3
BACKTALK
4
Table 3
5
1. This morning.
2. In the middle of the night, after having
the $2.99 “all-you-can-eat” burrito special.
3. When faced with certain and
imminent discovery.
After
everybody
else up
figured
outanother lame excuse for
re you tired of having to constantly report problems to your boss? Are4.you
tired
of coming
withityet
first months ago.
problems caused by others? Let CrossTalk save you some time with
the
Department
of
Defense
5. In spite of massive amounts of General-Purpose Excuse
and Explanation Memo form (DODGE EM). Simply get yourself a single six-sided
die, start rolling,
and fill in the blanks below. This
anti-depressants
and competent
psychiatric
gives you well over 45,000 possible explanations from which to choose. You will
save so care.
much time with paperwork, you might actu6. After all
of the
developers
took up
ally be the first developer on your project to actually spend more time developing
than
doing
paperwork!
meditation and fled the country.
A
Project Management Using Random Events
TO: --Roll Dice, Insert from Table 1--
I am truly sorry to report that my project is --Roll Dice, Insert
from Table 2--.
I first realized this --Roll Dice, Insert from Table 3--.
To put us on the
right path, weTable
need1to --Roll Dice, Insert from
1. My boss.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
March 2007
1.
Table 1
2. My
My boss.
boss’ boss.
2.
My
boss’
boss.
1.
My
boss.
3. TheTable
General
Accounting Office.
1 Accounting
3.
The
General
Office.
2.
boss’
boss.
Table
1
4. My
Congressional
Oversight
Committee.
My boss.
4.
Congressional
OversightOffice.
Committee.
3.
The
General
Accounting
5.
My
mommy.
1. boss.
My boss.
My boss’
5.
My
mommy.
4.
Oversight
6.2. Congressional
Those
whoboss.
read
this afterCommittee.
I go.
MyAccounting
boss’
The General
6. My
Those
who readOffice.
this after I go.
5.
mommy.
3.
The
General
Accounting
Office.
Congressional
Oversight
Committee.
6.4. Those
who read Oversight
this after I Committee.
go.
Congressional
My mommy.
5.
My
mommy.
Those who read this after I go.
6. Those who read this after I go.
Table 2
Table 2
1. Running overTable
schedule.
2
1.
2. Running
Running over
out ofschedule.
money.
2.
Running
out
of
money.
1.
Running
over
schedule.
out of time and money.
3. REALLY
Tablerunning
2
REALLY
running
out of2 time
and money.
3.
2.
outdevelopers
of Table
money.
4. Running
Making
the
nauseous.
Running
over
schedule.
4.
Making
the
developers
nauseous.
3.
REALLY
running
out
of
time
and
money.
5.1. out
Forcing
those
Running
overassociated
schedule. with the
Running
of money.
5. Making
Forcing
those
associated
with the
4.
the
developers
nauseous.
project
to
rewrite
their
resume.
2.
Running
out
of
money.
REALLY
running
out
of time
and money.
project
to
rewrite
resume.
5.
those
associated
with
themoney.
6.3. Forcing
Being
referred
to their
in-house
asand
the
REALLY
running
out of time
Making
developers
nauseous.
6. the
Being
referred
to
in-house
as the
project
to
rewrite
their
resume.
“resume
stain."
4.
Making
the
developers
nauseous.
Forcing
associated
the as the
“resume
stain."towith
6. those
Being
referred
in-house
Forcing
those
associated
with the
project5.
to“resume
rewrite
their
resume.
stain."
project
to rewriteas
their
Being referred
to in-house
theresume.
6. stain."
Being referred to in-house as the
“resume
“resume stain."
Table 3
Table 3
1. This morning.Table 3
1.
2. This
In themorning.
middle of the night, after having
2. This
In
middle
after having
1.
morning.
thethe
$2.99
“all-you-can-eat”
special.
Table
3 of the night,burrito
the
$2.99
“all-you-can-eat”
special.
3 burrito
2.
the
middle
ofTable
the
night,
after having
3. In
When
faced
with
certain
and
This morning.
