Jon Stewart
Mr. Secretary meet me at camera three. “Goodness gracious.”
Mr. Secretary, we are three years into what may be the worst
managed war in American history. What’s up with the “Gollies”
and the “Oh my’s.” Those are apt for, say, when your pen
leeks. We are in what, to be honest, could be called a
catastrofuck. As a matter of fact I would say this is a situation
that calls for colorful language. I think we actually moved past
up shit’s creek about two and a half years ago. Most people
think we’re just plain fucked, double-fucked.
So “gee willikers,” “gollie goodness,” “jeepers
creepers”—that doesn’t do it. Other people just want to
open their mouths and yell “You incompetent mother
fucker!” but nothing comes out, nothing comes out,
because the pain in their hearts has rendered them
mute. I would venture to say there’s not a man alive
who would refer to anything relating to Iraq or the War
on Terror or The Pentagon with anything associated with
the word “golly.”
I guess what I am saying is Jesus #%#Y%&@.
The Two Clowns: “Auguste” (Stewart, left) and “White” (Colbert,
right)
Jon Stewart
Larry Wilmore, John Oliver, John Hodgman, Aasif Mandvi (clockwise from left)
The Daily Show
Iran’s Holocaust Denial
Conference.
12/13/06 (226-503)
The Daily Show
Aasif Mandvi on Dubai.
3/12/07 (722-828)
Stewart: Our Senior New Correspondent Aasif Mandvi is
stationed in Dubai. He joins us now. . . . This move by
Haliburton . . .
Mandvi: Jon, actually it’s now Al-ee-bre-toon.
Stewart: Why are they moving to Dubai?
Mandvi: Why does anyone move anywhere? Great public schools.
Stewart: That’s a joke, right?
Mandvi: Oh, god, yes. Truthfully it’s boredom. Haliburton has
gone as far as it’s going to go in America. Our corporate
culture, while at times corrupt, lacks that perverse edge of
gluttonous Caligulan decadence you can only get in a country
where Michael Jackson is the ideal immigrant. They welcomed
him with open boys.
Stewart: That’s not on our statue of liberty. [Audible disgust from
the audience]. What can the company do now that it couldn’t
do before?
Mandvi: In America Haliburton is still bound by certain laws, both
corporate and moral. Here, it’s a freer atmosphere. Let’s say
you’re trying to get a business deal done: in America, you
take the CEO to dinner, you play a little golf. Know what really
closes the deal? When you let someone fuckin kill an
endangered white rhino.
Stewart: You can do that there?
Mandvi: I know a guy.
Stewart: When is the move?
Mandvi: As soon as their corporate headquarters is completed.
[We see an artist’s rendering of Skull Island.]
The Daily Show
John Oliver on ironic distance.
12/4/06 (657-1016)
Giving and Taking Offence, University of Aveio, Portugal
The Daily Show
John Oliver on Bush’s offer to
have Rove appear before
the congress.
3/21/07 (602-949)
Stewart: This offer by the President . . .
Oliver: It’s a major concession from the President’s initial
offer to congress which was that they go fuck
themselves.
Stewart: That was his first offer?
Oliver: That was his first three.
Stewart: But you know John you are not allowed to lie to
Congress under any circumstances, so why not let them
go and testify under oath.
Oliver: Because the White House is adamant that they
retain the right, if they so choose, to lie.
Stewart: To lie?
Oliver: To lie without consequences—it’s executive
privilege. . . .
Stewart: John it strikes me, and I don’t mean to be rude
here, as bull shit.
Oliver: Bull shit or bull fact? Look Jon, if Karl Rove knew
he’d one day be forced to testify under oath about
advice he gave the President, he would have to he’d
have to limit that advice to things that weren’t
shameful, illegal, or spectacularly boneheaded. Jon, I
don’t think that’s what Thomas Jefferson had in mind
when he wrote: “The princes who have done great
things are the ones who have been known to turn men’s
brains with guile.”
Stewart: I think actually that was Machiavelli.
Oliver: If I may quote Stalin, “Does it really matter whose
idea it was?”
Stewart: I think that was actually Tony Snow yesterday.
Oliver: Great minds.
Stewart: I don’t know why Karl Rove can’t just walk up to
Congress, put his hand on the bible, and tell the fuckin’
truth.
Oliver: That is all very well John, but I think we all
remember what happened the last time he did that. [We
see an open bible with an imprint of a hand burnt into
its pages.] The room smelled like burnt bacon for three
weeks.
The Daily Show
Jason Jones reports on a
dismissed gay Arabic
translator.
9/18/06 (552-1144)