Session 3
Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
LEARNER OBJECTIVES
 Learn about the concepts of positive
discipline and reframe their thinking
from punishment/reward to finding
solutions.
 Build on communication skills and
develop routines, limits and other
tools which will promote family peace
and behavior management.
 Learn the effectiveness of limit setting
and how to set limits with ease.
KEY CONCEPTS
Positive Discipline promotes the
following:
1. Helps children feel a sense of
connection.
2. Promotes mutual respect and
encouragement.
3. Serves as an effective long-term
approach to challenging behavior.
4. Teaches important social and life skills
and invites children to discover how
capable they are.
5. Focuses on solutions instead of
punishment.
6. Identifies the belief behind the
behavior.
HANDOUTS
In Class
1 - Positive Encouragement Worksheet –
Class Activity
MATERIALS NEEDED
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New to this session:
2 - Practice Making Positive Commands –
Class Activity
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3 - Making a Routine Worksheet – Class
Activity
6 - Rewards Program Brainstorm – Class
Activity
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7 - Low or No-Cost Rewards Worksheet –
Class Activity
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Diana Harlick Consulting
Incredible Years: The Parents and Children Series, Basic
Preschool DVDs Discs 5 and 6 (review beforehand so you can
easily pull them up)
Session 3 PowerPoint (on flash drive or saved to computer)
Session 3 script (this document; review closely before session)
Copies of Session 3 In-Class Handouts & At-Home Activities &
Handouts (stapled together)
Sign-in sheet
Copies of evaluation form
Laptop
Speakers for laptop
Projector
Projector screen
Name tags
Chart paper
Chart paper stand
Markers
Tape
Box of Tissues
Incentives/rewards for parent participation (e.g., stickers,
healthy snacks, etc.)
Pens
Chart paper recordings from previous sessions
Parenting Pyramid poster
Refreshments
Plates/Napkins/Cups/Utensils needed for refreshments
Take-home item for families: Routine Charts, pre-made by
staff conducting workshop. Materials needed include poster
board, printed images, laminating folders, laminating machine,
and Velcro (see the end of this document for directions on
how to make routine charts; see handouts for images to use
for routine charts)
If not giving out pre-made routine charts: Have one set of
pre-cut out images from the Handouts
A few extra copies of handouts from Session 1 (in case
participants forget to bring them back)
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Session 3
Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
At Home Activities and Handouts
4 – Family Routine Chart Pictures – Try it at Home Activity
5 – Blank Family Routine Chart – Try it at Home Activity
8 – Determining the Meaning of Behavior – Try it at Home Activity
9 – Guidelines for Setting Limits – Take Home Tips
10 – Tangible Rewards – Take Home Tips
FACILITATOR OUTLINE
1. Introduction and Housekeeping
a. Welcome participants
SUGGESTED AGENDA
b. Review Slide 2 – Workshop sessions
1. Housekeeping - Review of Ground Rules,
c. Review Slide 3 – What’s Happening Today?
Topics and Goals (as needed)
d. Address Housekeeping issues such as
2.
Share home activities
childcare, parking, etc.
3. Promoting Good Behavior – Some Tools
e. If needed - go over group agreements, ask
of Positive Discipline
if participants are happy with them
a. Make Expectations Clear
2. Review Try it at Home Activities
b. Routines
a. Dyad/Table Activity – Share Session 2 –
c. Limited Choices
Handout 5 - Play Goal for the Week - Try it
d. Rewards and Incentives
at Home Activity
4.
Families
Helping Families (optional)
b. Review Slide 4 – Reflecting on Home
5. Session Wrap-Up and Try it at Home
Activities
Activities
c. Group Activity – Share out Session 2 –
Handout 6 - Encouraging Positive
Behavior- Try it at Home Activity
d. Individual Reflective Activity – Handout 1 – Caregiver Encouragement
3. Tools of Positive Discipline
a. Show Slide 5 – Making your Expectations Clear, Positive and Consistent
b. Dyad Activity – Handout 2 - Practice Making Positive Commands
c. Show Vignette – Positive Commands and Transitions
d. Show Slide 6 – Limited Choices
e. Show Vignette – Giving Choices
f. Show Slide 7 – Rephrase these into Choices
g. Group Activity – Choice “Contingency” Statements
h. Show Slide 8 – Tips for Effective Contingency Statements
i. Group Activity – Follow Through on Expectations
j. Show Slide 9 – Tips for Planning Routines
k. Optional Role Play Activity - Routine Charts, Handout 4 – Family Routine Chart Pictures
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
Group Activity – Making a Routine Worksheet (Handouts 3, 4, and 5)
m. Review Slide 10 – Effective Rewards Programs
n. Show Vignettes – Bribes and Rewards
o. Worksheet Activity – Handout 6 - Rewards Program Brainstorm
p. Optional Activity – Handout 7 – Low or No-Cost Rewards Worksheet
4. Optional Families Helping Families Session
5. Session Wrap-Up and Try it at Home Activities
a. Show Slide 11 – Try it at Home
b. Refer to Handout 4 – Family Routine Chart Pictures and Handout 5 - Family Routine Chart
c. Explain Handout 8 - Determining the Meaning of Behavior Worksheet
d. Review Handout 9 – Guidelines for Setting Limits and Handout 10 – Tangible Rewards
l.
