Safe contact
training outline – 2012
Day 1
Time
9.30 – 10.15
Subject
Introductions and summary of
training
10.15- 11.00 An introduction to the context
11.00 -11.15 break
11.15- 12.00 The impact on children of high
conflict separation
Experiential exercise
12.00-12.45 Safe contact and the decisions
men, women and children face
-small group exercise
12.45 -13.30 lunch
13.30-14.00 Risk assessment introduced
presentation
14.00-15.00
Working with mum
Don’ts – a brief discussion
Presentation of interview
schedule
Practice in groups
15.00 -15.15 break
15.15– 1630 working with mum and child
together
don’ts – a brief discussion
Present interview schedule
and discuss what you want to
achieve in this session
Practice in groups
Resources
See power point slides 1-3
See power point slides 4-15
See Systems to support Child Contact in
Scotland page 4-5 of manual
See page 6-9 of manual
See power point slides 16-21
See page 19-11 of manual
See power point slides 22-25
See Risk assessment and risk levels page 12-15 of manual
See overview of work with family page
16 of manual
See power point slides 26-29
See things to avoid when working with
mum page 17 of manual
See Interview with mum – page 18-19 of
manual
See Behaviour inventory – page 20 of
manual
See my children’s exposure to DV page
21 of manual
See tips for mothers page 22-25 of
manual
See practice case page 26-29 of manual
See power point slides 30-31
See things to avoid page 30 of manual
interview with mum and child page 31
of manual
purpose of joint interview page 32
See practice case page 26-29 of manual
1
Day 2
9.30-11.00
Working with child
islands & icebergs
Presentation
Practice in groups
11.00-11.15
11.15-12.30
break
Working with dad –
Don’ts – briefly discuss
Presentation of interview
schedule
Practice in groups
12.30-13.15
13.15-15.15
lunch
Making your assessment
Do’s and don’ts – discussion
make your assessment and
feed back to practice family.
15.15-15.30
15.30-16.15
break
close
See power point slides 32-35
See interview with child page 33-34 of
manual
See practice case page 26-29 of manual
See power point slides 36-47
See things to avoid page 35 of manual
See Interview with dad – page 36-37 of
manual
See tips for fathers page 38-41
See practice case page 26-29 of manual
See power point slides
See levels of contact page 42 of manual
See sample voluntary agreement page
43 of manual
See practice case page 26-29 of manual
2
3
Systems to support Child Contact in
Scotland
OBJECTIVE
To examine the Service Generated Risks within the System in regards to Child Contact
ACTIVITY
Present the presentation about the System and Service Generated Risks (10 mins)
Ask participants to go into groups of four.
Ask them to assess the risks of the clients in their case study particularly focussing on
Service Generated Risks.
Hand out contact scenarios to group
Ask them to write on flip chart paper the Service Generated Risks they have considered
Give them 10 minutes for this task
Ask the groups to walk round the room to look at the Service Generated Risks
Give them 5 minutes for this task
Organise an open group discussion about contact and Service Generated Risks
The aim of this session is to give participants the opportunity to think about the risks
there are in organising (or not organising) contact with children and perpetrators of
domestic abuse. Many of these contact scenarios happen not due to any real thinking
about the ongoing risks or concerns. Also, to introduce the idea of a longer assessment
process with the help of the assessment tools. Service Generated Risks can be reduced
when they are considered.
What you need:
The flipchart sheets
Laminated cards with scenarios
Coloured pens
TIPS
This session is to get the group thinking about Service Generated Risks. Some group members
may never have heard about Service Generated Risks and believe the system for children
affected by domestic abuse is very simple – particularly if they believe that social workers are
involved or their normal response is to “go to a solicitor”. Walk around the room and ask
questions and ensure they are doing the task.
For the second part of the session tell the participants: the point of the exercise is to get them to
think how children and their non-abusing parent can be at risk when services give poor advice to
families and ignores ongoing contact that continues to be detrimental to children
Questions to ask for the second part of the session to facilitate a discussion:
 What were the common themes?
 What is the most common contact scenario?
 What issues concerned you the most?
You don’t need to have answers to these questions as they are for the benefit of the participants,
to help them thinking about the Service Generated Risks
4
No contact based on fear, anger, new/unplanned seperation – maybe facilitated through bail
conditions, fear that social work will get involved, anger or fear at partner/ex-partner.
No contact – planned and supported
Managed indirect contact – by letter, email, birthday cards etc (managed by family, friend or
agency like Dad's Space)
Indirect contact – by letter, email, birthday cards etc (non-abusive parent manges)
Safe supervised contact – professional who understands domestic abuse and child
development monitors contact in a supervised manner
Supervised contact – professional, voluntary sector, friend or family present during
supervision at a distance
Supervised hand over - family or friend (sometimes an agency) organise hand/change over
of children.
Unsupervised defined contact – agreed times for parents to see children either informally or
via court process
Unsupervised undefined contact – seperated parents see children flexibly, no parametres
except co-operation and good manners
5
The impact on children of high conflict
separation
Experiential exercise
These are the roles:
Ask one member of the group to volunteer to play each of three siblings and to sit on the floor
in the middle of the group:
1.
A 5 year old boy
2.
An 8 year old boy
3.
An 11 year old girl
One trainer will play dad, another will play mum. They will deliver short role plays with the
‘children’.
1/3 of the remaining group will be advising the 5 year old younger boy. Tell them:
You must only consider options that best protect you and bring you the best response
from the parent you are with at any given moment.
1/3 of the remaining group will be advising the 8 year old boy. Tell them:
You must in all ways believe your dad and take your dad’s side.
1/3 of the remaining group will be advising the 11 year old older girl. Tell them:
You must try to protect both parents in all situations and be loyal to both.
Mum and Dad will role play as follows with the children. After the brief role plays the workers
should pause the action and allow the children and their advisors to come up with responses.
Role play 1
Dad is about to say goodbye after a weekend with the children. He complains that Mum is late
and that this is ridiculous since it’s her who says that he can’t keep the kids longer. He tells the
kids that she threw him out because he lost his job. He paints himself as the victim and her as
money-orientated and heartless. He tries to elicit their support.
Ask the groups “What are the possible responses for the children?” Then ask for
feedback from each child in turn about how they might respond
The groups have only minutes to discuss – the pressure needs to be high as children in this
situation are unlikely to have time to think.
6
Role play 2
At the handover an argument is clearly starting because Dad says that Mum is late despite
wanting to limit his time. She asks him for some money and he refuses to give it. PAUSE, then
each child discusses with their consultants how they might respond.
Ask each of the children in turn - What do you feel? As the argument heats what are you
going to do?
Role play 3
Mum asks about how it was at Dad’s and what you did and who was there. You spent both days
with him and his girlfriend. Mum is very upset about his new girlfriend – she begins to put him
down and then cries.
What will you feel and do?
Role play 4
Mum has a big row with the little boy and tells him ‘You’re just like your father.’
What do you feel? What might you do?
in turn - What do you feel? What might you do?
Discussion

What are the short-term gains and potential longer term problems that can arise from
these different strategies?