3. the
When
faced
with
certain
and
$2.99
“all-you-can-eat”
burrito special.
imminent
discovery.
1. imminent
This
morning.
In the3.
middle
ofeverybody
thediscovery.
night,
after
having
When
faced
with
certain
andafter
4.
After
else
figured
it out
2.
In
the
middle
of
the
night,
the $2.99
“all-you-can-eat”
burrito
special.
4. imminent
After
everybody
else figured
it outhaving
discovery.
first
months
ago.
the
$2.99
“all-you-can-eat”
burrito
special.
When4.
with
certain
and
first
months
ago.
After
everybody
else
figured
itofout
5.faced
InWhen
spite
of
massive
amounts
faced
with
certain
and
imminent
discovery.
5.3. first
In
spite
of
massive
amounts
of
monthsdiscovery.
ago. and competent
anti-depressants
imminent
After 5.
everybody
else
figured
it out
anti-depressants
and
competent
In
spiteeverybody
of massive
amounts
psychiatric
care.
4.
After
else
figuredofit out
first months
ago.
psychiatric
care.
anti-depressants
and
competent
6. After
all
of theago.
developers took up
first
months
In spite
massive
6. ofpsychiatric
After
all ofamounts
the
developers
took up
meditation
and
fled of
the
country.
5. meditation
In spiteand
ofcare.
massive
amounts
of
anti-depressants
competent
and
fled the
country.
6. After
all
of
the
developers
took
up
anti-depressants
and competent
psychiatric
care.
meditation
and
fled the country.
psychiatric
care.
After all of the developers took up
6. After
all ofthe
thecountry.
developers took up
meditation
and fled
Table
4 the country.
meditation and
fled
Table 4
1. Ignored the advice
of all the
Table of
4
1. Ignored
the advice
all the
consultants.
consultants.
1.
the
of all the
Table
2. Ignored
Listened
to4advice
every single
consultant.
2.
Listened
to the
every
single
Table
4 consultant.
consultants.
3.
Re-scoped
requirements
14 times.
Ignored
the
advicetoofevery
all requirements
thesingle consultant.
3.
Re-scoped
the
14 times.
2.
4.1. Listened
Never
hadthe
any
requirements.
Ignored
advice
of all the
consultants.
4.
Never
had
any
requirements.
3.
thebudget,
requirements
times.
5. Re-scoped
Spent
all the
and still14
never
consultants.
Listened
to
every
consultant.
5. Never
Spent
allsingle
the
budget,
and still never
4.
had
any
requirements.
had
any
requirements.
2.
Listened
to
every
single
consultant.
Re-scoped
theany
requirements
14 times.
had
requirements.
5.
all
themade
budget,
never
6.had
Built
itrequirements.
and
it toand
teststill
without
any
3. Spent
Re-scoped
the
requirements
14 times.
Never6.
any
Built
it
and
made
it
to
test
without
any
had
any
requirements.
requirements.
4. real
Never
had and
any still
requirements.
Spent6.all
the
budget,
never
real requirements.
Built
it and
made
it to test
any
5.requirements.
Spent
all the
budget,
andwithout
still never
had any
real
requirements.
had
any
requirements.
Built it and made it to test without any
6. Built it and made it to test without any
real requirements.
real requirements.
Table 5
Table 5
Table 4
It would really help us
if you would --Roll Dice, Insert from
1. Ignored the advice of all the
Table 6--.consultants.
3. Re-scoped
the requirements
14 times.
This won’t
happen again
– because next
time, I will --Roll Dice,
Never
had7--.
any requirements.
Table
Insert4.from
2. Listened to every single consultant.
I’m sorry, but this happened because we --Roll Dice, Insert from
Table 4--.
Table 1
Table 5--.
5. Spent all the budget, and still never
had any requirements.
6. Built it and made it to test without any
Sincerely,
real name
requirements.
--Insert your
here--
Table 5
1. Hire a consultant who knows something
about security.
2. Fire the consultants who know nothing
about security.
