Sexual Brokenness and Healing
It feels a bit funny being up here again to speak about sexuality. While illicit sex is all
around us every day, it is harder to speak openly and honestly about these things in the
church.
So, just to recap from two weeks ago:
1. God created us as sexual beings – sex is a good thing that we should view as a gift
2. God’s purpose for sex was two-fold: having children in marriage and for oneness
in marriage
3. Righteous sex or sacred sex is guilt free, giving, and gracious
a. God’s place for sex is only within marriage: One man, one woman, for life
(naked and unashamed) Heb 13:4 Marriage is honorable among all, and
the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (NKJV)
b. Sacred sex is about pleasing your spouse, not yourself. Husbands need to
nurture and care for their wives emotionally, wives need to show love to
their husbands physically. Eph 5:28 In this same way, husbands ought to
love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
We want to give the right message about sex to our young people. I heard one
speaker say we shouldn’t convey the message “sex is evil and dirty, so save it for
someone you really love”. Sex in marriage is a wonderful gift that I want every 6
person who is called by God to get married to enjoy this gift in its fullest, unpolluted
form.
Now, what about those of us who have fallen on the wrong side of this message? Perhaps
you’ve already destroyed your marriage through an affair. Maybe you are currently
hiding an addiction to pornography, maybe you are just a sex addict who is ruining your
relationship with you wife with your selfishness. What about us?
God’s standard is purity
First I want to emphasize the high standard of purity for the follower of Christ.
Eph 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind
of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4 Nor should
there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather
thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person-such a
man is an idolater-has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no
one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on
those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
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We must take this very seriously. It is so easy to become lax with purity in our culture.
We may think we are doing pretty well because we compare ourselves to the world, but
always the Word of God must be our standard and that standard is purity. Unmixed, not
even a hint. No obscenity in our speech. No sexual innuendo in our jokes. No second
looks. Pure white without a hint of gray.
Reminder: I’m not speaking to you and saying I’m perfect. I have struggled and been a
failure in this area of my life, but God has brought healing to me and I want to share that
hope with you. Even now this is an area of weakness where I must be careful.
Culture Affects Us
We’ve got to realize how much we are affected by the TV or movies we watch and really
be careful about what we put into our minds. We need to realize the pervasiveness of
pornography is ruining our culture. Rampant illicit sex is the theme of our culture. It
promises much but delivers little. As a people we have come to see sexuality as the
ultimate fulfillment, and expect happiness to be found in sex. Our culture says, sex is
your right, it is your reward. It’s all about getting what you need. Sexual freedom in
our culture over promises and under-delivers.
While sex within marriage is a great gift, it is not why we were created. It is but a part of
the bigger picture of intimacy that God has created us to enjoy. Why were we created?
Connectedness with God first and with others is the essence of life. Everything we
do at work or play is basically ways to connect with each other. For eternity in heaven
we may work and play and eat and all that. In the end we may have satisfaction over
what our hands have created, but without human relationships those things are hollow.
And while sex may be pleasurable even in the wrong context, it is a hollowed out and
empty experience apart from the lifetime connection of marriage which anchors this
bonding act in the ONLY context that allows it to be done within God’s purposes
allowing it to be perfect and without regret. But our culture says, sex is your right, it is
your reward. And so many fall prey to the clutches of sexual additions.
The Root of Sexual Sin
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Now, I use this scripture carefully as I think it is one that is often misused and applied as
a general truth for the saved and unsaved alike. As you will see later, this is not true.
Those who are saved have been given a new a heart – though working out our salvation is
not instantaneous, but takes time for the process to work from the inside out.
It is hard to see or understand the depths of our own brokenness. Generally at the root
of a person’s inability to control their sexual sins and have healthy life giving
relationships is a lonely and un-nurtured heart. And when I say heart in this context I
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really mean the whole soul of a person, your thoughts and patterns of behavior. The unnurtured soul has places in it which were never properly loved and fathered when
growing up, sometimes wounded by the ones who were supposed to protect them. I
know there are people here this morning that were sexually or otherwise abused by
family members or abandoned in some way. It may not even have been a huge thing
when you look back on it, but you realize there is something there that still affects you.
I know that I grew up with a sense of loneliness that I could never quite put my finger on.
I also have longed for affirmation. Who am I really? Do I measure up as a man? I was,
unlike now, generally small and scrawny. I was picked on by my brothers and sisters for
being so skinny. I also loved playing sports, but was never good enough to make any of
the school teams.