What was this exercise like?
DEROLE
In Every Child Matters 2003 it was noted that around 150,000 couples divorce in the UK per
year. Two thirds of them have children under 16. This does not even include figures for
unmarried family separations. At least 1 in 3 children under 16 in the UK will experience parental
separation.
A study of 2500 children of separated parents in the United States (Hetherington 2002) found
that between 75% and 80% of them were functioning well within two years of separation. This
means that 20-25% will experience serious social or emotional problems amounting to significant
harm compared to less than 10% of young people from intact families.
A Joseph Rowntree Foundation study (2004) found unsurprisingly that family conflict both before
and after separation is a big determinant of whether your child will be one of the 75% who fare
okay or the 25% who don’t.
Elizabeth Marquardt (2005) interviewed 1500 adults in the USA and found that

half of those from separated parents compared to 1/3 of others say they felt the need to
protect their mothers emotionally

nearly 1/3 compared to 1/6 of others felt need to protect Dad

nearly 1/3 of those from separated parents compared to less than 1/6 of others felt need
the protect siblings
7
Roles
In our families, we can adopt or be given ‘roles’ we willingly or unconsciously play while
interacting with others in the family. Examples of family roles are: the mediator of disputes, the
‘baby’ of the family, the prized child who can do no wrong, the responsible one on whom
everyone relies, or the ‘black sheep’ who does not fit in and is expected to disappoint the others.
A role may be imposed on the child or it may be assumed by the child, and children can play more
than one role.
Roles that develop or are assigned in families characterized by woman abuse reflect the unique
ways each person adapts and copes with the secret, confusing, and dangerous situation in which
they live. Each child in the same family may play a different ‘role’ during violent incidents. They
may referee, try to rescue their mother, try to deflect the abuse onto themselves, try to distract
the abuser, shepherd younger siblings away from the danger, or seek outside help. Between
violent incidents, children may also play roles such as:
Caretaker Acts as a parent to younger siblings and mother. May oversee routines and
household responsibilities (eg meals, putting young siblings to bed), help to keep siblings safe
during a violent incident and comfort them afterwards (eg reassuring siblings, getting tea for
mother).
Mother’s confidante The child who is privy to mother’s feelings, concerns, and plans. After
witnessing abusive incidents, his or her recollections may serve as a ‘reality check’ for mother, if
abuser later minimises or lies about events.
Abuser’s confidante The child who is treated better by the abuser and most likely to be told
his justifications for abuse against mother. May be asked to report back on mother’s behaviour
and be rewarded for doing so with, for example, privileges or absence of harsh treatment.
Abuser’s assistant The child who is co-opted or forced to assist in abuse of mother (eg
encouraged to say demeaning things or to physically hit mother).
Perfect child The child who tries to prevent violence by actively addressing issues (wrongly)
perceived as triggers, in this case by excelling in school and never arguing, rebelling, misbehaving,
or seeking help with problems.
Referee/diplomat The child who mediates and tries to keep the peace.
Scapegoat The child identified as the main problem in the family, sometimes blamed for tension
between parents or whose behaviour is used to justify violence. May have special needs or be a
step-child to abuser.
Other roles might include the joker, the invisible child, the sick child etc – mostly all roles either
deflect from the conflict or protect the child – often achieving one at the cost of the other.
You might want to discuss with Mum and Dad the roles that their children have taken in relation
to the conflict in the family. How can they helped to develop some role flexibility? (the joker to
sometimes be taken seriously, the caretaker be a little child at times etc). This might involve
indulging or praising the moments the child goes ‘out of role’ (eg Cuddling and babying the
caretaking child whenever there’s a chance, laying it on thick if the troublemaker ever acts as
peacekeeper). It might involve explicitly saying that you welcome this child’s seriousness, or
know that the child needs to be baby too at times. It might involve taking on some of the role for
the child – owning your own anger (not being abusive) might take the responsibility from the
8
‘angry child’ for carrying that role for the whole family, and taking care or setting boundaries for
younger children inevitably frees up the parentified child from a part of their role.
9
Safe contact and the decisions men, women
and children face
State that we are going to discuss the various reasons why men, women and children
may make decisions about child contact. This is because it is often not as simple as
asking family members ‘do you want contact to go ahead or not?’. There are complex
and difficult reasoning behind men, women and children’s decisions about contact. As
practitioners who are assisting families it is important for us to try to ‘get behind’
preliminary statements about contact and find out what peoples’ motivations, priorities,
fears and feelings are.
Split the participants into three groups. Give each group two flipchart sheets. State that
the groups represent children, mothers and fathers. From the perspective of the family
members they represent ask the group on each sheet:
- to write down the all the reasons why they want contact to go ahead.
- to write down all the reasons why they may not want contact to go ahead
Give the group 20 minutes.
Some of the groups answers may include
Want to go ahead with contact because:
Men

love for children

to have a positive relationship with their children

to keep a connection with the mother

to undermine her parenting by allowing them much more or less leeway than when
they are at home

to use the meeting where he picks up the children to ask for a reconciliation or to
behave abusively

to monitor the mother’s life through contact with the children

to use the children to further abuse the mother – passing messages, making
abusive comments etc
Women


she is scared of the repercussions from the man if she stops contact
to see him and possibly continue the relationship
10


Belief that children should have contact with their father
she relies on him for childcare
Children











love for father
connection with memories or belongings, ties with other relatives, material benefits
that the child does not want to lose
the child’s sense of duty and responsibility
sympathy or empathy or worry how the father will cope without his family
a desire for reconciliation and for things to return to ‘normal’
worry that the mother is not coping
the child’s belief that she/he can change the father
feelings that the domestic abuse was justified or the father had ‘good reasons’
(ideas the father may have encouraged)
belief the child was in some way responsible for the domestic abuse and must now
try to put things right (ideas the father may have encouraged)
belief that the contact is inevitable in spite of the child not really wanting it
the child’s belief that the father will do more harm if the child does not agree to see
him (the father may have encouraged this belief)
Do not want to go ahead with contact because:
Men

they do not think they are in a position to be a good father

seeing the children in this context is so painful they do not feel able to continue
with it

they do not expect the courts or other decision making professionals to support
their role in their children’s lives; they give up because they believe it is all stacked
against men.

if they cannot be a compete part of the family they would rather not see the
children

They may have started a new family and think they’ve moved on

they want to undermine the mother’s contact arrangements
Women





she is concerned for the children’s safety.
she is concerned for her own safety.
she feels the man is not a good parent
her anger and resentment.
social services have said she has to ‘protect her children’ and she should not have
contact with the man and she is unsure how to arrange contact without this
11

social services have said she has to ‘protect her children’ and she should not allow
the man to see the children
12
Children

