Group Role-play: Form a Stepfamily
Learn What a Becoming New Stepfamily Feels Like
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW; Member, NSRC Expert’s Council
This outlines a safe, interesting ~three-hour role-play that helps 12 or more adults and/or
teens experience some aspects of forming a new stepfamily. This exercise can stand alone, or
may be used as part of a seminar on building high-nurturance stepfamily relationships – e.g. the
modular re/marriage-preparation course on the Web at sfhelp.org/sf/guide7.htm. All the
Web-page links below lead to the non-profit site http://sfhelp.org/. Thus (..sf/myths.htm) means
http://sfhelp.org/03/myths.htm.
Contents
• Summary and purpose
• Role-play leader’s guide
• Worksheet 1 – Form a biofamily
• Worksheet 2 – Divorce
• Worksheet 3 – Form a three-home stepfamily, and plan your first Thanksgiving
Summary and Purpose
Lectures about being in a stepfamily don’t convey what it feels like. This three-hour
exer-cise gives participants a chance to experience some of the confusions, dilemmas, and
conflicts. This occurs by forming participants into three to five-member “biofamilies,” and guiding
them safely through two (truncated) phases of family change. The parts of this experience are:
1) Introductions, context, and role-play guidelines; (15” - 20”)
2) Small groups: Form a typical two-adult, two-child biofamily (~30”);
3) Biofamilies confront common divorce decisions, as Dad, and perhaps one or both kids,
move out (~30”);
4) Form a typical new stepfamily by Dad re/marrying a divorced biomom with two kids,
in-cluding planning the stepfamily’s first three-home Thanksgiving (~45”).
5) Large group debrief: ask participants what this sequence felt like (~45” – 60”).
Participants will learn more if they don’t know the themes of parts 3 and 4 before
experi-encing them.
*
Copy and distribute this freely, if you clearly credit the author and source.
Options
This group exercise can be useful in a wide range of situations…
• As a stand-alone family-life education event for adults (e.g. single parents), high school students, or families;
• Before other stepfamily-related seminars or events, to raise participants’ interest, aware-ness,
and receptivity;
• After other stepfamily-related seminars or events, to experientially illuminate and validate key
points that were made, like membership, loyalty, and values conflicts.
• In the 7-module re/marriage-preparation seminar (..07/bhsf/intro.htm), this role-play can be
specially effective just before or after Module 5 – introduction to stepfamilies
• As part of a co-parent support-group program, specially if kids participate.
• As part of a professional in-service program, to help apprentice and practicing clinicians or
teachers better empathize with stepfamily clients or students.
• To raise the stepfamily awareness of family-law professionals: e.g. divorce attorneys, judges,
and mediators.
• As part of a county, state, or church divorce-awareness program for separated or divorcing
couples.
• As part of the curriculum for prospective pastoral counselors and clergy.
• As an awareness-raising exercise for family-law legislators, and law enforcement professionals.
Requisites
• This exercise needs at least 12 participants and one or more leaders. If there are more participants, they can role-play, or be small-group observers. Participants can be all teens,
teens and adults, or adults.
• Participants can be in a stepfamily or not.
• Participants need to know this exercise will take about three hours, and be able to spend that
time without distraction. Many factors make it hard to predict how long this exercise will take
without rushing it. It’s best to plan too much time overall, and not be too rigid about ending
one part of the experience and moving on. Each group will evolve its own pace.
• The leader/s direct participants through four phases, watch the time and pace the small
groups, and debrief the large group at the end.
• Each participant will need a copy of each of the three handouts below, and something to write
with and on.
• Participants should view this as a safe learning exercise based on realistic role-playing, not a
game or parody. Let people know this up front, to minimize their trivializing or satirizing the
role-play. People who are uncomfortable with divorce and/or re/marriage can compensate
by clowning or joking about aspects of this role-play. That detracts from their and others’
learnings.
Setting and Materials
The exercise is best done in a comfortable, spacious area with movable chairs. The room
should be large enough so that talking in adjacent small groups won’t distract each other.
Alter-natively, use “break out” rooms for each small group, though this makes directing the
exercise harder and reduces participants’ peripheral learnings.
It’s helpful but not essential to have a chalkboard or flipchart pad on which to summarize
instructions and/or collect group responses. Have spare pads, pencils or pens, and Kleenex
available.
Leader/s
The facilitator/s need to…
• Be familiar with all five parts of the exercise, and…
• Be at ease directing and facilitating a group of 12+ adults and/or teens, including handling
group questions, and making process decisions as the exercise unfolds;
• Be familiar with stepfamily dynamics, norms, and challenges; i.e. –
° The five common re/marriage hazards (sfhelp.org/hazards.htm),
° The 12 protective co-parent projects (..12-overvw.htm),
° Basic stepfamily facts (..03/facts.htm),
° Common stepfamily myths (..04/myths.htm),
° 30 structural differences between stepfamilies and intact biofamilies (..03/compare.htm),
° Typical new-stepfamily mergers (..09/merge.htm),
° Loyalty conflicts (..09/lc-intro.htm) and relationship triangles (..09/triangles.htm), and…
° Typical adjustment tasks for co-parents (..09/sf-task1.htm) and kids (..10/kid-tasks.htm).
• Ideally, have life experience with marriage, child conception and parenting, divorce, and
re/marriage. (The “/” notes that it may be a stepparent’s first union.)
Leader/s Guide
This describes a five-part framework for the role-play, including process and content
op-tions. Select among them to design your version of the role-play.
1) Introduction
If this group hasn’t met before…
• Welcome and settle participants, and introduce yourself. Hand out any preliminary materials,
excluding worksheets 2 or 3.
• Invite each participant to say a little about _ who they are and _ why they came to the group.
Ask:
° if anyone has lived in a stepfamily as a child or adult. Note anyone who says “Yes,” for they
can comment on the reality of this role-play, in part 5.
° how many have living or dead kids, and perhaps who has the youngest and oldest kids in
this group.
° if anyone is a grandparent, and perhaps who has the most siblings. You’ll ask later about
their divorce experience.
° If they’ve ever had any training in stepfamily relationships before.
• Summarize the purpose of this role-play experience. Put it in context of any related classes,
seminars, programs, or events – e.g. explain (generally) what you’re all going to do together,
and why. Option: hand out copies of the Web pages (..03/facts.htm and ..5reasons.htm)
now. Highlight their contents as rationale for this role-play - e.g. “The experience we’re
about to create together will reduce the ‘stepfamily unawareness’ re/divorce factor in
(5reasons.htm).” Note: these Web pages are summarized as handouts 1-1, and 1-2 in
Mod-ule 1 of the re/marriage evaluation course at (..07/bhsf/intro.htm).
