Positive Parenting Young
children (3-10)
John Sharry
www.solutiontalk.ie
© John Sharry 2009
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Parenting - An important note
THERE IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY TO BRING UP
CHILDREN
What matters is finding a way that works for you, your
children and your family
BE CAREFUL ABOUT PARENTING EXPERTS
Trust your own intuition and test ideas in your own
experience
© John Sharry 2009
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Parents Plus Programmes
Video based parenting courses developed by the
Parents Plus Charity in the Mater Hospital
www.parentsplus.ie
© John Sharry 2009
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Parents Plus Programmes www.parentsplus.ie
Evidence-based, practical parenting courses
Parents Plus Early Years Programme ( 1- 6
year olds) John Sharry, Grainne Hampson, Mary Fanning
Parents Plus Childrens Programme (6-11 year
olds)
John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick
Parents Plus Adolescents Programme (11 – 16
years olds) John Sharry, Carol Fitzpatrick
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POSITIVE PARENTING
Being loving,
Caring
Encouraging
© John Sharry 2009
POSITIVE DISCIPLINE
Being firm,
Able to set rules
Teach child to behave
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PARENT MAKES
DECISIONS
Guide and protect
children
© John Sharry 2009
CHILD MAKES
DECSIONS
Encouraging
Independence
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CARING FOR
PARENTS
Worklife balance
Sef care
© John Sharry 2009
CARING FOR
CHILDREN
positive parenting
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button
Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention
Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children
Step 4 Encouragement and Praise
Step 5 Establishing Good Routines
Step 6 Setting Rules with Children
Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour
Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems
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Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
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Step 1
‘Press the Pause Button’
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Classic Problem Pattern
Child
Misbehaves
Parent/ child
Feel upset
Relationship
Suffers
Parent criticizes/
reacts angrily
Child
Escalates
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Pressing the Pause Button
•  Pressing the pause button is about
realising you have a choice about
how you respond
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A Different Response
Child behaves better
Child
Misbehaves
Parent presses
pause button
Parent feels confident
Child feels contained
Relationship improves
Parent chooses
Effective response
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button
2) Thinking Up Solutions
3) Agreeing a Plan
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Step 2
‘The Power of Positive Attention’
© John Sharry 2009
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Negative Attention Pattern
Child
Misbehaves
Parent/ child
Feel upset
Relationship
Suffers
Parent criticizes/
reacts angrily
Child
Escalates
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Positive Attention cycle
Child behaves
well
Parent/ child
Relationship
improves
Parent notices,
praises
Child enjoys praise
Parent feels good
© John Sharry 2009
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Building your relationship with your child
“Putting Money in the Bank”
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Buiding your relationship with your child
Making a Deposit
Question for discussion
•  When in the day do you find you get on best
with or have the best chats with your child?
•  When do you really enjoy being with your
child?
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Putting money in the relationship bank
– ‘Making a connection’
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
Usually one to one time with child
Good time of day, when child is open
Activity that child enjoys or is interested in
Ideally an activity parent loves also
Activity that allows for chatting and talking
Regularly occuring time – ideally daily
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Deposits – Building your Relationship with
your child p23
•  Setting aside time to play
• Praise and encouragement
• Special chats
• Going on a walk together
• Setting aside time to do an
activity your child really
enjoys
• Teaching your child
something
• Letting your child teach you
something
Reading together at bedtime
• Affection and cuddles
• Caring
• Expressing positive feelings
• Listening to your child’s
news
• Keeping a promise to your
child
• Soothing your child when
they are upset.
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Step 3
‘Play and Special Time with
Children’
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Positive Parenting cycle
Parents sets
time aside to
play with child
Parent/ child
Relationship
improves
Child enjoys
play
Child and parent feel
close and connected
© John Sharry 2009
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The Importance of Play and Special Time
with Children
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
Helps you understand and enjoy your child
Brings parent and child closer together
Encourages children’s learning
Boosts child’ self-esteem
Reduces behaviour problems
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The Best Way to Play with Children
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
Set aside a special time .
Spend one-on-one time with children .