INTRODUCTION AND HOUSEKEEPING
Narration: Welcome back to our third session of the Kit for New Parents workshop
series. The title of today’s workshop is “Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive
Behavior”. In today’s workshop we will build on topics we discussed last week and
introduce some new concepts that may help promote positive behavior and family
peace. We can think of these as planning tools. Next week, we will talk about strategies
to use when, despite planning and prevention, your children still act out.
Show Slide 2 – Workshop Sessions
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
You are the Most Fascinating Person in the World
Play to Grow – Following Your Child’s Lead
Avoiding Power Struggles - Promoting Positive Behavior
Positive Discipline – Meeting Challenging Behavior with Love
Healthy Children, Healthy Families – Caring for Your Child and Yourself
Point to the overall session topics on the slide or chart papers saved from the previous week, and emphasize
this week’s topic in the overall scheme.
Today’s Agenda
Show Slide 3 – What’s Happening Today?
o
o
o
o
Housekeeping
Home Activities
 Play Goal for the Week
 Encouraging Positive
Behavior
Tools of Positive Discipline
Clear and Positive Expectations
Diana Harlick Consulting
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 Limited Choices
 Routines
 Rewards and Incentives
Families Helping Families
Wrap up and Try it at Home
Activities
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Narration: Today we will further explore the concepts of positive discipline and positive
communication. Positive Discipline is a way to teach our children to make good
choices and is different from a more traditional punishment/reward framework. We
will shift our thinking from “reacting-in-the-moment” to an approach that helps you and
your children solve problems and live your lives with less conflict and stress. Positive
discipline is a technique that helps build children’s skills and independence while also
making parenting easier.
Post the group agreements at the beginning of class. As needed, go over the group agreements, asking if
anything needs to be added or changed. This is the time to discuss any other housekeeping issues such as
location, parking, child care, etc.
REVIEW TRY IT AT HOME ACTIVITIES
Dyad activity – Share Session 2 - Handout 5 - Play Goal for the Week – Try it at Home Activity
Narration: Let’s start by discussing your Try it at Home Activities.
Please refer to your Session 2 - Handout 5 - Play Goal for the Week
– Try it at Home Activity. Last week, we continued to build our
children’s treasure chests by playing with and encouraging them. We
talked about play and how beneficial and easy it is for you to follow
your children’s cues. You picked a play goal for the week and were
going to try to find time to play with your children, and then record
how it went for a few of the play sessions.
Materials Needed:
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Session 2 - Handout 5 - Play
Goal for the Week – Try it at
Home Activity
Have the participants form dyads or triads. They will take turns
sharing their play goal activities and encouraging one another. One shares, the other practices encouraging
statements, and then they switch.
Narration: Share how your week went with your partner. Tell a story about a play
session with your child, or a story about observing your child at play. Partners can
practice listening and responding with encouraging statements.
Show Slide 4 – Reflecting on Home Activities
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What was something that you did well this week?
What kinds of things did you try? How did your child respond? How did you feel? Did you see the benefits?
What did you notice about your child’s play?
How did it work to set aside time? Did you feel rushed?
How did it feel to follow your child’s cues? Was it hard to follow their lead?
How did it feel to play with your child? (Was it fun, boring, aggravating?)
Did you notice any changes in your child’s behavior this week? Positive? Negative?
Sample Encouraging Statements
 I’m so impressed that you were able to find the time to play with your children every day.
 It sounds like your children really enjoyed playing with you.
 You shouldn’t beat yourself up about not finding the time; you could just try for 5 minutes instead of 30.
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Narration: Great job everyone on attempting the assignments! More importantly, I hope
that you enjoyed playing with and encouraging your children. You have added
“treasured moments” to both your own and your children’s memories. These are
treasures that will last a lifetime.
Do any of you want to discuss any challenges you had at home with these activities with
the whole group?
If parents volunteer, allow five minutes for whole group discussion. Let participants brainstorm solutions to
each other’s challenges.
Group Activity – Share “Try it at Home” Activity- Handout 6 – Encouraging Positive Behavior
Narration: We also thought about a behavior that we wanted to see
more of this week, and were going to experiment to see if we could
encourage this behavior in our children. Please pull out your Session
2 – Handout 6 - Encouraging Positive Behavior – Try it at Home
Activity worksheet.
Ask the group, through a show of hands, if they identified a behavior
they wished to see more of this week. Congratulate them on
thinking about it!
Materials Needed:
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Handout 6 - Encouraging
Positive Behavior – Try it at
Home Activity
Ask for volunteers to share any attempts at encouraging positive behavior and the results of those attempts.
Write the headings: Encouraging Statements and Positive Behavior on a piece of chart paper. Chart the
encouraging statements participants said they used, and the resulting positive behaviors they witnessed.
