How To Set Boundaries For A
Healthy Relationship
February 23, 2011
I recently read a letter to Dear Abby
in the Daily Gleaner written by a woman
who at the age of 12 was drugged and
sexually abused by her cousin. As a
teenager, she writes, she struggled with
depression and anxiety. She goes on to say
that with the help of a support group and a
therapist she was able to, eventually, process
the “terrible memories” and embark on a
journey of recovery and healing. She makes
reference to having learned how to set
boundaries in her relationships. Her purpose
in writing the letter, she tells Dear Abby,
was to encourage other “survivors” to access
the help they need so that they can go on to
live full lives.
Low self-esteem impacts negatively
on our ability to establish boundaries and
enjoy healthy relationships. With low selfesteem come insecurity and lack of
assertiveness, which can lead people to lose
themselves in a relationship especially
where the other person is domineering and
aggressive. It has been estimated in the selfesteem literature that over 90% of us have
low self-esteem to one degree or another.
Given this statistic, it is reasonable to expect
that most of us are not very adept at
developing relationships that are safe,
supportive, respectful, and peaceful.
Being empowered means accepting
the responsibility of being the co-creator of
our selves and our lives and to stop giving
away our power through blaming. Until you
accept that you have choices you are not
likely to make a different choice. When you
don’t accept that you have chosen to be who
you are and the life you are living, you are
likely to feel resentful and trapped. Life
events occur in a way that we seemingly do
not have a choice over, losing a job or the
car breaking down, a flood or the death of a
loved one. However, we do have a choice
over how we respond to these situations.
We can see the disastrous and the tragic as
opportunities for growth.
So what are boundaries and how do
you establish boundaries in relationships?
Boundaries are not thick walls that we build
around ourselves to insulate us from others
and the world but rather limits that we set so
that we can get close to others without
losing ourselves, being smothered, or being
violated in some way. Boundaries emerge
from what we believe we deserve, from the
knowledge that what we want and need is
important, and from a deep sense of our
personal rights.
Before we can feel worthy and
empowered to set limits by identifying what
is and what is not acceptable in our
relationships, we need to learn to accept that
we are worthy enough to stand up and be
counted, to be assertive, and to communicate
directly and respectfully.
Boundaries in relationships are like
the doors in a house. Setting a boundary is
like asking a person to knock on the door
before entering the house. Once the other
person knocks on the door, you have the
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356 Queen Street, Fredericton NB E3B 1B2
Tel: 506-458-8211; Fax: 506-451-9437
www.familyenrichment.ca
[email protected]
right to deny entrance, request a way of
behaving once inside before opening the
door, or request that they return at a later
date.
takes even more courage to defend the
boundary each and every time it’s violated.
Like the woman in the letter to Dear
Abby, each of us can heal the past and create
peaceful, loving relationships with ourselves
and others.
There are three steps to set a
boundary: 1. Describe the objectionable
behaviour as specifically as possible without
assumptions, interpretations, or ascribing
intentions and motives. 2. Express how you
feel when this behaviour takes place. 3.
Ask specifically for the behaviours that you
want. The process could sound like this:
“When you are talking to me and your face
gets red and your voice gets loud and you
clench your hands into fists, I feel scared
and hurt. I want you to speak to me in a
calm voice and in a respectful manner.
Otherwise, I will not stay here and listen.”
Anne Marie Hartford is the executive
director of Family Enrichment and
Counselling Service Fredericton. Please
send
comments
to
[email protected]
Part of setting a boundary involves
identifying the consequence if the boundary
is violated. A consequence is not what you
will do to the other person but rather what
you are prepared to do to take care of your
self. Consequences are not threats but
something you are prepared to follow
through with if the boundary is not
respected. If you are not sure that you are
prepared to follow through, do not state the
consequence. Threats have the opposite
effect of consequences. Threats leave you
feeling used when the boundary is violated
and you do nothing about it. Threats are like
crying wolf, people learn to ignore you.
Consequences, on the other hand, lead you
to feel empowered and teach others to take
you seriously.
It is scary to stand up to a bully. It
takes courage to set boundaries with those
with whom we have been involved in
manipulative or abusive relationships. It
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356 Queen Street, Fredericton NB E3B 1B2
Tel: 506-458-8211; Fax: 506-451-9437
www.familyenrichment.ca
[email protected]