Choose interactive, imaginative activities
Follow the child’s lead
Encourage Children in Play
Use everyday activities as well as playtime
Enjoy and have fun!
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button
Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention
Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children
Step 4 Encouragement and Praise
Step 5 Establishing Good Routines
Step 6 Setting Rules with Children
Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour
Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems
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Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
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Exercise- take a pause
p 33
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button
Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention
Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children
Step 4 Encouragement and Praise
Step 5 Establishing Good Routines
Step 6 Setting Rules with Children
Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour
Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems
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Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
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Principle
‘Solving Childhood Problems
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Solving Childhood Problems
1)  Pressing the Pause Button
Take a moment to step back from problem
What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In
What is going on for me as a parent?
What is going on for my child?
What strategies have worked best in the past?
3) Agreeing a Plan
What is the best way to respond?
How can I prevent problem from happening
again
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3) Agreeing a Plan
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Step 6
‘Establishing Rules with Children’
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What rules should you set with children?
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The power of Positive Instructions
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Switching Donts to Dos
Don’t
•  Don’t get angry like that
Do
•  Please use your nice
voice
•  Don’t put that there
•  Put it here?/Let me show
you
•  Don’t fight with your brother
•  Lets see the two of you
getting on
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Step 7
‘Responding to Misbehaviour’
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Responding to Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button
Take a moment to step back from problem
What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In
What is going on for my child?
What is going on for me as a parent?
3) Choose a response
What is the best way to respond now?
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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
5) 
6) 
Positive Instructions
Distractions
Soothing/ acknowledging feelings
Praise Ignore principle
Using Consequences and choices
Take protective action
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Creating a Discipline plan
•  Essentially good discipline is about having a
clear plan of action
•  Ideally, you have a step by step set of
strategies that you can take in response to
your child’s misbehaviour
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Positive Discipline- Step by Step plan
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
5) 
Press the pause button
Positive Instruction – ‘ssh lets use a quiet voice
Distraction - ‘Look, lets play with the blocks’
Soothing – ‘ I know its hard... Lets calm down’
Praise Ignore – e.g ignore whining when tidying
up and praise small steps.. ‘You put the first
block in – good boy’
6)  Consequence – ‘ when blocks in the box, then
you can have Teddy’
7)  Back up Consequence ‘if you hit out you will
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have to sit on the Time Out chair’
Good Consequences
•  Are not severe (only have to be small to work)
•  Affect the child and not the parent
•  Are immediate and related to misbehaviour (e.g. Toys put
away for a minute if not sharing’)
•  Start small and can slowly increase
•  Are repeatable and don’t run out
•  Ideally a warning is given, so child has a choice to behave
•  Are delivered respectfully and calmly
•  Are explained in advance to child
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Planned Consequences and Sanctions
•  Choose a repeatable sanction that you can easily use in
most situations ( Pocket money, Time Out, TV time)
•  Think through ‘what, where, how’ of system in advance
and make sure to explain to children in advance
•  Wan child of consequence ‘if you hit out again you will
have to take a time out’ – Emphasise choice
•  Follow through calmly – ‘ let the consequence do the
work, not the anger’
•  Never run out of sanctions, have sequence of them
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Step by Step Discipline Plan – Older child
1)  Remain calm and respectful
2)  Focus on positive options for your child – ‘ I want you to ..
OR you cant.. , but you can
3)  Acknowledge feelings ‘ I know you feel upset
4)  Address disrespect ‘ Please speak politely
5)  End conversation if disrespect continues ‘ I can only speak to
you when you speak politely to me’
6)  Use consequences – If you continue to be rude you will have
to take a Time out
7)  If you wont go to Time Out you will lose pocket money
8)  If rudeness/ aggression continues, take action – e.g. Walk
away
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9)  Follow up later to talk through when things are calmer
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Positive Discipline- Positive Responses
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
5) 
6) 
Positive Instructions
Distractions
Soothing/ acknowledging feelings
Praise Ignore principle
Using Consequences and choices
Take protective action
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button
2) Tuning In
3) Agreeing a Plan
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Exercise- take a pause
1) Think of ongoing problem in your
home
2)Tune into your child to understand
what might be going on
3) Now think of a step by step plan for
responding
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Principle
Prevention Plans
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Positive Prevention- Plan in Advance
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
Set aside play time – enjoy your child
Good routines - e.g bedtime, morning time, etc
Avoid problem situation, e.g busy supermarket
Encourage good behaviour e.g. Make a big deal
anytime she minds brother
5)  Take time to teach child how to behave e.g. How
to dress themselves, How to share
6)  Use picture charts and rewards
7)  Prioritise own self care and relaxation
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Positive Prevention – Two great principles
•  Establishing a Positive Routine – Teaching child a
good habit that shows the good behaviour you
want.
