Your needs, their need
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Your needs, their needs
Carers Scotland is grateful to Carers Link East Dunbartonshire
for their assistance in writing this leaflet.
Realities
How we view of the world around us is different for every one of us. How we see events and the actions of
others are products of our experience, culture, and genes as well as things such as our expectations,
anxieties and roles.
When it comes to interactions with others, there is no one reality, or one truth about things that happen.
There are only perceptions about what happens. Perception is an awareness of something through the
senses.
Conflicting perceptions are very common when it comes to decisions around caring. A carer may have very
different perceptions than a professional about what action is needed to support someone who is disabled
or unwell.
Pete who cares for his frail Mum thinks her health is going from bad to worse. Mum’s
GP however thinks that she is doing well for her age.
What are your needs?
What are your needs as a carer? Do you recognise any of these needs that you have in your caring role?
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To be meaningfully involved
To be trusted
To be trusting in others
To be supported
To be welcomed
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To be informed
To be respected
To be treated with honesty and openness
To be recognised
The needs of the other person
The needs listed above are fairly universal - and this includes professionals. However we all have different
ways of meeting our needs because of our different roles and of course our different realities. If you find that
you are having ongoing difficulties with someone in ‘the system’, it may be useful to try and put yourself in the
shoes of the professional you are dealing with or with any individual where your relationship with them is
difficult.
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS
Your needs, their need
SATELLITE
What might it be like for a professional?
It’s not easy these days to be a professional working in ‘the system’. Many workers are under pressure from
their line managers make savings where they can, but workers are the ones that have to tell service users and
carers the bad news. Many professionals have heavy case-loads and it is unlikely that they choose their
careers to deny people services. The level of long-term sickness and stress among public sector workers
speaks for itself.
Being aware of the professional’s situation is not about putting the needs of the professional before your
own!
Indeed, if you are self-advocating with professionals from the system you will notice that the relationship can
already seem very unbalanced. Meetings often take place at the system’s premises where a carer may feel
intimidated. The system has a lot of the power and resources that you may need. So, it is very useful if you
can get your voice heard where you don’t have much power. Seeing the other person’s point of view during
interactions can be useful in getting yourself better heard, as we shall explore below…
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS
Your needs, their need
SATELLITE
Pete cares for his elderly Mother, Mo. Pete called social services three weeks ago. He wants support
as soon as possible as he feels he’s cracking up. He has a meeting today at the local social work office.
The dialogue between Janice and Pete is down the middle of this page. To the left and right are the
respective needs and perceptions of both Pete and Janice.
Pete’s needs/perceptions
“At last it’s my
opportunity to get
some help today, I
hope it won’t take too
long, as I need to get
back to Mum.”
“I don’t believe this! I
need a break! I
thought this meeting
would be to sort out
some practical help for
me, but she just wants
to talk about form
filling! I feel so anxious
and frustrated!”
“Now she’s having a go
at me! It’s so unfair; I
don’t understand why
she won’t help me!?This
is pointless!”
Janice’s needs/perceptions
I need to be really quick today.
I’ve got three home visits
before lunchtime.
Dialogue 1
Janice:
“Hi Pete, I haven’t got long today - did you
manage to send the Self-Assessment Form
I sent a while back?”
Pete:
“What? Was that for me? I couldn’t make
head or tail of it… I put it in a drawer
somewhere… I’ve no time to fill in forms. I
just need someone to help me!”
Oh, no, this is going to
be one of those days. I
sent that form to him
three weeks ago and I
really need to get
going!...
Janice:
Oh, I see. Let me give you another one so
you can fill it in this time. I haven’t got
Pete seems very agitated but
time to go through it – send it on to me I’m doing my best here! I can’t
get him in the system without
Pete:
that form…
“This is ridiculous, don’t need this red
tape!! I can care for my Mum if you help
ME!!
Hmm, Pete is being
Oh why did I bother?”
unreasonable now. I’ll
need to make a note of
this on the system.
Pete walks out and slams the door
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS
Your needs, their need
SATELLITE
Pete ended this interaction with none of his needs met - or even expressed - and left in an agitated
state. He also started his relationship with Janice on a negative footing. Janice has the keys to services
that could help him. Janice left feeling frustrated because she will have to wait to get Pete in the
system. She sees that he is stressed but she knows he has to go through the right process and she didn’t
like his temper.
So how can you be better heard?