they are so upset when leaving him again they prefer to cut him off altogether

they are frightened of their father

they think they will make things worse for their mother

they feel they would ‘betray’ their mother by seeing their father

they feel caught in the middle
Ask each group to feedback and highlight the complexities for each family member.
State that these issues impact on how professionals will intervene with the family. Ask
the group to swap their flipchart sheets with the other groups. Ask them to discuss how
their work with all family members could ‘test’ the initial yes/no responses of family
members so that the underlying motivations can be revealed. Give the groups 20
minutes then lead a discussion about how professionals can facilitate the families they
work with to understand and reveal the underlying issues which are facing them.
The main point to make here is that it is important to try and establish what is going on for
all the parties involved. All workers need to be aware of these complexities and share
their assessment with other workers.
13
Risk assessment
14
Notes on risk assessment section
•
There is a strong assumption that contact must always be beneficial for the children,
or that it is the parent’s right to have contact no matter what they have done (whereas court inspections show that the “presumption of contact” leads to unsafe
decisions and a tendency to disregard risk issues)
•
There is a tendency to overlook the impact on the children of violence to the mother
“he was never violent to the kids” (whereas guidance to the courts clearly indicates
that “domestic violence is a significant failure in parenting”) An influential report
advised in that cases where domestic violence has been established the presumption
should be against contact unless the perpetrator has demonstrated that he is aware
that the behaviour is unacceptable, and is willing to take some responsibility and
attempt to make amends.
•
Professionals find it hard to ask in detail about abusive behaviour – you can ask here
what factors contribute to this, answers might be because we are afraid of being
intrusive, of touching on painful and traumatic memories or are unsure what action to
take if we heart a serious allegation
•
And parents find it hard to tell us about it – for similar reasons, and also because it is
shameful, and they are often afraid of the consequences for them if they talk openly. If
we don’t ask in detail the case can become focused on one or a few incidents, rather
than assessing the overall pattern of abuse in the relationship and post separation.
•
We tend to over-rate our impression of the client, and underrate their past history
(but past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour)
•
We get confused when there are competing allegations (serious allegations always
need to be investigated in detail) – especially as victims find it hard to evidence what
has gone on behind closed doorst
So we need to ask in detail about the severity, frequency, persistence and escalation of
violence.
We have provided a framework for you to use (see the Levels of Risk form) and an
inventory for the parents to fill out independently of each other.
- regarding the reference to coercive control on the powerpoint slide
Coercive control is a way of describing what happens when a range of violent and
abusive behaviours lead to the victim monitoring and restricting her own behaviour out
of fear of the abuser. This is often missed when we focus our investigations on specific
incidents or acts of violence. However cases where the perpetrators have acted in this
way associated with the highest risk of repeat and severe abuse.
15
Domestic violence risk levels in cases of
disputed contact
How frequent has the violence and
abuse been in the relationship?
Isolated
incident
occasional
What level of abuse has been alleged by the victim?
Physical abuse
minor
moderate
acts such as grabbing, pushing or
slapping that are unlikely to leave a
significant mark, result in injury or
require professional medical attention
Emotional abuse
minor
rejection, criticism, insults, namecalling, ‘put-downs’ etc that are
unlikely to have a lasting negative
impact on the victim’s self-esteem
acts such as punching, kicking or
head-butting that are likely to
result in temporary injury and
need some form of professional
medical attention
persistent feature
of the relationship
severe
acts of extreme violence
such as strangulation,
forceful blows to the head or
striking with an object, that
are likely to result in serious
or permanent injury, or
death
moderate
severe
rejection, criticism, insults,
name-calling, ‘put-downs’,
humiliation etc that are serious
or frequent enough to
undermine the victim’s selfesteem
rejection, criticism, insults,
name-calling, ‘put-downs’,
humiliation etc that are likely to
have a devastating impact on the
victim’s self-esteem, functioning
and ability to parent.
yes
no
don’t
know
Does the victim cite other forms of abuse (e.g. threats, isolation, sexual abuse)
which give rise to significant concerns?
Are there other risk factors present for the alleged perpetrator?E.g substance
use problems, mental health problems, criminal history, general aggression
Are there factors which make alleged victim particularly vulnerable? e.g is very
young, isolated from supportive others, language or immigration issues, has
substance misuse problems, has mental health problems or learning difficulties,
subjected to severe abuse as a child, has been a victim of DV in more than one
relationship, faces risk from more than one family member.
Do you or the victim believe there is an imminent risk of harm?
Potential harm to children
Violence, abuse or high conflict has beena persistent feature of the relationship
(children will have been aware of this)
Presence of children has not inhibited perpetrator in the past
Was there violence during pregnancy ?
Have one of the parents has hurt or harshly punished the child/ren?
Issues around contact
Persistent unreliability or inflexibility
Using contact application as a means of ongoing control or harassment
Non-resident parent lacks the skills to care for the children independently
Non-resident parent undermines the role of the other parent
Children are used in disputes between the parents
There are fears the perpetrator may abduct the children
16
Accepting that you have an incomplete picture of events, if the most serious concerns or
allegations were substantiated, which category would you place this family in?
Action
Low
Physical abuse at minor level and not Named person can advise, family
persistent
mediation may be appropriate
Emotional abuse has been at a minor
level Victim is not in fear of the other
parent, Other concerns do not give
rise to significant concerns about
safety
Medium Physical abuse has been at a minor
Named Person or Lead
level and not persistent, or isolated
Professional has discretion as to
incident of moderate level violence
whether to suggest a level of
Emotional abuse has not been severe contact and to work with the
or persistent
family to arrange that safely, or to
Other concerns do not give rise to
refer for an assessment and
significant concerns about safety.
support for the child and the
Nevertheless risky behaviour / harm
family. An expert assessment
has taken place and without
should be considered if there is
intervention are likely to recur
high levels of animosity.
High
Physical abuse has been at a severe
The Lead Profession needs to
level
elevate the case into the child
Or, Physical abuse has been at a
protection arena by calling a case
moderate level but persistent
conference or referring to a
Or, emotional abuse has been severe
children’s hearing (the latter can
And /or other issues give rise to
be slower).
significant concerns for the victim and
children’s safety.
An expert assessment should be
considered if the case is complex
and there is conflict in the family
or amongst professionals about
the best support and outcomes for
the child in regards to safe contact
with parent(s).
If risk is imminent and measures
have not been taken to protect the
victim and children, then contact
police/social care/MARAC
immediately.
17
Overview of the work with the family
Session
Approximate time needed
interview with mum
1- 2 hours
interview with mum and child together and then with
child alone
1-2 hours
interview with dad
1-2 hours
Feeding back to mum
1 hour
Feeding back to dad
1 hour
Optional – if the strategy is agreed you may want to
go back to the child along with mum to explain your
proposal
1 hour
18
Things to avoid when working with mum.
It helps to have a discussion of the things to avoid before you get
started.
Examples of DON’Ts might be:

Blame her for her ex’s abuse – even a bit!

Get into conflict with her

Expect her to do what you might do if you were her

Enact rescuing dynamics with her – ie take over and do things for her – unless she is
really unable to do them for herself

Mix up her experiences of domestic violence with your own

Act with disbelief

Act as if you know her children better than her

Act as if you know her risk levels better than her

Ask why she didn’t do x or y earlier?

Generally use ‘Why’ rather than more investigative attempts to understand

Be impatient or annoyed if she herself is angry with dad

Collude with or minimise the abuse

Offer unrealistic hope
19
Interview with mum
My role is to advise you as to a contact arrangement based on everyone’s needs and interests
– particularly those of the child/ren. To do that, I’ll be meeting all of you. It’s inevitable that
any solution that considers all your wishes, will end up being a compromise for all of you.
How do you feel about that?
If the advice I offer is not at all acceptable to you, then you, then you can take your case to a
family hearing. But there are advantages to all of you of settling this sooner and with
minimal investigation and disruption. That’s what this system is all about.
First of all I’ll be asking you a lot of very direct questions – is that okay? If I ask things that
you don’t want to answer or if you get annoyed with me in any way you are welcome to tell
me and I can back off. Would that be possible?
Worst fears
 To begin with in I want you to tell me what your concerns and worst fears might be about
dad’s contact with xx?
 What do you think he could do to reassure you about your worries? What else might
help?


What do you imagine are XX’s worst fears at the moment?
How might XX be reassured?


