Get a Grip on a Better Life
“I believe there is no sense in reinventing the wheel, so
when you read this book, take the time to review the
material presented, learn from other's experiences, but
grow from your own too, and have a great life.”
jim gordon, ph.d.
Introduction
No one can truly be truly free to life life to the fullest until we let go
of old, self limiting, self censoring, beliefs. Many of these were
created when we were very young and often served as ways to
protect us and cope with the world around us. Those things that
used to serve us no longer do and instead impede our lives now.
The good news is that RIGHT NOW you are taking control and
starting to review your life and look at the issues that are
impacting you. There will be some setbacks, road block and
detours but taking three steps forward and one step back beats
taking on step forward and three steps back but I am here to
coach and guide you through what I have found to be the NINE
Most Important Steps of taking control of your life and creating
your future. You have my support that you CAN and WILL make
it.
Step One: BECOME YOUR
OWN HEALTHY PARENT
“Listening to your parents’ advice is sort of like watching TV
commercials. You know what’s coming, you’ve heard it all
before, it’s a big bore, but you listen anyway…. Sorta.”
- Josiah Lipscomb
Becoming Your Own
HEALTHY Parent
When you were born, you had to rely on your parents for direction,
care, feeding, security, safety. As you got older other “parent
figures” came into your life. These were your teachers, Sunday
School teachers, grandparents, little league coaches, television
and movie characters, friends. They also parented you, as they
told you what you should do, how you should act, what is good
and what is bad for you, and even what you should buy.
 All of these “parents” learned from their own parents – the
good and bad
 We sometimes perpetuate errors our “parents” learned
 They become our “issues”
 We get stuck because we were told all those “parents” were
right and they were not to be challenged
Cont.
• Sometimes their information, guidance and moral pronouncements were
right and wonderful, other times they were not
• We still hear the “shudda’s” and “ought to’s” in our heads that our parents
told us are
• Those “shuddas” were based on your parents values and so were many of
the guilt based “shuddas” we got from those “other” parents
• Inside our head, we hear these many inner critical parents who often
disapprove of what we are doing. How we are acting. What we believe in.
• These critical parents may not be tuned into what is really right for us today
or in our present situation
• Those nagging, niggling, voices inside our heads bug us and can impede our
growth, success and progress.
• You may be enjoying something, it may seem right for you, you’re happy
-- but that critical inner parent voice says, “NO, you shouldn’t be enjoying
this”, or, “You shudda done this or that, instead.” So guilt hits you - you
start second guessing yourself.
•Emotional sabotage starts and your progress stops. Depressions sets in,
you sip a few extra drinks, and take a few extra hours or more of sleep.
Bad thoughts and feelings happen.
• Sometimes that inner critical parent can keep you from real success in
your career, relationships, and life.
• Inside your head, consciously or unconsciously, your critical parent is
telling you that you are not okay and to basically “get over it.”
• That inner critical parent keeps you from becoming the most capable,
successful, lovable, and productive, person you could be.
Recognize the garbage that is
holding you back
 Once you recognize the garbage that is holding you back
and tell those inner parents to shut up while you take hold
and work on the life you deserve, your life can change.
 your life can be very confusing and difficult until you can
make peace with yourself - with your inner self - and
become your own healthy, nurturing parent
 Become your own present-day, here and now, loving,
caring, nurturing parent who approves of you, what you
are, who you are, and what you do. Your new healthy inner
parent will believe in you, and base its decisions on what is
best for you, not what was right for someone else 10, 20,
30 years ago
Learn to SUCCEED against the
flow
 Take responsibility for your life, sort out your inner parent
messages, toss out what doesn’t work, keep what does, add
some new, and become your own healthy parent.
 Find some folks whom you see as successful, listen to what they
say, learn from them.
 Add them to your list of “healthy parents.” Get some validation
from them. Seek out folks who you and others respect. Listen.
Really Listen, gain from Wisdom from their Life Journey.
 Seek out your own truths and respect your own judgment. You
can become your own parent, and in turn learn to respect
yourself and your ideas.
Step Two: RESPECT YOURSELF
“There’s only one corner of the universe you can be certain of
improving and that’s your own self”
- Aldous Huxley
Ask yourself…
 What works for you?
 What is best for you? Get to know you, define you. What
are some words that would best describe you and your
personality? I call my self “Intensely Mellow”. Oxymoron
of words, BUT I work hard, like city life, stay busy BUT
when its time to CHILL, I need MY SPACE to Mellow.
 What do you deserve?
 Learn to answer your own questions and establish your
own standards and values, not Narcissistically without
regard to others, but Listen to Your OWN Inner Voice.
Respect and You
 One definition of the word Respect is “to honor.” Not
worship yourself as in self idolization, but honor the
person you are, as you make choices for yourself.
 Give yourself what you deserve, BE KIND to your inner kid.
 Know what is good for you, and what isn't.
 Know your boundaries, limits, and your right to have
them.
 It’s your responsibility to know YOU.
Self-Respect and Comfort
 In practice as a Life Coach and Therapist, I often have patients come in
and thank me for “words of wisdom” I gave them in earlier sessions.
Sometimes they are words I don’t recall ever saying, but wish I had.
Recently, for instance, a client came to me and said, "Dr. G., I
remember your words of wisdom about comfort. They have stuck with
me, and made a big change in my life and how I take care of and
respect myself." I was clueless but according to him, "my
proclamation” was simply that "comfort is not a luxury." He said that
statement gave him the power to take care of himself. After hearing
that, I now own the comment proudly, and both use and like it. Hey,
what ever works.
 If you respect yourself and your needs, then Comfort is not a luxury.
 Our needs must be met, and if you respect yourself, you realize you
have a right to that much at least. If you truly respect yourself then clean clothes, a warm house, a nice home, good food, caring friends, a
healthy relationship - are all basic rights for you.
An Example : Mark
A friend of mine, Mark has a great job, makes great money, yet in the middle of
the summer with the temperatures in the high 90's, he will call me from his hot San
Fernando Valley home complaining about being hot and miserable. He gripes about
how drained he is, how he can hardly get up for work, how damn HOT it is.
Yet, when I ask if there is a problem with his air conditioning, he always has the
same answer: "No, it just costs too much to put the air conditioning on." He will
drain himself, be too tired to work, interfere with his career, ruin his sleep... just to
save a few pennies a day.
His poor self esteem (that inner parent we talked about before) tells him that he
isn’t worthy enough to spend money on. He feels guilty if he does.
Score:
Critical inner parent – ONE
/
Mark - ZERO.
Where does his guilt come from?
 He makes three or four times more money than his father
makes, and, ironically, that fact actually embarrasses him
because he feels he is putting down his dad, he feels guilty
 He allows himself to feel guilty that he doesn't live near mom
and dad like the rest of his siblings do. He believes he isn’t being
a good son
 Guilt interferes with his self-esteem and self-respect, the
conflict of the inner-parental voices.
 Guilt can make anyone feel bad, to feel they are not okay, and
screw up and sabotage their self respect.
 Don’t let guilt screw up your future.
Self-Esteem, Self-Respect
and Boundaries
 Boundaries and limits are often those invisible lines you draw around
yourself.
 They are there to protect you and me, to tell others what is okay and what
is not okay for us.
 A boundary can be enhanced by the use of words, looks, and/or attitude.
 In other words, some of us can just say “No” or “Yes” and have those
around us respect and understand our boundary. Others, however, can
say “No” a dozen times, and still be asked over and over, "really?", "are
you sure?", “do you really mean that?” Or, our wishes can just be ignored,
and our boundary violated outright.
 To really get a life and build the Life that YOU deserve, you have to know
your boundaries, know that it is okay to have them, and to expect others
to respect them.
 Start looking around and defining your boundaries - NOW.
Abuse in Childhood and
Lack of Boundaries
 How the Study of Psychology has found that if someone was
molested or physically abused as a kid, later in their life, as an adult,
they often have major boundary problems in their lives and in their
relationships.
 When they were kids, their personal boundaries had been violated
when they were abused. Usually it was by someone they had reason
to trust and believe in. The person who violated them broke those
bonds of trust and stepped over major boundaries.
 As adults, these folks feel confused, and often feel that they can’t
trust their own choices of what is right and wrong.
 Their self-esteem is down. And sadly, they often blame themselves for
what happened when they were kids
Abuse in Childhood and
Lack of Boundaries, continued
 They blame themselves for having been bad kids, or with the sexual abuse,
they even share some blame when dad or Uncle John got caught. After all, “it
was a special relationship and special love just between the two of them” as
Uncle John said while he was fiddling with them. And, according to their
inner guilty parent, they - the kids - should have appreciated that
“specialness” and protected that relationship, all the while, feeling and
knowing inside themselves, that it was wrong and creepy. Confusion.
Trauma.
 These kids grow up emotionally burdened with confused and undefined
boundaries. They don't know when it’s okay to say “No” or when it’s okay to
feel they have the right to their own space, or even the privacy of their own
body. They have been violated.
 As adults if they end up having a partner or spouse who hits them or abuses
them, they don't know that any abuse isn't okay. That it is not normal and
something for them to expect in life. They don't realize what constitutes
abusive behavior or what is acceptable behavior. They often don’t respect
their own judgment. Or even trust their own judgment.
Pushers of Confusion and
Defeaters of Self-Respect
 Another example of a pusher of confusion and a defeater of self respect in a
different way, is the Little League Coach who yells at the kid who just got
beaned with a hardball, "You aren't hurt, you're fine, get out there and play.
Just shake it off!"
 The kid feels immense pain and a headache, but he trust's the coach. His
head seems to be hurting, yet the coach is saying, “No, there is no pain.” The
kid is confused. So the kid learns to start questioning his own thoughts, and
learns not to trust or respect his own mind, thoughts, feelings...
 Later in life as adults, these types of people are the folks who end up not
knowing when to say ‘NO’ or when to feel it is okay to express their thoughts
and feelings or even to express and fulfill their own needs.

