TOOLS TO IMPROVE
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
By
Marketplace Ministries
Communication
• Good Communication is the key
to good relationships
• The better we communicate the
better our relationship will be
• This is true of every relationship
we have
Communication
• Its not just what we say but the way
we say it.
• We speak in various ways
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•
•
•
Voice
Eyes
Body
Face
Communication
• Statistics say:
• 7% is communicated by the words
• 38% is communicated by tone of
voice
• 55% is communicated by body
language
Communication
60
50
40
30
20
10
0
Words
Tone of Voice
Body Language
Speaker or Listener
• There are two participants in
communication:
• The Speaker
• The Listener
• Whilst we are all very good at being
the speaker, we are often not very
good at being the listener.
Communication
• Listening is one of the most important
skills of communication.
• When we feel listened to and heard, it
builds up our relationship and make us feel
secure.
• When we feel not listened to or heard it
has in impact on how we feel and it has a
negative effect of our relationship
Listening Skills
• Good listening skills:
• Give the person time
and space to make
themselves understood
• Show them you know
how they are feeling
• Show them you
understand
• Ask questions to make
sure you are hearing
what they are saying
Good Listening
When you Listen
to me
I feel valued
and secure in my
relationship
I feel close
to you and
trust you more
Listening Skills
• Bad Listening
Skills
• Interrupting when
someone is
speaking
• When you ignore
what is being said
• When you try and
justify yourself
• When you give
unwanted advice.
Bad Listening
When you don’t
Listen to me
I feel frustrated
rejected and
irrelevant
It puts our
relationship
at risk
How to Listen
• Try and face each
other
• Look your partner
in the eyes
• Give them time to
say what they need
to say
• Lean in to them
creating a safe
place
How to Listen
• Ask questions
• When they have
finished repeat
back what you
have heard in your
own words to
ensure that you
heard what they
were saying and
not something else.
How to Listen
• Be careful not to feel defensive This will result in you not listening
Because you will be formulating your
defence
• Each person in the relationship must
take responsibility for how they feel
• You are not responsible for how your
partner feels.
How to Listen
• Defensiveness is
often the door to
anger.
• Be careful to
guard against
anger, anger will
close down
constructive
communication
How to Listen
• You cannot be responsible for how
your partner feels.
• However, you must take full
responsibility for how you feel.
• Make sure that how you feel about
what is being said is relative to the
issue discussed and not part of your
own issues.
How to Listen
• Remember:
• Your reaction is your responsibility.
• You may react to a certain situation
in one way, but someone else may
react completely differently.
How to Listen
• Put another way, if you partner
was in a relationship with
someone else, that person may
have reacted in a completely
different way to the same
situation. On that basis our
partner cannot be held
responsible for how we feel
How to Speak
•
•
•
•
•
Say what you mean
Don’t play guessing games
Watch your tone
Don’t make accusations
Be sure about what you say,
once it is out there you can’t
take it back
Our Past
• We all have a past and we have
emotions and pain associated
with things from our past.
• We need to be carful that we do
not allow our past hurts and
pains to destroy our current
relationships
Our Past
• We need to make sure that in
our thinking process we keep
the past in the past.
• We need to make choices and
decisions that will benefit our
present
Making Choices
• How we choose to behave towards the
people we love will affect them and will
affect our relationship with them.
• We can make good or bad choices.
• A good choice that will benefit the
relationship
• A bad choice that will damage the
relationship
Making Choices
• Be sure that every emotion and
feeling is relative to the event.
• If your emotion to an event is not
relative to the event, you may be
bringing your past into your present.
• Make a choice to put perspective on
every issue
Making Choices
• In every
situation there
are different
choices we can
make that will
have different
outcomes.
Making Choices
• We make choices every day between
the issue and the relationship.
• The best choice is to choose to put
the relationship before the issue.
• That does not mean the issue is not
an issue, it means that in the
context, the relationship is more
important that the issue.
Making Choices
• Imagine the following event:
• You have spent the morning in the
supermarket with the children doing
the weekly shop. You feel tired and
stressed when you get home.
• As you enter the house your partner
continues to want TV and chooses
not to help you bring in the shopping
Making Choices
• Is that a good choice or bad choice
in the context of your relationship?
