Personal Needs and Expectations
Expecting the world to treat you fairly
because you are a good person
is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you
because you are a vegetarian.
DENNIS WHOLEY
'Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he
shall never be disappointed'
ALEXANDER POPE
Objectives / Standards:

The student will be able to:
 Identify common marital adjustments and
how to resolve them.
 Identify the difficulties in the first two years
(myths versus reality).
 Discuss the impact of parental approval or
lack or approval of the marriage (in-laws).
 Discuss adjusts in marriage (dual income,
personal needs and expectations, sexual
adjustments).
What Do You Think?

Men and women are different
in many ways, especially in the
way they think.

In his book, “What Wives Wish
Their Husbands Knew About
Women” Dr. James Dobson
relates an interesting theory
about this differences.
A man deals with each circle as he is required to. They do
not overlap, but remain entirely separate from one another.
Money
meetings
Work
transportation  If he is watching a ball game on
Health
Children
Food
TV and the children come in
screaming, he may not notice
them because he is watching
TV. When the game is over the
circle is closed.
 He may pay bills and even
discuss then with his wife, but
when he has finished, that circle
is closed.
On the other hand woman deals with her life much
differently
health
transportation
work
children

food
money
She can comfort a child with a cut knee while
she makes dinner and may even be on the
phone at the same time.
 She may pay the bills and be thinking about
which child needs new shoes or the
refreshment she must take to the PTA meeting.
 A woman will think of many things at once. If
this were to be shown, it would look like the
above diagram.
Where as the man has forgotten about the
disagreement he had with his wife earlier
in the evening, she has not. She is still
thinking about it when she goes to bed.
Obviously, she is not in the mood for sex.

If a man and woman understand
these things about each other, it
will help their relationship
immensely.



A man would know that in order to gain
his wife’s attention, he needs to
apologize or at least discuss problems
before wanting intimate relationships.
The wife would understand that her
husband is not trying to hurt her
feelings, he simply deals with things in a
different way.
Both people need to work together to
understand one another and create a
quality relationship.
Millions flood therapists' offices to
wail that they are not getting their
"needs" met, and still more millions
carry through (often with the sanction
of their therapist) to rid themselves of
the inadequate mate. Not that I think
venting one's dissatisfactions isn't
important, and not that I don't think
it's a step on the way to recovery, but
the point is that such venting is a
step. It's a step on the way to taking
personal responsibility for one's lacks
and finding ways to personally fill
those lacks without taking them out
on the unfortunate spouse.
Meeting each other needs:

His needs are more Physical and
Emotional

Her needs are more Emotional and
Physical
Activity: There's Only One You
Activity: There's Only One
You, Pg 202, Tom Jackson,
Activities That Teach Family
Values, ISBN #0-9664633-0-7
Hand out Student Listening
Guide
How did “Traditional” get to be a
tradition?



