Seven Keys
to
Maximizing Your
Relationship
Master Strategies of Super
Marriages
Learning Objectives
This seminar will teach you:
• How to transform your relationship
• Simple, effective techniques anyone
can use to boost connectivity in your
relationship
• How to turn criticism into your most
valuable resource
• Rules for constructive conflict
Warning
Research shows that these highly
effective strategies work best
when put into practice, practice,
practice.
It is also believed that 30 days of
practice increases the possibility
of this new behavior becoming a
habit. Then your ability to make
the habits permanent is vastly
increased.
A Thought to Remember
"To know and not to do, is really not to
know.
To learn and not to do is not to learn.
In other words, to understand
something but not apply it is really
not to understand it. It is only by the
doing, the applying, that knowledge
and understanding are internalized.
Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness
A Thought to Remember
For instance, you could study
tennis as a sport by reading books,
and hearing lectures,
but until you've actually
played it, you wouldn't
know the sport.
To know and not to do is not to know.“
Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness
Introduction
A quality relationship requires frequent
and consistent effort at doing the
positive things that sustain your
commitment. This involves making
choices and taking responsibility.
This seminar will identify some of
the key ingredients to valuing your
relationship and how to put them into
practice.
Stop …… Signs of
Readiness
Prepare for uninterrupted time slot
• Get pencil and paper
• Telephone & cellular phone off
• TV off
• Music off
Key 1- Honor
• Honor is the foundation on which any fulfilling
relationship must be built.
• Honor is something we can choose to give
whether we feel like it or not.
• Honoring or valuing someone is not dependent on
them but on you.
Key 1- Honor
• We choose to bring honor
into any relationship not
because someone
deserves it, but because
that is the right thing to
do in any relationship.
How Do You Honor
Others?
• You honor them with words of
encouragement and by listening to them.
• You honor people by looking into their
eyes when they’re speaking
or by giving them a smile
or a pat on the back.
As you begin to honor them, you’ll not
only see a change in them, you’ll see a
change in yourself.
How Do You Honor
Others?
• We honor with our expressions,
our words, and our tone of
voice.
• We also can dishonor someone
with a look, harsh words, or a
condescending tone of voice.
Key 2 - Encouragement
• We encourage people with our spirit
and our attitude as well as with our
words and tone of voice.
• We can encourage people just by
responding to them (“You would like it if I would
pick up behind myself. Yes, I will pick up behind myself.”)
instead of reacting to them.
voice tone – “You don’t cook!”)
(In an angry
Key 2 - Encouragement
• Words of encouragement or a
willingness to just listen can
make all the difference in the
world in how people will face
the rest of their day.
• Other forms of encouragement
include nonsexual touch, a hug,
even a pat on the back.
Key 2 - Encouragement
When you are listening to
someone as a means of
encouraging him or her, don’t
try to solve any problems he or
she voices.
Key 3 - Security
One of the greatest needs of a woman is
security.
• She wants to feel safe in a relationship.
(No physical violence, no threat of violence, no verbal abuse, show of
protection when others appear threatening, etc.)
• She wants to know that her mate is
100% committed to her for the long term.
• She wants to feel secure enough that she
can express whatever she thinks or feels
and not be judged or criticized for her
thoughts or feelings.
Key 3 - Security
But women aren’t the only ones
who want security in a
relationship. Men need it as
well. (Being called negative, derogatory, or belittling
names, etc)
We also infuse security into the
relationship by showing
appreciation.
Key 4 – Respect and
Admiration
The single greatest need of a man is
to feel respected and admired.
How do you communicate respect
and admiration?
• It is his masculinity he wants
noticed and appreciated, his
masculine body, skills, abilities,
achievements and dreams.
Key 4 – Respect and
Admiration
• Give genuine praise, not just
flattery.
(Flattery is when you comment on
something someone has rather than on
what he or she has done.)
• Praise and respect are
communicated by focusing
attention on something he or
Key 5 – Effective
Communication
• The only way you will ever get a man
to understand what you’re feeling is
by using an effective emotional word
picture. (Using emotional word
pictures to implant understanding in
the listener’s mind and feeling in the
listener’s emotions) It’s the only
communication technique that
stimulates the right side of a man’s
brain.
Key 6 – Fighting by the Rules
When two are more people come
together to form a relationship in
order for harmony and respect
everyone's needs to get met there
must be an acknowledged and
agreed upon structure or guidelines
for handling conflict.