• Think of a time when you made a
bad choice and think of how you
could have handled it differently.
• Make a choice to look for the right
choice in every situation.
Managing Anger
• The way we manage our anger is
another way in which we can make
right choices.
• It is a natural human reaction to get
angry
• There is nothing wrong with having
angry feelings.
Managing Anger
• What is very important is what we do
with those angry feelings
• Sometimes the way in which we
behave when we are angry is not
helpful to our relationship
• How do you behave when you are
angry?
Managing Anger
• There are two basic
responses to anger.
• The first is aggressive
• This is were people
use anger to control
their situation or
circumstance through
violence or aggression
Managing Anger
• The second is
repressive
• This is where the
person uses
sulking or pouting
to control and
manipulate a
circumstance or
situation
Making Choices
• Whichever your particular way
of dealing with anger, the
question is:
• Will you make the right choice
so as not to put your
relationship at risk?
Making Choices
• Remember:
• The purpose of an argument
should not be to release anger.
• The purpose of an argument
should be to resolve the issue.
Making Choices
• The best way to resolve the
issue is to look for solutions,
not look for someone to blame
• Make a choice to be proactive
in every argument to look for
the solution.
Making Choices
• Remember – every day we make
many choices about how to behave
towards our partners
• Every choice has an outcome, it will
either make our relationship
stronger or weaker.
• Make a choice today to start making
good choices.
Emotional Needs
• We are we all have
what is called
emotional needs.
• Just like a child
has to be cuddled
to feel secure and
happy, we too have
emotional needs.
Emotional Needs
• When our
emotional needs
are met we feel
• Confident,
Happy, Secure
and Content.
Emotional Needs
• When our
emotional needs
are not met we
can feel:
• Stressed,
• Depressed,
• Aggressive
Emotional Needs
• When our emotional needs are
not met:
• It can cause us to behave in
harmful ways
• Sometimes it can cause us to
drink too much
Acceptance
• Show that you still
love me even when
I get it wrong
• Forgive my difficult
moods or behaviour
• Don’t compare me
to others
• Don’t try and
change me
Affection
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•
•
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Touching
Hugging
Holding hands
Making Love
Appreciation
• Tell me the good
things you see in
me
• Tell others the
good things about
me
• Notice the things I
do for you.
• Thank me when I
do things for you
Affirmation
• Speak highly of
me to others
• Let me know
when I get
things right
• Show that you
are proud of me
• Encourage my
ideas and plans
Comfort
• Notice when I am
sad or down
• Listen to and share
my upset
• Soothe away my
pain with a word or
hug
• Do practical things
that show you care
Companionship
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•
•
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Do things with me
Spend time together
Talk to me
Take an interest in my life and
hobbies
Encouragement
• Be my number
one fan
• Believe in me
• Encourage me
when things get
tough
• Tell me you
know I can do it
Honesty
• Tell me how you
are feeling
• Tell me things even
when you think I
will be
disappointed.
• Don’t hide things
from me
• Tell me everything
not just half the
stroy
Respect
• Listen to me
• Allow me to hold
a different view
to you
• Respect my
rights, to friends
& privacy
• Allow me to be
me
Security
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•
•
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Be faithful to me
Be loyal to me
Be there for me
Look after me
Support
• Be there when my
life is difficult –
Support me.
• Sharing my load
and responsibilities
• Be prepared to
work things out
• Help me to be the
person I want to be
Emotional Needs
• We need to establish what our
emotional needs are
• We need to be open and honest with
our partners about our needs and not
expect them to guess
• We need to be in touch with our
partners emotional needs.
Love Languages
• Apart from our
Emotional
Needs we have
specific ways in
which we
receive love.
• These are
specific to us
Love Language
• We usually try to love people
according to our own love
language
• However, our love language
may not be the same as our
partner
Love Languages
• If that is the case, we will be
expressing love but our partner
will not be receiving love as we
are speaking different
languages.
