LP C
6 Winning and 6 Losing
Marriage Strategies
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
About Kim
Kim Bowen is a Licensed Professional Counselor who
founded and owns The Marriage Place
Counseling Center in Dallas, Texas.
I hate divorce. I mean…I really, really hate divorce.
Marriage is risky business. Divorce is a real threat to
EVERYONE who says: “I do.” I realized “everyone”
included me when I almost lost my own marriage. I
married my best friend almost 25 years ago. I knew
then that half of all marriages fail, but I thought I
would never be on the wrong side of that equation.
We had the kind of marriage our friends wished they
had. Until one we day didn’t.
Looking back, I still don’t know when things started
going wrong. It was so gradual neither of us noticed.
But there actually came a day when I looked at my
husband and realized that I didn’t even like him
anymore, much less love him. I said those fated words
that make me cringe when I hear them today: “I love
you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
When I said those words to my husband, I believed them. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I
didn’t want to live with him anymore either. We tried marriage counseling several times
over the years, and it never worked for us. All the failed attempts to makes things better
only re-enforced my belief we were done.
Fast forward a few years...and I’m more in love with my husband now than ever before.
What changed? The difference is that now we are connected again on an emotional level.
I learned how to keep our love alive…how to engage my husband with love. I learned that
loving him was a choice I could make, even when I didn’t like him all that much.
If you are in a marriage that feels distant, I hope you will learn how to engage your spouse
with love. If your spouse is telling you that he or she wants a divorce, it doesn’t mean that
it’s time to give up. It means it is time to get serious about saving your marriage. My mission is to change the way people view love and marriage. I’m taking a stand, because I’ve
lived it, and I know there is hope even when it feels hopeless. I want to show you how you
can fall in love with your spouse again…even when you think there is nothing left. I want to
help you re-engage your spouse when you are the only one trying. And, I want to teach you
how to divorce-proof your marriage, so you never have to go through the horrible pain of
that particular loss.
Having a great marriage isn’t a great mystery. Especially when hopeless isn’t an option. Let
me show you how to go from hopeless to hopeful with 6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage
Strategies. I invite you to look at my website: www.TheMarriagePlace.com
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Marriage is Hard Work
I routinely see clients who are convinced their marriage is doomed to fail because, quite
simply put, “marriage shouldn’t be this hard.” But I think it is ridiculously naïve to think you
can put two people together on a lifelong journey and it NOT be hard work. Marriage is work
and sometimes it is the hardest work we will ever do.
But sometimes it is difficult to know where the work should be done without some help.
A good starting point is with Terrence Real’s The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to
Know to Make Love Work. This distinguished family therapist and bestselling author of books
on relationships enumerates successful and not-so-successful strategies in his book, which
I have presented in this helpful ebook. Plus, I have expanded and elaborated on these to
present 6 winning and 6 losing marriage strategies specifically to help you and your partner.
For Better or Worse, Relationships Don’t Come
With Manuals...So What Do You Do NOW?
An article by Clinton Power tells us that we learn our coping strategies and how to get what
we want from our relationships by taking in the behaviors of those closest to us in our formative childhood and adolescence years, usually without even being conscious of it.
He calls this our “relationship blueprint”—the beliefs and understandings about how to
relate to others. And it’s this blueprint that continues on to become the building blocks for
the relationships we form throughout life.
Terrence Real’s book goes on to reveal that when it comes to our intimate relationships
there are specific losing strategies that couples employ that push them apart rather than
creating greater intimacy. And many of the losing strategies are formed from our relationship blueprint.
I recommend you take a look and ask yourself whether you are tapping into any of these
“losing” strategies in a futile attempt to improve your relationship. If you are, you may just
be confused about why they are not working and why you are drifting away from your partner.
Then, I recommend that you also examine the winning strategies and see how they can help
you transform your partner into the perfect mate, even when your relationship seems unsalvageable.
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Losing Marriage Strategy 1: Being Right
Trying to assert your version of events as the right one only seeks to create distance
between you and your partner.
