God
Looks into the Word of God
And sees the Son of God
He is changed by the Spirit of God
Into the image of God
For the glory of God.
[Unknown in The Best of Barbara Johnson, p. 272]
"People who neglect attendance at the house of God are not only being unscriptural—let me put it
bluntly—they are fools. My experience in the ministry has taught me that those who are least
regular in their attendance are the ones who are most troubled by problems and perplexities.... It is
ordained that we should come to God's house to meet his people. It is his ordinance, not ours. He
has ordained it not only so that we may meet each other but also that we might come to know him
better.... It is a very foolish Christian who does not attend the sanctuary of God as often as he
possibly can, and who does not grieve when he cannot." [D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Faith Tried and
Triumphant, p. 109]
My favorite definition for the church: "a hospital for souls where we alternately serve as patient and
physician." [Smith, Jr., Sit Down, God...I'm Angry, p. 36]
“...Theology is a matter of life and death.... We are all theologians, either good ones or bad ones.
Life is a journey, either toward the truth or away from it, and all of the most important truths are
theological.... Doing theology is our life’s work. According to the Bible, if we are not given over to
pursuing the knowledge of God and the knowledge of ourselves in relationship to God, then we are
pursuing the wrong things.” [Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 10-11]
“Without prayer our Christian life unravels. Prayer is the key, the core, the essence the glue. A
Christian without prayer is like a body without a heart. It’s like a car without an engine. It might
look great, but it has not power and is certainly not going anywhere.” [Tim Hansel, Dancin’ Toward
the Dawn, p. 117]
HOW YOU CAN DRAW NEAR TO GOD!
George Mueller of Bristol England is without question one of the great heroes of the faith. He
had an extraordinary gift for believing prayer that enabled him to care for literally thousands of
orphans in 19th century England as well as actively aid in the causes of evangelism and missions
in mighty ways. Here is a man who knew how to draw near to God and can teach those who
would learn how they too may enjoy the blessings of His presence. In 1841, he wrote of a great
lesson he had learned.
“Before this time my practice had been, at least for ten years previously, as an habitual thing, to
give myself to prayer after having dressed in the morning. Now, I saw that the most important
thing was to give myself to reading God’s Word, and to meditation on it, that thus my heart
might be comforted, encouraged, warned, reproved, instructed…
“The first thing I did, after having asked in a few words of the Lord’s blessing on His precious
Word, was to meditate on the Word of God, searching as it were into every verse to get blessing
out of it; not for the sake of the public ministry of the Word, not for the sake of preaching on
what I had meditated upon, but for the sake of obtaining food for my own soul.
“The result I have found to be almost invariably this, that after a few minutes my soul has been
led to confession, or to thanksgiving, or to intercession, or to supplication; so that, though I did
not, as it were, give myself to prayer, but to meditation, yet it turned almost immediately more or
less to prayer. When thus I have been for a while making confession or intercession or
supplication, or have given thanks, I go on to the next words or verse, turning all, as I go on, into
prayer for myself or others, as the Word may lead to it, but still continually keeping before me
that food for my own soul is the object of my meditation. The result of this is that…my inner
man almost invariably is even sensibly nourished and strengthened…” [Quoted in Ken Gire,
Reflections on the Word Devotional, p.3]
POINTS TO PONDER
“Spiritual growth is not automatic. It takes an intentional commitment. You must want to grow,
decide to grow, make an effort to grow, and persist in growing.” [Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven
Life, p. 179]
“We might wish that every person who believes the facts about Jesus were guaranteed to be saved,
but it is not true. Saving faith arises from hearts willing to cease their rebellion against God, hearts
willing to know God and themselves in a new light. People can find all kinds of reasons to
‘believe’ while remaining hardhearted rebels against God.” [Ron Julian, Righteous Sinners, p. 25]
"If it doesn't work, try reading the directions. If it still doesn't work, try following the directions."
[Overcomers Outreach News, (Spring 1993), p. 2]
"The power to pray comes with praying. You know 'Of ourselves we know not what to ask, but the
Spirit helpeth our infirmities.' But He helpeth us when we are trying to pray, not when we are not
trying." [E. B. Pusey in You Can Say That Again, p. 243]
"The fundamental prayer to God is only one word, in the teeth of any storm: yes." [Michael Novak,
"Controversial Engagements," First Things, (April 1999), p. 23]
IT'S ME, LORD, HERE I AM
You've brought me through another night.
I kneel before you,
not as you would have me,
or as I should be,
but as I am,
a sinner.
I'm troubled, and I need your help.
My doubts and fears almost consume me.
Guide me through this day with your hand upon my heart.
Take my hand and lead the way;
I will try to follow you.
Give me the grace and strength
to accept and carry whatever crosses and troubles come my way.
Help me live this day the best I can,
and when night falls,
help me to say I've lived this day as you wanted me to.
Keep me in your loving care,
now and through all eternity.
C.R.
POINTS TO PONDER
“As people who fear God, we also recognize that God is not a divine bell-hop, on call to respond to
our every desire. We cannot use God simply to accomplish our aims. Rather, we come expressing
our need, committing it to Him and leaving the outcome in His hands, knowing that He is our
infinitely wise and loving heavenly Father.” [Jerry Bridges, The Joy of Fearing God, p. 202]
"Often we come to church and come to prayer because we know what we want and, since God is
good, we expect him to give it to us. Some people even define faith and prayer that way. 'I believe
in you, Jesus. Therefore, whatever I ask for, you have to give it to me. Now, here is what I want.'
That is not faith. That is not prayer. That is manipulation.... Meister Eckhardt said, 'We go to God
as to a cow, for what we can milk him for.'" [Fr. Thomas Hopko, "Continuous Conversion," Faith
& Renewal, (March/April 1992), p. 4]
"Go to your Bible regularly, open it prayerfully, read it expectantly, live it joyfully." [E. C.
McKenzie, 14,000 Quips and Quotes, p. 309]
POINTS TO PONDER
"Broadly speaking, prayer is the occupation of the soul with its needs; praise is the occupation of the
soul with its blessings; but worship is the occupation of the soul with God Himself." [A. P. Gibbs,
Uplook, (April 1998), p. 18]
“The deepest level of worship is praising God in spite of pain, thanking God during a trial, trusting
God when tempted, surrendering while suffering, and loving him when he seems distant.” [Rick
Warren, The Purpose Driven Life, p. 107]
“Without the heart it is no worship; it is a stage play, an acting a part without being that person
really which is acted by us: a hypocrite, in the notion of the word, is a stage player.... We may be
truly said to worship God, though we want perfection; but we cannot be said to worship him is we
want sincerity.” [Stephen Charnock, The Existence and Attributes of God I, p. 225-226]
“Music and liturgy can assist or express a worshipping heart, but they cannot make a nonworshipping heart into a worshipping one. The danger is that they can give a non-worshipping
heart a sense of having worshipped. So the crucial factor in worship in the church is not the form of
worship, but the state of the hearts of the saints. If our corporate worship isn’t the expression of our
individual worshipping lives, it is unacceptable. If you think you can live anyway you want and
then go to church on Sunday morning and turn on worship with the saints, you’re wrong.” [John
MacArthur, The Ultimate Priority, p. 104]
“Too much of our worship is ritual without reality, form without power, fun without fear, religion
without God.” [John R. W. Stott, The Contemporary Christian, p. 228]
“Our thinking is: I will pray if I feel like praying. Then, when I feel more like praying perhaps I will
pray with greater regularity. But....you do not become a master musician by playing just as you
please, by imagining that scales is sheer legalism and bondage! No, true freedom in any area of life
is the consequence of regular discipline. It is no less true of the life of prayer.” [Sinclair B.
Ferguson, Grow in Grace, p. 105]
“He will not give us light unless we mean to follow it.” [A. B. Simpson, When the Comforter Came,
p. 77]
“Are you in touch with God?... Are you still back in the doldrums of wondering whether it is
possible to be in touch with God, instead of knowing by now that all difficulties lie in yourself
and are of your own making, and that when you are open God is ready to be in touch with you?
Is the experience of being in you? Is the experience of being in touch with God growing, so that
He can depend upon you to carry out His will, especially in difficult situations which require
maturity, insight, and judgment? Is being in touch with God lifting you above the defeats which
have kept you down—the moods, the signs of temper and irritation, the ever-present willfulness
which only God can destroy?” [Samuel Shoemaker, National Awakening, p. 87]
“I had the greatest delight in the Holy Scriptures, of any book whatsoever. Oftentimes in reading
it, every word seemed to touch my heart. I felt a harmony between something in my heart, and
those sweet and powerful words. I seemed often to see so much light exhibited by every
sentence, and such a refreshing ravishing food communicated that I could not get along in
reading. Used often to dwell long on one sentence, to see the wonders contained in it; and yet
almost every sentence seemed to me full of wonders.” [Jonathan Edwards in S. Hopkins, The
Life and Character of Jonathan Edwards, p. 33-34]
“Heavenly Father, give me three things in this life: a heart of fire toward Thee, a heart of flesh
toward others, and a heart of iron toward myself.” [Joe McKeever, “Where to Put Your
Expectations,” Pulpit Helps, (April 2004), p. 33]
"The reason angels can fly is they take themselves lightly." [G. K. Chesterton quoted in Circuit
Rider, (April 1994), cited in Current Thoughts & Trends, (June 1994), p. 15]
“He loseth nothing that keepeth God for his friend.” [Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia: Adagies and
Proverbs, 1732 quoted in The Oxford Book of Friendship, p. 341]
“There is an intimacy with God, but it’s like any other intimacy; it’s part of the fabric of your life. In
marriage you don’t feel intimate most of the time. Nor with a friend. Intimacy isn’t primarily a
mystical emotion. It’s a way of life, a life of openness, honest, a certain transparency.” [Eugene
Peterson in Mark Galli, “Spirituality for All the Wrong Reasons,” Christianity Today, (March
2005), p. 43]
“Don’t assume you are too spiritual to be attacked by the tempter: nobody is. Don’t think that
because you have read your Bible and prayed you are free from the possibility of evil; nobody is.
Don’t think there is some magic formula that will exempt you from the devil’s plans; there isn’t.
The closer you draw to Jesus, the closer Satan will try to draw to you. It you know that, you will be
watchful.” [Steve Brown, If Jesus Has Come, p. 73]
“There are four things that are very important to help you as a new believer: First, read the Bible.
It is God’s Word written to you. Second, pray. Take everything to God in prayer, because He
loves you and you are now His child. Talk to God like you would your best friend. Third,
witness for Christ. Tell someone about your decision for Christ. Then witness by your smile and
by your love and concern for others. Fourth, get into a church where Christ is proclaimed and
where you can serve Him.” [Billy Graham in Russ Busby, Billy Graham: God’s Ambassador, p.
115]
“If others have smarted for disobeying God, why not we, since God is impartially and immutably
just, always consonant and agreeable unto himself? His power is the same, so is his justice and
holiness. If we will not be warned by threatening nor example, we sin doubly; as he that will run
into a bog wherein others have plunged themselves is guilty of double folly—of adventuring
rashly, and not taking warning. This is one great benefit that we have by the historical part of the
word, that it does not only preserve the memory of the saints, that we may imitate their graces
and enjoy their blessings, but also recordeth the sins and punishments of the wicked, that we may
avoid their judgments.” [The Complete Works of Thomas Manton XV, p. 374]
“Lord, what wilt Thou have me to do?” [Acts 9:6]
Step 14
Having had a spiritual awakening,
we tried to carry this message
to people in homosexuality
with a love that demands nothing
and to practice these steps
in all our lives activities
as far as lies within us.
GOOD EXAMPLES!
“A few years ago, at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally
disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not
exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win.
“All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times,
and began to cry.
“The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back. Then they turned
around and went back—every one of them.
“One girl with Down’s Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, ‘This will make it better.’
Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood,
the cheering went on for several minutes.
“People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one
thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is
helping others win, even it if means slowing down and changing our course.” [Bernie
Koersleman in Pulpit Helps, (November 2003), p. 11]
These youngsters may have been handicapped in many ways, but they were not handicapped in
heart! They lived what we all know to be the way everyone should live. Is that the way you are
living now? Do you hear the cry of lost, confused, hurting strugglers and does it call you from
your own plans back to help a fallen brother or sister?
This is what Step 14 calls each of us to. “Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry
this message to people in homosexuality with a love that demands nothing and to practice these
steps in all our lives’ activities, as far as lies within us.”
Here is the acid test of our recovery. Before we started our program, most of us were selfcentered. When we began seeking freedom, we could hardly wait to find what we were seeking
and put the whole distasteful business of our struggle behind us. Our shame issues kept us locked
in the prison of self. We were immature—like babies—only able to think of what we wanted and
what we could get.
A genuine spiritual awakening (which is what recovery is all about) brings a man or a woman
out of self and opens them to loving God and others. The very first fruit of the Spirit is love
(Galatians 5:22,23). Love “seeketh not her own” (I Corinthians 13:5). The essence of godliness
was summed up by our Lord Jesus Christ as loving God with our whole heart, soul, strength, and
mind and loving our neighbor as ourselves (Matthew 22:34-40). Christ said, “Whosoever will
come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will
save his life shall lose it; but whosoever shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel’s the same
shall save it” (Mark 8:34,35). The Apostle John wrote, “This is the message that ye heard from
the beginning, that we should love one another (I John 3:11). “Hereby perceive we the love of
God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren” (I
John 3:16).
As you ponder the story of the children in the Special Olympics who went back to help a fallen
comrade, and as you meditate on the Scriptures set forth above, and as you examine your life in
the light of them, what do you see? Are you “getting on with your own life”—as if your life did
not belong to Him who redeemed you with His blood—or are you giving of yourself that others
may know the truth and find the freedom Christ paid for at the cross? Does selfishness still reign
or has it been in large measure banished from your heart? What evidence is there in your life for
these judgments? What changes ought you in your life? How will you make them? When will
you begin?
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“One of the most difficult parts of being a Twelve Step sponsor is watching people relapse. So
often we give out our phone numbers at meetings to promising newcomers and then never hear
from them again. Of those few who do call, only a small portion actually want help and stick
around long enough to get it. Of that small portion that asks for help, most stop their progress at
some point in the Twelve Step process and disappear. Exceedingly rare is the individual who
actually works all Twelve Steps and stays around to sponsor others.” [James Ryan, “The Practice
of Sponsorship,” Steps: A Magazine of Hope and Healing for Christians in Recovery, Vol. 15,
No. 4, p. 3]
"Life's most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?" [Martin Luther King
in Bits & Pieces, Vol. R, No. 40, p. 23]
"The only ones among you who will be truly happy are those who have sought and found a way to
serve." [Albert Schweitzer quoted in Group, (July/August 1998), p. 51]
"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
[Edmund Burke in U.S. Catholic, (October 1997), p. 6]
"If some are still dominated by their former bad habits, and yet can teach by mere words, let them
teach.... For perhaps, being put to shame by their own words, they will eventually begin to practice
what they teach." [John Climacus, The Ladder of Divine Ascent, p. 203]
"It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference." [Tom Brokaw in Reader's Digest,
(June 1993), p. 157]
"Be kind—conquer by love. If a man has his heart full of love and a little common sense, he will
succeed." [D. L. Moody in Pollock, Moody, p. 77]
"I have striven not to laugh at human actions, not to weep at them, nor to hate them, but to
understand them." [Benedict Spinoza in Bryan Magee, The Story of Philosophy, p. 93]
THIS IS MY STORY!
Stan B., a member of our Traverse City, MI, HA chapter sent us a copy of a letter he gave his
pastor to help the pastor let people know about HA by putting Stan’s story in the church bulletin.
The pastor did so and people were blessed. We thought you might be encouraged by what Stan
had to say, and share his thoughts with you with his permission.
