ALogforUnderstandingYourPartner’s
HurtfulandAbusiveActions
ACTIONS:BrieflydescribeasituationandtheabusiveandhurtfulACTIONSheused
againstyou(Examples:statements,gestures,toneofvoice,physicalviolence,sexual
violence,facialexpressions,emotionalabuse).
INTENTS:Whatdidyourpartnerwantyoutodoornotdointhissituation?
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
BELIEFS:Howwould_______(partner)justifyhisabusiveactions?Ifyoueverasked
him,“Whydidyoudothattome?”Howwouldheanswerthat?Howdoyouthink
hejustifieshishurtfulactionsandabusetowardsyou?Whatishisthinkingaboutthe
roleofawomaninarelationshipwithaman?
FEELINGS:WhatFEELINGSoremotionsdidhehaveduringthissituation?
MINIMIZATION,DENIALANDBLAME:InwhatwaysdidyourpartnerMINIMIZEor
DENYhishurtfulandabusiveactionstowardsyou.Howdidhetrytomakethisyour
faultanddiditwork?
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
EFFECTS/IMPACT:WhatwastheIMPACTofhisactionsfromthissituation?Over
thelongterm?
Onyou:Situation:
Long-termimpact:
_____________________________________________________________________
Physically:____________________________________________________________
Emotionallyorpsychologically:___________________________________________
Spiritually:____________________________________________________________
Cognitively:___________________________________________________________
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
Oneachofyourchildren(separately)
_____________________________________________________________________
NON-CONTROLLINGBEHAVIORS:Howwouldyouhavewantedhimtoactdifferently
inthissituation?
_____________________________________________________________________
Howwouldhisthinking(BELIEFS)havetochangeinorderforhimtobenon-abusive?
Whatbeliefswouldhehavetochangeaboutwomenandrelationships?
_____________________________________________________________________
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
“Whyisheabusive,mean,andhurtfultome?”
A“PowerandControl”LogforVictimsofBatteringtoBetterUnderstand
WhyMenareAbusivetoWomenVideoconference
GuideforAdvocatestousewith
ALogforUnderstandingYourPartner’s
HurtfulandAbusiveActions
ACTIONS:BrieflydescribeasituationandtheabusiveandhurtfulACTIONSheused
againstyou(Examples:statements,gestures,toneofvoice,physicalviolence,
sexualviolence,facialexpressions,emotionalabuse).
Exampleresponses:
Grabbedmebythehair.
Calledmenames.
Slammedthedoor.
Namingabusiveandhurtfulactionshelpsbatteredwomenexaminethepatterns
menwhobatterusedintryingtocontrolthem.Itchallengeswhenmentellsay
thingslike“Ijustblew”.
Advocatesshouldguidebatteredwomentoincludesomedetailsaboutthesituation
butalsowritedownthecontrolling,abusiveandviolentbehaviorsasshedescribes
them.“Himgettingangry”isnotnecessarilyanactionusedtogaincontrol.
Throwingsomething,punchingawall,swearingather,andcallinghernamesarethe
controllingactions.
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
INTENTS:Whatdidyourpartnerwantyoutodoornotdointhissituation?
Exampleresponses:
Formetostoptalkingtohimthatway.
Tostopmefromleavingandgoingoutwithmyfriends.
Toletmeknowandremindmehow“stupid”Iamwithmoney.
Exploringintentsexposesthefunctionofbattering.Itacknowledgesthathisabusive
andhurtfulactionsarenot“outofcontrol”orthat“hejustblowsup”butare
intentionalactstoaccomplishsomething.
Youcanaskotherquestionslike:
• Whatdidhewant?
• Whatdidhewanthertodo?
• Whydidhedowhathedid?
BELIEFS:Howwould_______(partner)justifyhisabusiveactions?Ifyoueverasked
him,“Whydidyoudothattome?”Howwouldheanswerthat?Howdoyouthink
hejustifieshishurtfulactionsandabusetowardsyou?Whatishisthinkingabout
theroleofawomaninarelationshipwithaman?
Commonbeliefsofmenwhobatter:
• Womenaremanipulativeandplaygamestogetwhattheywant.
• Womenthinkofmenaspaychecks.
• Whenawomanpushesyourbuttons,youhavetofightback.
• Afterwhatshedid,whatelsewasIsupposetodo?