• So what are the love languages
5 Love Languages
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Words
Physical Touch
Time Together
Gifts
Thoughtful Acts
Words
• I feel loved
when you say
things like:
• I love you
• You’re the only
one for me
• You’re special
• You’re the best
Physical Touch
• I feel loved:
• When you hug, kiss
or cuddle me
• When you hold my
hand going down
the street
• When we snuggle
up together
• When we make
love
Time Together
• I feel loved:
• When we Spend
time together
• When we do things
together
• When you make
time in your day for
me
• When you choose
me over your
friends
Gifts
• I feel loved when:
• You give me gifts
• You bring me back
some flowers
• You buy me
spontaneous things
that I may or may
not have asked for.
• My present is
important to you
Thoughtful Acts
• I feel loved when:
• You make me a
cup of tea
• You tidy the house
or cook a meal
• You offer to fetch
or carry the
children for me
• You fill my car with
petrol
Love Language
• The questions to be asked are:
• What is your love language
• What is your partner’s love language
• What is your child’s love language
Love Languages
• To determine what your love
language is, fill in the questionnaire
• You may want to take one for your
partner to fill in when you get home.
• Once you know your partner’s love
language you can start to love them
in their specific language.
Danger Actions
• There are dangerous actions that can put
relationships at risk
• When people are hurt over and over again
they may choose to leave the relationship.
• Lets look at how to avoid the actions
which might put our relationships at risk
• These can easily be remembered as DONT
signs and STOP signs
DON’T
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D
O
N
T
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Dissing
Opting Out
Negative Statements
Thinking the Worst
DON’T – Dissing
•
•
•
•
You
You
You
You
never…..
always…
are…..
should…..
• This can make
us angry and
resentful
DON’T – Opting Out
• Opting out is when we refuse to
discuss the issue and walk out
• We we say there is “nothing
wrong” to avoid the issue
• When we are not open and
honest with each other
DON’T – Negative
Statements
• You are impossible
• You never do it right
• Everyone things your are
difficult
DON’T – Thinking the
Worst
• I know he will do it again.
• He would rather be down the
pub than here with me
• I know she won’t be faithful
STOP
• If we ignore a STOP sign while
driving, at worst we could have an
accident, at best we could get a fine
and points on our licence.
• The same care should be taken of
STOP signs in our relationships.
STOP
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•
S
T
O
P
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Sensitivity
To
Other
People
STOP
• What exactly does it mean?
• Listening not Lecturing
• Understanding not Undercutting
• Patience not Pigheadedness
STOP
• What does that look like
• Stepping back, thinking and
accepting
NOT
• Charging ahead, jumping to
conclusions or accusing
STOP
• It may not make sense but we
are often more sensitive to
strangers than those we love
the most
• We tend to be on our best
behaviour with strangers, and
our worst with those we love
STOP
• The good news is that behaviour is
learned.
• That means all of us can learn a new
behaviour, by observing the STOP
sign.
• We can all become sensitive to
others, especially those we love
STOP
• S The first step is to STOP
what you are doing.
• You are probably focusing on how
you feel and what you want instead
of focusing on the other person.
• Start to focus on them, their needs
and wants and things in your
relationship will change.
STOP
•T -
The next step is Time.
• Take time to listen to others.
• Listen to your partner without
being impatient and cutting in.
STOP
• O -
The next step is to observe
• As we learnt earlier, it’s not just
words involved with communication.
• Look at their body language and
their tone.
• Make sure you are getting the whole
picture.
STOP
• P -
The final step is Positivity.
• Positively acknowledge the feelings
and opinions or ideas being
expressed.
• You may not agree, but its important
that you respect their ideas or view.
Lets Recap
• Communication - not just
words
• Listening Skills
• Take Responsibility for how you
feel
• Keep your past in the past
• Make good choices
Lets Recap
• Managing your anger
• Identify Emotional Needs – tell
your partner about them so he
can meet them
• Identify you and your partners
love language so you can
express love in each others
language
Lets Recap
• Danger Actions
• DON’T - Dissing, Opting Out,
Negative Statement, Thinking
the Worst
• STOP - Stop, Time, Observe
• Positivity
Thank You
• We hope this workshop was helpful.
• Statistics show that these keys, if
activated, do change relationships.
• We hope that it will make a
difference to your relationships.