RELATIONSHIP and
DATING VIOLENCE
GENERAL CONFERENCE
WOMEN’S MINISTRIES DEPARTMENT
DEFINITION and CHARACTERISTICS
TEEN DATING ABUSE IS A PATTERN OF ABUSIVE
BEHAVIOR USED TO HAVE POWER AND CONTROL
OVER ANOTHER PERSON. IT CAN BE:
• Any kind of physical violence or threat of
physical violence to get control.
• Emotional or mental abuse, such as playing
mind games, making you feel crazy,
constantly texting you, or constantly putting
you down or criticizing you.
• Destroying your homework.
• Deciding what school activities you should
participate in.
• Sexual abuse, including making you do
something you don’t want to do, or making
you feel bad about yourself sexually.
Threatening to rape you.
SOME EFFECTS of RELATIONSHIP and
DATING VIOLENCE
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Abusing Self (Cutting)
Difficulty in making decisions Inability to Concentrate
Poor Communication Skills Loss of Self-Confidence
Nightmares
Scared
Guilt
Insomnia
Withdrawal
SOME EFFECTS of RELATIONSHIP and
DATING VIOLENCE
• Anger
• Promiscuity
• Paranoia
• Insomnia
• Shame
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Aggression
• Eating disorders
STATISTICS
• Teens who abuse their girlfriends or boyfriends do
the same things as adults who abuse their partners.
Teen dating violence is just as serious as adult
domestic violence. And it’s common.
APPROXIMATELY 1 IN 5 FEMALE HIGH
SCHOOL STUDENTS REPORT BEING
PHYSICALLY AND/OR SEXUALLY ABUSED BY A
DATING PARTNER.
—Jay G. Silverman, PhD; Anita Raj, PhD; Lorelei A. Mucci,
MPH; and Jeanne E. Hathaway, MD, MPH, “Dating Violence
Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use,
Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy,
and Suicidality,” Journal of the American Medical Association,
Vol. 286, No. 5 (2001), pp 572-579.
TEEN DATING VIOLENCE RUNS ACROSS RACE,
GENDER, AND SOCIOECONOMIC LINES. BOTH
MALES AND FEMALES ARE VICTIMS, BUT BOYS
AND GIRLS ARE ABUSIVE IN DIFFERENT WAYS:
• Girls are more likely to yell, threaten to hurt
themselves, pinch, slap, scratch, or kick;
• Boys injure girls more severely and frequently;
• Some teen victims experience violence
occasionally;
• Others are abused more often... sometimes
daily. —“Teen Victim Project,” National Center for
Victims of Crime, http://www. ncvc.org.
• Young people aged 12 to 19 experience the highest
rates—of rape and sexual assault. Teenagers age 18
and 19 experience the highest rates of stalking.
Approximately 1 in 3 adolescent girls in the U.S. is a
victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a
dating partner.
—www.futureswithoutviolence.org.
• is associated with increased risk of substance use,
unhealthy weight control behaviors, sexual risk
behaviors, pregnancy, and suicide.
—Molidor, Tolman, & Kober (2000).
• Abusive relationships have good times and bad
times. What makes dating violence so confusing is
that love is mixed with the abuse. This can make it
hard to tell if you are being abused. If you’re not
sure, see the warning signs checklist. You deserve
to be treated in a loving, respectful way all the time
by your boyfriend or girlfriend.
MYTHS and
ATTITUDES
THE ABUSER
• “A guy needs to be in control of the relationship.”
“Some girls ask for it, that’s why they stay.”
“The girl is to blame when the guy hits her.” “When
a guy gets angry, he can’t help it.”
• “It’s understandable to hit her; maybe next time
she’ll learn not to make me angry.”
THE VICTIM
• “I love him. I’m the only one who can help him.”
• “I shouldn’t have nagged him.”
• “It was my fault he got angry.”
• “If I change, he’ll change.”
DATING VIOLENCE QUIZ
ARE YOU ABUSIVE?
1. Do you constantly check on your partner and
accuse her or him of being with other people?
2. Are you extremely jealous or possessive?
3. Have you hit, kicked, shoved, or thrown things at
your partner?
