Assertiveness
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a form of behaviour, which demonstrates self respect, and respect
for others. It is also concerned with dealing with your own feelings about yourself and
other people, as much as with the end result.
Assertive behaviour is:
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Being open and honest with yourself and other people
Listening to other people’s points of view
Showing understanding of other people’s situations
Expressing your ideas clearly, but not at the expense of others
Being able to reach workable solutions to difficulties
Making decisions
Being clear about your point and not being side-tracked
Dealing with conflict
Having self-respect and respect for others
Being equal with others
Expressing feelings honestly and with care.
Benefits of assertive behaviour:
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Increased self-confidence
Improved understanding and communication
Other people know exactly where they are with you
Openness to receiving feedback
Relationships are based on reality rather than illusion
You stand a better chance of getting what you want
Better expression of feelings
You have fewer situations that are unresolved
Handling of confrontation more easily and satisfactorily
Feeling less stressed.
Symptoms that may indicate a lack of assertion
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You find it difficult to say ‘no’
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You shoulder the weight of responsibility for other people’s problems
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You feel frustrated that your opinion is not valued or is ignored
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You find it difficult to express your feelings honestly and openly
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You worry about your ability to be personally effective when making requests,
expressing personal opinions or coping with criticism effectively.
Five tips on assertive behaviour
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State or ask for what you want or need - don't expect others to know
automatically or read your mind. State your opinions clearly, using “I” rather
than “you”, “we” or “it”, and don't interrupt or allow yourself to be interrupted.
Be specific and describe the actions not the motives.
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Acknowledge your feelings; be calm and specific to add impact to your words.
Move from passive to active - e.g. 'I often feel angry when I allow people to
take advantage of me' is more assertive than 'Things keep happening to
make me angry'.
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Pay attention to your posture, gestures and facial expressions. Use direct eye
contact, and when appropriate stand with both feet on the ground.
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Think ahead and plan in advance what you want to say and what the
response may be - plan what you will say/do as your response. Listen actively
and ask questions for clarification. Allow for negotiation and respect the other
person’s rights.
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Learn how to give and receive genuine compliments and criticism. Remember
your strengths and forgive your own and others weaknesses.
Ways of enhancing assertion skills using day to day experiences
Be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs. State
reasonable requests directly and firmly. State your goals or intentions in a direct and
honest manner. State your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic. Being
responsible for your own behaviour will let you feel good about yourself.
Learn to say ‘no’ to unreasonable requests. Use the word ’no’ and offer an
explanation if you choose to, but do not feel you need to always apologize or offer an
explanation/excuse. Paraphrase the other person's point of view. This will let he/she
know that you hear and understand the request.
Ask for feedback. ‘Am I being clear?’ ‘How do you see this situation?’ ‘What do you
want to do?’ Asking for feedback can encourage others to correct any
misconceptions you may have as well as help others realise that you are expressing
an opinion, feeling, or desire rather than a demand. Encourage others to be clear,
direct, and specific in their feedback to you
When communicating with others use an appropriate tone of voice and body posture.
Maintain eye contact. Tone of voice should be appropriate to the situation. Stand or
sit at a comfortable distance from the other person. Gestures can be used to
emphasise what is being said and the word ‘I’ and ‘we’ should be used in statements
to convey your feelings.
Useful resources
Books:
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The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for
Yourself and at Work and in Relationships, Randy J. Paterson (2000)
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201 Ways to Say No Gracefully and Effectively, Alan Axelrod and James
Holtje (1997)
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Assertion Training: How to Be Who You Really Are, Shan Rees, et al (1991)
Videos:
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Straight Talking – The art of Assertiveness (Video Arts, 2002)
Website Links:
The Ashridge Virtual Learning Resource Centre has a useful learning guide called
Assertiveness. If you have internet access, click here to be linked to the Ashridge
site and select Learning Guides from the main menu.
www.troubleatwork.org.uk/ViewADocument.asp?ID=128