Relational Messages
Take Away Points
• Vocab: relationship, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm relational
messages
• How do relational messages function?
• What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about
relationships? About dysfunctional relationships?
• URPs
• What are the aspects of an URP?
• What are the things you need to identify to fix them?
• How can you stop an URP?
• How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together?
• What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?
What is a relationship?
• Mental models that label and classify relationships and specify how
members should treat one another
• Accumulation of relational messages
What are examples of typical “relational messages” in
the following relationships?
• Romantic relationships
• Friendships
• Best friends
• Supervisor/employee
• (Or student/teacher)
Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our
self concept.
Relational messages affect our self worth, and thus our
self concept.
Discussion
• What do people want out of a relationship? How can your
communication in the relationship give/deny them that?
Relational Message Patterns
Dysfunctional Relationships
Palo Alto Group
• Group of scholars interested in relationships, specifically
dysfunctional ones
• Where were they at?
Relationships are more than the sum of 2 personalities.
The PAG says dysfunctional relationships have 3
principles.
1. They are created by both people working together
2. To understand relational dysfunction, you need to identity
repeated sequences.
3. It’s not productive to blame individuals for a way a relationship
progresses.
Nonlinear Dynamic Systems
• A relationship is a NDS
• Dynamic with 2 people
• Input, Throughput, Output
Punctuation in a relationship can be used to shift blame
to an action rather than an interaction.
• Jill is making
an anniversary
dinner
• Jill spills salt
in dinner
• Jack says they
can’t eat it
• Jill gets upset
Unwanted Repetitive Patterns (URPs)
• Clear sequence for interaction
• Recurrent pattern: always happens
• Regardless of topic/situation, going to revisit sequence
• Sequence unwanted (both people don’t want it to happen)
• Both feel “we did it again”
• *Think of an example of someone who you frequently go through this
pattern with
Changing URPs
• We seek to understand the problem in order to change
• Fractal: a self-replicating pattern
• Repeated behavior that grows larger every time
• Strange attractor: the logic or reasoning that determines how we
make decisions
• Sensitivity to initial condition; first time helps to embed the problem
• If can identify fractal and strange attractor, can change problem,
but very hard
Changing URPs
• Change your behaviors
• Use third parties
• Reaffirm your relational goals
• Spend more/less time with the person
• Try changing an external situation
• Watch example! (Arrow, S1, E3, at 29 min)
From example…
• What did it seem like the URP was?
• How did the mother attempt to break it?
• Do you think she ultimately succeeded in breaking the URP?
What behaviors tell us our relationship is in danger of
falling apart?
• Arguments about how to punctuate interactions
• Disconfirming messages
• URPs
• Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio!
Scenario
• Mom and teenage son – Mom complaining about son’s behavior,
son always withdrawing. More Mom nags, more son withdraws,
and vice versa.
• They have come to you as a “communication expert” to help.
• What do you need to identify (and get them to identify) to help
them?
• Brainstorm how they might try to stop the URP (at least 2 ways)
Take Away Points
• Vocab: relationships, punctuation, confirming/disconfirm
relational messages
• How do relational messages function?
• What are the assumptions of the Palo Alto group about
relationships? About dysfunctional relationships?
• URPs
• What are the aspects of an URP?
• What are the things you need to identify to fix them?
• How can you stop an URP?
• How do “episode punctuation” and blame go together?
• What is Goffman’s magic 5:1 ratio?