“Sitting in the worship service today was such a treat for me. I see that these kids are being
taught and are experiencing God’s love. The commitment of their leaders, shepherds, and parents
shows the love of the body of Christ. I have been a member of this congregation long enough to
know many of you and to see a tremendous growth within the church. With that knowledge, I
feel led to share my story with you. Because of the nature of this issue, and because I feel the
calling from God into a ministry for homosexuality, I choose to remain anonymous.
“Yes, homosexuality. Many people feel shivers run up and down their spine when they hear the
word mentioned. Words like ‘gross, sick, disgusting’ and other unkind words come to their
minds to describe the homosexual person. Of course, not all who are tempted in this way act out
their feelings, but they do struggle with them every day of their lives, feeling alone and isolated.
I think you’d be surprised to know that studies show that in a church our size there would be an
average of ten people who struggle with this issue. Hearing friends or family talk cruelly about
homosexuality by a joke, something that happened to someone else, a news story or personal
experience makes the person’s struggle more intense and drives them farther and farther into
depression and denial while steering them farther away from the truth of recovery.
“Please understand, I’m not saying that homosexuality is right. I know that it is not God’s will
for anybody to engage in homosexual behavior. Leviticus 18:22 says, “Do not lie with a man as
one lies with a woman; that is detestable.” I stand by that!
“I also know that studies have shown that something happened when homosexual persons were
about two years old so that the boy did not go through a normal healthy separation from his
mother and learn to identify with his father.
“In time the homosexual struggler comes to believe that homosexuality is part of him. I know
personally that I prayed for God to take away my painful struggle. He never did. Why? I guess
I’ll find out when I get to heaven and can ask Him. It may sound weird to you, but I am almost
happy that He did not. Because of my struggle, I now know Him better than I ever did before,
my life is much fuller, my relationship with Him has never been stronger, and my relationship
with my wife has never been better. What happened?
“Growing up was a struggle for me. I never disclosed my homosexual feelings to anyone, but I
always wondered if some of the bullies at school who picked on me and called me names like
‘gay’ and ‘homo’ had any suspicions about me. Girls were something I was never really
interested in. I was jealous when I heard other boys talking about their girlfriends so I mostly
kept to myself. I had a few guy friends but I was mostly a loner.
“After high school, I started working full time at a local retirement center washing dishes. That
same year I met the woman I married two years later. We’ve been married over fifteen years.
She knew nothing of my struggle until early 2003. I thought that our marriage would be over
when I told her. I was prepared to give up and move out, but to my surprise, she wanted to stay
with me and work the problem out.
“With God’s help, we are working on my recovery and I have found that she is my biggest
supporter. I had totally underestimated the work God had done in her. Today, while we, like
everyone, have our ups and downs, our marriage is stronger than ever and the down days seem to
be getting less frequent. My recovery has brought about the lessening of my homosexual feelings
and at times has given me little hints of my heterosexuality. Praise God!
“Since you know a little of my life story, I would like to tell you what God is doing in my life
now. With my loving wife at my side, I have joined a ministry called Homosexuals Anonymous,
a life-changing ministry. I have found support from other recovering strugglers and the wives of
the men who are working to be free from homosexuality have encouraged my wife.
“The lack of knowledge in many churches has lead many strugglers to believe that the church
has no place for them. The struggling homosexual person feels he has nowhere to turn other than
to look to those who are living a gay lifestyle and believe their homosexuality is a genetic trait
about which nothing can be done.
“Working through any kind of compulsive, addictive behavior is difficult. Until strugglers can
separate themselves from homosexual behavior, we, the church, need to love and embrace the
struggling homosexual who asks for help, just as we deal with those who struggle with other
addictions or issues. We must show them the love of Jesus by encouraging them as they seek the
way out of the darkness of confusion and pain into the light. Remember the words of Scripture:
‘They kept demanding an answer, so He stood up again and said, “All right, stone her. But let
those who have never sinned throw the first stone”’” (John 8:7)! “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way
and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me’” (John 14:6). “Then
Jesus came to them and said, ‘All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of
the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And
surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age’” (Matthew 28:18-20).
“If you struggle with homosexuality and want more information on this life-changing ministry,
contact HA’s office at 610-779-2500. We want to help you, and share with you, but you have to
take the first step and make the call. All calls are confidential. Why not reach out today?
POINTS TO PONDER
"I've discovered...emotional wounds are healed when I am able to use them redemptively. If I share
an experience with someone who is suffering, and I use that occurrence to help guide them through
their own pain, the memory is redeemed. The experience is purified and put to good use." [Harry &
Melissa Harrison, Both Sides of Recovery, p. 77-78]
“Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.” [Mark 16:15]
GOD IS GOOD!
The world might say there are many reasons why God wouldn't want to use you or me. But don't
worry—
Moses stuttered.
David didn't fit into Saul's armor.
Mark was rejected by Paul.
Hosea's wife was a prostitute.
Amos' only training was in fig-tree pruning.
Jacob was a liar.
David had an affair.
Solomon was too rich.
Jesus was too poor.
Timothy had ulcers.
Peter was afraid of death.
Lazarus was dead!
Abraham was too old.
David was too young.
John was self-righteous.
Naomi was a widow.
Paul was a murderer.
So was Moses!
Jonah ran from God.
Miriam was a gossip.
Gideon and Thomas both doubted.
Jeremiah was depressed and suicidal.
Elijah burned out.
Martha was a worrywart.
Samson had long hair.
Noah got drunk.
Did I mention that Moses had a short fuse? So did Peter, Paul—well, lots of folks did.
But God doesn't require a job interview. He doesn't hire and fire like most bosses. He's not
prejudiced or partial, not judging or grudging, not deaf to our cry, not blind to our need.
God's gifts are free. We can do wonderful things for wonderful people and still not be exactly
wonderful!
Satan says, "You're not worthy." Jesus says, "So what? I AM."
Satan looks back and sees our mistakes. God looks back and sees the cross. He doesn't calculate
what you used to do. It's not even on the record.
Sure. There are lots of reasons why God shouldn't want us. But if we love Him, if we hunger for
Him more than for our next breath, He'll use us in spite of who we are, where we've been, what
we've done, or how we look.
Thank God for that!
Author Unknown
Contributed by David P.
POINTS TO PONDER
"It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help
another without helping himself." [Ralph Waldo Emerson quoted in Bits and Pieces, (Vol. I, No. 6),
p. 13]
"When any of us stop helping other addicts and get caught up in our own lives, the results are
always the same: depression, loneliness and isolation." [Harry & Melissa Harrison, Both Sides of
Recovery, p. 73]
"You deny Christ when you fail to deny yourself for Christ." [Pulpit Helps, (April 1999), p. 10]
"There is a wonderful promise in this Book, one of the most precious promises that it contains, a
promise that men and women are constantly quoting. I do not wonder that men and women so often
quote the promise! what I do wonder at is that they quote the promise without reference to the
context and condition. The promise is...(Matt. xxviii.20), 'Lo, I am with you alway, even unto the
end of the world.' Is there a more precious promise than that between the covers of this book? Ah,
but notice the condition. You will find it in the preceding verse. Jesus said, 'Go ye into all the world
and make disciples of all nations...and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.'... I
want to ask you a question: Have you any right to this promise?... Are you going out...making
disciples, winning souls?... If you are, you have a right to that promise. If you are not, you have no
right to that promise." [R. A. Torrey, Real Salvation and Whole-Hearted Service, p. 220]
Step 14 "by emphasizing 'carrying the message to others'...makes it clear that recovery is not just
about me. It is about consciously investing in relationships with people who are still deeply
entrenched in the addictive process. Sobriety...is not just not using. It is a whole new life style that
involves mutual-support, conscious investments in our relationship with God and disciplined efforts
to reach out to others." [Dale Ryan, "Relationships & Recovery," Steps, (Winter, 1996-97), p. 7]
“Let others be obsessed with money, success, fame, sex or power; those who follow Christ should
be obsessed with him and with his cross.” [John R. W. Stott, Evangelical Truth, p. 67-68]
“...One secret of being miserable is to live only for ourselves, and one secret of being happy is to try
to make others happy, and to do a little good in the world.” [J. C. Ryle, “John” II, Expository
Thoughts on the Gospels, p. 93]
“That is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great.” [Willa Cather in Bas Bleu,
(Summer 2005), p. 25]
SERVICE
“Jesus called them together and said, ‘Ye know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,
and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to
become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your
slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a
ransom for many.” [Matthew 20:25-28 NIV]
“A Christian man is most the most free lord of all, and subject to none; a Christian man is the
most dutiful servant of all, and subject to everyone.” [Martin Luther in Selected Writings of
Martin Luther, edited by Theodore G. Tappert, 1967, p. 20]
“If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, and I’m only concerned about my needs, I
should question whether Christ is really in my life. A saved heart is one that wants to serve.”
[Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life, 2002, p. 228]
“Your call to salvation included your call to service.... Regardless of your job or career, you are
called to full-time Christian service. A ‘non-serving Christian’ is a contradiction in terms.” [Rick
Warren, The Purpose Driven Life, 2002, p. 229]
“You are not saved by service, but you are saved for service.” [Rick Warren, The Purpose
Driven Life, 2002, p. 228]
“The roots of happiness grow deepest in the soil of service.” [Mother Teresa (1910-1997)]
“I don’t know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the only ones among you who
will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.” [Albert Schweitzer
(1875-1965)]
“When an individual turns to God desiring to serve Him, God directs his or her attention to the
world and its need.” [Emil Brunner (1889-1966)]
“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than
yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the
form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but make himself nothing,
taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” [Philippians 2:3-7 ESV]
“When people are serving, life is no longer meaningless.” [John Gardner in Powerful Thinking
for Powerful Living, p. 274]
“If the world is cold, make it your business to build fires.” [Horace Traubel in idem.]
“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” [Edmund Burke in
Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p. 65]
--Brian H. and John J.
WHY IS RECOVERY TAKING SO LONG?
David Livingstone, the great pioneer missionary to Africa, "came to Bamangwato, and was
favorably received by their chief, Sekomi. Here he stayed for some time and Sekomi one day,
having sat some time in deep thought, said: '"I wish you would change my heart. Give me
medicine to change it, for it is proud, proud and angry, angry always." I lifted up the Testament and
was about to tell him of the only way in which the heart can be changed, but he interrupted me
with, "Nay, I wish to have it changed by medicine, to drink and have it changed at once, for it is
always very proud and very uneasy, always angry with some one." and then rose and went away'"
[Thomas Hughes, The Life of David Livingstone, p. 27-28].
Like Sekomi, most people are impatient and rebellious when it comes to change of any sort. They
want what they want now and on their own terms. These attitudes must be dealt with if we are to
make progress along the road of recovery.
Without a miracle (and miracles, by definition, are extraordinary) recovery takes time. It will help
if we understand that: (1) we sometimes make the process longer than it needs to be; and (2)
sometimes time is simply part of God's way in leading us to freedom.
(1)
"How could I make the process longer?" you might ask. By not being diligent in working your
program!
Dr. Chris Thurman writes, "I have found, time after time in counseling, that when push comes to
shove, most of us don't want to do the work entailed in getting better.... We tend to adjust to the
pain of staying ill. Not only do we often grow comfortable with our problems and the pain they
create, we often want to hang on to our problems for all the benefits that come from them" [If
Christ Were Your Counselor, p. 130].
"As you read what I am saying...you may be feeling....that I am accusing everyone who struggles
with personal problems of not wanting to get better. I...know that isn't true. I have seen countless
examples of people who have struggled with great courage to face their problems head on and
have, with God's help, overcome them.... But, if you are hearing me say that most people don't
really want to get well, you are hearing me correctly. For every person who musters the courage to
face problems and actually do what it takes to get better, there are dozens more who don't" [Ibid.,
p. 132-133].
There's an old American proverb that states, "Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your
hands in your pockets" [Reader's Digest, (July 1984), p. 137].
What do you need to do to get your hands out of your pockets and move towards success?
(1) Face the fact that all change is difficult. As you read the following story, please keep in mind
that its author is a Christian and a psychiatrist.
"Looking back at my own life from the perspective of maturity, I can now see my own parents
more clearly than when I was a child. They were not bad parents; indeed I would rate them well
above average.... I describe my experience...to show that a child's inability to read his parents'
minds can damage that child just as surely as the vilest cruelties....
"The memory of that day is incomplete... I see myself as a child of two, perhaps three. I am sitting
on the floor, alone in a locked room for what seems like hours. I have been sobbing for a long
while, but there is no use sobbing any more. I see myself...catching my breath in quick involuntary
spasms from time to time. Probably I am being punished for something, but if so, it is the only time
a locked room has been involved. For the first time in my life, I know the despair that only a child
can know. It is absolute despair... I am accepting the fact that you never ask big people for
kindness or understanding. You don't ask them for anything.... I understand clearly now that I must
never again expect anything from any big person—and I silently vow never to do so. I could not
articulate the vow, but it registered itself in the silence of my soul....
"Later I discovered that this event had made it impossible for me ever to accept affection and love
from anyone. I could give affection. But all I expected in return was reasonable decency; I could
not handle more than that. Over a forty-year period, I slowly came to understand that I was actually
terrified of love and tenderness. As a child I had discovered how deceptive was the delusional hope
of love. And I could not unlearn that lesson. I grew up to be a 'nice' person—indeed 'a very nice'
person—but, because of my fear of love, a person you could never really get close to. I married,
had five children, was successful in all I undertook.... But I could not stand tenderness being shown
toward me, even by my wife. Tenderness terrified me. I would react strangely to it, not
understanding why” [John White, Changing on the Inside, p. 44-46].
These barriers to love began to be broken down when he was forty-four as a result of a vision of
the nail-pierced hands of Christ reaching out to him. Though he was a Christian, he found he was
paralyzed, unable to take those hands, to receive that love. That motivated him to seek wholeness.
He continues, "As I write I am in my sixty-sixth year. Over the years since that night, the barriers I
had erected against love have been gradually lowered. During the last three years, I have
experienced a rapid acceleration in this process" [Ibid., p. 47].
Did you notice? It took Dr. White more than twenty years to be able to change his inability to
receive love!
Homosexuality is also difficult to change. Psychologist D. Charles Williams writes, "In working
with homosexuals, my experience is that they can make a shift in sexual orientation if they are
interested and motivated.... Changing their sexual orientation will be perhaps the hardest thing they
ever try to do" [Forever a Father, Always a Son, p. 160]. Dr. James Dobson states, "...Contrary to
what you've heard, homosexuality can be treated successfully when the individual desperately
wants to change" [Love Must Be Tough, p. 163].
God forbid that these words should discourage anyone who honestly wants change. God grant that
they may alert anyone who expects to be changed by coming to a few meetings to the fact that it
will take much more than that to find freedom from homosexuality!
(2) Determine to work diligently at your recovery. Failure to work hard is the reason many never
find what they seek.
Dr. Albert Ellis, who successfully treated many homosexual patients, nonetheless wrote,
"Homosexuals are even more difficult to treat than most other psychotherapy patients for several
reasons. They frequently do not admit that they are basically disturbed, but insist that only society
is disturbed... They often enjoy their homosexual acts...and therefore cannot look upon these acts
as disturbing symptoms. They wrongly believe that they were born to be homosexual and that there
is nothing unusual or aberrant about their being fixed deviants. When they come for therapy, they
usually want to tackle their other symptoms—such as their anxieties, depressions, and guilt—but
want to leave their homosexuality alone. They are usually evaders or goofers, and tend to work
very little on their therapy, just as they work little at many other aspects of their lives"
[Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, p. 111-112].
Before you get angry, ask yourself how much of what he is saying is true in your own case. Are
you faithfully attending all your meetings? Have you asked someone to be your step coach? Are
you doing a question a day in your workbook? Have you been completing the assignments at the
end of each step? Are you consistent in all this or is your recovery a matter of fits and starts, now
and then? If these questions hurt your conscience, own the problem and make the changes that get
your feet firmly planted on the road to freedom!