What do you think dad’s worst fears are at this stage?
Try and take yourself out of the equation for a minute, and try and imagine a dad with
these worries - fears that are real for him - what are the worst things a mum in your
position could say and do to make him more fearful? How might you reassure him?
I will be seeking a solution that avoids all the worst fears scenarios.
The relationship
Let me ask a little now about your relationship history if that’s okay?
When did you first meet?
First like about each other?
What were the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship?
What did you argue about most? How were your arguments at best and worst?
How did it get physical when arguing?
What do you feel are the worst things he’s done to you? And to XX? And post separation? (get
clear pictures)
How has this affected you?
20
The children
What do you think the children are aware of?
What have you noticed about how the children are affected by the violence and abuse
between the adults?
Do you talk with your child about the conflict in the family? What do you say?
Other risk issues
Check out remaining concerns around mental health, substances, where this person lives
and with whom.
Possible solutions
Who might supervise contact or contact handovers who all parties (including XX) trust
enough? Would you settle for Y Z?
21
Behaviour Inventory
Take a few moments to think back over your relationship with your (ex)partner and put a tick
to estimate how on how many occasions times your partner (or other people in the
family) behaved like this. Cross things out or change the wording if you need to.
0 = never
1 = occasionally
2 = often
3 very frequently
0 1
2
3
Emotional and/or psychological abuse (e.g. insulting you, calling
you hurtful names, putting you down)
Being very possessive, jealous and controlling about who you see
(e.g. trying to stop you having contact with friends or family, checking
on you when you went out, accusing you unfairly of having sex with
other men, making threats about what he would do if if you left him)
Threatening behaviour (e.g. frightening you with their temper,
punching or kicking things in the house, swearing and shouting in
your face, threatening to harm you, threatening to harm your
child/ren or your family/friends/pets)
Control -Have you felt controlled or have you limited what you do out
of fear of your partner’s reactions?
Sexual abuse - has your partner ever made you to do something
sexual that you did not want to?
Physical Violence - e.g. slapping you, pushing, shoving, grabbing,
holding you down.
Physical violence - punching, kicking, grabbing you by the throat,
using an object or a weapon to hurt you
If there has been violence, has it been getting more frequent or more
severe?
Yes / No
Abuse after you separated – e.g. harassing you, threatening you,
making unwanted contact by text or phone, showing up at your house
or where you work
How your child/ren might have been affected:
The child/ren were present during some of the shouting, aggression or
violence
Our child/ren has been physically hurt as a result of the aggression
At times the child/ren must have been aware of the aggression– e.g
hearing shouting, screaming, or violence etc from another room,
seeing me crying or injured, seeing broken furniture, , one of us going
to hospital, the police coming to the home.
There was violence during pregnancy
My partner hurt or harshly punished the child/ren
My partner puts me down to the children or uses them in disputes
between us
I’m afraid my partner might abduct the children
22
My child/ren’s exposure to domestic abuse
Instructions. Take a few moments to think back over your relationship with your (ex)partner and mark
each statement to show how any of your children might have been affected because of the conflict and
aggression that happened between the two of you. Change the wording if you need to.
The child could have been at risk before he/she was born because of
violence during the pregnancy
yes
maybe
no
The child was grabbed by one of us from the other parent, or was caught
up in a ‘tug of war’ over the child
yes
maybe
no
The child could have been accidentally injured because of objects being
thrown, possessions being damaged, or violent behaviour
yes
maybe
no
The child was present during some of the aggression or violence between
us
yes
maybe
no
The child sometimes got hit or pushed away during one or more of our
fights
yes
maybe
no
At times the child was in my or my partner’s arms when we were fighting
yes
maybe
no
The child was present during some of our shouting and screaming
yes
maybe
no
At times the child would have overheard shouting, screaming, banging etc
from their bedroom or another room
yes
maybe
no
The child was neglected during our fights (eg, ignored, told to go away, left
to cry, or pushed away)
yes
maybe
no
At times the child intervened and screamed at us to stop fighting
yes
maybe
no
At times the child contacted the police or someone else to get help
yes
maybe
no
The child would have seen some of the aftermath of the aggressive
outbursts (eg, holes in the door, smashed furniture)
yes
maybe
no
The child would have seen some of the injuries that I or my (ex)partner
suffered (eg, bruises, black eye)
yes
maybe
no
The child would have seen or heard the emotional impact of our fights (eg,
seeing one of us crying)
yes
maybe
no
The child would have been affected because of the other consequences of
our fights (eg, one of us going to hospital, the police coming to the home)
yes
maybe
no
23
Tips for mothers
Handout
If you are a mother who has left an abusive relationship it can be very difficult knowing how best
to deal with the children and your ex-partner. The following guidelines may need to be adapted
as every situation is different.

Be very clear that exposing children to ongoing violence and abuse of their mothers is
also emotional abuse of them. Even if you were struggling to prioritise your own safety
you don’t have the right to impose this on your children. Don’t make light of your expartner abusing you in any way (swearing at you, shouting, putting you down, any form of
threats or intimidation).

Minimise situations where children see you and your ex-partner together. With high
conflict or continuing threats no contact at all between parents is the best thing for
children.

Don’t think you have to be friends with your ex-partner. ‘Co-operative colleagues’ is the
ideal, not ‘perfect pals’, ie aim for a working relationship rather than friendship. Abusive
men are often possessive and may try to remain emotionally involved with their expartner (or have power over them), which means that signs of friendship may be
misinterpreted or used against you.

Be very clear about boundaries. Don’t let him invade your space or your time. Not only
can this be dangerous or upsetting for you but it confuses children and creates
opportunities for more trauma and stress. Even casual or trivial displays of affection
between ex-partners can be confusing for children, delaying them coming to terms with
the separation.

‘Not in front of the children’ applies even more to arguments. Be insistent that you don’t
argue or have serious discussions when the children are around. This is not the time to
discuss arrangements or issues (do this by phone or e-mail). Once there has been
violence in a family, raised voices can have a different meaning for children for years to
come. You can’t win in this situation as many children are hypersensitive to tone of voice,
body language and facial expressions and any negativity between you will be stressful to
them.

If the other parent is being irresponsible you have to be more responsible with regard to
the kids. Don’t sink to his level!

Though you may be forced to take more responsibility because he is taking less don’t
take on all his responsibility or think that you can make him be a good father. Encouraging
contact is good (ONLY if safe, of course) but taking over all the responsibility often
means setting your kids up for disappointment in the future.
24
Permitting contact

Beware of unrealistic commitments. He may want (or demand) extremely regular contact
at first. Some irresponsible fathers disappear for a time then want intensive contact as if
to make up for their absence. He may mean well or he may simply be trying to maintain
his involvement with you, but either way if he is not going to continue this indefinitely it
can lead to further disappointments for your children. If he starts off phoning daily, for
example, (which may be checking up on you) they will be disappointed when this
inevitably becomes less frequent. Regularity is usually more important than frequency. It is
far better that children see their father predictably once a month than fortnightly but with
lots of cancellations. If every day is a potential contact day then every day can be a
disappointment or rejection to them. Their anger at this is quite likely to be directed at
you.

Avoid criticism of the other parent as far as possible. Not only is this upsetting and
stressful for children but criticism can backfire as children often defend, openly or
mentally, a parent who is attacked. If the children tell you that your ex-partner is
criticising you, don’t believe you can even the score by criticising him. If he is lying then
tell the children the truth (but never all the gory or adult details). If it is a matter of
opinion then just state that this is just their father’s opinion and you don’t agree. It may
be helpful to find someone neutral, such as a counsellor, for the children to talk to about
this. Don’t expect the children to be able to stand up to their father - even if they know
he is lying or they say they hate him criticising you, they probably won’t be able to say
anything to him.

Avoid talking to other people about your ex-partner when the kids are around as even if
you can resist being critical your friends and family will often say things that are hurtful to
the children.

Avoiding criticism does not mean you should lie to the children to minimise their father’s
faults or to protect their feelings. Making excuses for abusive or seriously irresponsible
behaviour means that they may grow up thinking that abuse is acceptable or normal,
greatly increasing the chances that they will repeat such behaviour in the future. Saying
things like ‘You know your father loves you’ if he hasn’t made contact for six months is
confusing as well as being untrue (if he does love them they don’t know it). Saying, ‘He
only acts like that because he’s an alcoholic’ may contain some truth but is also suggesting
that he does not have responsibility for his abusive behaviour. Don’t excuse abuse! It is
important to state that abuse is wrong but try to condemn the behaviour not the person.

