Play the No-­‐Fault Zone® Game ©2014 Kindle-­‐Hart Communica2on. All rights reserved. 1 What Game Players say: I’ve not yet found a more friendly, simple, portable, effec2ve and elegant entrée into the world of Nonviolent Communica2on than the No-­‐Fault Zone® Game.—Douglas P. Dolstad, cerBfied Nonviolent CommunicaBon Trainer for 20 years The No-­‐Fault Zone Game is flexible and dynamic, adap2ng to the organic process of the individuals doing the work. It provides a powerful kinesthe2c experience that facilitates self-­‐knowledge, self sharing, and change. —Nelle Moffet, University of California Psychology Professor This is brilliant! Having the visuals and the cards makes NVC do-­‐able. If I’d had this Game in school I wouldn't be in prison now. —Inmate, Twin Rivers CorrecBonal InsBtuBon, WA By puPng the conflict on the table, the Game provides an objec2ve perspec2ve and a safe way to proceed. —Rick Bower, Professional Mediator This is a fabulous tool for the counselor's office! Kids really enjoy it. —Elizabeth Dequine, school counselor, Bainbridge, WA We regularly use the No-­‐Fault Zone Game in our family to collaborate to solve challenges. —Jessica Smith, Glouster, OH 2 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Manual This Game Manual provides direcBons for the 5 No-­‐Fault Zone games we play most oSen. We hope you find it clear & useful. Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson with Penny Vine and Kyra Freestar AddiBonal resources you may enjoy: -­‐The No-­‐Fault Zone website: www.thenofaultzone.com -­‐The Game InstrucHon Booklet (free download at www.thenofaultzone.com) -­‐The No-­‐Fault Classroom book provides direcBons for making your own No-­‐Fault Zone Game, as well as acBviBes to use with the Game. You can read about our No-­‐Fault Classroom curriculum as well as our other two books, The Compassionate Classroom and RespecYul Parents, RespecYul Kids at www.thenofaultzone.com. 3 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game for Families d Mom, Da
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4 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game for Classrooms 5 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game for Staff Development in Schools, in Businesses, in Non-­‐Profits 6 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game for Connec2ng Conversa2ons —worldwide— 7 Contents •  Goal & Benefits 9 •  NFZ Game Materials 10-­‐12 •  GePng Started 13 •  Feeling Thermometer 14 • 5 Basic Games 1. Self-­‐Empathy 16 2. Empathy for Others 17 3. Connec2ng Conversa2ons 18-­‐20 4. D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger 21-­‐22 5. Dig for the Gold 23-­‐25 • GePng to Calm Alert 26-­‐27 • No-­‐Fault Zone Flow Chart 28 • Family Games 29 • Stay Connected to The No-­‐Fault Zone 30 8 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Goal & Benefits Goal The goal of the Game is connec2on, with oneself and with others. Benefits Get clarity about a situaBon. Deepen understanding about oneself and others. Achieve peace of mind. Solve a problem. Navigate a conflict. Find soluBons that work for everyone. 9 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Materials Included in Each Game 2 Game Mats (Internal OperaBng System Mats) 2 Card Decks (Each Deck contains Needs, Feelings & Choices Cards) 2 Tokens 1 InstrucHon Page 1 Envelope 10 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Materials for Each Player Game Mat The Game Mat is designed to give you a “read-­‐
out” about what is going on in you internally. It gives you informaBon about yourself the way controls on a jet’s instrument panel give a pilot informaBon about how a plane is funcBoning. Feeling, Need and Choice Card Decks Each Card Deck contains red Feeling cards, gold Need cards, green Choice cards and Blank cards in each color so you can add to your Card Deck. (Card Decks with pictures are also available.) Token Each player has one plasBc token to use with the Feeling Thermometer. 11 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Feeling, Need and Choice Card Decks Need Cards provide vocabulary for our Universal Human Needs: the disBnct qualiBes that comprise all human experience, give life meaning, and moBvate us to acBon. Feeling Cards provide vocabulary for a range of feelings that we may be experiencing, moment to moment. Choice Cards provide some opBons for acBon, reminding us that we always have choices about how to respond. 12 The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game GeSng Started . . . Sit at a table or on the floor—where you can be comfortable and where you have enough space to place the Game Mat in front of you. Remove the Card Decks and the plasBc token from the small plasBc bag and place them on the playing surface. 13 How to Play the No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Take Your Internal Temperature with the Feeling Thermometer The green, horizontal band at the bokom of the Game Mat is a Feeling Thermometer. It serves as a gauge of your feeling state. It can help you noBce when you are funcBoning at your best—in a state of Calm Alert— or when you are far from it, either “very cold” (numb, shut down, depressed) or “very hot” (agitated, upset, angry). Place your plasBc token on the thermometer to indicate “where you are now.” When you are aware of your inner feeling state, you can make beker choices about your acBons. And, you can find ways that work to shiS your energy and Get to Calm Alert—the emoBonal state where you have the widest range of choices and can take the most effecBve acBon to support your well-­‐being. 14 How to Play The No-­‐Fault Zone® Game Choose Your Game 1. Self-­‐Empathy 16 2. Empathy for Others 17 3. ConnecBng ConversaBons 18-­‐20 4. D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger 21-­‐22 5. Dig for the Gold 23-­‐25 15 Game 1: Take a Time-­‐In for Self-­‐Empathy (for one player)
1. 
