A Koan for Couples in Conflict - by Jim Roberts
As a couples therapist people often ask me, “How do you listen all day to people
talk about their problems?” My answer: “If it means listening to them blaming someone, I
can’t stand it.”
You might say it’s a good thing I can’t stand it, because there’s nothing therapeutic
in blaming. It’s not the kind of honest self-inquiry we do in psychotherapy. So when
people blame I interrupt just as quickly as I can.
When the blaming takes place in my office between two people I interrupt as
compassionately as I can, without blaming anyone and without making any demands. I do
it more or less like this: “Excuse me, I’d like to jump in here with some comments and
suggestions. I believe that each of you has something important to say to the other. My
goal is to help you hear from each other what I hear. What’s more, I’m convinced that you
can say what really matters using just two simple guidelines: No Blaming and No Demands.”
Amazing things happen when I interrupt conflict in this way. Just as a koan from
the Zen Buddhist tradition can only be answered by transcending the usual ways of
thinking, No Blaming and No Demands, functions as a koan for the couple, gently
challenging each party to shift attention to another aspect of their reality. Invariably, this
creates a level playing field. Suddenly there is no bad guy or good guy; no victim and no
victimizer. Men and women are equally confounded by the new guidelines, their
confusion serving as testimony to the rigid pattern that has high-jacked their attention.
Confusion that leads to new possibilities is preferable to blaming that perpetuates conflict
and painful patterns.
“I will show you how,” I tell them when I notice their confusion. My promise is to
help them transcribe the language of blaming and defending into the language of sharing
and exploring. With the proper shift in attention, even their blaming can serve as a
starting point: Does this blaming start from a pain that needs attention, a longing to
understand, to connect, or to be understood? I invite them to talk about that pain or
longing, to describe it as their own experience, not in terms of someone else’s behavior or
failings.
What they most want to say might take the form of a question. Since questions
often imply a demand not just for an answer, but for the “right” answer, I invite the
questioner to give assurance that the other can take as much time to respond as he or she
needs and that there will be no “punishment” for an unwelcome answer. Non-demand
communication is assured if the questioner promises safety and acceptance for any answer
given, even if the answer is no answer at all.
No Blaming, No Demands is not a solution, it’s a pathway toward solutions. I never
know where this path may lead but I know wherever it leads, each moment of the process
will be more constructive, more respectful, and more loving than the blaming alternative.