Dialogue Retreat
Boston Theological
Institute
Religion and Conflict
Transformation Program
Robert Stains
Public Conversations Project
Today
 Welcome, intro to day and dialogue
 Exercise: Beginnings
 Sharing objects
 Exercise: Questions for persuading or eliciting
 Presentation: Identity, threat, inquiry and dialogue
 Exercise: Questions in service of the asked
 Lunch
 Preparatory interviews
 Dialogue practice and debrief; Q and A
 Closing
Beginning questions
In Pairs:
1. What is something of interest to you, or that energizes
you, that others here might not know about you?
2. What expertise or life experience are you bringing with
you today that might be useful for others to know?
Questions for beginnings
 Evoke curiosity
 Invite personal connection
 Elicit competence
 Reduce anxiety
 Raise energy
 Get the body involved
Object and what it represents about your
faith path
 Speak for up to one (1) minute
 Person to speaker’s left times with watch
 Pass watch to speaker when time ends
 Pause a beat between speakers
 And so on around the circle
 No commenting on others’ speaking
 At conclusion, place your object on the table if you wish
to
Core Premises
• We need community to get things
done
• We need relationships to create and
maintain community
• We need conversation to create and
maintain relationships
• The quality of conversation drives
the quality of relationship
• “Stuck”, destructive conversations
have self-sustaining properties.
• Relationships shift when the
content and process of
conversations shift.
Emotional Dysregulation
 Triggering
 Vigilance
 Attack/Defend
 Patterns/cycles
Cycle of Defensive Response
Attack/Defend
Trigger
Vigilance
Vigilance
Trigger
Attack/Defend
What Helps
 “Mindsight” (Siegel)–Reflection, Attention, Intention
 Prevent destructive loops via preparation and structure
 Invite and amplify positive deviations
 Develop “Islands of Reflection”
 Shape conversational environments
 Notice, name, discern, choose
 Inquiry
Dialogue
 Purpose: better communication for mutual
understanding.
 Not: debate; problem-solving; education
 Effected by:
 Reflection on one’s own and others’ perspectives
 Shared agreements that guide the conversation
 Structured exchanges that prevent old patterns and
enhance speaking and listening
 Opportunity to explore genuine interest in the other
Questions for Persuasion or
Understanding
 Pair up
Round one:
 Speaker 1: something you believe is true:
one sentence
 Asker: ask questions to persuade the
speaker otherwise (2 min.)
 Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2
Round Two
 Speaker One: say something you believe is
true again
 Asker: ask questions to understand
speaker’s perspective, thinking, feeling,
choosing, etc. 2 Min.
 Switch roles and repeat with Speaker 2
 Return to circle
Debrief
 What was going on for you –as asker or
listener- in each condition: persuasion and
understanding?
 What did each kind of asking evoke?
 Was there a question that stood out as
particularly useful?
Keep in mind
 Intention and Impact: “Mind the gap”
 Attention gives life
 Potentially problematic questions:
 Attributive
 Problem and past-focused
 Knowing, distant, instructive
 Rhetorical or pseudo
 “Why?” questions
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Questions to shift conversation
 In advance; to prepare to bring “best self”
 To help notice what goes unnoticed/unrecognized: meanings,
capacities, personal and shared history, choices
 To develop fresh perspectives: time, value, relationship
 Elicit hope not fear
Questions and Contexts
 Before a first session
 Between sessions
 Questions to all in a group
 Questions to individuals alone and together
 Questions parties ask one another
 Asynchronous questions
Questions to advance reflection
 History and context
 Hopes and concerns
 Effects of conflict
 Positive experiences
 Ideas for change
Questions in service of the asked
 By yourself: a dilemma
 Headline, if you wish; state the dilemma
 Why it’s a dilemma for you
 Minimum essential facts
 Specific example
 Groups of 4
 Time-keeper
In your groups
 Speaker speaks: 3 min.




Headline, if you wish; state the dilemma
Why it’s a dilemma for you
Minimum essential facts
Specific example
 Listeners ask, scribe writes: 3 min.
 Speaker tells effects of questions: 3 min.
 Repeat X3
 Debrief as group: 5 min.
 Return to circle
Process
 Purpose
 People
 Prevent
 Promote
 Prepare
 Plan
Preparation Planning Worksheet
Individual
Prevent
Promote
Interpersonal
Tools
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Creating the space for dialogue
•Pre-meeting connection
•Pre-dialogue meal
•Seating: circle, pro/con
•Agreements
•Questions to all
•Responses within a structure
•Questions of one another
•Questions to close and transition