Chapter 5
Loving Ourselves and Others
Chapter Outline
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Personal Ties in an Impersonal Society
What is Love?
Two Things Love Isn’t
Self-Esteem as a Prerequisite to Loving
Love as Discovery
What Is Love?
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Love is a deep and vital emotion.
Love satisfies legitimate personal needs.
Love involves caring and acceptance.
Triangle Theory of Love
Three components of love:
1. Intimacy - close, connected feelings.
2. Passion - drives that lead to romance,
physical attraction and sexual
consummation.
3. Commitment -the decision to love
someone and to maintain that love.
Triangle Theory of Love
Three components develop at different
times:
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Passion is quickest to develop and
quickest to fade.
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Intimacy develops more slowly.
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Commitment develops gradually.
The Three Components of
Love: Triangular Theory
Six Love Styles
1. Eros
2. Storge
3. Pragma
4. Agape
5. Ludus
6. Mania
Love Isn’t Martyring
Martyrs may:
 Be reluctant to suggest what they want.
 Allow others to be constantly late and
never protest.
 Help loved ones develop talents while
neglecting their own.
 Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide
their own.
Love Isn’t Manipulation
Manipulators may:
 Ask others to do something that they
could do.
 Assume that others will happily do
whatever they choose.
 Be consistently late.
 Want others to help them develop their
talents but seldom think of reciprocating.
Six Pillars of Self-esteem
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
The practice of living consciously.
The practice of self-acceptance.
The practice of self-responsibility.
The practice of self-assertiveness.
The practice of living purposefully.
The practice of personal integrity.
Self-Esteem and Personal
Relationships
People with low self-esteem
 Experience a persistent need for
affection.
 Are on the alert for criticism and
remember it for a long time afterward.
 Often miss cues that other people are
interested.
 Are prepared for rejection.
Three Basic Styles of
Attachment
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Secure - Trust that the relationship will
provide necessary and ongoing support.
Insecure/anxious - Concern that the
beloved will disappear, a “fear of
abandonment”.
Avoidant - Evades relationships or
establishes distance in intimate situations.
Wheel Theory of Love
Four stages of love
 Rapport - rests on mutual trust and respect
 Self-revelation - sharing intimate information
 Mutual dependency - developing
interdependence
 Personality need fulfillment - developing
emotional exchange and support
Reiss’s Wheel Theory of the
Development of Love
Misconceptions That Limit
Our Ability to Maintain Love
1.
2.
3.
4.
Infatuation equals love; chemistry is all
that matters.
If it isn’t perfect, it wasn’t meant to be.
You can’t rekindle passion; once love
dies, you can never get it back.
There is one true soul mate for
everyone; if you meet the right person,
you will live happily ever after.
Misconceptions That Limit
Our Ability to Maintain Love
5.
6.
7.
Love conquers all; if a relationship is tough, it
means you have the wrong partner.
Love is a static state; once you fall in love,
you get on a high and stay there forever.
Love is a feeling, and you either have it or you
don’t.
Quick Quiz
1. The text defines love as a
a) primarily sexual phenomenon.
b) deep and vital emotion that
satisfies certain needs.
c) relationship that may or may not be
intimate.
d) all of the above
Answer: b
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The text defines love as a deep and
vital emotion that satisfies certain
needs.
2. __________ may ask others to do things
for them that they could do for
themselves, and generally expect to be
waited on.
a) Martyrs
b) Narcissists
c) Manipulators
d) Ludic lovers
Answer: c
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Manipulators may ask others to do
things for them that they could do for
themselves, and generally expect to be
waited on.
3. A(n) __________ attachment style would
likely be evidenced in partners engaged
in an A-frame or dependent relationship.
a) secure
b) insecure/anxious
c) avoidant
d) intimate
Answer: b
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An insecure/anxious attachment style
would likely be evidenced in partners
engaged in an A-frame or dependent
relationship.
4. “Rapport,” “self-revelation,” “mutual
dependency,” and “personality need
fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira
Reiss’s __________ theory of love.
a) triangular
b) love-style
c) framework
d) wheel
Answer: d
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Rapport,” “self-revelation,” “mutual
dependency,” and “personality need
fulfillment” are the four stages in Ira
Reiss’s wheel theory of love.
5. The wheel theory of love suggests that
once people fall in love, they
a) will stay in love.
b) may not necessarily stay in love.
c) will inevitably “fall out of love.”
d) will eventually experience a
reduction in love.
Answer: b
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The wheel theory of love suggests that
once people fall in love, they may not
necessarily stay in love.