They don't trust their own thoughts and decisions. They don't know who to
trust. When they get into abusive relationships, they stay on too long, not
trusting their own decision as to when to leave the relationship or respecting
themselves enough to realize they just don't deserve bad treatment.
Respect for Yourself and
Your Boundaries
 Having respect for yourself allows you to have limits or
boundaries and expect others to respect these limits
 It allows you to know it is okay to have what you need or
want. To be able to ask for it. To be able to say a firm ‘no’
to what you don't want. Or to be able to tell someone to
get out of your life if they are not providing what you want
or need or they are not having a positive impact on your
life.
 Having respect for yourself allows you to say a firm ‘NO’ as
well as a ‘qualified’ YES as to what is right and okay for
you.
YOURSELF AND BOUNDARIES, cont.
 Remember: self-esteem and self-respect are not arrogance
and cockiness where you demand things and then get bitter if
you don’t get them but rather, having self-respect and selfesteem lets you recognize and appreciate what you have done,
what you truly deserve, what you have worked for and what you
have the right to in your life.
 Without Apologies!
 Self respect is all about appreciating yourself and have a healthy
love yourself. Having an inner parent telling you, you are great.
It is honoring yourself. And believing in yourself.
Relationships and Boundaries
 In a relationship, if you have no self respect and feel
worthless and useless, you will have a hard time asking for
anything good for yourself from your partner or even
expecting or accepting anything good from your partner.
 You will allow negative things to happen because you
come from an, "I'm not OK, so I deserve to be abused,” or,
"This is the best I can expect" stance in your life.
 You do have the right to expect certain things, and to
be able to work toward them, just because you are an
alive, breathing human being.
Self-Esteem and
the Human Bill of Rights
 A few years ago, a psychologist came up with a Human Bill of Rights in a
book on Self Esteem. This list reminds us that all of us, all of us, have
certain rights that are given at birth to all human beings. And are
something that you, as a human being, should acknowledge that they
apply to you too.
 I include quotes that fit the topic we are discussing because I want to reenforce that many folks, living and dead, have dealt with self-esteem
issues, not just you or me!

