Crucial Conversations
TOOLS FOR TALKING WHEN STAKES ARE HIGH
(Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, Switzler: 2012)
25 Years of Research
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The most influential (get things done while at the same
time build on relationships) are those who master their
crucial conversations.
These are not always the presidents and CEO’s
These people are able to express controversial and risky
opinions in a way that gets heard.
Their bosses and peers listen without becoming defensive
or angry. They make people feel safe.
The research has shown that strong relationships,
careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the
same source power-the ability to talk openly about highstakes, emotional, controversial topics.
These skills can be learned.
What is a crucial conversation?
● A discussion between two or more people
where the stakes are high, opinions vary,
and emotions run strong.
● What makes a conversation crucial is it
has a huge impact on the quality of your
personal or professional life.
How do we typically handle crucial
conversations?
● We avoid them
● We face them and handle them poorly
● We face them and handle them well
THE LAW OF CRUCIAL
CONVERSATIONS
“At the heart of almost all chronic problems in
our organizations, our teams, and our relationships
lie crucial conversations we are either avoiding or
not holding well.”
TELL THE TRUTH
What if you could tell the truth with no
consequences or judgement at ALL?
● Look at “To My Boss”
● Write exercise / Tell the truth
● Save til end
TELL THE TRUTH
FOOL’S CHOICE:
Brownie Video
● Option 1: speak up and turn your boss into your enemy
● Option 2: suffer in silence and make bad decisions for your
organization
● Biggest mistake people make
● Influential people do not make this mistake
POOL OF SHARED MEANING
Dialogue:
“The free flow of meaning between two or more people.”
● People who are skilled at dialogue
make it safe for everyone to add
meaning to the pool
● Make better/more informed choices
● People are more willing to act on
decisions made when they are involved
in the decision making process
● People whose opinions never make it to
the pool, passively resist and quietly
criticize
How do you encourage the free flow of meaning
“ dialogue”with differing opinions and strong
emotions?
“START WITH YOUR HEART” (Start with yourself)
○ Recognize your dialogue
deficiencies
○ You can only control yourself
○ Don’t blame others
○ People skilled at dialogue realize
they are part of the problem and fix
it
What do you do when a conversation turns crucial?
● Stay focussed no matter what happens
● Don’t retaliate
● Stop and refocus your brain by asking these questions (helps diffuse the
brain and change emotions)
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want for the relationship?
How would I act and behave if I really want to achieve these
results?
SAFETY AT RISK:
(watch for these conditions)
1.the moment conversations turns crucial
2.signs people don’t feel safe (silence or violence)
3.your own style under stress
As soon as you recognize a conversation turning
unhealthy, respond quickly.
When people feel unsafe they turn
to silence or violence.
Silence
Violence
STYLE UNDER STRESS TEST
www.crucialconversations.com
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Click on resources
Click on Tools & Assessments
Take “Your Style Under Stress Assessment”
Partners will learn the 3 types of silence or
violence and present to the class anyway they
choose (poster, role play, poem, ect.)
● Get in groups of 5
MAKE IT SAFE
(Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect)
Mutual Purpose (first condition of safety)- Others perceive that
you’re working toward a common outcome in the conversation.
You share the same goal.
➢ Watch for signs of safety problems: (debate,
defensiveness, and people forcing opinions into the pool)
Mutual Respect (continuance condition of safety)- To stay in
dialogue you must maintain mutual respect.
➢ Watch for signs of safety problems: (defending
themselves, very emotional)
Find A Mutual Purpose
Tough Example: Read Pg. 78
Your boss frequently fails to keep commitments.
How can you tell him you don’t trust him without him becoming defensive or vengeful?
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Find mutual purpose by seeing the other person’s point of view to draw them into a
sensitive conversations.
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If your boss behavior causes you to miss deadlines he cares about, costs he frets about,
ect.
Mutual Respect
(How do you respect people you don’t respect?)
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Don’t dwell on how you are different or what they do
Counteract those feelings by looking for ways you are similar.
Don’t excuse their behavior but try to sympathize and empathize with them
When we recognize we all have weaknesses it’s easier to find a way to respect others
Ex. Managers and union heads sent in separate rooms to write goals for company. They
were stunned they had written the same goals but had such opposing opinions.
STEP OUT
Mutual Respect or Purpose are at risk
Don’t ignore: Take action
● Stop/Refocus (start with the heart questions)
● apologize ( but only if you did something
wrong)
● contrast (don’t/do statement)
● create a mutual purpose
Contrast
(Don’t/Do Statement)
● DON’T- addresses other people’s concerns that you don’t respect them or
that you have a malicious purpose
● DO- confirms your respect and clarifies your real purpose
Ex.
DON’T- “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value the work you put in or
that I didn’t want to share it with the VP.”
DO- “I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.”
Contrast Role Play/ Cards Activity
Create Mutual Purpose (CRIB)
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Commit
Recognize
Invent
Brainstorm
❖ Read the section “Create a Mutual Purpose”
❖ Watch Videos to see if you can identify CRIB in these videos.
Video 1 / Video 2
References
Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., & Switzler, A.
(2012). Crucial conversations tools for talking when
stakes are high. (pp. 9-102) New York, New York:
McGraw Hill.