Remind them that behavior doesn’t change overnight. Tell them that even small improvements are worth
noticing and celebrating. Noticing small incremental changes is important, both for the children to feel
encouraged and for caregivers to feel like they are having a positive impact on their children’s behavior.
Examples:
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“I noticed when my daughter was trying to get herself dressed. She wasn’t perfect, but I noticed that she
spent a few more minutes trying than before.”
“We had less difficulty getting my son to sit in his car seat. I kept telling him what a good job he was doing.”
Narration: How did it feel? Did you find it more enjoyable than nagging or yelling?
(Pause and wait for responses). Remember, when we encourage our children, we want
to say more than just “good job”. We need to tell them specifically what they did well,
or else the praise is ineffective.
Children Communicate Through Behavior
Take a moment to explain that behavior is meaningful and communicates a message.
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Session 3
Narration: Sometimes when children do not have an appropriate way to communicate
a message (e.g., talking, signing, using picture symbols), they often resort to using
challenging behavior (e.g., hitting, screaming, spitting) to communicate to others what
they want and need. A child who has limited social skills, or who has learned that
engaging in challenging behavior will meet his or her needs effectively, may also use
challenging behavior instead of language…even if he/she has language. Simply put,
children engage in challenging behavior because it works for them! It works for them
to send a powerful message, which results in the child obtaining something (e.g.,
attention, toy, food) or avoiding/escaping something or someone (e.g., a demand,
attention, stimulation). By focusing positive attention on your children, for example, by
playing with them and encouraging them, you can reduce challenging behavior and
promote positive behavior.
In today’s session, we are going to learn about even more tools to encourage and
empower children; specifically, how to help children make good choices and reduce their
need for negative attention.
Reflective Activity – Handout 1 – Caregiver Encouragement
You all did a great job encouraging your children this week! Now take a few minutes to complete your
Handout 1 - Caregiver Encouragement Worksheet.
TOOLS OF POSITIVE DISCIPLINE
Make Your Expectations Clear, Positive and Consistent
Show Slide 5 – Making Your Expectations Clear, Positive and Consistent
1.
2.
3.
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5.
6.
7.
Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do.
Give one clear direction at a time.
Clearly and simply state your expectations using few words.
Have age-appropriate expectations.
Avoid contractions; use simple language.
Offer limited choices.
Use When…then, or If…then statements.
Narration: Last week, we talked about effective praise and encouragement. A moment ago, we talked about
using encouraging behaviors we want to see more of by using specific, clear statements with warmth and
enthusiasm.
Now I want to explore a powerful parenting tool with you. This tool is simply making sure your child knows what
to expect. Often we give children information about what we do not want them to do without ever really
teaching them what we want them to do! You may have even given up asking your children to do things because
you are so frustrated by their behavior. Sometimes, it’s just easier to do things for them. So, stop and carefully
consider whether your child knows what you want them to do!
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
Narration: Some behavior occurs because your child doesn’t know how to act differently
and some occurs because your child won't. Toddlers in particular may be confused about
what you would like them to – remember, sometimes they are learning things for the
very first time! They are still relatively new to this world! Either way, make sure that
your child is not expected to read your mind. When in doubt, assume “can’t”—at least
until you are sure your child understands what you are asking.
A good approach is to give just one instruction at a time. Can your two-year-old make
her bed? Probably not. We have to have realistic expectations. Can your 4-year-old make
his bed? Probably, but definitely not perfectly! But you have to take time to teach him.
For example, if you want your four-year-old to make his bed, first show him how to take
the pillows off the bed. Then pull up the sheet first on one side and then on the other.
Bed too close to the wall? Practice kneeling in the middle of the bed to pull the covers in
place. Take it step by step until the bed is reasonably well made.
Small Group/Dyad Activity – Making Expectations Clear and Positive
Ask participants to get out the worksheet Handout 2 - Practice Making Positive Commands.
Narration: Think about a time when you were in school
or had a job and had a teacher or a boss who always
Materials Needed:
told you what you shouldn’t be doing. Or maybe you
had a parent or caregiver of your own who always
 Handout 2 – Practice Making
focused on the negative. How did this make you feel?
Positive Commands
(Pause for responses). How do you think it makes your
children feel to always here what they shouldn’t be
doing? (Pause for responses). It gives them the
message that (1) most of what they do is wrong, and
(2) that they get attention for inappropriate behavior. The good news is that we can
learn another way to talk to children. But it isn’t easy. You have to train your brain to
talk in a new way – almost like a new language. Most of us are programmed to always
tell our children what they shouldn’t be doing. But for every behavior we don’t want to
see, there is an opposite behavior that we do want to see. Let’s look at the first
example on our worksheet Practice Making Positive Commands and try this.
After working through the first example, have them work in small groups or dyads to try to rewrite the listed
commands (e.g., “Shut up,” “Stop running”, etc.) into positive, clear, respectful commands using the Tips for
Making Your Expectations Clear.
Ask the dyads to share with the group. Ask the group if this activity made sense and was useful. Sometimes the
answers will be positive, but still vague – help participants become more specific by gently guiding them.
