10 Tips for Choosing the Right Divorce Mediator
by Cris Pastore
November 2014
Perhaps you've come to the realization that divorce mediation is the way to
go for you and your spouse, but how do you choose a divorce mediator?
After all, not all divorce mediators are created equal.
Here's my advice for how to choose the best divorce mediator for you:
Top 10 Tips for Choosing a Divorce Mediator:
1.You want a divorce mediator who is an educator. By initially educating
you and your spouse on the law, a good divorce mediator would be focused
on empowering you to make your own informed decisions. You would be
informed on how the law applies to your particular facts and circumstances.
Then, you would learn what would be the most likely result if you each hired
your own divorce lawyer and went to court.
2.A good divorce mediator keeps the playing field level. You want a
neutral partner (not just a third-party) who ensures that all rights and
interests of both spouses are being protected. In a sense, having a good
divorce mediator is like having a strong "advocate" in each of your corners
who is looking out for each of your best interests, as well as the entire
family.
A marital settlement agreement that is legally binding, and not just a
memorandum of understanding is also essential, in addition to having a
divorce mediator who encourages you to have your agreement reviewed by
a private divorce attorney. These steps allow you to feel like you have an
additional layer of protection prior to signing your agreement.
3. Good divorce mediators use a clear and practical approach to
"fairness." First, a good divorce mediator will validate your opinions
regarding what you each believe is fair. They would engage you both in
meaningful discussion and point out any matters that a court would view as
unfair. They will then take a wholly practical view of your particular situation,
what the realities are and what is truly at stake, and then a good divorce
mediator helps you both to craft creative solutions you each envision for
yourselves and your family post-divorce. It may be difficult to see it this
way, but what is most fair may not actually be totally ideal for either one of
you. But it will undoubtedly be a result that feels comfortable to you both
and is something you can each live with.
4. A good divorce mediation firm makes it easy and affordable for
you. The cost of divorce is overwhelming enough, without having to worry
about the cost of divorce mediation. Look for a divorce mediator who offers
a flat fee for all the services they provide, as well as a free divorce
consultation the includes a complete marital estate assessment. That way,
you and your spouse know up front what is involved. Private divorce
mediators generally charge upwards of $250-$350/hr, for as long as it takes
to finish the mediation - so the longer it takes you to agree, the more it will
cost you.
Also, make sure your divorce mediator assists with the administrative filing
of the divorce decree, if you and your spouse are filing an uncontested
divorce in PA.
5. The best divorce mediator is an expert who is dedicated exclusively
to the practice of divorce mediation. Often times, you will find divorce
mediators who are primarily private divorce litigation attorneys who practice
divorce mediation as a secondary specialty.
Although they can also be effective, a divorce litigation attorney is trained
with a mindset that may not always be ideal for mediation. They are trained
to do battle for their client, to fight and to "win" at all costs- even if that
means being locked in a bitter court battle for 2-4 years of your life,
spending on average $30,000-$40,000 or more in legal fees, and subjecting
your children to the potential emotional anguish which invariably results
from such a process.
A divorce mediator, on the other hand, is trained to help you and your
spouse find common ground, while encouraging you both to remain
amicable, while keeping in mind the bigger picture of your divorce and
what's truly most important to each of you. These are two completely
different mindsets, and it can often times be difficult for a divorce litigator to
flip a switch, remove their litigation hat and step into the role of divorce
mediator.
6. A good divorce mediation service understands complex financial
matters and parenting issues This being said, the best divorce mediators
usually have extensive experience with handling more sophistocated
marital estates with complex financial issues. For example, they will be able
to carefully analyze the complexities of investment-based assets, employee
stock incentive awards, two-household budget projections and home and
business valuations, while identifying any potential tax issues and pitfalls
that may result from your divorce settlement.
Regarding parenting and custody issues, look for a divorce mediation
service that uses a parenting mediator with a therapy background. This type
of mediator, often times, is much better suited than an attorney to
understand complex family dynamics and how they impact children. As
such, they are often more likely to suggest parenting and custody solutions
that are most healthy for the family unit.
7. A good divorce mediator is a top-notch project manager. Keeping
you and your spouse focused and on track for a healthy resolution of your
matter should be the #1 goal of divorce mediators. You should expect your
divorce mediator to utilize technology like electronic calendars, mobile email and secure online file and document sharing, uploading, and
collaboration tools for maximum efficiency and optimal communication.
8. A good divorce mediator is a natural trouble-shooter. What is a
good project manager without also being an effective problem solver? For
example, when emotions prevent positive forward progress, a savvy divorce
mediator will encourage one or both clients to work with a therapist or
divorce coach to move past sticking points.
9. A good divorce mediator must be compassionate. A divorce mediator
is not merely a referee who oversees the blind whacking up of all of the
marital assets and then everybody goes home.
Rather, the best divorce mediators are very much invested in you. Look for
the intangibles. A genuine caring and concern for both you and your
family's longer-term financial and emotional wellness should be obvious on
a first impression. Also, someone free of racial or gender bias, and a lover
of humanity, in general.
Just trust your gut here. It's imperative that both of you have some type of
chemistry or rapport with the divorce mediator upon that first meeting or
phone call.
10. A good divorce mediator does everything to ensure you each
emerge healthy and whole. That's why a good mediator would not take
your case unless (s)he believes that you and your spouse will be
successful. In assessing this, for example, a good divorce mediator should
ask whether you both agree that your marriage is over and you are each
ready to move on. If either or both of you are not yet at this point, they
should refer you to a divorce coach or therapist to help you decide what
each of you really want.
Just as important, additional divorce support should be available, such as
healthy parenting plans and guidance on how to speak to your children
about divorce, a financial planner for higher net worth cases, or even a
referral to a realtor who will help you get the best price if you must sell your
house, estate planning support for how to update and protect your estate
after divorce and provide for your loved ones in the event of your death,
and a coach to help you create your new life after divorce.