Dealing with Challenging Parents
Winter Workshop Presentation
January 23rd 2017
Norfolk Public Schools
Michael Hart: Director of Human Resources
[email protected]
Jake Luhr: Principal: Norfolk Senior High School
[email protected]
Working with
Challenging Parents
Excerpts Taken from:
Dealing with Difficult Parents and with Parents
in Difficult Situations
by Todd Whitaker
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Define “parent”
Webster’s dictionary defines a parent
as: 1) one that begets or brings forth
offspring, 2) a person who brings up
and cares for another
 What is normal?
 95% of our parents are cooperative
and easy to work with. The other
5% may be a bit more challenging.
Define
“challenging parents”:
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Examples from your own experience?
Parents really do want what is best for
their children. Sometimes, they just don’t
go about getting what they want the way
we might want them to.
Today’s Family Structures
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Nuclear
Extended
Stepfamilies
Single Parents
Young parents
Old Parents
Adopted Kids
Foster Homes
Group Homes
More?
Stats
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1940 – 9% of women worked outside
the home.
2010 – 77% of women work outside
the home.
15.45 million children live in poverty:
60% of all children living in single
family homes are below the poverty
level.
Things to Remember:
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Parents are important to the success of
your school.
Seek first to understand, then to be
understood. Demonstrate empathy.
Parents have been challenging for a long
time… 50 -100 years ago and counting….
Parents are doing the best they know how.
Parents are sending you their very best
product.
Parents care about their kids.
Things to Remember:
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You are not the first teacher with which they
have had “issues”
Be careful of your perceptions – Apathy could
actually be respect. “You’re the teacher and I
trust you to take care of it.”
Parents care about their children.
Where are they coming from? Maintain
perspective.
The walls have ears. There is a time and place
for every conversation. You are a public figure.
Applebee’s eavesdropping is common.
You never know who is sitting next to you at the
beauty shop.
Where to Start?
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Change the focus – perception of schools and
teachers is a reality for parents – what do they
think of your school?
Promote the positive. If not you, then who?
Understand parents may have had negative
school experiences themselves.
Examine policies and procedures for
encouraging parental involvement
“No significant learning occurs without a significant
relationship.”
Dr. James Comer
Invest early in a positive manner
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Contacting parents must become part of
what you normally do. All year long.
We all start of school – “undefeated”
Create a saving account with students and
parents. Withdrawals are easier if there is
money in the bank.
Positive Pays Off!
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Positive Phone Calls – Call parents at
work.
Prioritize positive referrals.
Praise with students and parents:
clean, authentic, immediate, specific,
and private.
Inviting Messages – First
impressions, “I'm glad you’re here.”
Building Relationships
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Don’t fret about the people that aren’t there.
Make it special for the people that are there.
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Open House / PT Conferences, etc.
Tell parents they can contact you. The difficult
ones are going to contact you regardless of
whether you invite them or not.
Create and maintain a “zone of indifference”
with parents.
Spread the good news. Something small to
you may not be small at all to parents.
Begin with Yourself.
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Don’t yell… ever.
Sarcasm is a relationship buster.
10 days out of 10. You can’t take a “day off”
in the classroom.
Don’t argue! You cannot win.
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These people are often professionals with loads
of practice. You argue… You lose….always.
Manage what you can control.
Apologize if need be.
“Check yourself before you wreck yourself!”
Know the difference between
“biting and hissing”
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Help people to hiss, not bite
Know the difference
Be less sensitive to the hissing.
Don’t bite back.
REMEMBER.... You don't exist to be
anyone's doormat.
Maintaining your Composure
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Don’t argue.
You are the professional.
There needs to be at least one adult
in the room.
Just because someone says
something negative about you,
doesn’t mean it’s true.
Remain confident.
Check your ego.
Social Media
Not Taking it Personally
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Emails and documentation tips
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Blank recipient line, state facts, not opinions.
If a parent tries to verbally bully you, just
say, "I'm sorry, but I don't allow people to
treat me this way. Perhaps we can
continue this when you have calmed
down."
If they stop, continue; otherwise slowly
and calmly walk away or hang up.
Model the adult voice.
Vent after the fact if needed in a safe
place. Know where your support system is.
The Positive Call
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Make sure you know the correct last
names of the parents / guardians
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Don’t call Mrs. Johnson Mrs. Smith. You
may never know the history.
Make sure you have the right kid.
Know the full story. Get the facts (on
all sides)!
Have a script and a plan.
“Good News” Example Script
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Hi, this is (full name, position and location), I am
sorry to bother you at work (or home),
but…(explain the positive incident in specific,
observable detail.
 For example: (Student name) got a 100% on
the quiz, they helped another student up the
stairs, etc.