•  Problem Solving - Sitting down and talking
problem through with child
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Principle
Establishing Routines
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Establishing Routines in Homes
•  Good routines are essential in famlies
•  Good routines reduce misbeahviour and
create good behaviour habits
•  Establishing routines takes time and
patience. Key is to
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
Have a clear positive goal for the routine
Break the routine down into steps
Explain routine in advance
Use a reward system to get the routine www.solutiontalk.ie
going
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Principle
Problem Solving With Children
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Problem Solving with Children
1)  Solving Problems Together
•  Pick a good place and time to talk
•  Start Positive and State Goal
2) Listen to Everyone
•  Listen to Child – help child say what they think and feel
•  State your own point of view respectfully
3) Think Up Solutions
•  Ask child to come up with ideas first
•  Focus on what has worked in past
4) Agree a plan
•  What ideas will leave everyone feeling happy
•  Arrange a time meet again to discuss
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Positive Parenting Young
children (3-10)
Part 3
John Sharry
© John Sharry 2009
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Principle
‘Solving Childhood Problems
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Solving Childhood Problems
1)  Pressing the Pause Button
Take a moment to step back from problem
What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In
What is going on for me as a parent?
What is going on for my child?
What strategies have worked best in the past?
3) Agreeing a Plan
What is the best way to respond?
How can I prevent problem from happening
again
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3) Agreeing a Plan
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Further talks and information
Parenting Articles and Features
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Parenting Talks
Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March
Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april
Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april
Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April
www.solutiontalk.ie/events
Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page
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Q&A: [email protected]
More information
Articles and Information www.solutiontalk.ie
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@JohnSharryIRL
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Further Family Seminars
•  Promoting positive self-esteem in children
•  'Overcoming Bullying and Helping Children Get Along’
•  'Helping Children make Good Choices about
Alcohol, Drugs and Sex’
•  Overcoming anxiety and worries
•  'Positive Family Relationships
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Positive Parenting – Nine Steps
Step 1 Pressing the Pause Button
Step 2 The Power of Positive Attention
Step 3 Play and Special Time with Children
Step 4 Encouragement and Praise
Step 5 Establishing Good Routines
Step 6 Setting Rules with Children
Step 7 Responding to Misbehaviour
Step 8 Planned Sanction Systems
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Step 9 Problem Solving with Children
Positive Parenting
‘Be encouraging/ build your
children’s self-esteem’
© John Sharry 2009
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Encouraging Self-Esteem - Summary
1.  Help your child discover and express their
strengths and talents
2.  Praise and encourage your child’s positive
qualities not positive results
3.  Encourage Responsibility and Skill Mastery
4.  Help your children contribute socially
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Step 4
‘Become positive and encouraging’
© John Sharry 2009
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Positive Encouragement cycle
Child behaves
well
Parent/ child
Relationship
improves
Parent notices,
praises
Child enjoys praise
Parent feels good
© John Sharry 2009
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Becoming an Encouraging parent
Critical Parent
•  That’s not right
Encouraging Parent
•  Try it like this…good boy
•  Why are you so aggressive?
•  I know you can be kind and
considerate with your
brother.. Lets see more of
that
•  Don’t get angry like that
•  I know you are upset at
having to leave
•  Why ddn’t you pick the blue
block?