(3) Determine to give recovery first place in your life. The biblical word for recovery is
sanctification—seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). Anyone
who wants freedom from compulsive, addictive behavior has to engage in other obligations and
pleasures after they have been to their meeting, done their workbook, and met with their step
coach. As Anne Wilson Schaff says, "All the recovery programs say that in order to recover, we
have to be willing to put our sobriety first" [Escape From Intimacy, p. 130].
(4) Determine that you will follow directions! The famous psychologist Alfred Adler is said to
have put an ad in the paper claiming that he could cure anyone of any mental or emotional
difficulty in just fourteen days if they would do just what he told them to. A woman who was
extremely lonely came to see him. He told her he could cure her loneliness in just fourteen days if
she would follow his advice. She was not very enthusiastic, but asked, "What do you want me to
do?" Adler replied, "If you will do something for someone else every day for fourteen days, at the
end of that time your loneliness will be gone." The woman objected strongly, "Why should I do
anything for someone else? No one ever does anything for me." Adler supposedly responded
jokingly, "Well, maybe it will take you twenty-one days" [Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline, p. 26].
As John Churton Collins put it, "To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it"
[The Book of Unusual Quotations, p. 6].
Others have walked the road you are treading before you. They have learned lessons which can
profit you. Unless they tell you to do something clearly contrary to Scripture, follow their
instructions. You may find some of the greatest helps to recovery in their words.
When I started in recovery, I had a counselor who told me to share my story with the pastor of a
church I had visited. That was the last thing in the world I wanted to do! I'd spent much of my life
hiding what he asked me to reveal. However, I wanted to get well. Therefore, with sweaty palms
and knocking knees I went to see the pastor, shared my story, and found love and support which is
one of the key elements in where I am today.
(5) Determine to undo your defensive detachment and build healthy friendships. Dr. Elizabeth
Moberly, a brilliant research psychologist, after eight years of research, found that homosexual
strugglers were hurt as children in their relationship with their same-sex parent. To protect
themselves from further hurt, they put up an emotional wall (defensive detachment) against that
parent and others of the same sex. This wall, not the hurt, is the cause of a homosexual struggle.
While it may have protected from further hurt, it also blocked the fulfillment of same-sex, parentchild emotional needs for love, dependency/security, and identity. They entered puberty with these
needs unmet and when the strong sexual urges of puberty came, they fused with their unmet
emotional needs and homosexual feelings were the outcome. How can this be changed?
"The persisting defensiveness vis-à-vis the love source is to be overcome and undone; in addition,
the growth missed out through the disruption of attachment is to be made up for. It would be wrong
to assume that the undoing of the defensive barrier would itself mark the resolution of the overall
problem. The person in question would still be in a state of incomplete growth until such time as
this would be completed through the medium of a renewed attachment. The restoration of
attachment does not instantly resolve the problem, since an attachment is a means (towards
completion of growth) and not an end in itself. But the restoration of attachment begins to solve the
problem, and without this the problem can never be solved" [Elizabeth Moberly, Psychogenesis, p.
70].
Someone may object, "That's just psychology!" If so, it is simply telling you to obey Christ. Listen
to Him! "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that
ye also love one another" (John 13:33). Seek to develop with several people of the same sex the
same open, tender, warm, caring, love Christ had with His disciples—a relationship in which love
was joyfully given and received. If your experience is like mine, you will find, over several years,
new freedom from homosexual longings.
(6) Determine to recognize progress as you make it. A good friend started recovery when I did. He
often lamented, "I'm not getting anywhere!" I'd point out what he was like when he first started and
how different he was now, listing specific changes. Sadly, he could not see progress until I pointed
it out. Why?
Sometimes we don't see our progress because we engage in "all-or-nothing" or perfectionistic
thinking. As Dr. Albert Ellis said: "...If a male compulsively lusts after 12-year-old girls and tries
to have coitus only with such girls, he is definitely fixated on this kind of sexuality, is often phobic
in relation to sex affairs with older girls, and is therefore disturbed. If, through psychotherapy, he
loses his reluctance to have intercourse with older girls, and if he can easily keep his hands off 12year-olds, we would normally consider him 'cured'—even though he still had some amount of
attraction to younger girls and sometimes thought about copulating with them. So the realistic goal
in the treatment of confirmed homosexuals is not the complete eradication of their desires for
members of their own sex but placing such desires in their proper perspective: as a relatively minor
part of the general sex drives of the treated individual" [Op. cit., p. 112-113].
While some strugglers no longer have any problem with homosexual attraction, we are not
promised freedom from temptation in this life. We are promised freedom from sin! Don't let
temptation blind you to the work God is doing in your life, lest you fail to give Him the glory He
deserves!
Others fail to see their progress because they measure themselves against false ideals of
masculinity or femininity. "Much of what we...call straight is...crooked by God's definition.... It
isn't God's plan to lead you out of one lust into another. The process of change...involves an
unlearning of the homosexual condition, and then a learning...of the heterosexual one. It is
important to realize that much of what passes as normal heterosexual drive and desire is also
fallen" [Ed Hurst with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, p. 92-93].
Others measure their insides by other people's outsides and thus always come up short. When they
develop emotionally intimate relationships with others of the same sex, they are often amazed to
find that they too have difficulty feeling secure in their masculinity or femininity and that such
struggles do not prove one is not heterosexual, but only that we are fallen and nothing in our lives
is perfect yet.
Still others have been emotionally abused and can think of themselves only in negative terms.
Anything positive does not match their internal picture of themselves and is therefore rejected as
impossible.
Whatever the problem, work it through so you can see change as it takes place and be encouraged.
Otherwise you will be robbed of all hope and sink into despair and worse.
(7) Determine to enjoy your recovery and continue in it until you have achieved your goals. Too
many fall into the trap of which "General A. W. Greely once wrote, 'heights charm us; the paths
that lead to them do not" [Halford E. Luccock, The Acts of the Apostles in Present-Day Preaching
II, p. 3]. We moan and groan and feel sorry for ourselves. As A. W. Tozer said, "Among those sins
most exquisitely fitted to injure the soul and destroy the testimony, few can equal the sin of
complaining" [The Next Chapter After the Last, p. 15].
Far better to have the attitude of one of the men in our chapter. He recently came to one of our
meetings excited that working on his recovery was not only helping him understand himself, but
others who were around him. He was finding opportunities to be used of God in ways he had not
dreamed possible. He was not full of self-pity; he was full of praise! That's always an excellent
sign.
C. S. Lewis wrote, "I had not noticed how the humblest, and at the same time most balanced and
capacious minds praised most, while cranks, misfits, and malcontents praise least.... Except where
intolerably adverse circumstances interfere, praise almost seems to be inner health made audible"
[Reflections on the Psalms, p. 94]. As Alexander Whyte has said, "...Praise—pure, emancipated,
enraptured, adoring praise,—is the supremest and the most perfect of all kinds of prayer" [Lord,
Teach Us To Pray, p. 157].
It is only as you learn praise and gratitude in your recovery that you will discover "the joy of the
Lord is your strength" (Nehemiah 8:10) and will be enabled to keep at it until recovery is complete.
You may need professional counseling or other help. Whatever it takes, keep going on with joy
until you either achieve your goal or reach heaven trying!
(2)
While we can slow and even frustrate our recovery by not diligently working the steps, it is not
true that we have complete control over or responsibility for the rate of our recovery. Sometimes
the pace of recovery is simply God's way of bringing us to maturity in Christ.
Dr. Richard C. Halverson writes: "God has a schedule. There is a when as well as a what to
God's will. We are not really submitting to God's will until we submit to the when as well as to
the what, even—especially—if we do not know how long the wait will be. It may be just as
wrong to say 'Now' as to say 'No' to God. God's schedule often involves waiting. The Bible is
full of stories about people who waited. Sarah waited for ninety years to give birth to her muchdesired son, Isaac. The grieving Jacob waited for years in protracted mourning before learning
his son, Joseph, was still alive. Joseph waited for years in prison before being elevated to the
second-most important post in Pharaoh's government. Moses waited forty years in the wilderness
to be prepared to lead Israel. Israel waited with the Red Sea in front of them and the Egyptian
army in hot pursuit behind them until God miraculously opened the waters for them to pass
through. Waiting can be difficult, but it can be very good. 'Be still before the Lord and wait
patiently for him,' says the psalmist (Psalm 37:7). Isaiah promises, 'Those who wait for the LORD
shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be
weary, they shall walk and not faint' (Isaiah 40:32 NRSV)" [The Living Body: The Church Christ
Is Building, p. 77-78].
Those seeking freedom from homosexuality must face reality. "Just as ordinary psychological
growth takes many years (roughly the first two decades of life), so it is quite reasonable to expect
reparative growth to take at least a few years in cases where some significant aspect of growth has
been checked since an early age. One cannot expect a child to grow up overnight, or without
experiencing sufficient parental care during the long process of growth. Yet this is what is often
expected of persons who are psychologically pre-adult even though they have attained adult years.
Rapid, if not instant, growth is expected, and this without the provision of relationships, which
constitute the normal and necessary means of growth. But to expect growth to bypass the normal
need for time and for parent-child relationships is certainly unreasonable.... No-one would think of
praying for a young child to grow up straightaway... ...Yet it is precisely this point that tends to be
overlooked in questions of psychological healing. Just as it takes years for a young child to grow
up, years may be needed for the process of psychological growth when this was checked in a major
respect in early life. Time is needed, as are relationships through which pre-adult needs may be
satisfied" [Elizabeth Moberly, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, p. 49-50].
Not only is recovery a matter of time normally, the process of waiting can be a spiritual blessing, if
we will allow it to be.
Waiting tests faith and the testing of faith which is endured brings great reward. As Thomas
Keating notes, "God embraces us with both arms. With the left He humbles us; with the right He
lifts us up and consoles us. If you want to be fully embraced by the Lord, you have to accept both
arms: the one that allows suffering for the sake of purification and the one that brings the joy of
union. When you feel physical pain or when psychological struggles are persecuting you, you
should think that God is hugging you extra tightly. Trials are an expression of His love, not of
rejection" [Union Life, (November/ December 1997), p. 20].
"We may, indeed, be sure that perfect chastity—like perfect charity—will not be attained by any
merely human efforts. You must ask for God's help. Even when you have done so, it may seem to
you for a long time that no help, or less help than you need is being given. Never mind. After each
failure, ask forgiveness, pick yourself up, and try again. Very often what God first helps us towards
is not the virtue itself but just this power of trying again. For however important chastity (or
courage, or truthfulness, or any other virtue) may be, this process trains us in habits of the soul that
are more important still. It cures our illusions about ourselves and teaches us to depend on God.
We learn, on the one hand, that we cannot trust ourselves even in our best moments, and, on the
other, that we need not despair even in our worst, for our failures are forgiven. The only fatal thing
is to sit down content with anything less than perfection" [C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p. 86].
"An ancient Chinese proverb says, 'Patience is power. With time and patience, the mulberry leaf
becomes silk'" [Peter Ustinov in Les and Leslie Parrott, Relationships 101, p. 110]. This is
certainly true when it comes to finding freedom from homosexuality!
Dr. Irving Bieber, in the most complete study of homosexual recovery done to date, worked with
77 psychoanalysts who were treating 106 male homosexuals, many of whom were not seeking
freedom, and found that only 7 percent of those patients whose analyses were of fewer than 150
hours became heterosexual; 23 percent of the patients whose analyses were of 150 to 349 hours
became heterosexual; while 47 percent of those who had 350 or more therapeutic sessions
achieved the shift to heterosexuality. He wrote, "These statistics are not necessarily final since 26
H-patients who had not become heterosexual were still in analysis at the time of the last follow-up
report. Some patients in this group may yet become heterosexual as a result of continuing
treatment. All such additional 'terminated heterosexual' cases would necessarily fall into the 'more
than 350 hours' category and the 47 percent rate for this category would rise" [Homosexuality: A
Psychoanalytic Study, p. 278].
These findings are especially heartening to those seeking freedom from homosexuality when they
remember that "in 1967 the American Psychoanalytic Association released their...long-term
sociologic and statistical study of the results of treatment by psychoanalysis and analytic
psychotherapy. While 97% of the patients were judged by their therapists to have improved in total
functioning, and a similar number of patients agreed, the over all rate of symptom cure was only
twenty-seven per cent" [Karl Lewin, Brief Encounters, Brief Psychotherapy, p. 250]. This means
that those who seek freedom from homosexuality have a far greater chance of recovery than those
in therapy for other conditions—if they have a good support group, work the steps diligently, find a
skilled therapist, and persevere!
Thus the real question is not why is my recovery taking so long, but will I continue to trust Christ
no matter how long He takes to conform me to His own image? Here, as always in the Christian
life, the rule is, "According to your faith be it unto you" (Matthew 9:29)!
John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
"You will often hear men say...: 'If a man believes in Christ in the secrecy of his heart, even if he
never confesses Him or says anything about it, God yet knows what is in his heart, and will accept
him on the ground of the faith which he never confesses.' I challenge any man to show me one line
in this book that countenances such a statement.... You say, 'Does not faith save?' Yes, and faith
confesses; and the faith that does not lead to confession is no faith, and the faith that does not lead to
confession will not lead to salvation" [R. A. Torrey, Revival Addresses, p. 155-156].
"We Christians are left in the world to witness, and while we have breath we must speak to men
about God and to God about men" [A. W. Tozer, Born After Midnight, p. 35].
"Christ must be Lord or He will not be Savior" [A. W. Tozer, The Root of the Righteous, p. 86].
AA provides terrific help for alcoholics, but "AA's own surveys suggest that about half of those who
come to the program are gone within three months. Studies that follow people who have undergone
treatment for alcoholism find that...a year after entering treatment, about half the participants are
still in trouble. Nevertheless, AA has several components that may maximize the chance of success.
In general, most alcoholics do well while they are being actively treated. In AA, members are
supposed to attend 90 meetings in the first 90 days, followed by three meetings a week for life"
["Does Therapy Help?" Consumer Reports, (November 1995), p.738].
“In recent years there has been strong opposition to ministries like Regeneration. Those for whom
our ministries did not ‘work’ are held up as shining examples of why we should not exist.
Interestingly, no one attempts to use those who do not succeed at overcoming drugs and alcohol as
justification for shutting down substance abuse recovery programs (which have about a 30%
success rate). Instead, we all understand that these statistics simply reveal how truly difficult it is to
overcome life-dominating struggles. And this holds true for our support groups as well” [Bob
Ragan, “Fifteen Years of Observation,” Regeneration News, (May 2003), p. 1].
“The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through the world. There will most
likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen
our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along;
people who will appreciate our compassion, our encouragement, who will need our unique talents.
Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give.
Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest
compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. It’s
overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt” [Leo
Buscaglia, Born to Love (Slack) in Reader’s Digest, (March 1993), p. 177].
"Trusting ourselves or the people around us to be...invulnerable to relapse is just plain old denial"
[Pat Means, "Toxic Trust," Steps, Vol. 8, No. 4, (Winter 1997), p. 4].
A BEACON!
A beacon, according to Webster’s New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, is “any light for
warning or guiding.” The famous designer, Calvin Klein, recently provided men and women
recovering from any type of addiction with such a warning.
With only two minutes and sixteen seconds left in a recent New York Knicks’ game, “Klein
grabbed Latrell Sprewell’s arm and started muttering while the Knicks’ star was trying to
inbound the ball” [The Reading Eagle, (April 8, 2003), p. C-5].
Two weeks later Klein “checked himself into a rehab for an undisclosed substance problem”
[Idem.]
“’For many years, I’ve been able to successfully address my substance-abuse issues, which for
anyone is a lifelong process, through strict adherence to counseling and regular attendance at
meetings,’ the designer, 60, said in a statement. ‘However, when I recently stopped attending
meetings regularly, I suffered a setback.’” [Idem.]
There are a number of important lessons to be learned from Mr. Klein’s sad experience.
First, as individuals, let us beware the danger of which Jeremiah warned when he cried, “They
have healed also the hurt of the daughter of my people slightly, saying, Peace, peace; where there
is no peace” (Jeremiah 6:14; 8:11).
