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CHAPTER 8 SUMMARY
Chapter 8
FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
1. The ingredients of close relationships
2. Culture and relationships
3. The Internet and relationships
4. Initial encounters
5. Getting acquainted
6. Established relationships
7. What makes a good friend
8. Gender differences in friendships
9. Myths about romantic love
10. Sexual orientation and love
11. Gender differences regarding love
12. Theories of love
13. The course of romantic love
Perspectives on Close Relationships
Ingredients of
Close
Relationships
Culture and
Relationships
Close relationships are those that are important, interdependent,
and long lasting.
1.
Close relationships have the capacity to arouse intense
feelings - both positive (passion, concern, caring) and
negative (rage, jealousy, despair).
2.
Close relationships come in many forms: those with family
members, friends, co-workers, romantic relationships,
marriage.
3.
While many close relationships are based on mutual,
intimate self-disclosure, many are not.
1.
Romantic love is experienced in most cultures, however,
cultures vary in their emphasis on romantic love as a
prerequisite for marriage.
2.
Emphasis on love as prerequisite for marriage is unique to
Western culture (i.e., individualistic cultures).
3.
People in collectivist cultures tend to value romantic love
less. Marriages arranged by families and other go-betweens
remain common in cultures high in collectivism, including
India, Japan and China.
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The Internet and
Relationships
1.
Meeting prospective friends and romantic partners used to
be limited to school, work, and church settings.
2.
Then came the “bar scene”, personal ads in newspapers,
singles mixers, and video dating services.
3.
More recently, the Internet (newsgroups, chat rooms, e-mail)
has dramatically expanded opportunities for people to
develop friendships.
4.
While the Internet offers a wealth of new opportunities to
interact for those normally separated because of geography,
physical infirmity, or social anxiety, it also makes it easy for
dishonest or dangerous individuals to take advantage of
others. As a result, it is important to exercise caution in
revealing personal information online.
5.
Virtual relationships are just as intimate and are sometimes
even closer.
6.
Online, people rely on self-disclosure, so similarity of
interests and values kicks in earlier and assumes more
power than it does in face-to-face relationships.
Initial Attraction and Relationship Development
Initial Encounters
What draws two strangers together? Three factors stand out:
proximity, familiarity, and physical attractiveness:
1.
Proximity: geographic, residential, and other forms of
spatial closeness.
a. Generally, people become acquainted with, and
attracted to, those who live, work, or play nearby.
b. Research findings support importance of proximity.
2.
Familiarity
a. Mere exposure effect: an increase in positive feelings
toward a novel stimulus (person) based on frequent
exposure to it.
b. The more familiar a person is, the more you will like
him/her.
c. But, if your initial reaction was negative, increased
exposure will intensify the dislike.
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3.
Physical attractiveness
a. Physical attractiveness plays a major role in initial
encounters.
b. Attractiveness is a key factor in dating and friendships.
People, especially males, prefer attractiveness in their
same- and other-gender friends.
c. Women claim attractiveness is less important to them,
however, researchers have found that when it comes to
their behavior, women are as influenced by physical
attractiveness as men are. Women tend to downplay
this fact in their self-reports.
d. Heterosexuals and homosexuals probably do not differ
in the importance they place on the physical
attractiveness of prospective dating partner.
e. Results of cross-cultural study indicate that personal
qualities such as kindness-warmth, and intelligence
were ranked higher than physical attractiveness.
4.
What makes someone attractive?
a. Researchers who study attractiveness focus almost
exclusively on facial features and physique. Both are
important in perceived attractiveness.
b. However, an unattractive body is generally seen as a
greater liability than an unattractive face.
c. In men: broad shoulders, slim waist and legs, small
buttocks, and height are seen as attractive. Facial
features that are seen as attractive in men are a strong
jaw and a broad forehead, although some men with
softer and finer features are also rated attractive.
d. In women: an average weight with an “hourglass” figure
and medium sized breasts are rated high in
attractiveness. Facial features that are seen as
attractive are large eyes, prominent cheekbones, a
small nose, and full lips.
e. Because our culture particularly values attractiveness
in females, being physically attractive appears to be
more important for females than for males.