•  Oh you picked the green
block, you like green
© John Sharry 2009
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Principle
‘Encourage Responsibility and Skill
Mastery’
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Encouraging Responsibility
Don’t’ do for a child anything
That they can do for themselves
1)  Skill mastery in everyday chores and
activities is a big source of self-esteem.
2)  Much conflict is caused by parents taking
too much responsibilty for children
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Tasks to teach your child
Young Child
•  Feeding oneself
•  Getting dressed
•  Tidying room
•  Helping with cooking meals
•  Helping with laundry
•  Helping with weekly
shopping
•  Washing-up
Others...................................•
Older Child/ Teen
•  Mowing the grass•
•  Painting a room•
•  Paying bills•
•  Locking doors at night•
•  Changing the oil in the car•
•  Mending an electric fuse•
•  Wiring an electric plug•
•  Caring for a younger child•
Others...................................•
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Encouraging Self-Esteem/Responsibility
1.  What personal/ household tasks can each
of your children complete?
2.  What tasks are they ready to learn next?
3.  What responsibilities are they ready to
take on?
4.  How can you teach these new tasks in a
fun way?
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Solving Childhood Problems
1) Pressing the Pause Button
2) Tuning In
3) Agreeing a Plan
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Problem Example 1 – Sibling Rivalry
Two boys are always fighting, constant
tension. One boy always seems to be
picking on the other, who runs crying to the
parent who punishes first child.
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Sibling Rivlary
1) Press the pause button
•  Parents usually reacts by trying to referee the
children’s fighting – getting involved trying to
decide who is wrong and then disciplining this
child.
•  Inadvertently she is siding with the younger child.
This can leave the older boy feeling defensive and
•  more likely to misbehave and the younger boy to
continue to be a victim.
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Step by Step Discipline Plan
Example – siblings fighting
1. Positive Instruction - ‘Listen guys, lets all share/ lets take
turns’,
PAUSE
2. Remind/ Encourage - ‘The two of you are so good at
sharing’./ ‘ I know the two of you can get on’
PAUSE
3. Consequence - ‘The toys get put away, until you share’
PAUSE
4. Consequence 2 – Ssh, When you calm, down the toy comes
back’ .
PAUSE
5. Consequence 2 – Be kind, or you will both have to separate
for a minute’.
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Responding to Problems
© John Sharry 2009
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Prevention Plan – Sibling Rivalry
1.  Set aside one-to-one time with each child, when you can enjoy their
company and listen to them alone.
2.  Set up playtime with both children supporting them playing
cooperatively together e.g. Put them on the same team
3.  Encourage together – you are great brothers sharing like that
4.  Always encourage both - J put out the plates and B you did the cutlery
5.  Use a team picture chart e.g. Working as a team in the morning.
6.  Problem Solve together - sit down with both children and help them
discuss ways they can get on. The focus is on finding a solution rather
than analysing who is wrong.
7.  Problem Solve individually - sit down with each child, without taking
sides, listen to their perspective and help them find a solution - ‘How
can you get on with your sister?’
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Example 3 – Homework and Study
•  Child appears little motivated in study and
homework has become a battle between
parent and child. Parent thinks child is
‘lazy’or not applying himself and parent is
very worried about the child failing exams
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Solving Childhood Problems
1)  Pressing the Pause Button
Take a moment to step back from problem
What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In
What is going on for me as a parent?
What is going on for my child?
What strategies have worked best in the past?
3) Agreeing a Plan
What is the best way to respond?
How can I prevent problem from happening
again
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Homework - Plan of action
Discipline Plan
1)  Set up a clear homework routine in the house ( with natural
reward and consequence)
2)  Dailiy, check what homework child has ( or study plan) and
help child plan
3)  Be around to support child doing homework, but don’t into
criticism or cajoling
4)  Have a ritual of reviewing what homework has been done
( what have you learnt today?)
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Homework - Plan of action
Prevention Plan
1) 
2) 
3) 
4) 
5) 
6) 
7) 
Sit down and problem solve with your child around study and
homework. Tune into your child and understand what is the issue for
your child doing homework
Agree a routine and reward deal with your child around study and
homework
Work closely with school about homework and study routine. Get extra
help as needed
Discovers what really What could really motivate your child around
this?