3. Switch to Ada – a secure language.
4. Realize that 53 designers and no coders
is a bad mix.
5. Figure out who the users might be and
try talking to one about security.
6. Have the developers take up
interpretative ballet as a
hobby.
Table
6
Table 6
1. Show up occasionally
to the stakeholder
Table 6 to
1. Show
up occasionally
the stakeholder
meetings.
meetings.
1.
Show
up
occasionally
to
the
stakeholder
2. Quit Table
showing
6 up to the stakeholder
2. meetings.
Quit
showing upTable
to the
6 stakeholder
meetings.
1. Show2.
up occasionally
toup
thetostakeholder
meetings.
showing
the to
stakeholder
Micromanage
somebody
else
for JUST
3.1. Quit
Show
up occasionally
the stakeholder
meetings.
3. meetings.
Micromanage
somebody
else for JUST
few
days.
a
meetings.
2. Quit showing
up
to
the
stakeholder
few
days.
a
for stay
JUST
3.
4.2. Micromanage
Show
up late,somebody
leave
and
Quit showing
up to early,
theelse
stakeholder
meetings.
4. aShow
up
late, leave
early, and stay
few
days.
behind
closed
doors.
meetings.
3. Micromanage
somebody
else for
JUST
behind
doors.
4.
upclosed
late,your
leave
early,
and
stay
5.
Realize
that
degree
in
sanitation
3. Show
Micromanage
somebody
else
for
JUST
days.
a few 5.
Realize
that does
your
degree
in sanitation
behind
closed
doors.
engineering
not
make
you
a
a few
days.
4. Show5.up Realize
late,
leave
early,
and
stay
engineering
does–degree
not
make
you a
that
your
in security
sanitation
technical
expert
andearly,
that
Show
up
late,
leave
and stay
behind 4.
closed
doors.
technical
expert
–not
and
that security
engineering
does
make
you
a
DOES
NOT
mean
wearing
a
Depends.
behind
closed
doors.
5. Realize that
yourNOT
degree
in
sanitation
DOES
mean
wearing
apray
Depends.
expert
– and
that
security
Attend
church
regularly
andin
for the
6.5. technical
Realize
thatmake
your
degree
sanitation
engineering
does
not
you
a
6. DOES
Attend
church
regularly
and apray
for the
NOT
wearing
project
– and
it’smean
our
only
engineering
does
nothope.
make Depends.
you a
technical
expert
–
that
security
project
–
it’s
our
only
hope.
church
regularly
and
for the
6. Attend
technical
expert
–
thatpray
security
DOES NOT
mean
wearing
a and
Depends.
project
–NOT
it’s
our
only
hope. a Depends.
DOES
mean
wearing
6. Attend church regularly and pray for the
Attend
church
regularly and pray for the
project 6.
– it’s
our only
hope.
project – it’s our only hope.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Table 7
Table 7
1. Read CrossTalk
regularly.
Table 7
1.
2. Read
Read CrossTalk
CrossTalk regularly.
regularly.
2.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
1.
regularly.
3. Read
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
Table CrossTalk
7
3.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
2.
Read
CrossTalk
Table 7 regularly.
4.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
Read3.
CrossTalk
regularly.
4.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
regularly.
5.CrossTalk
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
1. Read
ReadCrossTalk
CrossTalk
regularly.
Read4.
regularly.regularly.
5.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
Read
CrossTalk
6.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
2.
Read
CrossTalk
regularly.
Read5.
regularly.regularly.
6.CrossTalk
Read CrossTalk
CrossTalk
regularly.
3. Read
Read CrossTalk
regularly.
Read6.CrossTalk
regularly.regularly.
Read
CrossTalk
4. Read CrossTalk
Read CrossTalk
regularly. regularly.
5. Read CrossTalk
Read CrossTalk
regularly. regularly.
— David
6. Read CrossTalk regularly.
A. Cook, Ph.D.
Senior Research Scientist and Principle Member of the Technical Staff
The AEgis Technologies Group, Inc.
[email protected]
www.stsc.hill.af.mil
31
6
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
R
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