Differentiating Feelings from Thoughts - Non Violent Communication (NVC)
It is very common to use the word ‘feeling’ when it actually describes a thought,
judgement, interpretation or analysis.
Interpretations – of what others are doing to us . i.e. When we say “I feel . . . .
Abandoned
abused
attacked
cheated
coerced
co-opted
interrupted
intimidated
let down
overworked patronised
pressured
taken for granted threatened trapped
betrayed
boxed-in
cornered
diminished
manipulated misunderstood
provoked
put down
unsupported unwanted
bullied
distrusted
neglected
rejected
used
These are not what NVC calls feelings. They can be seen as interpretations about
what we think the other person is doing. Therefore, we often call them ‘Victim verbs’ or
‘faux / foe feelings’ (because they create an “enemy” image of the other).
Translating interpretations into feelings and needs
These foe feelings can give us clues about what needs are not being met. Examples:
When I say“I feel:
abandoned”
abused"
attacked”
let down"
manipulated”
rejected"
unappreciated”
unheard"
unsupported"
I might be feeling
lonely / despair
disgust / outrage
scared / vulnerable
disappointed / sad
upset / frustrated
hurt / sad / angry
mournful / sad
upset / miserable
overwhelmed
I might be needing
nurture / connection
care / support / nurture
safety / trust
trust / dependability
autonomy / empowerment
belonging / inclusion / trust
appreciation / respect
understanding /
empathy support / cooperation
Thoughts:
When we say "I feel... ..” followed by the words ‘that’, ‘like’, ‘as if’, a pronoun, or a
name , what follows is actually a thought. We could say we are analysing, diagnosing or
judging. Certainly people are feeling some emotion when they say these words – often
several strong emotions! However, these words do not communicate this.
Examples:
When I say “I feel
I might be feeling
that you shouldn't do it"
like an idiot”
as if I never get a rest”
it’s no good trying anymore”
Maria is not trying”
you are irresponsible”
concerned
uncomfortable
exhausted
despairing
worried
annoyed
Needs
All human beings share key needs for survival: hydration, nourishment, rest, shelter,
and connection to name a few. We also share many others, which we need in order to
thrive, to sustain and enrich our lives, though we experience them to varying degrees.
In the context of NVC, needs refer to what is most alive in us: our core values, basic
human desires, deepest shared humanity, longings and universal life serving
motivations that we all share.
In our culture most of us have been trained to ignore our wants and discount our needs.
Understanding, naming, and connecting with our needs helps us improve our
relationship with ourselves and foster understanding, empathy and connection with
others, so we are all more likely to take actions that meet everyone’s needs.
Identifying needs as the cause of feelings
"What others say or do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but never the cause”
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D
When speaking jackal, instead of connecting our feelings to our needs, we often blame
the other person as the cause of our feelings and thus avoid self-responsibility.
When we do this we make ourselves into the victim and the other into the offender. We
deny ourselves the option of choice and disempower ourselves.
Using NVC we relate our feelings to our needs by saying, for example:
"I feel
frustrated because I need harmony” (classical) or
"I’m frustrated because I want us to
talk to each other in ways we can hear each other" (colloquial)
Owning that our feelings stem from our needs is self-empowering as we model selfresponsibility to others and establish clear boundaries.
Distinguishing needs from strategies
The key to identifying, expressing, and connecting with needs is to focus on words that
describe shared human experience rather than words that describe the particular
strategies to meet those needs.
Whenever we include a Person, a Location, an Action, a Time, or an Object
(P.L.A.T.O.) in our expression of what we want, we are describing a strategy rather than
a need.
For example: “I want you to come to my birthday party” may be a particular strategy to
meet a need for love and connection. In this case, we have a person, an action, and an
implied time and location in the original statement.
The internal shift from focusing on a specific strategy to connecting with needs often
results in a sense of power and liberation, as we can free ourselves from being
attached to one particular strategy by identifying the underlying needs and exploring
alternative strategies.
© April 2016 Donal Gannon - www.donalgannon.com
Developed by D. Gannon, D. Campbell-Ross, C. Crombie, S. Elle, L. Lowe-Charde, G. Lawrie,
B. Belgrave, I. & M