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5.
Matching up on looks
a. Fortunately, a person does not have to be very good
looking in order to enjoy a rewarding social life. People
apparently take into consideration their own level of
attractiveness in the process.
b. Matching hypothesis theory proposes that people of
similar levels of physical attractiveness gravitate toward
each other.
c. Dating and married couples tend to be similar in
physical attractiveness.
6.
Resource exchange (see Figure 8.5)
a. Contradicting the matching hypothesis, studies have
shown that for men physical attractiveness is more
important than occupational status, whereas for women
occupational status is more important than physical
attractiveness.
b. Evolutionary social psychologists suggest that findings
reflect gender differences in reproductive strategies.
Men are required to invest little in the production of
offspring beyond the act of copulation, whereas women
have to invest 9 months in pregnancy and devote at
least several additional years to caregiving.
Getting
Acquainted
Is there any way to predict which relationships will succeed? Three
factors may shed some light on this important question: reciprocal
liking, perceived similarity, and desirable personality characteristics:
1.
Reciprocal liking refers to liking those who show they like you.
a.
Many studies have demonstrated that if you believe
another person likes you, you will like him or her.
b.
The self-fulfilling prophecy applies: if you believe they like
you, you behave in ways that encourage person to
respond positively.
c.
Research evidence indicates that playing "hard to get" is
not an advisable strategy.
d.
There is a preference for individuals who are moderately
selective in their liking for others. People who like
everyone are seen as having no standards, those who like
very few, are seen as arrogant.
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2.
Similarity
a. Despite increasing diversity in the U.S., similarity
continues to play a key role in attraction.
b. The similarity principle operates in both friendships and
romantic relationships regardless of sexual orientation.
c. Heterosexual married and dating couples tend to be
similar in: demographic characteristics such as age, race,
religion, socioeconomic status, and education; physical
attractiveness, intelligence, attitudes, and personality.
d. Similarity in certain attitudes promotes liking.
e. Regarding personality characteristics, people with similar
needs (for example, both high or both low on the need for
affiliation) are more likely to be attracted to each other
than are those with dissimilar or complementary needs
(one high and one low on affiliation needs).
f. There is some evidence that people with similar
attachment styles are attracted to each other.
g. Of course, sometimes opposites do attract, however,
similarity is more often the rule, especially in the long term.
3.
Desirable personality characteristics
a. Studies suggest most sought after qualities are kindness,
consideration, honesty, and humor.
b. Personal qualities generally are rated as more important
than physical characteristics for long-term relationships.
Established
Relationships
1.
Maintaining ongoing relationships (see Figure 8.8)
a.
Relationship maintenance involves the actions and
activities used to sustain the desired quality of a
relationship.
b.
Many activities are included in relationship
maintenance, including minding, an active process
that involves self-disclosure and other relationshipenhancing attitudes and skills and should continue
throughout the course of the relationship.
c.
A high degree of minding involves: (1) using good
listening skills, (2) having detailed knowledge about
your partner’s opinions, (3) making generally positive
attributions for your partner’s behaviors, (4)
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expressing feelings of trust and commitment, (5)
recognizing your partner’s support and effort, and (6)
having an optimistic view of the future of the
relationship.
d.
2.
A low degree of minding involves: (1) a lack of
interest in your partner’s self-disclosures, (2)
generally negative attributions for your partner’s
behavior, (3) dwelling on your partner’s faults, and (4)
a pessimistic view of the future of the relationship.