I was the youngest of 5 kids and my parents were 45 when I was born. When I was about
12 or 13, my older sister and brother, whom I had pretty much done everything with,
were now mostly elsewhere with their respective boyfriend/girlfriend. Some of my
friends from school had started partying and smoking pot – I didn’t want anything to do
with that. I found myself home a lot with my parents who were now in their late 50’s and
not very fun or engaged with me personally. I was lonely, I was unsure of myself, and I
had too much time on my hands.
(Diagram from Breaking Free) On the left we see a healthy parental relationship – the
child is nurtured by a parent with a solid core. The child develops a good sense of who
they are in Christ and grows to have healthy relationships. On the right we see a
relationship which lacks nurturing. There is a lack of closeness, and the child has a sense
of emptiness which he or she thinks he will find fulfilled in someone else. Remember the
line from Jerry McGuire – “you complete me”. This is a lie. A spouse is intended to
complement, not complete.
Now all of us, to some degree or another came from imperfect homes. Something like
this is generally at the root of sexual sin. For a man it often is a misplaced means to feel
better about who he is. You may look to sex to satisfy that ache in your soul. That
emptiness or loneliness that doesn’t go away. For a woman you may look to sex to get
the love that your soul needs, the attention you didn’t get as a child.
If the root of sexual sin is an under-nourished heart, the solution (not that there is a quick
easy fix) is a well fed, well connected heart. That comes first from being nourished by
God and then by having real relationships with others. You are saying – “if it were
simple I’d have done it by now.” So let’s talk about breaking the cycle of sexual sin.
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The Cycle of Sexual Sin
I was introduced to pornography very early in my life. Maybe 8 or so? I remember the
rush of excitement when I would stumble upon a magazine behind a store or in my older
brother’s bedroom. I remember a kid in the neighborhood I walked through to go to
school showed me a whole suitcase full he had. It felt exciting and satisfying. Self
gratification was a way to pass the time and fill the lonely ache in my soul. Later in
adulthood, I would still turn to pornography and self gratification to deal with the stress
of life.
We live in a world that is high stress. We’ve been taught not to take the time to get the
true connections to others that our soul really longs for. Again, connection with God first
and with others. We tend to let our souls get so empty that they ache. We need
something to make us feel better. Now some of you are saying that God is the answer –
and He is – but often the patterns we’ve set in our souls don’t know how to connect with
the Holy Spirit when we feel this way and we go down a path we’ve been down hundreds
of times before.
We turn to sex to ease the pain in our hearts. It gives a false feeling of something good, it
eases the pain of our souls, for a moment. Then we are back to reality but not only do we
still have the same issues, we now carry guilt. For those who have illicit affairs there are
the added complications of broken promises, entanglements, diseases, pregnancies.
Again, sexual indulgence over promises and under-delivers. Let’s look at the cycle of
addiction:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
We respond to the desire to escape reality through something sexual
These thoughts capture our attention and we begin the hunt
We make the connection – a magazine, a movie, a website, a person
We go through with the act
We feel the letdown and shame
We vow to never do it again
We start the cycle over - carrying fresh shame
Often the shame of this very cycle drives us back to our old ways. We feel such a lack
due to the shame of our hearts that we need something to medicate the pain away. That is
why grace is such an important part of breaking this cycle.
In addition the chemistry going on with illicit sexual activity makes it very hard to break.
Pornography addiction has been compared to crack cocaine as far as the chemical
reactions taking place in the brain and their addictive power. Often we justify these
actions in various ways to minimize the fact that we know deep down we aren’t living
right and we have failed at every attempt to stop.
At this point, it can feel very hopeless for the sex addict. A person may even have
anger toward God wondering why he hasn’t been set free yet. It can even heighten a
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person’s sense of abandonment that they may be carrying in their heart since childhood
feeling that now God himself has abandoned them. But this is not true.
Breaking the Cycle – Walking in New Life
Breaking free requires grace so that the wounded heart can be healed. It requires facing
the truth about our sinfulness and how we hurt the people we love. It requires learning
the truth about who God really is and how he really loves us. It requires setting up
boundaries and walls to help protect you in the process.
It was ‘96 when I realized I was walking in this pattern of falling and getting up only to
fall again. I often would stay down and wallow in my shame for long periods of time. In
the outfield of the now extinct Three Rivers Stadium – it was a Promise Keepers event – I
wept before God and committed myself to him that I would leave sexual impurity behind
me for good. And I was serious. Yet I would find myself falling again. This went on for
another 4 or 5 years. Little by little, the truth of God set free areas of my heart that were
in bondage and needed the truth. I learned to put some things in place like accountability
to help the process. And I continued to pursue God’s grace. It wasn’t just a single
moment that I suddenly was set free, and even now I know this is an area of weakness
that I still put certain safeguards in place in my life to help avoid temptation.