Understand that your children are likely to be very confused about their feelings for their
father. It is possible to feel lots of different emotions at the same time and children’s
feelings can also change quite quickly over time. Pre-teen children are usually concrete
thinkers who prefer to see the world as black and white – good guys and bad guys –
rather than in shades of grey. Thus loving a father who has been violent can be
bewildering for them.

Children often struggle very hard to be loyal to an irresponsible or rejecting parent.
Loyalty conflicts can be intense (usually worst around ages 12 to 14) with children
sometimes not only turning against your new partner but against brothers and sisters and
even against their mother (often temporarily) as they try to resolve their loyalty conflicts.
25
Some children say they feel as if they are pawns in their parents’ games or that they are
being torn in two. It can be an extremely hard balancing act trying to protect your
children without taking part in a tug-of-war.

Children struggling to be loyal to their father are actually more likely to reject a stepfather than are children who have a happy, stable relationship with their own father.
Never, ever, suggest that a step-father is a substitute for their natural father and don’t
bother to point out that he is better as this is just as likely to strengthen their loyalty to
their father.

Don’t think that you have to get a partner for the sake of your children. This is not
necessary, not likely to help them, and is a very bad reason to re-partner.

Loyalty conflicts may make it very hard for them to open up to you about their father or
about their feelings. Don’t push them to tell you everything. Don’t interrogate them
about what happens with their father or they will learn to lie or clam up. They also may
find it hard to talk to you about the situation because they are protective of you and
don’t want to see you upset.

Don’t add extra stress to your children’s lives if it can be avoided, especially in the year
or two after a separation. Avoid unnecessary moves, changes of school, on-again/off-again
relationships (with their father or others).

Looking after yourself is very important for your children’s wellbeing. Getting your own
life back on track may be the best way to help children. Children often don’t have any
respect for a parent who lives to serve them. It is definitely possible to be too childfocused. Get a life!

Try not to feel guilty about what the children have gone through in the past – you didn’t
plan it and you’ve done your best to stop it. Many women say they feel guilty about
having exposed the children to abuse (by choosing the wrong partner) and also feel guilty
for leaving him. Clearly this illogical so why not stop feeling guilty for both?

You can’t make it up to your children by being soft – they need clear boundaries and firm
consequences. If you are too soft they often won’t respect you. You need to deal with
their behaviour regardless of where it is coming from. If there were too many rules or
harsh punishments when you were with their father it may be tempting to now have too
few rules and no consequences. Don’t fall into this trap! Punishment does not need to be
physical punishment. Children who have been abused or who have witnessed abuse don’t
need more violence so find alternatives to hitting them.

Don’t accept abuse from anyone – including your kids. If you do it is likely to get worse
as the abuser loses more respect for you over time. If your children have seen you
abused by more than one person (including another child) it will be harder to regain their
respect. Avoid, if at all possible, exposing them to you being put down or abused in any
way by anyone. It is important that all abuse is taken seriously. If they see an older
brother or sister abusing you and there are no consequences they are more likely to
copy this behaviour. It can thus be important to have consequences even if these appear
(in the short term) to have no effect whatsoever on the abusive child.
26

Beware of saying that a child is like his father. You may hope to change his behaviour or
attitudes because he doesn’t want to be like his father but not only may he have mixed
feelings about being like his father but such a belief can be self-fulfilling prophecy and he
may believe he is doomed to repeat his father’s behaviours.

If your ex-partner is not likely to stay around for the long haul consider if his family can
play an ongoing role in your children’s lives. Sometimes regular (which doesn’t have to
mean frequent) access with grandparents can be a safe way of keeping some contact with
their father without giving him so many opportunities to disappoint them and without
giving him power over you. Even if he has no contact with his family, maintaining these
links helps some children.
Dealing with all this is like walking through an emotional minefield! Don’t feel that you are a
failure if you need to ask for help for yourself or for your children. A few children may need a lot
of help but some benefit from just a few counselling sessions with an independent adult. Beware
of counsellors with preconceived ideas: especially if they blame the victim or seem to believe that
you or your kids are inevitably damaged for life!
27
The practice case
There will be small groups of around 4 people and between them they will choose a mum,
dad and child. Once chosen each of these will receive a ‘role’. Those not ‘in role’ as the
family member involved in any given exercise, will take turns to be lead worker in practicing
a range of worker roles as follows:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Interview mum
Interview mum and child together
Interview child
Islands exercise with child
Icebergs exercise with child
Interview dad
Feedback to dad
feedback to mum
They are welcome at any time to consult openly with the others who aren’t in role.
Remember this is not a real family, you can pause them at any moment to either request or
offer advice from other workers. You can use the interview notes to help you and/or deviate
from them when you feel you can achieve your task without them. Ensure that everyone in
the group plays at least one worker role.
By the end of day 2 the whole group will work together to make their assessment of the risk
level of the family. They will then decide on the level of contact to recommend and feed this
back to the ‘parents’.
28
Practice case study
John and Mary were in a relationship for 8 years. They have one child, Robyn (a girl), who is
6 years old. Mary reports that John was violent to her once right at the start of the
relationship, when she was laughing with a friend of his in a bar – he got really jealous, took
her outside and pushed her against a wall.
She said that violence was occasional in the relationship after that, he would push her, grab
her and stand over her in arguments. She said that tensions grew in the relationship when
the business they ran together started to have problems. He pulled all the doors off the
kitchen when she criticised him for not finishing the work off. He also pushed her brother in
an argument about work. The relationship became more distant in the last two years – to the
point that he moved out to a flat a couple of streets away and in her eyes the relationship
was then over. The most recent incident was the most serious. John went to a party and
heard that Mary had gone home with a male friend of hers. He went to the house (children
were at grandmothers), pushed his way in past the male friend, then assaulted Mary,
grabbing her by the arms and shaking her while shouting at her. Although there were no
injuries, the police were called out. No charges were brought.
John presents as remorseful about this incident, but only acknowledges the violence as one
‘moment of madness’. He is very resentful about the contact process.
Mary says that John puts her down to Robyn or uses her in disputes between them. She says
he has told his family and their friends in the village that she is a bad mother. She reports
that every time they have a contact handover he starts some kind of argument, which upsets
Robyn a lot.
29
Behaviour Inventory for case study
Mary’s responses
Take a few moments to think back over your relationship with your (ex)partner and
put a tick to estimate how on how many occasions times your partner (or other people
in the family) behaved like this. Cross things out or change the wording if you need to.
0 = never
1 = occasionally
2 = often
3 very frequently
0 1
2
3
Emotional and/or psychological abuse (e.g. insulting you, calling
X
you hurtful names, putting you down)
Being very possessive, jealous and controlling about who you
see (e.g. trying to stop you having contact with friends or family,
checking on you when you went out, accusing you unfairly of
having sex with other men, making threats about what he would do
if if you left him)
X
Threatening behaviour (e.g. frightening you with their temper,
punching or kicking things in the house, swearing and shouting in
your face, threatening to harm you, threatening to harm your
child/ren or your family/friends/pets)
Control -Have you felt controlled or have you limited what you do
out of fear of your partner’s reactions?
X
Sexual abuse - has your partner ever made you to do something
sexual that you did not want to?
Physical Violence - e.g. slapping you, pushing, shoving, grabbing,
holding you down.
Physical violence - punching, kicking, grabbing you by the throat,
using an object or a weapon to hurt you
If there has been violence, has it been getting more frequent or
more severe?
X
X
X
X
Yes at the end of the relationship
Abuse after you separated – e.g. harassing you, threatening you,
making unwanted contact by text or phone, showing up at your
house or where you work – He called me and tried to
X
contact me a lot until I moved away, and I know
he has tried to find me through people in the
village. He has also told lies about me and why we
split up to these people.
How your child/ren might have been affected:
The child/ren were present during some of the shouting, aggression
or violence.
Our child/ren has been physically hurt as a result of the aggression
At times the child/ren must have been aware of the aggression– e.g
hearing shouting, screaming, or violence etc from another room,
X
x
X
30
seeing me crying or injured, seeing broken furniture, , one of us
going to hospital, the police coming to the home. I was very
scared and crying after one argument and Robyn
saw this
There was violence during pregnancy My partner hurt or harshly punished the child/ren
My partner puts me down to the children or uses them in disputes
between us – he has told all his family and some of
x
x
I’m afraid my partner might abduct the children
x
x
our friends in the village that I’m a bad mother
and he’s worried about them. Almost every time we
have a handover he starts some kind of argument,
which upsets Robyn a lot.
31
Things to avoid when working with mum
and child together.
It helps to have a discussion of the things to avoid before you get
started.
Examples of DON’Ts might be:

Giving mum a chance to pressure or scare the child – such as by asking her what
she wants in terms of contact of why.

Getting the child to say things which will later get them into trouble – such as by
asking them to say directly what contact they would like in terms of contact with
dad.

Giving the sense that the child should choose between their parents’ wishes – even
a bit!

Getting the child to talk too much (its essentially a session for mum to permit the
child to talk to you)
32
Interview with mum and child
My job is to advise you all on your contact with your dad – whether I think it’s okay for you
to see him, where and how often would be best for you and who might be there to make sure
you feel most comfortable, safe and reassured.
I will be giving advice based on what everyone wants and what I think is best for you. I’ll
need find out what everyone wants and I’ll be talking to you, your mum and your dad about
this.
I’m going to talk to you to you separately in a bit – I want to check with you mum, that you’re
happy for xx for tell me whatever s/he feels and wants – even if it’s not the same as what you
want – Is that okay with you?
To child
Who do you think is most worried about you seeing your dad?
To child
Do you think mum might be a bit upset with you if you wanted to see dad?
To mum
Could you reassure xx that you are okay with them wanting to see their
dad? – I’m not asking whether or not you agree that it’s the best idea, but
whether you’d be upset with him/her if xx said that was what s/he
wanted?
To child
How do you guess mum might feel if you saw dad and things went well do you worry she might be a bit upset then?
To mum
Could you reassure xx that you’d be okay if things were going well
between xx and dad?
To child
Is it okay if we spend some time talking about this together without mum
now?
33
What is the purpose of meeting with mum
and child together?
Have a brief discussion to ensure the objective of this interview is clear. The objectives
might include:

To get mum to permit the child to speak to you

To assess if the child will be free to talk to you

To separate out mum’s and child’s motivations

To build trust with the child
34
Interview with child alone
Lets start off with you telling me a bit about yourself – lets draw a picture …
Islands
•There are three islands drawn by the worker – One is where the child lives, one is joined to
this by a gated bridge. Potential visitors to the child’s island live here. The child has the key
to the gate and control who visits and when. There is another island further away and not
joined at all to the child’s island.
•Get the child to put what and who they want on their island and to decide who might be
able to visit sometimes (putting those people on the visitors island). When will they be
allowed to the child’s island? Who lives on the island far away? What is in the water?
•They can use colours and/ or pictures to draw these people and the worker should ask
open questions about what the colours and pictures and positions of different people mean
to the child.
Interview with child
If your mum’s worries about you seeing your dad could be somehow made to go away, how
would you feel about seeing him?
What would be the most comfortable and safe feeling place to see him?
Is there someone else who might make your seeing him feel more fun, more comfortable or
safer by being there?
What would you especially worry about seeing him? What would biggest worry?
What would you look forward to most about seeing him?
35
Icebergs
When mum and dad do fight around you I wonder if you can show me a little what that’s like
for you.
Explain how most of an iceberg is hidden beneath the water. Draw this on a sheet of
paper.
Ask the child what they show when their mum and dad fight. What would be visible
in terms of their actions / the feelings they show? Draw or write this into the visible
section of the iceberg.
Then ask them what they don’t show, and what lies underneath the surface. Draw or
write this into the submerged section of the iceberg.
36
Things to avoid when working with dad.
It helps to have a discussion of the things to avoid before you get
started.
Examples of DON’Ts might be:

Get into conflict with him

Be anything other than neutral and down to earth

Show your impatience or annoyance

Use ‘Why’ rather than more genuine attempts to understand

Interrogate rather than be curious

Collude with hostile and abusive statements

Expect him to give you the whole story

Feel you can’t be friendly –with the sides of him that are loving or respectful
37
Interview with dad
My role is to advise you as to a contact arrangement based on everyone’s’ needs and
interests. To do that I’ll be meeting all of you. It’s pretty inevitable that any solution that
considers all your wishes, will end up being a compromise for all of you. How do you feel
about that?
If the advice I offer is not at all acceptable to you, then you, then you can take your case to a
family hearing. But there are advantages to settling this sooner and with minimal
investigation and disruption. Most of all there’s a huge gain in moving from ‘breaking up’ to
rebuilding your lives. When contact is still a battle it takes a huge toll on both mum and dad.
How’s it affecting you?
You might explain that this also affects little XXX:
I’m sure you guys both try to be okay with him but you can only succeed so far.
Especially since kids worry about their parents a lot post separation. So for XXX sake
the sooner we can get from negotiation and feeling embattled, to settlement, acceptance
and rebuilding, by far the better. And that’s what this system is all about.)
you might also do ‘the wall’ if the man is very angry at the system:
•What / who are obstacles between where their lives and contact with their children
are now and how they want them to be? (this might, for example, be about what stands
between them and their contact with their children) – these are the bricks in the wall
(you can draw it or build it or just talk about it)
•When they face this wall how do they feel? (for example, anger, helplessness, shame)
•How might they act when these feelings are strongest? (what are they tempted to do
and say?)
•Which actions would help to dismantle the wall and which would only serve to
strengthen it?
First of all I’ll be asking you a lot of very direct questions – is that okay? If I ask things that
you don’t want to answer or if you get annoyed with me in any way you are welcome to tell
me and I can back off. Would that be possible?
Worst fears
What are your worst fears and worries about this conflict and about how contact could end
up? What might anyone be able to do or say to reassure you?
What do you think might be xx’s worst fears?
Given xx’s fears (whether reasonable or not), what’s the worst you could do right now? And
What’s the most reassuring you could do?
I wonder what you think mum’s concerns and worst fears might be about your contact with
xx?
Lets just leave aside whether these are right or wrong – purely since its not going to get us
anywhere. Lets be entirely practical since we have limited time and make a working
assumption that these are real fears for her. It’s like assuming it might rain tomorrow and
38
planning for it – never a bad idea whether or not it’s right. Lets say to begin with that you
were really trying to reassure her about her worries, rather than arguing about the basis of
them – what might help?
Or - Try and take yourself out of the equation for a minute, and try and imagine a mum with
these worries - fears that are real for her - how might a dad in your position best reassure
the mum?
So we have to try to avoid all the worst fears scenarios.
The relationship
Let me ask a little now about your relationship history if that’s okay?
When did you first meet?
First like about each other?
What were the strengths and weaknesses of the rel?
What did you argue about most? How were your arguments at best and worst?
How did you get physical when arguing? In what ways do you think you might have come
across as scary or intimidating in an argument?
What do you think is the worst thing you’ve done to her? And post separation? (get clear
pictures)
If you could see a film of yourself during that argument, how would you look? Did you pace
around, shout, bang things, break things, shout?
On a scale of 1 – 5 how loud/hard etc was that?
How long that go on for? Where was xx?
How did that incident end?
When you picture that in your minds eye (describe back the end of that incident) what are
realising?
The children
How has the violence in your relationship affected your relationship with your children?
What do you think they are aware of?
What have you noticed about how the children are affected by the violence and abuse
between the adults?
Do you talk with your child about the conflict in the family? What do you say? What would
you want to say, if you could?
Other risks
Check out remaining concerns around mental health, substances, where this person lives
and with whom.
Possible solutions
Who might supervise contact or contact handovers who all parties (including XX) trust
enough? Would he settle for Y Z?
39
Tips for fathers
Handout
If you are a father who has been abusive in a relationship with the mother of your children and
you are now separated it can be very difficult knowing how best to deal with the children and
your ex-partner. The following guidelines may need to be adapted as every situation is different.