Relationship satisfaction and commitment
a. How do individuals gauge their satisfaction in a
relationship? What determines whether a person will
stay in or get out of a relationship? One theory of
relationship satisfaction and commitment is called the
“Social Exchange Theory”.
b. Social exchange theory postulates that interpersonal
relationships are governed by perceptions of the
rewards and costs exchanged in interactions.
c. Model predicts that relationships will continue as long
as participants feel that the benefits outweigh the costs.
d. Rewards include such things as emotional support,
status, and sexual gratification (in romantic
relationships); costs are such things as the time and
energy that a relationship requires, emotional conflicts,
and the inability to engage in other rewarding activities
because of relationship obligations.
e. Individuals gauge their satisfaction with a relationship
by comparing the relationship outcomes (rewards minus
costs) to their subjective expectations. This personal
standard of what constitutes an acceptable balance
of rewards and costs in a relationship is called the
comparison level.
f. Research indicates that relationship satisfaction is
higher when rewards are perceived to be high and
costs, low.
3.
Factors in commitment in relationships
a. To understand the role of commitment in relationships,
we need to look at two other factors: comparison level
for alternatives and investments.
b. The comparison level for alternatives is one's
estimation of the available outcomes from alternative
relationships. In making this comparison, people assess
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their current relationship outcomes in comparison to the
potential outcomes of other similar relationships that are
actually available to them. This helps explain why many
unsatisfying relationships are not terminated until
another love interest actually appears.
c. Investments are the things that people contribute to a
relationship that they can't get back if the relationship
ends. Investments include past costs such as time and
money. This helps explain why some people put even
more in a relationship when it is failing. If they don’t
they might lose all they have invested.
Friendship
What Makes a
Good Friend?
Gender
Differences in
Friendship
What makes a good friend? See Figure 8.10 for U.S. and Figure
8.11 for cross-cultural findings.
1.
Results of surveys suggest that loyalty is the heart and soul
of friendship.
2.
Other important factors include unconditional acceptance,
emotional support, and letting friends be themselves.
1.
In the U.S., women’s friendships are more often emotionally
based, while men's friendships tend to be based on shared
interests, doing things together.
2.
Women's friendships tend to focus on talking and emotional
intimacy, and they are more likely to discuss personal issues
and feelings.
3.
Men's friendships tend to be regulated by social roles. They
are more likely to talk about sports, work, and vehicles than
personal concerns.
4.
Reasons for gender differences:
a. Different pathways to intimacy (closeness through doing
versus closeness through self-disclosure).
b. Men may have less need for intimacy or may be socially
conditioned against self-disclosure, which is a
necessary ingredient for intimacy.
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Romantic Love
Myths About Love
Since the 1970s, a number of interesting theories on love and
romantic relationships have been developed. First, however,
consider some myths about love.
1.
Myth #1: When you fall in love, you'll know it
a. Often it is difficult to distinguish love from lust.
b. People are often unsure whether or not they are in
love. Confusion about romantic relationship is not
unusual.
2.
Myth #2: When love strikes, you have no control over it
a. This myth asserts that love is so powerful that people
are totally incapable of behaving wisely once they are
under its spell.
b. This rationalization encourages people to act
irresponsibly in matters of the heart.
3.
Myth #3: True love lasts forever
a. Love may last forever, but don’t count on it.
b. It’s more realistic to view love as a sometimes
wonderful, sometimes frustrating experience that might
be encountered a number of times in one’s life.
4.
Myth #4: Love can conquer all problems
a. This myth is the basis for many unsuccessful
marriages. Numerous couples, fully aware of problems
in their relationship (such as poor communication or
disagreement about gender roles) forge ahead into
marriage anyway.
b. There is some evidence that liking your lover may be
more important than loving your lover.
Sexual Orientation 1.
and Love
2.
Sexual orientation: a person's preference for emotional and
sexual relationships with individuals of the same gender
(homosexuals), the other gender (heterosexuals), or either
gender (bisexuals).
Most studies of romantic love and relationships suffer from
heterosexism: the assumption that all individuals and
relationships are heterosexual.
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a. No way to know whether subjects are referring to sameor other-gender romantic partners.
b. Psychologists don't know as much about role of sexual
orientation as they would like to.
Gender
Differences
Regarding Love
Theories of Love
3.
