Love and Logic
Kathy Utter
Kate Wessel
Introduction
Love and Logic

A strategy used to reduce the reactivity
of adults to students by setting firm limits
in caring ways without anger, lecture and
threats. When students do cause
problems, the adults hand the problem
back to the student in caring ways that
promote thinking.
Background
“Drill Sergeant” approach
Tends to activate the Emotional Brain
Does not develop thinking skills
Insulting to some kids
Interferes with free will

A.W. Atkinson, MD
Background
 “Natural Consequences”
Good but often not sufficient
Adding empathy helps to increase the chances of
getting the thinking brain going
 Rewards, praise, stickers etc.
Develops expectancy of always getting something
Novelty wears off
Some kids are immune--don’t care
Does not develop thinking skills

A.W. Atkinson, MD
Background

When we start feeling frustrated, we
are entering the Emotional/Reactive Brain
Zone.

We are giving over our own control.
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We increase the students’ reactivity.
A.W. Atkinson, MD
Background
Love and Logic
Calms the reactive brain with empathy and
delayed consequences
Encourages thinking skills with choices and use
of problems solving with students
One liners help staff to be less reactive

A.W. Atkinson, MD
The Rules of Love and Logic

RULE #1
 Use enforceable limits
The Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #2
 Provide choices within
limits.
The Rules of Love and Logic

Rule #3
 Apply consequences with
empathy.
Enforceable Limits


Setting enforceable limits involves
telling students how you will be acting and
handling situations.
Enforceable Limits
The effective application of limits requires
that children have implied choices and be
forced into thinking mode.
This means that we are not telling kids
what to do we are telling them what we
will do. This is limit setting.

Enforceable Limits
 Turn Your Words Into
Gold
 “Get your finger out of your nose.”
 “I will listen to you when your fingers are not in your
nose.”
 “Stop whining.”
 “I will listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.”
 “You show some respect.”
Choices Within Limits

Give 99% of your choices when things are going
well.

Make deposits into the “Choices Saving Account”

Give choices before the student becomes resistant.

For each choice give two options, each of which you
like.

If your student does not make a timely choice, make
the choice for him/her.
Choices Within Limits
Delivery is important:
You’re welcome to--or-Feel free to--or-Would you rather--or-What would be best for you--or--
Choice Within Limits
Assigning math problems
Bathroom breaks
Free time
Homework
Choices Within Limits


Power Struggles
Often times winning a power struggle is
more important to a child than making a
good decision, particularly if the child feels
that he/she does not have much control
over things.
Choices Within Limits
Take a “Savings Account” approach
Make frequent deposits when things are going
well. Use phrases such as “That’s your
choice,” and “You decide.”
When you need to make a withdrawal it is
easier because the child sees you sharing
control. Use phrases such as, “Don’t I let you
make a lot of the choices? Well, this time I
need to decide.”
Choices Within Limits
 Don’t be afraid to say, “I usually give choices,
but not this time.”
 Never give a choice unless you are willing to let
the child experience the consequence of that
choice
 Never give choices when a child is in a
dangerous situation
 Never give choices unless you are willing to
make the choice if the child does not
Choices Within Limits

Shared Control
 “We either give control on our terms, or the kids
will take it on theirs.”
 “Do I want to control kids or do I want to obtain
their cooperation?”
 “We need control over our lives. When we don’t
get it, we go after control over others.”
Consequences With Empathy
The effective teacher administers
consequences with empathy and
understanding, as apposed to anger and
lecture.
When adults respond with anger and
lectures, children often transform their
sorrow into anger with the adult--the
lesson may be lost.
Consequences with Empathy



“No behavior technique will have a
lasting, positive result if it is not delivered
with compassion, empathy, or
understanding.”
Teaching with Love and Logic
Consequences With Empathy
 The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger.
 The child must “own” his or her pain rather than
blaming it on the adult.
 The adult-child relationship is maintained.
 The child is much less likely to seek revenge.
 The adult is seen as being able to handle
problems without breaking a sweat.
 The child learns through modeling to use
empathy with others.
Consequences With Empathy
 How to Destroy the Teaching Value of Logical
Consequences:
 Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.”
 Display anger or disgust
 Explain the value of the consequence
 Talk too much
 Feel sorry and give in
 Contrive a consequence for the purpose of
getting even
Consequences with Empathy
 Problems with Immediate Consequences:





Most of us have great difficulty thinking of
one while we are teaching.
We “own” the problem rather than handing it
back to the student. We do more thinking than
the child.
We are forced to react while we and the
student are upset.
Consequences with Empathy

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
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Problems with Immediate Consequences:
We don’t have time to anticipate how the
student, his/her parents, our administrators,
and others will react to our response.
We don’t have time to put together a
reasonable plan.
We often end up making threats we can’t
back up.
Consequences with Empathy


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Problems with Immediate Consequences:
We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of
empathy before providing the consequence.
Every day we live in fear that some student
will do something that we won’t know how to
handle with an immediate consequence.
Consequences with Empathy

“This is sad. I’m going to have to do
something about this. But not now, later.”
Consequences With Empathy
 Delayed Consequence


Consequences do not need to be delivered
immediately.
 Take time to develop a plan.
 Include the student in the development of the
consequence by using the problem solving
steps.
Consequences with Empathy
 Problem Solving Steps
Empathy: “How sad.” “Bummer.”
Send the power message: “What do you think you are
going to do?”
Offer choices: “”Would you like to hear what other kids
have tried.”
Have the child state the consequences: “And how would
that work for you?”
Give permission for the child to either solve or not solve
the problem: “Good luck. I hope it works out for you.”
Bonus Features

The One Sentence Intervention

 “I’ve noticed that__________. I’ve noticed that.”
 Do this twice a week for at least three weeks.
Bonus Features
Neutralize student arguing
Go Brain Dead
Choose a one-liner
“I respect you too much to argue.”
“I bet it feels that way.”
“Could be.”
Do not attempt to think--Become a broken
record. Keep voice soft.
Bonus Features
Love and Logic Classroom Rules
I will treat you with respect so you will
know how to treat me.
Feel free to do anything that does not
cause a problem for anyone else.
If you cause a problem, I’ll ask you to
solve it.
Bonus Features
Love and Logic Classroom Rules
Continued:
If you can’t solve the problem or chose not
to, I will do something.
What I do will depend on the special
person and the special circumstances.
If you feel something is unfair, whisper to
me, “I don’t think that’s fair,” and we will
talk.
Bonus Features
Teaseproof Your Students
Put on your “cool look”
Use a one liner, “Thanks for telling me.”
Walk away
Share with teacher in private
Resources
www.loveandlogic.com
Contact Kathy Utter to check out Love and
Logic resources such as DVDs, CDs, and
books.
Bibliography
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Teaching with Love and Logic
Jim Fay and David Funk
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Calming the Reactive Brain
presentation by A.W. Atkinson, MD