Effective negotiators try to work out what might be the needs and perceptions of the other person’– (and it
is guesswork to some extent) –by trying to acknowledge some of the other person’s possible needs in their
negotiations. If you can acknowledge their concerns, the other person in turn may be more willing to make
some concessions to your needs.
Many carers that experience deterioration in the relationship with key professionals, (usually caused by
communication difficulties) find it even harder to get their voices heard. So this ‘empathic’ approach to
negotiation can be used in situations where it looks like the discussion could become ‘personal’ - as it offers
more ‘space’ and helps keep the good will of the person with whom you are negotiating.
Being open about your needs
Did you notice that in the interaction between Pete and Janice, neither was saying what was really going on
for them? The person you are dealing with isn’t a mind reader and your needs may not be obvious to them,
even though they are obvious to you. Explain to them why you need something with the reasons behind it.
Often, if you can offer them the underlying reasons this may make the request sound more understandable
and reasonable to them. They may be able to offer alternatives you hadn’t thought of.
Carers often feel that professionals don’t explain decisions and processes fully, which can lead to uncertainty
and a lack of trust. Therefore, being more clear about your own needs may encourage professionals be more
open.
Creating a win-win situation
Successful negotiation is dependent on both parties gaining something of value from their discussions. In this
discussion, Pete lost, not only because he didn’t get what he originally wanted, but he also lost Janice’s
goodwill and trust. Janice lost too because her being too busy to deal with Pete made him abandon the
discussion. Looking for areas where both parties can collaborate to make the best of a situation helps to
create better outcomes.
Let’s re-run Pete and Janice’s conversation with these things in mind…
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS
Your needs, their need
SATELLITE
Pete’s needs/perceptions
Janice’s needs/perceptions
I need to be really quick today.
I’ve got three home visits
before lunchtime.
“At last it’s my
opportunity to get
some help today, I
hope it won’t take too
long, as I need to get
back to Mum.”
Janice:
“Hi Pete, I’m Janice. I haven’t got long
today - did you manage to send the SelfAssessment Form I sent a while back?”
“I don’t believe this! I
need a break! I thought
this meeting would be to
sort out some practical
help for me, but she just
wants to talk about form
filling! I feel so anxious
and frustrated!”
Pete:…(counts to ten)
“Ah. I put it in a drawer… I couldn’t make
head or tail of it…there were no
instructions on how to fill it in – and I’m so
busy caring for Mum. She’s been in bed
with that bug going around and her
arthritis has flared up again. I’ve hardly
slept the last three nights – I’m on my own
with this -I really need a hand right now…!”
I’m disappointed
about the time it
will take but Janice
sounds like she
wants to help me.
Janice sounds like she’s
under pressure too, so
maybe I can let her
know I’ve listened to
her, that will help things
along a wee bit.
Dialogue 1
Janice:
Oh, I see. Let me give you another one so
you can fill it in this time. Sounds like you
may want to ask the local carers centre to
help you fill it in? Here’s the number….they
may also be able to offer you other
support. Let me know when you have
done it and I’ll try and come out to you as
soon as I can
Pete:
So when will you be able to come out? I
know you’re probably really busy but I’d
really appreciate it if you could make it
sooner rather than later…
Oh, no, this is going to
be one of those days. I
sent that form to him
three weeks ago. Still, it
sounds like he’s under a
lot of pressure at the
moment with the way
things are with Mum.
I think he will need a
hand with the form. I’d
like to get out to him
and his Mum as soon as
possible.
Wow, not many people say
that! I’d like to do my best
for Pete.
Janice
I’ll come out as soon as I can after you’ve
returned the form Pete.
Pete
Thanks Janice
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS
Your needs, their need
SATELLITE
Did you notice that:
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Pete counted to ten and kept his cool this time and didn’t get the relationship off to a negative start.
By remaining calm, Pete could explain more about his situation, so Janice could better
understand him and why he needed help.
 Pete acknowledged where Janice was coming from and was able to use this to create a good
rapport with her.
 Both Pete and Janice ‘won’ something from the discussion; Pete got Janice’s assurances that she
Would come out to the house as soon as possible and Janice ‘won’ acknowledgement from Pete
about her workload and how this could impact on how quickly she was able to respond to Pete’s situation.
Pete ended this interaction having expressed his needs and was calmer. He also started his
relationship with Janice on a positive footing.
Also See the Satellite Dealing with Anger
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BEING HEARD: A SELF ADVOCACY GUIDE FOR CARERS