In the experience of love relationships, gender and
identification with traditional or nontraditional gender roles
seem to be more critical than sexual orientation.
1.
The stereotype holds that women are more romantic than
men, however, the research shows the contrary - men are
more romantic than women.
a.
Men hold more romantic beliefs like “Love lasts
forever” or “There is one perfect love in the world for
everyone.”
b.
Men fall in love more easily than women, whereas
women fall out of love more easily than men.
c.
Women are more likely than men to say that they
would marry someone they didn’t love.
d.
Women seem to experience less emotional turmoil
than men when romantic relationships break up.
e.
Women seem to be more romantic with regard to
expressions of love. For example, women are more
likely to report physical symptoms associated with
being in love. Women are also somewhat more likely
to verbalize and display tender emotions.
2.
Women are more selective in choosing a partner and may
be more sensitive to problems in relationships.
1.
Triangular Theory of Love (Robert Sternberg):
a. According to Sternberg, all love experiences have three
components:
(1)
Passion: the intense feelings (both positive and
negative) experienced in love relationships, including
sexual desire.
(2)
Intimacy: warmth, closeness, and sharing in a
relationship.
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(3)
Commitment: the decision and intent to maintain a
relationship in spite of the difficulties and costs that
may arise.
b. Sternberg describes eight different types of relationships
resulting from the presence or absence of each of those three
components. (See Table 8.12)
2.
Attachment Theory of Romantic Love (Hazan & Shaver)
a.
Researchers who study attachment are interested in
attachment styles (typical ways of interacting in close
relationships).
b.
Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver examined similarities
between adult love and infant attachment.
(1)
Findings suggest that early bonding experiences
produce three broad categories of adult
relationships:
o Secure adults (55 of subjects)
 Trust others
 Are comfortable with relationships
 Rarely worry about abandonment
 Have long lasting relationships
 Have the highest incidence of positive
relationship experiences
o Avoidant adults (25% of subjects)
 Are reluctant to trust others
 Are uncomfortable getting close
 Have the lowest incidence of positive
relationship experiences
o Anxious-ambivalent adults (20% of subjects)
 Are obsessive and preoccupied with their
relationships
 Want more closeness than their partners
do and suffer extreme jealousy
 Have the shortest duration relationships
(2)
Research findings generally support this theory.
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c.
Kim Bartholomew proposed a four-category model of adult
attachment styles.
(1) Main difference between Bartholomew and
Hazan/Shaver modes is that Bartholomew's
delineates two avoidant attachment styles
o Fearful-avoidants
 Avoid close relationships to protect
themselves from disappointment
 Have negative self-views
o Dismissing-avoidants
 Also avoid close relationships to protect
themselves from disappointment
 But they have positive self-views
(2) Many researchers have praised this model.
d.
Correlates of attachment styles
(1) Securely attached individuals have more welladjusted relationships.
(2) Insecurely attached individuals may have problems
with low self-esteem, loneliness.
(3) Attachment patterns may exert influence beyond
romantic relationships (e.g., attitudes about work)
e.
Matching attachment styles
(1) There is evidence that people with a secure
attachment style are more likely to have securely
attached partners
(2) Avoidants are usually paired with ambivalent
partners.
(3) More research is needed to determine if these
pairing patterns are present at the start of the
relationship or whether individuals change their
styles over time.
f.
Stability of attachment styles
(1) Adult attachment styles parallel those in infancy.
(2) But, some people can revise their attachment styles
in response to relationship experiences.
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The Course of
Romantic Love
1.
According to the textbook, research indicates that passion in
relationships seems to fade over time.
a. The pattern suggests that passion peaks early in a
relationship and then declines in intensity. Three factors
may help explain this: fantasy, novelty, and arousal.
b. However, further research may be needed to
differentiate between genders on this topic.
2.
