Approaching Troubled
Students and Parents
Summer Institute 2017
Karlin-Rae Cummings, M.S., LPC, MAC, LPC/S Candidate
Child, Adolescent, and Family Services
Aiken-Barnwell Mental Health Center
About me…
• Licensed Professional
Counselor
• Masters Addiction
Counselor
• Licensed Professional
•
Counselor Supervisor
Candidate
Aiken-Barnwell Mental
Health (3 years)
What do you see
in the classroom?
 Bullying
 Disrespect (to be
defined…)
 Impulsivity
 Lack of remorse
 Lack of empathy
 Aggression
 Verbal, physical threats
 Oppositional, defiant
behavior
 What else?
What is the need?
• What is the function behind the
behavior?
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“Attention-seeking”
Power/control
Seeking status/worth in front of
friends
Distract attention away from
feelings of inadequacy (i.e.
learning disability, low IQ)
• What are they asking?
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•
•
•
•
•
•
Am I important?
Do I matter?
Am I capable?
Do you see me?
Can you hear me?
Will I be safe if you have control?
Please help me! I’m out of
control!
“Difficult” children often feel
that everyone is against them.
ACT Technique
 Acknowledge the Feeling,
Desire, Want, etc.
 Communicate the Limit
 Target Acceptable Alternatives
Acknowledge the Feeling
 Communicates “I see you,
I hear you, You matter, I
understand.”
 Does NOT communicate
“Your behavior is ok,”
“you’re right,” or “I’m
going to fix this for you.”
 OK to “miss”
Practice!
“You ______________.”
“You’re ______________.”
“That ______________ you.”
Keep it short and to the point!
Examples of Acknowledging
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Looks like you’d like to pour sand on the floor
Billy, I see that you like to color on the wall
Sally, I know you want to throw that
Billy, I know you want to keep playing with that toy
Communicating the Limit
 You can’t paint the wall.
 I know I can, let me show you!
 I can’t let you paint the wall.
 What you do is my responsibility, not yours.
 It’s probably not a good idea to paint the wall.
 I’m not sure if it’s ok. It might be and it might not be.
 The rule is you can’t paint the wall.
 How you feel about it doesn’t matter.
Critical for
children and
adolescents with
emotional
disorders and/or
trauma history
Practice!
Underlying Messages
 What were you thinking?!
 You better watch it!
 Not in MY classroom!
 What is WRONG with you?!
 There is something
defective about your brain.
You’re so stupid.
 A threat, a challenge
 Submit to me!
 Very shaming. You’re
messed up, you’re
despicable. You’re bad.
You are a mistake (vs. you
made a mistake).
Underlying Messages
 Why are you doing this
to me?
 You’re ruining this for
the rest of the class.
 You are giving me a
headache.
 I’m a victim and you are
responsible for ensuring I
have a good day.
 You’re a terrible,
thoughtless person. Your
needs don’t matter.
 You are responsible for
my physical health.
What have YOU said?
Share
Examples of Communicating the
Limit
 Looks like you’d like to
pour sand on the floor,
 Billy, I see that you like to
color on the wall,
 Sally, I know you want to
throw that,
 Billy, I know you want to
keep playing with that
toy,
 but the sand is not for
pouring on the floor.
 but walls are not for
coloring.
 but the shark is not for
throwing.
 but playtime is over.
Target the Alternative
 Requires quick thinking until you’ve had some practice
 Young children may be ok with 1 choice (redirection)
 Offer 2-3 that are equally acceptable to you (NOT the
time for an ultimatum like “do it or go to ISS”)
 Be creative and flexible
 What if they come up with their own solution, but stay
within the limit just set?
Putting it back together
Examples
 Teens (Can seem condescending)
A. You’re really pissed about this assignment.
C. But cursing in the classroom will get you a write-up
T. You can try again without those words or you can write
me a note with them in it to tell me what you think. Your
choice.
 Elementary
A. You want to stay under the desk
C. But the desk is not for hiding under
T. You can come sit near me or you can sit against the wall
to take your test
Examples of Target Alternatives
 Looks like you’d
like to pour sand
on the floor,
 Billy, I see that
you like to color
on the wall,
 Sally, I know you
want to throw
that,
 Billy, I know you
want to keep
playing with that
toy,
 but the sand is
not for pouring
on the floor.
 but walls are
not for
coloring.
 but the shark is
not for
throwing.
 but playtime is
over.
 The sand is for
pouring in the
sandbox or in the
pail or in the funnel.
 You can color on
the paper.
 The foam ball is for
throwing (point at
the ball).
 It will be here for
you next time.
Practice!
Make it yours…
 Elementary – hitting,
throwing objects,
refusing to participate
 Middle – farting in class,
arguing, not wearing
deodorant
 High School –
verbal/physical threats,
inappropriate touching,
sleeping
ACT Technique
 Acknowledge the Feeling,
Desire, Want, etc.
 Helps to de-escalate, lower
defenses
 Removes you from opponent
position and into coach position
 Communicate the Limit
 State it like you’re stating a fact
 Target Acceptable Alternatives
In what other situations might you use this skill?
Difficult Parents
 Go with the resistance
 Validate, reflect
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You’re upset with me
You’re disappointed in your child
You have no idea what to do about this
You’re afraid he’s going to fail
You want me to know you’re doing the best you can
Identify common goals
Be curious, play “Columbo,” don’t rush to “fix” it
Avoid defensiveness and taking it personally
Own your “stuff”
Practice!
Practice
Share some examples
1. Share a situation in which you were
confronted with a difficult parent.
2. Have a colleague share a potential
response.
3. Challenge each other in your discussion.
a) Was it an accurate/appropriate
acknowledgement?
b) Was there an underlying message?
c) Did the choices seem realistic?
4. Now have the teacher to whom this
happened share their ACTUAL response.
How did it differ? How do you think the
parent’s response would have differed?
Aiken-Barnwell Mental Health
Karlin-Rae Cummings, M.S., LPC, MAC,
LPC-S Candidate
Child, Adolescent, and Family Services
1135 Gregg Highway, Aiken, SC 29801
(803) 641-7700