One key for me was knowing that God loves me as his child. I could never earn God’s
favor no matter how hard I tried, and yet I don’t have to because I am in Christ. And
amazingly, when you stop beating yourself up about how inadequate you are – you
become able to experience God’s love for you as the person he created you to be. You
see, it is the power of God within us that enables us to be holy. It enables us to walk
without even a hint of sexual immorality. We cannot do it on our own but rather:
Phil 2:12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed-not only in my
presence, but now much more in my absence-continue to work out your salvation with
fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his
good purpose.
Earlier I read the scripture about the heart being wicked. See I believe that applies to
someone before they become a child of God. God has a better promise.
Ezek 11:19 "I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will
remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. 20 Then they will
follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be
their God. 21 But as for those whose hearts are devoted to their vile images and
detestable idols, I will bring down on their own heads what they have done, declares the
Sovereign LORD."
We need to leave the old and learn to walk in the new. The healing process of our
broken hearts can be tricky. There are times when we need to go back and examine –
with the guidance of the Holy Spirit and often with a counselor – what are the things in
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our past which are dominating our present state of mind. We may be harboring
unforgiveness toward someone and that root of bitterness is holding us in bondage to the
past. We need to consciously forgive those who have hurt us in the past – even if they
are no longer around. If they are still alive it is most helpful to actually express this to
them in person or at least in a letter.
Breaking Free – is a process.
Facing the truth. We need to taste fully the pain that we cause others with our sin. It
requires facing the truth about our sinfulness and how we hurt the people we love.
Sometimes a man needs to stand downwind of himself and get a good whiff. The pain I
caused Janet by looking at porn was real. She had every right to be hurt and angry.
Grace for healing. Patience and forgiveness from those who are close to the offender
are essential. I’m not suggesting a spouse takes this lightly, but we all need to remember
where we came from and we need to realize we are all desperately lost without Christ.
We aren’t perfect now nor will we ever be this side of eternity. But like Paul we press on
toward the goal.
Boundaries to guide the way. We can struggle with the cycle and keep leaving carnage
and hurt in our wake, or we can set up guard rails while we are clear minded that will
help to keep us from falling even when we want to. These shouldn’t be permanent
things, but part of the process. Covenant Eyes. Don’t watch TV alone.
Learn God’s truth about who He is and what His love is like – This really is the key.
Jesus said the truth will set you free. Learning about who we are and how God loves us
and wants to be our true father. How he took our shame and we don’t have to carry it.
In the Old Testament there was a ritual of the scapegoat. They would take scapegoat and
confess all the sins of all the people over this goat, and then lead the goat into a solitary
wilderness in the desert and release it. This is a picture of what Christ has done for us.
The Scapegoat represents Christ:
 He carried our sin upon himself
 He was taken outside of the city to be crucified (Heb 13:12)
 He bore the shame of our sin that we deserve (Heb 12:2, 13:13)
Heb 13:12 And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy
through his own blood. 13 Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace
he bore.
Because Jesus bore our shame we don’t have to. The disgrace this verse speaks of that
we must bear is the public disgrace of following Jesus in the world. But this is a small
thing after we are released from the shame of our sin.
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Learning to walk with God in true closeness. When our hearts are close to God, and
we have connection with Him and with each other, the false things fall away. We no
longer desire the counterfeit when we have the real. Complete dependence on God is the
goal. We want to become more dependent on God and interdependent with each other.
Developing open and honest relationships. One of the banes of the openly homosexual
culture is the death of true male friendships. Men need to have close friendships with
other men. The heart is looking for connection.
Now I know that was a shotgun blast and I don’t expect that listening to this one sermon
will fix anything. But I want to challenge you that God’s standard is purity and that you
can break free from the patterns of sex addiction. I want to give you hope that real
people have overcome these things and you are not alone.
Who is willing to help? You are not alone.
I’ve asked a few people to briefly share their testimonies this morning so that you can
know you are not alone and that there are people who want to help you overcome the
bondage of sexual sin.
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Best thing is prevention
Points by Mark Kastleman
Teach sacred sexuality – don’t say “sex is dirty and evil so you should save it for
someone you really love”
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