Take your temperature on the Feeling Thermometer. If your token is at the edge (or off the mat), consider an Energy ShiV (pp. 26–27) or play the D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger Game (pp. 21-­‐22). 2. 
What’s the situaBon? Write a clear observaBon on a post-­‐it note & put it on the blue ObservaBons area of the mat. 3. 
Select the Choice Card Connect with my Feelings & Needs. 4. 
Sort through the Feeling Card Deck and place the Feeling cards that match your feelings on the red Feelings area of the mat. 5.  Sort through the Need Card Deck and place the Need cards for what makers to you on the gold Needs area of the mat. 16 Game 2: Empathy for Others (for one or two players)
When you’re curious and genuinely want to know how someone else is feeling and what they’re needing, select the Choice card Connect with their Feelings & Needs. • By Yourself: Use a Game Mat and Card Deck to imagine into what’s going on in another person. Select and lay down cards that you imagine might describe the feelings and needs of that person. • With Another Person: (A) The other person puts Feeling and Need cards on their mat. You read what their cards say—silently or aloud. OR (B) The other person places Feeling cards on their mat. You guess their needs by laying down Need cards on their mat. Then ask: (Are you feeling ____________ because you need _______________?) 17 Game 3: Connec2ng Conversa2ons (for two players)
PrecondiHons for a ConnecHng ConversaHon: If two people want to have a conversaBon, but either one is angry or unable to listen, they will benefit from, first, geong empathy (from themselves, see Game 1 (pp. 16) or from someone else, see Game 2 (pp. 17) or by playing the D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger Game (pp. 21-­‐22). 1. Two people agree to address a parBcular situaBon. They sit at a table, facing each other, with Game Mats and Card Decks in front of them. 2. Each person places their own Feeling and Need cards on their mat (self-­‐empathy). 18 Game 3: Connec2ng Conversa2ons (cont.) 3. When players are ready for conversaBon, they change places and look at the other person’s internal space represented by the Feeling and Need cards on their mat. 4. Players take turns reading aloud the Feelings and Needs of the other person, and asking: Is this what what you wanted me to hear? Is there anything else? 5. If a player has quesBons about any of the Need cards, he or she asks for clarity. 6. When both players have been fully heard, they return to their places. 7. Players then make changes to the cards on their mats to reflect their present feelings and needs. 19 Game 3: Connec2ng Conversa2ons (cont.) If two players want to find a solu2on to a problem or conflict: 1.  Players place their mats so they touch at the top and form a Golden Circle of Needs. 2. Players consider all the needs in the circle. 3. Players ask the Problem-­‐Solving Ques2on: What can we do that will address all the needs? 20 Game 4: D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger (for one player)
DETECT that you are angry. NOTICE the sensaBons in your body: Are you feeling heat anywhere? ... Tense shoulders? ... Tight gut? ... Clenched jaw? Accelerated heartbeat …? Sweaty palms …? EXAMINE “should” thoughts. When we entertain “should” thoughts, we feel angry. Although situaBons may trigger our anger, “should” thinking is the root cause of it. Examine “should” thoughts by wriBng them down: He should listen to me. ... I shouldn’t have said that. ... They shouldn’t exclude. ... FOCUS on shiSing your energy. TAKE YOUR TEMP on the Feeling Thermometer. If you are out on the edge or off the mat, ask someone for support or do a self-­‐calming movement acBvity. (See Energy ShiS to Calm Alert pp. 26–27.) 21 Game 4: D.E.F.U.S.E. Anger (cont.)
UNCOVER the NEED behind the anger. Each “should” thought contains a buried Golden Need. Uncover the need and state the need. Ex: “Should” thought: He should listen to me. | Uncover the need: To Be Heard State the need: I want TO BE HEARD. “Should” thought: She shouldn’t call people names. | Uncover the need: Respect State the need: I want RESPECT for all people. SIT quietly for at least one minute, holding the Need card(s) that you discovered. Reflect on how important the need or needs are to you. EXPLORE possible acBons you can take to meet your need(s). What REQUESTS do you want to make of yourself, or of someone else, to help meet these important needs? . 22 Game 5: Dig for the Gold
(for one player)
When you find yourself in The Fault Zone: NoHce how you got there: The Choice Cards—Complain, Blame, Judge, Demand, Get Angry, Get Defensive, Yell
—are common examples of choices that take us directly to The Fault Zone. Each of these responses is made up of judgmental thinking that finds fault. What choice did you make that landed you in The Fault Zone? (NoBce without judging yourself as bad or wrong.) When you no2ce this, remember: You always have a choice. You can conBnue to complain, blame, judge, or demand, etc., and see how that plays out. Another choice is to dig underneath your judgments to find the Golden Needs—the life energy that exists at every moment, underneath all thoughts and judgments—and see how that plays out. What you can do next... 23 Game 5: Dig for the Gold (cont.)