It just doesn’t matter what the circumstances were, or whose fault you think it was, or if
you think you have changed, or if it wasn’t in front of the children or if you think they
didn’t get your side of the story: children just don’t like people hurting either of their
parents.

You hurting or abusing their mum almost certainly affected them and probably still does.
They may be scared, upset or angry at you.

Understand that your children are likely to be very confused about their feelings for both
you and their mum. It is possible to feel lots of different emotions at the same time and
children’s feelings can also change quite quickly over time. Pre-teen children are usually
concrete thinkers who prefer to see the world as black and white – good guys and bad
guys – rather than in shades of grey. Thus loving a father who has been violent can be
bewildering for them.
Boundaries

Minimise situations where your children see you and your ex-partner together. If there is
a high level of conflict or continuing threats, no contact at all between parents is the best
thing for children.

Don’t think you have to be friends with your ex-partner. ‘Co-operative colleagues’ is the
ideal, not ‘perfect pals’, ie aim for a working relationship rather than friendship. Letting go
of a partner when you may not be fully ready or under circumstances which feel unfair is
one of the hardest things in the world to do. If you try to avoid all unnecessary contact
the resentment/grief stages will pass more easily for both of you.

Be clear about your boundaries with your ex. Even casual or trivial displays of affection
between ex-partners can be confusing for children, delaying them coming to terms with
the separation.

‘Not in front of the children’ applies even more now to arguments. Be insistent that you
don’t argue or have serious discussions when the children are around. This is not the
time to discuss arrangements or issues (do this by phone or e-mail). Once there has been
conflict in a family, raised voices can have a different meaning for children for years to
come. You can’t win in this situation as many children are hypersensitive to tone of voice,
body language and facial expressions and any negativity between you will be stressful to
them.

Don’t let your kids see you being abusive to anyone. That even includes other drivers on
the roads. You may scare them and will make it harder for them to rebuild their trust in
you.
40

Stop shouting at your children, threatening them, putting them down or hitting them. But
continue to discipline them by rewarding good behaviour and by explaining why bad
behaviour is wrong and setting consequences. They may act like you’ve gone soft at first
but they will gradually learn to respect your new way of doing things. Children who have
been through parental separation and conflict need gentle treatment for a prolonged
period to help them through.

Avoid criticism of the other parent as far as possible. Not only is this upsetting and
stressful for children but criticism can backfire as children often defend, openly or
mentally, a parent who is attacked. If the children tell you that your ex-partner is
criticising you, don’t believe you can even the score by criticising her. Just state that this is
just their mother’s opinion and you don’t agree – people often see the same situation
differently. Try not to show your anger. It may be helpful to find someone neutral, such
as a counsellor, for the children to talk to about this. Don’t expect the children to be able
to stand up to their mother – even if they know she is exaggerating or they say they hate
her criticising you, they probably won’t be able to say anything to her.

Avoid talking to other people about your ex-partner when the kids are around as even if
you can resist being critical, your friends and family will often say things that are hurtful to
the children.
Accountability

Try to model being accountable for your behaviour irrespective of whether you think
their mother is doing so too. Think of this as a way of teaching of them how to face up to
their own mistakes rather than as anything to do with arguing for their loyalties (although
they are very likely to appreciate your frank honesty). Don’t criticise their mum but do
own up to your own faults.

Don’t make excuses for any of your abusive or seriously irresponsible behaviour – if you
do make excuses they may grow up thinking that abuse is acceptable or normal, greatly
increasing the chances that they will repeat or accept such behaviour in the future.

You might say something like this but in your own words: ‘I have done some things that
are not right such as hitting mummy or scaring you. I am really sorry for doing these
things and for how much it has upset you. A lot of families have problems like this even
though they might not tell people about it. I still love you. It isn’t even a bit your fault –
you’re too young/small to be able to control us or to stop us arguing. There is no excuse
for me hitting mummy or you. Violence is wrong, no matter how angry you get. No
matter what you do, you don’t deserve to be hit.’
Loyalty

Children often struggle very hard to be loyal to their parents. Loyalty conflicts can be
intense (usually worst around ages 12 to 14) with children sometimes not only turning
against new partners but against brothers and sisters and even against their mother (often
temporarily) as they try to resolve their loyalty conflicts. Some children say they feel as if
they are pawns in their parents’ games or that they are being torn in two. It can be an
extremely hard balancing act – trying to protect your children without taking part in a
tug-of-war.
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
Loyalty conflicts may make it very hard for your children to open up to you about their
mother or about their feelings. Don’t push them to tell you everything. Don’t interrogate
them about what happens with their mother or they will learn to lie or clam up. They
also may find it hard to talk to you about the situation because they are protective of you
and don’t want to see you upset.

Don’t assume that your ex has ‘poisoned the children against you’. They are most likely
angry with you for their own reasons. They may also be angry with you because their
mum is upset and they feel loyal to her. That doesn’t mean she’s done this on purpose.
Children usually sus right away when one parent is trying to turn them against the other
and more often than not they end up very angry with the manipulative parent.
Mum’s new partner

Don’t jump to conclusions about the mother’s new partner. Often the new person
around can be intensely hated because of the loyalty issues described above, or can
represent the new, fun person around who’s really working to win them over – in short
your children could really like or hate the new man around their mother without it
showing much about what he’s actually like. They may tell you they like him just to get at
you if they feel confused or angry with you. Or they may say they hate him just to please
you.

Don’t think for a minute that because their mother finds a new partner, he will replace
you. Even if the children really like him (for which you should be glad, even if it pains you),
the bond they have with him will be nothing like that which they have with you.
Sometimes new people can be a lot of fun, without really mattering.
Contact

You want to see your child. It’s natural and normal for you to feel that way. For your
child and your ex, it might not be so straightforward. You’re the adult and the parent, so
no matter what’s happened, no matter what the reasons are for the lack of contact, no
matter who or what you think is to blame for this, you have to be able to put all this
aside and do what’s best for your child.

The good news is that most women, even after violence, DO want their children to know
their dad and for the dad to be involved regularly, provided it is SAFE for all of them,
including her. You might have to do some work to convince everyone that it is safe and
they might take a long time to believe you. You will just have to be patient. Just because
you think you have changed, you can’t expect everyone else to feel the same way.

Beware of making unrealistic demands at first and instead let trust build. If you use
contact reliably and not ever in bargaining other things (eg finances) or being abusive,
then your ex is more likely to come to recognise the benefits of it to herself and the
children.