• Emphasize this is a safe learning experience, not therapy.
• Give a more detailed preview of the role-play. Describe _ what participants will be asked to do,
and _ guidelines for keeping safe and comfortable enough. For example…
° “This is a 5-part small-group experience that will last about three hours. Each part builds on
the parts before it. I’ll answer any questions that may come up as we go, and I’ll watch the
time, and help pace and focus you. At the end, we’ll discuss your experiences, and re-cap
what you learned.
° “This is a fairly life-like role-play of adults and kids in evolving family situations. It is not
meant to be a satire or a game. You’ll help each other learn more from this experience if
you keep it as realistic as you can.
° “Because people may share personal experiences during this exercise, please respect
each other’s confidence and privacy. Let’s agree that any personal information you hear
stays here, unless the speaker OK’s revealing it to others.
° “A lot goes on in this role-play. You may wish to jot notes of key awarenesses, questions, or
concerns as you go. Does everyone have something to write with?
° “If something upsets you during this exercise, it’s OK to say ‘I need to be quiet for a bit,
now,’ or ‘I can’t do that,’ or set some limit that respects your own limits and dignity. If
any-one has a problem like this, please raise your hand as we go, and we’ll resolve it
together.
° “In this exercise you each have chances to try out new behaviors. In the first step, you’ll be
asked to pick a family role to invent and play – a mother, father, or a child between five
and 13. This is a chance to safely experience a different role than your real-life one. If
you’re a male, consider playing a female. If you’re an adult, try out being a son or
daugh-ter. This is not about acting skill. It’s about following your instincts and values, to
see where they lead you.
° “You’re in charge of being the unique, special you in this experience we’re going to build
together. There is no right or wrong here, and no good or bad role-playing. There are just
tasks, honest reactions, and new awarenesses. These can help you and others you care
about in real life.
° Leader/s: If you have special things you want participants to be aware of, identify them here
– e.g. “Pay special attention to how you feel, and what you think, as this exercise un-folds.
Be alert for things that surprise you, or note things you want to discuss later.”
° Option: Ask for questions. Then go around the room and ask each person to say _ one or
two words about how they feel now, or _ “I pass.” This exercise is about raising personal
and group awareness.
• Cover any administrative details, like smoking policy, bathroom locations, telephones, and
refreshments. When you feel the group is ready, move into the first part of the role-play.
2) Form Biofamilies (~30”)
• Set the stage – Ask people to describe _ what they think a “family” is, and then _ what sets
families apart from other human groups besides child conception. Note that stepfamily
adults and kids always come from a childhood family, and some from a prior first-marriage
family. Options:
° Review the rich mix of family types that comprise our culture: “traditional” biofamily,
adop-tive, foster, racially and culturally mixed, divorced, widowed, homosexual, step,
childless, communal, etc. Each type has some unique attributes. Of these, stepfamilies
have the most differences from intact biological (first-marriage) families.
° Briefly discuss the purpose of any family. See and perhaps read, and/or copy and hand out,
(..06/mission1.htm).
° Note that all families range from…
* “Close” (strong mutual bonds) to “disengaged” (weak bonds), and…
* Low-nurturance (“dysfunctional”) to high-nurturance (“functional”). See
(..01/health.htm).
° Note that typical stepfamilies differ from intact biofamilies in over 60 structural and dynamic
ways (..03/compare.htm and ..09/sf-task1.htm). In other ways, they’re just like average
bio-families (..03/similar.htm). Most co-parents (stepparent-bioparent partners) and lay and
professional supporters aren’t aware of these differences and what they mean.
This personal and social unawareness promotes up to 60 myths about stepfamily
life (..04/myths.htm). These combine to promote co-parents’ unrealistic expectations,
con-flicts, and stepfamily stress. Stepfamily unawareness and four other factors cause
over half of U.S. stepfamily re/marriages to fail psychologically or legally, despite ~90%
of them following one or both mates’ prior divorce.
This role-play aims to raise participants’ awareness of some key stepfamily
reali-ties, like _ role confusion, _ anxieties, _ values and loyalty conflicts, and _ stressful
rela-tionship triangles.
• Hand out worksheet 1. Explain that this will guide people through the first part of the role-play.
Don’t hand out the other two worksheets yet, to simulate spouses not expecting di-vorce
and re/marriage in real life.
• Ask people to break into groups of four, per the worksheet. If the number of participants
war-rants it, groups of three are OK (Mom, Dad, and child 1), but four are better. You need
at least three “families” (groups) for the exercise to work.
Option: you may wish to use a different occasion than Thanksgiving in this part of the
exercise. If so, change the worksheet to reflect that, ask related questions, and make the
same changes to worksheet 3.
• If any participants are too uneasy about role-playing, invite them to observe – i.e. to be part of
a small group, and keep notes on what they experience, like a reporter. Observers can
provide valuable feedback in the last part of the experience.
• If your number of participants isn’t a multiple of four, ask one or more groups to have either
three people or five. The fifth person will play the role of a third child, a live-in relative, or be
an observer.
• After people have moved into their groups, ask them to space their groups apart to minimize
distracting each other.
• Ask members of each group to introduce themselves to each other, and anything they want
their new “family” to know about them in real life (“I have a six-year old son, and grew up in
Montana. We’ve had pet ferrets for four years.”)
• Walk through the worksheet, highlighting each task. Explain that each group’s mission is to
use the worksheet to invent themselves into a realistic biological (first-marriage) family, in
the next ~30”. Encourage people to try a different role than their real-life one/s.
• Answer any questions. When everyone is clear on their mission, note the time, and begin. If a
group has problems, ask them to raise a hand. If that happens, monitor the time, and
de-cide whether to make a decision for the group or let them resolve their struggle.
• Circulate quietly among the groups. Listen in unobtrusively to what they’re doing, and keep
them on track. If a group is lagging, defocusing, or arguing, guide them. If a group seems to
be too intellectual, ask each person how they feel about this process. If they’re too noisy,
ask them to stay aware of distracting neighboring “families.” Remind them that there is no
right or wrong about what they’re doing – this is not a race or competition!
• When _ all groups seem finished “enough” or _ about 25” has gone by, ask everyone to
complete their worksheets and finish up. Invite them to note any current thoughts and
emo-tions. If anyone is observing, ask them to note a few things about what they saw their
“fam-ily” do, as they invented themselves ; e.g. whether they were nervous, or serious, or
intellec-tual, or their mood shifted, they clowned and avoided engaging, who dominated and
who was silent …
• If people need a quick stretch or bathroom break, do that now. Don’t debrief yet - that comes in
part 5. Reconvene people in their biofamily groups.