4. Have you threatened your partner or broken
things in your partner’s presence?
5. Have you forced your partner to have sex with
you or intimidated your partner so that he or she
is afraid to say no?
6. Have you threatened to hurt your partner?
7. Have you threatened to hurt yourself if your
partner breaks up with you?
If one or more of the above questions applies
to your behavior, realize that you are inflicting
physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse
on your partner. If you can recognize that
what you are doing is wrong, then:
1. You do have to take responsibility for your
actions.
2. You can’t blame your behavior on your partner
or others.
3. You can change the way you act if you get
supportive counseling.
4. You can go to the nearest counseling center.
5. You need to do something about it as soon
as possible. If not, it’s going to get worse,
and your violence will increase.
6. You might be breaking the law with your
abusive behavior.
Dating Violence Quiz
ARE YOU BEING
ABUSED?
• Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
• Are you afraid to disagree with your partner?
• Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s
behavior, especially when he or she has treated
you badly?
• Do you have to justify every place you go,
everything you do?
• Does your partner constantly put you down and
then say he or she loves you?
• Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved, or had
things thrown at you?
• Do you not see family or friends or do things just
because of your partner’s jealousy?
• Have you been forced into
• Are you afraid to break up because your partner
has threatened to hurt you himself/herself?
• Do you feel less confident about yourself when
you’re with him or her?
• Do you feel scared or worried about doing or saying
“the wrong thing”?
• Do you find yourself changing your behavior out of
fear or to avoid a fight?
IF ONE OR MORE OF THE ABOVE
QUESTIONS APPLIES TO YOUR
RELATIONSHIP, YOU ARE BEING ABUSED
AND YOU CAN MAKE CHOICES. YOU CAN:
• End the relationship and choose not to see
your partner.
• Get help from someone you trust, preferably
an adult.
• Go to your counseling center at school.
• Call your local domestic violence program.
WARNING SIGNS CHECKLIST
• JEALOUSY. Intense envy and almost paranoia can
lead to isolation of the victim. Example: Girl-friend
cannot look, notice or speak to another male;
cannot go out alone or with friends.
• HOME LIFE. Has experienced violence or witnessed
abusive situations in the home as a child. Example:
Father abuses mother; brother abuses wife or
girlfriend; abused as child by parent or siblings.
• HATES MOTHER. Strong negative feelings toward
mother; talks harshly or degrades mother or
women in general.
• QUICK TEMPER, LOW IMPULSE CONTROL. Will
strike out using violence quickly; easily provoked to
anger; uses a lot of physical aggression to solve
problems.
• SUBSTANCE ABUSE. Uses alcohol and / or drugs
regularly. Example: Abusing person claims, “I
wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t been drunk.”
Victim excuses behavior, “He only hits me when
he’s been drinking.”
• RIGID ROLE EXPECTATIONS. Fantasy approach to
life, women fit into only one role: dependent,
submissive, compliant; men fit only one role: boss,
decision maker, dominant, macho.
• CONTROLLING. Completely rules the
relationship; other person’s point of view not
important; his opinions, attitudes, beliefs must
always prevail.
• DICTATORIAL. Wants absolute control. Example:
Dictates victim’s dress, makeup, hair style,
choice of friends, etc.
• DISPLACED AGGRESSION. Consciously or
unconsciously finding fault with something that is
not related to the problem at hand. Example:
Abuser feels angry because of something that
happens at school, work or home, then hits his
girlfriend.
• HITTING WALLS, THROWING OBJECTS, NAME
CALLING. Gestures that usually lead to physical
violence.
• JEKYLL - HYDE (DUAL) PERSONALITY. Extreme
Mood Swings.
• LOW SELF-ESTEEM. Poor self- image; putting
others down helps him feel better about
himself.
YOUR RIGHTS
You have the right to:
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Express your opinions and have them be respected
Have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs.
Grow as an individual in your own way.
Change your mind.
• Not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior.
• Not be physically, sexually, or emotionally abused.
• Break up with some you are afraid of.
• Be happy and healthy.
Talk to your parents or another adult family
member, a school counselor or teacher, or call
the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or the National Teen
Dating Abuse Hotline at 1-866-331-9474.