Too many attend a few meetings, do a little in the workbook, and then proclaim they are
delivered. When the deliverance turns out to be spurious, they say there is no hope for them
(sometimes they say for anyone) and abandon themselves to homosexuality.
Dr. Robert Spitzer, in his landmark study of 200 men and women who had experienced a
significant shift from homosexual to heterosexual attraction and whose shift had lasted for at
least five years, found that “typically the change effort had not produced significant results for
the subjects during the first two years.” [Joseph and Linda Nicolosi, A Parent’s Guide to
Preventing Homosexuality, p. 141] So don’t assume you’re somehow special and don’t need to
patiently work your program. “Ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of
God, ye might receive the promise” (Hebrews 10:36).
Second, as a movement, let us learn the folly of setting deadlines giving the time in which we
say people must be recovered. As the HA workbook, Lord, Set Me Free! says, “We all have
differing struggles and recover on different schedules. Some of us are acting out. All have
problems with thoughts. Some are out of control. Others gain and lose command of themselves
several times as they work the Steps. Recovery begins for some with a certain Step while it may
not come for others until all the Steps have been worked. Healing may be sudden or gradual. We
are all unique.
“We must be patient with ourselves and each other and trust God to heal us in the way best for
each one” [Lord, Set Me Free! (Reading, PA: 1994), p. 53]. Part of that trust in God is being
willing to keep our doors and our hearts open to those whose recovery is slow in coming.
Trusting means never giving up hope for someone after six months, two years, or one hundred
years, telling them that they are no longer welcome. Faith involves letting God be God, letting
Him set His time-table for recovery, and waiting patiently for Him to do it for us and for others
in His “good time”. It means refusing to turn our backs on anyone who says he or she wants
help, but standing by them for however long it may take for them to find the glorious liberty of
the sons and daughters of God that is there for them in Christ.
Third, let us learn from this story to keep relapses in perspective. When Calvin Klein suffered
his “setback” no one told him, “That proves you cannot get free. You were born this way. Drug
addict is who you are. Stop fighting it. Learn to live with it, to celebrate addiction as God’s gift
to you! You are only going to do psychological damage to yourself by taking any other course.
There is no hope for change for you!”
If anyone had dared spout such nonsense, the whole world would have come down on him or
her. Yet that same nonsense is thrown at those strugglers who seek change, but who also
experience “setbacks.”
Don’t let the relapses of others or those you experience yourself rob you of your help in Christ!
Do what Calvin Klein did. “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start back over again!”
Finally, let us ever take to heart the warning of Scripture, “Let him that thinketh he standeth take
heed lest he fall” (I Corinthians 10:12). Old, addictive patterns are still a reality. The devil has
not been put out of business yet. The world is still trying to draw each of us into the worship of
sex. Our flesh still looks for opportunities to reassert itself. All who struggle with any
compulsive, addictive behavior battle a “cunning, baffling, and powerful” adversary. We must
never forget, as Alcoholics Anonymous warns, we may have another relapse, but we may not
have another recovery. Our addictions will kill us if we let them.
Therefore, let us “watch and pray that” we “enter not into temptation” remembering that “the
spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” (Matthew 26:41). Let us be “steadfast, unmovable, always
abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labor is not in vain in the
Lord” (I Corinthians 15:58). “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall
reap, if we faint not” (Galatians 6:9)
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“He who lives without discipline dies without honor.” [Icelandic proverb in Reader’s Digest, (June
1996), p. 51]
"The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them.... Many
people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these
Christians are talking when they should be listening. But he who can no longer listen to his brother
will soon no longer be listening to God either." [Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, p. 97]
GOOD QUESTIONS!
Every year we send out slips asking if people are still at their same address and if they want to
continue receiving the Newsletter. We give a place on those slips for suggestions or comments.
We got several back last year that we suspect represent questions many of you may have. So
we’ll answer them here.
Several folk asked us to start a chapter in their area or said that their area needed a chapter.
These represent a misunderstanding of what we do.
We do not start chapters! We help people who have made progress in their recovery, have grown
in Christ enough to care deeply about serving others, and who therefore want to start a chapter in
their area so that other strugglers may have more help then they had recovering. We develop
literature for them, list their chapter with our 800 number and on the HA webpage, tell them how
to let strugglers in their area know that a chapter is there for those who want support in seeking
freedom from homosexuality in Christ, offer seminars and the HA Conference to assist them in
helping others, give the HA Training Seminar to teach them “how to do it”, and offer phone
counsel should they run into difficulties along the way.
One need not have struggled with homosexuality to start a chapter. Friends and family members
of strugglers can do an excellent work if they have the heart to love God and strugglers. If you
want a chapter in your area, pray about starting one. Order an HA Policy and Advisory Manual
and read it. Attend an HA Training Seminar.
If God’s people would seek His face, love His hurting children, and do His will, there would be
literally hundreds more chapters than we have now. Didn’t Jesus say, “The harvest truly is
plenteous, but the laborers are few”? Then He told them to pray (Matthew 9:37,38) and go
(Matthew 10:1-7). He still calls, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?” Will you say,
“Here am I; send me” (Isaiah 6:8)?
A brother in the Lord asks, “Do you know of any books on evangelism to gay neighbors?”
So far as I know, there is no book on the subject nor is there even a chapter on it in books written
about how to witness in general. Why?
First, there is no special gospel for people who struggle with homosexuality. The gospel is not,
“Clean up your life and you can be saved,” but “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt
be saved (Acts 16:31). The Bible teaches, “There is no difference: for all have sinned and come
short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:22b, 23). “This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all
acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief” (I
Timothy 1:15). “When we were yet without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly”
(Romans 5:6). “God commendeth His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ
died for us” (Romans 5:8). “God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that
whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His
Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved. He
that believeth on His is not condemned...” (John 3:16-18a). “Whosoever shall call upon the name
of the Lord shall be saved” (Romans 10:13). And God has and does save homosexual persons
from the guilt and the power of their sins. “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the
kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers
nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor
slanderers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were
washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the
Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:9-11 NIV, emphasis ours).
The gospel the apostles preached saved and still saves homosexual strugglers (and those who
struggle with all manner of other sins) who, by God’s grace, will go to Christ that they may be
saved from the guilt and the power of sin. Please do all in your power to carry the message to
them and let us help you with their nurture when they look to Christ!
Another reason there may be a lack of literature on evangelizing people who struggle with
homosexuality is that there is no hard and fast method of reaching out to them. As no good
counselor would use the same approach with every client no matter what the problem, so no one
should approach every lost man or woman in some mechanical way.
Note how differently Christ approached a lost man who was very religious (John 3) and a lost
woman who was full of shame (John 4). He was blunt with the proud Pharisee, sweeping away
all he trusted in by telling him he could not even see the Kingdom of God unless he was born
again—unless he received spiritual life from God! He was tender and patient with the woman
who had been married five times and was now living with a man to whom she was not married.
He knew that people in her village had hurt her by words and self-righteous attitudes (why else
would she come for water at noon when the sun was hottest and no one else would be there?).
The situation of the one to whom He spoke dictated His approach.
Unfortunately for those who would witness to people with a homosexual problem, Christians
have often made the task needlessly difficult. The one to whom you would witness has probably
experienced ridicule, hostility, self-righteousness and a host of other sinful responses which he or
she wrongly supposes are what Christianity calls for and reflect the attitude of God toward him
or her. This means that the one who would witness must take time to prove he or she is one in
whom the person who needs Christ can safely trust before being direct about the needs of the
soul who they seek to win.
Remember, the one you seek to win is starving for love (often confused with sex) they didn’t get
from their same-sex parent. Love is the key to open the barred door to their hearts. “What if they
have sexual feelings for me?” some ask. It’s unlikely they will approach you in that way, but, if
it should happen, tell them you love them, but not in that way, and that such behavior would
really be taking advantage of their neediness, something you would never do. Then proceed as if
nothing important had happened. If you don’t make a big deal of it, they probably won’t either.
Finally, trust God to work. You can’t open sin-blinded eyes or re-place stony hearts with hearts
tender to Christ. He can! Tom Stribling died of AIDS as a result of homosexual behavior. He
came to Christ and spent the rest of his life helping homosexual people and people with AIDS.
Roger, one to whom he ministered, asked “whether or not God is displeased with the way I’ve
chosen to live my life.” Tom said, “...My initial impulse was to jump in and tell him that God
does not approve of the homosexual lifestyle, and that God had told me it was wrong. As I
started to say a few words to that effect, I saw him stiffen up and even inch away from me in his
bed. It occurred to me that I was taking the wrong approach, so I caught myself. Instead, I simply
said, ‘Roger, I think that if you really want to know the answer to that question, God will reveal
it to you. He’ll let you know if he has been displeased.’” When Tom next saw him, Roger said,
“’I believe God has revealed something to me. I don’t want my lover to hear this, but I don’t
think God has been very pleased with my choice of homosexuality. I’d like you to pray with me.’
I bowed my head and began by mentioning the need for repentance. Roger picked right up on
what I was saying, and prayed to God in his own words: ‘God, please forgive me of all my sins,
including the way I have lived my life. I’m very sorry, and I hope that you’ll forgive me. I want
Christ to come into my heart.’”
Tom rejoiced in Roger’s salvation and noted, “Meeting Roger served to remind me that anyone
can be spiritually hungry and that the grace of God excludes no one.” [Thomas B. Stribling with
Verne Becker, Love Broke Through, p. 176-177]
May God give you the love and the spiritual wisdom to carry the message to needy men and
women!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“Love is the key from first to last. It was God who, in his love, gave us sex. In his love, he also gave
us boundaries. His heart must break when he sees the mess we have gotten ourselves into. In his
love he sent Jesus to bring us forgiveness and the power to resist temptation and also to change. We
are called to be like him and to go out and love as he loved.” [Nicky Gumbel, What Is The Christian
Attitude toward Homosexuality? p. 24]
“Many men seeking to overcome homosexuality become frustrated and discouraged when they
find that their feelings and attractions don’t change as quickly or substantially as they had hoped.
I believe that the reason these men become frustrated is because their efforts at change are not
broad enough. By this I mean that their work, however intense and sincere, has not covered
enough areas of life to bring about real change. For instance, a man might focus on overcoming
sexual addiction but spend no time building healthy relationships with other men. Or, he may work
on spiritual healing but give little attention to healing his emotional wounds.” [David A Matheson,
“Four Principles of Growth,” NARTH Bulletin, (Winter 2006), p. 4]
“AIDS and those behaviors with which AIDS is associated are not so much a judgment on drug
addicts and homosexuals as on society and the church.” [John White, Eros Redeemed: Breaking
the Stranglehold of Sexual Sin, p. 153]
“The modern talk about sex being free like any other sense, about the body being beautiful like
any tree or flower, is either a description of the Garden of Eden or a piece of thoroughly bad
psychology, of which the world grew weary two thousand years ago.” [Malcolm Muggeridge
quoted in Francis Frangipane, The Three Battlegrounds, p. 100]
THE STEP NOT TAKEN!
What would you say of a person who got sick, went to a doctor, was told to take penicillin for
fourteen days, felt better, stopped medication after twelve days, got sick again, was mad at the
doctor and said that since he hadn't gotten well, no one could recover! "Absurd!" you say? Yet this
describes many who want freedom from homosexuality but never take the fourteenth step—they
don't carry the message to others and they don't continue working their program! Why?
For many, the problem is selfishness. Most of us come to HA looking for help for ourselves. That is
as it should be. To recover, however, we must learn not to focus exclusively on ourselves, but also
to love God and others. That's not just the message of recovery; it's the message of the Bible!
An expert in the law once asked Our Lord, "Which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said
unto him (and us!), Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and
with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou
shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" (Matthew 22:35-39). The Apostle Paul said, "Each of you should
look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4 NIV).
How different the attitude of some who say, "I can't wait until this whole ugly business is behind
me!" If they mean, "I can't wait to stop engaging in behavior the Scripture says is sinful," well and
good! Too often, however, they long to escape not so much the sinning as the shame. While they
would never say these words, their attitude is, "God, please get me out of this so I can feel good.
Don't ask me to help others. I want to forget!"
That's not what the Bible says God's help is all about. Listen to this! "Blessed be God, even the
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth
us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, with the
comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God" (II Corinthians 1:3,4). God comforts us, not
just to make us comfortable, but also to make us comforters!
John Newton, author of that wonderful hymn, "Amazing Grace," did not let shame keep him from
acknowledging his sin and God's mercy to him, that God might be glorified and others blessed.
When he was nearly 80, after many years of preaching, he was advised to retire because of failing
eyesight. He cried, "What! shall the old African blasphemer stop while he can speak" [E. E. Ryden,
The Story of Christian Hymnody, p. 304]? "...When his memory was nearly gone, (he) used to say
that forget what he might, he never forgot two things—firstly, That he was a great sinner; secondly,
That Jesus Christ was a great Savior" [John Whitecross, The Shorter Catechism Illustrated, p. 37].
He composed his own epitaph, which can still be seen on a tablet in St. Mary's Woolnoth, London,
where he served for many years: "JOHN NEWTON, clerk, once an Infidel and Libertine, a servant
of slavers in Africa, was, by the rich Mercy of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, preserved, restored,
pardoned, and appointed to preach the Faith he had so long labored to destroy" [Ryden, op. cit., p.
303].
John Bunyan, author of Pilgrim's Progress, did not let shame keep him from acknowledging his sin
and God's mercy to him, that God might be glorified and others blessed. His past had been so sinful
that for a time he believed he could not be forgiven. He wrote his struggle in a book he titled, Grace
Abounding to the Chief of Sinners: or, A brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in
Christ to his poor servant, John Bunyan; namely, in his taking of him out of the dung-hill and
converting of him to the faith of his blessed Son, Jesus Christ. Here is also particularly showed,
what sight of, and what trouble he had for sin; and also what various temptations he hath met with,
and how God hath carried him through them. This classic has comforted literally thousands.
David, King of Israel, did not let the shame of his adultery with Bathsheba and his part in the death
of her husband keep him from proclaiming God's mercy to him, that God might be glorified and
others blessed. Instead he wrote two psalms for all Israel to sing, sobbing out his repentance in
Psalm 51 and singing his joy at God's pardon in Psalm 32, and sinning men and women have been
helped for thousands of years.
Paul, the Apostle, did not let shame keep him from acknowledging his sin and God's mercy to him,
that God might be glorified and others blessed. He openly confessed that he had been "a blasphemer
and a persecutor" (I Timothy 1:13) and, rejoicing that "Christ Jesus came into the world to save
sinners", added, "of whom I am chief" (I Timothy 1:15). He continued, "But for that very reason I
was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited
patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life" (I Timothy
1:16 NIV). "Paul seems to speak to us across the centuries: 'Don't despair! Christ had mercy even on
me, the worst of sinners; he can also have mercy on you!'" [John R. W. Stott, Guard the Truth, p.
55]
What about us? We're not commanded to carry a placard proclaiming our struggle. Still, when God
gives an opportunity to glorify His grace and do good to a fellow human being, we are called to do
it. To push the opportunity away is to push recovery away!
Another way selfishness can show itself is seen in the sentence: "I want to get on with my life!"
When you think about it, that statement is really foolish!
In the first place, it is not our life if we are Christians! "What? know ye not that your body is the
temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye
are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's" (I
Corinthians 6:19,20). As George MacDonald warned, "The one principle of hell is—I am my own"
[Unspoken Sermons (Series Three), p. 102].
Ask yourself, "Why should God deliver me when I have no intention of helping others find
freedom? Why should God continue to hold me up if my attitude is, "Now that I'm out of the pit, I'll
forget about others who are still trapped!"? Why should God care for you when you are all you
really care about? Is this the love of Christ that proves you are His disciple (see John 13:34,35)?
