FALSE BELIEFS OF THE WOUNDED SELF
The
Domino
Effect
of Core
False
Beliefs
Aspects of the
Wounded Self
Defender
• I am a victim. I am not responsible for my own feelings and behavior. Others' or God's unlovingness
to me causes my feelings and behavior.
• God is judgmental, controlling, too busy or non-existent. God doesn't love me, just as my parents /caregivers
don't love me. I project my parents' feelings and behavior onto God and conclude that God has abandoned me.
• Therefore, I am alone in the universe and I cannot handle the pain of aloneness.
• I won't survive if someone I love/need disconnects from me.
As a child, unable to bear the helplessness and despair of this aloneness, I concluded:
• It is my fault I am not being loved because I am intrinsically flawed, defective, damaged, bad, wrong,
inadequate, unimportant, unlovable or unworthy (development of core shame).
• Without God to define me, others are responsible for defining my worth and lovability. Therefore:
• I must and can have control over getting the love I need to feel worthy and avoiding pain to feel safe.
• I must and can control people, my feelings, God, and the outcome of things to feel safe and worthy.
• I can control by hiding my flaws through looking good or doing everything right.
The wounded self develops many controlling aspects that come from the victim and core shame beliefs.
• Belief: I can explain to others how they should see things and get them to see me the way I want to be
seen. I can talk them out of seeing me as bad or wrong.
Fixer/
Lecturer
• Belief: I know what is right and it is my job to point it out to others when they are wrong. My worth is
Blamer
• Belief: I can intimidate others with anger and blame into feeling afraid or guilty enough to give me
Critic/
Judge
Complainer/
Martyr
Pleaser
Caretaker/
Rescuer
Taker
in advising and fixing people and in being right.
the love, attention, affection, sex or approval I want/need.
• Belief: By criticizing and judging myself and others, I can get myself and others to change and be the way I want.
• Belief: If I complain verbally or with silent suffering, others will feel sorry for me and give me the love,
attention or sympathy I want.
• Belief: If I compliment others, do nice things for them and smile a lot, they will give me the approval I need.
• Belief: I'm responsible for others' feelings and behavior.
• Belief: If I sacrifice myself to take care of others, they will give me the love and approval I need.
• Belief: I am selfish if I take care of myself.
• Belief: I can control getting the love, attention, sex or approval I want by invading others' boundaries
with touch, anger, invasive or needy energy, incessant talking or emotional drama.
Bully/
Predator
• Belief: If I physically control others through threats, violence or rape, I can get what I want from others
Avoider
• Belief: I can find a way to feel good if I deny my pain, my fear and the truth about myself and others.
Worrier/
Obsesser
• Belief: If I think long and hard enough, or if I perform certain rituals, I can control how others feel
Clown
• Belief: If I can be funny enough, I can control getting others to give me the approval and attention
and feel powerful and safe from being violated and controlled by others.
and act and the outcome of things. If I worry enough, I can stop bad things from happening.
I need, and I can prevent them from withdrawing, getting angry or disapproving of me.
Perfectionist/
Performer
• Belief: If I look perfect, act perfect, say the right thing, achieve and perform right, I can control how
others feel about me and treat me.
Resister
• Belief: I can stay in control and avoid being controlled by others, by God, or even by my own inner critic
Addict
• Belief: I can fill the emptiness, avoid pain or feel safe if I can fill up from outside or numb my feelings with
by numbing out, spacing out, forgetting, withholding or procrastinating.
• Belief: Resisting being controlled is essential to my integrity.