3) Biofamily Divorce (~30”)
• Set the stage: Note that…
° “About half of typical American first-marriage couples divorce legally. About 75% of them
have one or more kids. The majority of divorced or widowed bioparents re/marry within
seven years of divorce. About nine of 10 average U.S. stepfamilies follow the divorce of
one or both new partners, vs. mate death.
° “Divorced biofamilies with kids don’t end, they reorganize. They split into two homes, which
are linked for decades by parent-child love and responsibilities, genes, traditions,
memo-ries, losses, emotions, expectations, needs, finances, and legal contracts.
° Ask how many people come from a divorced childhood family. Then ask, if they’re willing to
say, how many are divorced parents. Frame any who answer as valuable resource people
on what’s about to happen.
° Tell people the biofamily they just co-created is divorcing, and about to separate. Repeat –
if anything in this part of the role-play upsets anyone too much, encourage him or her to
honor their feelings and needs without guilt.
° Note what happens to the emotional “tone” or energy level among the large group now.
• Option: check with any observers to see if they’d like to participate in the next two parts of the
role-play as a grandparent.
• Hand out worksheet 2), and walk through it with everyone. Hilight:
° “The goal of this part of the role-play is to raise your awareness of _ some key decisions
that typical divorcing families with minor kids face, and _ how the biofamily’s reorganizing
feels to each family member.
° “There are no right-wrong decisions here, only normal human reactions.
° Ask participants to note what each of them is losing as this step unfolds. A key aspect of
divorced families and all stepfamilies is the need to grieve important losses – broken
emo-tional bonds, or attachments (..05/grief-intro.htm). Typical divorced adults and their
kids don’t identify or discuss what they’ve lost, which makes healthy grieving harder.
° Note that for the sake of the role-play, Dad is moving to a new dwelling within 40 miles –
with or without any kids. Obviously in real life, Moms leave too. Also acknowledge that in
real life, families take months to explore and stabilize answers to the complex questions in
worksheet 2.
° Encourage people to take their time deliberating these divorce decisions, and not just make
snap decisions for the sake of filling out the worksheet. If conflicts occur, let them evolve
as in real life.
° Invite people in _ parenting roles to notice how they feel about making the kids part of these
decisions, and _ “kids” to note how it feels to be included or excluded. Encourage “kids” to
ask parents questions and freely vent their emotions and needs.
° Notice any alliances that form, as the family reorganizes. Who sides with who?
° Try not to intellectually “compute” answers to these questions - live them. Don’t analyze a
divorcing family, be one! Follow your emotions and heart as you try to resolve these
real-life family dilemmas. If non-worksheet questions come up among biofamily members,
note and process them, if time allows.
• Let people know how much time they have to do this step, and that you’ll watch the time and
pace them.
• Again, you’ll be circulating, observing, and helping everyone stay on target or resolve role-play
problems. Ask for a raised hand if a group needs you for something.
• Invite and resolve any questions. When the group feels ready, begin.
• Note the time, and circulate. Note any shifts in the group’s energy, volume, or dynamics. Be
alert for anyone who seems unusually quiet, or looks notably upset. If anyone does, ask her
or him if s/he’s OK. If not, negotiate with that group to see how to best continue with the
role-play. Try to be quiet with this, to minimize distracting other groups.
Don’t force anyone to participate. If any family seems to be escalating into a serious
argument, intervene. If useful, remind them this is an educational role-play. Ask anyone
who’s very upset to reflect on what’s upsetting them, and why.
• Be alert for someone venting at length about their real-life situation in their small group. Limit
that, respectfully, to keep to your overall timetable.
• As this part of the role-play evolves, pace the group, like “You should be at least halfway
through your worksheet by now,” and “You have about another 10 minutes…”
• If families finish early, have them quietly review the divorce decisions they reached, and
suggest things they can focus their remaining time on together. The keys are processing
how this divorce feels to each adult and child, and noticing how their family reacts to these
tough losses, changes, and decisions.
• When _ all groups seem finished enough or _ your allocated time has elapsed (at least ~25”),
ask everyone to complete their worksheets and finish up. Ask them to reflect and note any
current thoughts and emotions. Ask any observers to write down a few key things about
what they saw their “family” do as they evolved their divorce – e.g. whether they were
nerv-ous, or serious, or intellectual, or defocused, or… Take a time check: you should be
ap-proaching halfway through your allotted time for the whole role-play now. Adjust your
pace as needed.
• If people need a quick stretch or bathroom break, do that now and reconvene quickly.
En-courage silent reflection, to preserve participant’s moods and thoughts.
4) Form a New Stepfamily (~45”)
• Leader/s: You’ll guide this part of the role-play more confidently and empathically if you’ve
recently read the Web-page articles on p. 3.
• Option: _ hand out copies of this sample genogram, or family map (..03/geno-ltl.htm) to help
everyone visualize the members in their new three-home nuclear stepfamily; or _ hand out
this map of a full multi-generational (extended) stepfamily (..03/geno2.htm); or _ have a
flip-chart diagram or chalkboard copy of (..03/geno-ltl.htm) to refer to.
• Option: add a step where Dad and any kids move in with their new partner and kids before
re/marrying. Then process planning a re/wedding as a separate event in the role-play. This
can be specially relevant for courting co-parents and clergy. Planning a typical stepfamily
re/wedding ceremony is amazingly complex emotionally, financially, and logistically. See
(..Rx/spl/wedding1.htm)
• Option: check with any observers to see if they’d like to participate in this part of the role-play
as a grandparent.
• Set the stage:
° “About three years have passed since Dad left home. Each of you note how old you are
now (in the role play). During these three years…
° “Your two-home divorced family may or may not have stabilized into regular visitation,
child-support, holiday, and vacation routines;
° “Pre-divorce wounds, distrusts, and disrespects may have moderated or not;
° “Mom and Dad each began dating a single parent;
° “For the sake of the role-play, Dad has recently remarried. He and any custodial kids have
just moved into his new partner’s home; and…
° “You kids and some or all of your relatives may or may not have gone to the wedding.
“Your goal in this part of the role-play is the same as the first part – except this time, you’re
inventing a three-home nuclear stepfamily.
• Re-form the small groups and introduce everyone
° Ask each Dad to pick one of the other “divorced Moms” in the group to “remarry,” with any
of his custodial children. Make sure everyone has their copy of worksheets 1 and 2. If
there’s too much confusion in doing this, you (leader/s) assign a divorced Mom and family
to each Dad. Coach them that despite the role-play reality, they’re playing people deeply in
love with each other, after months of courting.
° Have the small groups re-form so that Mom and any custodial kids, and any relative or
ob-server, are sitting with her new husband and any of his custodial kids. Ask everyone in
each new-stepfamily group introduce themselves to each other.