In the second place, none of us can safely forget the past and act as if it has no power over the
present. Doesn't the Bible warn, "Wherefore, let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall"
(I Corinthians 10:12)? As J. Keith Miller says about recovery from any form of addictive behavior,
"If I quit doing the things I am learning how to do to recover..., quit turning loose each day, quit
meeting with other recovering people and doing the daily inventory and praying the simple prayers I
pray, I know that I will slip back into my grandiose, self-centered, and frustrated life. I know this
because it has happened. And now I am convinced that God's love and grace are like the manna he
gave the Hebrews in the desert. They had to gather it every day. It rotted and spoiled if they tried to
store it (Exod. 16:19,20)" [Sin: Overcoming the Ultimate Deadly Addiction, p. 140].
These words of Christ have not been abrogated: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny
himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but
whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it" (Mark 8:34,35 NIV). "Then as now,
some wanted a Messiah who would meet all their own needs and desires; but Jesus turned out to be
a Messiah who demands shameful death to self-interest. Self-fulfillment, even in following Jesus the
Messiah, depends on self-abnegation; whereas pursuit of self-interest results only in frustration,
death, and judgment when the Son of Man comes again..." [D. A. Carson, God With Us: Themes
from Matthew, p. 101].
"...Unless we share this message, God seems to have arranged things so that we can't keep the
recovery and serenity we are discovering. Unless we can 'deny ourselves' enough...to give away the
love, the concern, and the message of hope, and unless we invite people into the family of Sinners
who are recovering, sooner or later we will slowly and imperceptibly close the doorway and lose the
authentic spiritual life and growth in our own experience" [J. Keith Miller, A Hunger For Healing,
p. 209].
Let us then live and minister in the spirit of James Telford who cried, "I go gladly on this mission
and shall rejoice if I may but give my body as one of the stones to pave the road into interior Africa,
and my blood to cement the stones together, so that others may pass into Congoland'" [The
Speaker's Bible VII, p. 88].
While selfishness has kept thousands from learning to care for others, fear has kept tens of
thousands from being a blessing. Failure to thoroughly work steps 8-10 explains the unmortified
selfishness which hinders us. Failure to thoroughly work step 11 explains the unmortified fear
which may be keeping us in bondage.
You may be saying, "I'm not selfish. I really care about people in pain and want to help them."
What's stopping you? Get your journal and honestly evaluate what hinders you. See if any of these
thoughts hit home.
Are you afraid of exposure? Have you failed to open your heart and life to trustworthy people close
to you, asking for their support as you seek freedom from homosexuality? To fail to declare our sins
to those who should know of them is to doom ourselves to live in isolation with those sins. That
kind of isolation makes healing and growth virtually impossible.
I'm not suggesting carrying a placard announcing your struggle to the world. I'm saying that a vital
part of recovery is letting go of toxic shame by opening up to wisely chosen people who can
encourage you on the journey to freedom.
Sadly, some never tell anyone about their struggles and failures. Others only tell people in their
chapter, but are never honest with non-strugglers who can sometimes offer help strugglers can't.
Others reveal only part of the truth, saying they once struggled with homosexuality when they are
really trembling on the verge of a fall or are actually engaging in homosexual behavior. As someone
said, "A half truth is a whole lie!"
All such half-measures avail nothing! They are, in truth, hurtful. They give us the illusion we are
getting closer to people when, in reality, we are blocking intimacy because we fear that if others
knew what was really happening in our lives, they would despise us. We are terrified of being
transparent so no one really knows us because we refuse to trust others. Then we wonder why we
still feel so alone. When that happens, trouble is not far away.
Further, failure to involve people who should know about our struggles robs us of people who could
be helpful accountability partners. Sometimes we limit accountability to others who struggle
because we know they will be sympathetic and that there is really nothing they can do if we
continue to act out. We may feel we can't face life without an occasional "fling", so we protect our
"supply" by keeping our true situation from those whose intervention might require us to make
some tough decisions. Then we deceive ourselves and others by moaning, "I'm doing the best I
can." When that wears thin, we may end up saying there's no way out and abandoning ourselves to
what we know is wrong.
Finally, failure to involve people who should know about our struggles only increases our shame.
We feel more guilty, more phony, and become more afraid of being found out and less able to be
honest with others. We know we are frauds and despise ourselves for it. Our self-esteem plummets
and we become ever more vulnerable to the envy which is a major fuel of homosexual behavior.
Ask yourself honestly, "Am I failing to reach out with help to others because I fear exposure?" If
you feel uncomfortable with the question, work through Step 11 in the HA workbook, Lord, Set Me
Free. Be certain to do all the assignments in the workbook under "HOW YOU CAN WORK STEP
11". As you do so, pray that God will help you develop courage so Satan can never again keep you
from being God's faithful servant. Remember, World War II hero Captain Eddie Rickenbacker said,
"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared" [Bob
Phillips, Powerful Thinking for Powerful Living, p. 65].
As the fear of exposure keeps some from helping other strugglers, fear of failure paralyzes more.
Many of us struggle with deep feelings of inferiority and are afraid to "launch out into the deep" at
God's direction (Luke 5:1-11). We are terrified by the question, "What if it doesn't work?" You can
often hear fear in statements like, "When I'm sure this is God's will for me, I'll do something."
The problem with this need for certainty is that it demands more than God gave even the apostles!
Have you ever noticed, what Paul told the church at Rome? "Now I would not have you ignorant,
brethren, that oftentimes I purposed to come unto you, (but was let (hindered) hitherto)..." (Romans
1:13). He wrote Corinth, "If it seems advisable for me to go also, they ["the men you approve"] will
accompany me. After I go through Macedonia, I will come to you... Perhaps I will stay with you
awhile, or even spend the winter, so that you can help me on my journey, wherever I go. I do not
want to see you now and make only a passing visit; I hope to spend some time with you, if the Lord
permits" (I Corinthians 16:4-7 NIV). He had to defend himself against critics, saying, "I made plans
at first to visit you....on my way to Macedonia and again on my way back... In planning this did I
appear fickle? When I make my plans, do I make them from selfish motives, ready to say 'Yes, yes'
and 'No, no' at the same time?... I call upon God as my witness—he knows my heart! It was in order
to spare you that I decided not to go to Corinth" (II Corinthians 1:15-17,23 GNB). He wrote the
Thessalonians, "...When we were torn away from you for a short time..., out of our intense longing
we made every effort to see you. For we wanted to come to you—certainly I, Paul did, again and
again—but Satan stopped us" (I Thessalonians 2:17,18 NIV).
Consider Paul's second missionary journey. "Paul and his companions traveled throughout the
region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the
province of Asia. When they came to the border of Mysia, they tried to enter Bithynia, but the Spirit
of Jesus would not allow them to. So they passed by Mysia and went down to Troas. During the
night Paul had a vision of a man of Macedonia standing and begging him, 'Come over to Macedonia
and help us'" (Acts 16:6-9).
The point to note is that although the apostles did at times receive special guidance as to what they
were to do, more often they were not given such special guidance but were required to walk by faith
rather than sight. If it was so with them, why should it not be so with us? As G. R. Harding Wood
put it, "We do not find the plan and then follow; rather we follow and thus find" [Through the Bible
Day By Day: St. Matthew To Acts, p. 223].
Fear of failure can also lurk behind the words, "I don't want to get ahead of the Lord." While it's true
that one can run ahead of God (as Moses did when he killed the Egyptian for beating a Hebrew
slave [Exodus 2:11-15]), the Bible also warns about lagging behind the Lord (as Moses did when
God sent him to Pharaoh and he made excuses until "the anger of the Lord was kindled against
Moses" and he obeyed [Exodus 3:1-4:20].
Jeremiah also tried to lag behind God's will. God told him, "I ordained thee a prophet unto the
nations" (Jeremiah 1:5). Jeremiah's response? "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak:
for I am a child" (Jeremiah 1:6). God was not impressed! "But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am
a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt
speak" (Jeremiah 1:7). Then God put His finger on the real problem: "Be not afraid of their faces:
for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the Lord" (Jeremiah 1:8 emphasis mine).
Meditate on the story of Gideon, asking God to show you whether or not your heart is like his. God
gives Gideon a clear command: "Go in this thy might, and thou shalt save Israel from the hand of
the Midianites: have not I sent thee" (Judges 6:14)? Gideon is afraid and protests the weakness of
his clan (Judges 6:15). The Lord replies, "I will be with thee"—surely He is enough (Judges 6:16)!
Not satisfied with God's Word, Gideon asks for a sign. God graciously gives it (Judges 6:17-24).
God tells him to throw down the altar of Baal, but, still fearful, he does so by night. He is discovered
and protected (Judges 7:15-35). Still afraid to do God's will, Gideon asks for another sign (Judges
6:36-38) and another (Judges 6:39-40)! While God mercifully grants his requests, such dallying to
obey was a sign of weak faith—a faith which God later tested that it might be strengthened (Judges
7:1-8). As William Lyon Phelps says of Gideon: "I cannot regard him as a hero; he took no
chances" [Human Nature in the Bible, p. 86].
Has God given us clear direction? Consider: "Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which
are spiritual restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be
tempted" (Galatians 6:1). "Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; let
him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from
death, and shall hide a multitude of sins" (James 5:19,20). "Go ye into all the world, and preach the
gospel to every creature" (Mark 16:15). "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he hath
redeemed from the hand of the enemy" (Psalm 107:2).
Has God been at work in your life setting you free? If so, you have your marching orders! Will you
obey?
--John J.
GOOD IDEA!
I wanted to share with you a new idea we are currently using in our group. We felt the need for
more recognition of members who are free from sexually acting out. We purchased coins from AA.
They are very generic. They have the serenity prayer on one side and a triangle on the other that has
a great message: "Unity, Service and Recovery. To Thine Own Self Be True." They come in colors,
depending upon how long a person has been "sober." We use it as being free from acting out with a
same-sex person. They come from 24 hours to l month, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8, 9,10,11, and one year. Then
they go 1,2,3, etc. years.
One of our members got his two-year coin. I received my sixteen-year coin. They are bronze. We
have a little ceremony. They get to keep each one, but if they fall, they must surrender the ones they
have and start over again at 24 hours. Our hope is that this will be an additional incentive to remain
free.
The coins are really nice! Maybe others would like to follow suit.
--Elton M.
POINTS TO PONDER
“The place of suffering in service and of passion in mission is hardly ever taught today. But the
greatest single secret of evangelistic or missionary effectiveness is the willingness to suffer and
die. It may be a death to popularity (by faithfully preaching the unpopular biblical gospel), or to
pride (by the use of modest methods in reliance on the Holy Spirit), or to racial and national
prejudice (by identification with another culture), or to material comfort (by adopting a simple
lifestyle). But the servant must suffer if he is to bring light to the nations, and the seed must die if
it is to multiply.” [John R. W. Stott, The Cross of Christ, p. 322]
“It seems to me clear that the best way to help people concerning religion today is not only to
present convincing objective reasons to their minds, but also to show them pictures of those who
are finding rich spiritual experiences, pictures which will rather fire their imaginations than
persuade their minds.” [Samuel M. Shoemaker, Twice-Born Ministers, p. 9]
“Nothing will or can restore order till our hearts make the great decision: God shall be exalted
above all else.” [A. W. Tozer in Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical, p. 152]
PEACE!
I recently corresponded with a gay man who had written that change was impossible. I wanted to
help him, to give him hope, so I wrote:
"I will share with you a different story. I suffered most of my life with the homosexual struggle. I
knew in my heart or hearts that this was not the right pathway for me. Over the years I became very
aware of all the heartache that occurs in the gay community. The jealousy, the unfaithfulness, the
loss of mates, the promiscuity that occurs all the time combined, therefore, with depression, alcohol,
and suicide convinced me even more that I did not want to stay there!
"I sought spiritual counsel that assisted me in forgiving myself for the failures in my life. I was such
a perfectionist—out of my own feelings of inadequacy. I became educated about the causes of
homosexuality. I sought the counsel of a psychologist who believed it was possible to change ones
orientation. Difficult to change? Yes!
"I learned to view myself differently. I learned my faulty thinking patterns that had created an
ambivalence in my desires. I eventually learned to be a MAN among MEN. Then I could learn to be
a MAN among WOMEN.
"Today there is such a peace deep within myself. I finally know who I am!! Ever tempted toward
homosexuality? Yes. That's when I drop back into the old patterns of thinking. I have learned how
to change those patterns and overcome temptation. No human being is free from temptation, no
matter what their orientation. To believe we can, in this life, never again be tempted is unrealistic.
We just have to learn how to deal effectively with our temptations no matter what they are.
"I found my God to be real in Christ Jesus, His Son. I have found myself to be a 'whole' person from
the inside out! No longer driven by the old desires. The compulsions are gone. The faulty thinking
has changed. Praise God!
"I don't sit in judgment of those who cannot believe they can change. I do hope for them that they
come to realize they can change.
"In respect of your beliefs,
(Name)."
I wish I could say the outcome was positive. The response was to angrily accuse me of
"regurgitating anti-gay propaganda" and "willful misrepresentation". It's not "nice" being called a
liar, but it doesn't change a thing. I, for once in my life, know WHO I AM. That's all that is
important.
Have you found the joy and peace that comes from rediscovering your true identity? Are you
working toward it?
-Elton M.
A GOOD BEGINNING
Beginning something new is never easy! Laying a good foundation is vitally important!
For me, the call to work with others caught in the homosexual struggle began almost two years
before I actually began to reach out to others. There were things I needed to do to find healing
within my own soul before I could effectively reach out to others. I had enjoyed a place of
leadership and trust and when I failed and was exposed, I was devastated spiritually and
emotionally. I needed to forgive myself for failure before I could help others.
The training conducted by HAFS was very important. I was greatly helped by the instruction given
and by the association with others who were seeking freedom. The Policy and Advisory Manual
gave much good advice which it was important to follow.
In the beginning, I had to take care of the expenses of the chapter myself. Since I could not use my
home phone for the chapter, another telephone line had to be installed. Articles were written for
newspapers and radio announcements were made. Letters had to be written to the clergy,
psychologists, and social service agencies who did counseling. I also registered with the United
Way's Information and Referral. They send information to agencies in the community and refer
persons who might call them for help. Talking with them also gave me several leads to new sources
of information. I placed an ad in the classified section of the newspaper which, though costly,
reached several persons.
It was important for me to contact close friends who would be there for me in prayer and with
encouragement. I felt I could trust six people with my story and they all were there for me. I can't
tell you how helpful it was to be able to call them for prayer when I was trying to help a suicidal
person.
This first step of openness helped me overcome my fears of people knowing about my part in this
ministry and my past life. After more than a year, I have permitted certain others to know my story
and this has opened the doors to more referrals to the group.
While I can't overemphasize the importance of prayer and trusting God in this work, you can't sit
back and say, "God, send them in." Very often, God replies, "Go, do something!" My experience
has been that it is a happy combination of prayer and work that gets a chapter going.
As I have come to know one man in particular in the chapter, he has introduced me to other "gays"
he knows. While most of them are not ready to change now, who knows what may happen in the
future? If someone is not willing to change, I'm still here for them when they are ready!
There are temptations, but I'm learning to face my fears! I was even more tempted when I wasn't
trying to help others, and I'm finding it easier to face temptations now that others know about my
struggle. God is there for me, the HA chapter is there for me, and my friends are there for me!
What I've had to give in terms of time and money has been more than repaid in the emotional
support I now receive and the deep joy I find in helping my fellow-strugglers!
--Elton M.
HOW YOU CAN SEE THAT HA CLOSES!
Someone recently told me of a ministry to help men and women find freedom from
homosexuality that just closed. The man who led the ministry retired, and no one else was
willing to take his place.
That got me thinking! Could this happen to HA? The more I pondered, the more I realized it could, and
that the fate of this movement does not lie mainly with me, or with HA’s Board, but with each of you!
If we want this ministry to continue and to prosper for each of us and for others, there are things
each of us must do, but if we want HA to close, here’s how to do it.
Don’t pray!
The Bible says, “Except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it” (Psalm
127:1a). “Ye have not because ye ask not” (James 4:2b). “Call unto me and I will answer thee
and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not” (Jeremiah 33:3) “exceedlingly
abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20). If you want HA to close, avoid the
throne of grace. If you want it to prosper, pray!
Pray for those who spearhead your chapter. Their work is difficult and often discouraging. They
receive no tangible reward for their labors. They receive no money for their work, but do it
because they love Christ and because they love you. Surely it is not too much to ask that you
express your love for them by asking God every day to bless them and their efforts.
Pray for the person God wants to be our new staff worker. Ask God to make His will clear to
them and to enable them to say, “I was not disobedient unto the heavenly vision” (Acts 26:19).
Pray for HA’s Service Coordinator and those who work with him as volunteers. There is always
more to do than we can get done and we feel the weight of the work greatly. We need God’s
encouragement, wisdom and strength.
Pray for HA’s Board. These godly men and women have a real heart for strugglers and want to
see you helped. Pray that God will enable them to make the time needed to help direct the
ministry, raise funds, and find the new staff person we are seeking.
What is the future of HA? Much depends on whether or not you pray for the work.
Don’t give!
The blessings you or those you love receive from HA cost money as well as sweat. The landlord
wants his rent for our office. The printer wants to be paid for the newsletter and other literature
we make available. The Postal Department wants us to pay postage for the information we send
out. The phone company wants to be paid for the use of the telephone. Our book supplier wants
us to pay for the books we order. Whenever we travel, the gas station wants to be paid for our
fuel and the bus company, train, or airline wants to be paid for the ticket. Our staff, who write the
literature, answer the phones, provide the encouragement, write the checks, speak for the
ministry, organize and work in the conferences and seminars, needs a salary to eat and clothe
themselves and pay their rent. So it goes, on and on.
Where does that money come from? HA gets no government funds. The main source of our
funding is the donations of those we serve. That is, according to the Bible, as it should be.
“Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor”
(Galatians 6:6 NIV).
Unfortunately, many more receive than share. As this article is being written, it seems certain
that, for the second time in fifteen years, we will end the year having had to spend several
thousand dollars more than we received.
Many of you have been wonderfully faithful and we thank you. Still, a fair number of you gave
little or nothing to support this ministry last year. To ask that we make bricks without straw is to
ask what certainly cannot be done well and often can’t be done at all!
What is the future of HA? Much depends on whether or not you give to the work.
Don’t Attend!
Another way you can help close HA it to be irregular in your attendance at meetings.
When you aren’t faithful about attending chapter meetings, you discourage those who spearhead
the chapter, leading them to feel they are failing and their efforts aren’t appreciated. You
discourage newcomers, who are likely to think there is no reason to attend a group which others
do not value, and will follow your example. You rob those who are new to the group of your
experience, strength, and hope and thus retard or perhaps sabotage their recovery. You also slow
or perhaps stall your own recovery which can be helped by a strong chapter. That help, however,
is diluted the weaker your chapter grows.
When you don’t attend HA seminars you rob yourself of information that will speed your
recovery and strengthen your chapter.
When you fail to attend the HA Conference you rob yourself of great fellowship with other
strugglers from whom you can learn much. You also slow the forming of a strong fellowship on
which your recovery and the recovery of so many others is dependent.
What is the future of HA? You cast your vote for closing it when you attend only when
convenient. You cast your vote for its continuance and growth when you are faithful to attend.
Don’t Work!
Many Twelve-Step groups have a saying: “It works, if you work it!”
HA exists to fulfill a goal: to serve Jesus Christ by helping men and women who desire freedom
from homosexuality find it. The key work is “helping.”
Too many who come to HA do not think of the fellowship as their “helper” but as the “doer” of
their recovery. Their attitude is, “I’m here. Fix me while I passively wait to recover!” It doesn’t
work, because they don’t work!
Many people never get the HA Workbook, Lord, Set Me Free and the accompanying readings
that go with it, Experience, Strength and Hope. Or, if they get these books, they do not try to
do a question every day in the workbook, read the assigned material in Experience, Strength
and Hope, and pray over and journal what they have learned.
Many who get the books and do the reading, praying, and journaling never get a step-coach,
indulging their defensive detachment instead of realizing it must be undone if they are to recover,
and battling it with all their might by developing a healthy friendship with another recovering
person. Their unmet, same-sex, parent-child needs don’t get met and their struggle drags on
interminably until they give up in despair.
Others get their books, fill in the blanks, do the reading and journaling, and get a step coach, but
they don’t do the assignments at the end of each chapter in the workbook titled How You Can
Work Step__. Those assignments are the heart of both your own personal recovery and the
center of a healthy, effective relationship with your step-coach. To neglect them is to sabotage
your recovery and to discourage your step-coach. Be faithful to do them and prosper. Neglect
them and fail!
HA has always acknowledged that we are not the “whole ball of wax.” For some, the help we
offer is all they need. For others whose wounds are more painful and whose problems are deeper,
additional help such as professional counseling is necessary. Here again many fail to persevere
and get whatever help is needed. As in medicine, a general practitioner can treat some ailments;
a specialist is needed for others. The person who really wants to get well gets whatever help is
needed and keeps at it till he finds whatever is necessary to be whole.
What is the future of HA? Much depends on whether or not you are faithful to work all of your
program until you find the freedom you seek. This is a partnership. If both partners do their part,
the result is joyful success and continued prosperity. If either fails to fulfill his or her
responsibilities, the result is disaster, failure, and grief.
Don’t share
Finally, you can help close HA refusing to do what Step 14 calls on you to do—to carry the
message!
There are a number of ways you can bless HA and others by carrying the message. Some are
gifted writers and can share the blessings God has showered on them by writing for the
Newsletter. Others are gifted in relating to others and can reach out to new members to help them
as a step-coach. Others can speak in public and share their story with friends or in their church.
Others are organizers and can help start new HA chapters where. Others are gifted teachers and
can spearhead auxiliary meetings where recovering persons can read and discuss books that will
help them along the way. Some are socially gifted and can arrange for outings for the chapter
that will draw people in. Others can see that advertisements for their local chapter are placed in
the local paper or that your local radio station has public service announcements they can run
(samples of both are in the HA Policy and Advisory Manual). Others, who are well on the road
to recovery can (being sure to remain honest and accountable) share with those they knew while
they both were active in homo-sexuality (word-of-mouth is the best advertising), letting them
know that they have options and encouraging them to find the glorious liberty that is open to
them in Christ Jesus.
All this will help more and more people find recovery and strengthen the local chapter while
providing a pool of people who are finding freedom to encourage others to seek it! A friend of
mine went to Sexaholics Anonymous in our area for his heterosexual struggles and told me that
seventy people came to their meetings over one year but that at the end of the year only ten were
still coming. You will likely have a similar experience so getting the word out is vital.
What is the future of HA? Will we thrive or will we close? It’s up to you. If you say, “Someone
else will do it,” you threaten the future of this organization. If you do your part, you assure HA
will thrive and Christ will be magnified!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“I don’t know anyone who would build a summer home at the base of Mount Vesuvius... No
family I know is interested in....swimming in the Amazon near a school of piranhas.... I mean
some things make no sense at all. Like lighting a match to see if your gas tank is empty. Or
stroking a rhino to see if he’s tame....
“And yet there are Christians running loose today who flirt with risks far greater than any of
the above. And they do so with such calm faces you’d swear they had ice water in their veins.
You’d never guess they are balancing on the tightwire of disaster without a net.
“Who are they? They are the ones who rewrite the Bible to accommodate their lifestyle.
We’ve all met them. Outwardly they appear to be your basic believer, but....they are experts at
rephrasing or explaining away the painful truth of texts.
“Here is a sampling of Accommodating theology:
‘God wants me happy. I can’t be happy married to her. So I’m leaving—and I know He will
understand.’
‘There was a time when this might have been considered immoral. But not today. The Lord
gave me the desire and wants me to enjoy it.... What’s grace all about, anyway?’
‘Hey, life’s too short to sweat the small stuff. We’re not under Law, you know.’
“Whenever they run across Scripture verses or principles that attack their position, they alter
them to accommodate their practice. That way, two things occur: (1) all desires (no matter how
wrong) are fulfilled, and (2) all guilt (no matter how justified) is erased.
“That way everybody can do his own thing and nobody has any reason to question another’s
actions. If he does, call him a legalist and plow right on....
“The consequences of sin do not come immediately—but they will come eventually. And
when they do, there will be no excuses, no rationalization, no accommodation.” [Charles R.
Swindoll, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart And 1,501 Other Stories, p. 569-570]
DISCOURAGED?
Are those of you leading HA chapters ever attacked by discouragement? Don't be surprised. Satan
also used that weapon on the Israelites when they returned from captivity and tried to rebuild the
temple. They tried, but what they built seemed pitiful and they were discouraged. God said, "Who
of you is left who saw this house in its former glory? How does it look to you now? Does it not
seem to you like nothing? But now be strong...declares the Lord, and work. For I am with you,
declares the Lord Almighty" (Haggai 2:3,4 NIV).
God uses what seem to us to be small things to do great works. Consider Elmer Bendiner, in his
book The Fall of Fortresses, recalling "his B-17 taking a direct hit from anti-aircraft fire over
Kassel, Germany, during World War II. A 20-mm. shell pierced one of the gas tanks, but the crew
didn't know this till they returned safely to base. No one could explain why the shell had not
exploded disastrously. Then it was discovered that not one, but eleven shells were in the gas tank.
None had exploded. The mystery was explained...when armorers discovered that none of the shells
had any explosive in them. Instead, in one was found a tightly-rolled message written in Czech.
...Translated, it read: 'This is all we can do for you now.' It had been placed there by a forced-laborer
who had done what he could to save Allied airmen" [Don Chilholm, "Do What You Can," Pulpit
Helps, (November 1999), p. 5].
The Czech thought he was doing very little, but do you think the men whose lives he saved thought
that? Remember, if you are only used to save one person from the spiritual, emotional, and all too
often physical death that homosexual addiction brings, you have not done a small thing but a great
one. "Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; let him know, that he
which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a
multitude of sins (James 5:19,20)! Keep on! "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Galatians 6:9). You have God's Word on it!
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
A homosexual acquaintance named Alec [his name was changed at the request of his widow after
his death from AIDS] was trying to seduce Timothy J. Dailey when he was a student at Moody
Bible Institute. When Daily objected, Alec tried to frame “my moral objection to homosexuality in
terms of a narrow-minded refusal to ‘love’ men in the same way as women: ‘Do you really want to
limit who you love by excluding half the human race?’... ‘Alec,’ I replied, ‘I intend to exclude
“loving” the entire human race—except for my wife.’” [Timothy J. Dailey, Dark Obsession: The
Tragedy and Threat of the Homosexual Lifestyle, p. 31]
“...There is a huge difference between a sober alcoholic and a dry drunk. A dry drunk is someone
who is addicted to alcohol but who has stopped drinking. If alcohol were the problem, then the dry
drunk would have solved the problem. But, of course, alcohol is not the problem—not even for the
alcoholic. The things that need to be changed are much deeper and more complex than merely
bringing drinking to an end. Abstaining from drinking may have little effect on the insanity, the
defects of character and the shortcomings that need attention.” [Dale S. Ryan, “Theology and
Recovery,” Steps, (Vol. 12, No. 1), p. 4]
RELAPSES!
C. S. Lewis said, "We need intimate knowledge of the past. Not that the past has any magic about it,
but because we cannot study the future, and yet need something to set against the present, to remind
us that the basic assumptions have been quite different in different periods and that much which
seems certain to the uneducated is merely temporary fashion. A man who has lived in many places
is not likely to be deceived by the local errors of his native village: the scholar has lived in many
times and is therefore in some degree immune from the great cataract of nonsense that pours from
the press and the microphone of his own age" [The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses, p. 28-29].
Consider this bit of history from Alcoholics Anonymous. In the early years of A.A., the Boston
group became the "nucleus from which so much of A.A. in New England later stemmed.... Its
founder could never get sober himself and he finally died of alcoholism. Paddy was just too sick to
make it. Slip followed slip, but he came back each time to carry A.A.'s message, at which he was
amazingly successful. Time after time the group nursed him back to life. Then came the last bender,
and that was it. This very sick man left behind him a great group and a triple-A rating for valor."
[Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age: A Brief History of A.A., p. 96]
There are several things we can learn from this bit of history:
1. Relapses can occur.
This should be no surprise to one who reads, "Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the
spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:42) or "Wherefore let him that thinketh
he standeth take heed lest he fall" (I Corinthians 10:12).
Experts on addiction Terence T. Gorski and Merlene Miller warn, "Without an active and
continuous program of growth and development, most of us would fall back into our old patterns of
addictive thinking, emotional mismanagement, and self-defeating behavior" [Passages Through
Recovery: An Action Plan for Preventing Relapse, p. 134].
This does not mean that the painful struggles of early recovery don't diminish. It gets better! People
do find freedom from homosexuality. It does mean that freedom from sin is not freedom from all
temptation (think of our Lord), that it is unwise to think one is invulnerable, and that freedom must
be maintained by following the Bible's program of building ever more intimate, open, and honest
relationships with God and others. Only thus can relapse be certainly avoided.
2. Relapses do not mean there is no hope!
If we only had Paddy's story we might assume alcoholism was a hopeless condition. But there are
literally thousands of alcoholics who have recovered.
"Most people assume that relapse is a sign that treatment has failed. But we think that's a simplistic
view. An alcoholic or addict who relapses may eventually—perhaps quite soon—give up alcohol
and drugs again. Many of the counselors working in treatment programs around the nation would at
one point have qualified as 'treatment failures'... They, like many of the founders of Alcoholics
Anonymous, suffered one or more relapses during the struggle for sobriety" [Ronald L. Rogers and
Chandler Scott McMillin, Relapse Traps, p. 13].
I remember pleading for two hours with one young man who decided to return to homosexuality.
He still relapsed and continued in a homosexual relationship for several months. Realizing he had
taken a wrong turn, he came back, worked his program, and is now married and the father of two
children [Read Once Gay... Always Gay??? for scientific confirmations of recovery].
Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf write, "To move forward, you have to challenge the idea that
what has happened in the past controls your future" [Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming
Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities, p. 86].
"...You cannot ignore what has gone before, but that doesn't mean it should forever stand in the way
of your future" (Ibid., p. 34).
You have a better chance this time. You have learned more about your vulnerabilities and the
struggle, and, as time goes on more is learned about how to find freedom. "In 1935 the relapse rate
among treated alcoholics was 98%. Only 2% of the treated alcoholics managed to recover by
maintaining abstinence. In the early 1970s forty to sixty percent of all treated alcoholics recovered.
The dramatic improvement in recovery rates came directly from a more accurate understanding of
alcoholism...and the application of this understanding to clinical practice" [Gorski and Miller, op.
cit., p. 221]. So take heart! Try again! [For help, read Turning Loss into Profit!]
3. Relapses can be fatal!
"Relapse does...correlate strongly with danger and death. ...Alcoholics, Narcotics, and Cocaine
Anonymous are replete with stories of people who 'fell off the wagon' only to pay the ultimate price:
that of life itself. Their deaths prove that relapse should be seen as a learning experience of the most
dangerous sort" [Rogers and McMillin, op. cit., p. 16].
The Bible warns, "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he
also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the
Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not" (Galatians 6:7-9).
4. "Be not highminded, but fear."
These words (Romans 11:20) warn Gentiles who were enjoying the grace of God against the sin of
pride as they saw Jews missing it. Not arrogance, but reverence, Paul commands!
That was A.A.'s attitude in the case of Paddy. While grieving over his lapses, A.A. sought to nurse
"him back to life". When he died as a result of "the last bender", they remembered his contributions
and courage while sorrowing that alcoholism had been too much for him.