Vignette Activity – Positive Commands & Transitions

Incredible Years DVD: Disc 6  Program 3, Part 2 – Effective Limit Setting Program Three, Part Two: Program
Topics  Begin Program  Giving Children Transition Time- Vignette 12
 Incredible Years Manual: Program Three, Part 2 – Effective Limit Setting – Warnings for Transitions - Vignette 12 –
p. 609
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Narration: For older children who have a concept of time, you can warn them how much
time they have left before they need to do something else. But for young and
distractible children, this will be meaningless and they will need a much more concrete
signal to indicate the end of an activity. In the next vignette, watch how the mother
gives a warning but helps to forecast for her children what will happen next.
The Scene:
Mom gives a warning that the play is going to end.
Mother:
We’re going to play for about 3 more minutes and then it’s going to be teeth time and time for
stories and bed. Robin, 3 minutes more of play and then it’s time for teeth and stories.
I want stories.
I wanna get on, I wanna get on, I wanna get on.
One more minute of playtime and then it’s going to be teeth and stories for bed.
It’s all over different places.
All right you guys, it’s time to clean up the toys for teeth!
The pink one does…
Yeah, the pink one goes right here.
Yeah, this goes right here, this is like the place they go for breakfast.
Here’s the box, it’s time to put the toys away, we can play more with these tomorrow morning.
Thank you, Robin’s putting some away, thanks Robin. I’m going to pick up some. Dorian, thank
you for cleaning up.
Do we have to put this in there?
We can just put it on top; you can play with it some more tomorrow.
Thank you Dorian.
Is there or can we just keep it out?
Yeah, we can close the box and put it on top; we can save that castle for tomorrow. Thank you
for helping clean up.
Okay, Dorian.
All right, so Robin you wanna save that?
Remember, Robin to come over there and eat the dirt…
Thank you for helping to clean up. Thanks for putting those away.
Do you remember that?
Mom, we gotta put the people in there.
You’re going to put the people in there, save that box for tomorrow.
In the garden with the cherry tomatoes?
Do you?
I don’t remember Robin eating the dirt.
Put whatever you want to save on top of the toy box. We’re gonna go do teeth.
I remember you. Put that on top of the toy box for toothies.
Thanks Dorian. Dorian’s going to save the yellow and blue castle. Robin, you gonna save the car
for tomorrow? I’ll carry this, Daddy, over.
No, he doesn’t want to go in the box.
No, he’s going on top of the box so you can play with him tomorrow.
Oh this guy.
He’s cold. Good night guy, teeth time Robin. Thanks for helping clean up.
Dorian:
Robin:
Mother:
Dorian:
Mother:
Robin:
Dorian:
Robin:
Mother:
Dorian:
Mother:
Father:
Dorian:
Mother:
Father:
Mother:
Dorian:
Mother:
Dorian:
Robin:
Mother:
Father:
Dorian:
Father:
Mother:
Father:
Mother:
Robin:
Mother:
Robin:
Mother:
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Discussion Questions
1. Was it necessary for mother to repeat her command to Robin?
2. What is the value of warning as three minutes become two and then one minute?
3. What is the value of forecasting what will happen next? (teeth and brushing and stories)
4. How does she encourage the children’s follow through with her command?
Narration: The mother gives two clear warning statements (3 minutes and 1 minute) and
allows her children enough time to make the transition to get ready for bed. Then she
gives a polite and positive command/request to clean up and brush teeth. She follows
through and starts helping them put toys away and praises them for complying. She
recognizes they were engrossed in the activity and respects this by allowing them to save
their structure for the next day.
Limited Choices
Show Slide 6 – Limited Choices
1. Give only two choices.
2. Be reasonable – only offer choices with which you can follow through.
3. Stick with your original offer.
Narration: Offering a child choices is another wonderful behavior management tool that
helps foster children’s independence while also allowing you to achieve what you want.
“Limited choices” are choices that you define. For example, instead of asking a child what
she wants for breakfast, which can lead to a long battle over appropriate food choices, you
would give two choices you are comfortable with: “Would you like oatmeal or toast?” You
are giving your child choices, but you are only offering choices that work for you as a
parent. It is almost like a trick, but a good one. Making choices is empowering; it builds a
child’s capacity to think and reason but also allows you to accomplish what you need to as
you go throughout your day, avoiding prolonged battles over activities.
Offer two reasonable choices. Make sure the choices are ones that you are okay with – you
have to be able to follow through or else it will be ineffective. Stick with your original offer,
even if your child tries to come up with another choice. For example, you can say “Wow,
pancakes sound yummy too, but today we are choosing between oatmeal and toast.”
You may also want to try using humor. Be silly! Being silly with kids is one of the best ways
to connect with them. It is also a great way to diffuse power struggles. It can distract a child
from what they are preparing to get upset over and put them in a totally different frame of
mind. You could offer the following choice: “Do you want to hop like a kangaroo or gallop
like a horse to the bath?” Demonstrate their options by hopping or galloping!
