STROKE RECOVERY
How to Communicate When Your Elderly
Parent Can No Longer Speak
A video I recently stumbled upon
remains vivid in my mind. An elderly
couple who had spent a lifetime devoted
to one another was coping with the
wife's Alzheimer's disease. At this point,
the wife was in a nursing home. She was
unhappy, aggressive and even combative
with the staff. No one knew what to do
with her.
On instinct, the husband decided he would do what
he'd always done. He climbed into her bed with her
and held her. He cuddled with her. He stroked her
face and told her he loved her. He spent hours just
snuggling and holding her.
Slowly, the wife responded. This once angry,
difficult woman became easy for the staff to handle.
She was, once again, friendly, cooperative and
generally happy.
This particular story was recent, riveting and
poignant. However, human touch has long been
known to soothe a being who cannot communicate.
Babies who live in orphanages where they are not
held and cuddled often die. That need for human
touch never goes away.
Many of us are coping with elders who can no
longer communicate. Whether from a stroke,
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's or for some other reason,
they have lost their ability to talk or seemingly
respond in any manner to their loved one's efforts
to communicate.
Caregivers want to communicate with them, but
when they visit their elder and see them in this nonresponsive mode, they tend to sit there
uncomfortably watching the clock – putting in time,
so to speak. There's a feeling, for many of, "what's
the use?"
It's said that hearing is the last sense to go. I feel,
just from what I've seen and read, that the sense of
touch is right up there with hearing. Between the
two, it's amazing what a caring person can do to
help someone who seems lost to them.
We need to remember that someone who cannot
talk is very vulnerable. She can't say what feels
good or what she doesn't like. So, if you are using
touch as a means to communicate, you need to be
very tuned in to body language. The same goes for
providing communication through hearing. Many
times the two are connected. Watch the person's
body language carefully to see what you should
continue, or what you should change.
If you are providing any type of hands-on care for a
person in this condition, speak soothingly and
continuously, about what you are doing. Say things
like, "I'm going to rub lotion on your arm now. Does
that feel good?" or "I'm going to brush your hair
now. It will really look nice."
If you are not providing necessary physical care, you
can still do pleasant touch therapy, such as lotion or
massage oil on the arms and legs, saying, "I'm
putting some nice warm oil on your arm now. Does
. . . continued
that feel good?" Just keep the talk soothing and the
touch light. Make sure any ointment you use is
warm, but not hot. Think of what you would like if
the situation were reversed.
If you are mainly there to converse, or if your elder
doesn't seem to like too much touching, honor that.
Perhaps you could hold his hand while you talk
about familiar things such as family or events he
would remember with pleasure. Gently hold his
hand and perhaps lightly place your other hand on
top. The idea is to connect in a pleasurable way.
Music and Reading Help Caregivers
Communicate With Mute Seniors
Listening to music, if it's the kind your elder likes,
can be healing and powerful. I kept a CD player in
my dad's room. He loved big band music. I kept him
supplied with new CDs that were easy to find
online. He loved the music on his better days. He
even would "direct" the orchestra, much to the
puzzlement of strangers walking by his room and
loving amusement of the nursing home staff. On
days when he couldn't respond, music would still
play as he lay there. It seemed to help him relax.
Some people enjoy being read to. You could find
your dad's favorite books and read chapter by
chapter, depending on his level of enjoyment. If he
loves the Bible, you could read his favorite verses.
Whether or not he comprehends isn't all that
important. Does he seem content? Maybe the
sound of your voice is all that matters.
Contentment is what we are looking for here. Never
forget how vulnerable this person is and that it is
your responsibility to monitor the person's body
language. Chances are you'll find that you have
some memorable moments with your elder if you
put your mind to it. Careful, light massage with a
pleasing lotion or oil, holding a hand, reading,
singing, playing music, praying aloud – all of these
things will add quality to your visit. It definitely
beats sitting there watching the clock and
wondering if you are just wasting your time with
the visit.
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Home Health Companions is a Licensed Home
Health Provider Offering: Companions & Caregivers,
Private Duty Nursing, and Aging Life Care Services