Before the industrial revolution in the early
part of this century, men and women worked
side by side. It was not until work was
moved to the factories that women’s work
place became the home and labor was rigidly
divided by sex.
But currently, the numbers of women in the
work force have dramatically increased with
more than half of all married women and
mothers working outside the home.
The biggest increase in women in the work
force are women with preschooler and
infants.
What would you say are the main reasons
for women being in the workplace?
1.
Economics Factors
– Most women use their income on
necessary goods and services for their
families.
– Almost 20% of families are headed and
supported by single-parent mothers.
– For many families where the husband is
the major wage earner, the wife’s earning
often raise a family above the poverty
level.
– The economic reasons for women
being employed remain throughout
the life cycle.
• Young couples stage: to save for a car or
home.
• Young children stage: make car & home
payments.
• Older children stage: to support children in
college.
• Children fully launched: to save for
retirement.
2.
Changing Gender Roles
– Although men have traditionally
found their identity through work
outside the home, women have
found their identity through work
inside the home.
– Women are moving into the
occupational world as an
important avenue for personal
fulfillment.
3. Family Life Cycle Changes
– In early years childbirth was
difficult and the large number of
children born meant that most
women never lived to see all their
children fully grown.
– Women are living longer, having
fewer children, and have more time
left over from raising children to
work.
– 25 years is the average number of
years remaining for employment
outside the home.
Read Case Studies
Students write down a solution to
these case studies.
1.
2.
3.
What are the main problems
encountered by two-income families?
1. There are competing demands of
career and family life.
1. The parents have not had family
roles models to help them know how
to manage careers and families
together
2. Less time is spent with children.
2. Working women often suffer from high
blood pressure, headaches, tension,
and depression caused by stress.
Activity: Trading
Activity: Trading, pg. 237, Still
More Activities That Teach,
Tom Jackson, IBSN
#09664633-5-8
Sharing Roles Successfully
1.
2.
3.
4.
Men have to accept the fact that they are
needed to help with the housework.
Small children can help out with easy jobs.
Older children can help take
responsibilities for house work, child care,
and meal preparation.
Other conflicts may include:
–
–
–
–
Work hours may be opposite each other.
Transportation and arranging child care.
Jealously over a partner having a higher
paying or more prestigious job.
Parent may feel ownership: for specific roles.
Video clips
Work individually
using the orange
information sheet to
answer “Two Careers
and Children Equal
Stress”.
Discussion:
 Sexual
Adjustments
– Expectations
– Importance of Sex in a Marriage
– Variety of needs
– Sex as communication
– Successful Adjustment






Sexual relationship and other aspects of marital life are
interrelated, meaning that conflict or intense concern over
money, for example, can detract from sexual interest.
Each partner may have different ideas about what is right
and what is wrong in sex life. In reality, there are no rights or
wrongs in sexual activity between a couple, except what
each may believe to be acceptable or unacceptable behavior.
Personal beliefs should be honored and respected.
As is mutually agreeable between the two partners, it is a
good idea to experiment with ways to keep the sexual
relationship from becoming boring or routine.
Try not to be overly influenced by sexuality portrayed in the
media, movies, or television. Only you and your partner can
decide what is acceptable and satisfying for the two of you.
Don't try to fit your relationship into someone else's idea of
what is normal sexual behavior.
Some make sex a weapon in dealing with other conflicts in
their relationship. Doing so magnifies the original problem,
and can lead to sexual problems as well.
Don't be afraid to discuss your sex life with your partner.
Share with him or her your likes, dislikes, feelings, desires,
fantasies, etc. Share and learn together.
 Your
sexual relationship is just like other
relationship—sometimes it will be good and
sometimes it will be bad. The key to success
is good communication and a desire to
resolve problems. If you and your spouse
are unable to resolve problems on your own,
it may be appropriate to seek a good
marriage counselor. Discussing private
details of your marriage with parents, family,
or friends can cause irreparable damage to
your relationship with your spouse.
 The
key to a happy and healthy intimate
relationship in marriage is open and honest
communication that focuses on the good and
assists the relationship to move forward into
a move positive situation for both partners.
Summary:
Meeting each others needs
means giving first and not
waiting for your spouse to give
to you.
If both of you are trying to meet
each other’s needs then there
will never be a wanting of
needs to be met.

Adjustments in the Early Marriage Years
by Thomas R. Lee, PhD
Department of Family and Human Development
Utah State University
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH26

Marriage – Many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Things
Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=MORE07

Marriage – A many-Splendored, Sometimes Splintered, Thing
Dr. Daniel Wayne Matthews
http://www.utahmarriage.org/functions/function_frame01.cfm?link=http://

The Top Ten Myths of Marriage
David Popenoe
http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/Print/Print%20Myths%20of%20M
arriage.htm

Take Specific Steps To Nurture Love In Marriage
Dr. Stephen Duncan
Brigham Young University
http://www.utahmarriage.org/index.cfm?id=STRENGTH16