° Answer any large-group questions that occur in this new arrangement. Notice the energy
level in people and the whole group. Ask everyone to notice _ how they feel and _ what
they need, in their role/s.
° Ask the Dads to leave, get their other child/ren, and bring them back to introduce them to
his new wife and their new stepsiblings. Take a few minutes to do that, and then ask the
Dads to escort their kids home, or have their Biomoms “pick them up” (walk over to the
Dad and stepmom’s group, collect the child/ren, and return “home.”)
° Ask everyone to take a moment to notice (or write down) what they feel and think. Then tell
everyone they’re now going to re-do the biofamily-building step with the new combinations
of people.
• Hand out worksheet #3, and walk the group through it before asking them to fill it out. Keys:
° A major early decision for each adult and child is who to include in your new stepfamily –
who belongs? (See ..03/members.htm.) Adults and kids often have different opinions.
Op-tion: if you haven’t already, hand out and explain copies of the stepfamily diagram
(geno-gram) in (..03/geno2.htm) or equivalent. There are no social rules here, so use your
best judgments. If people ask you for guidance, help by not helping. Say “Each new
stepfamily has to decide for themselves.”
° “Consider whether the act of remarriage and cohabiting changed any of your expectations
of, or tolerances about, each other, relative to your courtship relationships.”
° “In determining your stepfamily home’s monthly gross income, factor in incoming and
out-going child support. Notice what it feels like to do that.” (Ref. ..Rx/ex/money.htm)
° “Note your option to move to a dwelling that’s new to all of you, or stay in the Mom’s house.
Discuss this decision as a family, before filling in the “dwelling” part of the work-sheet. Note
the number of bedrooms and beds you’ll need to accommodate any visiting kids. If you
choose a new dwelling, note whether it’s significantly farther away from the Dad’s
first-marriage home than his prior dwelling was (to make child-visitation decisions).
° “Mull whether or not _ your remarriage and _ any related geographic move triggers any
di-vorced bioparent to seek a change in _ legal or _ physical child custody, and/or _ in a
child’s primary residence. (Ref. ..Rx/spl/custody1.htm).
° “In deciding about child-visitation arrangements, it’s OK for you divorced parents to leave
your stepfamily home and go talk to your ex mate.
° “Negotiate who does what household chores, as you did before. Add a discussion of
whether visiting stepkids should have chores, and if so, which ones? Who is going to
moni-tor if they do the chores? Option: see how visiting kids feel about doing chores at
their Dad’s new house.
° Have a stepfamily meeting to identify some activities you’d all like to do together, including
any visiting stepkids.
• Plan your first Thanksgiving
° Repeat what you did for your biofamily, with some new tasks:
* Add child visitation details, after negotiating with ex mates and older kids;
* Resolve or ignore conflicts of preferences, traditions, and responsibilities; and…
* Grieve lost traditions, and start new ones.
* Note who makes the decisions on this process.
* Again, note any alliances: who sides with who, now?
° If you finish designing your step-Thanksgiving before other groups, use the time to define
what’s different about this one (vs. prior life), and how that feels to each adult and child.
Leader: allocate a time span to do this part of the role-play (at least 15”), and tell the
par-ticipants how long they have.
° Answer any general questions about this part of the role play, and ask people to raise their
hand if they need you as the experience unfolds. Encourage them to really imagine what
they’d each feel, need, and experience in real life. Also encourage people playing kids to
feel and act their role-play age realistically and assertively. Ask real-life questions, and
vent honest current emotions. Help each other make this believable!
• When you all feel ready, ask the groups to start. Circulate unobtrusively, listening in to see if
groups are on track, and moving at an OK pace. Watch for groups _ making snap judgments
and filling out their worksheets without really discussing their true feelings, and _ groups
get-ting too tangled up in details or conflicts, and falling behind.
• Alert groups when they have ~10” to finish up, and ask them to raise their hand to let you know
when they’ve finished the worksheet.
• When either the last group raises a hand or the time limit expires, ask the groups to end what
they’re doing, and shift their chairs to face you.
5) Large-group Debrief and Closing (~45” – 60”)
Leader note: this debriefing can be long and complex. It clarifies, illuminates, and adds
learn-ings to the small-group experiences. Keeping your group’s focal interests and knowledge
level in mind, use your best judgment on _ which questions to ask, _ how long to process
answers, and _ whether to include a break. Option: invite participants to take notes as the
debriefing un-folds. Every participant is a teacher and a student!
• Ask the group “What are you aware of (or feeling) now?” or _ go around the room and ask
each person to comment or say “I pass.” _ Collect key adjectives on a chalkboard or
flip-chart, and note any pattern that emerges. Common response themes are overwhelmed,
boggled, numb, confused, and enlightened.
• Perspective: “Recall the purpose of this long exercise: to raise your awareness of what it feels
like for biofamily adults and kids to transition through divorce into a new stepfamily. Toward
that goal, this multi-part role pay took us through building a biofamily, then divorce and
separation decisions and losses, and then forming a new stepfamily and planning your first
step -Thanksgiving.
“This sequence obviously truncates years of actual life experiences, so you’ve gotten a
fast-forward glimpse of the real process. What you’ve experienced here is a sample of what
average co-parents, kids, and relatives encounter.
“Each person in this role-play experienced something different. Something that was
unremarkable to one of you may have been very powerful for another. Those of you who
played kids had a different set of needs than the adults. Stepparents had a different
experi-ence than bioparents. Let’s get a sampling of what you all got from this role-play. What
you observed and felt can broaden other’s learnings. If you jotted any notes during the parts of
the role-play, refer to them now. We’ll look at each part of the role-play together, and then at
the whole experience.
• Note the tendency for people to focus on stressful, confusing, or troublesome reactions to this
role-play. Encourage participants to balance their feedback, and to comment also on what
felt positive to them about _ their pretend families and _ the role-play process.
• Debrief part 1) - Forming a biofamily. “Let’s start with what it was like for you to form a
bio-family.
° “Would one of your members introduce your original biofamily to us? What are your names,
ages, and occupations, where did you live, and what are some highlights about the family
you “became”? Use your worksheet to introduce your family. Include any observers or
relatives.
° Options: _ after each family introduction, ask if any other member of that biofamily wants to
add anything, specially the kids; and/or _ ask if anyone outside that family wants to ask a
question of their members - in general, or of a specific adult or child.
If no one volunteers to introduce their biofamily, ask one of the “parents” to read
from their worksheet. Notice the mood and energy level in the room as each family
intro-duces themselves. Are the people light-hearted and spontaneous? Somber and
reticent? Imaginative and creative, or intellectual and conservative? Note that each family
has a unique style, which reflects the personalities, values, and backgrounds of the people
doing the designing.