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Vignette Activity – Giving Choices
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Incredible Years DVD: Disc 6  Program 3, Part 2 – Effective Limit Setting Program Three, Part Two: Program
Topics  Begin Program  Giving Choices When Possible - Vignette 7
Incredible Years Manual: Program Three, Part 2 – Effective Limit Setting – Giving Choices - Vignette 7 – p. 599
Narration: Watch how this father allows his daughter a choice when making a request.
The Scene:
A father is washing Lia; he tells her she has to do her face.
Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Oh we go to do face. Can you do face with a wash cloth, or do you want me to do it?
I can do it.
Okay, here you go.
I can do it.
Okay, let’s see you do it. Okay, how about cheeks? Now do you want to put the shampoo on or
shall I? You want to do it, or do you want daddy to do it?
I want to do it.
You’re going to do it? Okay, ready hold your hand out, two hands. Okay, rub your hands
together, all right. Good girl.
Lia:
Dad:
Discussion Questions
1. What were the choices that Dad gave Lia?
2. What does he do after she follows his instructions?
3. What does this do for Lia’s sense of capability and autonomy?
4. What are some areas in which you might offer your child choices?
5. What are some phrases you can use?
Show Slide 7 – Rephrase These Into Choices.
Review the questions on the slide, and ask parents to rephrase the questions into choice questions.
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What do you want to wear?
What do you want for breakfast?
Why don’t you pick up your toys?
Do you want to play with blocks, puzzles, or go outside or read a book?
Do you want to take a bath?
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Group Activity –“Contingency” Statements
Narration: Another way to give choices and set limits is
with First…..then, or When……then statements. These
are called “contingency statements”. That means that
the second phrase is dependent on the first.
Materials Needed:
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Chart Paper
Markers
Example “First, put on your shoes, then you may go outside” is a contingency statement
(first-then). A “first…then” statement is a simple instruction that tells your child what
he/she must do first in order to do something else he wants to do.
Ask the group: What do you think is important in using effective contingency statements?
Show Slide 8 – Tips for Effective Contingency Statements
1.
2.
3.
4.
Have a positive focus – tell them what TO DO or what you are GOING TO DO.
Set reasonable time limits.
Be prepared for your child's response; it may be “No!”
Follow through.
Narration: Let’s practice making contingency statements. Example: “When you pick up
your toys, then you can go outside.” How about a few more examples? (Allow
responses.) Write down participant responses on chart paper.
Additional Examples if Needed:
 When you take your bath, then we’ll read a book.
 When you set the table, then we’ll make cookies.
 As soon as you get dressed, we’ll go to the park.
Group Activity – Follow Through on Expectations
Narration: Following through on a when…then, or first…then statement is also called
natural consequences. We will talk more about consequences next week. You are giving
the child a choice when you use a contingency statement. If you say, “First, put on your
shoes, then you may go outside,” your child may test you and may choose not to put on
her shoes. Then you have to be prepared to follow through on what you said, and keep
the child inside. So it pays to think for a moment before you make a contingency
statement. Don’t make a statement that you can’t follow through on.
Ask the group: Remember a time when someone in your life did not follow through on
what was promised? What happened, how did you feel, what did you think?
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Write responses on chart paper.
Sample possible answers:
 I lost trust in the person.
 I knew I couldn’t believe what they said anymore.
 I felt disappointed and let down.
Narration: Follow through is very important if you want your limit setting to be effective and
your encouragement to be genuine. Interestingly, verbal and physical follow through is also
frequently mentioned by Kindergarten teachers as an important school readiness skill that
children need to be taught at home. If there is no follow through on statements at home,
teachers find that children have difficulty listening to and following directions because they
have been taught that adults don’t necessarily mean what they say! So it is worth the time
to think carefully about a choice before you offer it.
Let the Routine Be the Boss
Narration: Here is another great tool for managing behavior. One of the easiest ways to help
your child feel competent, and to have a more peaceful family life, is to use consistent
routines.
How many of you have routines? (Wait for response.) Clear, predictable routines are a way
to reduce misbehavior. Routines help a child feel a sense of belonging and responsibility.
Routines are even more effective if your child helps plan them!
Show Slide 9 – Tips for Planning Routines
1.
2.
3.
4.
Be consistent.
Encourage the child’s participation in setting up routines.
Use charts, checklists or pictures.
Let the routine be the boss!
Narration: Consistency, child participation, and visual reminders make routines a very
effective tool. When you let the routine be the boss, and avoid nagging, your child is
empowered and behavior issues are reduced.
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
Role Play Activity - Routine Charts
Adapted from Lott, Lynn & Nelson, Jane “Experiential Activities - Routine Charts.” Teaching Parenting the Positive Discipline
Way, 2008. P. 237.
Materials:
Pre-made routine charts for parents to take home with them (see instructions at the end of this document;
images for routine charts are provided in the handouts). If not using pre-made routine charts, use one set of
pre-cut-out images from Handout 4 – Family Routine Chart Pictures, or you can draw pictures of each task.
Objective: To avoid power struggles while helping children feel more capable.