A good one for introducing the Human Bill of Rights, is a quote from
Cesar Chavez, “The first principal of non-violent action is that of noncooperation with everything humiliating.” When you have pride, and
self-respect you will not allow humiliation, nor invite it into your life. And
remember, as I point out later, humbleness is good, humiliation is not.
They are different animals!
 You have the right to exist and not be humiliated for just being you!
The Human Bill of Rights
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO:
1.
Be responsible for my own life
2.
Accept and respect myself and others
3.
“Feel” and own my feelings
4.
Be imperfect
5.
Have dreams, goals, and ideal, and to make them happen
6.
Have and express my emotions
7.
Allow people to help me without my feeling guilty
8.
Have healthy, life-enhancing relationships
9.
Have my own beliefs, ideas and values without apology to anyone
Remember…
You have the right to many things. Respect that right, and
respect yourself. If you believe in yourself and follow your
own healthy parent and have self-respect and permission
from your own healthy parent to be free of the “shuddas”,
you can become the most creative, loving, caring, and
productive person YOU can be.
Respectfully, dr. g.
Step Three: FOLLOW
YOUR PASSIONS
“Be still when you have nothing to say;
BUT, when genuine passion moves you,
Say what you’ve got to say,
And say it hot.”
-D.H. Lawrence
Get Excited
 Follow your passions, not the “shuddas” in your life.
 Don’t do what your parents, or society says you should do,
but what turns you on, what works for you.
 Create your own definition of yourself.
 My friend Aaron, in spite of being deaf follows his passion
about acting. I have never heard him say a thing about the
money he could make in acting, or the fame, or the
adulation he might get for his performance. But what I’ve
heard from him is - Excitement!
Be Remembered for
Your Passion
 When someone dies, their obituary usually says something
like, “He worked for K-Mart, lived 30 years in Pismo Beach,
California, and was married 28 years, etc.”
 Instead the obituary could say something like, "He was
known to roar through the Malibu mountains in his sports
car, while listening to rock music loudly playing on his car
stereo. He lived at the beach, and surfed 'til he dropped.
He was a painter of colorful intense scenes, full of life and
expression."
 Now, you know a bit about this person, his passion, his
personality. You get a “feel” for the person.
Identify Your Passions

Identify your passions and let people know who you are.

Respect the passion in your life. You need to know your passions. The things that excite you,
turn you on, move you.

There is nothing worse than having a boring unexciting passionless life because you are so
dependent and insecure that you neglect your own needs, ignore your own passions and
feeling, and blunt your desires, while blandly doing what others say you should do.

Yes, in doing so, you might be politically correct and not offend anyone, but oh so boring.
You’d cheat yourself, and those around you who might gain from getting to know the real
you.

What if Elvis had ignored his passion for singing and been a competent banker instead? Or if
Grandma Moses had been content to bake pies for her grandkids and ignored her passion for
painting while she sat around waiting to die? What if Martin Luther King, Jr. had ignored his
passion for equality and accepted the racial standards of his day? If they had, and many
others like them, we all would have lost out.