Dr. Gary Smalley an expert in connecting
people, shows us the do’s and don’ts of
conflicts.
Rules for Constructive
Conflict
Conflict Do’s
1. Take a timeout to gain control,
become calmer, and reduce
your anger before you engage
in the confrontation.
2. Prepare for the confrontation
before you engage in it.
Rules for Constructive
Conflict
Determine your specific goal
for the confrontation.
 Do you simply want to resolve a
current problem?
 Do you want to stop a behavior
pattern?
 Do you want to replace a
destructive behavior pattern with a
constructive one?
Rules for Constructive
Conflict
• Determine what specifically you
want to say and how you want
to say it. Write it down if time
permits so you can make sure
you avoid all of the don’ts in
your message.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
• Determine how to begin the
confrontation in the least
inflammatory way. Include your
positive goal for the confrontation.
(For example, “I really want to be
the best friend I can be to you” or
“Because our relationship is so
important to me, I wanted to share
something that could make it better
for both of us).
Rules for Constructive Conflict
3. Approach the confrontation in the spirit
of a learner who also makes mistake
and
has weaknesses.
4. If criticism is to be given, use the
sandwich method
(To be discussed later in full detail)
5. Use as many encouraging and positive
statements as you can in the context
surrounding the central issue you are
trying to address or resolve.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
6. Be willing to offer and accept a
progressive resolution of the problem or
issue.
7. Ask for advice on what you can do to help
resolve the problem on your end, or to
reduce your contribution to the problem.
8. If the person attacks you, don’t defend
yourself or retaliate. Assure him or her
that you too have weaknesses that you
need to work on.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
9. Keep the confrontation on track.
Don’t be diverted to side issues or
opportunities to deal with problems
other than those you have planned to
address. If the other person won’t
proceed unless you do address side
issues, you can always agree that he
or she has a legitimate concern and
ask if you can set aside time to deal
with that issue.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
10. Control your words, tone of voice, and
nonverbal communication. Respect and
honor the person, even in the midst of
conflict. Remember the wisdom of the
proverb of Solomon, “A soft answer turns
away wrath, but grievous words stir up
anger.
11. Reassure the person of your ongoing
care and commitment to him or her and
to your relationship.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
Conflict Don’ts
1.
Don’t bury the problem or the hurt it’s
causing you.
2.
Don’t deny or run away from the problem
or the confrontation required to address
it.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
3. Don’t let your addressing the
problem degenerate into an attack
on the person or his or her
character. (If character is the
issue, address it, don’t attack the
specific character failing, not the
character in general.)
Rules for Constructive Conflict
4. Don’t use inflammatory remarks,
sarcasm, or name calling.
5. Don’t enter a conflict in the spirit of
a self-righteous know-it-all.
6. Don’t let the conflict broaden to
issues other than the one's you are
trying to address.
Rules for Constructive Conflict
7. Don’t use generalizations, exaggerations,
or blanket statements such as “you
always” or “you never.”
8. Don’t use ultimatums or threats.
9. Don’t use body language or nonverbal
communication that shows disbelief or
lack of respect (such as rolling your eyes
or shaking your head).
Rules for Constructive Conflict
10. Don’t interrupt.
11. Don’t raise your voice.
12. Don’t withdraw or walk away or
hang up the telephone in the middle
of a confrontation.
Key 7 - Correct
Criticism
The Sandwich Method of Criticism: The
Only Wise Way to Criticize
Step 1.
Pointing out a positive quality about the
individual or his or her performance and
offering specific (not general) praise for
that quality or performance. “Hallie,
that was nice of you to get a bottle of
chocolate milk for Daddy. You are so
thoughtful.”
Key 7 - Correct
Criticism
Step 2.
Next comes the slice of specific
criticism, addressing a wrong activity
or choice, but not attacking the person’
character: “Hallie, even though I love
chocolate milk, the bottles are too
heavy for you to carry. Because you
dropped it on the carpet, we’re going to
have to take a lot of time to clean it up.
So next time asks one of your big
brothers to carry the bottle of milk for
you, Okay?” Do you understand?”
Key 7 - Correct
Criticism
Step 3.
After the criticism has been
delivered and has been
acknowledged and understood, it’s
time to put the last slice of bread
on the sandwich. “Hallie, you are
the sweetest little girl. Thank you
for trying to be so nice to me.”