Directions:
Ask for a volunteer to role-play a three-year-old (or whatever age you want) creating a bedtime routine.
You can role-play the parent.
3. Go to the chart and ask the “child” to tell you what he or she needs to do to get ready for bed. Select the
corresponding images and place them on the upper portion of the chart, or have the child place them on
the upper portion of the chart
4. If the child forgets something, it is okay to say “What about brushing your teeth?” or other activities that
are part of the routine.
5. After putting all the items on the chart, ask the child for help putting the activities in the right order.
1.
2.
Discuss the role play with the group. Ask the person playing the child how it felt to be involved in creating the
routine chart. If not using pre-made charts, explain to the group that this list can be used to create a routine
chart on poster board with pictures next to each task.
Narration: Children feel empowered and motivated to cooperate when they are
respectfully included in problem-solving – including the creation of routine charts. It is
important to let the routine chart be the boss. In other words, instead of nagging, ask
“What is next on your routine chart?”
Group Activity – Making a Routine Worksheet
If using pre-made routine charts: Ask the group to think about
what routines they want to work on in their family. Ask them to
pick a part of the day that is challenging and where it might help to
use their new routine charts. Have them work on customizing their
routine chart for use at home.
If not using pre-made routine charts: ask participants to look at
Handout 3 – Making a Routine Worksheet in their handouts. Show
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Materials Needed:
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Handout 3 – Making a Routine
Worksheet
Handout 4 – Family Routine
Chart Pictures
Handout 5 - Blank Routine
Chart
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
them Handout 4 – Family Routine Chart Pictures and Handout 5 - Blank Routine Chart for them to take home.
Encourage them to create a routine chart at home. They can cut out the images and use tape to affix them to
the Blank Routine Chart.
Rewards and Incentives
Show Slide 10 – Effective Reward Programs
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Choose effective rewards within your budget.
Focus on only one or two behaviors at a time.
Make the program simple and fun.
Follow through immediately.
Focus on spontaneous rewards with preschoolers. If using charts, monitor them carefully.
Be consistent about which behaviors will be rewarded.
Avoid mixing punishment with rewards (do not take away rewards)!
Revise the program as necessary and phase out eventually.
Narration: For some children, praise and encouragement, warmth and affection, and limits
and routines are not enough when trying to turn around a particularly challenging behavior.
In this case, sometimes a tangible, material reward can provide the incentive for a child to
learn a new behavior, overcome a challenge, or achieve a particular goal.
Rewards and incentives should be used sparingly, and should not replace encouragement,
affection and spending time with your child. Rewards and incentives are not effective if the
other techniques aren’t being used. The most effective way to use rewards with preschoolers
is spontaneously. You will be better off saving reward charts for school-age children (ages 5
and older) or for a very mature 4-year-old. It is hard for preschool children to understand
and be motivated by the concept of ‘deferred gratification’.
Vignette Activity – Bribes vs. Rewards
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
Incredible Years DVD: Disc 5  Program Two, Part Two: Program Topics  Begin Program  Bribes and Rewards Vignette 4
Incredible Years Manual: Program Two, Part 2 – Motivating Children through Incentives– Vignette 4, First-Then
Rule – p. 484
The next vignette will help illustrate the difference between bribes and rewards, which parents often have
questions about.
Narration:
Let’s watch the following vignette. Is the mother offering a reward or a bribe?
The Scene:
Two school-age children are playing noisily on the floor with a puzzle while their mother reads a
magazine.
Mother:
(turns to children) You can have the candy if you both play nicely.
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Children:
Mother:
Children:
Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
(eagerly) Okay. (One child gets up to get the candy; the other mockingly repeats the mother’s
request.)
Can you play nicely?
Yes.
Discussion Questions:
1. What mistakes does the mother make?
2. Is the mother using candy as a bribe or a reward?
3. What impact will the mother’s approach have on the children’s play behavior?
4. What do you think about using candy as a reward?
5. What are some other approaches that would have been more effective in this situation?
Narration: This mother makes two common mistakes in the way in which she uses rewards
to improve her children’s play behavior. First, she is vague about what she wants the
children to do. “Play nicely” could mean play quietly, play without fighting, or share with one
another. Second, she gives the children the candy before the appropriate behavior occurs.
This means she is using the candy as a bribe instead of a reward.
Explain the difference between rewards and bribes: Rewards and incentives are NOT
bribes. Bribes are an attempt to produce the desired behavior; a reward is reinforcement of
the desired behavior. A bribe is given before the desired behavior occurs, and ends up
rewarding negative behavior. A reward is given after the desired behavior has occurred.
Vignette Activity - Rewards


Incredible Years DVD: Disc 5  Program Two, Part Two: Program Topics  Begin Program  Surprise RewardsVignette 2
Incredible Years Manual: Program Two, Part 2 – Motivating Children through Incentives – Vignette 2 – p. 482
Narration: Let’s watch this example of a mother using a spontaneous reward.
The Scene:
A mother and her four-year-old son, Ryan, are sitting on the bed together. Mother tells her son
that because he did such a good job of putting all his toys away and picking up his whole
bedroom, she will read him a story. He responds eagerly and they proceed to read a Dr. Seuss
book together.
