Actions
Sentences have characters and actions
Which is clearer?
• Version A
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the
Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
• Version B
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
Version B
• Its main characters are subjects of verbs.
• Those verbs express specific actions.
Sentences have characters and actions
Which is clearer?
• Version A
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was
taking place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the
Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing
her fright.
• Version B
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from
behind a tree and frightened her.
Version B
• Its main characters are subjects of verbs.
• Those verbs express specific actions.
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
• Simple subjects
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• Subjects of this sentence do not name its characters.
• The subjects name actions expressed in the NOUNS walk and jump.
Whole subject
Verb
a walk through the woods
the Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree
was taking place
occurred
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
• Simple subjects
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• Subjects of this sentence do not name its characters.
• The subjects name actions expressed in the NOUNS walk and jump.
Whole subject
Verb
a walk through the woods
the Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree
was taking place
occurred
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
• Simple subjects
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• Subjects of this sentence do not name its characters.
• The subjects name actions expressed in the NOUNS walk and jump.
Whole subject
Verb
a walk through the woods
the Wolf’s jump out from behind a tree
was taking place
occurred
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and frightened her.
• The Subjects and main characters are now the same.
Whole subject
Verb
Little Red Riding Hood
the Wolf
was walking
jumped, frightened
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and frightened her.
• The Subjects and main characters are now the same.
Whole subject
Verb
Little Red Riding Hood
the Wolf
was walking
jumped, frightened
Clarity principle 1: Make main characters subjects
Colour coding for this sentence
• Main characters
• Verbs
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking
through the woods, when the Wolf jumped out from behind
a tree and frightened her.
• The Subjects and main characters are now the same.
Whole subject
Verb
Little Red Riding Hood
the Wolf
was walking
jumped, frightened
Clarity principle 2: Make important actions verbs
Colour coding for this sentence
• Actions
• Verbs
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• The actions of this sentence are not expressed in verbs, but in
abstract nouns.
Clarity principle 2: Make important actions verbs
Colour coding for this sentence
• Actions
• Verbs
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• The actions of this sentence are not expressed in verbs, but in
abstract nouns.
Clarity principle 2: Make important actions verbs
Colour coding for this sentence
• Actions
• Verbs
Once upon a time, as a walk through the woods was taking
place on the part of Little Red Riding Hood, the Wolf’s
jump out from behind a tree occurred, causing her fright.
• The actions of this sentence are not expressed in verbs, but in
abstract nouns.
A more pertinent example
• Have you ever written/read a sentence like this in a paper?
The Federalists’ argument in regard to the destabilization of the government by popular democracy was based
on their belief in the tendency of actions to further their
self-interest at the expense of the common good.
• Is this clearer ? (not much shorter but clearer)
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government because they believed that factions
tended to further their self-interest at the expense of
the common good.
• Why?
A more pertinent example
• Have you ever written/read a sentence like this in a paper?
The Federalists’ argument in regard to the destabilization of the government by popular democracy was based
on their belief in the tendency of actions to further their
self-interest at the expense of the common good.
• Is this clearer ? (not much shorter but clearer)
The Federalists argued that popular democracy destabilized government because they believed that factions
tended to further their self-interest at the expense of
the common good.
• Why?
Verbs and Actions
A sentence seems clear when its important actions are in verbs
Verbs and Actions
A sentence seems clear when its important actions are in verbs
Reader will think your writing is dense if
• you use lots of abstract nouns
• Especially if these are derived from VERBS and ADJECTIVES
(nominalizations)
• i.e. nouns ending in -tion, -ment, -ence, ....
• Problem more pronounced when you make the abstract nouns
the subjects of verbs.
Examples of Nominalizations
Can also nominalize a verb by adding a -ing
She flies → her flying,
We sang → our singing
Revision is a three-step process
1. Diagnose
• Ignoring short introductory phrases, underline the first seven
or eight words in each sentence
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations
means the loss of jobs for many American workers.
• Then look for two things:
- Highlight abstract nouns as simple subjects.
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by
corporations means the loss of jobs for many American
workers.
- You read seven or more words before getting to a verb.
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by
corporations means the loss of jobs for many American
workers.
Revision is a three-step process
2. Analyze
• Decide who your main characters are
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations
means the loss of jobs for many American workers.
• Look for the actions that those characters perform
The outsourcing of high-tech work to Asia by corporations
means the loss of jobs for many American workers.
Revision is a three-step process
3. Rewrite
• If the actions are nominalizations, make them verbs.
outsourcing −→ outsource; loss −→ lose
• Make the characters the subjects of those verbs.
corporations outsource; American workers lose
• Rewrite the sentence with SUBORDINATING
CONJUNCTIONS like
because, if, when, although, why, how, whether, that . . .
X Many middle-class American workers are losing their jobs
because corporations are outsourcing their high-tech work to
Asia.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• The nominalization is the subject of an empty verb such as
be, seems, has,...
7
X
The intention of the committee is to audit the records.
The committee intends to audit the records.
• The nominalization follows an empty verb
7
X
The agency conducted an investigation into the matter.
The agency investigated the matter.
• One nominalization is the subject of an empty verb and a
second nominalization follows an empty verb.
7
X
Our loss in sales was a result of their expansion of outlets.
We lost sales because they expanded outlets.
Some Common Patterns
• A nominalization follows there is or there are
7
X
There is no need for further study of this problem.
We need not study this problem further.
• Two or three nominalization in a row are joined by
prepositions
7
X
X
We did a review of the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed how the brain evolved.
Some Common Patterns
• A nominalization follows there is or there are
7
X
There is no need for further study of this problem.
We need not study this problem further.
• Two or three nominalization in a row are joined by
prepositions
7
X
X
We did a review of the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed how the brain evolved.
Some Common Patterns
• A nominalization follows there is or there are
7
X
There is no need for further study of this problem.
We need not study this problem further.
• Two or three nominalization in a row are joined by
prepositions
7
X
X
We did a review of the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed how the brain evolved.
Some Common Patterns
• A nominalization follows there is or there are
7
X
There is no need for further study of this problem.
We need not study this problem further.
• Two or three nominalization in a row are joined by
prepositions
7
X
X
We did a review of the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed the evolution of the brain.
First, we reviewed how the brain evolved.
Top tip
• Underline the first seven or eight words of every sentence.
• If you don’t see in those words
- a character as a subject and
- a verb as a specific action
you have a candidate for revision!
Exercises
Exercises
Exercises
Exercises