° “Now that we know what you all came up with, let’s learn about the process you went
through to get there.” Options: _ copy and pass out these questions; _ summarize
re-sponses (key words or phrases) on a flipchart page or chalkboard. Questions are
num-bered here for leader reference.
° Q1 – “How many of you chose a role that was different from your real-life roles, e.g. men
choosing a female role, or an adult choosing to be a child? What was that like?
° Q2 – “What did any of you notice about the process you evolved as you designed your
small group into a biofamily? Recall: there are no rights or wrongs here…” If there was an
observer in any family, ask her or him for comments on what they saw. How were their
members reacting to this part of the role-play, cautiously? Creatively? Combatively? Who
took charge?
° Q3 – “Was there anything that made you uncomfortable about forming a biofamily in this
role-play? What thoughts and memories did it bring up?
° Q4 – “Did any of the design questions cause your small group notable confusion or
con-flict?”
° Q5 – “What was it like to design your traditional Thanksgiving in this new biofamily?
° Q6 – “Those of you who were kids: did you feel included and valued as this first-marriage
family took shape? Were you active or passive in the process? Did your adults consult
you? Did this recall anything about your real-life experience as a child?” Note: this is not
meant to shame those who played the parents; it’s meant to focus everyone on the
role-play dynamics that emerged.
° Q7 – “Would you say the biofamily you designed together was bonded and close-knit,
dis-tant and detached, or in between?” Option: ask for a show of hands. Note that any
answer is “normal” for the group.
° Q8 – “Did you enjoy this (part-1) experience? Why or why not?”
° Add your own questions and/or invite overall comments about the biofamily-formation part
of the role-play.
• Debrief Part 2) – Planning to Divorce
Option: ask for a show of hands of people who have gone through a real divorce as a
child or an adult. Invite those veterans to comment briefly on their real-life experiences as you
ask these questions…
° Q9 – “Do you remember what you thought and felt (in your role) when you first learned your
biofamily was going to divorce? Is there a ‘best way’ to learn your family’s divorcing?
° Q10 – “What was it like trying to decide why your family was divorcing? Did anyone want to
blame? Did you have a scapegoat? Options:
* Ask several volunteers to say why their role-play family divorced, and how they
ex-plained that to their kids;
* Ask any real-life divorced parents how they explained divorce to their kids;
* Ask the group “Is it better to be honest with the kids, or not?”
° Q11 – _ “How did you handle the question of child custody? _ How did you kids feel about
_ what the adults decided and _ the way they decided?”
° Q12 – “What did you notice about the process of deciding the amount of child support?”
° Q13 – “What was this divorce process like for you ‘kids’?” Note any age-related or
gender-related themes in the responses. Option: hand out, discuss, and validate this
summary of typical kids’ adjustment tasks: sfhelp.org/10/kid-tasks.htm. Alert: this can
easily take 30” or more…
° Q14 – “What other questions do divorcing biofamilies encounter? E.g. –
* Will Mom leave, or should Dad?
* Do men handle divorce differently than women?
* Did the mates do everything they could to avoid divorce?
* Do relatives and friends withdraw or take sides?
* Where do divorcing adults go to get support?
* How can parents support their kids as they divorce?
* What happens when lawyers enter the picture? And so on…
° Q15 – “Did any of you kids leave with Dad?” If so, ask how that felt to members of their
biofamily. Option: ask people for their real life experiences (briefly).
° Q16 – “What kind of worries were you aware of, as you started planning for your family to
split into two homes? E.g. did you kids worry if your siblings or parent/s were going to be
OK? Did anyone worry about having enough money?”
° Q17 – “What kinds of things were you each losing as your family began the separation and
legal divorce process?” (Examples: losses of security, identity, familiar routines and
tradi-tions, dreams, self-esteem, trust…)
° Q18 – “Did any of you adults or kids experience guilts about some aspect of the divorce?”
Option: discuss healthy ways of reducing such guilts, over time. (..Rx/ex/guilt.htm)
° Q19 – “As you planned to separate, were any of you thinking ahead about forming a
step-family?” (Show of hands)
° Q20 – “If there’s such a thing as a “good divorce,” what are key factors that promote that?”
(ref. ..Rx/mates/redivorce1.htm)
° Q21 – If there were observers or ‘relatives’ in any biofamily, ask them what they _
ob-served and _ felt as their biofamily planned divorce.
° _ Add your own questions, and _ ask for any final over-all comments about this second part
of the role-play. Note that the decision to divorce can come suddenly or build up over many
months or years.
Usually the greater part of divorce loss and trauma comes over these months, and
at family separation, rather then because of the legal process or event of divorce.
Explor-ing the causes and personal and social impacts of emotional and legal divorce
justifies it’s own seminar/s.
• Debrief Part 3a) - Form a new stepfamily
° Option: ask people with real-life stepfamily experience to comment on them, as you
dis-cuss these questions:
° Acknowledge the role-play distortion of having both parents re/marry simultaneously. In real
life, one partner re/marries before the other one, and some partners never re/ marry.
° Ask a spokesperson to introduce each stepfamily, as you did with the biofamilies. Option:
ask the members of each separate stepfamily to stand up. Notice and acknowledge any
confusion that question produces. This symbolizes a common early stepfamily stressor –
agreeing on membership, and resolving inner and interpersonal disputes over stepfamily
identity, inclusion, and exclusion. (..03/members.htm)
° Q22 – “What was it like for you adults and kids to learn that Dad was marrying another
woman? What kinds of feelings, thoughts, and questions were you aware of?”
° Q23 – Moms and kids: “What was it like when the new man (and any kids) ‘moved in with
you’ (joined your small group)?”
° Q24 – Kids: “When you learned your parents were remarrying someone with kids, _ did you
think of the new adult as your stepparent? _ Did you think of the new kids as step-brothers
and sisters? _ Did you think of yourself as a stepsister or brother? If not, why? If so, what
was that like?”
° Q25 – Stepdads:
* “What was it like for you to move in to your new partner’s home?
* “What did you feel and think when you realized another man was moving into your kids’
home, and would be co-raising your child/ren?
* “Did you think of the other man as your kids’ stepfather? Why (not)?
* “Did you think of yourself as a stepdad? If so, how was that for you?
° Q26 – Stepmoms:
* “What thoughts and feelings were you aware of when you realized your custodial or
non-custodial kids would have another woman co-parenting them?
* “Did you think of her as your kids’ stepmother? Why (not)?
* “As you ‘remarried,’ did you think of yourself as a stepmother?
* “If not, why? If so, how was that for you?
° Q27 – social status. “What adjectives come to your mind about stepfamily? Stepparent?
Stepchild?” Options:
* Collect answers on a flipchart page or chalkboard, and ask, “What impacts on a new
stepfamily relationships do you think those attitudes (adjectives) have?