Discussion Questions
1. What makes this an effective reward?
2. What are some other examples of parental time that can be used as rewards (e.g., walking to park, riding
bikes together, playing a game)?
Narration: This mother combines specific praise and a surprise to reinforce Ryan for
putting away his toys and picking up his room.
Now let’s watch another example of using spontaneous rewards during one of the most
challenging parts of our day as parents – bath time!!
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Vignette Activity – Rewards (Stickers for Being Patient)
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Incredible Years CD: Disc 5  Program Two, Part Two: Program Topics  Begin Program  Stickers and Treats Vignette 7
Incredible Years Manual: Program Two, Part 2 – Motivating Children through Incentives – Stickers for Being
Patient, Vignette 7 – p. 487
The Scene:
Lia:
Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Daniel:
Dad:
Dad:
The little girl, Lia, is waiting for her bath.
Daddy, bath.
Bath? Yeah, when Daniel’s done you can have a bath.
Bath! Daddy, up, up.
Up down.
Up.
Up, up, up, up, up. You are being so patient; you get a patient girl sticker. Yeah, yeah, yeah…No,
when Daniels’ done, you can have a bath, okay? Clap, clap, clap…
When can I have a bath?
When Daniel is done. You are being so patient. Hey, should we give you a sticker for being
patient?
Wait a second; I am going to get clean now.
Oh my gosh, Lia, watch very carefully because Daniel’s an expert at getting clean.
Oh good one, ear to ear and underneath your chin, that’s perfect.
Discussion Questions
1. What is father teaching his daughter?
2. Why might he have Daniel take a bath first?
3. Why is it important that the incentive for Lia be immediate?
Narration: Let’s watch this Dad as he transitions his son out of the tub. We have seen how
he uses ‘narration’, lots of talk and lots of praise for his washing efforts. Let’s watch how he
gives him a reward for getting clean.
Vignette Activity – Rewards (Small Treats)


Dad:
Lia:
Dad:
Daniel:
Dad:
Daniel:
Dad:
Incredible Years DVD: Disc 5  Program Two, Part Two: Program Topics  Begin Program  Stickers and Treats Vignette 8
Incredible Years Manual: Program Two, Part 2 – Motivating Children through Incentives – Small Treats, Vignette 8 –
p. 488
Wow Daniel, you get Superman stickers, Superman stickers.
Bathtub!
Okay, it is just about time. The thing that you’ve all been waiting for; Daniel is going to get dry
and Lia’s going to get clean. I think you might get raisins for getting clean. Wooh!
How about maybe ten?
Ten raisins?
How about a million?
You can have ten raisins if you wash your hair, okay. Four, five.
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
Discussion Questions
1. What is effective about this father’s approach?
2. Why is it important to combine praise with incentives?
3. Why was it a good idea to let washing hair be a choice instead of a power struggle?
Reflective Activity – Reward Program
What behaviors will you try to reward? How will you implement a
reward system?
Materials Needed:

You can also refer parents to Handout 10 - Tangible Rewards
Handout 6 – Rewards Program
Brainstorm Worksheet
Optional: Write participants’ ideas on chart paper or have them
share with the group after they have spent time on the worksheet.
Brainstorm Activity - Rewards
Narration: Let’s brainstorm some no-cost or low-cost
spontaneous rewards to use with children for the behaviors
you just talked about. Write these on chart paper. The
worksheet is available for participants who want to jot down
some of the ideas.
Materials Needed:
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

Chart Paper
Markers
Handout 7 – Low or No-Cost
Rewards Worksheet
Examples:
 Child gets special time with mom or dad
 Stickers
 Going to the park
 Hand stamps
 Deciding what to have for dessert
 Reading a book with child
 Playing a game
 Having a friend over
FAMILIES HELPING FAMILIES
In this activity, ask parents if any of them have a problem they want help with. After someone volunteers and
describes his/her problem, ask parents to gather in small groups to brainstorm and role play solutions to the
caregiver’s problem. Come back as a group to share solutions.
This activity strengthens the group process and results in individualized feedback, which participants may find
especially helpful.
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SESSION WRAP-UP/HOME ACTIVITIES
Show Slide 11 – Try it at Home

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

Try a new routine program OR rewards system
Observe your child during a challenging behavior:
o Use the Determining the Meaning of Behavior
Worksheet to learn why your child does what
s/he does!
Review Handouts:
o Guidelines for Setting Limits
o Tangible Rewards
Next week’s topic: Meeting Challenging Behavior
with Love
Materials Needed:
 Handout 4 - Family Routine
Pictures (Try it at Home Activity)
 Handout 5 - Blank Family Routines
Chart (Try it at Home Activity)
 Handout 8 - Determining the
Meaning of Behavior (Try it at
Home Activity)
 Handout 9 - Guidelines for Setting
limits (Take Home Tips)
 Handout 10 - Tangible Rewards
(Take Home Tips)
Narration: Great job problem solving! Before we leave today, let’s discuss how we will
bring what we learned home and use it in our daily lives. I’d like you to try one of the
tools we explored today, something that really hits home for you, something that you
think might work with your family. It could be trying to give limited choices, setting up
routines, or establishing spontaneous rewards. Here are some tools to help you at
home:
Ask participants to look at Handout 4 - Family Routine Pictures and Handout 5 - Blank Family Routines Chart.
