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Ask Bossy
with Kate de Brito
nt
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Don’t gloss over slip-up,
look at what was wrong
Got a question?
Ask Bossy. Noholds-barred
advice from our
agony aunt Kate
de Brito . . . advice
your friends are
too polite to give
Reading what he
wrote to this other
woman was like a
punch in the gut
He ‘‘cheated’’, but he’s
just so gorgeous I can’t
bear to leave
DEAR BOSSY: OK, so I have
been with my boyfriend for
four years and lived with
him for three years. He’s a
really wonderful man –
attractive, smart, caring,
romantic and funny.
We have heaps in common
and we can talk for hours on
end. I really feel he is the
only person who truly understands me. We almost never
fight and we are best friends.
We have talked about marriage and kids in terms of
‘‘when we get married’’, not
‘‘if’’. I was happy to have
found ‘‘the one’’.
So imagine my surprise
when a few weeks ago I received an email from another
woman that included saved
Facebook chats between my
bf and her that showed he
had been pursuing her.
For months he had been
flirting with her online, telling her how ‘‘beautiful’’ and
‘‘sexy’’ she is and how he was
‘‘longing to kiss her’’.
He arranged to meet up
with her and spent a day taking her out and flirting with
her. Not long after this he decided there wasn’t a connection there and ended
things.
He never told me any of
this; I had to read about it
A reader was shocked to find the love of her life had been wooing another woman on Facebook
from a stranger. Reading
what he wrote to this other
woman was like a punch in
the gut.
I broke up with him and
found a new place to stay.
The thing is, I couldn’t
move into the new place until
this weekend. Being around
him, I know he’s hurt me and
betrayed my trust, but I can’t
seem to stay mad at him.
He makes me laugh, it feels
so amazingly good in his
arms, and he cuddles me so
close and tells me how much
he loves me and how sorry he
is. I can see he is devastated
at the prospect of losing me.
His excuse for pursuing
another woman was that he
got caught up because he
wasn’t used to women liking
him — basically it was about
stroking his ego.
All my friends say to move
on, that he’s a dick who
doesn’t deserve me. While I
nod along and laugh as my
girlfriends trash him, I feel
like a liar because I still
madly love him.
Anyway, I’m moving in
two days to the new place and
a huge part of me is screaming that I don’t want to leave.
BOSSY SAYS: I can’t decide
for you whether this man
deserves a second chance.
Only you can work that out.
The truth is people can do
crappy things and not be
crappy people. And a man or
a woman can stumble in a
relationship and it need not
be the end. But this sort of
behaviour also signals
there’s a problem in your relationship. You either decide
it’s unforgivable and unfixable and end it, or you decide
to work on the problem.
Be honest with each other.
Tell him there’s no point
staying in a relationship
simply because you are
afraid of losing each other.
The fact is you’ve also been
together four years. Many relationships taper off around
this time. The thrill that first
pulled you together has probably been replaced by a
comfortable companionship.
If he was honest he’d probably tell you he feels a bit
bored. He probably looks at
other women and wonders
what would it be like to go
there. He may well love you,
but he may also wonder
whether it’s enough.
You should talk about
whether you both feel fulfilled with what you have.
Are you having sex? If so,
how often? And do you still
make each other feel attractive and interesting?
The things he got from his
short internet affair he
should probably be getting
from you. And while it’s not
your fault he strayed, it’s
important he can tell you he
wants to feel more desirable.
I think it’s a good sign he
almost cheated but didn’t. I
think it’s an issue that he
didn’t come clean. I also
think you should probably go
ahead and move.
Even if you only move out
for six months, it gives you
both time to be certain about
what you want. You can forgive someone for a slip-up.
But don’t be fool enough to
just go back without working
on what went wrong.
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My husband says I don’t
support him as I always
see the ‘‘other side’’
DEAR BOSSY: My husband
and I are happily married
and have been for 10 years.
Just recently we have had a
few more arguments relating
to him thinking I always take
‘‘sides with others’’ rather
than him.
For example, he had an altercation with a staff member
www.ntnews.com.au
and tells me about it, then I
respond in such a way that
he believes I’m on the staff
member’s side and that I
don’t support him, blah,
blah, blah.
This happens quite regularly
to the point where I’m beginning to question if it’s something I really am doing.
Anyway, I know I’m the type
of person who can play
devil’s advocate; I also know
that I avoid any argument
like the plague and I try to be
‘‘friends’’ with everyone.
I’m trying to establish whether this is my husband being
defensive and not wanting to
hear constructive criticism,
or is this something I do do
and need to address to be able
to support my husband more.
BOSSY SAYS: It’s pretty
simple. Stop taking sides.
Stop playing devil’s advocate. Is this burying your
true feelings? Maybe. But in
a good marriage you learn to
shut up sometimes. You certainly learn you don’t always
have to be right about things
and that showing them support and trust and not needing them to see things your
way is a loving act — not
some sacrifice of will.
I don’t mean you can’t speak
your mind. Speak up. But
don’t speak up just to tell him
he’s in the wrong about some
pissy fight with a workmate.
Instead sit back and say very
little.
Not casting your view on absolutely everything and not
immediately taking an opposite position to someone
who is upset can be hard. But
it also shows admirable restraint which can be a true
act of love.
Restraining yourself also
allows your husband to find
the space to think this problem through himself and to
come to his own conclusion
about whether he was too
reactive or is doing something the wrong way.
Loved ones can always use a
reality check. But what they
can use even more is a cheer
squad — those people in their
life who back them no matter
what. Be that person.
Be a good listener. Mostly
that’s what people want.
Save your dissent for when it
actually matters.
Friday, November 9, 2012. NT NEWS.
29
PUB:
Stop playing the devil’s advocate and start backing your bloke
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