* Ask, “In your real-life experience, how common is it that adults and kids in a stepfamily
identify themselves as stepkids and stepparents?”
* “Do you think in general steppeople are proud of their family and role identities? If not,
what do they feel?”
* Comment on the option of calling all three or more related adults in a stepfamily
“co-parents” to reduce the common social bias against “stepparents”.
° Q28 – stepfamily membership:
* “What was it like to identify the members of your new stepfamily?”
* “Did you all agree on who belonged?”
* “Did anyone not want to be included?”
* “If you disagreed over who belonged, how did your stepfamily react to that?”
° Q29 – names:
* “What was it like to have people in your stepfamily with different last names?”
* “If any of you Moms took your new husband’s last name, how did that feel to _ you and _
you kids?”
* “Did any of you discover that people in your new stepfamily had the same first names?”
° Q30 – “What did you notice about computing your new stepfamily’s monthly income? What
did the new income mean to each of you?”
° Q31 – bedrooms and privacy:
* “What happened to the sleeping arrangements in your home when the new person/s
moved in?”
* “Did anyone lose the privacy of their own room?”
* “Did custodial kids lose any access to their parent?”
* “Did you talk about which persons used which bathrooms?”
* “How did you adults and kids react to these?”
Option: briefly discuss the pros and cons of buying a new home, vs. a stepparent moving
in to their mate’s existing home.
° Q32 – chores:
* “What was it like deciding who would do which household chore?”
* “What changed, from ‘the old way’ you allocated chores?”
* “Did any of you stepfamilies discuss how chores would be handled when stepkids came
to visit? What was that like?”
° Q33 – “What benefits did any of you experience to forming a new stepfamily?”
° Q34 – “What did you adults and kids each lose because of parental remarriage and
cohab-iting?” Examples: dreams of biofamily reunion; single-parent routines and rituals,
personal and family identity, social standing, some friends or relatives’ allegiances, role
clarity, fam-ily rank and status, familiar surroundings… Option: copy and hand out the loss
inventory (http://sfhelp.org/05/abstract-loss-inv2.htm)
° Q35 – backgrounds: “What did any of you notice about merging biofamilies with different…
* Religious beliefs and practices?”
* Ethnic identities and traditions?”
Typical stepfamilies are more apt to have these differences than first-marriage families.
This adds richness, and causes conflicts.
° Ask _ your own questions, and _ any observers and _ veteran steppeople to comment; and
_ ask for any other reactions to this third part of the role-play.
• There are two more parts to the debriefing. Sense (or ask about) your group’s energy level,
and ability to stay focused. Take a stretch/bathroom break if needed.
• Debrief Part 3b) - First Stepfamily Thanksgiving
° Perspective: “In this part of the role-play, you experience several major stepfamily
stress-ors:
* Role confusion and conflicts: who should do what here?
* Membership conflicts: who is included and excluded?
* Clashes between, and loss of, old traditions, and starting to evolve new ones; and…
* Concurrent sets of _ values and _ loyalty conflicts.
“These stressors are inevitable, simultaneous, and recur over several years, as the
co-parents’ three or more multi-generational biofamilies slowly merge and stabilize.
“These same four stressors occur around everyday things like buying food,
din-ing together, and doing household chores; as well as holidays, vacations, and
special family events. Accumulated unresolved loyalty conflicts are one of the most often
quoted reasons for eventual stepfamily re/divorce. (..09/lc-intro.htm)
“Let’s learn what you all experienced with these…
° Q36 – “What did you kids and adults like about planning this family celebration?”
° Q37 – _ “What felt confusing or different about this planning? _ How did your stepfamily
members handle these differences?” (E.g. arguing, seething, negotiating, avoiding,
de-manding, blaming, manipulating, asserting…)
° Q38 – “Who took the lead in planning this event in your three-home stepfamily?”
° Q39 – _ “Did any of you decide to have two celebrations, because of your kids’ two
co-parenting homes and sets of relatives? If so, how did that feel to you _ parents and _
kids?”
° Q40 – “What was the process like for you divorced parents to negotiate where your kids
would be, how long, and who would transport them?”
° Q41 – “What was this Thanksgiving experience like for you kids? Did you feel your feelings
and needs were heard and considered? If not, why? What did you do about that?”
° Q42 – “In negotiating this stepfamily event…
* Did any of you parents or kids feel caught in the middle between pleasing or being loyal
to several people you felt you should please (a loyalty conflict)?”
* “If so, what thoughts and feelings did that bring up in you? Who did you side with?”
* “How did you resolve this conflict?” (E.g. repress it, discuss it, demand, whine, hint, get
angry, numb out, get an ally…)
Adults and kids in average stepfamilies get caught in the middle of these loyalty
conflicts all the time. They feel different than biofamily conflicts because they involve
your child or ex mate, not our child. See ..09/lc-intro.htm and .09/triangles.htm.
Option: ask any real-life steppeople in the group to comment on loyalty conflicts
and their impact on their stepfamily’s relationships and bonding.
° Q43 – “How did your stepfamily resolve Thanksgiving values differences – e.g. ’We always
drink Glug (an ethnic alcoholic beverage) at our Thanksgiving meals;’” “Well we don’t
ap-prove of alcoholic drinks with God at the table.”)? As their biofamilies merge,
(..09/merge.htm) steppeople encounter many such conflicts. Co-parents need to evolve an
effective way of acknowledging and resolving them together.
Option: ask any real-life steppeople in the group to comment on such values
con-flicts, and their impact on their stepfamily relationships and bonding.
° Q44 – “Was there anything special (positive or negative) that stood out for any of you about
this step-Thanksgiving part of our role-play?”
° Q45 – implications:
* “How many of you would want to live in a stepfamily?”
* “What do you think that means in your situation (or profession), and…
* …in our society?”
° If there were any observers, ask them to comment on this step-Thanksgiving process,
in-cluding noting things that worked well.
° _ Ask any other questions, and _ invite any last comments on the stepfamily part of the
role-play.
• Debrief 4) - The whole role-play
° Q46 – “Step back now from the three parts of our role-play, and consider the whole
proc-ess we just shared. Think back to why you came here today. Did you get some or all
of what you came for?”
° Q47 – “What are you aware of now that you didn’t know when you came to this meeting?”
° Q48 – “Did this experience motivate you to learn more about divorced families and/or
step-families, in general, or your own?”
° Q49 – “From this experience, what do you feel _ divorcing parents, _ stepfamily co-parents,
and _ family-service professionals ought to know that they probably don’t? Does
‘stepfamily unawareness’ seem more credible as a significant re/marital stressor now?”