If one of you loses, you both lose...it’s a no-win.
Why Being Right Doesn’t Work
Being right is sort of a “slippery slope” that often comes down to which person is defining what’s
right anyway. It’s is not a simple issue of who is right or wrong when you are trying to be right. It
may be according to your value system, without taking into account the values of your partner.
In fact, it comes down to a no-win when the discussion or argument overflows into “self-righteous indignation.” By shaming the person you love (according to your values) and applying this
“scientific method” to your relationship, you may be hurting them deeply.
It comes down to the point that you are both right. It’s okay for each of you to have different experiences of the one event, because you are different people with different views and more than
one truth.
Trying to argue that your version of events as the only right one actually puts a greater distance
between you and your partner. So beware!
Losing Marriage Strategy 2: Controlling Your Partner
No one likes to be controlled, and there is always payback somewhere.
Control is an illusion and trying to maintain it will create resentment and mistrust.
Indirect control looks like manipulation and there is no place for it in a healthy relationship.
Why Controlling Your Partner Doesn’t Work
People really dislike when someone tries to control them, which usually makes doing this an unsuccessful strategy that may likely promote anger and suspicion.
It creates more distance instead of working to solve relationship issues. However, letting go of
control is hard for some people because they have an input in everything their partners does. But
control is just an illusion.
Keep in mind that no one can control anyone else, and the longer you think you can, the
faster you will sacrifice your relationship.
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Losing Marriage Strategy 3: Unbridled Self-Expression
Hurtful comments are often couched in “I’m just being honest.”
It is NOT okay to share everything that crosses your mind, without regard to how it will
impact your partner.
Raging at your partner is emotional violence.
Why Unbridled Self-Expression Doesn’t Work
Some couples think that it’s OK to just share everything that comes into their mind, without
considering the impact it will have on their partner.
While it sounds good in theory, in a relationship honesty is NOT always your best policy,
particularly if it leads to you hurting your partner.
Instead, you may want to try “authentic sharing” that addresses what you are feeling and to
communicate that accurately with your partner, instead of dumping everything that you are
thinking.
Losing Marriage Strategy 4: Retaliation
Offending from the victim position: You feel you have been wronged so you lash out
and feel justified.
You want your partner to feel the same hurt or rejection you felt.
This will NEVER work for your relationship.
There is a difference between retaliation and standing up for yourself. One comes from
a place of respect and doesn’t cross the line.
Why Retaliation Doesn’t Work
You cross a boundary when you retaliate from the position of a victim, no matter if you feel
you have been wronged or hurt in some way by your partner and believe that your retaliation is completely reasonable. The reality is you rarely get the result you want.
It’s important to see how different it is to retaliate and to simply stand up for yourself—
without attacking. If you develop that skill, you can create greater intimacy in your relationship.
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Losing Marriage Strategy 5: Withdrawing
Withdrawing keeps you from resolving conflict.
It is painful for you and your partner.
Nobody likes to be shut out and it is way more damaging than staying present and
talking about how angry you are.
This is not the same as responsible distance taking or time outs.
Why Withdrawing Doesn’t Work
Withdrawal can mean that you:
are giving up,
using it in a passive aggressive manner for retaliation. or
signaling that you don’t wish to invest any further energy in the relationship.
Withdrawal is painful and breeds even more resentment, making it impossible to resolve
differences. Nobody likes to be excluded, and in fact, it’s often more damaging than staying
in contact with your partner and sharing your anger.
If you feel the need to withdraw from your partner, let them know what you are doing and
agree to stay in contact and discuss things further. This will help promote trust, safety, and
good will in your relationship.
Losing Marriage Strategy 6: Being Defensive
Constantly making excuses for your actions makes it almost impossible to resolve conflict.
You will soften your partner’s anger if you can own your part in the problem.
Your defensiveness only makes your partner more angry and resentful.
