Two Home Teams, One Victor
Rosslyn Park IVs 42 – 5 Millfield Old Boys
Rosslyn Park IVs - sponsored by El Patron and the Queen Adelaide
http://elpatronlondon.com/
http://www.thequeenadelaide.co.uk/
“For he that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother” – Shakespeare
Yes, normally I agree, a quote from Shake-His-Spear for a match report is over-kill therefoer I will
add some context to last weekend’s home fixture against Millfield Old Boys (the “Badgers”). Despite
being last season newcomers to MMT2 the Badgers are the team the IVs faced to win last season’s
MMT2 League final. Building on their success, this season the Badgers secured an early win against
the IVs and followed it with wins against every other team in the league coming into last weekend’s
game with an unbeaten record.
Benefiting from a strong cohort of IVs we arrived for a midday K.O. against what we knew would be
a hard fought game of mind, body and, in one case, tummy (Koujiro). The game opened with the
ferocity of last year’s final with the Badgers hoping to hold onto this seasons untarnished win record
and IVs endeavouring to right previous losses. With a strong opening salvo of aggression from the
IVs we were punished by an early Badger try after one prop, who shall remain nameless, was turned
over on his first touch of the ball after 6 weeks away for facial injuries to a previously chiselled cheek
bone. 5-0 to the Badgers.
On reflection this seemed the only wakeup call the IVs needed. After some strategic jostling for
territory Andy Foode’s enormously fat boot gifted the forwards a lineout on the Badgers five-meter
line. I would love to say it was rehearsed but an accidental overthrow on our lineout landed straight
into the steam powered mechanical arms of Boyler main engine room. With feet faster than a hic up
and an arse wider than a dump truck the Badgers fly half stood little chance of stopping Boyle from
scoring. Boyle’s “mostly” dry January (i.e. dry gin, dry white wine, dry Chinese shit) payed off and he
crossed for a try taking three Badgers over the line with him. Andy Foode ensured we took the extra
points. 7-5 to the IVs.
With room to breathe in the score line and the after effects of any Jabba the Hutt style Christmas
feasting now wearing off the IVs shifted up a gear. It’s true what they say about rugby: “Do the
basics well, dominate your opposite number, and the rest of the game will take care of itself”. To
this end the IVs forward pack displayed a scrum more reliable than a “tip” supplied by Rixy at Royal
Ascot. Such was the packs power we turned over 2 or 5 (I always confuse those two numbers)
against the head during each half of the match. Clearly our domination of the scrum got to the
opposition hooker hot who conceded a penalty for excessive chirpsing to the referee about putting
the ball in straight. The saying “a poor blacksmith always blames his tools” didn’t really apply here as
the IVs front row consistently demolished the Badgers ‘tool shed’ with wrecking ball like ferocity for
the entire game; and before you ask yes that was a Miley Cyrus reference.
With set piece possession all but guaranteed the new “centre piece” combination of the IVs backline
went on the offensive. Impressive bone crunching defensive work from Fenton ‘Slim Jock’ Frasier
enabled new to form Paul ‘Hot knife through butter’ Haigy to slip more tackles than a well lubricated
lap dancer running through Browns. With Gus as the devil on Haig’s shoulder their attacking form
throughout the game will cause more than a few sleepless nights for their opposite numbers. True to
IVs style Haigy and Callum thought they did so well they arrogantly booked a holiday immediately
after the match to reward their efforts and are now enjoying a week of gravity assisted leisure
activity in Meribelly.
“All work and no *uck-ups make the IVs a dull bunch of lads” and so true to form our very own Dan
“reformed convict” Rixy was binned for a high tackle and enjoyed the full force of the new RFU laws
for such an offence: a yellow card and a bloody nose. After rooting through the physios purse he
soon ‘stemmed’ the bleed. This episode earned Rix ‘Richard of the Day’ and with it a dirty pint but in
a brilliant display of teamwork this was taken on the chin by Hamish ‘Chopper’ Reid-Kaye in Rixy’s all
too convenient absence. It’s not only what we do on the field that counts. Half time score 14-5 to
the IVs.
They say it’s never over until the fat lady gets naked and in previous games we have relaxed in the
second half to concede points, but not this day. It was a huge effort from all those involved and this
includes the bench who were the nail the IVs needed to close out a high scoring victory and with it
the bonus point. Holding possession allowed the accurate backs to deliver their elaborate arsenal of
moves allowing Chi’s Brother, Baby P, Silent D, and Andy Foode to cross the whitewash with sublime
brilliance. The combination of skill and focus has not been seen in the IVs since the start of this
season and I don’t mind sharing with you that these efforts made this IVs naughty parts tingle ever
so slightly.
Well-deserved the man of the match went to Flash who, slimmed down and able to fit into the No.9
jersey for the first time this season, put into force a huge performance both personally and
strategically. His calming presence and significant ‘experience’ showed through in this man who
afterwards shared that he “only played the full 80mins to impress his lady friend” whom he had
invited to watch.
I can confirm many beers were consumed afterwards whilst the IVs watched the First XV beat their
oppo by a significantly lower margin than the IVs. Celebrating lasted late into the AM.
Contributed by Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the
Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband
to a murdered wife.