Side Note: I recommend MLK’s “I have a Dream” speech as inspiration.
Find What Makes YOU Happy
 You have to have stuff in your life that makes you happy
too. Stuff that brings the best out of you and your
personality.
 Do the things that get you excited and thrilled. Share
them with others. Enjoy them yourself.
 Everyone should have passion about something, whether
it's flying, traveling, massage, sex, driving, dancing. Define
those passions, find your passions.... because YOUR
passions actually define YOU.
Step Four: KNOW
YOUR DREAMS
“Life is a cup to be FILLED... not… DRAINED”
-Cam Loichemol
Therefore - Know your dreams and aspirations,
identify them, let yourself have dreams.
-dr. g.
Aaron and Kathy

Aaron and Kathy are both deaf yet they followed their dreams to be actors

As a child Kathy dreamed of modeling and acting. She was in a bad accident and almost every bone in her body was
broken. The paramedics said she was a goner and the emergency room doctor said if she lived, she would never walk
again. Three years after, she not only walked but danced.

Kathy has a one person play that she has performed around the country. She is a motivational speaker, has her own TV
special and models and Aaron has been a real SAG working actor since he was 2 years old.

One night, I was having dinner with Aaron at a restaurant. A struggling actor friend of mine, Greg, stopped by our table.
I said, "Greg, you should congratulate Aaron, he just got a great running part on a TV series." Greg turned to Aaron in
disbelief and jealousy, looked at the hearing aids sticking out of his ears, and said, "You're deaf! How in the hell did you
get that part?"

The truth is Aaron had always dreamed about acting, and his future in acting. He's a great actor and no one ever told
him he couldn't get parts in movies and TV. And you know what? If they did tell him, he is so damn deaf he wouldn't
have heard them anyway! Aaron followed his dream.

He didn’t do what everyone expected of a deaf guy - he didn’t limit himself to play only deaf roles, but instead he often
played the ‘boy next door’ in a number of shows too, right next to ‘hearing’ actors. It was hard work for him, with extra
rehearsals and preparation but it paid off. Now, he works somewhat consistently in movies and on television, while
many of his hearing actor colleagues sit at home and sulk about their lives.

They followed their own dreams. Not what others told them they could or couldn't do. Listen to your own heart.
Listen closely. Listen quietly.
Brainstorming
 In the business field, there is a term called brainstorming
 It’s when people sit around, tossing out ideas and concepts-- no
thoughts or restrictions of whether the ideas fit, or are frivolous.
Just a free flow of ideas. Everyone just sits around and tosses
out ideas. The brains start to race. The creative juices get rolling.
 Sometimes great ideas come out of these sessions. Many things
and products including the infamous Post-it's, sun-roofs in cars,
Snapple drinks, bottled water, a series called ‘MADMEN’, all
came from these brainstorming sessions.
 These were people just sitting around, dreaming up things.
Letting their dreams and thoughts and ideas flow. No
apologies.
Get To Know Your Dreams

Don't you be stifled by conformity. Continue to let your dreams and thoughts run wild. You
may discover things you never thought you could or would do. Or would even want to do.
Some folks know what they want to do when they are twenty, but many only find out what
they do as they evolve in their lives. That’s okay. Crazy running from job to job, and city to
city is bad, but letting your life evolve and career flow is good.

Get to know your Dreams and follow them. Maybe today, even if you don't have the money
or training to do something take the time to stop and think, to Daydream a little.


If you had the time or money what would you like to be doing?
How would it feel?

Let your daydreams become a road map to the dream itself. If you know where you want to
go, and you know where you are today, you can plot out a route to get "there" from here.

Define what getting "there" is to you? Let your dreams fly, let them run free.

To me, Daydreams are a form of the philosophy of the power of positive thinking. Daydreams let you try on your future for size, see if it fits. Don't just stay within what you
"should" do, what you're told to do. Think about your future, dream about your future, feel
it, then you will get there. Daydreams are cool.
Step Five: DEFINE
YOUR OWN SUCCESS
“Success is not the key to happiness.
Happiness is the key to success.
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful”
-Albert Schweltzer
Success is Individual
 Define your own success, NOT what you heard from your
family success was supposed to be or what the guys on
your favorite TV series or Rap Song say is success.
 In America, we often define success by material things yet,
we all know people who have all the money in the world
but are still lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled
 There was an old singer, Peggy Lee who summed it up
with a song, “Is That All There Is?” This was a signature
song for her after she had achieved stardom, financial
success and been married a whole bunch of times.
What’s Really Important?
 Years ago, I had a patient who was big in car racing. He had money,
cars, planes, property, wives. Yet in his last few years, he often sighed
and complained about how willing he would be to give it all up - the
cars, the planes, the yachts - to see his only son who he had been
estranged from for many years. That was something all his money had
not been able to buy.
 Similarly, I have some East Coast friends who have more money than
anyone needs. By material success standards, they are “there” and
beyond. They have their own medical supply firm, a major foundation
in their name, a large training hospital named after them, a home in
the Hampton's, a small private island in the Pacific for vacations and
yet success, when re-defined as happiness rather than financial worth,
has eluded them. At 80 years plus each, there is an emptiness as they
look back at losing their only daughter to drugs, and having their son a
wacko walking psychological case study! Were they really successful?
By whose standards?
Defining What Success is to You
 What will make you feel you have achieved success?
 What will make you happy?
 Is it a realistic, healthy goal?
Spend some time defining your own success.
Reflect on your personal values, morals and ethics.
It’s time for introspection.
Step Six:
SET YOUR OWN GOALS
“First say to yourself–
What you would be;
and then–
Do what you have to do.”
-Epictetus
Defining Success vs.
YOUR Goals
Set your goals, define your goals, identify them, know them. After all, they are yours.

