Who's at my door and why
should I let you in?
Challenges and strategies to
forming relationships with
difficult to reach kids
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
www.yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com
1
The Four Spheres of a Child’s Life
Biology
Family
CHILD
Society
Psychology
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Hardwired
Genetics
Biology
Pre-natal care
Environmental toxins
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Hardwired and Softwired
Temperament
Personality
Intelligence
Psychology
Cognitive activity
Behaviour
Mood - Affect
Self-Esteem
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4
Within or Beyond One’s Control?
Community
School
Friends
Society
Extracurricular activities
Religion
Internet
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Where Life is First Learned
Intact
Blended
Single parent
Adopted
Step
Family
Rules, routines
Conflict management
Emotional expression
Nurturance
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Psychosocial development
 Our progress through
each stage of
development is in part
determined by our
success, or lack of
success, in all the
previous stages.
Eric Erikson and the epigenetic principle.
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We evolve through
social interaction
 Socialization imprints
on personality and our
personality impacts on
others. Their reaction
to our personality then
determines our
socialization… and so
on.
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Walk a mile in their shoes…
Formative experiences
teach us how to interact
with the world.
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We are determined by our
formative experiences
I thought the whole
world was just like me,
until we moved away..
Then I learned I was
different.
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0 – 1 year old
What’s Going on
Developmentally?
The time of attachment
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2 – 4 Year Olds
What’s Going on
Developmentally?
Rapprochement – the
time to venture forth…
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12
5 – 12 Year Olds
What’s Going on
Developmentally?
Cognitive explosion and
moral development
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Teen Boys and Girls
What’s Going on
Developmentally?
Social rapprochement
and developing of
intimate relationships
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Harmful Events

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
Neglect
Emotional abuse
Psychological abuse
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse

Intra-familial vs. Extra-familial
 Witnessing domestic violence
 Loss
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Harmful Events Affect Behaviour
 Behavioral, social, and emotional
problems

higher levels of aggression, anger, hostility,
oppositional behavior, and disobedience; fear,
anxiety, withdrawal, and depression; poor peer,
sibling, and social relationships; low self-esteem.
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It hurts them…
 Cognitive and attitudinal problems

lower cognitive functioning, poor school
performance, lack of conflict resolution skills,
limited problem-solving skills, acceptance of
violent behaviors and attitudes, belief in rigid
gender stereotypes and male privilege.
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…and can last a lifetime.
 Long-term problems


During childhood, harmful events can disrupt the child’s
ability to form meaningful attachments. This in turn
affects relationships with others who may be poised to
help.
Higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms,
increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult
relationships
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Signs of Disturbance
Anxiety and Depression
A feeling associated with
fear or dread for an
negatively anticipated
outcome.
A feeling associated
with a of loss. The loss
can be tangible or
psychological.
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Signs of Disturbance
•Missed school or poor school performance
•Changes in eating and sleeping habits
•Withdrawal from friends and activities once enjoyed
•Persistent sadness and hopelessness
•Problems with authority
•Indecision, lack of concentration or forgetfulness
•Poor self-esteem or guilt
•Overreaction to criticism
•Frequent physical complaints, such as headaches and stomachaches
•Anger and rage
•Lack of enthusiasm, low energy or motivation
•Drug and/or alcohol abuse
•Thoughts of death or suicide
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Signs of Disturbance
Other issues affecting behaviour:
ADD/ADHD
Learning differences
Language and auditory processing disorders
Attachment difficulties
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The World of the Parent(s)

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



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

Perhaps the same as for the child
Domestic violence?
Drug/Alcohol dependency
Depression / Anxiety
Poor self esteem
Guilt? Jealousy? Fear?
Immigration issues if from another country
Custody/access issues
Money
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Worker Characteristics
 Motivation
 School requirement – volunteer hours
 Righting a personal past wrong
 Altruism / charity / good deed
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Take one part child,
one part parent
and one part worker… Blend.
There is AWAYS more than just you and the child
involved in EVERY meeting or interaction:
Child and their history and world
Parent(s) and their history and world
Mentor and their history and world
Agency with rules, expectations and
responsibilities
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Rules, Expectations and
Responsibilities




Confidentiality
Child protection
Reports
…and?
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RESPECT
1. Polite expressions of consideration or
deference
2. Willingness to show consideration or
appreciation
3. To avoid violation of or interference with
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Support without interfering boundaries





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Active listening
Reflecting the message
Avoidance of Argument
Avoidance of Control
Unconditional positive regard
Willingness for another to be separate
Carl Rogers – The Person-Centred Relationship
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Structure/Routine
 Check in with parent before and after
 Check in with child – tune in – before and after
 Have a regular format - a beginning and an
end
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Pace
 Rapport is a byproduct of relationship building
over time
 The turtle vs. the hare
 The goal is the relationship – not the fun.
 Fun is a tool for building the relationship, not
an end in itself!
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Beginnings
 There is no reason to expect trust
 Trust is earned over time
 Trust is built as a byproduct of decency, manners,
appropriate behaviour and BEING ON TIME –
EVERYTIME.
 Trust is also a function of permission – approval
from the parent for the child’s activity!
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Endings
 May mirror past losses
 May seek to avoid with poor behaviour
 Is best when by mutual consent
 Transition vs. loss
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Managing Behaviour
How you respond will determine
what you get back.
Here’s how it all works…
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
The story of the two dogs…
The dog that wins is the
one your feed.
Which dog do you feed?
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Set Up For Success
Always have children's
attention when talking and
give them all the
information necessary to do
what is expected,
appropriate to their level of
understanding.
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
The Power Of Feedback
Provide the right information so children
know what you want. Provide feedback
to let children know they are on the right
track to help the desired behaviour get
repeated.
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Key Ingredients to Self Esteem
•Valuing
•Competency
•Structure.
•Doing good deeds
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Praise And Self Esteem
Praise is necessary but not sufficient.
To facilitate healthy self-esteem provide
generous amounts of valuing,
opportunities to develop competency,
opportunities for doing good deeds, and
structure.
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
Negotiating
Negotiating offers a process where
both sides can come away winners.
Sometimes parents have to remember
to let go a little.
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RAISING KIDS
WITHOUT RAISING CANE
You are always on!
Be aware of how you are interacting while in
the company of children. Children are more
aware than we sometimes realize. Children
will always learn more from what we do
than what we say.
We call this… Role Modelling.
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Who's at my door and why
should I let you in?
I am at your door and I am here to be your
mentor –a partner in your development. I
will respect our differences, work to gain
your trust and through activities and our
time together, present myself as a positive
role model.
www.yoursocialworker.com
40
Who's at my door and why
should I let you in?
Challenges and strategies to
forming relationships with
difficult to reach kids
Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
www.yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com
41