Change your own perspective on study, back off and let child take
responsbility. Think through a plan B on education
Encourages child in doing other activities that child is good at (to build
self-esteem etc.).
set aside a daily connecting time with the child (which
is study free)
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Example 2 – Anxious Child
•  Child is very anxious a lot of the time,
expressing worries about loads of different
things. Parent alternates between spending
lots of time trying to reassure the child
becoming really anxious themselves OR
becomes exasperated and dismisses the
worries angrily
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Solving Childhood Problems
1)  Pressing the Pause Button
Take a moment to step back from problem
What way am I reacting? What pattern am I caught into?
2) Tuning In
What is going on for me as a parent?
What is going on for my child?
What strategies have worked best in the past?
3) Agreeing a Plan
What is the best way to respond?
How can I prevent problem from happening
again
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Anxiety - Plan of action
Discipline Plan
1)  Parent remains calm when dealing with worries
2)  Sets aside a daily worry time, when childs worries
will be talked about BUT at other times parent will
not engage in worry talk.
3)  Outside worry time, parent will distract or gently
move on from worries, ‘Lets talk about something
else now.’
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Anxiety - Plan of action
Prevention Plan
1.Parent takes time to address causes of worries where possible.
2) During worry time, parent listens empathically andencourages
child to come up with solutions, ‘What can we do to help?’
3) Parent coaches child in relaxation or stress management
techniques
4) Encourages child in doing other ‘worry free’ happy activities
that child is good at (to build self-esteem etc.).
5) Parents set aside a daily playtime with the child (which is worry
free)
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Principle
‘Positive Parenting
Starts with You’
© John Sharry 2009
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Start with caring for yourself
© John Sharry 2009
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Principle
‘Positive Parenting
Starts with You’
© John Sharry 2009
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Start with caring for yourself
© John Sharry 2009
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Principle
‘Encourage Responsibility and Skill
Mastery’
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Encouraging Responsibility
Don’t’ do for a child anything
That they can do for themselves
1)  Skill mastery in everyday chores and
activities is a big source of self-esteem.
2)  Much conflict is caused by parents taking
too much responsibilty for children
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Encouraging Responsibility
· 1) What chores/ responsibilities do your
children currently have?
· 2) What responsibilities could you handover
to them?
· 3) How could you teach them these chores/
skills in a fun empowering way?
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Further talks and information
Parenting Articles and Features
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Parenting Talks
Positive Parenting Teenagers CORK Saturday 12th March
Helping Teenager overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 11th april
Helping young children overcome anxiety DUBLIN Mon 18th april
Bulding children and teenagers self-esteem DUBLIN Mon 25th April
www.solutiontalk.ie/events
Parents Plus courses www.parentsplus.ie- Parent Page
www.facebook.com/solutiontalk
www.solutiontalk.ie
Q&A: [email protected]
Positive Parenting cycle
Parents sets
time aside to
play with child
Parent/ child
Relationship
improves
Child enjoys
play
Child and parent feel
close and connected
© John Sharry 2009
www.solutiontalk.ie
Positive Parenting - Summary
•  * Commit to having a daily ‘parent time’ for yourself ( even ten
minutes) doing something you like ( e.g. having a walk) when you can
relax or take time to reflect.
•  * Make sure to have a regular one to one time with each of your
children, in play or just chatting and talking or doing something you
both enjoy.
•  * Become aware of the times you respond positively to your child’s
request for attention.
* Practice being encouraging and always focusing on positive first
•  * In conflict, remember to pause and try to hold expressing too many
negative emotions.
•  * Practice first tuning into your child first and understanding their
point of view.
© John Sharry 2009
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Principle
‘Tune into your Children’
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Tuning into your children
•  Understanding how your children think, how they
feel and how they see the world...
•  Being empathic/ ‘Getting inside their head’
•  Sensitive to their developmental stage
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Tuning into your children
•  What does your child really love to do?
•  What is their favourite way to play/ spend
time with you?
•  What frustrates them?
•  What are they particularly sensitive about?
•  What things do they find hard to do?
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