Breaching Subway Decorum
When it’s okay to annoy strangers on a train.
By Adam Sternbergh
THE SEAT HOG
Crime: Not offering one’s seat to an obviously pregnant woman or obviously elderly person.
Rudeness Factor (out of 10): 10
Why It’s Inappropriate: If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s the continued propagation of the
species (within reason). And if you don’t give your seat to an elderly person, when you grow old you can
expect to be cast out and set upon by wild dogs. It’s called karma.
When It’s Appropriate: Maybe if you have a serious, demonstrable impediment. Such as a wooden leg.
Although even then—she’s pregnant! On your feet, pirate.
Truth: If you are a seat hog,
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE GAWKER
Crime: Staring.
Rudeness Factor: 7
Why It’s Inappropriate: It’s a subway, not a bar.
When It’s Appropriate: Let’s face it—this is a city full of beautiful people who sometimes wear noticeably
revealing clothing. But always observe the two-second rule: Never let your eyes linger longer than a twocount. It’s a fine line between flirt and perv.
Truth: If you are a gawker,
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE DOORMAN
Crime: Holding the closing doors.
Rudeness Factor: 2
Why It’s Inappropriate: It’s the perfect illustration of Spock’s famous tenet: Sometimes the needs of the
many (people already on the subway) outweigh the needs of the few (guy rushing to catch the subway).
When It’s Appropriate: When you’re the person rushing to catch the train. Hold that door!
Truth: If you are a “doorman”,
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE GROOMER
Crime: Plucking eyebrows, curling eyelashes, flossing teeth (!), or clipping fingernails (!!) on the subway.
Rudeness Factor: 8
Why It’s Inappropriate: Because a civilized society is measured by the delineations between its publictransit vehicles and its bathrooms.
When It’s Appropriate: If it’s your absolute last chance to freshen up before a job interview, funeral, or
proposal of marriage.
Truth: If you are a groomer,
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE GOBBLER
Crime: Eating messy food or consuming a perilously sloshing drink.
Rudeness Factor: 9
Why It’s Inappropriate: Because subways were practically invented to send your sloppy foods onto the
shirts and laps of the people around you.
When It’s Appropriate: Only if your drink container has a cap and you’re eating a type of food—say, the
vacuum-packed chicken NASA prepares for astronauts—that, in the event of a sudden subway lurch,
won’t leave a splatter pattern on the people around you.
Truth: If you are a gobbler,
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE SHERPA
Crime: Riding with a large, space-consuming backpack or suitcase or stroller.
Rudeness Factor: 4
Why It’s Inappropriate: The smooth operation of the subway requires that people be able to (a) board
the car, (b) disembark the car, and (c) ride and not get smacked in the face by the travel mug lashed to the
back of your pack as you traverse the continent.
When It’s Appropriate: Packs should be kept on the floor between the legs. Strollers are granted extra
leeway, though people with extra-large models that include cup holders should consider a more crowdfriendly mode of transporting their young.
Truth: If you are a “sherpa,”
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident:
THE TURNSTILE HOPPER
Crime: Turnstile hopping
Rudeness Factor: 6
Why It’s Inappropriate: If you need to ask, we’ve already lost you.
When It’s Appropriate: Hopping, never. Ducking under the turnstile if you are short enough and under 5
years of age, all right. But we’re watching you, junior.
Truth: If you are a “sherpa,”
Likely Outcome:
Hypothetical encounter:
Alternative Outcome to a past incident: