Surviving Your
Adolescents
Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D.
Glen Ellyn, Illinois
Contents
Introduction
1
PART
I: A DIFFERENT PLANET 1. Adolescence in America
2. What’s Normal?
3. Is It Serious?
9
13
23
PART
II: COMMUNICATION AND SAFETY
4. Risky Business
5. The Four Cardinal Sins
6. Getting Along
33
39
47
PART
III: PROBLEMS!
7. Midlife Parent
8. Understanding Your Job
9. Observer
63
75
79
10. Advisor
11. Negotiator
12. Director I: The Major/Minor System
13. Director II: Evaluation and Counseling
14. Managing Risk Taking
83
89
95
101
115
PART
IV: EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
15. Testing and Manipulation
16. Managing Testing and Manipulation
127
135
PART
V: HOUSE RULES
17. Guidelines for Specific Problems
18. SYA in Action
145
161
PART
VI: THE FUTURE
19. Ten Years from Now
175
1
Adolescence in America
T
he vast majority of adults vividly remember their own teenage years.
The first thing they usually recall is the social scene they felt they
were a part of. Then again, they may recall the social scene from which
they felt excluded. Peer relationships were extremely important. Who
was cool? Who was cute? Who was a geek or a nerd?
There may be no other time in life when a person’s social sensitivity is
as intense as it is during adolescence. Negotiating and maintaining samesex friendships was critical. You wanted to have some friends to hang
out with during and after school. It was fun to get together with people
your own age, and it also helped to have others with whom you could
talk to try to make sense out of these bewildering years. And—on pain
of psychological death—you absolutely had to have someone to sit with
at lunchtime in the cafeteria.
Plunked right on top of the difficult task of making and keeping friends
was the exciting and totally confusing problem of the opposite sex. While
you had been asleep, it seemed, romantic appeal suddenly emerged as an
all-too-important dimension of your self-esteem. What do I look like?
What kind of personality do I have? Who’s going to pay attention to me?
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SURVIVING YOUR ADOLESCENTS
Some people seemed to be getting along OK, but some obviously were
not. This whole new scene was kind of scary, but you were always aware
that on the outside you must never appear uncertain or vulnerable. You
had to act like the whole thing was just a piece of cake.
Complicating the picture was the internal agenda that said you had
to prove something. Suddenly, it seemed, you were supposed to be somebody and you were supposed to make something of yourself. But what
exactly was it you were supposed to prove, or what were you supposed to
be? Academic achievement was OK if you were up to it, but good grades
weren’t always considered cool. Having a job helped, gave you your own
funds, and increased your sense of independence. For those who could
swing the deal, having your own car was also pretty neat—especially if
there was a girlfriend to go in it.
During the junior and senior years, issues of college and career
became more and more pressing. What am I going to do with the rest of
my life? Who am I going to do it with?
Meanwhile, parents and family were becoming such a drag. You
definitely did not want to be seen in public with your parents. Older people
were such nerds sometimes, and their ideas were positively ancient. Mom
and Dad couldn’t seem to shake the notion that you were still only about
eight years old and incapable of managing your own affairs. Parents talked
about “responsibility” all the time, but they didn’t ever really give you
any—other than cleaning your room or taking out the garbage. Siblings,
as well, were often a total pain, and they never gave you any respect.
Everyone remembers his or her adolescence. Every day it felt as
though a lot was at stake, and there were many times when you wished
you could get this part of your life over with as quickly as possible—and
leap into adulthood.
Prolonged Dependence
Not so fast. Adding insult to injury for most adolescents is the fact that
their teenage years last so long. Adolescence for many “youngsters” is
not simply the ages 13 to 18; it really encompasses the years from age
11 (for many the onset of puberty) to age 22 (the completion of college).
During these years the young man or woman is still dependent upon
ADOLESCENCE IN AMERICA
11
parents and others for food, shelter, clothing and warmth, as well as for
direction and supervision. This situation may persist even though the
young person may be biologically and mentally capable of managing a
lot more himself.
Of all the animals on earth, the human spends the largest portion
of its total life span (approximately one third) with its parents before
achieving final independence. Bugs, fish, birds and even monkeys live
with their parents for only a relative fraction of the time that human
offspring do. And of all the countries on earth, the more modern, industrialized nations—such as the United States—keep their kids under foot
for the longest period of time. This longer dependence is largely due to
the extended time required to educate children for the more complicated,
skilled jobs and careers that are characteristic of industrial countries. For
most there is first a high school diploma, then an associate’s degree or
bachelor’s degree. And how about an MBA or a Ph.D.?
Long ago, Margaret Mead pointed out that in simpler societies
the transition from childhood to adulthood was usually much shorter.
Anthropologists also have found that in a few cultures, “adolescence”
doesn’t exist at all. One day you’re a kid, and then wham!, after a brief
ceremony or “rite of passage,” you’re an adult—ready or not—with all
the privileges and responsibilities of other adults in your community.
But in the United States, as well as other modern nations, privilege and responsibility are dished out piecemeal to the new adult/child
between the approximate ages of 13 and 21. Now you can manage your
own money and choose your own clothes. Now you can drive. Now you
can date, go to work or leave school. Now you can legally vote or drink
or stay out past midnight. What about sex? You are supposed to delay
sexual gratification for a long, long time.
Insult
Most teens, however, feel they’re ready for adult responsibilities and
privileges long before parents and society are willing to let the adolescents
tackle them. For some kids these youthful perceptions may be correct,
while for others these views may be way off-base. Nevertheless, the inevitable result of the prolonged dependence of adolescence in our culture
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SURVIVING YOUR ADOLESCENTS
is a that—from time to time—teens are bound to feel a certain amount of
resentment toward their elders. They will feel insulted because they are
still supervised, restricted and not allowed to do the things they feel they
are capable of doing. Whether their perception is correct or incorrect,
some irritation is inevitable.
Teens will also feel an urge to rebel, do things differently and criticize
the ways of their parents and other adults. This oppositional stance is one
way for them to both maintain their self-respect—while still in a semidependent state—and to distance themselves from their often-unwanted
caretakers. After all, teens are supposed to be becoming more and more
independent. Often these rebellious urges will involve incredibly annoying but harmless activities. At other times, however, these impulses will
result in truly dangerous, risk-taking behavior. Part of a parent’s job is to
know the difference.
While resentment and rebelliousness are usually a necessary part
of adolescence, they are not often horribly destructive, nor are they usually constant. Much of the time adolescents can tolerate their dependent,
“in- between” status reasonably well. They are able—most of the time,
anyway—to enjoy themselves, get along with their parents (though not
necessarily with their siblings!), and stay out of trouble.
2
What Is Normal?
O
ne of the toughest parts of being the parent of a teenager is trying to
figure out which aspects of your kids’ behavior are trouble and
which are normal. Some days it seems that most of what teens do is
strange, aggravating and worlds apart from the way they used to act.
What ever happened to that easygoing nine-year-old whom I used to
enjoy so much?
In this chapter we’ll describe the characteristics you can reasonably expect to see in your normal, average teenager. Anticipating these can help
you in several ways. First of all, it tells you that these new traits are not
necessarily dangerous. Second, knowing what’s normal can allow you
to not take these qualities personally—as if they were your fault, or as if
they represented some kind of personal rejection. Finally, memorizing
this list will get you to work on one of the primary jobs of the parent of
an adolescent: toleration of nonessential differences.
Change
Adolescence is a time of massive, multiple changes. Some of these
changes take years, while others seem to occur almost overnight. Some
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