Why Being Defensive Doesn’t Work
Making excuses never gets to the heart of the issue. You put off your partner and actually
tell them you are right and they are wrong. This defensiveness (along with your excuses)
makes your partner more angry and resentful, instead of resolving anything.
You can only soften your partner’s anger when you own up to your share of the problem and
take responsibility for your own actions. 101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Winning Marriage Strategy 1: Go After What You Want
Before you open your mouth ask yourself, “What do I really want right now?”
Often the best question is “What do you need from me so I can get what I need from you?”
Winning Marriage Strategy 2: Complain Constructively
Every complaint hides a wish. Drop the complaint and focus on the wish.
When you ask…ask nicely.
When you shift to the positive, you are giving your partner space to respond in kind. It
is far better to say, “I would really like it if you let me know when you are running late”
than to say “You never think to call and let me know you won’t be home for dinner”.
Winning Marriage Strategy 3: Listen and
Respond Generously
Neither men nor women feel as if their spouse is listening to them.
Men want to feel appreciated for their contributions. They want RESPECT.
Women want to know you care about how they feel. They crave LOVE.
Show up as your best self and give your spouse what they need whether or not your
spouse is doing their part. Just changing yourself can magically transform a relationship.
Winning Marriage Strategy 4: Empower One Another
If you are walking around angry all the time, it is because you are trying to control something and it isn’t cooperating.
The way to be less angry is to let go of control.
If you make a request of your partner, let go of the outcome.
Sometimes the best gift your spouse can give you is the gift of “NO.” It’s true! It means
they trust you to handle the disappointment. This is huge in relationships.
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
Winning Marriage Strategy 5: Cherish
What You Have
Remember the person you are speaking to is someone you love.
Always. Always. Always stay on your side of the street and keep your eye on the prize.
Winning Marriage Strategy 6: Learn How To
Set Limits Respectfully
Do No Harm! Allow no harm to yourself and do no harm to others. You can set limits (allow
no harm) without criticizing, shaming, blaming or controlling someone else (do no harm).
Name It: Mirror back what is happening. For example, “Mark…you are yelling at me.”
Ask It: “Please stop yelling so we can talk about this.”
Set It: Here is the limit and limit means action. If Mark doesn’t stop yelling the limit
could be “I am removing myself from this conversation. When you can discuss things
calmly without yelling at me, I’ll be ready to meet you there. Until then, this conversation is over.” Then calmly remove yourself.
Ramp It: If the above doesn’t get you positive results, ramp up the limit (action). It
might look like this, “Mark, you yell at me every time we get in the car, so I’m going to
drive my own car and meet you there.”
Just note that in every phase of limit setting, you are always respectful, kind and firm. Do
no harm but allow no harm.
Strategy 6 Credit: Lisa Merlo-Booth, LMB Relational Centre, Inc.
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
6 Winning and 6 Losing Marriage Strategies
LP C
Toolkit for Helping you Through the Hard Work of a Marriage
What’s Next In the Fight to Save Your Marriage?
It is my great desire that these strategies are helpful to you in your fight to save your
marriage.
You may feel alone some times...there isn’t a lot of support out there for someone like you.
Our society views marriage as a disposable commodity, and I’m disappointed at how many
therapists, counselors and coaches actually encourage couples to divorce when things get
really difficult. Instead, all of us here are very “pro marriage” at The Marriage Place
Counseling and Coaching Center.
It is our mission to change the way the world views love and marriage. If you have enjoyed
reading this or think the information is helpful to you or someone else, please share this on
Facebook or Tweet about us.
Or, if you have questions or would like to discuss your own issues, please contact us.
Every marriage has times when things are more difficult. Wherever you may be in your own
relationship, I congratulate for staying the course and doing the hard work of trying to hold
things together. Fighting for your marriage is a courageous thing. I wish you only the best!
Keep fighting the good fight.
Kim Bowen
101 W. Renner Rd., St. 220, Richardson, TX 75082 | (972) 441-4432 | [email protected] | www.themarriageplace.com
LP C
www.TheMarriagePlace.com