Good Morning,
Today’s class is Understanding and Creating Personal and Relational Boundaries.
-Define Personal Boundaries
-Notes: 7 Types of boundaries
-Personal Boundaries Activity: Personal Space
-Identifying your personal boundaries
-Reflection #18
“The shortest route to better boundaries is to really like yourself. Better yet,
really love yourself.”
-Unknown
What are personal boundaries?
Why are they important?
Personal Boundaries…
guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to
identify for themselves what are reasonable,
safe and permissible ways for other people to
behave around them and how they will respond
when someone steps outside of those limits.
They are built out of a mix of beliefs, opinions,
attitudes, past experiences, and social learning.
“Boundaries are a life enhancing system of “yes”
and “no‟s.” They are stop signs and borders you
install to protect yourself so that it is clear that
you own your life, make good choices, and
pursue the authentic expression of who you are
in the way you live, love, give and relate.”
(Source: Black, J. & Enns, G. (1997) Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life.
Oakland, CA. Raincoast Books)
1. Personal Boundaries
•Personal boundaries are physical,
emotional and mental limits we establish to
protect ourselves from being manipulated,
used, or violated.
2. Emotional boundaries
•Healthy emotional boundaries separate
and distinguish our emotions and
responsibilities from those of others. A
person with healthy emotional boundaries
does not find it necessary to give unsolicited
advice, try to make someone else feel better,
try to fix or rescue others from their
problem, or blame others for the state of
their life.
3. Mental boundaries
•Mental boundaries refer to the ability to define
and stay true to your thoughts, values and
opinions. Healthy mental boundaries enable us
to think our own thoughts and form our own
opinions, and with that the ability to reject
thoughts and opinions that we do not agree
with.
4. Material boundaries
•Material boundaries determine what belongs
to you, and what you wish to do with your
money and belongings. If codependents tend
to lack awareness of their self worth and
identity, they may use their material
belongings to manipulate those around them.
They may bestow gifts on others when it’s
uncalled for with the sole aim of winning their
favor or affection.
5. Physical boundaries
•
Physical boundaries refer to your personal
space, privacy, and body. These boundaries
relate to what, where, when, and with whom
you would like to get close to.
6. Spiritual boundaries
•
Spiritual boundaries define our beliefs
and our place in the scheme of life. Having
healthy spiritual boundaries enables us to
define our personal relationship. If we
practice implementing a spiritual boundary,
then even when others try to impose their
beliefs on us, we feel free to define and
explore our life purpose, gifts and talents to
then decide what suits us best.
Difficulties in setting boundaries
Boundaries are not something we are born with; we
learn them as we grow up. But if raised in a
dysfunctional or addicted family where there were
few rules or limits on unacceptable behavior, it is
likely we would not be aware of our right to set
healthy limits in our relationships.
Below are some common reasons codependents find it difficult to set
boundaries in relationships.
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We were never taught how to set healthy boundaries
We suffer from low self-esteem and low self-worth
We do not consider ourselves worthy to be recognized
We believe we do not deserve to be treated equally
We do not know our needs and wants
We do not believe we have a right to assert our needs and wants
We believe other people’s needs and wants are more important than our own
We don’t know how to say no
We believe we are helpless in the face of other’s demands
We do not know we have a choice to protest unacceptable behavior
We believe we will be rejected, ridiculed or abandoned
We believe we may anger and displease others
We believe we will appear arrogant or selfish
We take on other people’s responsibilities and enmesh our lives in theirs
We believe it is against our culture and upbringing to ask for respect
http://hamrah.co/en/pages/boundaries-and-codependency/
Physical Boundary
How was/can it be violated? What can you do to enforce it?
i.e. Purse/Backpack
i.e. Friend goes through it
i.e./Remind friend to ask, do not leave purse/backpack unattended
Your Body Personal Space
Personal Space Activity
If your group chooses, try the following exercise to measure personal space boundaries.
1.Get into groups of 2 – try to choose someone you do not know well.
2. Each pair stands facing each other, about 5 feet apart
3. Have person A close their eyes and stand still, while person B walks slowly and quietly
towards them.
4. Have person A say „Stop‟ when person he/she feels that the other person has gotten to
close. They can then open their eyes.
5. Switch roles and repeat.
Sexual Boundaries
A sexual boundary is how far we are willing to take what we do sexually or physically. Maybe you have
never thought about it but it is important to know of and be aware of your
sexual limits and how to maintain them. Do not be swayed by a persuasive potential lover to do
something or be something you are not.
Relational Boundaries are those that are in place for the various types of relationships that you have in
your life. For example, your relationship with a bus driver you see on a regular basis is very different from the
relationship you have with a best friend.
Your Personal Boundaries: What are they?
Reflection #18
Using Boundaries In Your Relationship – Watch Out!
Should you put your foot down in your relationship or should you try to be
more flexible?
We all make boundaries in relationships and they often work well for us. We know what we can
accept and will tolerate from our partners or friends. Boundaries are our self-protection and can
stop us from getting hurt. However, sometimes boundaries can cause misunderstanding and
breakups.
Connect to todays class by retelling what you’ve learned, relating to it, and
reflecting on it.
What are your personal boundaries and how are
they working in your relationship?
How about your partner's boundaries – can you live
up to them? Are your boundaries in
harmony with each other?
Relationship boundaries vary dramatically from
person to person and can be big or small.
Examples of big boundaries – would you accept a
friend or partner who:
Is having an affair
Uses illicit drugs on a regular basis
Abuses you,
Hurts your children or your pets
The big boundaries are what you might not tolerate
and cause your relationship to end.
Then there are the smaller boundaries
Examples of smaller boundaries:
Places you prefer they not go
Do not approve of other friends
Actions you want them to do daily
Food you prefer they eat or not eat
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries
1. Personal
2. Emotional
3. Mental
4. Material
5. Physical
6. Spiritual
My Personal
Boundaries
Family
Friends
Acquaintances
Strangers
My Personal Boundaries
It’s OK
Family:
Friends:
Dating Partner:
Acquaintances:
Strangers:
It’s not OK
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtsHUeKnkC8
Boundaries-TedTalk