Ask them whether they would like to use one of these tools, and to think about what would benefit their family
the most. Encourage them to try one of these, and explain how the charts work.
Ask participants to look at Handout 8 - Determining the Meaning of Behavior Worksheet. Explain the
worksheet and let participants know they are going to continue observing their children. Over the next week,
they will look at the “meaning behind their children’s behavior”. Review the worksheet with them.
Go over Handout 9- Guidelines for Setting Limits and Handout 10 – Tangible Rewards
Narration: Remember that the focus of this week’s session was tools of positive
discipline. Last week, we discussed the power of play and positive communication and
next week we will discuss how to meet challenging behavior with love. We have
discussed many tools that you can use with your family. Think of these tools as building
your parenting ‘toolkit’. You don’t have to use all these tools all of the time – but the
more you practice them, the more you will know how and when to use them. Forgive
yourself if you fall back into old patterns and just try again! Caring for children as they
grow is a marathon! You may see a reduction in challenging behavior this week or it may
take more time to change behavior. Sometimes you may have to try a new strategy for
several weeks before you see results. We will discuss other positive discipline tools next
week that will help you when planning and prevention don’t work.
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Please remember to bring your completed activities to our next session. If you don’t like
to write, see if you can get a family member or friend to help you with the activity.
Before you leave, please take a minute or two to complete our Evaluation Form for this
session. Please give us honest feedback – the good and the bad! We want to make sure
to make adjustments if something is not working.
I look forward to our next session and hearing how things went for you. And even though
we didn’t talk about it this week, keep on playing with and encouraging your children,
even if it’s only for a few minutes a day. Each time you spend positive time with your
children, you build permanent, positive pathways in their brain. Remember that positive
time with your children reduces challenging behavior and improves your relationship
with them. Next week, we will consider the question: “How do I respond to challenging
behavior with love?” Thank you for coming! Have fun encouraging, playing with and
setting limits with your children this week!
When packing up materials for the day, please remember to save chart paper recordings to bring back to the
next session. You should keep chart paper recordings of important activities, such as group agreements, family
goals, and brainstorms that led to important parenting principles. You will refer back to these recordings in
subsequent sessions.
OPTIONAL
Buddy Calls. Assign buddies for buddy calls. Participants can choose their own buddy if they’ve developed a friendship
during the first session, or the facilitator can try to determine which parents would be good partners. Ask them to
exchange phone numbers and give each other a call during the week to check-in about the “Try it at Home” activities.
Facilitator Check-in Calls. Tell participants that one of the facilitators will give them a call to check in during the week and
to see how they are doing in general, and with the “Try it at Home” activities
(For more information on Buddy Calls and Facilitator Check-in Calls, please see the Facilitators’ Guide)
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR MAKING ROUTINE CHARTS FOR PARENTS TO TAKE HOME
The images included in Handout 4 - Routine Chart Pictures can be used to prepare routine charts to give out to
parents at this workshop. It may be challenging for parents to make routine charts at home because of all the
demands on their time, and the quick and easy version they can use with their handouts will not hold up for very
long to the wear and tear of little fingers. We therefore highly recommend following the instructions below for
creating more durable routine charts that you can give to parents as a ‘take-home’ item.
Materials:
 Poster Board (one poster board per participant)
 Copies of images in Handout 4 - Routine Chart Pictures (print copies for each participant)
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Avoiding Power Struggles – Promoting Positive Behavior
8 ½ X 11 laminating pouches
Laminating machine
Velcro squares – 22 per participant (or long rolls of Velcro, and then cut out small squares)
Directions
 Place each sheet of images in a laminating pouch and run all sheets through the laminating machine.
 Cut out individual images (in squares). If you have a cutting board, this will be the easiest and least time
consuming. If you have some extra laminated blank paper, it is a great idea to cut out at least two blank
squares. This is so families can customize their routine chart items if the included pictures do not meet all of
their needs.
 Horizontally position the poster board. Divide your poster board into a top and bottom section by drawing a
line approximately half-way to two-thirds down the paper.
 Place approximately ten Velcro backs on the top section of the poster board, spaced apart so that the
laminated images can fit next to each other without overlapping too much. You will need two rows
(approximately five per row).
 Place approximately ten Velcro backs on the very bottom of the poster board. These can be spaced closer
together.
o The bottom of the poster board serves two purposes. The first is to designate that a task is finished
– the child moves the picture from the top of the poster board to the bottom. This concrete,
kinesthetic activity helps give the child a sense of accomplishment. The second purpose is simply to
store pictures, since most families will not need all pictures at one time.
 Place Velcro fronts on the backs of all of the laminated images.
 Sort images into one full set per participant.
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