° Option: ask “How do you feel this bio-to-step transition would be for adults and kids who
had lost a mate/parent from death, instead of divorce? What would feel the same, and
what would be different? (Perspective: ~10% of U.S. stepfamilies involve a widow/er
re/marrying. See ..Rx/mates/death.htm)
° Ask any observers to add their reactions to the whole process, including this debriefing.
° Add your own observations about the role-play process: e.g. whether people seemed
com-fortable or not; and became genuinely involved in it, or remained intellectual and
detached. Note and affirm any differences you observed in different “families.”
Closure
• Recap the goal of the role-play: to provide participants with experiential understanding and
more empathy for people who divorce and form a complex multi-home stepfamily. These
can help motivate participants to relate differently to steppeople, and to learn more about
them. Doing so offsets one of the five reasons for widespread U.S. re/divorce: co-parent
and societal unawareness and misperceptions.
• Perspective: this role-play illustrated the first phase of a multi-family, multi-level merger
process that usually takes from four or more years to stabilize. Managing this complex
merger is Project 9 of 12 for re/marrying co-parents. For perspective on this, see
(..09/merge.htm) and the other Web pages in (..09/links09.htm).
• Summarize key learning points you want the participants to leave with, like…
° Most lay and professional adults are unaware of how complex, confusing, and stressful the
life transitions from biofamily to absent-parent family to stable stepfamily are. They often
assume stepfamilies feel and act pretty much like intact biofamilies. Option: hand out a
copy of stepfamily facts (sfhelp.org/03/facts.htm) and discuss it briefly.
° Resources: see a wide array of books, games, articles, and Web sites about divorced
fami-lies and stepfamilies on the Web at ..11/resources.htm). Also see the site of the
Step-family Association of America – http://saafamilies.org/.
° Next steps: depending on who your participants are, what they need, and whether you’re
including this role-play in a larger program, identify possible ways participants can use the
learnings from this experience.
° Ask participants to fill out an evaluation of the role-play like the one below.
° If you expect to offer this role-play again, ask participants to not reveal the details of it to
others who might take it. This preserves the experiential impact of unexpected divorce and
new-stepfamily confusion.
° Option: go around the room and ask each participant to say in a few words or sentences _
what they’re aware of, or _ what they’re feeling now, or _ “I pass.”
° Thank everyone (including yourself!), and declare the meeting over.
° If you’ll present this experience again, journal ideas about any changes you want to make
the next time, and what you learned about the transition from biofamily to new stepfamily!
If you haven’t reviewed the seven free educational modules for courting co-parents, see
http://sfhelp.org/07/bhsf/intro.htm for an overview.
pkg / revised 7-02
WORKSHEET 1) – FORM A BIOFAMILY *
Directions
• Get in groups of three to five. Suggestions:
° Real-life partners should be in different groups.
° Pick people you know least well in this seminar.
° Take your materials with you.
° If you have a fifth person, add a relative or a third child to the biofamily you build.
° Pick a spokesperson to introduce your “biofamily” (small group) to the large group, after
the role-play.
• Each person pick a role: design yourselves into a first-marriage biological family by picking
first and last names, ages, occupations, dwelling features, some key roles, and some
fea-tures of your standard Thanksgiving celebration.
For wider learning, pick a different role than your real-life family role - e.g. male <->
fe-male; Mom <-> Dad; adult -> child. Have fun with this, and be realistic about your
family-de-sign choices - e.g. a family income under $75,000/year. Note: everyone in your
"family" should have the same worksheet entries. You’ll use your worksheets in later parts of
the role-play.
+++
• Define Your members: Pick first names, and a common last name. Kids' ages should be
between five and 13. "Other" can be a third child, a live-in relative, or an observer.
First and Last Names Age Occupation
Adult 1
Adult 2
Child 1
Child 2
Other
Your family religion, if any: _____________________
/N
Members attend church? Y
Your gross family income: $ _____,000 / month.
Adults'
ethnic
_______________________________________________________
Family
pet/s,
if
any
(kind/s
_____________________________________________
Your family location and dwelling: ( ) city
farm
*
( ) suburb
&
heritage/s:
name/s):
( ) small town
( )
See the non-profit Website http://sfhelp.org for helpful stepfamily ideas and resources.
_ house _ apartment or condo (which floor? ____) _ 2-flat _ other: _________________
# of floors: _____
Fireplace/s? _____
# of bedrooms: _____
Porch(es)? _____
Air-conditioned? Y / N
Yard/s: _ none
# of bathrooms _____ Is there a garage? _____
Family (recreation) room? _____?
_ small
_ medium
_ big
Responsibilities: in your household, who usually…
• Takes out the garbage? ___________________________________________________
• Does the laundry? ________________________________________________________
• Pays the bills? ___________________________________________________________
• Plans/cooks meals? ______________________________________________________
• Buys the food: ___________________________________________________________
• Makes child discipline rules? ________________________________________________
• Enforces these rules? _____________________________________________________
• Makes the major family decisions? ___________________________________________
Special Factors
Note anything special that currently affects your biofamily members – e.g. someone has a
significant health problem, a financial problem, a pregnancy, a recent death, a new job, a
graduation, an accident, an inheritance, a legal suit, … (Don’t overdo this…)
Favorite Family Events
1) _________________________________________________________________________
2) _________________________________________________________________________
3) _________________________________________________________________________
Usual Thanksgiving
• Held where? ______________________________________________________________
• Who comes? ______________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
• Normal arrival time: __________ Leave time: ____________
• Who cooks? _______________________________________________________________
• Main dishes / desserts: ______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
• Liquor/wine provided? Y / N; Church before or after eating? Y / N.
• Other traditions - prayers / photos / music / games...
+++
Stop here. If you finish designing your first-marriage family before the other groups, add some
family history: key memories, crises, events, hopes, and/or traditions. Highlight them below.
No-tice how this “inventing” process feels, and what thoughts, memories, and questions it brings
up in you.
• Thoughts/ feelings/ awarenesses from designing our first-marriage “family”:
pkg / revised 7-02
WORKSHEET 2) – GET DIVORCED *
Directions
One or both of the parents in your biofamily have decided to divorce, after years of
frus-tration, dissatisfaction, and good times. In preparing for Dad’s moving out, all of you
negotiate decisions on the following. All your completed worksheets should be the same. Notice
your feel-ings and thoughts as you do…
• Why are you divorcing - specifically?
• How do you parents explain this to your child/ren? Who explains?
• In this role-play, Dad will leave home. Which child/ren will go with him, if any?
_________________________________________________________________________
• Who will have legal custody of each child? _______________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
• Who will pay who child support? _______________________________________________
• How much? $____________ How often? _______________________________________
• Who will provide major medical coverage? _______________________________________
• Will Mom have to change her work? (Y / N) If so, how will that affect your family?