Let us also remember the difficulty of overcoming any sexual addiction. "The most powerful force
in the physical world is not the nuclear bomb—but sex! Addictions to alcohol and cocaine may be
major problems for our age, but they pale into insignificance when compared with the ravages of
sex gone wrong" [Dr. Archibald D. Hart, Healing Life's Hidden Addictions, p. 145].
Let the spirit AA demonstrated always be a part of our fellowship! Let us never imagine that we
have overcome in our own strength, thinking we are righteous, and despising others, praying with
ourselves, "God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men..." (Luke 18:9,11), but let us say from our
hearts, "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me
up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set me feet upon a rock, and established my
goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and
fear, and shall trust in the Lord" (Psalm 40:1-3).
--John J.
POINTS TO PONDER
“When sin tempts—when there hangs before a man the golden fruit which he knows he ought not to
touch—then, amidst the noise of passion or the sophistry of desire, conscience is silenced for a little
while. No man sins without knowing that it is wrong, without knowing that in the long run it is a
mistake; but at the instant, in the delirium of yielding...he is blind and deaf, deaf to the voice of
reason, blind to the sight of consequences.... Like a mad bull, the man that is tempted lowers his
head and shuts his eyes, and rushes right on. The moment that the sin is done, that moment the
passion or desire which tempted to it is satiated....it turns to loathing. The tempter draws us to him,
and then unveils the horrid face that lies beneath the mask.... There is no sin which is not the
purchase of pleasure at the price of peace.... I grant you...that it is quite possible for men to sin away
the delicacy and susceptibility of their conscience.... But....the silence of a seared conscience is not
peace.... It is easy to kill a conscience—after a fashion at least. It is easy to stifle it. It is easy to
come to that depth of wrongdoing that one gets used to it, and does it without caring. But oh! that
cold vacuum, that dead absent in such a spirit of all healthy self-communing, that painful suspicion,
‘If I look into myself, and be quiet for a little while, and take stock of my own character, and see
what I am, the balance will be on the wrong side,’—that is not peace.... ‘The game is not worth the
candle,’ according to the French proverb. The thing that you buy is not worth the price you pay for
it. Sin....is like the apples of Sodom, fair to look upon, but turning to acrid ashes on the unwary
lips.” [Alexander Maclaren, “Second Samuel and the Books of Kings to Second Kings VII,
(Expositions of Holy Scripture II, p. 287-290]
Dr. Ed Payne, commenting on the fact that three-fourths of all cases of AIDS are traceable to
homosexuality and/or drug abuse, stated, "The 'fueling' of the epidemic is dependent upon the
behaviors that spread it. There is no AIDS epidemic. There is only an epidemic of the behaviors that
are deadly within themselves." [Biblical Reflections of Modern Medicine, (May 1995) quoted in
Current Thoughts & Trends, (August 1995), p. 28]
“We need to love our neighbor, not just because he is pleasant or helpful or rich or influential, or
even because he shows us gratitude. These motives are too self-serving... Genuine love rises above
creatures and soars up to God. In him, by him, and through him it loves all men, both good and
wicked, friends and enemies.” [Maximilian Kolbe in an article on spiritual combat, 1924, in The
Quotable Saint, p. 161]
BIBLIOGRAPHY
A Treasury of Essential Proverbs collected by Rodney Dale, (Edison, NJ: Chartwell Books, 2004)
Ackerman, Robert J., A Husband's Little Black Book, (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health
Communications, Inc., 1994)
Alcoholics Anonymous, (New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1976)
Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age: A Brief History of A.A., (New York: Alcoholics
Anonymous World Services, Inc., 1957)
Allender, Dan, The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse,
(Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1990)
Altman, Dennis, The Homosexualization of America, (Boston: Beacon Press, 1982)
Ambrose, Stephen E., Eisenhower: Soldier and President, (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1990)
Anderson, Neil T., A Way of Escape, (Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1994)
-------- and Mike and Julia Quarles, Freedom from Addiction, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1996)
Baker Encyclopedia of Psychology edited by David G. Benner, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book
House, 1985)
Barclay, William, Daily Celebration II, (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1973)
Barnes, Albert, Barnes Notes, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1847)
Bergner, Mario, Setting Love in Order: Hope and Healing for the Homosexual, (Grand Rapids:
Baker Book House, 1995)
Berkouwer, G. C., Justification and Faith, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing
Company, 1954)
Berry, Carmen Renee, Are You Having Fun Yet? (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992)
-------- and Mark W. Baker, Who’s to Blame? Escape the Victim Trap and Gain Personal Power
in Your Relationships, (Colorado Springs, CO: Pinon Press, 1996)
Bieber, Irving et al., Homosexuality: A Psychoanalytic Study, (New York: Basic Books, 1962)
Blackaby, Henry T. and Claude V. King, Experiencing God, (Nashville: Broadman and Holman
Publishers, 1994)
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich, Life Together translated by John W. Doberstein, (New York: Harper and
Row Publishers, 1954)
Boston, Thomas, Human Nature in Its Fourfold State, (Grand Rapids: Associated Publishers and
Authors, Inc., n.d.)
Bourke, Dale Hanson, Turn Toward the Wind: Embracing Change in Your Life, (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, 1995)
Bridges, Jerry, The Joy of Fearing God, (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 1997)
--------, Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts, (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1990)
Brown, Steve, Born Free, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1993)
--------, If Jesus Has Come, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1992)
Buhler, Rich, Pain and Pretending, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1991)
Burns, David, The Feeling Good Handbook, (New York: Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1999)
Busby, Russ, Billy Graham: God’s Ambassador, (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 1999)
Calvin, John, Institutes of the Christian Religion edited by John T. McNeill and translated by Ford
Lewis Battles, (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1960)
Carlson, Randy, Father Memories, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1992)
Carlson, Richard, Don't Worry, Make Money, (New York: Hyperion, 1997)
Carmichael, Amy, Candles in the Dark, (Fort Washington, PA: Christian Literature Crusade,
1981)
Carson, D. A., God With Us: Themes from Matthew, (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1985)
Caryl, Joseph, Bible Thoughts edited by Rev. Ingram Cobbin, (Morgan, PA: Soli Deo Gloria
Publications, n.d.)
Character Counts edited by Os Guinness, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1999)
Charles Spurgeon's Little Instruction Book compiled by James S. Bell, (Tulsa, OK: Honor
Books, 1996)
Charnock, Stephen, The Existence and Attributes of God, (2 volumes), (Grand Rapids: Baker
Book House, 1853)
Churchill on Courage compiled by Frederick Talbott, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers,
1996)
Clarkson, E. Margaret, Grace Grows Best in Winter, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans
Publishing Company, 1984)
Climacus, John, The Ladder of Divine Ascent translated by Lazarus Moore, (New York: Harper,
1959)
Cloud, Henry and John Townsend, False Assumptions: Relief from 12 "Christian" Beliefs That
Can Drive You Crazy, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1994)
Cohen, Richard, Coming Out Straight: Understanding and Healing Homosexuality, (Winchester,
VA: Oakhill Press, 2000)
--------, Gay Children, Straight Parents: A Plan for Family Healing, (Bowie, MD: International
Healing Foundation, 2004)
Comiskey, Andy, Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: How Jesus Heals the Homosexual, (Lake Mary,
FL: Creation House, 1989)
Cory, Donald Webster and John P. LeRoy, The Homosexual and His Society: A View From
Within, (New York: Citadel Press, 1963)
Crabb, Jr. Larry J. and Dan B. Allender, Hope When You’re Hurting, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 1996)
-------- with Don Hudson and Al Andrews, The Silence of Adam, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, 1995)
Curtis, Brent and John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance: Drawing Closer to the Heart of God,
(Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1997)
Cuyler, Theodore L, God’s Light on Dark Clouds, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1882)
Dailey, Timothy J., Dark Obsession: The Tragedy and Threat of the Homosexual Lifestyle,
(Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2003)
Dalbey, Gordon, Sons of the Father, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House, 1992)
Davies, Bob and Lori Rentzel, Coming Out of Homosexuality, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity
Press, 1993)
Davis, Bette, The Lonely Life, (New York: G. P. Putnam's Sons, 1962)
Denney, James, The Death of Christ, (Minneapolis: Klock & Klock Christian Publishers, 1911)
deWitt, John R., Amazing Love, (London: Banner of Truth Trust, 1981)
Dickson, Paul, Toasts: The Complete Book of the Best Toasts, Sentiments, Blessings, Curses, and
Graces, (New York: Delacorte Press, 1981)
Dobson, James, Love Must Be Tough, (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1983)
Donald, David Herbert, We Are Lincoln Men: Abraham Lincoln and His Friends, (New York:
Simon & Schuster, 2003)
Earle Jr., Ralph H. and Mark R. Laaser, The Pornography Trap, (Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City, 2002)
Early Fathers from the Philokalia, (London: Faber and Faber, 1973)
Edwards, Jonathan, Charity and Its Fruits, (Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1852)
Eldredge, John, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, (Nashville: Thomas
Nelson Publishers, 2001)
Elliott, Elizabeth, A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael, (Grand Rapids:
Fleming H. Revell, 1987)
Ellis, Albert, Homosexuality: Its Causes and Cure, (New York: Lyle Stuart, Inc., 1965)
Ferguson, Sinclair B., Grow in Grace, (Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1989)
--------, The Grace of Repentance, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2000)
Finkelhor, David, Child Sexual Abuse, (New York: The Free Press, 1984)
First Ladies Quotation Book compiled by William O. Foss, (New York: Barricade Books, Inc.,
1999)
500 Things Your Minister Tried To Tell You compiled by Jeanie Price, (Nashville: Star Song
Publishing Group, 1993)
Foster, Richard J., Celebration of Discipline, (San Francisco: Harper & Row Publishers, 1988)
Frangipane, Francis, The Three Battlegrounds, (Cedar Rapids, IA: Arrow Publications, 1989)
Freeman, Arthur and Rose DeWolf, Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and
Missed Opportunities, (New York: Harper Collins Publishers, 1989)
Friedman, R. C. and J. I. Downey, Sexual Orientation and Psychoanalysis: Sexual Science and
Clinical Practice, (New York: Columbia University Press, 2002)
Furnish, V. P., The Moral Teaching of Paul, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1979)
Gagnon, Robert, The Bible and Homosexual Practice: Text and Hermeneutics, (Nashville:
Abingdon Press, 2001)
Gardner, Tim Alan, The Naked Soul, (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2004)
George MacDonald: 365 Readings edited by C. S. Lewis, (New York: Macmillan Publishing
Company, 1947)
Gire, Ken, Reflections on the Word Devotional, (Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor
Publishing, 1998)
Gorski, Terence T. and Merlene Miller, Passages Through Recovery: An Action Plan for
Preventing Relapse, (San Francisco: Harper & Row Publishers, 1989)
Greene, Karen, 12 Steps Illustrated, (New York: New Hope Press, 1991)
Griffiths, Michael, Timothy and Titus, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1996)
Guinness, Os, Fit Bodies, Fat Minds: Why Evangelicals Don't Think and What to Do About It,
(Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1994)
Gumbel, Nicky, What Is the Christian Attitude toward Homosexuality? (New York: Alpha
Resources, 2002)
Haldane, Robert, “Romans,” The Geneva Series of Commentaries, (Edinburgh: Banner of Truth
Trust, 1874)
Halverson, Richard C. The Living Body: The Church Christ Is Building, (Gresham, OR: Vision
House, 1994)
Hansel, Tim, Dancin’ Toward the Dawn: Discovering Joy in the Darkness of Loneliness,
(Colorado Springs, CO: Victor, 1991)
Harrison, Harry & Melissa, Both Sides of Recovery, (New York: Paulist Press, 1996)
Hart, Archibald D., Healing Life's Hidden Addictions, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1990)
--------, The Sexual Man, (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1994)
Hartman, Cherry, Be-Good-To-Yourself Therapy, (St. Meinrad, IN: Abby Press, 1987)
Havergal, Francis Ridley, Royal Bounty, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1977)
Hegstrom, Paul, Broken Children, Grown-up Pain, (Kansas City, MO: Beacon Hill Press of
Kansas City, 2001)
Hensley, Dennis E., How to Manage Your Time, (Anderson, IN: Warner Press, 1989)
Henslin, Earl R., The Way Out of the Wilderness: Learn How Bible Heroes with Feet of Clary
are Models for Your Recovery, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1992)
Hodge, Charles, An Exposition of the First Epistle to the Corinthians, (London: The Banner of
Truth Trust, 1857)
--------, Systematic Theology, 3 volumes, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing
Company, n.d.)
Homosexuality and American Public Life edited by Christopher Wolfe, (Dallas: Spence Publishing
Company, 1999)
Hopkins, S., The Life and Character of Jonathan Edwards, (Northampton: S. & E. Butler, 1804)
Hornsby, Sarah, Who I Am in Jesus, (Essex, England: Marshall Pickering, 1986)
Hoskyns, Barney, Montgomery Clift: Beautiful Loser, (New York: Grove Weidenfield, 1991)
Hughes, Thomas, The Life of David Livingstone, (New York: A. L. Burt Company, 1902)
Hurst, Ed with Dave and Neta Jackson, Overcoming Homosexuality, (Elgin, IL: David C. Cook
Publishing Co., 1987)
Illustrations for Biblical Preaching edited by Michael P. Green, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book
House, 1989)
Inspiring Quotations: Contemporary & Classical compiled by Albert M. Wells, Jr., (Nashville:
Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1988)
Island, David and Patrick Letellier, Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them, (New York:
Harrington Park Press, 1991)
Julian, Ron, Righteous Sinners: The Believer’s Struggle with Faith, Grace, and Works, (Colorado
Springs, CO: NavPress, 1998)
Karlen, Arno, Sexuality and Homosexuality: A New View, (New York: W. W. Norton &
Company, 1971)
Keizer, Garret, The Enigma of Anger: Essays on a Sometimes Deadly Sin, (San Francisco:
Jossey-Bass, 2002)
Kreeft, Peter and Ronald K. Tacelli, Handbook of Christian Apologetics, (Downers Grove, IL:
InterVarsity Press, 1994)
Kreisman, Jerold J. and Hal Straus, I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline
Personality, (New York: Avon Books, 1989)
Kronemeyer, Robert, Overcoming Homosexuality, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Company,
Inc., 1980)
Lawrence, Brother, The Practice of the Presence of God, (Ulrichville, OH: Barbour and
Company, Inc., 1993)
Letters of C. S. Lewis edited by Walter Hooper, (New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, 1966)
Leverich, Lyle, Tom: The Unknown Tennessee Williams, (New York: Crown Publishers, 1995)
Lewin, Karl, Brief Encounters, Brief Psychotherapy, (St. Louis: Warren H. Green 1970)
Lewis, C. S., Christian Reflections, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company,
1967)
--------, Mere Christianity, (Westwood, NJ: Barbour and Company, Inc., 1952)
--------, Reflections on the Psalms, (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1958)
--------, The Four Loves, (San Diego: Harcourt, Inc., 1960)
--------, The Problem of Pain, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1962)
--------, The Weight of Glory and Other Addresses, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans
Publishing Company, 1965)
--------, The World’s Last Night and Other Essays, (New York: Harcourt Brace & Company, 1952)
Lloyd-Jones, D. Martyn, Faith: Tried and Triumphant, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1987)
--------, Life in God: Studies in 1 John, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1995)
--------, Life in the Spirit in Marriage, Home and Work: An Exposition of Ephesians 5:18-6:9,
(Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1973)
Light For My Path, (Ulrichville, OH: Barbour Publishing, Inc., 1999)
Lomask, Milton, Aaron Burr: The Years from Princeton to Vice President, 1756-1805, (New
York: Farrar, Straus, Giroux, 1979)
Lord, Set Me Free: A Workbook on the 14 Steps, (Reading, PA: HAFS, 1994)
Lucado, Max, A Love Worth Giving, (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 2002)
--------, The Applause of Heaven, (Nashville: Word Publishing, 1990)
Luccock, Halford E., The Acts of the Apostles in Present-Day Preaching (2 volumes), (New
York: Harper & Brothers Publishers, 1941)
Luther, Martin, Commentary on Galatians, (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1924)
--------, Luther's Works, (55 volumes), edited by Jaroslav Pelikan and Walter A. Mansen, (St.
Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1955-1967)
MacArthur, John, The Ultimate Priority, (Chicago: Moody Press, 1983)
Macartney, Clarence Edward, Facing Life and Getting the Best of It, (New York: AbingdonCokesbury Press, 1940)
MacDonald, George, Unspoken Sermons (Series Three), (London: Longmans, Green, and Co.,
1891)
MacDonald, Gordon, Forging a Real World Faith, (Nashville: Oliver Nelson, 1989)
Maclaren, Alexander, Expositions of Holy Scripture, 17 volumes, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book
House, n.d.)
Magee, Bryan, The Story of Philosophy, (New York: DK Publishing, Inc., 1998)
Male and Female: Christian Approaches to Sexuality edited by Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse and
Urban T. Holmes III, (New York: The Seabury Press, 1976)
Manning, Brennan, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging, (Colorado
Springs, CO: NavPress, 1994)
Marotta, Toby, The Politics of Homosexuality, (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1981)
Martin, Grant, When Good Things Become Addictions, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1990)
Martin Luther's Little Instruction Book, (Tulsa, OK: Honor Books, 1996)
McClung, Jr., Floyd, The Father Heart of God, (Eugene OR: Harvest House Publishers, 1985)
McDonald, H. D., Forgiveness and Atonement, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1984)
McDowell, Josh, His Image, My Image, (San Bernardino, CA: Here's Life Publishers, Inc.,
1984)
McKenzie, E. C., 14,000 Quips and Quotes, (Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.,
1980)
Meyer, F. B., Joshua and the Land of Promise, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1893)
--------, The Shepherd Psalm, (London: Marshall, Morgan & Scott, 1895)
Miller, J. Keith, A Hunger For Healing: The Twelve Steps as a Classic Model for Christian
Spiritual Growth, (San Francisco: HarperCollins, 1991)
--------, Sin: Overcoming the Ultimate Deadly Addiction, (San Francisco: Harper & Row,
Publisher, 1987)
M'Intyre, David M., The Hidden Life of Prayer, (Glasgow: Drummond's Tract Depot, Stirling,
n.d.)
Moberly, Elizabeth, Homosexuality: A New Christian Ethic, (Cambridge: James Clarke & Co.,
1983)
--------, Psychogenesis: The Early Development of Gender Identity, (London: Routledge & Kegan
Paul Limited, 1983)
Morris, Leon, The Epistle to the Romans, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing 1988)
--------, Testaments of Love: A Study of Love in the Bible, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans
Publishing Company, 1981
Motyer, J. Alec, Motyer, The Prophecy of Isaiah: An Introduction & Commentary, (Downers
Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1993)
Murray, John, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans
Publishing Company, 1955)
--------, “The Epistle to the Romans,” The New International Commentary on the New Testament,
2 volumes, (Grand Rapids: William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 1959, 1965)
My Favorite Quotations compiled by Norman Vincent Peale, (San Francisco: Harper & Row,
Publishers, 1990)
My Third Reader's Notebook compiled by Gerald Kennedy, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1974)
Nagel, Paul C., Descent from Glory, (New York: Oxford University Press, 1983)
Neal, C. W., Your 30-Day Journey To Freedom From Shame, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Publishers, 1992)
Nelson, Jane, Positive Discipline, (New York: Ballentine Books, 1991)
Neuhaus, Richard John, The Best of the Public Square, (New York: RPL, 1997)
Nicolosi, Joseph, Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality: A New Clinical Approach,
(Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc., 1991)
-------- and Linda, A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality, (Downers Grove, IL:
InterVarsity Press, 2002)
Nouwen, Henri J. M., The Wounded Healer, (New York: Doubleday, 1972)
Ogilvy, David, Ogilvy on Advertising, (New York: Vintage, 1985)
Owen, John, The Forgiveness of Sin, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, n.d.)
Packer, J. I., A Passion for Faithfulness: Wisdom from the Book of Nehemiah, (Wheaton, IL:
Crossway Books, 1995)
--------, Knowing God, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1973)
--------, Truth & Power, (Wheaton, IL: Harold Shaw Publishers, 1996)
Paglia, Camille, Vamps and Tramps: New Essays, (New York: Vintage Books, 1994)
Parrott III, Les and Leslie Parrott, A Good Friend, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Publications, 1998)
--------, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House,
1995)
--------, Relationships 101, (Tulsa, OK: Honor Books, 1998)
Peck, M. Scott, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and
Spiritual Growth, (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978)
Phelps, William Lyon, Human Nature and the Gospel, (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons,
1925)
--------, Human Nature in the Bible, (New York: Charles Scribner’s Sons, 1922)
Phillips, J. B., Plain Christianity, (New York: The MacMillan Company, 1955)
Piper, John, Desiring God, (Portland, OR: Multnomah, 1986)
Pollock, John, Moody: A Biography, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1963)
Powerful Thinking for Powerful Living compiled by Bob Phillips, (Eugene, OR: Harvest House
Publishers, 1991)
Protestant Hour Classics, (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1992)
Quaint Sermons of Samuel Rutherford, (London: Hodder and Stoughton, 1885)
Ramm, Bernard, Offense To Reason: The Theology of Sin, (San Francisco: Harper & Row
Publishers, 1985)
Reber, Arthur S., The Penguin Dictionary of Psychology, (New York: Penguin Books, 1985)
Renzetti, Claire M., Violent Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships, (Newbury
Park, CA: Sage Publications, 1992)
Rogers, Ronald L. and Chandler Scott McMillin, Relapse Traps: How To Avoid the 12 Most
Common Pitfalls in Recovery, (New York: Bantam Books, 1991)
Rowland, Randy, Get A Life...and a Faith that Works! (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco,
1992)
Rubin, Lillian B., Erotic Wars: What Happened to the Sexual Revolution? (New York: Farrar,
Straus & Giroux, 1990)
Ryden, E. E., The Story of Christian Hymnody, (Rock Island, IL: Augustana Press, 1959)
Ryken, Philip Graham, “Galatians,” Reformed Expository Commentary, (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R
Publishing Company, 2005)
Ryle, J. C., "John," 2 volumes, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, n.d.)
--------, “Luke,” 2 volumes, Expository Thoughts on the Gospels, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan
Publishing House, n.d.)
--------, Old Paths, (Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1878)
Satinover, Jeffrey, Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House,
1996)
Savage, Elayne, Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection, (Oakland, CA:
New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1997)
Schaff, Anne Wilson, Escape From Intimacy, (San Francisco: Harper & Row Publishers, 1989)
Scroggie, W. Graham, “The Gospel of Mark,” The Study Hour Series, (Grand Rapids:
Zondervan Publishing House, 1976)
Seamands, David, Putting Away Childish Things, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1982)
Seligman, Martin E. P., What You Can Change & What You Can't: The Complete Guide to
Successful Self-Improvement, (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1994)
Sell, Charles, Unfinished Business: Helping Adult Children Resolve Their Past, (Sisters, OR:
Multnomah Press, 1989)
Sex and the Supremacy of Christ edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor, (Wheaton, IL: Crossway
Books, 2005)
Shelley, Marshall, Well-Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church,
(Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1985)
Shilts, Randy, And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic, (New York: St.
Martin’s Press, 1987)
Shoemaker, Samuel M., National Awakening, (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1936)
--------, Twice-Born Ministers, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Publishing Company, 1929)
Simpson, A. B., When the Comforter Came, (Camp Hill, PA: Christian Publications, 1991)
Simpson’s Contemporary Quotations: The Most Notable Quotes from 1950 to the Present edited by
James B. Simpson, (New York: HarperCollings Publishers, 1997)
Smith, Jr., R. F., Sit Down, God...I'm Angry, (Valley Forge, PA: Judson Press, 1997)
Speaker’s Treasury of Political Stories, Anecdotes, and Humor edited by Gerald Tomlinson,
(New York: MJF Books, 1990)
Spurgeon, Charles Haddon, Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit, [57 volumes), London: Passmore
and Alabaster, 1861-1917)
--------, Morning and Evening: Daily Readings, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House,
n.d.)
Stanley, Charles, Our Unmet Needs, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1999)
Stewart, James S., A Man in Christ: The Vital Elements of St. Paul's Religion, (New York:
Harper and Brothers Publishers, n.d.)
Stott, John R. W., Basic Christian Leadership, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2002)
--------, Christian Basics, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1991)
--------, Evangelical Essentials, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1989)
--------, Evangelical Truth: A Personal Plea for Unity, Integrity & Faithfulness, (Downers Grove,
IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999)
--------, Guard the Truth, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1996)
--------, “Romans: God’s Good News for the World,” The Bible Speaks Today, (Downers Grove,
IL: InterVarsity Press, 1994)
--------, Same-Sex Partnerships? (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1998)
--------, The Authentic Jesus, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1985)
--------, The Contemporary Christian, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1992)
--------, The Cross of Christ, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1986)
--------, “The Letters of John,” Tyndale New Testament Commentaries, (Grand Rapids: William
B. Eerdman’s Publishing Company, 1988)
--------, “The Message of Galatians,” The Bible Speaks Today, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity
Press, 1968)
Strand, Robert, Love 101, (Green Forest, AR: New Leaf Press, 1993)
Stribling, Tom with Verne Becker, Love Broke Through, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing
House, 1990)
Strong, Augustus Hopkins, Systematic Theology, (Westwood, NJ: Fleming H. Revell
Company, 1907),
Swartley, Willard M., Homosexuality: Biblical Interpretation and Moral Discernment,
(Scottsdale, PA: Herald Press, 2003)
Swindoll, Charles R., Growing Strong in the Seasons of Life, (Portland, OR: Multnomah Press,
1983)
--------, The Tale of the Tardy Oxcart And 1,501 Other Stories, (Nashville: Word Publishing, 1998)
Tada, Joni Eareckson, The God I Love: A Memoir, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2003)
ten Boom, Corrie, Each New Day, (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 1977)
The Beacon Book of Quotations by Women compiled by Rosalie Maggio, (Boston: Beacon Press,
1992)
The Beauties of Ebenezer Erskine selected by Samuel McMillan, (Ross-Shire, Scotland: Christian
Focus Publications, 1850)
The Best of Kin Hubbard edited by David S. Hawes, (Bloomington, IN: Indiana University
Press, 1984)
The Best of Barbara Johnson, (New York: Inspirational Press, 1996)
The Book of Unusual Quotations edited by Rudolf Flesch, (New York: Harper & Bros., 1957)
The Complete Works of Thomas Manton, 22 volumes, (London: James Nisbet & Co., 1872)
The Crisis of Homosexuality edited by J. Isamu Yamamoto, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1990)
The Executive's Book of Quotations edited by Julia Vitullo-Martin and J. Robert Moskin, (New
York: Oxford University Press, 1994)
The Golden Treasury of Patristic Quotations compiled by I. D. E. Thomas, (Oklahoma City,
OK: Hearthstone Publishing, 1996)
The Most Important Thing I Know compiled by Loren A. Adrain, (New York: MJF Books, 1997)
The New Bible Dictionary second edition, edited by J. D. Douglas, F. F. Bruce, J. I. Packer, H.
Hillyer, D. Guthrie, A. R. Millard, and D. J. Wiseman, (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House
Publishers, Inc., 1982)
The Oxford Book of Friendship edited by D. J. Enright and David Rawlinson, (Oxford: Oxford
University Press, 1991)
The Oxford Book of Modern Quotations edited by Tony Augarde, (Oxford: Oxford University
Press, 1991)
The Quotable Saint: Words of Wisdom from Thomas Aquinas to Zita compiled by Rosemary Ellen
Guiley, (New York: Facts on File, 2002)
The Speaker's Bible edited by Edward Hastings, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, n.d.)
The Truth About Homosexuality edited by John F. Harvey, (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1996)
The Works of Benjamin B. Warfield, 10 volumes, (Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1927-1932)
The Works of John Newton, 6 volumes, (Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1824)
The Works of John Wesley XI, (Albany, OR: The SAGE Digital Library, 1995)
Thurman, Chris, If Christ Were Your Counselor, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1993)
--------, The Lies We Believe: The #1 Cause of Our Unhappiness, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson
Publishers, 1989)
Timeless Quotations on Peace of Mind compiled by John Cook, (Minneapolis: Fairview Press,
1997)
Torrey, R. A., Real Salvation and Whole-Hearted Service, (New York: Fleming H. Revell
Company, 1905)
--------, Revival Addresses, (New York: Fleming H. Revell Company, 1908)
Tozer, A. W., Born After Midnight, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1959)
--------, Of God and Men, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1960)
--------, That Incredible Christian, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1964)
--------, The Divine Conquest, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1950)
--------, The Next Chapter After the Last, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1987)
--------, The Pursuit of God, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1948)
--------, The Root of the Righteous, (Harrisburg, PA: Christian Publications, 1955)
Treasury of Women's Quotations, compiled by Carolyn Warner, (Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice
Hall, Inc., 1992)
20th Century Thoughts That Shaped the Church compiled by Vernon McLellan, (Wheaton, IL:
Tyndale House Publishers, 2000)
van den Aardweg, Gerard J. M., The Battle for Normality, (San Francisco: Ignatius Press, 1997)
VanEnglin, Charles, God’s Missionary People: Rethinking the Purpose of the Local Church,
(Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1991)
Warfield, Benjamin B., The Person & Work of the Holy Spirit, (Amityville, NY: Calvary Press,
1997)
Warren, Rick, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For? (Grand Rapids: Zondervan,
2002)
Washton, Arnold and Nannette Stone-Washton, Step Zero: Getting To Recovery, (New York:
Harper-Collins Publishers, 1991)
Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary, (New York: Dorset & Baber, 1983)
Welch, Edward T., Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the
Gospel, (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2001)
Wetzel, Richard, Sexual Wisdom, (Ann Arbor, MI: Proctor Publications, LLC, 1998)
White, John, Changing on the Inside, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Publications, 1991)
--------, Eros Defiled, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1977)
--------, Eros Redeemed: Breaking the Stranglehold of Sin, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press,
1993)
--------, God’s Pursuing Love: The Relentless Tenderness of God, (Downers Grove, IL:
InterVarsity Press, 1998)
White, Margaret, Aids and the Positive Alternative, (Hanks, UK: Marshall, Morgan & Scott, 1987)
Whitecross, John, The Shorter Catechism Illustrated, (London: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1828)
Whitehead, Neil and Briar, My Genes Made Me Do It! A Scientific Look as Sexual Orientation,
(Lafayette, LA: Huntington House Publishers, 1999)
Whyte, Alexander, Bunyan Characters I, (Edinburgh: Oliphant Anderson and Ferrier, 1893)
--------, Lord, Teach Us To Pray, (New York: George H. Doran Company, n.d.)
--------, The Apostle Paul, (Edinburgh: Oliphant Anderson and Ferrier, 1903)
Wiersbe, Warren, Be Satisfied, (Colorado Springs, CO: Victor Books, 1990)
Williams, D. Charles, Forever a Father, Always a Son, (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1991)
Willingham, Russell, Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of
Jesus, (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1999)
Wilson, Earl D., Counseling and Homosexuality, (Waco, TX: Word Books, 1988)
Winslow, Octavius, The Work of the Holy Spirit, (Edinburgh: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1840)
Women Helping Women edited by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Carol Cornish, (Eugene, OR: Harvest
House Publishers, 1997)
Wood, G. R. Harding, Through the Bible Day By Day: St. Matthew to Acts, (London: Henry E.
Walter Ltd., 1956)
Wright, Elliott, Holy Company, (New York: Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., 1980)
Yancey, Philip, Church: Why Bother? (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1998)
--------, True Confessions, (Ann Arbor, MI: Servant Books, 1987)
You Can Say That Again compiled by R. E. O. White, (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing
House, 1991)