• Womendon’tknowhowtomanagemoney.
• Togetyourchildtorespectyoutheyneedtohavesomeamountoffearin
you.
Discussingbeliefsexaminesthemanysocietalandpersonalexperiencesthathave
shapedmen’svaluesandbeliefsaboutmenandwomenandintimatepartner
relationships.Ithelpsbatteredwomenseeandnamethesourceofwhyheisviolent
andde-personalizeittoher.Hisbeliefsjustifyhisabusivebehavior,includinghis
corebeliefsaboutentitlementtheabusivemanhas.Itwillhelpherseethatthis
thinkingiswhathewouldhaveasajustificationtobeingabusiveinarelationship
withanywomanheiswith.
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
Thediscussionofbeliefsisattheheartofhelpingbatteredwomenbecomeliberated
byseeingthathisviolenceisattachedtohisthinkingabouttherolesofmenand
womeninarelationshipandwhathegetstodotogethisway.
Beliefsareexploredfortwopurposes:
1) Togivebatteredwomeninsightabouthowhisthinkingandbeliefssupporthis
useofviolenceandabusivebehaviors.
2) Toshowbatteredwomenthatifthethinkingandbeliefsthatmenwhobatter
don’tchangetheywon’tbeabletochangetheirabusivepatterns.
Formanymenwhobatter,beliefsaremorethanacollectionofideasoropinions.
Theyaretruisms.Challengingalong-heldbeliefasbeingneitherthetruthorright
butaculturallyconstructedjustificationtoexploitotherscausesvaryingdegreesof
defensivenessinmanymenwhobatter.
FEELINGS:WhatFEELINGSoremotionsdidhehaveduringthissituation?
Exampleresponses:
Mad
Angry
Frustrated
Thissectionoftheloghelpsbatteredwomenseetheconnectionbetweenhisbeliefs
andthefeelingsthatcomefromthem.
MINIMIZATION,DENIALANDBLAME:InwhatwaysdidyourpartnerMINIMIZEor
DENYhishurtfulandabusiveactionstowardsyou.Howdidhetrytomakethis
yourfaultanddiditwork?
Exampleresponses:
HetoldmethatwhenIspitathimIdeservedit.
Shemesseseverythingup.
Shedoesn’tknowwhatsheistalkingabout.
Itdidn’thappenthatway.
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
Thisdiscussionreinforcestheimportanceofaccountabilityandhonestytomaking
positivechange.Manybatteredwomenask,“HowwillIknowifheischanging?”
Oneimportantaspectofchangeistakenresponsibilityforabusiveactions.
EFFECTS/IMPACT:WhatwastheIMPACTofhisactionsfromthissituation?Over
thelongterm?
Thisconversationisawayforbatteredwomentolookathowthebatteringhas
impactingthem.Weoftenaskbatteredwomentolookatfourdifferenttypesof
effectsorimpactsonthemselves:
1) Physical
2) Emotionalorpsychological
3) Spiritual
4) Cognitive
Wealsoencouragebatteredwomentolookattheeffectorimpactoneach
individualchild.Itisimportantforadvocatestoknowthatbatteredwomenoften
toldusthattheeffectsontheirchildrenwerethemostdifficulttothinkabout,look
atandoftentheyfeltashamedwhenaskedaboutit.
NON-CONTROLLINGBEHAVIORS:Howwouldyouhavewantedhimtoact
differentlyinthissituation?
Exampleresponse:
HewouldhavecometomeandaskmewhatIneededandwantedfromthesituation
insteadofitbeingallabouthim.
Howwouldhisthinking(BELIEFS)havetochangeinorderforhimtobenonabusive?Whatbeliefswouldhehavetochangeaboutwomenandrelationships?
Itisimportantthatbatteredwomenspendsometimethinkingaboutalternativesto
beingviolent,abusiveandcontrollingandwhatitwouldtakefortheirpartnerstobe
thatwayinarelationshipwiththem.
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org
Inthissectionwelookatactions.“Whatwouldyouhavewantedhimtodo
differently?”isaquestiontoaskofbatteredwomen.However,wemustmakethe
linktohisbeliefs.Forexample,inorderforhimtobenon-abusiveinthatway,how
wouldhisthinkinghavetobedifferent?
Copyright: Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 202 East Superior Street Duluth, MN 55802 – www.theduluthmodel.org