When I was a Boy Scout leader many years ago, I remember Doug, one of our Scouts. He
achieved Life Scout, which is one level below Eagle, the top Scouting honor. But he never
reached Eagle. Doug was in Scouting for many years. For him, his goal and the purpose for
being in Scouting was to have fun, learn new things, meet new people. Doug accomplished
that for sure. He was talented in electronics and working with sound equipment. He had done
some disc jockey work for school dances. So, he took his sound engineering talent to the
regional and national Scouting affairs where he set up and ran the awards shows and many
activities. His parents, and the Scout leaders, though were always down on him about not
achieving Scouting’s highest honor, the Eagle. They told him he'd be a failure if he didn't go
for that Eagle Badge.

Today, I know a lot of guys who made Eagle rank in Scouting, yet as adults, they have been
busted for drugs, committed crimes, and are general failures. However, Doug, who never
made Eagle Scout rank, became a lead sound engineer, and then a director for a major movie
studio. He makes great movies, great money, and flies around in the corporate jet. Was he a
really a failure like his family had said for not achieving Eagle? Or was he a success?

He defined and set his own goals and succeed in getting what he wanted out of Scouting.
Creating Goals
 Once you know your dreams and have created your own
definition of success, you can then create and set goals to
accomplish this.
 You need short term goals, and long term goals.
 They can be flexible, but they should be realistic, and
reachable.
 As with success, you won't know you have achieved your
goal if you don't know what the bench mark is. Know your
purpose too, as my friend Doug did, so you don’t get
sidetracked by other peoples pressure and ideas.
 Remember, your goal may not be the same as someone
else in the same situation, nor does it have to be.
SMART Goals
 SMART goal setting is a technique used to create
attainable, measurable goals
 S Specific
 M Measurable
 A Achievable
 R Relevant
 T Time-bound
Step Seven:
Manage Life Gracefully
“See everything;
Overlook a great deal;
Correct a little”
Pope John XXIII
Take Responsibility For Your Life
 Each of us has to take Responsibility in our lives, and Responsibility for our
lives. With that comes, the Responsibility of learning how to manage our
lives. Not just blame the world, our parents or the cops for everything.
 This means taking responsibility for the good, bad, unfortunate,
wonderful, unexpected things that happen The good parts, the bad parts,
the unfortunate, abrupt, and annoying things in our lives.
 We have to learn how to sort them out, prioritize, cope, resolve, manage
and deal with them.
 Some individuals manage life better than others, some more efficiently,
and some less so.
 Some folks manage life better than others, some more efficiently, some
less so. Some people have great talents and many great gifts to manage
in their lives, while others have great burdens and strife.

It is very important to learn to manage life with a dignity and grace, style
and class. People will respect you more; you will respect yourself more.
Be Humble

"Having class is not needing to tell people you have it." Having class is not having to go around
telling people how great you are, how powerful you are, how smart you are, how much you do for
everybody. People respect and appreciate that and if you do have all these things, people will know
anyway.

For example Princess Diana was well respected even though she had many trials, tribulations and
obstacles in her life. Her death reminded me of another classy lady - Jacqueline Kennedy. There is
an old adage, that says "if life throws lemons at you, make lemonade.“ Well, Jackie and Diana not
only made lemonade but ‘lemon champagne.’ They responded to life and its tribulations with class
and dignity. They had triumphs and struggles, successes and difficulties, blessings and tragedies,
but handled them all with grace. With dignity and class. They didn't throw their weight around and
toss out attitude.

I remember when Jackie Kennedy, as the First Lady, led a tour of the White House on TV many
years ago. Here was a person who had lots of money and status, yet she showed "her home" with
such humility and modesty, rather than the viewers being resentful, jealous, or bitter, even if many
of them didn't have a dime in their own pockets, they felt happy and glad for her that she had what
she had. They weren’t jealous, because she handled it not with arrogance but with a complete
grace and humbleness.

Princess Diana displayed the same grace, yet showed her vulnerability. People didn’t resent her, or
her status... Nor her having money. Her humanness came out; she was an equal - a role model. We
all wanted things to go well for her, and wished her the best.
Recognize Your Strengths
and Limitations
 You can acquire the ability to manage your life gracefully by knowing yourself, your
limits,
 Understanding what you are good at, what makes you -YOU.
 Recognize your limitations from your physical limitations to your intellectual
abilities to the geographic limitations in your life.
 Knowing your limitations and acknowledging your problems doesn't mean giving in
and giving up; recognize them and with that information, doing the best you can.
 For instance, if you are deaf, your ability to sing may be limited but in the
meantime, that doesn't stop you from taking singing lessons for your own
pleasure, and increasing the quality and tone of your speaking voice. Plus, nothing
says you can't have fun singing along loudly with the car stereo when you drive.