Again, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just wanted
to let you know what a great day (___) had
today.
Thanks for taking my phone call.
Have a good day!
Situations
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Parental Concerns
Classroom Rules
What if the parent is right?
Delivering Bad News
Meetings
Parental Concerns
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Take the call or respond in some manner within
24 hours.
Listen to the parent's complaint or concern.
Venting by the parent is an important first step.
If follow up is needed, suggest that the parent
call and set up a mutually convenient meeting.
Give the situation time and give yourself time.
If they want to meet, have them schedule an
appointment.
 Don’t feel pressured into meeting just when
they want to meet.
Know your school policies.
Notify your support group (if needed) of the
meeting. Don’t explain details.
What happens if a parent disagrees
with one of my classroom rules?
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In all cases, design policies in advance
that are best for all students. Carefully
think through your rules and assignments.
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What is the purpose?
Don’t back yourself into a corner with
rules that don’t make sense or that you
can’t defend.
“Zero Tolerance” rules can get you into
trouble.
Don’t get into group punishments or
consequences.
If you are feeling defensive, you might be
wrong.
What if the parent is right?
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Swallow your pride. “I appreciate
you pointing that out to me…”
Honest admission.
Come to a common understanding
about how to move forward together.
Apologize.
Be the first to admit your mistake.
Reframe the experience.
Delivering Bad News
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The worse the news, the more effort
we should put into delivering it.
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Don’t e-mail negative news.
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Deliver bad news in person if possible.
Have your story heard first if
possible.
Don’t say things like, “Well, this is a
really tough class.” The parent only
cares how their child is doing.
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Don’t misdirect the blame.
The Negative
Phone Call
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Make sure you know the correct last
names. Don’t call Mrs. Johnson Mrs.
Smith.
Stay current. Don’t build up bad news.
Make sure you have the right kid!
Have a script and a plan.
Bad News Phone Call Example
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Hi, this is (full name and position at specific
location), “I am sorry to bother you at work (or
home), but I am wondering if I can get your help
with something?”
State the facts of the current situation. Don’t
bring up old news or incidents.
Don’t generalize. “They were grumpy” … “in a bad
mood, were disrespectful”, etc.
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Explain the situation in specific, clear, and observable
terms.
Don’t name other kids involved in the situation.
What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen
again?
Thank you for taking my call.
Make plans for follow up if needed.
The Parent Meeting:
Before the meeting
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Try to find out in advance what they want to meet
about.
Establish procedures to minimize “blindsiding”
Have your facts straight.
Meeting with the parent and student? Your choice.
Maintain your cool.
Greet parents with confidence.
Maintain eye contact. Respect cultural norms.
You are the filter.
Make parents comfortable with the seating
arrangements.
Barriers are obstacles. Sitting behind your desk, etc.
creates distance. Sit next to parents if possible. Close
the gap between you.
During The Meeting
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Lower your voice.
Watch your body language . Keep an open
posture.
Increase your movement. Not your
volume.
Close the gap between you and the parent.
Look them in the eye.
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Avoiding eye contact increases bullying type
behaviors.
Sometimes parents want an ear, not an
answer.
“I am sorry that happened.”
“I understand”
During The Meeting
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The issue is sometimes not even the issue.
Listen…. No really! Look closely and actively
listen.
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When talking with a difficult parent, move
your chair out from behind the desk and place
it close to and in front of the parent.
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Pay attention to what parents are not saying and
that will help you get to the real truth.
This sends a strong, assertive message to the
parent. It says, "I am comfortable and confident in
this situation.“
First contacts can be in the form of a request
for help. “I need your help with something.”
During The Meeting
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Thank the parent for expressing his or her
point of view.
While you should be straightforward and
honest, do not explain any more than
necessary. Don’t ramble.
Maintain your poise and professionalism.
Do NOT allow parents to yell at you, to be
rude, obnoxious or to use foul language.
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If this happens, it is okay to explain that their
behavior is unacceptable and that while you are
more than willing to meet with them, they need to
conduct themselves in a calm and civil manner.
Goals of Dealing with Parents
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Keep Your Focus on the Parent’s
Student.
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Getting other students involved “blurs”
the real issue.
Ask them to clarify what they want.
Monitor your “nonverbals”
"I care about your child."
“We are in this together.”
In Summary!
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Working effectively with parents is a
critical part of your job. Don’t ignore
it.
Work hard to not take it personally
(very difficult, but it can be done).
Even if you truly don’t like the parent
(or the child) they can never know it.
Ask for help if needed. Use your
support system.
Maintain Positive Public Perception.
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Perception is reality
Stories…
… if time!
Questions???
Please let us know if you have additional
questions on this subject.
(402) 644-2500 Ext.11150
[email protected]
(402) 644 - 2529
[email protected]