All Rights Reserved © 2016
WHY I DON’T PLAY GOLF
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Mike’s, a bar where the waitresses were
sexy, attractive and wore short-shorts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing
buddies once again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that
they would meet at Mike’s, because the food
and service was good, they had many televisions with which to watch sports, and the beer selection was
excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that
they would meet at Mike’s because there was
plenty of parking, and it was good value for
the money.
Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would
meet at Mike’s because the restaurant was
wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for
the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Mike’s because they had never been there before.
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WHICH DEATH IS PREFERABLE TO EVERY OTHER? 'THE UNEXPECTED ONE' - JULIUS CAESAR
IF YOU MUST BREAK THE LAW, DO IT TO SEIZE POWER: IN ALL OTHER CASES OBSERVE IT - JULIUS CAESAR
DREAM LOFTY DREAMS, AND AS YOU DREAM, SO YOU SHALL BECOME
GRANDCHILDREN ARE THE REWARD YOU GET FOR NOT STRANGLING YOUR CHILDREN WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS
THEY SAID...
 If you could kick the person in the pants
responsible for most of your trouble,
you wouldn't sit for a month. Theodore
Roosevelt
 I believe that if life gives you lemons,
you should make lemonade... And try to find
somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a
party. Ron White
 I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as
they fly by. Douglas Adams
 I knew my parents didn’t want a child when
I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a
radio. Joan Rivers
 If at first you don't succeed, find out if
the loser gets anything. William Lyon
Phelps
 It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has
descended from man. H. L. Mencken
 The reason there are two senators for
each state is so that one can be the designated driver. Jay Leno
 Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a
fence post, you know he had some help.
Alex Haley
GIVE SATAN AN INCH & HE'LL BECOME A RULER
WORTHLESS PEOPLE LIVE ONLY TO EAT AND DRINK; PEOPLE OF WORTH EAT AND DRINK ONLY TO LIVE - SOCRATES
PARANOIA IS JUST ANOTHER WORD FOR IGNORANCE
* On Feb. 20, 1792, President George
Washington signs legislation renewing the
United States Post Office as a cabinet department led by the postmaster general.
While postmaster, Benjamin Franklin had
streamlined postal delivery with surveyed
and marked routes from Maine to Florida
(the origins of Route 1).
* On Feb. 17, 1865, soldiers from Union
Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman's army ransack Columbia,
South Carolina, and leave a charred city in their wake. Sherman is most famous for his March to the
Sea through Georgia in the closing
months of 1864.
* On Feb. 19, 1878, the technology
that made the modern music business
possible was born in the New Jersey laboratory where Thomas Alva Edison created the
first device to both record sound and play it
back -- the phonograph.
I'VE READ THE LAST PAGE OF THE BIBLE. IT'S ALL GOING TO TURN OUT ALL RIGHT - BILLY GRAHAM
* On Feb. 18, 1885, Mark Twain publishes
his famous -- and controversial -- novel
"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."
Its satirical look at racism, religion and
other social attitudes of the time led libraries to ban the book.
* On Feb. 21, 1948, NASCAR
-- the National Association for Stock Car Racing -- is officially incorporated. NASCAR held its first Strictly Stock race in
1949 at Charlotte Speedway in North Carolina.
* On Feb. 15, 1961, the entire 18-member
U.S. figure skating team is killed in a plane
crash in Belgium. The team was on
its way to the 1961 World Figure Skating Championships in
Czechoslovakia. After the crash,
an American woman (Peggy Fleming) would not capture Olympic gold until 1968, while a U.S.
man (Scott Hamilton) would not do so until 1984.
* On Feb. 16, 1997, Jeff Gordon claims his first Daytona 500
victory, becoming at age 25 the
youngest winner in the history
of the 500-mile NASCAR
race, dubbed the "Super
Bowl of stock car racing."
(c) 2016 King Features Synd.,
Inc.
DO FAKE PLANTS DIE IF YOU DON’T PRETEND TO WATER THEM?
NEVER GIVE THE DEVIL A RIDE - HE ALWAYS WANTS TO DRIVE
NEVER RAISE YOUR HANDS TO YOUR CHILDREN; IT LEAVES YOUR GROIN UNPROTECTED
THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF - FDR
IN POLITICS, NOTHING HAPPENS BY ACCIDENT. IF IT HAPPENS, YOU CAN BET IT WAS PLANNED THAT WAY - FDR
VIRTUES ARE LOST IN SELF INTEREST AS A RIVER IS LOST IN THE SEA
GOD GAVE YOU A GIFT OF 86,400 SECONDS TODAY. HAVE YOU USED ONE TO SAY 'THANK YOU?' - WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
A FAMILY IS LIKE BRANCHES ON A TREE; WE ALL GROW IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS BUT SHARE THE SAME ROOTS
DECIDING NOT TO CHOOSE JESUS IS STILL MAKING A CHOICE
WE CONSIDER TOO MUCH THE GOOD LUCK OF THE EARLY BIRD AND NOT ENOUGH THE BAD LUCK OF THE EARLY WORM
A REAL CHRISTIAN IS A PERSON WHO CAN GIVE HIS PET PARROT TO THE TOWN GOSSIP - BILLY GRAHAM
- FDR
I ONCE SAW A FORKLIFT LIFT A CRATE OF FORKS. AND IT WAS WAY TO LITERAL FOR ME - MITCH HEDBERG
AND HOW ARE WE TODAY?
A woman called the local hospital. She said, "I'd
like some information about one of your patients,
Sally Jones. I want all the information from
top to bottom."
The voice on the other end of the line said,
"Jacobs, Janson...Jensen, Let me see...
Jones. Oh yes, Mrs. Jones is doing very well.
In fact, she's eating solid food and her doctor says if she continues improving he is going to send her home tomorrow."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! I'm so happy
to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The hospital employee said, "I’m glad you’re so happy, you
must be very close to Mrs. Jones."
The woman said, "I AM Mrs. Jones! It’s just that my doctor
won’t tell me anything!"
ROUNDS AND ROUNDS WE GO
While making rounds, the doctor showed an X-ray to
a group of medical students. "This patient limps," she
said, "the because his left fibula and tibia are arched.”
Pointing to an intern, she demanded, “What would
you do in a case like this?"
"Well," pondered the student, "I suppose I'd
limp too."