The inner critical parents be damned, who knows what you will accomplish. Have a
good time anyway. You need to manage what you have to the best level you can
in spite of limitations with confidence and a smile. And then you will be, and are managing life gracefully.
Step Eight:
HUMILITY CAN BE COOL
“It was pride that changed Angels into Devils;
It is humility that makes men as Angels”
-Saint Augustine
Humility is Cool
 Modesty, humbleness, vulnerability and humility allow individuals to make
friends and connect with others
 People often respect pushy, loud people whom they call assertive and
aggressive yet who are really just very arrogant insecure people. Their
aggressive behavior and attitude is a safe way for them to keep others at a
distance. Actually, with aggressive people, their friends stay at a distance
more out of fear, rather than out of respect and a liking for them.
 The words -Assertive and Aggressive- often get used interchangeably. In
reality, true assertiveness is cool and comes from inner security and
confidence while aggressiveness, is not cool nor does it truly reflect
confidence.
 Aggressiveness can act as a means for self-protection as a result of low-self
esteem. It provides a sense of security within the fear that “if you really get
to know me, you won’t like me”
Humility is Cool, cont…
 For example: My friend Mike was a very fat child. He’s 28 now. He is handsome, does
some modeling, is well built and works out. He is also blustery and arrogant. People
misread that arrogance as ‘inner strength’. It isn’t. It keeps them in awe of him, and at a
distance. In reality though, he uses his arrogance and aggressiveness to keep people
from getting too close to him.
 His biggest fear, irrational though it may be, is that he will start dating someone who will
fall in love with him fueled by his great body and good looks. Then, during the night
sometime, as they sleep together, he will bloat back up to the 350 lb. fat boy he used to
be. His date will run away in disgust! He is afraid to be and incapable of being humble,
vulnerable, mellow, for fear that he will get too close to someone, and allow them into
his life. And if they do, he feels, they will see or get to know that inside he still is that fat,
unattractive, ungainly, unhappy, unlovable little kid from the past.

That’s how he still sees himself inside when he looks into the mirror. His act of pulling
back becomes an intimacy issue, he blocks people out. When he pulls back, people get
mad at him, and attack him about his arrogance, which brings his self-esteem down even
lower. So he becomes more arrogant. It’s a vicious cycle. Inside is a scared little kid who
wants to be loved but is afraid to let love in because they will find the real him.
Assertiveness
vs. Aggression
 True Assertiveness is the attitude and ‘presence’, stated in a
mellow way, "I believe in myself and what I do, and if you get to
know me, I hope you will believe in me too."
 Aggressive people boast, "I am great, I am telling you I am
great, and you better believe it or else." They push buttons, and
push boundaries, they force those around them to react and
respond. Their blusteriness is actually an indication of their
insecurity, it’s a cover-up. They need that boundary and
distance they get through their attitude, or their loudness, and
aggressiveness, to feel safe. Afraid you might not really like
them if you got too close, or really got to know them inside.
Intimacy issues again, aggressiveness is not a healthy boundary
nor a healthy sign. It usually makes people not likable in the
long run.
Power and Control
 Aggressiveness, Assertiveness, Passiveness/Insecurity, are forms of Power and Control.
 Power and Control is always present in our lives yet it is possible to have healthy Power
and Control and not abuse it, it can be used with humility.

If you were flying in an airplane at 35,000 feet, and you look out your window and
notice an engine or two flaming out, my guess would be that you don't want the pilot
to come on the intercom with a gentle, "Hi folks, this is Johnny, your pilot. You may
have noticed our little problem. I want to come out and get your ideas and have a little
dialogue... ya know... face to face, and we'll chat about what to do next. I appreciate
your opinion and respect your ideas, and we’re all in this together equally.” This would
be a situation, where even if the pilot feels out of control and scared, you hope that the
pilot IS in control, feels in control, expresses he is in control, and you sure as hell, hope
he is.
Power and Control, cont…
 That pilot should be assertive and in control, just as a driver in a car
should be in control, a teacher should be in control of her classroom, and
I should be in control of my thoughts for you as I write them to you. My
words will mean more, if I show I believe in them and don’t just push
them at you, and don’t tell you that you that you are stupid if you don’t
do as I say.
 I believe you have the ability to sort out what works for you. What I have
to say could and should be helpful, but my ideas are not written in stone.
I assert my beliefs but without force and threat, and aggression.
 Another example of Power and Control is when I lead my Court Ordered
Domestic Violence Batterer's groups. As the leader, I have the Power and
Control to put them in jail any time. Here are men who are the
narcissistic poster children. They are Beverly Hills actors, singers, CEO's,
lawyers, and physicians. In their own jobs and in their homes, they feel
their power and they love it. It is hard for them to be in my group where
the court has taken away much of their power.
Power and Control, cont…
 I remind them, that although I do have power over them and with a flick
of the pen, my signature on a violation report will put them in jail, I still
respect that power and use it only humanely. I don't abuse it, I don't use it
out of vindictiveness or just to show it off. I respect the power and often
feel humbled in its presence. I don't get off on the feel of control.
 The only times I’ve ‘put’ the guys in jail is when they have not attended
class, done their assignments, and met the standards required by the
programs. I personally am not putting them in jail based on my own
power, but their behavior and actions, are responsible for them going to
jail! I will say to them assertively, "Bill, we have a problem here with your
attendance. How do you think we can get this resolved?" I show respect
for them and their ability to resolve the issue IF they want to. This is the
opposite of the aggressive Power and Control way of saying, "Yo, Bill, you
are a royal mess up and I am gonna show you just who is in charge here."
Sanctity of LIFE
 The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Academy Gun Range has
posted this quote by the gun racks:
 "In considering the use of deadly force, you SHALL be
guided by reverence for human life."
 I emphasize the point - ‘guided by the reverence for human life.’ This
shows a respect for the fragility and vulnerability of life. The
statement itself is humbling. Not a bad thought to apply to many
other situations.
humbleness