No matter how long it takes before your child is ready for contact, you will still have to
make sure that this is OK for their mum. If she is still frightened of you it will be vital to
make sure that the contact doesn’t make this worse, otherwise this will also affect your
children. For example, you may have to arrange to pick the children up from a child
contact centre, or start off by having only indirect contact for a while, or supervised at a
child contact centre or through the on-line service run by Dadspace.
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
Don’t over-commit – regularity is more important for children than frequency. It is far
better that children see their father predictably once a month than fortnightly but with
lots of cancellations. If every day is a potential contact day then every day can be a
disappointment or rejection to them.

Be very reliable with whatever contact you have. If you aren’t it confuses children and
creates opportunities for more trauma and stress. At times of great upset and change,
creating new reliable routines is vital.

Think of yourself as having responsibilities to your children rather than rights to them.
Ask yourself how well you are fulfilling your responsibilities in the circumstances, rather
than whether you’re getting what you want from this.

Make the most of the contact you have – write letters, take pictures and make albums of
your time together, talk a lot to your children about their lives and interests as well as
your own and your family’s. Do activities that allow for interaction – from playing, to
helping with homework or cooking together to special memorable trips out (though
these should not dominate your time with the children).

You can’t make it up to your children by spoiling them – and they will see through it and
lose respect for you.
Finally

Dealing with all this is like walking through an emotional minefield! Don’t feel that you are
a failure if you need to ask for help for yourself or for your children. A few children may
need a lot of help but some benefit from just a few counselling sessions with an
independent adult, or time with a loving grandparent.

Looking after yourself is very important for your children’s wellbeing. Getting your own
life back on track may be the best way to help children.

If the other parent is being irresponsible you have to be more responsible with regard to
the kids. Don’t ever let your adherence to any of these guidelines depend on how well
the children’s mother is doing. Don’t sink to their level or play tit-for-tat with your
children’s wellbeing.
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Levels of contact
RISK
Category
LEVEL
H
No contact
Appropriateness
Where no meaningful relationship is safe or
sustainable with a high risk parent
where the safety and welfare of the child
and/or resident parent are of acute
concern, and it is important that the nonresident father not discover the child’s
whereabouts or be able to convey threats or
where the safety and welfare of the child
inappropriate messages.
and/or resident parent are of particular
concern, or direct face-to-face contact is
inappropriate for other reasons (such as
the contact parent being in prison).
Typical arrangements
H
Managed
indirect
contact
H
Indirect
contact
M/H
Safe
supervised
contact
a high-vigilance regime where there are
acute concerns about the child’s and/or
resident mother’s safety or welfare because
of the non-resident father acting violently,
following the mother, abducting the child
or otherwise acting inappropriately.
L/M
Supervised
contact
a medium-vigilance regime that is typically
recommended where there are concerns
about the child’s and/or resident mother’s
safety or welfare because of the nonresident father speaking or acting
inappropriately.
L/M
Supported
contact
This is a low-vigilance regime that is
recommended for non-resident fathers who
have a relationship with their child that is
worth preserving, and where safety is not a
significant concern but where there may be
doubt about the father’s ability to arrive for
contact in a fit state or to fully cater for the
child’s welfare needs.
L/M
Supervised
hand-over
Recommended where there are concerns
about the possibility of harassment by the
father or conflict between the parents, or
where it is preferable for other reasons that
another adult is present at the point of
hand-over to minimise stress for the child
and/or resident mother.
L
Unsupervised Typically recommended in cases where
flexible and undefined contact
(defined)
arrangements would lead to concerns for
contact
Contact is not supervised but its length and
frequency are clearly defined (and may include
staying contact).
Unsupervised
(undefined)
contact
Contact is unregulated and undefined; the
parents are left to make their own arrangements.
L
the child’s welfare.
Recommended where there are no
particular concerns about the child’s or
resident mother’s safety and where there is
sufficient goodwill or co-operation between
the parents for contact to be a positive
experience for all concerned.
A named, responsible third party or agency
undertakes to vet cards, letters, photos, gifts etc
and, as appropriate, pass them on to the child via
the resident parent, and to hand over information
from
or aboutthe
thenon-resident
child to the non-resident
If permitted,
father has father.
telephone contact and/or webcam links (eg,
Skype) with the child that are regulated, and
father and child exchange cards, letters, emails,
gifts etc and build up life-story portfolios.
Stringent safety mechanisms are in place before,
during and after contact to ensure the parents
cannot meet and the resident mother cannot be
followed. Contact between child and non-resident
father is closely monitored by a highly-skilled
professional who is present at all times to hear all
conversations, to observe and record all
interactions, and to intervene as necessary.
Hand-over is supervised (or staggered) and a
named professional or responsible other
observes and listens to all contact (eg, in the
same room or setting or via CCTV). The worker is
available to assist the non-resident parent and
child with issues that arise, to intervene when
required, and to give feedback to the resident
mother.
Child and non-resident parent are normally
greeted and settled into the visit and then left to
have contact, typically in the company of other
families. A volunteer or staff member will remain
in the vicinity to keep a ‘watchful eye’ but the
contact is essentially unsupervised.
The length and frequency of contact are defined
and hand-over is facilitated by contact centre
staff or other responsible adult (or hand-over is
staggered).
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Sample voluntary agreement
We are the parents of A and B. Their well-being is of paramount importance to us. We want to
work together to secure their best interests. We believe that a regular pattern of contact will be
helpful for all of us but we acknowledge that we need to be flexible about the details. It is in the
interests of our children for there to be trust between us. We agree that:
Areas to reach agreement on
• Where will the children live?
• How much time will they spend time with each Parent? (in term time / in holidays)
• What will be the arrangements for handover?
• Will anyone supervise contact? If so who?
• Will there be phone calls, text messages and emails between parents?
• Will there be phone calls, text messages and emails between the parents and children?
• Will there be boundaries about unarranged visits to see the children?
• How will parents deal with any changes to these arrangements? It is a good idea to think
about a minimum period of time for notifying the other parent of changes, and how the
children will be informed.
• Will anyone else look after the children (e.g. childminders, babysitters, relatives, new
partners, friends and neighbours) and if so, when?
• Are there any important rules that will be agreed for the children (e.g. bedtimes, when
• homework is done, staying out late etc.)?
• How will the children be told about the arrangements?
We understand that these arrangements will need to be reviewed in time or as family
circumstances change.
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Feedback
Included:
Either
•Your recommended course of action , which aims to
•Reassure everyone’s worst fears (reasonable or not)
•Keep everyone safe
•To move us from conflict to contact – accepting that at this point in the separation it may
only be possible to find a minimally adequate resolution, involving compromise on all sides,
but hoping that in time, as the plan settles in and begins to work , a more satisfactory
situation can be found.
Or
Explain that due to the complexity and / or possible risk levels, you feel that a more in depth
assessment is needed.
Usually if an arrangement has run smoothly for around a year and nothing has happened to
increase the risk, then its fair to assume that time, the great healer, may have had an effect
and it might be time to review and alter this contract accordingly (don’t do so earlier than 9
months – things may look safer very fast but in reality time does not in a matter of a few
weeks or months) .
Note also that the children will want to make changes themselves as they grow older and
their needs and priorities develop.
Explain that this arrangement is not about what’s fair for the adults or about them getting
‘what they deserve’. Its about what’s best for the child.
Explain to mum that the child may have the possibility of forming a very different
relationship with dad than mum had.
Note : If the parties cannot agree, yet the risk level is at the lower end, then the case
should be passed back for private law lawyers rather than onto child protection.
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