Why relationships fail
a. Premature commitment – many couples make romantic
commitments without taking the time to get to know
each other. These individuals may find out later that
they don’t really like each other or that they don’t have
much in common.
b. Ineffective conflict resolution and conflict management
skills – the vast majority of couples report having
disagreements, unfortunately, many people do not
know how to deal with conflict constrictively.
c. Becoming bored with the relationship – novelty usually
fades as people get to know each other and boredom
can set in. People have needs for both novelty and
predictability in close relationships and it’s hard to
balance these.
d. Availability of a more attractive relationship – whether a
deteriorating relationship actually ends depends in great
part on the availability of a more attractive alternative.
3.
Helping relationships last
a. Take plenty of time to get to know other person before
making long-term commitment.
(1)
Self-disclosure is important
(2)
Best predictors of long-term relationships are
levels of commitment and intimacy
b. Emphasize positive qualities in partner, relationship
(1)
Actor-observer effect: the tendency to attribute
one's own behavior to situational factors and the
behavior of others to personal factors
c. Find ways to bring novelty to long-term relationships.
d. Develop effective conflict management resolution skills.
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Discussion Questions
1.
There is some controversy over the value of doing scientific
research on love. Do you think this is a legitimate or
valuable research activity, or do you believe that love is a
topic that is better left to poets and songwriters?
2.
The textbook discusses the importance of proximity and
similarity as factors in interpersonal attraction. Do you think
it's possible that these factors go together in the sense that
people who live and work near you are likely to be similar to
you as well? Can you think of some examples from your
own experience that would support this notion?
3.
According to your textbook, there seems to be widespread
agreement across cultures on what constitutes an attractive
face. What kinds of facial features do you think are
associated with physical attractiveness? Why do these
features make a person more attractive?
4.
The expression, “opposites attract” suggests that people
who are very different may be attracted to each other. In
light of the discussion in your textbook of the importance of
similarity in attraction, why do you think it is that opposites
may be attracted to each other in some cases?
5.
Most people have an idealized picture of the person they
want or hope to fall in love with. Think about your own
picture--what are the three most crucial qualities that you're
looking for? If you are currently involved in a love
relationship, does your partner possess these qualities?
6.
What do you think of the strategy of playing "hard to get" in a
dating relationship? Have you ever used this strategy with
another person, or do you think another person has used it
on you? Based on your own experience, do you think this is
an effective strategy? Why or why not?
7.
What are the most important qualities that you tend to look
for in a friend? How are these qualities similar to or different
from the qualities you look for in a romantic partner?
8.
Researchers suggest that the passion in a love relationship
tends to peak early in the relationship and then gradually
fade. Do you agree with this assessment? Is it consistent
with your own experiences with love relationships?
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9.
The textbook suggests that men tend to be more romantic
than women, which is contrary to the traditional stereotype.
Do you agree with this conclusion? Is it consistent with your
own experience?
10.
The textbook suggests that one reason relationships fail is
the availability of a more attractive relationship. Does it
seem fair to "bide your time" in an unsatisfying relationship
until something better comes along? Do you think this is a
conscious strategy for many people, or do you think this is
something that could happen without one being aware of it?
Chapter Summary References:
Adapted by Roqueta, M. (2002), from Weiten, W., & Lloyd, M. A. (2003), Psychology
applied to modern life: Adjustment in the 21st Century. Belmont, CA:
Wadsworth/Thomson Learning.
Table References:
See textbook.
Websites:





Mental Help Net: This site contains an article by Dr. Richard Booth, entitled The Importance of
Understanding Loneliness.
http://www.relationshipweb.com/ This site contains “First Aid for Relationships,” with links,
forums, readings, etc. dealing with various aspects of interpersonal relationships.
http://mentalhelp.net/perspectives/articles/art09963.htm This site contains an article by Dr.
Richard Booth, entitled “The Importance of Understanding Loneliness.”
http://www.shyness.com/ The homepage of the Shyness Institute, headquartered in Palo Alto,
CA It features a large index of resources related to shyness and its management.
http://helping.apa.org/painfulshyness/ The American Psychological Association’s “HelpCenter”
devoted to shyness.
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