—How to Dig for the Gold— 1.  Take a breath and noBce how you are feeling in your body. Any tension? Heat? Discomfort? Check where you are on the Feeling Thermometer. If you’re not at Calm-­‐
Alert, do an Energy ShiSer. (See pp. 26-­‐27 for a few Energy ShiSers.) 2. To acknowledge the thinking that contributes to how you are feeling, take another breath, and noBce any judgments. Share these thoughts with an empathic friend or write them on a post-­‐it note and sBck the on the Fault Zone of your mat. Ex: It’s his fault that I’m feeling so upset. 3. Make an observaBon about the situaBon. To acknowledge your choice, select the Make an ObservaRon Choice card and place it to the right of your mat. Ex: He raised his voice and said “You don’t care.” 4. Select the Choice card that says Connect with my Feelings and Needs, and place it to the right of the mat, below the previous Choice card. 24 Game 5: Dig for the Gold (cont.)
5. Sort through the Feeling Card Deck, and idenBfy your feelings. Place cards describing your current feelings in the red Feelings area of your mat. Ex: I feel upset. 6. Sort through the Need Card Deck, and place in the gold Needs area of your mat the Need cards that describe what’s most important to you in this situaBon. Ex: I need understanding, and kindness. 7. Sit for a few minutes reflecBng on your needs and how important they are to you. 8. Check where you are on the Feeling Thermometer. 9. Choose what you want to do next. 25 GeSng to Calm-­‐Alert – 3 Energy ShiVers Try using these exercises when an energy shiS is needed and/or as a way to start the morning. #1 Heart Breathing: Energy ShiVer (Adapted from Heart Lock-­‐In AcBvity, HeartMath-­‐-­‐ Created by Doc Childre www.heartmath.org) 1. Think of something you are grateful for, something that makes you smile. It could be a pet, a person, a tree or flower. 2. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and relax. 3. Take 5 slow breaths. 4. Place your hands on the center of your chest. 5. Think of the thing that makes you smile. Breathe in grateful energy that it is in your life. Breathe this feeling into the chest area, under your hands. 6. Take 5 more slow breaths while you conBnue to feel the energy of graBtude throughout your body. 26 #2 Balancing-­‐Stabilizing-­‐Energizing: Cross Crawl (From Brain Gym -­‐ also called EducaBonal Kinesiology. Developed by Paul Dennison, Ph.D. www.braingym.com) 1. Stand straight with weight distributed equally on both legs. 2. LiS your right arm and your leS leg at the same Bme (as if marching). 3. As you let them down, raise your leS arm and right leg. 4. Repeat this sequence and exaggerate the liS of your leg while swinging the opposite arm across the midline of your body and touching your elbow to your knee. 5. ConBnue in this exaggerated march, as slowly and smoothly as you can for two minutes. While you do this, breathe deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth. #3 Energizing-­‐Stabilizing: Tekubi Furi (hand shaking) (Adapted from Aikido -­‐ a nonviolent marBal art founded by Morihei Ueshiba, 1883-­‐1963. It is a way to reconcile the world & make human beings one family not to fight or start war.) 1. Stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, with your weight mostly on the balls of your feet. Keep knees slightly bent and relaxed. 2. With arms at your sides, let your hands shake very loosely and quickly. Let the moBon cause your heels to bounce slightly up and down (about 20 seconds). 3. For a moment, stop shaking and just stand there and noBce the sensaBon. Scan your body for sensaBons: What do you noBce? 27 The No-Fault Zone® Flow Chart
The situaBon : Self Empathy: Take a Time In
• Where am I on the Feeling Thermometer?
What do I feel? What do I need?
• What can I do to get to Calm Alert?
or
Get Empathy: Talk with a neutral person.
Check your feelings and intentions.
If Feelings are: upset, angry If IntenBons are: I want to be right; I want to get my way; I want to punish If Feelings are: open, curious If IntenBons are: I want to understand; I want to connect I choose to:
EMPATHIZE with the other person.
Listen for their Feelings & Needs
or
I choose to:
EXPRESS MYSELF
& Needs
State my Feelings
28 Family Games Daily • Quick Check-­‐In: How was your day? Each person chooses a Feeling and a Need card to share. Weekly Family MeeRngs • Draw a Need card Talk about what it means to you. • Draw a Feeling card Talk about Bmes you feel that way. • Draw a Choice card Talk about when you make that choice. 29 Ways to Stay Connected, Learn More, & Share What Excites You •  Read our books—share with friends and teachers. •  No-­‐Fault Zone Game – take an Associate Training •  Join RespecYul Parents, RespecYul Kids Webinars and Study Groups •  Invite us to do a Parent, Teacher, School Workshop •  Contact us for Private ConsulBng 30 Thank You for playing! Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson!
Kindle-Hart Communication
P.O. Box 24346 • Ventura, CA 93002
805.653.0261 or 805.698.3332 • [email protected]
www.thenofaultzone.com
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