A last thought about humbleness. I make a Mecca to the Grand Canyon every few years
because I love it there. It is a great place to reflect and think. I’ve hiked across the canyon,
stayed in a wilderness area at the bottom for a week, roughed it by camping out on the rim, as
well as enjoyed the luxury of the El Tovar Hotel overlooking the canyon. Enjoyed it in every
way, yet it still teaches me something each and every time I go there.

When I look into the canyon, with awe at its size, and I realize how magnificent it is. Its size
and majesty humbles me to realize how insignificant I really am. However, I realize how
immense this place is, and, yet, how the power of the little water drops eroded and formed it
over millions of years. In perspective, it reminds me how our short life times are so
insignificant in the overall picture of time. How the canyon and its wildlife, from the little
chipmunks who come up to visit on the rim to the birds that fly overhead to the snakes that
crisscross the trails in the depths of the canyon, will all continue to go on long after I am dead,
just as the canyon was able to start and form with no connection or input from me. I realize my
insignificance and I get humbled.

It also gives me power, as I look at its beauty and realize it is there for me (and for you) to
enjoy and to see. As I look at it, I see how each of those little ‘parts’ of the canyon - from that
little chipmunk, to that snake and bird, to the drops of water in the river - ALL have a particular
purpose in the scheme and balance of things. And they are there for me to view and share. And
then I realize that I do count in the scheme of life. Then I recognize and get strength from the
awesomeness of the canyon, realizing I am significant and important. And YOU are too!
Step Nine: DON’T BE
PART OF THE PRE-DEAD
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the
‘mysterious’. It is the source of all true art and all science.
He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer
pause to wonder and stand rapt in are, is as good as dead:
his eyes are closed”
-Albert Einstein
The Pre-Dead or Living Dead
 In the Lion King song, “The Circle of Life”, the first stanza
says, “From the day we arrive on the planet, and blinking,
step into the sun. There’s more to be seen than can ever be
seen. More to do than can ever be done.”
 There are too many people who are stuck in the victim role
of their life circumstances - waiting and watching as their
lives pass by. They are the Living Dead.
 These people are just hanging out, "existing" in life
without any passion, excitement, goal, or dreams.
Life is NOT a Dress Rehearsal
 By following the 9-Steps we have discussed, YOU do NOT have
to be a member of the Living Dead. Enjoy your life. Live to the
fullest. Take advantage of the life you have been given because
this LIFE IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL!
 By following these steps YOU will own your OWN life. YOU will
be in the driver’s seat. YOU will become the best YOU, you can
be, and make the best out of what you have... Today. Right
now.
 Do the best with what you have been given: your talents; your
skills; your passions. NOW. Even if God has dealt you a difficult
hand to play, play it gracefully, play it with class, play it well, and
play it to the max. Take that control you really want and
deserve, don't waste it. This is YOUR LIFE.
 Run with it. Run hard.
Reviewing the 9- Steps
1. Become your own Parent.
2.
Respect Yourself.
3. Follow your Passions.
4. Know your Dreams.
5. Define your own Success.
6. Set your own Goals.
7. Manage Life Gracefully.
8. Humility can be Cool.
9. And, of course - Don't be part of the Pre-Dead!
Glossary of Terms
aggressive - unduly forceful, determined, often with belligerent
tone, ambitious; aggressive folks often force an emotional
reaction in others, I believe it, that settles it!
assertive - inclined to be bold and confident, assured; normally
does not require an emotional reaction from others, I believe it,
and I hope you do too.
clinical depression - a more severe, persistent form of depression.
Signs and symptoms may include: loss of interest in daily
activities; persistent sadness or feeling of emptiness; sleep
disturbances; significant weight loss or gain; loss of
concentration; fatigue; suicidal thoughts or behavior.
goal - the state of affairs that a plan is intended to achieve and that
(when achieved) terminates behavior intended to achieve it.
Continued…
gracefully - beauty of form, composition, movement, or expression;
elegant.
humbleness - not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although
successful. courteously respectful, In my humble opinion you are
wrong.
humiliation - A vengeful act with the goal of degradation. The state of
being disgraced or shame.
humility - the defining characteristic of an unpretentious and modest
person, someone who does not think that he or she is better or more
important than others; can be confident, but is not arrogant, Gandhi,
Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr., would be described as showing humility.
narcissism - wrapped up in self; superiority with haughty airs; wants
others to understand them but often not sympathetic or
understanding of others; demands special attention.
Continued…
passion - a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or
compelling emotion towards a subject, idea, person, or object.
passive - lacking in energy or will; open to outside influences;
unable to make decisions of own; often requires reaction from
others - “Come ON! Make up your mind. With or without
ONIONS? The rest of us want to eat today!”
power and control - the need to be in control to feel better about
one’s self, often seen in Domestic Violence relationships where
one partner needs to demean, ridicule and control the other
partner to stroke their own ego; folks who are power and
control junkies often have a big super ego, but the real ego is
usually weak and needs lots of strokes.
success - favorable or desired outcome ; often thought of as the
attainment of wealth, favor, or eminence.
Appendix
“It’s not the fast pace of life that bothers me,
It’s the abrupt stop at the End”
-Aunt Lil
Aunt Lil & I at ELLEN
Appendix I: How to Say NO

