What is ISA?
Acting Out
"Addictive sexual behaviors such as promiscuity, infidelity, compulsive masturbation, prostitution,
sexual assault, molestation, and exhibitionism are often referred to as 'acting out.' These readily
identifiable behaviors [can be compared to] the part of an iceberg that we can see above the
waterline." (Recovery From Compulsive Sexual Avoidance - a Return to Intimacy)
Acting In
As our abstinence from acting-out lengthens, though, many of us begin to notice other more subtle
forms of sex addiction known as "acting in" behaviors that may have been lurking below the surface.
"Acting in is any compulsive sexual behavior that serves to avoid or block sexual, emotional, or spiritual
intimacy with others, ourselves, or our Higher Power." (Recovery From Compulsive Sexual Avoidance a Return to Intimacy)
Intimacy
Many people think that "intimacy" means "sex." However, if that were true, the above definition of
"acting in" wouldn't make sense. So, it may be helpful to understand that the word "intimacy" has a
broader meaning, which can include: warm friendship; a close, familiar, affectionate, loving personal
relationship; something private or closely personal; a comfortable, cozy, or familiar place; or sexual
relations. So, sex isn't the first or only meaning of "intimate" or "intimacy." In a nutshell, intimacy
means closeness and connection. In other words, that means we can be intimate without being
sexual. And we can be sexual without being intimate.
Intimacy Avoidance
Intimacy avoidance can refer to doing things to avoid or block intimacy or closeness and connection in
sexual, emotional, or spiritual ways with ourselves or others. Some examples might be stuffing
feelings, fault-finding, or workaholism. Now, acting in can also mean not doing things that promote
vulnerability, trust, and connection, such as NOT making eye contact with others, or NOT inviting
friends to dinner. Acting in is avoiding intimacy, or preventing closeness and connection.
A Spectrum of Behavior
We can think of acting out and acting in as opposite ends of a spectrum of behavior, since addictive
sexual behaviors do not promote closeness and connection, either.
Now, if we take this horizontal spectrum or continuum and turn it vertically, we can see how it
corresponds to the image of the iceberg spoken of earlier, with acting out being represented by the
top of the iceberg, and the submerged part representing acting in. But as you can see, they are parts
of the same iceberg! As our Green Book puts it, "Whether we were acting out or not being sexual at
all, our addiction involved being emotionally unavailable." (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 6)
Symptoms of Intimacy Avoidance
Here are some common symptoms of intimacy avoidance,
taken from the pamphlet, Recovery From Compulsive Sexual
Avoidance – A Return to Intimacy.
• Practicing avoidance of sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
• Obsessive sexual thoughts (about having sex and/or avoiding it).
• A feeling that our sexuality is inherently bad and something we
should feel ashamed of and guilty about.
• Pretending that flirtation and sexual advances aren’t really
happening to us and acting uninterested purely based on fear of
taking risks.
• A pattern of sex and relationships with active sex addicts and/or
other unavailable people.
• A pattern of addictive sexual behavior (acting out), followed by a
pattern of compulsive sexual avoidance (acting in).
• Extreme fear of combining emotional intimacy with sexuality.
• Finding fault or starting fights with a spouse or partner to avoid sexual relations.
• Being emotionally unavailable – in sexual and non-sexual relationships.
• Only socializing in groups to avoid one-on-one relationships.
• Avoiding social situations altogether due to extreme discomfort.
• Only being sexual in non-intimate situations.
• An inability to accept nurturing and care from ourselves, our Higher Power, and others.
• An inability to trust and rely on others, believing that people will always let us down and it is safer if
we just do things on our own.
• The compulsive use of masturbation, with fantasy and/or pornography, as a way to avoid intimacy
with others, and prevent sexual abandonment.
• Mistaking compulsive sexual avoidance for recovery and/or healthy sexuality.
• Preferring fantasy over interacting with the people in our lives; so much that fantasy creates a wall
between ourselves and the real world.
• Hiding the joys and pains of our life from people we know and trust, due to self-pity, false-pride
and/or fear.
Compulsive Sexual Avoidance or Sexual Anorexia
Some of us have experienced the avoidance of sex as compulsive. In the same way that we’re
powerless over acting out, we who suffer from compulsive sexual avoidance are powerless over acting
in. Some of us also call this “sexual anorexia.” People with food anorexia (anorexia nervosa) starve
themselves of nourishing food. Similarly, sexual anorexia describes how we starve ourselves of nurture
and care from ourselves and others, including our Higher Power.
“For some of us, the compulsive avoidance of sex and intimacy became a destructive pattern,
dominating our thoughts and actions. We may always have felt unable or unwilling to be sexual. Or we
may have experienced periods of feeling ‘shut down’ alternating with other periods of sexual acting
out. We have come to realize that both extremes represent symptoms of the same disease. Whether
we were acting out or not being sexual at all, our addiction involved being emotionally unavailable.”
(Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 6)
The good news is that working the Twelve Steps of SAA is, for many of us, leading to "an awakening
that allows us to live a new way of life according to spiritual principles.” (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page
20). There are growing numbers of people working the 12 Steps of SAA on intimacy avoidance.
Regardless of the terminology we use to describe our issues, or whether we experience the compulsive
avoidance of sex or identify as social, emotional, and sexual anorexics, our common challenge is to
learn to stop acting in.
Approved and Draft SAA Literature
Currently, there are two SAA Literature Committee-approved pamphlets on the subject of intimacy and
sexual avoidance. One is Recovery From Compulsive Sexual Avoidance - A Return to Intimacy, which
can be found at saa-recovery.org/literature. The other is the newly-approved First Step to Intimacy - A
Guide for Working the First Step on Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance or Sexual Anorexia, which can be
found in draft form on http://saatalk.info/us/meetings. Click on any Intimacy and Sexual Avoidance
meeting and look for the link to download "ISA 1st Step Guide LitCom Approved" or click on this link:
ISA 1st Step Guide LitCom Approved.pdf
There are also a couple of draft documents the ISA Outreach Committee is working on entitled What
Does Anorexia Look Like? and ISA Sponsorship Guide, both available on saatalk.info attached to any
ISA-focused telemeeting.