• Will Mom and remaining household members have to move? (Y / N) If so, when?
Where? ____________________________________________________________________
• Note other key divorce factors for your family, like relatives, kids’ schooling, vacations,
friendships, holidays, wills …
*
See the non-profit Website http://sfhelp.org for helpful stepfamily ideas and resources.
Child Visitations: Assume Dad will live within 40 miles of Mom after separation.
• How often will your kids see their other parent? ___________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
• How will they get there and back? ______________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
• What special arrangements or conditions exist - e.g. music lesson practice, homework help,
medications or health practices, church attendance... ?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
• How will Thanksgiving visitations be handled - i.e. which child will go where, for how long?
Who will transport kids to and from?
__________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
Stop here. If you finish before other families, share with each other how you've been feeling as
you answer the above. In this family, how do the kids' and adults divorce needs compare? What
do the kids need the most now? Do they understand why the adults are divorcing? If you have
an observer, s/he can ask questions here, like a reporter. Note anything you weren’t aware of
before.
Awarenesses - things I want to remember:
pkg / 11-00
WORKSHEET 3) – FORM A STEPFAMILY *
Directions
Three years have passed. Each parent has just remarried, so you're forming a 3-home,
6-co-parent nuclear stepfamily. Define this new family by noting names, ages, occupations,
dwell-ing features, some key roles, and features of your first Thanksgiving celebration.
• How long have you new partners known each other? _______________________________
• How well do your step-sibs know each other? _ not at all _ moderately _ well
• Do the biomom and stepmom know each other? _ not at all _ moderately _ well
• Stepfamily members: Decide who comprises your family now, and list them. Note who's last
names have changed, and how that feels:
First and Last Names Age Occupation
Co-parent 1
Co-parent 2
Co-parent 3
Co-parent 4
Co-parent 5
Co-parent 6
Child 1
Child 2
Child 3
Child 4
Your stepfamily religion/s, if any: ________________
N
Members attend church? Y /
Your gross household income: $ _____,000/month, including incoming and outgoing
child sup-port.
Your
co-parents'
ethnic
_______________________________________________
*
heritage/s:
See the non-profit Website http://sfhelp.org for helpful stepfamily ideas and resources.
Household pet/s, if any (kind/s & name/s): _________________________________________
Your household location and dwelling: _ city
_ suburb
_ house _ apartment or condo (which floor? ____)
# of floors: _____
# of bedrooms: _____
Fireplace/s? _____
Air-conditioned? Y / N
Porch(es)? _____
Yard/s: _ none
_ small town _ farm
_ 2-flat _ other: ________________
# of bathrooms _____
Is there a garage? _____
Family (recreation) room? _____?
_ small
Are there any changes in child custody? Y / N
_ medium
_ big
If so, what are they, and why?
Child Visitations
• How often will each of your adult’s kids see their non-custodial parents? Note: ex mates check
with each other to resolve any uncertainties or conflicts. Mom:
____________________________________________________________________
Dad:
_____________________________________________________________________
• Where will each visiting child sleep? Do they each have their own bed, closet, drawers, and/or
shelves in your home?
• How will the kids get to their other home and back?
• Who makes any needed special arrangements for each child to visit?
Responsibilities - in your stepfamily home, who usually…
• Takes out the garbage? _____________________________________________________
• Does the laundry? _________________________________________________________
• Pays the bills? ____________________________________________________________
• Plans/cooks meals? ________________________________________________________
• Buys the food: ____________________________________________________________
• Makes child discipline rules? _________________________________________________
• Enforces these rules? ______________________________________________________
• Makes the major household decisions? _________________________________________
• How should visiting stepchildren contribute to these chores, if at all?
Option: answer these questions for your kids’ “other home," too. What do you notice?
Special Factors
Note anything special that currently affects your stepfamily members – e.g. someone has
a significant health problem, a financial problem, a pregnancy, a recent death, a new job, a
graduation, an accident, an inheritance, a legal suit, … (Don’t overdo this…)
Favorite Stepfamily Events
1) _________________________________________________________________________
2) _________________________________________________________________________
3) _________________________________________________________________________
Plan Your First Stepfamily Thanksgiving: Divorced bioparents check with ex-mates to agree
on time, travel, and other arrangements for your kids.
• Held where? ____________________________________________________________
• Who comes? ______________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
• Arrival time: __________ Leave time: ____________
• Who cooks? ______________________________________
• Main dishes / desserts: ______________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
• Liquor/wine provided? Y / N; Church before or after? Y / N
• Will any visiting kids stay overnight? Y / N
If so, where will they sleep?___________________________________________________
How will they get back to their other home?
• Other (prayers / photos / music / games...)_______________________________________
• How does this first stepfamily Thanksgiving feel to your closest main relatives?
• What differences in _ emotions and _ logistics do you notice between this Thanksgiving and
your prior absent-parent family and biofamily traditions?
• How will those differences affect the quality of this stepfamily event for you adults and kids?
Option: co-parents ask each of your custodial kids, and tell them how you feel…
If your stepfamily finishes before the others, discuss _ changes you note from your
bio-family Thanksgivings (per worksheet #1); and _ any other details you haven’t explored or
de-fined about your new-stepfamily situation. Are you all identifying as a stepfamily?
Thoughts/ feelings/ awarenesses…
pkg / revised 7-02
EVALUATION: STEPFAMILY-FORMATION ROLE PLAY
Use this scale in circling ratings below:
1: Excellent // strongly agree
2: Good // mildly agree
3: adequate // unsure, no opinion
4: Not so good // mildly disagree
5: Poor // strongly disagree
• At the start, I was very clear on what I came for………………………….
• At the end, I feel I got everything I came for ……………………………..
• The experience matched the advertising …………………………………
• Session start and stop times ……………………………………………..
• The timing and length of breaks was sufficient …………………………
• Overall organization of the experience….………………………………..
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4
5
• The cost was reasonable ………………………………………………….
• The physical facilities helped my learning ………………………………
• Relevance, clarity, usefulness of handouts …………………………….
• Relevance, clarity, usefulness of visual aids …………………………..
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4
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• The leader’s knowledge …………………………………………………..
• The leader’s attitude ……………………………………………………….
• The leader’s skill ……………………………………………………………
• The leader’s responsiveness ………………………………………………
• The leader’s overall effectiveness …………………………………………
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• I learned useful things in this experience …………………………………
• I feel better able to relate to divorced people and steppeople now …..
• I'd recommend this experience to divorced co-parents and/or family-service
professionals (clergy, teachers, clinicians, lawyers, judges…)
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• Other:___________________________________________________
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• The most useful things to me here were:
• The least interesting or useful things were:
• I wish there had been more…
• To improve this role-play experience, I suggest:
• Other comments:
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