Learning how to say NO can be hard, but it's something that I feel can really help you be more
productive, reduce stress and do a better job with the things that you do say "yes" to in your life.
Saying NO at the right time can actually help everyone involved. Learning to say NO takes practice
but you must set boundaries for yourself and to have respect from others.

There are many times when you have to put your foot down and say NO to get other things done or
finished. Lose the guilt of saying NO. Often the reason why people get in a situation where they are
overburdened with work is that they feel guilty if they say NO to a request. But, you are not really
helping anyone, if you don't have the time to do something, but say yes, then either don’t get the
original thing done, or do a less-than stellar job on both.

Understand requests before you agree to anything. Get the facts before adding tasks and projects.
Over extending yourself adds to your stress, so keep your tasks and projects manageable. There is
nothing wrong with trying to keep your projects and tasks manageable. Let people know when they
are piling too much on you, and BEFORE you start to feel stressed.

Stick to your intentions, if saying ‘yes’ to something or someone, throws your plan to get something
important for you done, then its time to say NO. Make your NO mean NO! When you say no, mean
it. Stick to it, and don't feel bad about it. A task you agree to out of guilt, but never complete is
worse for everyone involved than a simple NO up front.

At times when you simply have too much doing in your life, and you need to know when to say NO.
It can be feel like you are letting folks down, but in the end you'll be happier, you'll get more done
and the people you live and work with will actually be better off for it as well.
Appendix II: So Your Passion is
Acting…
Here are some important points to check out and things you have to have:
1. Do you have IT?
2. Have you got a PASSION for your craft
3. Know yourself, your personality, your strengths, your weeknesses
4. Find your niche (type of acting-TV, Movies, Theatre, Comedy, etc.)
5. Be prepared for lots of rejection - your REAL job will be Auditioning, and occasionally, you will do something called an acting
job, but it will be limited in time - maybe one day, one TV season, one movie, but you will not spend 25 years and get a
gold watch!
6. Know your Reason for acting. Recognize your needs, acting is a catharsis, an emotional catharsis, and needs to be
recognized as one. Your reason for acting may be just this, a catharsis. Know it so it doesn't consume you. Motivation?
Understand and know why? Is it just for money, for applause, adrenalin, fun? Is it your catharsis, what do you want to get
from this. Why act?
7. Map out your strategy. Know the difference between New York where you study acting, then try to perform. Or California,
where you start acting, then take classes "for what you need to improve".
8. How are you gonna get "there" from here. Remember, a GPS won’t work here! YOU will have to think this through.
9. “Break a leg”
Appendix III: On death
(and thus, on life!)

For many, death and dying is a very difficult subject. When I talk about making your Life better, making it
count, it helps if you have thought a bit about that scary word - death. Life is hard if you are afraid of the
end.

Think about your feelings and about death. It is something to think about and sort out before you let it
slap you aside your head at some point.

Don’t dwell on death, Life is more important. However, when you are confronted with death for yourself,
or through close friends, you learn more about life, living, and what you want to do with your days on this
earth. It’s not a bad trade off.

Make your time count! Feel, enjoy, and explore life!

Remember, is it important to let your loved ones know how important they are to us. Even though we
often assume our friends and family know, tell them again. There are times we need to remind each other
how we care about each other.

Tell your friends and family what they have offered you and given to you. Take the time to write that
email or letter today.

Finally, reflect on yourself. Where do you stand? Make the best of the time we have. In Step 9, I remind
you this is not a dress rehearsal for your life. LIVE IT NOW.
Appendix III: On death
(and thus, on life!)
Please, realize Suicide is not meant to be selfish. The person is in
pain, they feel at the bottom of life, that the world (and their
family) will be better off without them. “how sweet is must be to
feel all the pain at once, then, never again…” Yes, the suicide
person dies once, but those left behind die a thousand times.
Special Thanks to:
Alexey, Aunt Lil, Camille, Carol,
Christy, Fred, Georgia, Harriet,
Janette, Josiah, Matt, Muff, Rod,
Shirley, Tom, and Valentin